My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. LeBron James. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 206 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jesus Christ. A messiah. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a messiah, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jesus Christ has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Mid-pack budget. The team of guys who punch the clock, don't complain, cash a decent paycheck, and go home without making headlines. It's not sexy, but it works. The GM is a damn wizard at finding role players at 3 million who play like they're worth 15, and the coach squeezes every drop out of this roster. The problem? One major injury and the whole house of cards collapses.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-131 (L)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
LeBron James, this all-time great, with the shot-clock heave! No good in the paint!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
Hulk gets posted up and scored on! This global icon overpowered!
Jesus Christ mouths off during crunch time! A messiah venting about the game!
The locker room. Barry Allen sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? Barry Allen once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
That one wasn't even close, Jesus Christ! Stick to competing the game!
This dark horse Shintaro Midorima has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
LeBron James rises up away from the huddle! This potential GOAT in a dark place mentally!
Hulk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a scientist!
LeBron James rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Shintaro Midorima picks up his own and folds it carefully. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
79-118 (L)
Barry Allen gets the starting nod! A superhero starting with their bare hands confidence!
Jesus Christ short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
This global icon Hulk dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jesus Christ gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Hulk stares in disbelief! The look of a scientist who just lost everything!
Back to the locker room. Jesus Christ punches his locker. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Shintaro Midorima, this swiss-army-knife type, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Ego the size of Texas!
This rising star Shintaro Midorima calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Ego the size of Texas taking its toll!
Barry Allen with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
This hooper's hooper Barry Allen shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Jesus Christ stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Hulk comes back to get him. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
103-120 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James opens the scoring! A thunderous slam! Early advantage!
Shintaro Midorima, this combo guard, bobbles the pill and the chance evaporates on the low block!
Jesus Christ throws it into the stands! What was that from this household name!
LeBron James, this giant, gets dunked on at the buzzer! Poster material!
Hulk buries an off-balance shot driving to the hoop! This guy with rings on every finger is on fire tonight!
End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. I've been told LeBron James always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Jesus Christ mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Barry Allen, this solid build, gets the look but can't convert from downtown!
Hulk dribbles the ball out of the trap! A gym-rat work ethic under pressure!
Barry Allen takes the rest play! Even a superhero needs a breather!
Barry Allen absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a superhero knows tough days!
Barry Allen's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Jesus Christ breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
92-127 (L)
Hulk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the scientist strategizes!
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! A thunderous slam off target in the paint!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk with turnover number lengths ahead! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Barry Allen caught flat-footed! Standing still, the superhero reflexes took a nap!
Jesus Christ can't mask the disappointment! This household name wearing it on the sleeve!
End of the second quarter. Hulk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know Hulk keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
LeBron James, this long boy, can't finish from downtown! That one stings!
LeBron James, this titan, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Barry Allen, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Lack of consistency when protecting the Spalding!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
This player nobody saw coming Shintaro Midorima tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
LeBron James collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-112 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Shintaro Midorima in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy nobody was talking about brings!
Shintaro Midorima forces a bad alley-oop! This diamond in the rough needs to trust teammates!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! A messiah going backwards with the game!
Hulk can't stay in front! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't build lateral quickness!
LeBron James spins the orange into a finger roll! That dawg mentality shining through!
The players disappear. Barry Allen has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Confession: Barry Allen tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Barry Allen gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
LeBron James lets fly the rock but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James adjusts the angle mid-drive! Nerves of steel body control!
Barry Allen leans on their knees! Gassed, but the superhero keeps going!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
LeBron James pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Barry Allen takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Did you know that Barry Allen practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-118 (L)
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ comes out aggressive! Opens with a two-handed slam along the baseline!
Shintaro Midorima clanks another one off the rim! This rising star needs to find rhythm!
Shintaro Midorima with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Hulk gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the hidden truth on a rough day!
Hulk attacks at the top of the key and finishes with a fadeaway jumper! Too good!
First half is done. Hulk is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Hulk fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
This basketball god Hulk with a rare miss on the low block! Even the best stumble!
This name that's buzzing Barry Allen attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Hulk can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of discoverring the hidden truth!
Barry Allen sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a superhero after their bare hands broke!
Jesus Christ turns back to look at the court one last time. Hulk doesn't turn around. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-123 (L)
LeBron James looks dialed in from the start! Insane court vision preparation showing!
Shintaro Midorima dunks but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
LeBron James dishes the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this household name!
Hulk gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Barry Allen, this all-around player, elevates for a monster half-court heave!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. Did you know? LeBron James once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
LeBron James glares at the scoreboard! This potential GOAT not happy with the situation!
Barry Allen, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild floater!
Shintaro Midorima, this dude out of nowhere, manipulates the defense with the eyes! That dawg mentality!
Hulk is gassed! More tired than after a full day of discoverring the hidden truth!
LeBron James dishes past the media. This potential GOAT not in the mood to talk.
LeBron James taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Shintaro Midorima walks through the door without pushing it. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-124 (L)
Barry Allen opens with a hook shot! This player on the come-up making an early statement!
Hulk penetrates and fires but misses everything! Limited stamina tonight!
This diamond in the rough Shintaro Midorima gets pickpocketed under the basket! Sloppy handling!
Jesus Christ fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a messiah chasing the game!
Jesus Christ goes coast to coast for a scoop layup! This global icon is relentless!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James flops into the first available chair. Did you know LeBron James knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Minnesota Ice-Wall's colors. By accident, obviously. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Hulk shakes their head! A scientist who can't believe that just happened!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Barry Allen uses a relentless run and gun brilliantly! Strategy from competing the game!
Jesus Christ is cramping up! This household name trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
This all-time great LeBron James stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this all-time great wanted.
Hulk claps his hands in frustration. LeBron James clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-129 (L)
Hulk locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a scientist who means business!
Shintaro Midorima fires a bucket at the top of the key but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Sloppy handling by Barry Allen! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Hulk gets posterized! A scientist framed by their lab notebook in the worst way!
Barry Allen throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
End of the second quarter. Jesus Christ is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little scoop: Jesus Christ tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Hulk can't connect! Their lab notebook in hand, sure. The damn ball through the hoop, nope!
Barry Allen launches but can't sustain the effort! Injury-prone body emptying the tank!
This first-ballot legend Hulk with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Hulk vents at their teammates! The scientist who vents about the hidden truth!
LeBron James goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This living legend will learn from this.
LeBron James's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Shintaro Midorima breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I got a text from LeBron James after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
91-133 (L)
This living legend LeBron James comes out firing! A pull-up jumper in the first minute!
Jesus Christ throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
This legit talent Barry Allen commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
LeBron James, this long boy, lets the shooter get free from mid-range! Costly lapse!
Shintaro Midorima, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Into the tunnel. LeBron James grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Little secret: LeBron James listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Barry Allen with the off-balance bank shot! This solid pro couldn't set the feet!
Jesus Christ cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the Wilson double duty!
LeBron James goes to work carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This household name Hulk stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jesus Christ leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Hulk avoids the cameras like the plague. Jesus Christ gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-125 (L)
This absolute legend Hulk gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Shintaro Midorima pulls up the orange right into the defender's hands! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Barry Allen with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost superhero!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over limited stamina!
Barry Allen, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
Break! Shintaro Midorima rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Shintaro Midorima has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Hulk misses! Even a scientist can't fix that shot!
Jesus Christ wipes sweat with the tall socks! Drenched, the messiah has been putting in work!
LeBron James with the backcourt violation! This first-ballot legend under too much pressure!
This raw talent Shintaro Midorima throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Hulk stares at the floor while LeBron James mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-127 (L)
This potential breakout star Shintaro Midorima means business! Fast start at half court!
Jesus Christ can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Barry Allen tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Sometimes predictable game in the decision-making!
Barry Allen lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this legit talent fooled!
Hulk glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this scientist!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. True story: LeBron James had his parking spot stolen by Cleveland Twin-Towers's mascot. Still talks about it. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
LeBron James, this long boy, can't get a buzzer beater to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
LeBron James is running on pure willpower! This potential GOAT refusing to quit!
Jesus Christ loses possession! The game never leaves a messiah's hands like that!
This diamond in the rough Shintaro Midorima can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jesus Christ consoles teammates! The heart of a messiah in that moment!
Barry Allen sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-120 (L)
LeBron James, this mammoth, is introduced and the arena explodes! This household name is in the building!
Hulk can't score in the first half! This scientist is way off tonight!
Shintaro Midorima loses the leather in traffic! This diamond in the rough can't afford that!
Hulk, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily at the buzzer! Lack of consistency!
Shintaro Midorima, this hungry young player, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
Back to the locker room. Barry Allen punches his locker. Exclusive info: Barry Allen is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Shintaro Midorima drives the leather into the front rim! That's frustrating for this hungry young player!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
Barry Allen double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Shintaro Midorima storms to the bench! This hungry young player is visibly upset!
Barry Allen gave it everything! Everything a superhero has, left on the court!
Barry Allen slams his fist on the bench. Shintaro Midorima places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-121 (L)
Shintaro Midorima dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this dark horse!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Injury-prone body!
Hulk throws it out of bounds! Like launching their lab notebook into the void!
Jesus Christ loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Barry Allen converts with authority! Same energy they bring to competing the game!
Break! LeBron James has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Small detail: LeBron James wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This all-time great Jesus Christ gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
LeBron James, this giant, gets the look off the pick and roll but the lid's on the rim!
LeBron James identifies the soft spot in the zone! This hall-of-fame lock surgical precision!
LeBron James is gassed! This all-time great bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Jesus Christ walks toward the tunnel without a word. Hulk stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
And we're underway! LeBron James touches the rock first! This global icon looks eager!
This guy nobody was talking about Shintaro Midorima shanks an off-balance shot under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
This household name LeBron James forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Hulk gets blown by! Even a scientist couldn't stop that!
Jesus Christ, this once-in-a-lifetime player, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
Break. Shintaro Midorima collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Little secret: Shintaro Midorima listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
A buzzer-beater from Shintaro Midorima sails wide! This hidden prospect needs to regroup!
Hulk is spent! Used up like the hidden truth after a scientist's long day!
Shintaro Midorima pulls up into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
Shintaro Midorima, this potential breakout star, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite nerves of steel effort.
Shintaro Midorima replays the score in his head on a loop. Barry Allen tries to think about something else. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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