My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! João Pedro's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Kaoru Mitoma! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

João Pedro climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Kaoru Mitoma films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Pedro Porrero intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Pascal Groß put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Luka Vušković jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Bart Verbruggen parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Luka Vušković launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

William Saliba throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from William Saliba to Pascal Groß, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Pascal Groß sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Pascal Groß fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Diego Gómez throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Diego Gómez, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Bart Verbruggen sparks the transition with a quick throw to Pascal Groß, the break is lightning fast. Pascal Groß launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Pascal Groß was flying. Lightning overlap from Pascal Groß, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Pascal Groß, Kaoru Mitoma receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Bart Verbruggen palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Bart Verbruggen has covered seven kilometres already." Diego Gómez shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Bart Verbruggen fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Bart Verbruggen is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 193, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Bart Verbruggen comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Georginio Rutter goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Bart Verbruggen parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Pedro Porrero clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Ferdi Kadıoğlu to João Pedro, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Bart Verbruggen getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Luka Vušković wins his duel in the air and heads it down for William Saliba. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Luka Vušković links up with Georginio Rutter, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Diego Gómez is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Ferdi Kadıoğlu clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Luka Vušković! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Pascal Groß curls a cross to the near post, Ferdi Kadıoğlu is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Bart Verbruggen slides on his knees across the wet turf, William Saliba piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Diego Gómez winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Diego Gómez does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Kaoru Mitoma launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Bart Verbruggen arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Pascal Groß sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Pascal Groß dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Ferdi Kadıoğlu arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Ferdi Kadıoğlu places his header from the cross by João Pedro, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Pedro Porrero sends an aerial beauty to Kaoru Mitoma, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Georginio Rutter, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Kaoru Mitoma is there to gobble it up. Kaoru Mitoma drifts just offside as Georginio Rutter plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Luka Vušković to Pedro Porrero, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Diego Gómez threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Kaoru Mitoma bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Kaoru Mitoma! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Kaoru Mitoma takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells William Saliba, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, William Saliba adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 25, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Georginio Rutter jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Ferdi Kadıoğlu, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from João Palhinha to Ferdi Kadıoğlu, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, Kaoru Mitoma receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Kaoru Mitoma! The goal was empty, Luka Vušković puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Luka Vušković slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Luka Vušković slides a beauty through the gap, Kaoru Mitoma is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Kaoru Mitoma goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Bart Verbruggen runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Pedro Porrero joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Luka Vušković puts Kaoru Mitoma into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Kaoru Mitoma wants to find Diego Gómez between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Pascal Groß to Kaoru Mitoma, they bypass the wall with the combination. Kaoru Mitoma shifts it to Georginio Rutter with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Ferdi Kadıoğlu exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Bart Verbruggen just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Bart Verbruggen legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Pascal Groß tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Pascal Groß presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Pascal Groß, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Pascal Groß! On the inswinging cross from Kaoru Mitoma, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Pascal Groß right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Luka Vušković tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Bart Verbruggen has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Ferdi Kadıoğlu! It fizzes between the lines and William Saliba collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! William Saliba sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Ferdi Kadıoğlu rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Luka Vušković jumps on his back, Bart Verbruggen is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Bart Verbruggen points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Luka Vušković comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! João Pedro places it inside the post from the cross by Pascal Groß, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

João Pedro mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Diego Gómez plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Bart Verbruggen plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Diego Gómez is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" João Pedro adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Ferdi Kadıoğlu sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 27, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Diego Gómez high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Pascal Groß, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Kaoru Mitoma. Kaoru Mitoma crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Pedro Porrero in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Pascal Groß, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Pascal Groß pretends to strike and lays it off to Kaoru Mitoma, well worked short free kick. Kaoru Mitoma takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Kaoru Mitoma! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Pedro Porrero on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Pedro Porrero picks out William Saliba with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. William Saliba eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. William Saliba pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. William Saliba finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from William Saliba, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. William Saliba opens up to Ferdi Kadıoğlu on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Ferdi Kadıoğlu there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Georginio Rutter, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Bart Verbruggen grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Ferdi Kadıoğlu is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Pedro Porrero and João Pedro, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. João Pedro spots the gap and sends Pascal Groß into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Pascal Groß sets it for Pedro Porrero, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Pedro Porrero slips William Saliba in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu lights the fuse with a cutting pass for William Saliba down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! William Saliba was beyond the last man when Pedro Porrero released the pass. Georginio Rutter scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Diego Gómez grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Kaoru Mitoma pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Bart Verbruggen to Pedro Porrero, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Pedro Porrero to the near post and wins the header. Pedro Porrero was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Luka Vušković! Sumptuous header on the cross from João Pedro, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Bart Verbruggen stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. William Saliba comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Kaoru Mitoma reads the movement from Pascal Groß and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Pascal Groß! On the gift from João Pedro, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Kaoru Mitoma stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Ferdi Kadıoğlu follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Bart Verbruggen plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Pascal Groß shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Kaoru Mitoma. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Kaoru Mitoma looks for Pedro Porrero but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. João Palhinha hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. João Palhinha loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Kaoru Mitoma is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Georginio Rutter and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Bart Verbruggen owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 193, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Ferdi Kadıoğlu leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

João Palhinha launches it to Pascal Groß on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Pedro Porrero! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Kaoru Mitoma is away on his own. That is velvet. Kaoru Mitoma bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Georginio Rutter triggers a change of flanks for Kaoru Mitoma, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Kaoru Mitoma, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Georginio Rutter, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Diego Gómez played as a cross, Pascal Groß positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Pascal Groß, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Bart Verbruggen! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: João Pedro to João Palhinha, the ball barely touches the grass between them. João Palhinha spreads the play and finds Diego Gómez in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Diego Gómez plays it simple to Kaoru Mitoma, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Kaoru Mitoma puts it right into the feet of João Pedro, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Diego Gómez spreads it to William Saliba, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. William Saliba tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from William Saliba, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Bart Verbruggen launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Pedro Porrero after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Pedro Porrero to João Pedro, faster than the opposition can think. João Pedro gifts Ferdi Kadıoğlu a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Pedro Porrero and Diego Gómez do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Pedro Porrero turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from João Pedro, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for João Pedro! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! João Pedro sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

João Pedro legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Georginio Rutter tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Kaoru Mitoma finds the gap and serves Georginio Rutter in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Georginio Rutter, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Pascal Groß does not fancy the shot and goes short to Pedro Porrero, trying to disorganise the defence. Pedro Porrero beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Pedro Porrero rolls it to João Pedro, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between João Pedro and João Palhinha blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Bart Verbruggen eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Kaoru Mitoma pulls Bart Verbruggen away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Diego Gómez takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Diego Gómez over the entire defence, Ferdi Kadıoğlu finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Bart Verbruggen! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Bart Verbruggen to Pedro Porrero, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. William Saliba wants to push higher. João Pedro reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. João Pedro, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — William Saliba, standing at 192, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Diego Gómez is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Diego Gómez delivers a tidy ball to Georginio Rutter, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Georginio Rutter that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. William Saliba sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Luka Vušković absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from João Pedro into William Saliba, right into the boots. No waste. William Saliba turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Luka Vušković. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Luka Vušković! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Pascal Groß is beside himself. Tidy restart from Bart Verbruggen along the deck to William Saliba, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. William Saliba shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Kaoru Mitoma chips his cross over the back line, Pedro Porrero is at the far post, free as a bird. Pedro Porrero goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Georginio Rutter finds Pedro Porrero between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Pedro Porrero switches the play to William Saliba on the far side, superb crossfield ball! William Saliba dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. William Saliba goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Kaoru Mitoma, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Kaoru Mitoma shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Kaoru Mitoma... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Bart Verbruggen eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Kaoru Mitoma pulls Bart Verbruggen away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Ferdi Kadıoğlu. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from João Pedro! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. João Pedro takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Georginio Rutter follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

João Pedro plays the simple ball to Luka Vušković, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Luka Vušković pulls it back along the ground for João Pedro, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for João Pedro! On the genius pass from Diego Gómez, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

João Pedro climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Georginio Rutter films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Pascal Groß followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Pascal Groß treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Pascal Groß stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Diego Gómez comes over and hugs him without a word.

Diego Gómez delivers an inswinging free kick, João Pedro at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from João Pedro, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Kaoru Mitoma hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! William Saliba wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Ferdi Kadıoğlu! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Ferdi Kadıoğlu to Pascal Groß, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Pascal Groß, Diego Gómez had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Georginio Rutter gives it to João Palhinha into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for João Palhinha, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Bart Verbruggen winces. Pedro Porrero looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Pascal Groß once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 35-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Diego Gómez sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Luka Vušković produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Pascal Groß powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Pascal Groß floats a cross in from the wing for Pedro Porrero, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

João Palhinha changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Ferdi Kadıoğlu. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Ferdi Kadıoğlu who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Diego Gómez picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Diego Gómez delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Kaoru Mitoma hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Bart Verbruggen throws it out quickly to João Pedro, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from João Pedro to Pascal Groß, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Pascal Groß who crosses to the near post for Ferdi Kadıoğlu. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Bart Verbruggen runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Georginio Rutter joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Kaoru Mitoma is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Luka Vušković heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Luka Vušković looks up and launches a long pass towards William Saliba. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from William Saliba to Kaoru Mitoma, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Kaoru Mitoma, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. João Pedro and Kaoru Mitoma are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says João Pedro. "Next time," replies Kaoru Mitoma. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

João Pedro tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. João Pedro follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Pascal Groß! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

João Pedro fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. João Palhinha plays the medic running in. Bart Verbruggen plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, threading it through for Pascal Groß, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Pascal Groß! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Luka Vušković with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Luka Vušković, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Luka Vušković! On the pass from Pascal Groß, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Luka Vušković spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Georginio Rutter gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Diego Gómez into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Pedro Porrero, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Georginio Rutter drops a lofted ball to Pascal Groß, it sails over the entire midfield line. Pascal Groß lofts a cross into the box, Georginio Rutter is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Georginio Rutter rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls João Palhinha aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 31 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." João Palhinha just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that João Pedro, standing 182, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. João Palhinha sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Bart Verbruggen fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Georginio Rutter plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Ferdi Kadıoğlu commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Ferdi Kadıoğlu picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Ferdi Kadıoğlu tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Kaoru Mitoma comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Ferdi Kadıoğlu in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Pascal Groß puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Pascal Groß reaches the byline and cuts it back for Georginio Rutter arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Bart Verbruggen dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Ferdi Kadıoğlu! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, the ball skims the grass and finds Pedro Porrero who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Pedro Porrero rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Bart Verbruggen distributes short to Kaoru Mitoma, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Kaoru Mitoma to Ferdi Kadıoğlu, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Ferdi Kadıoğlu drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Diego Gómez is a dangerous one, João Pedro meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. João Pedro loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Bart Verbruggen! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Bart Verbruggen walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Ferdi Kadıoğlu follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Pedro Porrero rips through the defensive curtain, Ferdi Kadıoğlu is flying into the space like an arrow. Ferdi Kadıoğlu looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Pedro Porrero mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Diego Gómez raises Pedro Porrero's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Bart Verbruggen plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Pedro Porrero clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Kaoru Mitoma, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from João Palhinha on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. João Palhinha dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. João Palhinha booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. João Palhinha plays a low free kick into the box, Kaoru Mitoma cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Bart Verbruggen hoofs it forward towards Georginio Rutter, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Georginio Rutter, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Luka Vušković brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Luka Vušković, he puts it on the far post for Pedro Porrero. Pedro Porrero tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Bart Verbruggen is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Luka Vušković! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Luka Vušković slides it to Pedro Porrero, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Kaoru Mitoma is biting {his} nails in the corner. Bart Verbruggen stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Pedro Porrero once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 27-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. João Pedro leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

William Saliba lays it off first time to Kaoru Mitoma, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Kaoru Mitoma keeps it short to Pascal Groß, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pascal Groß takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Pascal Groß tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after João Palhinha's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! William Saliba boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

William Saliba launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from William Saliba, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Georginio Rutter tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Luka Vušković sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Diego Gómez bounces off William Saliba, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Diego Gómez and the entire defence is eliminated, Kaoru Mitoma is through on goal. The space is enormous. Kaoru Mitoma is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Ferdi Kadıoğlu is shaking his head. Short distribution from Bart Verbruggen to Diego Gómez, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Diego Gómez, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Ferdi Kadıoğlu to Georginio Rutter, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Georginio Rutter looks for João Pedro with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Georginio Rutter kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. William Saliba does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Bart Verbruggen kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Kaoru Mitoma takes a knee behind him. Bart Verbruggen raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Ferdi Kadıoğlu and João Pedro, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Ferdi Kadıoğlu! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Ferdi Kadıoğlu legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. João Pedro tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Pedro Porrero and João Palhinha, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from João Palhinha, Pascal Groß arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Pascal Groß winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Pedro Porrero strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Georginio Rutter points at it, jaw on the floor. Bart Verbruggen shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from João Pedro, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by João Pedro, finding João Palhinha in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from João Palhinha to Kaoru Mitoma, the ball drifts into the free zone and Kaoru Mitoma is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Ferdi Kadıoğlu, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Ferdi Kadıoğlu takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — João Palhinha got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 31 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. William Saliba is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Pascal Groß down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Pascal Groß looks up and swings in a floated cross, Georginio Rutter rises among the defenders. Cross from Georginio Rutter far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Kaoru Mitoma on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Kaoru Mitoma for Luka Vušković in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Luka Vušković unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Pascal Groß! The ball slices through the centre-halves and João Pedro picks it up at full pace. Devastating. João Pedro thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Luka Vušković's pass. Bart Verbruggen goes long for William Saliba, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. William Saliba sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from João Palhinha is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Georginio Rutter to Luka Vušković, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Luka Vušković with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Luka Vušković fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Georginio Rutter, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. João Pedro is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. João Pedro is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Ferdi Kadıoğlu's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Ferdi Kadıoğlu feeds William Saliba in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from João Palhinha, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. João Palhinha shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Bart Verbruggen distributes by hand to Georginio Rutter on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Georginio Rutter wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Kaoru Mitoma pings a long diagonal to William Saliba, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from William Saliba! Pedro Porrero picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Pedro Porrero takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Pedro Porrero, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Kaoru Mitoma.

Points shared. Diego Gómez sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Pascal Groß crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Pedro Porrero! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Kaoru Mitoma onto the pass from Georginio Rutter produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Pedro Porrero runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Diego Gómez gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Diego Gómez, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Georginio Rutter turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Bart Verbruggen, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Georginio Rutter. Aerial duel lost by Georginio Rutter, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Bart Verbruggen stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from João Palhinha, header from Georginio Rutter at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Kaoru Mitoma pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Kaoru Mitoma launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Pascal Groß's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from João Pedro who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Bart Verbruggen is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Ferdi Kadıoğlu, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — João Palhinha once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 31 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. João Pedro wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Pedro Porrero! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Pedro Porrero, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Ferdi Kadıoğlu there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. João Pedro tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

João Palhinha gives it to Diego Gómez who returns it first time, João Palhinha ghosts past his man like he does not exist. João Palhinha accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by João Palhinha in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. João Palhinha combines with Pascal Groß from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Bart Verbruggen and Luka Vušković do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Bart Verbruggen arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

João Palhinha plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for João Palhinha. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by João Palhinha, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Diego Gómez is lurking. Aerial duel won by Diego Gómez in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Bart Verbruggen rolls it short to João Palhinha into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, João Palhinha finds João Pedro on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. João Pedro delivers a tidy ball to Georginio Rutter, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! João Palhinha walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Luka Vušković carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Powerful run from Georginio Rutter, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. PENALTY! Georginio Rutter is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! GOOOAL! Georginio Rutter produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Georginio Rutter points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Bart Verbruggen comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu plays it in, Kaoru Mitoma lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Ferdi Kadıoğlu is off again. Magnificent. Perfect low cut-back from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, the ball slides across the box and Pedro Porrero just has to finish. WHAT A STOP from Bart Verbruggen! The attacker did everything right but the keeper pulled off the impossible. Bart Verbruggen opts for the short option to Pascal Groß, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Pascal Groß floats a ball towards João Palhinha but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu links up with Pascal Groß, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Pascal Groß steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. The ref shows Pascal Groß yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue. Pascal Groß has a go from the free kick but the wall repels it. That's that. Panicked clearance from João Pedro, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

The press from Georginio Rutter pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Georginio Rutter pounces. A forced gift. Telepathic pass from Georginio Rutter to Pedro Porrero, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Wasteful from Pedro Porrero on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Luka Vušković throws his arms up in frustration. Huge interception from Diego Gómez! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Diego Gómez boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

William Saliba goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. William Saliba goes crossfield to João Palhinha, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Kaoru Mitoma stares at the floor. Ferdi Kadıoğlu cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Teammates were gobsmacked when João Palhinha revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 31, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Pedro Porrero leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

It's there! Istanbul Cehennem FK hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Raw emotion: Bart Verbruggen cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Pedro Porrero crouches beside him and speaks softly. Bart Verbruggen jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Pascal Groß unleashes a raking ball out to William Saliba, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. William Saliba weights his pass into the space for João Palhinha who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. João Palhinha is caught offside from João Pedro's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Bart Verbruggen plays it short to João Palhinha, building out from the back. Calculated risk. João Palhinha gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Bart Verbruggen closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Long ball from Bart Verbruggen for João Pedro who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

The free kick from Kaoru Mitoma clears the defence and finds Georginio Rutter in the danger area. Georginio Rutter tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Bart Verbruggen runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. João Palhinha gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Short build-up from Georginio Rutter to Diego Gómez, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Diego Gómez plays off João Palhinha, the return arrives right down the middle and Diego Gómez is free as a bird. Offside against Diego Gómez. Georginio Rutter spotted the run but the timing was just off. Bart Verbruggen takes his time and plays it short to Pascal Groß. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. What positioning from Pascal Groß! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Long kick from Bart Verbruggen, William Saliba positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Brilliant switch of play from William Saliba! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Luka Vušković. Luka Vušković releases Ferdi Kadıoğlu with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Ferdi Kadıoğlu plays it back across the box for Pascal Groß, the low cross is inch-perfect. Pascal Groß puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Bart Verbruggen stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Ferdi Kadıoğlu walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Istanbul Cehennem FK are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Burst of pace from Diego Gómez on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Diego Gómez pulls it back to the penalty spot for Kaoru Mitoma, the defence is caught napping. Kaoru Mitoma touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Diego Gómez scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. João Palhinha is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Diego Gómez powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. PENALTY awarded! Diego Gómez enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOOL from Diego Gómez! Penalty struck with cannonball power, the keeper is frozen. GOAL!

Diego Gómez mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Georginio Rutter plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Bart Verbruggen plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Massive punt from Bart Verbruggen, sends the ball sixty yards, Georginio Rutter is scrapping for it up top. Georginio Rutter rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to William Saliba. The far side is completely deserted. William Saliba rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Kaoru Mitoma's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Big clearance from Pedro Porrero under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Georginio Rutter stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Kaoru Mitoma bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A scouting report from Luka Vušković's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 19 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Out they come. Georginio Rutter has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Pascal Groß to João Pedro, instant return, and Pascal Groß is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Pascal Groß picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Failed dribble from Pascal Groß, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. What a tackle by Kaoru Mitoma! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Instinctive clearance from Kaoru Mitoma who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

João Pedro skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. VAR would have a field day with that. João Pedro clearly dives, no contact whatsoever. Booking for João Pedro, cheats never prosper and the ref has made that crystal clear. The wall repels João Pedro's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. João Pedro puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

Individual run from João Pedro, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. João Pedro tries a nutmeg but the defender closes his legs. It has not worked, the ball is gone. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Ferdi Kadıoğlu boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

That's a beauty from Pedro Porrero! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Surging run from Pedro Porrero from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Pedro Porrero tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Interception from Pascal Groß who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Pascal Groß.

That's what it MEANS! William Saliba rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Bart Verbruggen catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

What a disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Diego Gómez does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Diego Gómez embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. The LOB! The LOOOB! Diego Gómez chips the ball and lobs the keeper with a DIVINE touch! The ball makes a perfect arc and settles into the goal. SUMPTUOUS!

Solidarity move: Diego Gómez grabs Kaoru Mitoma who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Kaoru Mitoma a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Luka Vušković thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Bart Verbruggen plays it along the ground to Ferdi Kadıoğlu, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Ferdi Kadıoğlu takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Burst of speed from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

What a mess after Diego Gómez's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Lifesaving clearance from João Pedro! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

João Pedro swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Georginio Rutter, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Georginio Rutter burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Silly ball loss from Georginio Rutter, the dribble was one too many in that area. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, João Pedro, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." João Pedro takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Unconfirmed reports suggest William Saliba received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 25-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Bart Verbruggen is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

High recovery from Pascal Groß, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Pascal Groß bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. CRAAACKER from Pascal Groß outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Bart Verbruggen lumps it long towards Luka Vušković, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

João Palhinha nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Pascal Groß overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Killer ball from William Saliba through the gap! Diego Gómez bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Diego Gómez picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Bart Verbruggen boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for João Palhinha! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. João Palhinha slips Diego Gómez in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Diego Gómez gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Diego Gómez has it running through his veins.

Bart Verbruggen fires it out quickly by hand to Ferdi Kadıoğlu, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Incredible burst of pace from Ferdi Kadıoğlu, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Great vision from Diego Gómez who switches to Luka Vušković. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Luka Vušković goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Overlap from Luka Vušković on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Pull-back from Luka Vušković along the ground, William Saliba is in position in the area. Clean as you like. William Saliba fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

Lovely use of the ball by João Palhinha, finding Diego Gómez in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Diego Gómez delivers a tidy ball to Georginio Rutter, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nutmeg from Georginio Rutter, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Georginio Rutter tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try.

A draw — that grey zone. Ferdi Kadıoğlu signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. William Saliba adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Oh no, it's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Oh what a challenge! Luka Vušković goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Georginio Rutter chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

Luka Vušković runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Georginio Rutter gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Bart Verbruggen smashes a volley towards William Saliba, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Crossfield pass from William Saliba to Kaoru Mitoma, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Kaoru Mitoma wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Inch-perfect tackle by Pedro Porrero, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Pedro Porrero throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. William Saliba is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Lovely claim from Bart Verbruggen! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

João Palhinha decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. João Palhinha loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

William Saliba sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Luka Vušković sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." William Saliba nods but does not look up. The 24-year-old Bart Verbruggen reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 193, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Second half underway and Ferdi Kadıoğlu is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Ferdi Kadıoğlu reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Ferdi Kadıoğlu was quicker. Ferdi Kadıoğlu spots Kaoru Mitoma in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Masterful aerial duel from Kaoru Mitoma, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Kaoru Mitoma is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Kaoru Mitoma was barely on his way up.

Enormous run from Luka Vušković to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Luka Vušković brings down the attacker to kill the counter. Cynical, but effective. Luka Vušković is cautioned for a deliberate trip on the counter-attack. Cold-blooded decision. The wall stops Luka Vušković's free kick! The defenders didn't budge, solid as a rock. Pedro Porrero floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Magnificent tackle from Ferdi Kadıoğlu! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Ferdi Kadıoğlu gives it to Kaoru Mitoma into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Kaoru Mitoma charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Short build-up from Kaoru Mitoma to Pedro Porrero, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Massive clearance from William Saliba in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Luka Vušković spreads it to João Pedro, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. João Pedro clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Georginio Rutter sends João Palhinha into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. OHHH João Palhinha strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. João Palhinha fires the ball over to João Pedro with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. João Pedro launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to William Saliba, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Dominant header from William Saliba on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. William Saliba plays it simple to Kaoru Mitoma, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Points shared. Ferdi Kadıoğlu sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Luka Vušković crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

3-2 (W)

Tactical foul by Ferdi Kadıoğlu, he wraps his arms around the opponent and stops the break dead. Ferdi Kadıoğlu picks up a deserved yellow. He fouled deliberately to prevent a three-on-two. What TECHNIQUE from Ferdi Kadıoğlu! Free kick curled to perfection, the ball dies in the far top corner. GOAL!

Ferdi Kadıoğlu kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Pedro Porrero takes a knee behind him. Bart Verbruggen raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Luka Vušković senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Luka Vušković sees what nobody else sees and puts William Saliba through on goal with a genius through ball. GOOOOOAL! William Saliba was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Luka Vušković ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Diego Gómez leaps over him. Bart Verbruggen walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Bart Verbruggen slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Pedro Porrero photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

High recovery from Pascal Groß after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Pascal Groß does the dirty work strikers do! In the scramble, he finds the ball and prods it in. GOAL!

Body feint from João Pedro, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. Horrific challenge from João Pedro! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Booking for João Pedro. Swung his boot at head height, the opponent had to duck out of the way. The free kick is taken quickly, João Pedro to João Palhinha who drives forward immediately. Short build-up from João Palhinha to Luka Vušković, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Pascal Groß has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Luka Vušković is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Pedro Porrero has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 27, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Bart Verbruggen is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Little shift from Kaoru Mitoma to Ferdi Kadıoğlu, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming.

Rapid combination: João Pedro to Pedro Porrero, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pedro Porrero tries to find William Saliba but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. João Palhinha steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. João Palhinha feeds Luka Vušković in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Luka Vušković slides it to Ferdi Kadıoğlu, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Pedro Porrero throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Firm pass from Pedro Porrero into João Pedro, right into the boots. No waste. Lovely use of the ball by João Pedro, finding Diego Gómez in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Diego Gómez clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Georginio Rutter gets across the near post first. Georginio Rutter tries to find Diego Gómez with a cross but the defender cuts it out.

It's hit the back of the net! London Three-Pints lead and we look completely lost.

Driven kick from Bart Verbruggen to João Palhinha, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Change of flanks from João Palhinha, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find João Pedro. João Pedro wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance.

William Saliba with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Solo run from William Saliba, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. William Saliba puts the ball right into the path of Pascal Groß, played to the inch, the space is found.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Shot from Georginio Rutter, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

FULL TIME! Pedro Porrero jumps on Bart Verbruggen's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. London Three-Pints shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.