My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

King Kong cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. King Kong picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! The player aims with surgical precision on the pass from Harry Potter! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Raw emotion: King Kong cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Harry Potter crouches beside him and speaks softly. Cyborg jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The photographer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Massive clearance from the photographer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Cyborg catapults the ball towards Deadpool from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Diagonal from Deadpool to King Kong, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Unbelievable! Paris Saint-Glinglin score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Hulk slides it to Sonic the Hedgehog, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The player plays it simple to Barry Allen, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Crafty ball from Barry Allen into the gap, Gumball Watterson arrives into the space and collects on the move.

King Kong anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Hulk lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Godzilla down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Cyborg, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Cyborg opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. Brilliant little nugget — Hulk has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' And we are back underway! King Kong jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Godzilla launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Barry Allen spreads it to Hulk, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The scientist presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. OHHH Hulk strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling!

The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

The superhero bounces off Sonic the Hedgehog for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Overlap from the superhero with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Foul by the superhero, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The free kick is taken quickly, Barry Allen to Buzz Lightyear who drives forward immediately.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Cyborg sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. King Kong snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Cyborg waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Tony Stark lays it off first time to Harry Potter, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Harry Potter drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. Rapid combination: Harry Potter to Buzz Lightyear, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Brilliant cut-back from Buzz Lightyear along the grass for Deadpool. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Reflex save from the superhero! When your keeper makes that kind of stop, you want to win the match for him.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. The mercenary trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Booking for Deadpool, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Deadpool's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Cyborg smashes a volley towards Godzilla, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

The mercenary switches the play to Hulk, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Pass into space from Hulk for Buzz Lightyear, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Buzz Lightyear hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Low cut-back from the photographer for Sonic the Hedgehog. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality.

Lost it. Sonic the Hedgehog kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. King Kong hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-2 (L)

Quick one-two between Deadpool and Buzz Lightyear, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Buzz Lightyear plays it back across the box for Deadpool, the low cross is inch-perfect. Deadpool aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

Dead defender. Deadpool mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Cyborg completes the choreography by collapsing. Cyborg arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Sonic the Hedgehog looks up and launches a long pass towards Tony Stark. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Tony Stark delivers a tidy ball to Barry Allen, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Barry Allen puts it right into the feet of Harry Potter, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Flash wall from Barry Allen for Harry Potter who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Godzilla. Pure quality, as per usual. Good ball from the player to Gumball Watterson, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The middle schooler fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Free kick played short by Gumball Watterson and Deadpool, the opposition did not see that one coming.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Late challenge from Godzilla, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. Godzilla is finally booked. The constant fouling was becoming a joke out there. Free kick into the wall for the player! In that position, when the wall blocks your free kick, you can't drop your head, it's part of the game. Cyborg sends an absolute rocket towards Deadpool, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Instinctive clearance from King Kong who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Buzz Lightyear: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 28 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Buzz Lightyear is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 28-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' And the second half is go! Godzilla charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Long ball from Cyborg for Gumball Watterson who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Lovely use of the ball by Gumball Watterson, finding Godzilla in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The player finds Buzz Lightyear along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The photographer opens up to Deadpool on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

GOAL for México No-Era-Penal! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Cyborg is at the centre, lifted up by Gumball Watterson and Cyborg, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. México No-Era-Penal's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Wall pass between the player and Hulk, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. The overlap from Sonic the Hedgehog, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Ball lost by Sonic the Hedgehog, he tried to dribble but the defender shut the door. Gumball Watterson throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. The middle schooler boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

And it's a goal! México No-Era-Penal punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Cyborg scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Hulk is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Tony Stark finds Hulk between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. Tony Stark puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like.

Short distribution from Cyborg to Harry Potter, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Harry Potter steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Harry Potter lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Wicked through ball from Deadpool, the ball skims the grass and finds Buzz Lightyear who had set off before anyone else even noticed. CRAAACKER from Buzz Lightyear outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! The corner from Buzz Lightyear is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger.

A loss that will linger. King Kong drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Barry Allen texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-2 (L)

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. BOOOOOM! Deadpool sends a BOMB from 25 yards, the keeper just watched the ball fly past!

Deadpool climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Cyborg films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Short pass from the player to Gumball Watterson, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Gumball Watterson finds Hulk with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. The scientist misses in front of an open goal after the service from Sonic the Hedgehog! In that position, that is the kind of miss that haunts you for weeks. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. King Kong spots Godzilla in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The player loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. Tony Stark absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

The free kick is played short by Sonic the Hedgehog to Godzilla, smart approach that. Good cross from the player for Sonic the Hedgehog in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Sonic the Hedgehog sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post. The corner from Deadpool comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Superb diagonal from the scientist to Tony Stark, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Tony Stark grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Godzilla is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Sonic the Hedgehog still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 28-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Kick-off! Godzilla wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

They've scored again! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are running riot and we can't cope.

Cyborg climbs onto Harry Potter's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Cyborg circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Cyborg takes his time and plays it short to Sonic the Hedgehog. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Crossfield pass from Sonic the Hedgehog to Barry Allen, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. The superhero lays it off first time to Sonic the Hedgehog, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Cyborg launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Sonic the Hedgehog after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Sonic the Hedgehog reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Sonic the Hedgehog boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Emergency clearance from the player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Raking ball from the photographer to Barry Allen, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The superhero finds Buzz Lightyear along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Low pull-back from Buzz Lightyear across the turf, Tony Stark controls and shoots in one movement. Cyborg gets a hand from nowhere and diverts the shot! So close to a goal but the keeper says no.

Harry Potter plays the simple ball to Gumball Watterson, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Gumball Watterson gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Deadpool. Cross blocked from the mercenary by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. The superhero goes long for Gumball Watterson, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Aerial duel won by the middle schooler, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Tony Stark plays short to Sonic the Hedgehog on the corner, a classic little tactical combination. The player pulls it back along the ground for Harry Potter. The low cut-back is his trademark. The quidditch player blazes it over with the goal wide open! Gumball Watterson had given him everything. In that position, a miss like that can cost you the match and your confidence. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Sonic the Hedgehog sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Hulk reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Hulk. Sonic the Hedgehog almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

The scientist starts a one-two with Deadpool, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Hulk sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

Hulk sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Godzilla snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Cyborg waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

It's in! Dakar Teranga FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Cyborg runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Deadpool gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Sonic the Hedgehog burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The player plays it simple to King Kong, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Harry Potter holds it up and plays to Tony Stark on the short corner, patient build-up to disrupt the defensive shape. Tony Stark slips Buzz Lightyear in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Good ball from the photographer to Tony Stark, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Tony Stark goes crossfield to Harry Potter, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Sideways ball from Deadpool to Sonic the Hedgehog, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Quick dribble from Sonic the Hedgehog, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Lay-off from Sonic the Hedgehog to Barry Allen, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Cyborg pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Deadpool once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 28, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' The second period begins and Barry Allen launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

They've scored! Dakar Teranga FC find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Corner from Tony Stark, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Decisive interception from King Kong who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but King Kong saw it all. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Gumball Watterson shifts it to Barry Allen with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Ball in behind from the superhero, Deadpool is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. The mercenary is flagged offside by a whisker on Gumball Watterson's ball, agonising decision. Quick throw from Cyborg to Tony Stark out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. The superhero slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position.

Buzz Lightyear drops a lofted ball to Hulk, it sails over the entire midfield line. Magnificent tackle from Hulk! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Telepathic pass from Hulk to Deadpool, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Big strike from the mercenary, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

The linesman's flag goes up and Sonic the Hedgehog can't believe it! Offside from Hulk's through ball, no goal! The referee raises his finger, listening to VAR. Time has stopped inside this ground. The big screen shows the offside — VAR rules Harry Potter's effort out! We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

Massive clearance from Gumball Watterson, just get the ball as far away as possible. Cyborg hoofs it forward towards Godzilla, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Godzilla with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Deadpool shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Gumball Watterson is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-3 (L)

Corner from Harry Potter, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears! GOOOAL for Gumball Watterson! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Harry Potter arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Hulk slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Harry Potter drops the ball in from the free kick, Tony Stark arrives at the near post. The cross from the superhero is blocked by a defender. That is the risk when you deliver from that area, the defence is watching. Godzilla hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The opponent gets the better of the quidditch player in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Delicious through ball from Tony Stark, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Deadpool is there to gobble it up. Deadpool scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment.

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Cyborg falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Tony Stark arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

King Kong boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Gumball Watterson takes the hit without responding. Cyborg drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Godzilla's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 28-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Sonic the Hedgehog wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

And there it is, Douala Makossa-Corner score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Cyborg sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Gumball Watterson photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Lovely interception from Buzz Lightyear, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Burst of pace from Barry Allen on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. The superhero lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

Barry Allen puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Gumball Watterson comes steaming in. The middle schooler misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The superhero switches the play to King Kong, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. OHHH Deadpool unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

It's there! Douala Makossa-Corner hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

The photographer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Free kick to the opponents. Tony Stark caught his man with a stray leg. Deserved booking for Tony Stark, raked his studs down the opponent's calf.

Cyborg sparks the transition with a quick throw to King Kong, the break is lightning fast. King Kong loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do. The superhero heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Tony Stark delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Barry Allen is there to receive. Barry Allen outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Cyborg shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Gumball Watterson is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-3 (L)

Hulk sets it for Buzz Lightyear, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Buzz Lightyear drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Hulk read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The scientist places his shot to perfection on the cross from Deadpool, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Intense pressing from Harry Potter, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Sublime through ball from Harry Potter for Godzilla who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. The player sends a cannonball on the pass from Harry Potter, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

Solidarity move: Harry Potter grabs Tony Stark who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Tony Stark a standing ovation right through to the restart.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

The pile at the corner flag. Cyborg is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Cyborg arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

The mercenary wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. Deadpool winds up and puts it into orbit, the fans behind the goal are having a good laugh. Cyborg lumps it long towards Harry Potter, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Cyborg stretches backwards and tips the ball over the frame! What a superhuman reflex! The superhero finds Gumball Watterson with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Tony Stark punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Club physios had to confiscate Harry Potter's PlayStation after the 46-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 180, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Sonic the Hedgehog is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. What a ball from King Kong! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Gumball Watterson is away on his own. That is velvet. Underhit ball from Gumball Watterson, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

Harry Potter produces a piece of skill that will live long in the memory, the entire ground is in raptures. Harry Potter overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. The quidditch player bends the ball into the box for King Kong. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

It was bound to happen. Lagos No-Carry-Last score and honestly, we deserved that.

Cyborg climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Deadpool films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The photographer puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Tactical foul by Buzz Lightyear, he wraps his arms around the opponent and stops the break dead. Yellow card for Buzz Lightyear, he body-checked the runner to snuff out the transition. Second booking for the photographer, he's off. His team will have to completely reshape without him. Buzz Lightyear sends a wicked free kick into the area, Barry Allen is lurking with intent.

Disaster! Lagos No-Carry-Last score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Raw emotion: Cyborg cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Sonic the Hedgehog crouches beside him and speaks softly. Cyborg jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Superb tackle from the photographer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Buzz Lightyear clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Royal interception from Gumball Watterson! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. The middle schooler finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Hulk clean through. Pure genius from that position. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Hulk strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Free kick conceded by the player, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner.

Massive punt from Cyborg, sends the ball sixty yards, King Kong is scrapping for it up top. Gorgeous crossfield ball from King Kong to Gumball Watterson, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Gumball Watterson rolls it to Deadpool, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Deadpool puts Godzilla into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Tony Stark stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Buzz Lightyear walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Lagos No-Carry-Last are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

What an ERROR from Cyborg! He drops his ball right in the middle, the opponent capitalises, nightmare stuff. GOOOOOAL! King Kong is 4 yards from the empty net, he just has to brush the ball. EASY GOAL but well taken!

Crucial intervention from the middle schooler, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Tony Stark has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Cyborg boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Harry Potter! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Harry Potter steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Emergency clearance from the quidditch player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Tony Stark tries to buy a free kick with a dramatic fall. The referee sees straight through it. Tony Stark takes a booking for simulation, what a shameless dive that was. Tony Stark puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Gumball Watterson is there to finish.

Absolutely dreadful! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Cyborg unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Harry Potter makes a heart sign with his hands. Cyborg finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Harry Potter cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Cyborg once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 28-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' The second period begins and Godzilla launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Double step-over from Sonic the Hedgehog, the defender buys both feints. Total humiliation. Sonic the Hedgehog plays it simple to Gumball Watterson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Ball into space from Gumball Watterson, Harry Potter just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

Incredible solo charge from the scientist, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. The scientist loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Oh that's poor! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Hulk feeds Godzilla in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The player catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Inevitable booking for Godzilla. He's been at it all match with these little fouls. Free kick stopped! Godzilla shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended. King Kong thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Tony Stark's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Lifesaving clearance from Tony Stark! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now.

Intelligent short corner from Harry Potter to King Kong, they refuse the aerial cross. King Kong pulls it back along the ground for Gumball Watterson, that is the perfect cut-back! That is SHAMEFUUUUL! Gumball Watterson just had to push it in after the pass from Sonic the Hedgehog and he has made a meal of it.

Short restart from the superhero to Barry Allen, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Barry Allen pings a ridiculous diagonal to Harry Potter. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Enormous leap from the quidditch player who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Clearance from Harry Potter under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Monster clearance from Cyborg, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Harry Potter.

Tony Stark goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Buzz Lightyear takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Barry Allen hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Lobbed cross from Barry Allen, it sails over the entire back four and Godzilla is there behind. Brilliant. Godzilla attacks the inswinging cross from Sonic the Hedgehog and places a SURGICAL header into the far corner! GOAL!

Barry Allen mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Cyborg plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Cyborg plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAAAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Cyborg climbs onto King Kong's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Cyborg circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Tony Stark whips the free kick into the box for Hulk, dangerous delivery! Oh no Hulk! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Buzz Lightyear deserved better. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Brilliant switch of play from Deadpool! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Tony Stark.

Superb defensive work from King Kong there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Switch from King Kong! The ball arcs over the midfield and Hulk collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. Barry Allen presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Ball over the top from Barry Allen, Godzilla had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. SHOOOOOOT from Godzilla! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Tony Stark reties {his} laces for the fourth time. King Kong cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Cyborg once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 28-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Second half underway and Harry Potter is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Barry Allen changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Sonic the Hedgehog. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Sonic the Hedgehog powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Sonic the Hedgehog gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence.

Beautiful distribution from Cyborg to Godzilla, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Godzilla gives it to Tony Stark into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Little shift from Tony Stark to Harry Potter, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Harry Potter pings a long diagonal to Godzilla, completely shifts the point of attack.

Cyborg goes long for Gumball Watterson, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Smooth transition from Gumball Watterson to Hulk, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Monumental ball from Hulk to Sonic the Hedgehog, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. The player overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The player rolls it back along the ground for Hulk. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

The quidditch player lays it off first time to Gumball Watterson, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Gumball Watterson sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Gumball Watterson curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save! Corner from Gumball Watterson, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Hulk boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Sonic the Hedgehog lobs it over the centre-backs, Tony Stark arrives at pace and finds himself clean through. The superhero climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Cyborg rolls it short to King Kong into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Hulk anticipates the run from King Kong and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. King Kong picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. King Kong dinks a lob over the defenders for Barry Allen, the ball lands like a feather. OHHH the header from the superhero goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

Honours even. King Kong swaps shirts with one of the Montevideo Garra-Charrúa lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Harry Potter, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

SCRAMBLE after the player's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. The photographer was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

Sonic the Hedgehog slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Hulk photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Clearance from the superhero towards Tony Stark, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Interception from Tony Stark right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Sonic the Hedgehog embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. Sonic the Hedgehog tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

What a mess! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Tremendous work from Barry Allen who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Overlap from Deadpool with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

The corner from Tony Stark is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Harry Potter clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Cyborg fires it out quickly by hand to Barry Allen, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Cyborg: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 28 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Now Hulk has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 180 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Cyborg wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

One touch football: Buzz Lightyear to Harry Potter, faster than the opposition can think. Harry Potter releases Tony Stark with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Acceleration from Tony Stark down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Tony Stark grabs a handful of the attacker's shirt and won't let go!

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Cyborg slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Harry Potter photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Short corner from Sonic the Hedgehog, Buzz Lightyear comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. Quick exchange between Buzz Lightyear and Barry Allen, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Barry Allen keeps it short to Buzz Lightyear, no frills, just good football intelligence. Massive diagonal from Buzz Lightyear! Tony Stark receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The superhero throws it out to Hulk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Aerial duel lost by Hulk, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. Buzz Lightyear meets the cross from Deadpool with his head but it goes over the bar!

Deadpool triggers a change of flanks for Barry Allen, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Careless distribution from Barry Allen, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Oh what a challenge! Buzz Lightyear goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Wing switch from Buzz Lightyear, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Sonic the Hedgehog brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The player gets to the byline and floats one in for Godzilla. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Cut-back along the turf from the player for Deadpool. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. MISSSSED! Deadpool alone in front of goal on the service from Buzz Lightyear and it goes wide. The bench has heads in hands. Cyborg throws it out quickly to Harry Potter, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Gumball Watterson anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Just wide! Barry Allen struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision.

That hurts. Godzilla leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. King Kong stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Godzilla nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Free kick from Sonic the Hedgehog, lovely delivery and Tony Stark rises above the defence. OG! OG! OG! Tony Stark puts it in the back of his own net! Oh you absolute CLOWN he tried to look clever and it ends in CATASTROPHE! The ball from Hulk bounces off him and goes in. UNBELIEVABLE.

'I told you so' mode. Sonic the Hedgehog eyeballs the Rio Malandro FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Harry Potter pulls Sonic the Hedgehog away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

What a tackle by Buzz Lightyear! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Buzz Lightyear to Sonic the Hedgehog, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Sonic the Hedgehog picks out Harry Potter with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Harry Potter lofts a cross into the box, Deadpool is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Cross from Deadpool blocked at the defender's feet. The attempt comes to nothing.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Tony Stark tries to pick out Harry Potter on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Intense pressing from the player, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team.

The middle schooler finds Harry Potter along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Harry Potter controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner. Harry Potter takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

High recovery from Tony Stark, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Nutmeg from Tony Stark on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. The superhero lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Deadpool has covered seven kilometres already." Cyborg shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Deadpool fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Quite remarkable — Cyborg got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 28 years old. And now, our TV game show Fifteen to One Complaint! To win a year of free parking at a hospital that charges for parking, text 4345 and answer: 'How much does it cost to park at a British hospital for twenty minutes?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Godzilla leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Good ball from the player to Tony Stark, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Incredible burst of pace from Tony Stark, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Great overlap from Tony Stark down the flank, pinpoint cross for Gumball Watterson in the area. This is the moment. Lovely take from the superhero! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Sonic the Hedgehog. That is exactly why he is out there. Just wide from Sonic the Hedgehog, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Cyborg plays out from the back with Buzz Lightyear, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

The player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Short pass from the player to Sonic the Hedgehog, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Magnificent shift from Sonic the Hedgehog! Hulk picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Cross from Hulk off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Barry Allen at the far side. Barry Allen loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. BY A WHISKER! Harry Potter fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Short restart from Cyborg to Buzz Lightyear, building from the back nice and tidy. Good ball from Buzz Lightyear to Sonic the Hedgehog, playing it quick between the lines.

Header missed from the corner by the quidditch player! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Cyborg distributes short to King Kong, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The player misplaces his pass to Buzz Lightyear, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. King Kong presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. GO ON King Kong! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

That is a statement result! Harry Potter stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Godzilla joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Rio Malandro FC won't forget this one. Ron from Doncaster says it costs roughly the same as a small holiday in Benidorm. Free hospital parking for Ron! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Enormous anticipation from King Kong who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. King Kong strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. King Kong takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

Oh dear, Istanbul Cehennem FK have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Cyborg finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The photographer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. The quidditch player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

The ball from Deadpool rips through the defensive curtain, Buzz Lightyear is flying into the space like an arrow. The photographer is caught offside by millimetres on Sonic the Hedgehog's pass, what a cruel call. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Firm pass from Deadpool into Gumball Watterson, right into the boots. No waste.

Superb tackle from the photographer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Buzz Lightyear links up with Harry Potter, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Short build-up from Harry Potter to King Kong, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. King Kong fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Tony Stark throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Cross from Tony Stark repelled by the defence in the heart of the area. It is not getting through.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Hulk is biting {his} nails in the corner. Sonic the Hedgehog stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Unbelievable but true — Tony Stark has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 56 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Back on the pitch and Buzz Lightyear is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Hulk goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. The scientist wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. The referee books Hulk for unsporting conduct. That was a sly dig at the opponent. The scientist sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying.

Harry Potter delivers an inswinging free kick, Deadpool at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Deadpool climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

The corner from Harry Potter is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. The scientist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Buzz Lightyear switches the play to Gumball Watterson on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Quick one-two between Gumball Watterson and Hulk, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Hulk nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic.

Through ball from the superhero for Buzz Lightyear, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Buzz Lightyear puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Shocker from Buzz Lightyear on that tackle! The attacker didn't even need to dribble past him. The player is sent off as the last man. In that position, he knew the stakes — his team is down to ten.

Driven kick from Cyborg to Buzz Lightyear, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Buzz Lightyear wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. The photographer lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The scientist cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Sonic the Hedgehog. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat.

Share of the spoils. King Kong walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Godzilla throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Istanbul Cehennem FK probably walk away happier than we do. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-3 (L)

What positioning from Gumball Watterson! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Gumball Watterson embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. GOOOOAL from Gumball Watterson! On the inswinging cross from Deadpool, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Combination between the player and King Kong on the short corner. In that role, these variations at set pieces disrupt every defense. Cross from the right by King Kong, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Godzilla at the back post. Godzilla sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping. Cyborg opts for the short option to Sonic the Hedgehog, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Sonic the Hedgehog wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance.

The middle schooler switches the play to Hulk, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Overlap from Hulk on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Good ball from the scientist to Sonic the Hedgehog, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. With one swing of the boot, Sonic the Hedgehog finds Barry Allen on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Long kick from Cyborg, Tony Stark positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Classy interception from Tony Stark, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. The superhero plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Short pass from the player to Tony Stark, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

It's kicking off everywhere, tackles, pressing, aerial battles nonstop. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Ball into space from the scientist for Barry Allen, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Tony Stark, lift your head up. Cyborg, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." A delightful revelation — Godzilla panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 28 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Hulk is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Cyborg sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Cyborg, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

The superhero lays it off first time to Sonic the Hedgehog, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Sonic the Hedgehog gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Buzz Lightyear sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

It's hit the back of the net! Milano Piano-Piano lead and we look completely lost.

Cyborg dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Sonic the Hedgehog can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Cyborg claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Decisive glance from King Kong who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. The player switches the play to Buzz Lightyear, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Buzz Lightyear with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy.

And it's in! Milano Piano-Piano take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Cyborg fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Buzz Lightyear plays the medic running in. Cyborg plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The photographer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Cyborg plays it along the ground to Godzilla, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Gumball Watterson dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Phenomenal run from Gumball Watterson, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

King Kong intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Tony Stark accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Tony Stark tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

Loss against Milano Piano-Piano and it stings. Cyborg still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Sonic the Hedgehog follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Buzz Lightyear slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. GOOOOAL from the superhero! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

High recovery from Tony Stark after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Tony Stark gifts King Kong a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. King Kong produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

Magnificent reading of the game from Godzilla, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Godzilla launches it to Deadpool on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Deadpool is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Cyborg rescues his side with an insane reflex save! Heroic stuff.

Tony Stark opens up to Buzz Lightyear on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Buzz Lightyear rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Buzz Lightyear hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. The player is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

The photographer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Buzz Lightyear takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. The photographer reads the movement before anyone else and puts Gumball Watterson into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Godzilla's eyes are bloodshot. Barry Allen looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Word from the training ground is that Cyborg brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 180 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' And they are off! Hulk touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Cyborg mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Godzilla plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Cyborg applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Swarming press, the opposition doesn't know which way to turn. Hulk pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Hulk takes his free kick and the wall does its job. Blocked, no worries. Oh what a mess from Hulk's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear!

Oh it's gone in! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

The photographer finds Harry Potter along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Harry Potter spots the gap and sends King Kong into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. The player finds Harry Potter along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Harry Potter rolls it to Godzilla, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Sonic the Hedgehog lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner! Sonic the Hedgehog unleashes a shot, the defender sticks out an arm. PENALTY! That's a silly thing to do in your own box. Penalty missed by Barry Allen, the shot goes wide of the post. He's devastated.

Gumball Watterson launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Interception from Hulk who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Hulk. Massive clearance from Hulk in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Harry Potter wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. Harry Potter beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Harry Potter strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Cyborg plays it short to Gumball Watterson, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

That hurts. Barry Allen leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Buzz Lightyear stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Barry Allen nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-3 (L)

That's a beauty from Gumball Watterson! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. GOOOAL from Tony Stark! The keeper rushes out, Tony Stark sends a lob with the OUTSIDE of his boot and the ball settles delicately into the empty net. VELVET, that is BEAUTIFUL!

Gumball Watterson stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Buzz Lightyear follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Cyborg plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Little shift from Barry Allen to Buzz Lightyear, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Buzz Lightyear puts the ball right into the path of Harry Potter, played to the inch, the space is found. Harry Potter charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Harry Potter holds the attacker by the arm, ref gives the free kick without thinking twice.

It's a goal for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Buzz Lightyear with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Buzz Lightyear rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Harry Potter. The far side is completely deserted. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Cyborg stares at the carnage. Tony Stark swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. The 28-year-old Hulk reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 180, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Right then, part two. Buzz Lightyear adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Sonic the Hedgehog shifts it to Tony Stark with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Tony Stark slides a beauty through the gap, Deadpool is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Deadpool launches a rocket... but towards the stratosphere. Completely and utterly missed.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Enormous clearance from Gumball Watterson inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Change of flanks from Harry Potter, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Sonic the Hedgehog.

Corner cleared by the defence, the superhero was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Big clearance from Gumball Watterson under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

And that's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Cyborg runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Barry Allen gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Stunning tackle by Godzilla in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Authoritative clearance from Godzilla in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Great vision from Harry Potter who switches to Tony Stark. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Right-footed cross from Tony Stark, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out King Kong. Ball plucked out of the air by Cyborg, total composure.

The superhero finds Buzz Lightyear with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The photographer is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. REGAL dive from Cyborg! He takes flight and palms the strike away. The mark of an exceptional keeper. Hulk is all alone at the back post on the corner from Tony Stark, he heads it but it goes wide.

Painful afternoon. Godzilla and Deadpool walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Tony Stark swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. GOOOOOAL signed by the superhero! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Harry Potter sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Hulk pops up between two defenders. Commanding header from Hulk who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Hulk did not budge an inch. Header from the scientist, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Monster clearance from King Kong! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. The quidditch player opens up to Hulk on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Terrible lunge from Gumball Watterson! Both feet off the ground, straight into the attacker's legs. Straight red for Gumball Watterson! He's swung a fist at the opponent in a moment of pure madness. The free kick from Gumball Watterson lands right on Hulk in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Hulk wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. Cyborg in the penalty area, arms out wide, calling for the ball. Masterful aerial duel from King Kong, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. The player lays it off first time to Deadpool, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Tony Stark puts it right into the feet of Harry Potter, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Harry Potter and Godzilla find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open. King Kong slides it through for Harry Potter, but the offside flag kills the move dead. Cyborg distributes by hand to Tony Stark on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Brilliant interception from Tony Stark, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Cyborg is livid, gesturing wildly. Sonic the Hedgehog chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Now here's a proper one — Harry Potter was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' Here come the lads. Sonic the Hedgehog jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Godzilla scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Harry Potter spreads it to Buzz Lightyear, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The photographer slides a perfect cut-back for Hulk in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. Hulk misses the unmissable! Harry Potter serves him in front of a gaping goal and he fires over. That is cruel.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Shot miles off from the player, flies into the stands. In that role, these things happen, just needs to find the range next time. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Tony Stark flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Good ball from Tony Stark to Buzz Lightyear, playing it quick between the lines. Blistering run from Buzz Lightyear on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Poor cross from the photographer, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

The corner from Barry Allen is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there. The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Oh that's heartbreaking! London Three-Pints score right on the stroke of half-time.

Cyborg points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Sonic the Hedgehog comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Harry Potter plays the free kick as a cross, Barry Allen finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Superb leap from Barry Allen who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

Draw against London Three-Pints. Barry Allen kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Buzz Lightyear does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.