My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

CaseOh catapults the ball towards Patrick Mahomes from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Patrick Mahomes finds Gastón Edul between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. GOOOOL from Gastón Edul! Massive right-footed strike from 27 yards, the ball almost rips the net off, GOOOAL!

The lawyer pulls out a roulette on the defender. In that position, a skill move like that is the cherry on top. Myriam Bregman tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try. Free kick conceded by the chocolatier, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. The chocolatier floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon.

The journalist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Quick exchange between Charlie Kirk and Arnold Schwarzenegger, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Arnold Schwarzenegger catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately.

The philanthropist produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The philanthropist lays it off first time to Davo Xeneise, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Davo Xeneise spots Lionel Messi in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Corner from Lionel Messi to the back post, it's knocked back across, SCRAMBLE! Defense boots it clear! Big clearance from Willy Wonka under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Will Smith punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Dietitians have given up on Myriam Bregman, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 54 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Patrick Mahomes high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

High recovery from Davo Xeneise who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Davo Xeneise bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. JUST WIIIIIDE from Davo Xeneise! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Short distribution from CaseOh to Myriam Bregman, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Wall pass between the film producer and Willy Wonka, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. That's been flagged. Arnold Schwarzenegger was in an offside position when Myriam Bregman played it through. The digital transformation consultant finds Charlie Kirk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Little shift from Charlie Kirk to Myriam Bregman, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Dummy from Myriam Bregman, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done.

And that's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Charlie Kirk slides a beauty through the gap, Patrick Mahomes is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Big strike from the american football player, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. Corner from Patrick Mahomes but it is cleared at the near post by a defender.

Charlie Kirk picks out Myriam Bregman with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Ground pass from Myriam Bregman into the free zone for Willy Wonka, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Willy Wonka is flagged offside by the narrowest of margins, Arnold Schwarzenegger wants answers from the ref. The referee jogs over to the screen, both sets of players watching his every move. Massive call coming. Offside flagged by VAR! Arnold Schwarzenegger's celebration is cut short!

Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. Crunching tackle by Patrick Mahomes on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. What a ball from Patrick Mahomes! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Arnold Schwarzenegger is away on his own. That is velvet. Arnold Schwarzenegger controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner. Corner from Arnold Schwarzenegger into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with.

Painful afternoon. CaseOh and Willy Wonka walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Paris Saint-Glinglin's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football. The ball from Lionel Messi rips through the defensive curtain, Will Smith is flying into the space like an arrow. The philanthropist aims with surgical precision on the pass from Sean Combs! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

PENALTY! The conspiracy theorist is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. The conspiracy theorist hits the post on the penalty! In that position, that bad luck is BRUTAL, but you have to keep your head up and carry on. Gastón Edul is on the prowl for the rebound and prods it in from two yards, pure poacher.

Oh dear, México No-Era-Penal have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

The lawyer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Lobbed cross from the lawyer over the centre-halves for Charlie Kirk. When you have got that quality of delivery, you cause absolute carnage. BOOOM the conspiracy theorist plants the header into the net! In that position, dominating in the air like that is what wins you the tight matches. GOAL!

Free kick from Willy Wonka played as a cross, Gastón Edul positions himself at the far post. The journalist is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. The reflexes from CaseOh are STAGGERING! The opposition smashed it and the keeper caught the lot. Not human.

Charlie Kirk starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Will Smith conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Patrick Mahomes once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 190 and 31 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' And we are back underway! CaseOh jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Failed challenge from Davo Xeneise, ends up with his legs in the air while the attacker calmly plays on. The digital transformation consultant pushes it away with the tips of his gloves for a corner. In that position, pulling off a tip like that is the mark of a leader. Patrick Mahomes aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

CaseOh climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Willy Wonka films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Sideways ball from Sean Combs to Myriam Bregman, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Myriam Bregman gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. The lawyer grabs the attacker by the shoulder, blatant foul. Myriam Bregman picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price.

Clearance from the digital transformation consultant towards Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Aerial duel won by the film producer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Corner from Charlie Kirk into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away. The lawyer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. The lawyer plays it simple to Davo Xeneise, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

What positioning from Patrick Mahomes! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Raking ball from the american football player to Will Smith, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Lionel Messi sends Myriam Bregman into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. That's offside. Myriam Bregman was straining at the leash and went too early on Lionel Messi's ball. The digital transformation consultant goes long for Charlie Kirk, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Charlie Kirk triggers a change of flanks for Myriam Bregman, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

What a performance! CaseOh exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Myriam Bregman just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

No idea who's attacking and who's defending, total chaos. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. OHHHH the THUNDERBOLT from Davo Xeneise! On the assist from Myriam Bregman, he rocks the net with a DEVASTATING strike!

Davo Xeneise finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Patrick Mahomes plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Monster press from Sean Combs! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Poacher's goal from Sean Combs! The keeper spilled it and Sean Combs prods the ball into the net.

Sean Combs kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Myriam Bregman takes a knee behind him. CaseOh raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Patrick Mahomes pings a ridiculous diagonal to Will Smith. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Dreadful pass from Will Smith, lands three yards away from the target. Davo Xeneise can do nothing with that. Myriam Bregman leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. The free kick from Myriam Bregman is superb, it picks out Charlie Kirk unmarked in the box.

Good ball from the lawyer to Gastón Edul, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The journalist starts a one-two with Charlie Kirk, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Gastón Edul peels off his marker too early, he's offside from Myriam Bregman's delivery. Free kick. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat.

Charlie Kirk plays a low free kick into the box, Willy Wonka cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Lovely take from CaseOh! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Lay-off from Willy Wonka to Will Smith, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Will Smith spots Sean Combs peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Marginal offside called on Sean Combs, Davo Xeneise's through ball cut the defence open perfectly.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. CaseOh, you go left. Patrick Mahomes, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. A Ryanair mix-up saw Charlie Kirk land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 33-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Patrick Mahomes squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

And there it is, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Decisive interception from the american football player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Superb diagonal from the american football player to Gastón Edul, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The journalist butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Arnold Schwarzenegger finds Willy Wonka in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Lightning press from Davo Xeneise, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Short build-up from Davo Xeneise to Sean Combs, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Willy Wonka anticipates the run from Sean Combs and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. The rapper is caught offside by millimetres on Will Smith's pass, what a cruel call.

Arnold Schwarzenegger heads the corner from Willy Wonka at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough. CaseOh rolls it short to Charlie Kirk into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. What a tackle by Charlie Kirk! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

They've scored! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

CaseOh sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Will Smith snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. CaseOh waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The conspiracy theorist opens up to Myriam Bregman on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Myriam Bregman rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Short pass from the lawyer to Sean Combs, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Honours even. Arnold Schwarzenegger finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Charlie Kirk walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

SCRAMBLE after the lawyer's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. GOOOOL from Sean Combs! Tap-in from 3 yards, on the cross from Davo Xeneise, the empty net was waiting, job done. GOOOAL!

Myriam Bregman sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. CaseOh snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. CaseOh waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

The film producer switches the play to Davo Xeneise, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Davo Xeneise slides the ball into space for Arnold Schwarzenegger, he is away down the middle. Arnold Schwarzenegger gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Davo Xeneise.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Willy Wonka. Held the opponent back by the arm. Yellow card. Willy Wonka racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Willy Wonka fires the free kick into the wall, no surprises. The wall was well organised. CaseOh plays it short to Myriam Bregman, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Great vision from Sean Combs who switches to Willy Wonka. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Davo Xeneise to Charlie Kirk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon. High recovery from Willy Wonka, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Charlie Kirk is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at CaseOh and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Gastón Edul's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 168 and 31 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Willy Wonka squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

The philanthropist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Will Smith sets it for Patrick Mahomes, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The american football player finds Gastón Edul in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. The journalist bends the ball into the box for Davo Xeneise. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Aerial duel lost by Davo Xeneise, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. The lawyer shifts Arnold Schwarzenegger into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

CaseOh plays it along the ground to Arnold Schwarzenegger, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Long ball from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Willy Wonka, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Willy Wonka spots the gap and sends Lionel Messi into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Lionel Messi slides the ball across the ground in the box, Sean Combs arrives for the finish. Oh what a challenge! Sean Combs goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer.

CaseOh distributes by hand to Patrick Mahomes on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Overlap from the american football player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Backpass from Davo Xeneise goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Classy interception from Myriam Bregman, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Myriam Bregman launches it to Gastón Edul on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

WHAT A WIN! Arnold Schwarzenegger and Myriam Bregman do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

The american football player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Patrick Mahomes gifts Lionel Messi a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. GOOOOAL from Lionel Messi! The ball was loose, he sniffed it out and BANG, in off the toe!

Willy Wonka plays the simple ball to Myriam Bregman, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The lawyer roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Good run from Myriam Bregman who crosses to the near post for Patrick Mahomes. The defender is beaten to it. The cross from Patrick Mahomes is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper.

CaseOh launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Arnold Schwarzenegger after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Arnold Schwarzenegger opens up to Gastón Edul on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Gastón Edul puts Davo Xeneise into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Perfect cut-back from Davo Xeneise, Lionel Messi receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Lionel Messi shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. The american football player refuses to give in and sprints all the way back to prevent the goal. In that position, that kind of spirit is absolutely priceless. Foul given against Patrick Mahomes, he went through the back of the opponent.

The lawyer finds Davo Xeneise along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Davo Xeneise nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. Davo Xeneise tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent. Well spotted by Patrick Mahomes who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Patrick Mahomes clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Gastón Edul stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." A train mix-up saw Lionel Messi end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 39-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' Kick-off! CaseOh wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

CaseOh mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Sean Combs plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. CaseOh plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Will Smith shifts it to Willy Wonka with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The chocolatier gets to the byline and floats one in for Patrick Mahomes. Crossing is his bread and butter. Aerial duel won by Patrick Mahomes, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Patrick Mahomes slips Davo Xeneise in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Nice combination started by the conspiracy theorist from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. The journalist plays it simple to Sean Combs, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The rapper whips in a classic cross for Arnold Schwarzenegger in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. CaseOh produces the goods! Reflex save, strong hand, nothing is getting past him!

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Foul by the film producer, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Yellow card for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Been nibbling at opponents all game, the ref has had his fill. The wall blocks the film producer's free kick! In that position, it's FRUSTRATING but the best ones adjust and eventually find a way through. CaseOh sparks the transition with a quick throw to Sean Combs, the break is lightning fast.

The corner from the lawyer is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Willy Wonka clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Short restart from the digital transformation consultant to Davo Xeneise, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Free kick swung in by Charlie Kirk, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Davo Xeneise is lurking. What a scramble from Davo Xeneise's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears! Shot blocked from Willy Wonka, the defender makes himself big and screens the ball. The shot doesn't get through. The philanthropist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

A draw — that grey zone. Charlie Kirk signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Patrick Mahomes adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

CaseOh runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Gastón Edul joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Myriam Bregman puts it right into the feet of Arnold Schwarzenegger, one touch and away. Silky stuff. GOOOAL from the film producer! Undefendable long-range rocket. In that position, when you have a foot capable of unleashing from anywhere, you become a nightmare for defences.

Right-footed cross from Willy Wonka, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Gastón Edul. Own goal from Gastón Edul, this is a NIGHTMARE! He tries to cut out the cross from Willy Wonka, the ball ricochets off his shin and lobs the keeper. The kind of thing you replay in your HEAD over and over at night.

Arnold Schwarzenegger reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Short pass from the film producer to Sean Combs, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sean Combs presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. The rapper lays it off first time to Lionel Messi, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

The film producer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Sean Combs launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Will Smith, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while CaseOh stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Inside info here — Gastón Edul insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 31, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Will Smith is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Smooth transition from Willy Wonka to Charlie Kirk, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Clumsy challenge from Charlie Kirk, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Patrick Mahomes wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. The referee has lost patience, yellow card for Patrick Mahomes. Foul after foul after foul. Patrick Mahomes's free kick is stopped by the wall. The defenders jumped well.

It's there! Lagos No-Carry-Last tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

CaseOh climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Myriam Bregman films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. The lawyer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Driven cross from Myriam Bregman into the box, Patrick Mahomes arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. The cross from Patrick Mahomes is overhit, the keeper collects comfortably in his area. Long kick from CaseOh, Will Smith positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Willy Wonka puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Sean Combs is there to finish. Magnificent leap from Sean Combs who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Davo Xeneise overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Davo Xeneise chips his cross over the back line, Patrick Mahomes is at the far post, free as a bird.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Patrick Mahomes slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Crucial intervention from the philanthropist, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Will Smith links up with Charlie Kirk, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Charlie Kirk plays the one-two with Gastón Edul, give and go, that is absolutely silky!

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Will Smith shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Charlie Kirk goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

GOAAAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from CaseOh. Will Smith is on his knees clapping, CaseOh is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Tremendous work from Myriam Bregman who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Nutmeg from the lawyer on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Curled effort from Myriam Bregman on the pass from Willy Wonka, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Solidarity move: Myriam Bregman grabs Charlie Kirk who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Charlie Kirk a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Patrick Mahomes with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Lionel Messi hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Lionel Messi bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Davo Xeneise wins the aerial battle.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Will Smith drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Davo Xeneise read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Davo Xeneise drifts just offside as Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! We're in limbo now, the VAR room is checking the footage. Both benches on their feet.

Myriam Bregman accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Cross from Myriam Bregman, he puts it on the far post for Gastón Edul. The cross from Gastón Edul is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky. Massive clearance from Lionel Messi, just get the ball as far away as possible.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Lionel Messi, lift your head up. Charlie Kirk, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." We're told that CaseOh once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Lionel Messi claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

It's a goal for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment CaseOh strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Davo Xeneise points at it, jaw on the floor. CaseOh shakes his head, not believing it.

Willy Wonka feeds Patrick Mahomes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Patrick Mahomes floats it into the gap for Gastón Edul, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Gastón Edul is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Patrick Mahomes's pass deserved better than that. The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. VAR denies the rapper! At that position, a ruled-out goal can knock the stuffing out of a player for the rest of the match.

The chocolatier devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. Willy Wonka drops it into space for Will Smith, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. The flag is up! Will Smith offside by a whisker on Myriam Bregman's pass. That's cruel that is. CaseOh lumps it long towards Charlie Kirk, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

The referee is reviewing the footage, taking his sweet time. The fans can barely watch. VAR corrects the referee's mistake, Gastón Edul fully deserves the red! Gastón Edul retaliates with a vicious kick to the opponent's shin. The ref sends him packing. Free kick played short by the journalist! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable.

Willy Wonka sends the free kick in front of goal, Will Smith leaps to try the header. Will Smith beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Will Smith clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing. Lionel Messi lofts a cross into the box, Will Smith is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Will Smith swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears! Davo Xeneise fires but the defender bravely throws himself in and takes the ball in the body. Heroic.

Emergency clearance from the film producer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Willy Wonka blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Booking for the chocolatier, that kind of reckless challenge can let the whole team down.

Gutting. Davo Xeneise throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. CaseOh picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Sublime through ball from Lionel Messi for Davo Xeneise who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. OOOOH the POACHER'S goal from Davo Xeneise! The keeper spilled, he was THERE, he poked it in. GOAL!

Full moonwalk from Lionel Messi, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Will Smith does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. CaseOh applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Davo Xeneise tries the one-two with Myriam Bregman and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Davo Xeneise wins the battle without even touching the opponent. GOOOOOAL! Davo Xeneise places it inside the post from the cross by Myriam Bregman, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Davo Xeneise falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Sean Combs arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

It was bound to happen. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and honestly, we deserved that.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from CaseOh, arms out like an aeroplane. Willy Wonka follows in like he's skiing. CaseOh arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Myriam Bregman threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Willy Wonka bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Willy Wonka forces a pass to Arnold Schwarzenegger who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone.

Lionel Messi takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. That's a leg-breaker from Lionel Messi! He's come in like a freight train on the attacker. Lionel Messi is cautioned for dangerous play. That high foot endangered everyone around him. Short free kick from Lionel Messi, Willy Wonka receives in space and can play on. Lovely use of the ball by Willy Wonka, finding Sean Combs in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Charlie Kirk rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Arnold Schwarzenegger glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Leaked texts reveal CaseOh tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 28-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' CaseOh trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Arnold Schwarzenegger launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. The digital transformation consultant throws it out to Sean Combs, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Sean Combs with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff.

Sean Combs sends an aerial beauty to Will Smith, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Will Smith sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Gastón Edul in the thick of it. SAVED by CaseOh! That strike looked unstoppable but the keeper pulled out a SUPERHUMAN reflex! Header missed from the corner by the lawyer! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air.

CaseOh finds Sean Combs with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Sean Combs senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Sean Combs embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. The rapper winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

It's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Three-man routine: CaseOh, Willy Wonka and CaseOh do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. WHAT A FINGERTIP SAVE from the digital transformation consultant! That kind of keeper saves you three points all on his own. CaseOh hoofs it forward towards Willy Wonka, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. Davo Xeneise does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

The journalist lays it off first time to Willy Wonka, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Clean lay-off from the chocolatier to Arnold Schwarzenegger into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to find Will Smith between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Willy Wonka reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Willy Wonka was quicker.

Shared match. CaseOh walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Will Smith does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! GOOOOAL from Davo Xeneise! BLISTERING strike that ends top corner, the keeper is on the deck!

The pile at the corner flag. Davo Xeneise is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. CaseOh arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

What a game, the ball flying from left to right, nobody in control anymore. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. The lawyer sends a cannonball on the pass from Lionel Messi, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

Myriam Bregman mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Will Smith raises Myriam Bregman's arm like a referee declaring the winner. CaseOh plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Rapid combination: Myriam Bregman to Lionel Messi, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. The rapper plays it simple to Arnold Schwarzenegger, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Arnold Schwarzenegger sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

Davo Xeneise swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Myriam Bregman, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Aerial duel lost by Myriam Bregman, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage. CaseOh stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper.

Masterful reading from Arnold Schwarzenegger who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. The film producer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Charlie Kirk. Pure quality, as per usual.

Sean Combs paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Sean Combs exhales and sits. Club sources confirm CaseOh has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 28, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Willy Wonka sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Elastico from Myriam Bregman, the ball goes right then snaps back left in an instant. The defender is lost. Good ball from the lawyer to Willy Wonka, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. CRAAACKER from Willy Wonka outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... The digital transformation consultant throws it out to Charlie Kirk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Oh no, it's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Magnificent tackle from Gastón Edul! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Wing switch from Gastón Edul, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Myriam Bregman brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Davo Xeneise charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Aerial lob from Davo Xeneise over the defence, Will Smith appears in behind. The touch is exquisite. Aerial claim from the digital transformation consultant, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. CaseOh sends an absolute rocket towards Myriam Bregman, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Arnold Schwarzenegger lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The digital transformation consultant finds Davo Xeneise with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Davo Xeneise looks up and launches a long pass towards Sean Combs. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Quick one-two between Sean Combs and Will Smith, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from CaseOh. Arnold Schwarzenegger is on his knees clapping, CaseOh is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Burst of speed from the conspiracy theorist down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Ball lost by Charlie Kirk, he tried to dribble but the defender shut the door. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere.

Shared match. Gastón Edul walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Lionel Messi does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Lionel Messi nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Sharp cut inside from Lionel Messi, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. Lionel Messi touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Fantastic high recovery from Charlie Kirk, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Charlie Kirk puts Gastón Edul into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The journalist prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

The film producer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Incredible solo charge from the film producer, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. Arnold Schwarzenegger loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Davo Xeneise anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

Raking ball from the lawyer to Arnold Schwarzenegger, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Good ball from the film producer to Sean Combs, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Sean Combs chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Short free kick from the rapper, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence.

The gaffer points at Patrick Mahomes: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Patrick Mahomes clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Charlie Kirk once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 33-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Sean Combs is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Good ball from the journalist to Will Smith, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Will Smith lays it off first time to Arnold Schwarzenegger, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Superb pass from Arnold Schwarzenegger into the gap for Patrick Mahomes, the defender is rooted to the spot. Patrick Mahomes beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. One touch football: Patrick Mahomes to Willy Wonka, faster than the opposition can think.

Inch-perfect tackle by Gastón Edul, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Massive clearance from the journalist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Just wide! Sean Combs struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Beautiful distribution from CaseOh to Willy Wonka, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Willy Wonka plays it simple to Sean Combs, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Patrick Mahomes rolls it to Will Smith, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Pinpoint delivery from the philanthropist towards Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Arnold Schwarzenegger connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not. CaseOh opts for the short option to Myriam Bregman, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Myriam Bregman switches the play to Sean Combs on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Willy Wonka whips it in and it's a right mess in the six-yard box, the defense scrambles it clear! Patrick Mahomes puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

And it's a goal! Rio Malandro FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Raw emotion: CaseOh cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Arnold Schwarzenegger crouches beside him and speaks softly. CaseOh jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Royal interception from Arnold Schwarzenegger! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Lionel Messi burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. GO ON Lionel Messi! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

Defeat. CaseOh sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Patrick Mahomes comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-3 (L)

CaseOh plays out from the back with Will Smith, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Good ball from the philanthropist to Willy Wonka, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. BOOOM the chocolatier sends a missile from distance! In that position, that kind of long-range strike is pure gold. GOAL!

CaseOh fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Gastón Edul plays the medic running in. CaseOh plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The chocolatier whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon. BOOOM the rapper prods it in at point-blank range! In that position, you live for those balls from 2 yards out, and he buries them. GOAL!

Willy Wonka does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Myriam Bregman launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. CaseOh arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

CaseOh slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Sean Combs photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Free kick conceded by Patrick Mahomes, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The free kick is played as a short pass by Patrick Mahomes, Will Smith picks it up and drives forward.

The rapper produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. Firm pass from Sean Combs into Willy Wonka, right into the boots. No waste. WIIIIIDE! Willy Wonka put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. CaseOh fires it out quickly by hand to Willy Wonka, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Myriam Bregman, you have barely touched the ball. Gastón Edul, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Reports suggest that Gastón Edul once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 31 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Arnold Schwarzenegger leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

They've done it! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Massive clearance from the philanthropist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Lionel Messi crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Myriam Bregman.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

The american football player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Short restart from CaseOh to Patrick Mahomes, building from the back nice and tidy. Patrick Mahomes fires the ball over to Davo Xeneise with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Davo Xeneise slides it to Willy Wonka, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Lionel Messi delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Willy Wonka is there to receive. Willy Wonka tries to find Lionel Messi with a cross but the defender cuts it out. The corner from the lawyer is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners.

Lionel Messi unleashes a raking ball out to Charlie Kirk, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Good ball from the conspiracy theorist to Lionel Messi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Good ball from Lionel Messi to Sean Combs, playing it quick between the lines. Sean Combs bounces it off Charlie Kirk for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

Lightning overlap from Charlie Kirk, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Charlie Kirk lays it off inside the box for Davo Xeneise, the defensive block is completely shattered. Davo Xeneise has embarrassed himself there, missing in front of an open goal after that beauty from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Terrible. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Willy Wonka unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. They've turned the screw and the defence is starting to buckle.

Sean Combs is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Patrick Mahomes sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

The free kick from Willy Wonka is floated in, Gastón Edul makes his run to the back post. GOOOOAL! Gastón Edul places his header from the cross by Myriam Bregman, immaculate!

Charlie Kirk spreads it to Patrick Mahomes, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Patrick Mahomes bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Patrick Mahomes holds the attacker at the waist, professional foul, ref blows. Patrick Mahomes sees yellow for a rugby tackle on the breakaway. Free kick, card, job done.

Enormous clearance from Arnold Schwarzenegger inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. CaseOh sticks the foot out at the right moment and blocks! The ball is neutralised, the keeper is everywhere. CaseOh boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Myriam Bregman! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Huge interception from Myriam Bregman! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Pitch-length run from the lawyer, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory.

Cross blocked from Lionel Messi, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending. Woeful corner from the conspiracy theorist. In that role, when you waste corners like that, you lose all your attacking credibility.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Myriam Bregman reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Patrick Mahomes cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm CaseOh spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 28-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Myriam Bregman is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Davo Xeneise keeps it short to Patrick Mahomes, no frills, just good football intelligence. Patrick Mahomes spreads the play and finds Lionel Messi in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Lionel Messi delivers from the byline, Gastón Edul is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Dangerous corner from the journalist, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Will Smith links a one-two with Sean Combs, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection. Will Smith slides the ball along the ground for Gastón Edul, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. Gastón Edul gives it to Sean Combs into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Wall combination between Sean Combs and Will Smith, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. Cut-back along the ground from Sean Combs on the right, Lionel Messi picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The philanthropist switches the play to Myriam Bregman, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Aerial duel lost by the lawyer, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. Patrick Mahomes puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Patrick Mahomes delivers a tidy ball to Myriam Bregman, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The lawyer bounces off Patrick Mahomes for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better.

Sean Combs hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. The cross from Sean Combs does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss. Long ball from CaseOh for Patrick Mahomes who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Monumental ball from Patrick Mahomes to Charlie Kirk, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Level at the final whistle. Charlie Kirk and Lionel Messi walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-3 (L)

Short corner from Willy Wonka to Arnold Schwarzenegger, they're looking for a better crossing angle. Arnold Schwarzenegger drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Patrick Mahomes is free inside the eighteen-yard box. GOOOAL from the american football player at point-blank range! In that position, knowing how to be RIGHT on the penalty spot at the right moment is what makes you indispensable.

Give and go from the chocolatier with Arnold Schwarzenegger, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. GOOOOL from Willy Wonka! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Dead defender. Willy Wonka mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Lionel Messi completes the choreography by collapsing. CaseOh arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Gastón Edul launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. The journalist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Arnold Schwarzenegger intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Arnold Schwarzenegger shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Gastón Edul. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Shot from the journalist, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. CaseOh leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode. Tidy restart from CaseOh along the deck to Sean Combs, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Sean Combs rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Will Smith. The far side is completely deserted.

Disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

CaseOh scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Myriam Bregman is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Charlie Kirk stares at the floor. Myriam Bregman cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Myriam Bregman sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 54, the 180-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show The Price Is Outrageous! To win a Freddo at its current price, text 0800FREDDO and answer: 'In what year did a Freddo cost ten pence and all was right with the world?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. CaseOh picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

The philanthropist finds Myriam Bregman along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Myriam Bregman drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Charlie Kirk. Charlie Kirk heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Short restart from the digital transformation consultant to Lionel Messi, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Switch from Lionel Messi! The ball arcs over the midfield and Myriam Bregman collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

They've scored again! Sevilla Olé-Olé are running riot and we can't cope.

CaseOh and Will Smith do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. CaseOh arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Ferocious high press, the ball carrier is in full panic mode. The philanthropist misplaces his pass to Sean Combs, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Lovely anticipation from the journalist who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Lionel Messi charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Lionel Messi lobs the defence with a silky chipped cross, Sean Combs brings it down on his chest. Magnificent. Perfect aerial claim from CaseOh! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. Driven kick from CaseOh to Lionel Messi, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Decisive interception from the journalist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Lionel Messi covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Lionel Messi tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

Davo Xeneise lays it off first time to Charlie Kirk, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Lionel Messi winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

CaseOh climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Myriam Bregman films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Will Smith delivers a tidy ball to Patrick Mahomes, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Low pull-back from Patrick Mahomes across the turf, Arnold Schwarzenegger controls and shoots in one movement. Arnold Schwarzenegger blazes it into the stands when Will Smith had opened the door wide! Empty goal and he still finds a way to miss. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Final whistle, final nail. CaseOh pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Myriam Bregman gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Little Gemma from Kettering says it was 2002 and she wants those days back. One Freddo at current market rates for Gemma! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Patrick Mahomes goes sliding in and doesn't touch a thing, fresh air tackle that. Awful. The referee awards a penalty for the journalist! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. GOOOOAL! Gastón Edul converts the penalty, the keeper goes the wrong way. Ice cold.

Perfect back flip from Patrick Mahomes right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Charlie Kirk tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even CaseOh has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

The one-two between Patrick Mahomes and Myriam Bregman blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. GOOOOOAL! Patrick Mahomes lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Myriam Bregman and the ball nestles in the corner!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Patrick Mahomes strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Charlie Kirk points at it, jaw on the floor. CaseOh shakes his head, not believing it.

Willy Wonka sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Will Smith. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Will Smith is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. Outrageous stop from CaseOh! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE.

We're still playing! The board is up, there's time for one last miracle. Rapid combination: Willy Wonka to Patrick Mahomes, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The press from Patrick Mahomes pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Patrick Mahomes pounces. A forced gift.

Willy Wonka slips Arnold Schwarzenegger in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Arnold Schwarzenegger curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. The philanthropist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Gastón Edul. Pure quality, as per usual.

Will Smith cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Bit of a scoop for you — Gastón Edul plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 31, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Willy Wonka squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Short pass from the american football player to Arnold Schwarzenegger, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Arnold Schwarzenegger lays it off first time to Patrick Mahomes, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Step-overs from Patrick Mahomes, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. No luck for Patrick Mahomes, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball.

It's there! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

CaseOh runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Myriam Bregman joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. DUEEEEL won by CaseOh! He cut the line and gathered the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! Patrick Mahomes throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Oh dear oh dear! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

CaseOh fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Charlie Kirk floats his free kick into the area, Gastón Edul is there for the header. Gastón Edul outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Lionel Messi drops a lofted ball to Will Smith, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Willy Wonka embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. No joy for Willy Wonka, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

Nightmare! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

CaseOh rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Arnold Schwarzenegger jumps on his back, CaseOh is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

CaseOh throws it out quickly to Willy Wonka, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Raking ball from the chocolatier to Charlie Kirk, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Charlie Kirk plays the simple ball to Arnold Schwarzenegger, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Good cross from the film producer for Willy Wonka in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

Gutting. Will Smith throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Patrick Mahomes picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Delicious through ball from Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Lionel Messi is there to gobble it up. Lionel Messi pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Arnold Schwarzenegger runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Sean Combs gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Quick throw from CaseOh to Arnold Schwarzenegger out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Massive diagonal from Arnold Schwarzenegger! Sean Combs receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. The rapper wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

The lawyer plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Sean Combs goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Cross out of reach from Lionel Messi, Patrick Mahomes cannot do a thing, it is too high.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The lawyer plays it simple to Arnold Schwarzenegger, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Body feint from the film producer, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Ball across the ground from Arnold Schwarzenegger, it slides through the entire box and reaches Myriam Bregman on the penalty spot. Short pass from the lawyer to Davo Xeneise, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

They've nicked a goal! London Three-Pints catch us cold on the break.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Will Smith is biting {his} nails in the corner. Patrick Mahomes stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Will Smith once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 58-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Charlie Kirk leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Patrick Mahomes with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break.

Interception from Arnold Schwarzenegger right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Lionel Messi tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Shot from Sean Combs, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Arnold Schwarzenegger delivers a tidy ball to Myriam Bregman, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Myriam Bregman pulls it back along the ground for Lionel Messi, that is the perfect cut-back! OHHH what a strike from Lionel Messi! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

Davo Xeneise puts it right into the feet of Willy Wonka, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The opponent is bundled over by Willy Wonka. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Yellow card. Willy Wonka has been fouling all half, the referee finally acts. Willy Wonka's free kick ends up in the wall, no way through. Massive clearance from the philanthropist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Sean Combs pings a long diagonal to Charlie Kirk, completely shifts the point of attack. Enormous leap from the conspiracy theorist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Charlie Kirk finds Willy Wonka between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Underhit ball from Davo Xeneise, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. High recovery from Sean Combs! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off.

Perfect parity. Will Smith slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Patrick Mahomes watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.