My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

76-118 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but LeBron James winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Push the pace! Rick Ross grabs it and hits LeBron James in stride before the defense can even match up. Screened, toasted, done. LeBron James is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Rises, releases, and LeBron James sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Rick Ross. Ohhh no. Rick Ross just walked. In front of everybody.

The defender planted his feet, and Giannis Antetokounmpo said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Shot clock at one, and Giannis Antetokounmpo just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Time to breathe. LeBron James has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Exclusive: LeBron James was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Timeouts are currency in the fourth quarter and they just spent one early. Giannis Antetokounmpo cost them a possession they will want back.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Biggie Smalls gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Giannis Antetokounmpo saw it a beat early. The bookmaker just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the bookmaker goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Biggie Smalls throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. LeBron James grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Biggie Smalls. There is no choice to make here. Four fouls with this much clock left means Biggie Smalls sits and the lead has to survive without him.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing, Rick Ross drags two bodies toward the ball and Giannis Antetokounmpo is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. AIRBALL! Giannis Antetokounmpo missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the change of pace from Giannis Antetokounmpo, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Giannis Antetokounmpo went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Biggie Smalls coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the farmer and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Goku does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

LeBron James refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Goku watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

95-106 (L)

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Giannis Antetokounmpo does. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Giannis Antetokounmpo up there and returns it with interest.

Rick Ross walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The bookmaker just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? LeBron James fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Giannis Antetokounmpo kicks it over to Biggie Smalls, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Biggie Smalls gives it up to Rick Ross on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. A cut with that timing from the rapper? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Rick Ross takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Rick Ross crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Goku mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Swing, swing, and Rick Ross finds Goku on the wing before the help can even turn its head. STOP AND GO! Goku hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Goku would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Goku asks for an ice pack. Intel: Goku asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

SKIP PASS! Giannis Antetokounmpo fires it cross court to LeBron James and the defense is dead in the water! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Down, up, and gone for LeBron James. The rim is just toying with him now.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Giannis Antetokounmpo has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. FIVE on Giannis Antetokounmpo. One more and his night is finished.

Rick Ross comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. LeBron James just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Buzzer on the shot clock, LeBron James heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Unselfish basketball. Rick Ross passes up a good shot and hands Biggie Smalls a GREAT one. Gift wrapped by LeBron James, and Biggie Smalls cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Deflection at midcourt, out and running, Giannis Antetokounmpo finishes through the contact and the run keeps rolling. Giannis Antetokounmpo buries it, turns to the crowd on the way back, and the other side immediately calls time. Dagger and a timeout in the same breath.

The farmer commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Goku clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. LeBron James fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

98-94 (W)

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Rick Ross launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Biggie Smalls gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Biggie Smalls.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Biggie Smalls stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

LeBron James gets driven under the rim and the offensive board goes the other way. Fresh shot clock for them.

Giannis Antetokounmpo splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. OHHHH! LeBron James went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Whistle, red light, nothing to show for it. Giannis Antetokounmpo hands it over.

Halftime. Goku is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Juicy anecdote: Goku was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Biggie Smalls threw it before the help even committed. Kick out to Giannis Antetokounmpo, one more to Goku, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the farmer! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Giannis Antetokounmpo gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Rick Ross whips the extra pass across the arc, LeBron James rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Salute: sharp, military, held. LeBron James delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Rick Ross snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Rick Ross retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. A cruel spin-out for the rapper, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Rick Ross just did it by hitting Goku on the back side with acres of room. The farmer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. The rapper gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Biggie Smalls! REJECTED! Rick Ross gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

This is the entire night compressed into eight seconds, and the ball never leaves the hands of Giannis Antetokounmpo. Exactly the way he wanted it. Ice in his veins. Giannis Antetokounmpo has taken that shot ten thousand times in an empty gym, and it looked exactly the same right there.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Giannis Antetokounmpo takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Biggie Smalls pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

LeBron James does the robot at center court while Rick Ross pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

111-90 (W)

Here comes Giannis Antetokounmpo sprinting off the elbow. Rick Ross slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Watch the footwork there from Giannis Antetokounmpo on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Giannis Antetokounmpo does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Give and go! Giannis Antetokounmpo gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Two defenders in the lane, Giannis Antetokounmpo splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Giannis Antetokounmpo sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Philadelphia Injury-Report bench does not find it funny. Rick Ross pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Ball into LeBron James at the elbow, Giannis Antetokounmpo plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Giannis Antetokounmpo had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Rick Ross has known that all night long. Here comes the slip from LeBron James, and Goku reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so LeBron James launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Halftime. Biggie Smalls's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. The staff told me Biggie Smalls sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Left, right, gone. Rick Ross put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Stepback three from the rapper, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Rick Ross hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Giannis Antetokounmpo shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Laser from Giannis Antetokounmpo, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH, what a read by LeBron James! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Rick Ross gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Rick Ross disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Goku is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

LeBron James rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. LeBron James throws his head back, because he knows exactly what it means. His minutes are somebody else's decision now.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Giannis Antetokounmpo makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. That is what heavy minutes do, LeBron James has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Giannis Antetokounmpo and Biggie Smalls just played basketball and the defense got shredded. TRAVEL! Giannis Antetokounmpo took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Over the top of everybody. Rick Ross to Giannis Antetokounmpo in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Giannis Antetokounmpo keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Giannis Antetokounmpo beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

LeBron James moonwalks across the hardwood. Biggie Smalls attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

81-111 (L)

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Rick Ross already has the defense a full step behind. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the bookmaker made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Oh my. Biggie Smalls did not even draw iron.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Giannis Antetokounmpo pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Giannis Antetokounmpo has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Pull-up from the elbow by Rick Ross, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out. The shot is short, and LeBron James is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Second pass beats the rotation, LeBron James to Rick Ross, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Onions! Rick Ross did that with a hand in his face.

Into the tunnel. Goku grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Juicy anecdote: Goku was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The bookmaker makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Giannis Antetokounmpo drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The crowd has found its chant, and Rick Ross is going to be hearing it all night.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Rick Ross has known that all night long. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Biggie Smalls has all the room in the world. Nobody drew up that arc. The bookmaker floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Set called, LeBron James waved out to the corner, and Rick Ross watches the spacing open up like a front door. Down screen, and LeBron James curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Not a hand on him. LeBron James flat missed the bunny.

Towels are FLYING for the farmer! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this. Hands like that on the bookmaker? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Rick Ross comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Up goes the shot from Rick Ross and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen. Nobody put a body on LeBron James and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Miss, tip, bucket. LeBron James makes his living in the wreckage.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the sell from Giannis Antetokounmpo here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Third look from distance for Giannis Antetokounmpo tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Hesitate, GO. Rick Ross is by that hip before the man even blinks. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Rick Ross drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Biggie Smalls kicks his towel across the floor. Giannis Antetokounmpo has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

109-104 (W)

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Giannis Antetokounmpo, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Two points left on the floor by Giannis Antetokounmpo, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth. The bookmaker outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Biggie Smalls with the putback jam over two bodies.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Rick Ross! Nothing but runway to the rim! Watch the timing here: Giannis Antetokounmpo lifts it early and LeBron James climbs to meet the ball right on schedule. That is chemistry you cannot teach in a walkthrough.

LeBron James cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Rick Ross joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Giannis Antetokounmpo attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Giannis Antetokounmpo has earned every second of that reaction.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Clean feed from Giannis Antetokounmpo, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Textbook two-man game: Rick Ross keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Giannis Antetokounmpo rolls into an open runway. Clang. Giannis Antetokounmpo wants that one back.

Break time. Biggie Smalls bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Confession: Biggie Smalls tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

A fistful of jersey to stop the break, and the bill comes due for Rick Ross: two at the line plus possession. The temperature in this arena just jumped. Rick Ross took a dangerous hit, both benches are on their feet, and the officials have peacekeeping to do.

Giannis Antetokounmpo slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. LeBron James tips the pass, hits the floor after it, and comes up out of the pile with possession.

Giannis Antetokounmpo rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Bless him, Giannis Antetokounmpo tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Goku reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there. The farmer walls up like a closed door and the shot never gets home. Nine to five, and now this.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Shot is up, LeBron James loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

Ball game on the line. LeBron James. One trip. From WAY downtown! LeBron James walks into it from 27 feet and the red light is on before the ball comes down. DAGGER!

LeBron James finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Biggie Smalls photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

LeBron James and Giannis Antetokounmpo form a tunnel for Biggie Smalls to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

96-125 (L)

Watch the spacing there, Giannis Antetokounmpo hits Rick Ross right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The rapper just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Goku, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Rick Ross gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Giannis Antetokounmpo saw it a beat early. The extra pass! Rick Ross had the look, gave it up anyway, and LeBron James buries it. BANG! Watch the feet on LeBron James there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is the second personal charged to Goku and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Fouled out. Goku gets a standing ovation on the walk off, and he earned every single decibel of it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Biggie Smalls picks up the pace. Anecdote: Biggie Smalls tried to impress the Toronto Border-Patrol players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

OHHHH the separation! Giannis Antetokounmpo just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Giannis Antetokounmpo missed that one with real conviction.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The rapper pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Rick Ross rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Giannis Antetokounmpo drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. That is the shot LeBron James wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Rick Ross does. Straight back to the office for the rapper, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Unselfish basketball. Rick Ross passes up a good shot and hands Giannis Antetokounmpo a GREAT one. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Giannis Antetokounmpo do that to one of their own.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Rick Ross drops it off to Biggie Smalls on time and on target. Biggie Smalls holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to LeBron James flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. OHHHH, what a read by LeBron James! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Giannis Antetokounmpo drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Giannis Antetokounmpo roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

They do not teach that in the rapper handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the bookmaker and quietly turning off the TV.

LeBron James walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Giannis Antetokounmpo drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

88-122 (L)

LeBron James controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Give the man credit for the effort, because LeBron James contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Rick Ross pays for that one.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the bookmaker! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Both teams head in. Biggie Smalls has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Fun fact: Biggie Smalls got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Rick Ross did all the dirty work on that one. That is a dime from Rick Ross that deserved so much better, and Goku knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Goku stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Goku fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Giannis Antetokounmpo makes it every single trip down the floor. Lazy one-hander from Rick Ross through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Straight down the baseline goes the bookmaker! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The bookmaker had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Rick Ross retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Prayer from Rick Ross. Not answered.

Over the top of everybody. Giannis Antetokounmpo to Goku in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Giannis Antetokounmpo just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Goku half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Somebody show the rest of the league what the farmer just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Goku uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Giannis Antetokounmpo stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Biggie Smalls. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the bookmaker, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Biggie Smalls finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Goku photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

LeBron James sits on the floor in the hallway. Rick Ross sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

97-96 (W)

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Rick Ross breaks a shell down. That is vision. Giannis Antetokounmpo sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Fifth possession this half where Biggie Smalls has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Somewhere out there a rapper is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Rick Ross kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the farmer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and LeBron James is gone, so Rick Ross earned that one even if the box score disagrees. LeBron James blows the wide open layup!

Halftime whistle. Giannis Antetokounmpo spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Rumor has it Giannis Antetokounmpo does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Baseline inbound, Goku lifts it over the front of the rim, and LeBron James catches it in mid-air and DROPS IT IN!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. LeBron James stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Goku. Eight on the shot clock, Rick Ross gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Rick Ross.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Rick Ross points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Giannis Antetokounmpo either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

A cut with that timing from the rapper? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Rick Ross.

The rapper is holding the final possession of a professional basketball game, and this morning he was clocking in like it was any other Tuesday. Somebody explain how the rapper stays that calm with the whole season riding on one shot. You do not learn that anywhere on this planet!

Rick Ross grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Giannis Antetokounmpo applauds. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

97-94 (W)

Two defenders, one gap, and Giannis Antetokounmpo finds it. Onions on that pass. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Goku put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Giannis Antetokounmpo, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. So close. Giannis Antetokounmpo can only stare at the iron.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Giannis Antetokounmpo, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Giannis Antetokounmpo, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Watch the sell from Giannis Antetokounmpo here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Off the back iron for Giannis Antetokounmpo, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

SKIP PASS! Biggie Smalls fires it cross court to Giannis Antetokounmpo and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH that is filthy! Giannis Antetokounmpo on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Getting to his spot and elevating, Goku puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Break! LeBron James takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: LeBron James was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Rick Ross to Goku, on time and on target. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Goku, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Goku walk away from it.

Second pass beats the rotation, Biggie Smalls to Rick Ross, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The rapper just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Rick Ross throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Biggie Smalls grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Rick Ross launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Kick out to LeBron James, one more to Goku, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Up goes the shot from Goku and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Off the pin-down comes the rapper with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Rick Ross!

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the rapper. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. OHHHHH MY GOODNESS! Giannis Antetokounmpo just tore the roof off this arena with the clock at ZERO!

Giannis Antetokounmpo jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

87-109 (L)

The referee tosses it high and LeBron James rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH no, Goku floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No hero ball here: Giannis Antetokounmpo takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! LeBron James never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! LeBron James pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

LeBron James pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Biggie Smalls mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Rick Ross has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. LeBron James pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. That is body control you simply cannot coach: LeBron James stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, LeBron James takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Rick Ross pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Halftime. LeBron James wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Exclusive info: LeBron James is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Cross court, on a rope, from the bookmaker. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Rick Ross rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the rapper! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Rick Ross passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Rim out for Rick Ross, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Rick Ross controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Rick Ross sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Goku finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Rises, releases, and Rick Ross sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the bookmaker! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that. OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! Giannis Antetokounmpo comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass!

The crossover comes, LeBron James bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. You cannot touch it inside the cylinder, and LeBron James touched it inside the cylinder. Handed over, no receipt.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Giannis Antetokounmpo just did it by hitting Rick Ross on the back side with acres of room. Kick out to Rick Ross, one more to Biggie Smalls, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. That is a forced shot from the bookmaker that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Goku avoids the cameras like the plague. Biggie Smalls gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

109-114 (L)

Tip is UP and LeBron James gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku again, and the visiting coach is SPRINTING at the official for a timeout!

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The bookmaker pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Pull-up from the elbow by LeBron James, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Break! Rick Ross grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Small detail: Rick Ross whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Team Standing Around! To win a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature, text HOOPS to 555-1248 and answer this question: 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

The rapper just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Up goes the shot from Rick Ross and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Total control. Rick Ross has this thing on a string. Hard drive, hard stop, and Goku retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Perfect arc. Goku makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Goku finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. LeBron James photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Swing, swing, and Giannis Antetokounmpo finds LeBron James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. This is the counter: LeBron James punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Unselfish basketball. Biggie Smalls passes up a good shot and hands Rick Ross a GREAT one. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Rick Ross keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Rick Ross plants himself in front of the Cleveland Twin-Towers bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

No hero ball here: Giannis Antetokounmpo takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Biggie Smalls eats the contact so Rick Ross can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Rick Ross rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

The rapper is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. Somewhere there is a shift with the bookmaker written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Rick Ross, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. This building is SHAKING. Rick Ross just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

LeBron James walks it up past the timeline, nine seconds showing, and you can feel the air go out of this arena. HEARTBREAK. That is the entire margin between a legend and a footnote, and LeBron James is on the wrong side of it tonight.

Rick Ross hurls his water bottle at the wall. Goku flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show Last Team Standing Around! Deloris Whitmire of Slow Creek Bend, Hawaii, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The answer was of course loud enough to wake a man three counties over, also named Gary. Deloris therefore wins a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

98-103 (L)

Won it clean! Goku got up and over him with room to spare.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Rick Ross controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. GONE down the baseline! Biggie Smalls beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the bookmaker is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Biggie Smalls slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Rick Ross with the extra pass and CASH. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and LeBron James has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! LeBron James walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know LeBron James once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price is Wrong, Bob! To win a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo, text HOOPS to 555-0187 and answer this question: 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

No play on the ball whatsoever. Biggie Smalls took the man down from behind and hoped the crew was feeling generous. They were not. FLAGRANT ONE! The defender wipes out Biggie Smalls in midair and that is nowhere near a basketball play.

WALLED OFF! LeBron James slides over and the paint is CLOSED for business. Filthy defense from LeBron James. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

The bookmaker just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. LeBron James hands it off to Giannis Antetokounmpo, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Heat check for LeBron James and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. LeBron James holds it three seconds. Goku applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and LeBron James collects every last one.

The rapper runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. The bookmaker tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Biggie Smalls has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Up over the box out, and Biggie Smalls catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Biggie Smalls rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. LeBron James plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Giannis Antetokounmpo spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! LeBron James threads a BEAUTY to Giannis Antetokounmpo under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Biggie Smalls threw it before the help even committed. One little shoulder dip from Rick Ross and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Missed layup for the rapper and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Rocking it between his legs at the top of the key, Giannis Antetokounmpo has the defender crouched low and the help one pass away, and this whole gym is holding its breath. It caught the front rim, kissed the back iron, took a full lap and fell off. Giannis Antetokounmpo is on his knees at half court.

Biggie Smalls mutters while walking out. Giannis Antetokounmpo watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game The Price is Wrong, Bob! Wendell Frobisher of Gravy Fork, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The answer was of course Delbert, and the man himself never once sat down. Wendell takes home a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

80-113 (L)

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Rick Ross already has the defense a full step behind. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Biggie Smalls the moment he crosses half court. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Biggie Smalls goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Ball moves. Rick Ross to Giannis Antetokounmpo, on time and on target. OHHHH the pin-down! Giannis Antetokounmpo pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Goku. Brutal. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Giannis Antetokounmpo slips it to Rick Ross right in the pocket. Surgical. Soft touch from Rick Ross, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Rick Ross mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the San Antonio Skyscrapers fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Push the pace! Rick Ross grabs it and hits Biggie Smalls in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH the hesi! Biggie Smalls froze him solid and he is already gone! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Biggie Smalls fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the bookmaker. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Two guys on the exact same page, Giannis Antetokounmpo and Rick Ross, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Perfect drop-off from LeBron James, and Giannis Antetokounmpo answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Halftime whistle. Goku has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Exclusive: Goku was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Dancing with the Substitutes! To win a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS, text HOOPS to 555-0421 and answer this question: 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is five guys on a string and LeBron James is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. Giannis Antetokounmpo to Goku in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A farmer making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. LeBron James beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Rick Ross kicks it over to Giannis Antetokounmpo, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Dribble handoff from Giannis Antetokounmpo, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! No touch. LeBron James left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Biggie Smalls threw it before the help even committed. Second pass beats the rotation, Rick Ross to LeBron James, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

LeBron James does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Giannis Antetokounmpo that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Rick Ross, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The rapper is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. The rapper is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Rick Ross snaps at the bench on his way out. Giannis Antetokounmpo says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game Dancing with the Substitutes! Ethelene Chumley of Cracker Barrel Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' The answer was of course a committee, and they meet on Tuesdays. Ethelene takes home a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

92-120 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Goku rips it out of the air and we are off.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Giannis Antetokounmpo kicks it over to Goku, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Goku rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Long miss from the farmer and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Clean feed from Biggie Smalls, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Day job, then this: the rapper reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Goku threads a BEAUTY to Biggie Smalls under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Break. Rick Ross asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Word is Rick Ross sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! To win a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest, text HOOPS to 555-1159 and answer this question: 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Swing, swing, and Giannis Antetokounmpo finds LeBron James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH the pocket pass! LeBron James splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! The bookmaker hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Eight seconds to cross one line and the bookmaker could not manage it. In fairness, nobody presses him at work.

The help defender committed way too early, and Giannis Antetokounmpo made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. That is a dime from LeBron James that deserved so much better, and Giannis Antetokounmpo knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

STOP AND GO! Giannis Antetokounmpo hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Giannis Antetokounmpo panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The rapper just got tossed for a flagrant two, and somewhere a shift supervisor is watching this on a break room TV in absolute horror.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Rick Ross drops it off to Goku on time and on target. Full stop, full sprint, and the farmer is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Goku hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Rick Ross. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Biggie Smalls finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Goku takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. LeBron James follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! Elouise Tackett of Chigger Bottom, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The answer was of course four hundred and ten seconds, provided everybody cooperates. Elouise therefore wins a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest! I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'