My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Miami Heart-Attack | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Victor Wembanyama. The man. The beast. Standing at 224 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Rowan Atkinson. An electrical engineer in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles circuit board better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Rowan Atkinson has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat power grids and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Victor Wembanyama takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
This dude putting the league on notice John Stockton muscles up a step-back three but can't get it to fall!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the left corner!
Rowan Atkinson overcommits! Going all-in like an electrical engineer on the power grids, but wrong!
Victor Wembanyama, this solid pro, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Halftime whistle. Rowan Atkinson high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote of the day: Rowan Atkinson forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Keir Starmer misses! Even a politician can't fix that shot!
John Stockton, this name that's buzzing, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Rowan Atkinson botches the handoff! Even the circuit board exchanges go smoother!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
Rowan Atkinson takes the loss hard! Hard as the power grids on a bad electrical engineer day!
Victor Wembanyama sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Rowan Atkinson winces. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
98-104 (L)
Keir Starmer fires away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this potential GOAT!
LeBron James, this global icon, fumbles the finish under the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Rowan Atkinson throws it away! A pass worse than an electrical engineer tossing the power grids!
Keir Starmer, this tweener, lets the shooter get free driving to the hoop! Costly lapse!
Victor Wembanyama, this established player, operates on the low block with a pull-up jumper! Clinic!
Cut! Halftime. Rowan Atkinson's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. I've been told Rowan Atkinson always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
LeBron James can't mask the disappointment! This generational talent wearing it on the sleeve!
John Stockton takes a tough fadeaway jumper and it doesn't go! Hot head in shot selection!
Keir Starmer, this swiss-army-knife type, exploits the mismatch driving to the hoop! Smart play!
This certified GOAT candidate Keir Starmer can't close out! The legs are shot on the low block!
Victor Wembanyama walks off in silence. This guy with a proven track record gave it all but it wasn't enough.
John Stockton's eyes are red, jaw tight. Keir Starmer apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I got a text from John Stockton after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
117-98 (W)
This all-time great LeBron James comes out aggressive! Opens with a step-back three from mid-range!
Keir Starmer scores at half court! A two-handed slam with ridiculous creativity! Brilliant!
LeBron James slides to the passing lane and steals it! Next-level basketball IQ!
LeBron James, this tower, with the pocket pass! Pure God-given talent in tight spaces!
This living legend Rowan Atkinson recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Break. Victor Wembanyama's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Confession: Victor Wembanyama believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This player making noise John Stockton erupts for a scoop layup! The floodgates are open!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, commands a sold-out gym on fire! The arena belongs to this first-ballot legend!
LeBron James drives the rock with patience! This franchise cornerstone trusting the system!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, evolves before our eyes! A signature move!
John Stockton, this swiss-army-knife type, celebrates the win! A chest bump! What a game!
Victor Wembanyama and LeBron James do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-108 (L)
Rowan Atkinson, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!
Rowan Atkinson scores the go-ahead! An electrical engineer who always finishes the job on time!
Rowan Atkinson, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over defense that's basically a suggestion!
Rowan Atkinson whiffs on the jumper! An electrical engineer off their game with the circuit board!
This absolute legend Rowan Atkinson ignites the rally! The deficit is shrinking!
End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know LeBron James entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Rowan Atkinson can't convert in the fourth quarter! This once-in-a-lifetime player shrinks in the moment!
This well-respected player John Stockton stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
John Stockton is writing the story tonight! This solid pro with a buzzer-beater under the basket!
John Stockton misses in the clutch! A deep three off the mark in the closing moments!
This generational talent LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Keir Starmer stares at the floor while LeBron James mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
98-94 (W)
Tip-off! Victor Wembanyama gets us started! Let's go!
Keir Starmer rotates beautifully! Spinning with precision worthy of their campaign podium!
Keir Starmer can't buy a bucket! Maybe the public policy would be easier to aim!
Rowan Atkinson scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of an electrical engineer!
This guy with a proven track record John Stockton uses the floater over this combo guard coverage! Smart!
Halftime. Keir Starmer throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Keir Starmer knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Phoenix No-Defense's colors. By accident, obviously. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Keir Starmer wills them to victory! The willpower of a politician who never quits the public policy!
Rowan Atkinson, this solid build, blankets the shooter in the paint! No daylight!
Deafening noise! John Stockton launches and the building shakes!
Keir Starmer scores the go-ahead! Leading from the front, true politician mentality!
LeBron James, this mammoth, takes the final bow! A team high-five! Dominant display!
Victor Wembanyama does the robot at center court while Keir Starmer pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Behind the scenes, I learned Keir Starmer was also a politician in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
112-110 (W)
Keir Starmer bounces the leather pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Rowan Atkinson plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this certified GOAT candidate!
A deep three from Rowan Atkinson sails wide! This basketball god needs to regroup!
John Stockton, this seasoned vet, exploits the mismatch for a buzzer-beater! Too easy!
John Stockton spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Halftime! John Stockton walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Little scoop: John Stockton logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Keir Starmer controls the pace! Tempo control from a natural-born politician!
John Stockton, this hooper's hooper, clamps down on the star player! Pure God-given talent on the assignment!
The announcer calls Keir Starmer 'The politician!' the floor roars its approval!
Keir Starmer nails a deep three with the shot clock winding down! Clutch!
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
LeBron James gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Keir Starmer gives his shoes. Victor Wembanyama gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-109 (L)
Victor Wembanyama looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
John Stockton, this tweener, gets the look but can't convert facing the rim!
John Stockton throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure from mid-range!
LeBron James turns the head and loses the man! This absolute legend napping defensively!
John Stockton goes to work to the rack for a pull-up jumper! Can't contain this smooth operator!
Back in the locker room, Rowan Atkinson sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know Rowan Atkinson plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Rowan Atkinson glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this electrical engineer!
Rowan Atkinson spins the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this global icon!
LeBron James spins with purpose every possession! This household name chess master!
This next-level player John Stockton signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Limited stamina!
Victor Wembanyama lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This hooper's hooper will learn from this.
Victor Wembanyama looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. LeBron James looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-111 (L)
Victor Wembanyama pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This league veteran locked in!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates under the basket!
Victor Wembanyama tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Hot head in the decision-making!
Keir Starmer gets blown by! Even a politician couldn't stop that!
Rowan Atkinson drains a hook shot off the pick and roll! Textbook silky smooth technique!
Halftime whistle. Rowan Atkinson flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Rowan Atkinson failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This player making noise John Stockton can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Victor Wembanyama fires away but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
LeBron James, this beanpole, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Victor Wembanyama, this solid pro, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Keir Starmer fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the politician gave everything!
Keir Starmer refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Victor Wembanyama watches it and immediately regrets it. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-111 (L)
John Stockton, this combo guard, takes the court! The Finals-like atmosphere is electric!
A step-back three from Rowan Atkinson hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
John Stockton charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Rowan Atkinson gets screened out! Stuck behind the circuit board like it's a wall!
Rowan Atkinson crosses over at the buzzer with the same confidence they bring to engineering the power grids.
Back in the locker room, Rowan Atkinson sits down and stares at the ceiling. Locker room anecdote: Rowan Atkinson talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
John Stockton mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Victor Wembanyama fires away the ball right into the defender's hands! Injury-prone body!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James sets the back screen! Freakish explosiveness off-ball contribution!
Keir Starmer is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the politician is spent!
This dude putting the league on notice Victor Wembanyama leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Rowan Atkinson sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Victor Wembanyama has his head in his hands. I got a text from Rowan Atkinson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-103 (L)
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
Rowan Atkinson fires and misses facing the rim. Should have stuck with the power grids!
This player making noise John Stockton dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Rowan Atkinson loses their assignment! Like losing the circuit board in the workshop!
Victor Wembanyama, this mammoth, glides facing the rim for a silky catch-and-shoot triple!
End of the first act. Keir Starmer is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: Keir Starmer threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Victor Wembanyama crosses over away from the huddle! This up-and-coming baller in a dark place mentally!
LeBron James with a wild attempt! This basketball god not finding the range tonight!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Keir Starmer needs oxygen! More winded than a politician after overtime!
Rowan Atkinson tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we engineers better, like the power grids!'
Victor Wembanyama looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Keir Starmer looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
116-99 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this walking skyscraper, is introduced and the arena explodes! This player making noise is in the building!
Keir Starmer buries a fadeaway jumper driving to the hoop! This all-time great is on fire tonight!
John Stockton rejects the layup! A flawless defensive rotation by this versatile guy! Get that out!
Victor Wembanyama, this colossus, finds the trailer! A scoop layup off the assist, easy money!
Victor Wembanyama shoots the ball out of the trap! Unreal swagger under pressure!
Break! Keir Starmer rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: Keir Starmer slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Keir Starmer goes baseline and scores! The public policy prepared them for this moment!
John Stockton, this respected competitor, waves the crowd up! An electric crowd rising!
Victor Wembanyama launches the outlet to the young player! This player making noise building the future!
Rowan Atkinson's teammates feed off the electrical engineer energy! That confidence is contagious!
Keir Starmer wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their campaign podium and the ball!
John Stockton and Keir Starmer act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
93-122 (L)
Victor Wembanyama opens with a catch-and-shoot triple! This guy with a proven track record making an early statement!
John Stockton with the off-balance layup! This respected competitor couldn't set the feet!
This name that's buzzing Victor Wembanyama forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Victor Wembanyama, this walking skyscraper, can't keep up with the speed! Lack of consistency exposed!
Rowan Atkinson sinks it from the right corner. An electrical engineer never misses the power grids, and never misses the hoop!
Halftime whistle! Keir Starmer slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know? Keir Starmer launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Victor Wembanyama, this long boy, waves off the play call! Lack of consistency hurting the team!
Keir Starmer can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this basketball god!
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama with the savvy veteran play! Night-in night-out consistency experience showing!
Victor Wembanyama spins but the legs won't cooperate! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Victor Wembanyama reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Rowan Atkinson is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Victor Wembanyama waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
83-122 (L)
Victor Wembanyama, this towering presence, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Rowan Atkinson misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
John Stockton attacks the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this up-and-coming baller!
Victor Wembanyama, this tree of a man, fouls unnecessarily facing the rim! Tendency to force bad shots!
Victor Wembanyama steps back and kicks the stanchion! This well-respected player losing composure!
End of the first act. Keir Starmer is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Locker room intel: Keir Starmer has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Victor Wembanyama, this tower, wastes a golden chance with a wild bucket!
This potential GOAT LeBron James stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James with turnover number lengths ahead! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Victor Wembanyama gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
This franchise cornerstone Keir Starmer congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this franchise cornerstone.
John Stockton mutters while walking out. LeBron James watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-125 (L)
This player on the come-up John Stockton in the starting lineup! Let's see what this player on the come-up brings!
LeBron James misses the open look! This first-ballot legend can't believe it! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Rowan Atkinson throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the electrical engineer got too confident!
LeBron James bites on the pump fake! This global icon sent flying at the top of the key!
Rowan Atkinson drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an electrical engineer's spirit has limits!
End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little scoop: LeBron James tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Keir Starmer clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their campaign podium hitting the public policy!
John Stockton is visibly tired! This dude putting the league on notice needs a timeout badly!
This household name Keir Starmer commits the 5-second violation! Clock management ego the size of Texas!
John Stockton pulls up the towel! This respected competitor showing injury-prone body!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
John Stockton's eyes are red, jaw tight. Rowan Atkinson apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce John Stockton's name. Forgive me. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
92-105 (L)
Keir Starmer huddles with the team! Huddling up, the politician strategizes!
This established player Victor Wembanyama shanks a scoop layup from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
Keir Starmer, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James commits the and-one foul! Limited stamina in positioning!
LeBron James attacks the basketball with iron discipline. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
The players leave the court. LeBron James clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: LeBron James lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
John Stockton, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
An and-one from Rowan Atkinson goes in and out! Heartbreaking under the basket!
This league veteran Victor Wembanyama runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Keir Starmer, this all-time great, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Rowan Atkinson refuses to make excuses! An electrical engineer owns the power grids failures too!
Rowan Atkinson pulls his cap down over his eyes. Victor Wembanyama doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
My Team finishes #14 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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