My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesser. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. ZHC is on this team. ZHC, who is a youtuber and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their camera under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-132 (L)
Jesser opens with an and-one! This unknown gem making an early statement!
A bank shot from ZHC sails wide! This who-is-this-guy player needs to regroup!
MrBeast passes to nobody! This reliable star with a head-scratching decision!
This top-tier talent Robert Wadlow picks up the cheap foul! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Robert Wadlow kicks the air! The frustration of a circus performer who knows they can do better!
Halftime whistle! Chandler Hallow slides down against the hallway wall. Little scoop: Chandler Hallow tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
ZHC dishes the Wilson but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Jesser tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a youtuber's energy for the algorithm!
Chandler Hallow double-dribbles! Captivating the algorithm doesn't have that rule!
Jesser pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The youtuber in them is showing!
Chandler Hallow, this smooth operator, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Robert Wadlow mutters while walking out. MrBeast watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-124 (L)
This hidden prospect Jesser opens the scoring! A deep three! Early advantage!
Robert Wadlow misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
This dark horse Jesser commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
ZHC gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the algorithm on a rough day!
MrBeast shakes their head! A youtuber who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime! ZHC checks his stats on the board and winces. Little secret: ZHC has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Jesser goes to work but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Chandler Hallow cramps up! Muscles tight from their camera and the damn ball double duty!
ZHC commits the live-ball turnover! Their camera would be ashamed!
ZHC storms to the bench! Heated! This youtuber doesn't handle losing well!
ZHC refuses to make excuses! A youtuber owns the algorithm failures too!
Jesser's eyes are glassy. ZHC mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Tonight I had a revelation: ZHC runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
92-111 (L)
Jesser stretches center court! Loosening up, the youtuber is getting ready!
This total unknown Chandler Hallow puts up a fadeaway jumper but it won't fall! Off night!
Jesser trips up in the low post! A youtuber never trips at work... Right?
MrBeast gets crossed over! This jersey-selling name left frozen from downtown!
Chandler Hallow goes baseline and scores! The algorithm prepared them for this moment!
Break. Robert Wadlow collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Robert Wadlow launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Robert Wadlow, this tower, pounds the scorer's table! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Robert Wadlow launches an off-balance shot and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
ZHC, this hungry young player, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a double-clutch layup!
Jesser bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a youtuber after their camera overtime!
Robert Wadlow crosses over past the media. This All-Star caliber talent not in the mood to talk.
Jesser sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. ZHC winces. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
80-124 (L)
Chandler Hallow fires up the crowd to open the game! This dark horse starting strong!
MrBeast rattles in and out! The algorithm never teases a youtuber like that!
Jesser throws it away! A pass worse than a youtuber tossing the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow overcommits! Going all-in like a circus performer on the game, but wrong!
This player nobody saw coming Jesser throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Halftime. The physio pounces on ZHC to massage his thighs. Did you know ZHC entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Robert Wadlow clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
MrBeast, this guy everybody knows, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Robert Wadlow coughs it up! A circus performer's grip doesn't work on the orange!
Robert Wadlow storms to the bench! This certified bucket is visibly upset!
Robert Wadlow leaves the field house quietly! Quiet as a circus performer after the game setback!
MrBeast walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesser stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-124 (L)
ZHC steps onto the field house! From captivating the algorithm to this, game time!
Robert Wadlow can't finish! The circus performer who finishes the game can't finish the play!
ZHC, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass off the pick and roll!
ZHC gets posterized! A youtuber framed by their camera in the worst way!
Robert Wadlow, this beanpole, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
Halftime whistle. Jesser high-fives his teammates on the way out. Small detail: Jesser whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Chandler Hallow, this potential breakout star, fumbles the finish at the top of the key! Back to the drawing board!
Chandler Hallow crosses over a step slower than usual! Injury-prone body in the tank!
This newcomer Chandler Hallow with turnover number points! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Chandler Hallow gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
This dude out of nowhere Jesser shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
MrBeast replays the score in his head on a loop. ZHC tries to think about something else. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-133 (L)
Robert Wadlow, this tree of a man, sets the tone immediately! Silky smooth technique from the jump!
ZHC forces up a hook shot over the defense! Ego the size of Texas! Bad decision!
This world-class player MrBeast with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
MrBeast bites on the fake! Fooled like a youtuber by counterfeit the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a circus performer hits the workbench!
Halftime! Jesser is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know? Jesser tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jesser fires and misses from the low block. Should have stuck with the algorithm!
This potential breakout star Jesser can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Jesser loses the Wilson! A youtuber would never be this careless!
This diamond in the rough Chandler Hallow shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
MrBeast tips the cap to the winners! The youtuber's grace with the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow's eyes are glassy. Jesser mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
84-129 (L)
Chandler Hallow, this dude out of nowhere, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesser just barely misses! Close as a youtuber getting the algorithm almost right!
MrBeast loses possession! The algorithm never leaves a youtuber's hands like that!
Robert Wadlow left in the dust! Even a circus performer moves faster than that!
Chandler Hallow vents at their teammates! The youtuber who vents about the algorithm!
Break. Chandler Hallow's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Rumor has it Chandler Hallow has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Chandler Hallow misses the bunny! A youtuber dropping the algorithm from point-blank!
ZHC stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a youtuber over the algorithm!
Chandler Hallow turns it over in the perimeter! Butterfingers from this youtuber!
MrBeast argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to captivating the algorithm!
Chandler Hallow absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a youtuber knows tough days!
ZHC's eyes are red, jaw tight. Jesser apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
87-132 (L)
ZHC crosses over onto the floor! The crowd roars for this raw talent!
MrBeast misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the algorithm!
Intercepted! MrBeast's pass snatched right out of the air! A youtuber would never be that careless!
Jesser, this tweener, gets dunked on under the basket! Poster material!
Chandler Hallow is visibly upset! Upset as a youtuber when the algorithm goes sideways!
Time to breathe. Robert Wadlow has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. True story: Robert Wadlow had his parking spot stolen by Minnesota Ice-Wall's mascot. Still talks about it. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Chandler Hallow misfires on the floater! Too much float, the youtuber touch abandoned them!
Chandler Hallow can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of captivating the algorithm!
Jesser forces the pass! Forcing their camera where it doesn't fit!
Robert Wadlow drops the head after another miss! Occasional mental lapses sapping the confidence!
This diamond in the rough Chandler Hallow tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Robert Wadlow is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. MrBeast waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-127 (L)
Opening possession for Jesser! First touch, like first touch of their camera!
This diamond in the rough ZHC whiffs on a double-clutch layup! The crowd groans!
ZHC with a wild pass that sails out! This who-is-this-guy player giving it away!
This rising star ZHC fouls reaching in! Sometimes predictable game on defense!
ZHC walks away muttering! Muttering about the algorithm under their breath!
Halftime. Jesser's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know? Jesser launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
ZHC, this versatile guy, can't get an off-balance shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Robert Wadlow is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure circus performer stubbornness!
MrBeast coughs up the leather! Tendency to rush strikes again at the top of the key!
Chandler Hallow slams the basketball in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
MrBeast tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we captivates better, like the algorithm!'
MrBeast mutters 'damn' under his breath. Chandler Hallow says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-118 (L)
Chandler Hallow, this versatile guy, is introduced and the arena explodes! This total unknown is in the building!
Chandler Hallow with a rough free throw from the left corner! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Jesser tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Tendency to rush in the decision-making!
ZHC can't stay in front! Captivating the algorithm doesn't build lateral quickness!
MrBeast throws their hands up! Like a youtuber when their camera breaks!
Off to the locker room. Robert Wadlow has already drained two water bottles. Small detail: Robert Wadlow whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Jesser misfires on the low block! Even this who-is-this-guy player has off nights!
Jesser is running on fumes! The youtuber tank is completely empty!
Sloppy handling by Jesser! Captivating the algorithm is done with more finesse!
This bonafide star MrBeast fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
ZHC shakes hands through the pain! A youtuber who respects their camera and the game!
Robert Wadlow isolates in a corner, back against the wall. MrBeast tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-129 (L)
MrBeast bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Robert Wadlow, this oversized freak, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates from the right corner!
Robert Wadlow with the backcourt violation! A circus performer going backwards with the game!
Robert Wadlow, this giant, gets exploited in the switch! Heavy feet exposed in the mismatch!
MrBeast buries their face! Hidden from view, the youtuber can't watch!
End of the first act. Robert Wadlow is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Little secret: Robert Wadlow listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A half-court heave from ZHC goes in and out! Heartbreaking facing the rim!
Chandler Hallow misses the rotation! Too tired, like a youtuber too tired for the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow with the errant pass! This reliable star needs to settle down!
Jesser penetrates angrily after the turnover! This rising star spiraling!
Jesser packs up and heads out! Packing their camera, unpacking emotions!
ZHC sits on the floor in the hallway. MrBeast sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-121 (L)
MrBeast announces themselves! The youtuber has arrived and the building knows it!
Robert Wadlow rattles it out! Shaking the court with their bare hands intensity!
Jesser with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a circus performer chasing the game!
Robert Wadlow mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Break! Robert Wadlow rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. They say Robert Wadlow has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Chandler Hallow forces a bad step-back three! This raw talent needs to trust teammates!
MrBeast gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from captivating the algorithm and hooping!
Chandler Hallow loses the Spalding in traffic! This dude out of nowhere can't afford that!
Robert Wadlow, this tree of a man, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
ZHC vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their camera reinforced with the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. MrBeast nods without conviction. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-133 (L)
Jesser checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
That one wasn't even close, MrBeast! Stick to captivating the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow turns it over on the decisive possession! A circus performer dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
MrBeast beaten to the spot! Slower than a youtuber on a Monday morning!
ZHC sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a youtuber after a long shift!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jesser picks up the pace. Quick anecdote about Jesser: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Robert Wadlow with the off-balance tear drop! This jersey-selling name couldn't set the feet!
ZHC is cramping up! This newcomer trying to shake it off! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This rising star Jesser dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jesser, this tweener, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Jesser walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to youtuber life tomorrow!
Chandler Hallow refuses the coach's embrace. Jesser accepts it but his body is stiff. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-130 (L)
Robert Wadlow sets the tone early! The circus performer came to play tonight!
A reverse layup from Jesser catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Jesser, this do-it-all player, gets stripped at the buzzer! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
ZHC watches helplessly! A youtuber watching the algorithm fall off the shelf!
Robert Wadlow, this bonafide star, with the frustrated foul! Heavy feet in tough moments!
Off to the locker room. Robert Wadlow has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Robert Wadlow lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
This dark horse ZHC rattles it out! So close yet so far under the basket!
Jesser digs deep! Deep as a youtuber digs into the algorithm!
Robert Wadlow, this absolute unit, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
Jesser crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This who-is-this-guy player losing composure!
ZHC looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a youtuber!
Jesser hurls his mouthguard into the trash. MrBeast keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-132 (L)
The den welcomes Chandler Hallow! The youtuber with the algorithm has arrived!
ZHC pulls up the damn ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this who-is-this-guy player!
Stolen from Jesser! A youtuber who let it slip through their fingers!
Robert Wadlow gets screened out of the play! This world-class player lost in traffic!
This established star Robert Wadlow stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
The players head to the locker room. Jesser is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Jesser fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
MrBeast, this big-name player, pulls the trigger driving to the hoop but no luck!
MrBeast gulps water! As thirsty as a youtuber reaching for the algorithm!
This dark horse Jesser loses concentration and the pill with it!
Chandler Hallow, this unknown gem, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
Jesser takes the loss hard! Hard as the algorithm on a bad youtuber day!
Chandler Hallow presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. ZHC walks right past without noticing. I learned tonight that Chandler Hallow used to be a youtuber. That explains the unique running style. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesser.
Season journal
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