My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Bhaichung Bhutia's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Roger Fernandes! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Bhaichung Bhutia climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Roger Fernandes films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Kyriani Sabbe intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! David Raum put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Pau Cubarsí jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Manuel Neuer parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Pau Cubarsí launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Alessandro Nesta throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Alessandro Nesta to David Raum, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. David Raum sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. David Raum fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Kevin De Bruyne throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Kevin De Bruyne, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Manuel Neuer sparks the transition with a quick throw to David Raum, the break is lightning fast. David Raum launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while David Raum was flying. Lightning overlap from David Raum, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from David Raum, Roger Fernandes receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Manuel Neuer palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Manuel Neuer has covered seven kilometres already." Kevin De Bruyne shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Manuel Neuer fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Manuel Neuer is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 193, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Manuel Neuer comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Thierry Henry goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Manuel Neuer parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Kyriani Sabbe clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Nuno Mendes with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Nuno Mendes to Bhaichung Bhutia, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Manuel Neuer getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Pau Cubarsí wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Alessandro Nesta. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Pau Cubarsí links up with Thierry Henry, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Kevin De Bruyne is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Nuno Mendes clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Pau Cubarsí! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. David Raum curls a cross to the near post, Nuno Mendes is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Manuel Neuer slides on his knees across the wet turf, Alessandro Nesta piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Kevin De Bruyne winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Kevin De Bruyne does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Roger Fernandes launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Manuel Neuer arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

David Raum sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. David Raum dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Nuno Mendes arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Nuno Mendes places his header from the cross by Bhaichung Bhutia, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Kyriani Sabbe sends an aerial beauty to Roger Fernandes, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Thierry Henry, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Roger Fernandes is there to gobble it up. Roger Fernandes drifts just offside as Thierry Henry plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Pau Cubarsí to Kyriani Sabbe, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Kevin De Bruyne threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Roger Fernandes bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Roger Fernandes! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Roger Fernandes takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Nuno Mendes is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Alessandro Nesta, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Alessandro Nesta adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 50, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Thierry Henry jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Nuno Mendes, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Nuno Mendes, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Pedri to Nuno Mendes, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Nuno Mendes, Roger Fernandes receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Roger Fernandes! The goal was empty, Pau Cubarsí puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Pau Cubarsí slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Pau Cubarsí slides a beauty through the gap, Roger Fernandes is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Roger Fernandes goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Manuel Neuer runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Kyriani Sabbe joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Pau Cubarsí puts Roger Fernandes into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Roger Fernandes wants to find Kevin De Bruyne between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, David Raum to Roger Fernandes, they bypass the wall with the combination. Roger Fernandes shifts it to Thierry Henry with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Nuno Mendes exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Manuel Neuer just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Manuel Neuer legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. David Raum tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

David Raum presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from David Raum, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from David Raum! On the inswinging cross from Roger Fernandes, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from David Raum right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Pau Cubarsí tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Manuel Neuer has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Nuno Mendes, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Nuno Mendes! It fizzes between the lines and Alessandro Nesta collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Alessandro Nesta sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Nuno Mendes rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Pau Cubarsí jumps on his back, Manuel Neuer is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Manuel Neuer points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Pau Cubarsí comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Bhaichung Bhutia places it inside the post from the cross by David Raum, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Bhaichung Bhutia mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Kevin De Bruyne plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Manuel Neuer plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Kevin De Bruyne is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Bhaichung Bhutia adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Nuno Mendes sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 24, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Kevin De Bruyne high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from David Raum, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Roger Fernandes. Roger Fernandes crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Kyriani Sabbe in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from David Raum, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. David Raum pretends to strike and lays it off to Roger Fernandes, well worked short free kick. Roger Fernandes takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Roger Fernandes! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Kyriani Sabbe on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Kyriani Sabbe picks out Alessandro Nesta with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Alessandro Nesta eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Alessandro Nesta pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Alessandro Nesta finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Alessandro Nesta, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Alessandro Nesta opens up to Nuno Mendes on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Nuno Mendes there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Thierry Henry, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Manuel Neuer grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Nuno Mendes is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Kyriani Sabbe and Bhaichung Bhutia, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Bhaichung Bhutia spots the gap and sends David Raum into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. David Raum sets it for Kyriani Sabbe, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Kyriani Sabbe slips Alessandro Nesta in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Nuno Mendes lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Alessandro Nesta down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Alessandro Nesta was beyond the last man when Kyriani Sabbe released the pass. Thierry Henry scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Kevin De Bruyne grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Roger Fernandes pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Manuel Neuer to Kyriani Sabbe, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Kyriani Sabbe to the near post and wins the header. Kyriani Sabbe was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Pau Cubarsí! Sumptuous header on the cross from Bhaichung Bhutia, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Manuel Neuer stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Alessandro Nesta comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Roger Fernandes reads the movement from David Raum and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from David Raum! On the gift from Bhaichung Bhutia, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Roger Fernandes stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Nuno Mendes follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Manuel Neuer plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. David Raum shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Roger Fernandes. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Roger Fernandes looks for Kyriani Sabbe but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Pedri hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Pedri loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Roger Fernandes is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Thierry Henry and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Manuel Neuer owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 193, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Nuno Mendes leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Pedri launches it to David Raum on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Kyriani Sabbe! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Roger Fernandes is away on his own. That is velvet. Roger Fernandes bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Thierry Henry triggers a change of flanks for Roger Fernandes, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Roger Fernandes, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Thierry Henry, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Kevin De Bruyne played as a cross, David Raum positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by David Raum, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Manuel Neuer! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Bhaichung Bhutia to Pedri, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pedri spreads the play and finds Kevin De Bruyne in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Kevin De Bruyne plays it simple to Roger Fernandes, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Roger Fernandes puts it right into the feet of Bhaichung Bhutia, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Kevin De Bruyne spreads it to Alessandro Nesta, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Alessandro Nesta tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Alessandro Nesta, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Manuel Neuer launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Kyriani Sabbe after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Kyriani Sabbe to Bhaichung Bhutia, faster than the opposition can think. Bhaichung Bhutia gifts Nuno Mendes a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Kyriani Sabbe and Kevin De Bruyne do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Kyriani Sabbe turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Bhaichung Bhutia, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Bhaichung Bhutia! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Bhaichung Bhutia sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Bhaichung Bhutia legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Thierry Henry tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Roger Fernandes finds the gap and serves Thierry Henry in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Thierry Henry, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

David Raum does not fancy the shot and goes short to Kyriani Sabbe, trying to disorganise the defence. Kyriani Sabbe beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Kyriani Sabbe rolls it to Bhaichung Bhutia, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Bhaichung Bhutia and Pedri blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Manuel Neuer eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Roger Fernandes pulls Manuel Neuer away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Kevin De Bruyne takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Kevin De Bruyne over the entire defence, Nuno Mendes finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Manuel Neuer! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Manuel Neuer to Kyriani Sabbe, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Alessandro Nesta wants to push higher. Bhaichung Bhutia reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Bhaichung Bhutia, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Alessandro Nesta, standing at 187, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Kevin De Bruyne is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Kevin De Bruyne delivers a tidy ball to Thierry Henry, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Thierry Henry that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Alessandro Nesta sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Pau Cubarsí absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Bhaichung Bhutia into Alessandro Nesta, right into the boots. No waste. Alessandro Nesta turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Pau Cubarsí. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Pau Cubarsí! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! David Raum is beside himself. Tidy restart from Manuel Neuer along the deck to Alessandro Nesta, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Alessandro Nesta shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Roger Fernandes chips his cross over the back line, Kyriani Sabbe is at the far post, free as a bird. Kyriani Sabbe goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Thierry Henry finds Kyriani Sabbe between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Kyriani Sabbe switches the play to Alessandro Nesta on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Alessandro Nesta dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Alessandro Nesta goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Roger Fernandes, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Roger Fernandes shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Roger Fernandes... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Manuel Neuer eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Roger Fernandes pulls Manuel Neuer away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Nuno Mendes. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Bhaichung Bhutia! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Bhaichung Bhutia takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Thierry Henry follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Bhaichung Bhutia plays the simple ball to Pau Cubarsí, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Pau Cubarsí pulls it back along the ground for Bhaichung Bhutia, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Bhaichung Bhutia! On the genius pass from Kevin De Bruyne, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Bhaichung Bhutia climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Thierry Henry films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from David Raum followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. David Raum treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

David Raum stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Kevin De Bruyne comes over and hugs him without a word.

Kevin De Bruyne delivers an inswinging free kick, Bhaichung Bhutia at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Bhaichung Bhutia, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Roger Fernandes hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Alessandro Nesta wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Nuno Mendes! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Nuno Mendes to David Raum, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from David Raum, Kevin De Bruyne had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Thierry Henry gives it to Pedri into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Pedri, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Manuel Neuer winces. Kyriani Sabbe looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. David Raum once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Kevin De Bruyne sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Pau Cubarsí produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. David Raum powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. David Raum floats a cross in from the wing for Kyriani Sabbe, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Pedri changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Nuno Mendes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Nuno Mendes who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Kevin De Bruyne picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Kevin De Bruyne delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Roger Fernandes hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Manuel Neuer throws it out quickly to Bhaichung Bhutia, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Bhaichung Bhutia to David Raum, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from David Raum who crosses to the near post for Nuno Mendes. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Manuel Neuer runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Thierry Henry joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Roger Fernandes is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Pau Cubarsí heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Pau Cubarsí looks up and launches a long pass towards Alessandro Nesta. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Alessandro Nesta to Roger Fernandes, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Roger Fernandes, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Bhaichung Bhutia and Roger Fernandes are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Bhaichung Bhutia. "Next time," replies Roger Fernandes. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Bhaichung Bhutia tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Bhaichung Bhutia follows up the play perfectly on the strike from David Raum! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Bhaichung Bhutia fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Pedri plays the medic running in. Manuel Neuer plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Nuno Mendes sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Nuno Mendes, threading it through for David Raum, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for David Raum! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Pau Cubarsí with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Pau Cubarsí, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Pau Cubarsí! On the pass from David Raum, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Pau Cubarsí spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Thierry Henry gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Kevin De Bruyne into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Kyriani Sabbe, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Thierry Henry drops a lofted ball to David Raum, it sails over the entire midfield line. David Raum lofts a cross into the box, Thierry Henry is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Thierry Henry rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Pedri aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 24 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Pedri just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Bhaichung Bhutia, standing 173, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Pedri sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Manuel Neuer fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Thierry Henry plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Nuno Mendes refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Nuno Mendes commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Nuno Mendes picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Nuno Mendes tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Roger Fernandes comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Nuno Mendes in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. David Raum puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. David Raum reaches the byline and cuts it back for Thierry Henry arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Manuel Neuer dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Nuno Mendes! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Nuno Mendes, the ball skims the grass and finds Kyriani Sabbe who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Kyriani Sabbe rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Manuel Neuer distributes short to Roger Fernandes, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Roger Fernandes to Nuno Mendes, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Nuno Mendes drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Kevin De Bruyne is a dangerous one, Bhaichung Bhutia meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Bhaichung Bhutia loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Manuel Neuer! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Manuel Neuer walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Nuno Mendes follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Kyriani Sabbe rips through the defensive curtain, Nuno Mendes is flying into the space like an arrow. Nuno Mendes looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Kyriani Sabbe mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Kevin De Bruyne raises Kyriani Sabbe's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Manuel Neuer plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Kyriani Sabbe clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Roger Fernandes, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Pedri on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Pedri dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Pedri booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Pedri plays a low free kick into the box, Roger Fernandes cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Manuel Neuer hoofs it forward towards Thierry Henry, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Thierry Henry, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Pau Cubarsí brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Pau Cubarsí, he puts it on the far post for Kyriani Sabbe. Kyriani Sabbe tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Manuel Neuer is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Pau Cubarsí! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Pau Cubarsí slides it to Kyriani Sabbe, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Roger Fernandes is biting {his} nails in the corner. Manuel Neuer stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Kyriani Sabbe once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 21-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Bhaichung Bhutia leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Alessandro Nesta lays it off first time to Roger Fernandes, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Roger Fernandes keeps it short to David Raum, no frills, just good football intelligence. David Raum takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. David Raum tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Pedri's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Alessandro Nesta boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Alessandro Nesta launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Alessandro Nesta, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Thierry Henry tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Pau Cubarsí sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Kevin De Bruyne bounces off Alessandro Nesta, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Kevin De Bruyne and the entire defence is eliminated, Roger Fernandes is through on goal. The space is enormous. Roger Fernandes is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Nuno Mendes is shaking his head. Short distribution from Manuel Neuer to Kevin De Bruyne, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Kevin De Bruyne, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Nuno Mendes reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Nuno Mendes to Thierry Henry, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Thierry Henry looks for Bhaichung Bhutia with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Thierry Henry kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Alessandro Nesta does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Manuel Neuer kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Roger Fernandes takes a knee behind him. Manuel Neuer raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Nuno Mendes and Bhaichung Bhutia, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Nuno Mendes! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Nuno Mendes legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bhaichung Bhutia tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Kyriani Sabbe and Pedri, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Pedri, David Raum arrives at pace and can hit it first time. David Raum winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Kyriani Sabbe strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Thierry Henry points at it, jaw on the floor. Manuel Neuer shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Bhaichung Bhutia, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Bhaichung Bhutia, finding Pedri in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Pedri to Roger Fernandes, the ball drifts into the free zone and Roger Fernandes is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Nuno Mendes, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Nuno Mendes takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Pedri got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 24 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Alessandro Nesta is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from David Raum down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. David Raum looks up and swings in a floated cross, Thierry Henry rises among the defenders. Cross from Thierry Henry far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Roger Fernandes on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Roger Fernandes for Pau Cubarsí in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Pau Cubarsí unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from David Raum! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Bhaichung Bhutia picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Bhaichung Bhutia thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Pau Cubarsí's pass. Manuel Neuer goes long for Alessandro Nesta, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Alessandro Nesta sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Pedri is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Thierry Henry to Pau Cubarsí, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Pau Cubarsí with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Pau Cubarsí fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Thierry Henry, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Nuno Mendes sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Bhaichung Bhutia is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Bhaichung Bhutia is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Nuno Mendes's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Nuno Mendes feeds Alessandro Nesta in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Pedri, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Pedri shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Manuel Neuer distributes by hand to Thierry Henry on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Thierry Henry wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Roger Fernandes pings a long diagonal to Alessandro Nesta, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Alessandro Nesta! Kyriani Sabbe picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Kyriani Sabbe takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Kyriani Sabbe, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Roger Fernandes.

Points shared. Kevin De Bruyne sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. David Raum crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Kyriani Sabbe! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Roger Fernandes onto the pass from Thierry Henry produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Kyriani Sabbe runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Kevin De Bruyne gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Kevin De Bruyne, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Thierry Henry turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Manuel Neuer, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Thierry Henry. Aerial duel lost by Thierry Henry, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Manuel Neuer stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Pedri, header from Thierry Henry at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Roger Fernandes pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Roger Fernandes launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses David Raum's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Bhaichung Bhutia who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Manuel Neuer is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Nuno Mendes, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Pedri once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 24 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Bhaichung Bhutia wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Nuno Mendes launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Kyriani Sabbe! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Kyriani Sabbe, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Nuno Mendes there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Bhaichung Bhutia tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Pedri gives it to Kevin De Bruyne who returns it first time, Pedri ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Pedri accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Pedri in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Pedri combines with David Raum from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Manuel Neuer and Pau Cubarsí do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Manuel Neuer arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Pedri plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Pedri. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Pedri, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Kevin De Bruyne is lurking. Aerial duel won by Kevin De Bruyne in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Manuel Neuer rolls it short to Pedri into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Pedri finds Bhaichung Bhutia on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Bhaichung Bhutia delivers a tidy ball to Thierry Henry, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Pedri walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Pau Cubarsí carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Thierry Henry from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Thierry Henry storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Thierry Henry! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Thierry Henry sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Pau Cubarsí snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Manuel Neuer waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Kyriani Sabbe with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Thierry Henry spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Kyriani Sabbe grabs Roger Fernandes who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Roger Fernandes a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Nuno Mendes to Kyriani Sabbe, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Kyriani Sabbe. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Kyriani Sabbe, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Kyriani Sabbe... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Pau Cubarsí in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Roger Fernandes! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Roger Fernandes plays it into the channel for Kyriani Sabbe, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Kyriani Sabbe aims for Roger Fernandes but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Kyriani Sabbe! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Kyriani Sabbe boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Pau Cubarsí with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Pau Cubarsí! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Roger Fernandes. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." David Raum is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Kyriani Sabbe is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Pau Cubarsí once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 19 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Pedri leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Roger Fernandes unleashes a raking ball out to Kevin De Bruyne, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Kevin De Bruyne weights his pass into the space for Roger Fernandes who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. David Raum launches a long ball for Roger Fernandes, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Manuel Neuer plays out from the back with Pau Cubarsí, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Pau Cubarsí, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Manuel Neuer closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Manuel Neuer opts for the short option to Nuno Mendes, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Roger Fernandes delivered with pace, Nuno Mendes finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Nuno Mendes is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Roger Fernandes slips Thierry Henry in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Alessandro Nesta for Thierry Henry who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Thierry Henry is caught offside from Roger Fernandes's ball over the top. Manuel Neuer boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Bhaichung Bhutia! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Bhaichung Bhutia slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Manuel Neuer plays it along the ground to David Raum, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from David Raum! The ball arcs over the midfield and Roger Fernandes collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Roger Fernandes releases Alessandro Nesta with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Alessandro Nesta gets to the byline and cuts it back low, David Raum just needs to sidefoot it home. David Raum with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Manuel Neuer walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Kevin De Bruyne follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Roger Fernandes to Pedri, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Pedri lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Manuel Neuer, Alessandro Nesta positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Alessandro Nesta explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Alessandro Nesta over the defence, Nuno Mendes is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Pau Cubarsí goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Pau Cubarsí inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Roger Fernandes plays the free kick quickly to Alessandro Nesta, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Alessandro Nesta strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Bhaichung Bhutia tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Pedri picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Pedri, it sails over the entire back four and Nuno Mendes is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Manuel Neuer! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Manuel Neuer sends an absolute rocket towards Pau Cubarsí, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Kevin De Bruyne claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Roger Fernandes's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 21 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Thierry Henry salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Bhaichung Bhutia overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Bhaichung Bhutia, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Roger Fernandes. Danger. Cross from Roger Fernandes intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Roger Fernandes, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Pedri, lovely delivery and Bhaichung Bhutia rises above the defence. Bhaichung Bhutia goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Bhaichung Bhutia to Roger Fernandes, playing it quick between the lines. Roger Fernandes wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Alessandro Nesta goes crossfield to Kevin De Bruyne, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Kevin De Bruyne off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Thierry Henry at the far side. Manuel Neuer repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Bhaichung Bhutia heads the corner from Pedri at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Nuno Mendes has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Nuno Mendes sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Manuel Neuer lumps it long towards Bhaichung Bhutia, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Bhaichung Bhutia! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Bhaichung Bhutia feeds Roger Fernandes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Roger Fernandes! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! David Raum is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Kyriani Sabbe pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Kyriani Sabbe goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Bhaichung Bhutia! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Bhaichung Bhutia spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Kyriani Sabbe kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Bhaichung Bhutia takes a knee behind him. Manuel Neuer raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. David Raum rises on the delivery from Thierry Henry and powers a furious header into the net!

Pau Cubarsí rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Kyriani Sabbe. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Kyriani Sabbe for Pedri, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Pedri into the box, Kyriani Sabbe arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Manuel Neuer! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Manuel Neuer smashes a volley towards Bhaichung Bhutia, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Bhaichung Bhutia! Nuno Mendes receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Pedri is chatting with Manuel Neuer about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Pau Cubarsí — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 184, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Manuel Neuer is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Nuno Mendes is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Nuno Mendes has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Nuno Mendes plays the free kick back to Alessandro Nesta, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from David Raum, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but David Raum grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to David Raum, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. David Raum shapes to shoot but plays it short to Bhaichung Bhutia, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Bhaichung Bhutia and Kyriani Sabbe, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Kyriani Sabbe, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Alessandro Nesta! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Alessandro Nesta feeds Kyriani Sabbe in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Kyriani Sabbe to Pedri, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Thierry Henry gives it to David Raum into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. David Raum has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Alessandro Nesta, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from David Raum! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Pedri pings a ridiculous diagonal to Kevin De Bruyne. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Kevin De Bruyne is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Pau Cubarsí lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Manuel Neuer grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Nuno Mendes pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Pedri feeds Thierry Henry in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Thierry Henry! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Alessandro Nesta anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Alessandro Nesta beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Alessandro Nesta takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Bhaichung Bhutia, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Bhaichung Bhutia sets it for Thierry Henry, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Manuel Neuer plays it short to David Raum, building out from the back. Calculated risk. David Raum plays the simple ball to Pedri, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Manuel Neuer, you have the pace. Nuno Mendes, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Manuel Neuer, all 193 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Pau Cubarsí leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Manuel Neuer to Bhaichung Bhutia, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Bhaichung Bhutia powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Bhaichung Bhutia tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Manuel Neuer! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Manuel Neuer, sends the ball sixty yards, David Raum is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from David Raum clears the defence and finds Thierry Henry in the danger area. Thierry Henry beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Thierry Henry winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

David Raum gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from David Raum. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. David Raum earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from David Raum is floated in, Thierry Henry makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Manuel Neuer spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Pedri gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Pau Cubarsí swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Bhaichung Bhutia, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Bhaichung Bhutia wins the header and flicks it on for Pedri. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Bhaichung Bhutia under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Pau Cubarsí dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Kevin De Bruyne sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Bhaichung Bhutia. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. David Raum drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Roger Fernandes read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Roger Fernandes, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Bhaichung Bhutia leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Bhaichung Bhutia racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Bhaichung Bhutia's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Manuel Neuer for Pedri who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Manuel Neuer slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Pedri has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Manuel Neuer sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Kevin De Bruyne! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Bhaichung Bhutia, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Thierry Henry catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Thierry Henry! On the pass from Pedri, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Thierry Henry does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Manuel Neuer launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Manuel Neuer arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Pedri finds Kevin De Bruyne between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Kevin De Bruyne along the grass for Pedri. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Pedri trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Kevin De Bruyne had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Roger Fernandes lays it off first time to Pau Cubarsí, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Pau Cubarsí squares it back for Alessandro Nesta, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Manuel Neuer catapults the ball towards Alessandro Nesta from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Alessandro Nesta who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Alessandro Nesta. One touch football: Alessandro Nesta to Kevin De Bruyne, faster than the opposition can think.

Kevin De Bruyne starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Pau Cubarsí conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Bhaichung Bhutia was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 173, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Pau Cubarsí jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Bhaichung Bhutia, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Nuno Mendes sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Manuel Neuer is at the centre, lifted up by Kevin De Bruyne and Manuel Neuer, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Kevin De Bruyne on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Kevin De Bruyne, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Alessandro Nesta mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Alessandro Nesta sends an inswinging free kick in, David Raum rises for the header at the far post.

Nuno Mendes cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Nuno Mendes slides it to Pau Cubarsí, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Pau Cubarsí to Roger Fernandes, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Nuno Mendes, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Kyriani Sabbe. Kyriani Sabbe tries to find Nuno Mendes but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Nuno Mendes goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Nuno Mendes just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Kevin De Bruyne has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

David Raum presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. David Raum unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Alessandro Nesta frees up the entire channel for Thierry Henry with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Thierry Henry, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Nuno Mendes.

Brilliant! Alessandro Nesta goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Manuel Neuer photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'