My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Mr. Bean sees what nobody else sees and puts Marcus Rashford through on goal with a genius through ball. GOAL from Marcus Rashford! A lob of outrageous DELICACY! The keeper came out, Marcus Rashford spotted it and dinked it over him. That is GENIUS, all finesse!

Marcus Rashford sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Marcus Rashford shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. Firm pass from Marcus Rashford into Mr. Bean, right into the boots. No waste.

Wally West thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow.

The corner from Steven Gerrard lands on the head of Trent Alexander-Arnold but the ball flies over. He had to do better. The player throws it out to Marcus Rashford, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Marcus Rashford cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

The player plays it simple to Steven Gerrard, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Steven Gerrard spreads it to Peter Griffin, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Telepathic pass from Peter Griffin to Terminator, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Terminator explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

The gaffer pulls up Paris Saint-Glinglin's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Terminator, you have the pace. Gary Neville, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Teammates say Mr. Bean has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 180, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Steven Gerrard claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Pull-back from Marcus Rashford, Steven Gerrard has the ball and all the time in the world to pick his spot. How has Steven Gerrard missed that?! Marcus Rashford did all the hard work and laid it on a plate for him. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch.

Terminator absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Brilliant interception from Gary Neville, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Powerful effort from Mohamed Salah, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar. Corner from Mohamed Salah into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with.

The military robot slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Big strike from the player, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

What a disaster! Paris Saint-Glinglin score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Sonic the Hedgehog stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Peter Griffin follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

The recovery from Terminator is absolutely jaw-dropping, runs like his life depends on it and saves the day. A tug on the shirt from Terminator, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. The military robot floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Lovely high take from Sonic the Hedgehog! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump.

That's a beauty from Terminator! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Clearance from Terminator under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Gary Neville anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Gary Neville slides a beauty through the gap, Ryan Giggs is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. WIIIIIDE! Ryan Giggs put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Level. Wally West picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Steven Gerrard waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Huge whiff from Mr. Bean! Goes to ground and the attacker just walks around him. Embarrassing. The referee does NOT hesitate: penalty! Trent Alexander-Arnold has been clattered in the box by the defender. The moment is GIGANTIC, everything hinges on this decision! OHHH the MASTERFUL penalty from Trent Alexander-Arnold! He sends the keeper the wrong way with disconcerting ease. GOAL!

Mr. Bean sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Terminator snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Sonic the Hedgehog waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Ryan Giggs floats his free kick into the area, Marcus Rashford is there for the header. Marcus Rashford rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. LOOONG range effort from Marcus Rashford! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

Mohamed Salah slides it to Steven Gerrard, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Short build-up from Steven Gerrard to Marcus Rashford, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Marcus Rashford spots Gary Neville peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Feint from Gary Neville, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. Gary Neville keeps it short to Terminator, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Trent Alexander-Arnold spreads the play and finds Mohamed Salah in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Overlap from Mohamed Salah on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. The cross from Mohamed Salah does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Sonic the Hedgehog opts for the short option to Mohamed Salah, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Mohamed Salah sets it for Trent Alexander-Arnold, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Trent Alexander-Arnold puts it right into the feet of Terminator, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Terminator catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Free kick from Terminator looped in, the ball is dropped onto Marcus Rashford at the penalty spot.

Gary Neville is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Terminator adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Planning records show Terminator's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 28-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Gary Neville sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Wicked through ball from Marcus Rashford, the ball skims the grass and finds Ryan Giggs who had set off before anyone else even noticed. What a rush out from Sonic the Hedgehog! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. The player goes long for Trent Alexander-Arnold, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Step-overs from Marcus Rashford followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Quick exchange between Marcus Rashford and Steven Gerrard, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Steven Gerrard curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Sonic the Hedgehog plays it along the ground to Ryan Giggs, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Interception from Trent Alexander-Arnold right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. The timing is everything: Trent Alexander-Arnold releases the ball at the perfect moment and Steven Gerrard explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Overlap from Steven Gerrard with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Cross from Steven Gerrard, he puts it on the far post for Mohamed Salah. Ball claimed by Sonic the Hedgehog on the cross, total authority in his box.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Mohamed Salah puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Mohamed Salah chips a cross over the defensive line, Wally West controls in space. That is world class. The player gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Sonic the Hedgehog catapults the ball towards Gary Neville from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Peter Griffin slips Ryan Giggs in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. High recovery from Mohamed Salah, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming.

GET IN THERE! Sonic the Hedgehog slides on his knees across the wet turf, Gary Neville piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. México No-Era-Penal can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GOOOOL from Mr. Bean! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Mr. Bean mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Terminator does the wave with contortionist grace. Sonic the Hedgehog solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

It's there! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Dead defender. Sonic the Hedgehog mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Mohamed Salah completes the choreography by collapsing. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Wall pass between Mr. Bean and Gary Neville, the combination comes off a treat. GOOOOAL from the player! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Sonic the Hedgehog sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Mr. Bean, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Diagonal from Gary Neville to Steven Gerrard, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. BLOCKED by the defender! Steven Gerrard was unlucky there, good shot but even better block.

What a mess! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Sonic the Hedgehog does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Marcus Rashford launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Peter Griffin is biting {his} nails in the corner. Sonic the Hedgehog stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. A cracking detail — Trent Alexander-Arnold, standing at 175, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Wally West takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Good delivery from Marcus Rashford off the left flank, Terminator positions himself between the two centre-halves. Terminator jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him.

The corner from Marcus Rashford is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Peter Griffin accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Trent Alexander-Arnold races back alongside the winger and catches him on the line. Incredible effort. That is a tackle of the highest order from Trent Alexander-Arnold. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

Corner from the player and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital. Enormous clearance from Peter Griffin inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Ryan Giggs sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Gary Neville sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Steven Gerrard. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Steven Gerrard rolls it to Wally West, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Wally West presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast.

Superb diagonal from the superhero to Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Dominant header from Trent Alexander-Arnold on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Trent Alexander-Arnold accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Trent Alexander-Arnold plays it back across the floor in the box, Steven Gerrard receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. The shot from Steven Gerrard is blocked, the defender put his body on the line.

Both keepers are overworked, shots raining in from everywhere. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Shifting pass from Marcus Rashford to Mr. Bean, the ball drifts into the free zone and Mr. Bean is onto it in two strides.

Honours even. Gary Neville finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Sonic the Hedgehog walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

Smooth transition from Mr. Bean to Trent Alexander-Arnold, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Trent Alexander-Arnold reaches the byline and pulls it back for Wally West, the low ball fizzes through the area. Wally West touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Mr. Bean mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Terminator plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Sonic the Hedgehog applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Absolutely insane recovery run from Gary Neville, covers the entire pitch to come back and save the day. Shoulder charge from Gary Neville on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Free kick from Gary Neville played as a cross, Wally West positions himself at the far post. The player plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Solo charge from Ryan Giggs, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. That's a leg-breaker from Ryan Giggs! He's come in like a freight train on the attacker. The ref reaches for his pocket. Ryan Giggs stamped on the opponent's ankle, ugly business. Ryan Giggs rolls the free kick along the ground to Mohamed Salah, it is the short routine.

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. Foul by the superhero, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The free kick from Wally West flies high over the bar. The away fans are ducking up there!

The player finds Terminator with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The military robot lays it off first time to Mr. Bean, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Little shift from Mr. Bean to Wally West, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Blistering run from Wally West on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. The superhero whips in a classic cross for Ryan Giggs in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Mr. Bean is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Sonic the Hedgehog, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Planning records show Mr. Bean's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 71-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Terminator wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Sonic the Hedgehog rolls it short to Peter Griffin into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Sideways ball from Peter Griffin to Mr. Bean, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Mr. Bean shifts it to Steven Gerrard with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Ryan Giggs starts the one-two with Marcus Rashford, the ball comes back in stride and it is done. Two touches, three yards gained. Ryan Giggs slides the ball across the ground in the box, Marcus Rashford arrives for the finish. Sonic the Hedgehog stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper. Massive punt from Sonic the Hedgehog, sends the ball sixty yards, Mr. Bean is scrapping for it up top. Mr. Bean makes a mess of a simple pass to Gary Neville, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

The corner from Peter Griffin finds Trent Alexander-Arnold who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance. Sonic the Hedgehog finds Mr. Bean with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Enormous anticipation from Mr. Bean who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Raking ball from the player to Peter Griffin, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The player shifts Mr. Bean into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Lovely use of the ball by Steven Gerrard, finding Trent Alexander-Arnold in a tight pocket of space. Quality. One touch football: Trent Alexander-Arnold to Steven Gerrard, faster than the opposition can think. Steven Gerrard finds Peter Griffin in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. They strangle the build-up, no passing option anywhere. High recovery from Mohamed Salah, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Mohamed Salah beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely.

GET IN THERE! Mr. Bean slides on his knees across the wet turf, Mohamed Salah piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Dakar Teranga FC can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. What PRESENCE from Steven Gerrard in the box! He toes the ball into the net. PURE OPPORTUNIST'S GOAL!

Steven Gerrard finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Terminator plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Ryan Giggs's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Ryan Giggs arrives at full pelt and prods the ball in at point-blank range! On the delivery from Peter Griffin, it is in, GOAL!

Oh dear oh dear! Douala Makossa-Corner score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Sonic the Hedgehog mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Ryan Giggs does the wave with contortionist grace. Sonic the Hedgehog solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Sonic the Hedgehog launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Trent Alexander-Arnold after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Quick one-two between Trent Alexander-Arnold and Steven Gerrard, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Steven Gerrard plays the simple ball to Gary Neville, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

They've done it! Douala Makossa-Corner find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Sonic the Hedgehog stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Trent Alexander-Arnold comes over and hugs him without a word.

The physio works on Sonic the Hedgehog's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Sonic the Hedgehog, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Gary Neville, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Despite the wages, Wally West insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 28 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' Wally West spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Beautiful distribution from Sonic the Hedgehog to Marcus Rashford, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Massive diagonal from Marcus Rashford! Gary Neville receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Commanding header from Gary Neville who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Gary Neville did not budge an inch. Gary Neville clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. The military robot dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Steven Gerrard feeds Ryan Giggs in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Rapid combination: Ryan Giggs to Marcus Rashford, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Marcus Rashford gives it to Terminator, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal.

Sonic the Hedgehog boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Terminator! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Oh what a challenge! Terminator goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Good ball from Terminator to Ryan Giggs, playing it quick between the lines. Shot from Ryan Giggs, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Marcus Rashford looks up and launches a long pass towards Terminator. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Aerial duel won by the military robot, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Terminator gives it to Peter Griffin into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Wally West lays it off first time to Mr. Bean, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Marcus Rashford spots Mohamed Salah in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Clearance from the player towards Mohamed Salah, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Mohamed Salah reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Mohamed Salah picks out Gary Neville with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Step-over from Gary Neville, he ghosts past his man in one move! Gary Neville reaches the byline and cuts it back for Mohamed Salah arriving from the second wave.

Short restart from the player to Mr. Bean, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Duel lost by Mr. Bean, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. Lovely take from the player! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. The player finds Wally West along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Wally West to Mohamed Salah, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Stalemate at home. Trent Alexander-Arnold and Mohamed Salah embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-0 (W)

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Steven Gerrard embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. GOOOAL! Steven Gerrard sends a SUMPTUOUS lob over the goalkeeper! The ball makes a perfect parabola and drops into the goal. Technical MASTERPIECE!

'I told you so' mode. Steven Gerrard eyeballs the Lagos No-Carry-Last bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Peter Griffin pulls Steven Gerrard away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The referee jogs over to the screen, both sets of players watching his every move. Massive call coming. Bombshell after VAR! Gary Neville goes from yellow to red, sent off! Gary Neville has bitten the opponent! Can you believe that? Straight red, and rightly so. Free kick played short by Gary Neville and Marcus Rashford, the opposition did not see that one coming.

Absolutely immense from Wally West! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Gary Neville. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Gary Neville unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Sonic the Hedgehog throws it out quickly to Terminator, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Terminator plays it simple to Mohamed Salah, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Mohamed Salah unleashes a raking ball out to Trent Alexander-Arnold, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The overlap from Trent Alexander-Arnold, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Trent Alexander-Arnold plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Steven Gerrard in the six-yard box. That is pure silk.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Mr. Bean to Gary Neville, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Poor decision from Gary Neville on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Lovely interception from Trent Alexander-Arnold, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Change of flanks from Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Steven Gerrard.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Sonic the Hedgehog, you have been outstanding. Gary Neville, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Club sources confirm Ryan Giggs has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 53, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Wally West knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Trent Alexander-Arnold finds Terminator between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Body feint from Terminator, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Perfect cut-back from Terminator, Wally West receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Short pass from the superhero to Steven Gerrard, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Brilliant pass from Ryan Giggs! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Trent Alexander-Arnold is onto it. That's been flagged. Trent Alexander-Arnold was in an offside position when Steven Gerrard played it through. Big clearance from Mr. Bean under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Mohamed Salah hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Lay-off from Mohamed Salah to Wally West, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Sonic the Hedgehog plays out from the back with Trent Alexander-Arnold, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Trent Alexander-Arnold tries to pick out Wally West on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Gary Neville sends Terminator into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. SO CLOSE! Terminator sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Sonic the Hedgehog goes long for Mohamed Salah, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Header lost by Mohamed Salah, the opponent was just too strong. Header from Trent Alexander-Arnold on the perfect cross from Terminator, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

What a result against Lagos No-Carry-Last! Marcus Rashford walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Wally West follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. GOOOOAL! Ryan Giggs places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Mr. Bean, surgical finish!

The military robot intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Long ball from Terminator to Gary Neville, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Overlap and cross from Gary Neville, the ball drops at the feet of Steven Gerrard in the heart of the box. OHHH the header from Steven Gerrard off the cross from Wally West! It flies a whisker past the post! The keeper had no chance.

And there it is, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Sonic the Hedgehog kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Mohamed Salah takes a knee behind him. Sonic the Hedgehog raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Marcus Rashford strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. Just wide! Marcus Rashford struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Sonic the Hedgehog sends an absolute rocket towards Mr. Bean, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Oh that's poor! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Sonic the Hedgehog arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Trent Alexander-Arnold slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Marcus Rashford punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Lovely story from Trent Alexander-Arnold's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 175 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Back on the pitch and Sonic the Hedgehog is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

The corner from Marcus Rashford picks out Gary Neville in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. Gary Neville scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Monumental ball from Peter Griffin to Wally West, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Sonic the Hedgehog plays it short to Ryan Giggs, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Ryan Giggs links up with Mohamed Salah, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Devastating burst of pace from Mohamed Salah, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Mohamed Salah chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, Wally West is under the dropping ball.

Long ball from Sonic the Hedgehog for Marcus Rashford who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Marcus Rashford opens up to Trent Alexander-Arnold on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Wasteful from Trent Alexander-Arnold on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Ryan Giggs throws his arms up in frustration. Terminator clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Wally West intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Wally West picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him.

Ryan Giggs delivers a tidy ball to Trent Alexander-Arnold, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Smooth transition from Trent Alexander-Arnold to Gary Neville, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Gary Neville looks up and swings in a floated cross, Steven Gerrard rises among the defenders. Steven Gerrard meets the cross from Gary Neville with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

What a mess after Marcus Rashford's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Panicked clearance from Mr. Bean, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Terminator tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Solo charge from Steven Gerrard, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. Steven Gerrard dives in with the slide tackle but the attacker hops over it and carries on running. The red card is out! Marcus Rashford was the last man standing and he brought the attacker crashing down.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Sonic the Hedgehog shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Mohamed Salah is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

Mr. Bean beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. The referee points to the SPOT! Mr. Bean has been brought down in the box by the defender. Huge decision, the TENSION is through the roof! GOOOAL for Mr. Bean! Unmissable penalty, he slots it right with finesse, the keeper goes left. GOAL!

Mr. Bean scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Steven Gerrard is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Sonic the Hedgehog and Mr. Bean do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Mohamed Salah sends an aerial beauty to Steven Gerrard, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Lazy pass from Steven Gerrard, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Trent Alexander-Arnold with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open.

VAR signal from the referee, he stops dead in the centre circle. What's he going to give? Mr. Bean is stunned, VAR has just turned his yellow into a straight red! Straight red for Mr. Bean! He's swung a fist at the opponent in a moment of pure madness. Short free kick from Mr. Bean, Ryan Giggs receives in space and can play on.

The free kick from Peter Griffin lands right on Terminator in the heart of the box. What a delivery! HEADER from Terminator! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Mohamed Salah, you have barely touched the ball. Peter Griffin, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Brilliant little nugget — Trent Alexander-Arnold has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 175, for the record. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Marcus Rashford takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Wally West intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Wally West changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Ryan Giggs. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Ryan Giggs crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Terminator is in the right place.

Trent Alexander-Arnold lays it off first time to Terminator, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Terminator gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Peter Griffin just needs to sidefoot it home. The player unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Dangerous delivery from the player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Ryan Giggs crosses but it hits the defender's knee. The danger is cleared. Ryan Giggs hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Header lost for Gary Neville, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority.

Long kick from Sonic the Hedgehog, Marcus Rashford positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Marcus Rashford goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Lovely use of the ball by Marcus Rashford, finding Mohamed Salah in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Mohamed Salah winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

It was bound to happen. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and honestly, we deserved that.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Sonic the Hedgehog strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Mr. Bean points at it, jaw on the floor. Sonic the Hedgehog shakes his head, not believing it.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. WHAT A SAVE from Sonic the Hedgehog! Rushing out at the feet, the ball is gathered. One-on-one WON! Instinctive clearance from Wally West who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Ryan Giggs reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Ryan Giggs was quicker.

Ryan Giggs chains a roulette into a step-over, defenders are dropping like flies. No joy for Ryan Giggs, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. The opponent is bundled over by Mohamed Salah. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Mohamed Salah sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Steven Gerrard pops up between two defenders.

Defeat against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Steven Gerrard fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Sonic the Hedgehog waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

They've nicked a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío catch us cold on the break.

Sonic the Hedgehog stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Mr. Bean comes over and hugs him without a word.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. LOB from Ryan Giggs! GOAL! The keeper was three yards off his line, Ryan Giggs spotted it and sent a CHIPPED ball that sails over him and drops into the net. GENIUS awareness!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Ryan Giggs. Marcus Rashford is on his knees clapping, Sonic the Hedgehog is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Gary Neville shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Extraordinary run from Gary Neville, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. What composure from Gary Neville! On the pass from Steven Gerrard, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

Heroic recovery from Terminator! Had ten yards to make up and still got back in time. Take a bow. Free kick conceded by the military robot, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Terminator delivers an inswinging free kick, Mohamed Salah at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Sonic the Hedgehog plucks the cross like a proper keeper. No frills, just pure efficiency. The keeper is calm.

Sombrero from Mr. Bean right inside the box, the audacity is outrageous. The defender will not recover from that. Failed dribble from Mr. Bean, he tried the skill but the timing was off. Mohamed Salah slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Free kick from Mohamed Salah curled into the area, Peter Griffin attacks it with a header.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Gary Neville reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Wally West cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." In a baffling move, Wally West adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 28, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' The gaffer gives Gary Neville one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Gary Neville runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Driven kick from Sonic the Hedgehog to Mohamed Salah, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Crossfield pass from Mohamed Salah to Trent Alexander-Arnold, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Overlap from Trent Alexander-Arnold on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Gary Neville rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Mohamed Salah. The far side is completely deserted. Dummy from Mohamed Salah, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done.

The player finds Steven Gerrard with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Steven Gerrard puts it right into the feet of Terminator, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Incredible burst of pace from Mohamed Salah, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Perfect low cut-back from Mohamed Salah, the ball slides across the box and Ryan Giggs just has to finish. AAAARGH Ryan Giggs! Steven Gerrard puts the ball on his head, the goal is empty, and he nods it wide. That stings.

Sideways ball from Peter Griffin to Wally West, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The superhero slides a perfect cut-back for Peter Griffin in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. Peter Griffin shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied. Mr. Bean clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Mohamed Salah loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Trent Alexander-Arnold boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Steven Gerrard jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel. Terminator gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Emergency clearance from Terminator, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

A draw — that grey zone. Wally West signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Sonic the Hedgehog adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Moment of truth, heroes rise or hearts break. Marcus Rashford fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Ryan Giggs throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. GOOOOOOAL! Ryan Giggs bursts into the box, meets the cross from Marcus Rashford with his head and rocks the net!

Marcus Rashford runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Sonic the Hedgehog tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

The free kick from Ryan Giggs clears the defence and finds Mr. Bean in the danger area. Diving header from Mr. Bean on the cross from Mohamed Salah! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting! The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. The player switches the play to Marcus Rashford, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Powerful run from Peter Griffin, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. Ball into space from the player for Ryan Giggs, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Ryan Giggs flagged offside on the pass from Terminator, but you'd need VAR to see that! Short distribution from Sonic the Hedgehog to Steven Gerrard, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Mr. Bean picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Low cut-back from the player for Terminator. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. NOOOOO YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! Terminator misses the open goal, Gary Neville had done the hard part!

Superb tackle from the superhero, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Lightning overlap from Mr. Bean, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Mr. Bean floats a cross in from the wing for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball hangs in the box! Trent Alexander-Arnold crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Gary Neville stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Mr. Bean bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. At age 9, Mohamed Salah entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 34, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The gaffer gives Wally West one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Wally West runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Ping-pong between the two boxes, every ball is a chance. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Mohamed Salah reads the movement from Peter Griffin and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts.

Massive clearance from Trent Alexander-Arnold, just get the ball as far away as possible. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Ryan Giggs clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Peter Griffin sets it for Mohamed Salah, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Mohamed Salah lofts a cross into the box, Mr. Bean is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Mr. Bean attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly. Sonic the Hedgehog sparks the transition with a quick throw to Mohamed Salah, the break is lightning fast.

Massive clearance from Gary Neville in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The superhero catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Free kick played short by the superhero! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Ryan Giggs strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

WHAT A WIN! Peter Griffin and Wally West do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

Wing switch from Wally West, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Trent Alexander-Arnold brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Great overlap from Trent Alexander-Arnold down the flank, pinpoint cross for Ryan Giggs in the area. This is the moment. Ryan Giggs scores an own goal for the AGES! He tries to head the cross from Peter Griffin but he is too short and the ball flies into his own net. OHHH the poor lad, he wants to go straight down the TUNNEL.

Wally West sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Gary Neville photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Marcus Rashford launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Terminator, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Terminator wants to play it quick but the pass to Gary Neville is wayward, lacking any precision. Trent Alexander-Arnold with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Trent Alexander-Arnold swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Steven Gerrard, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Right-footed cross from Steven Gerrard, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Marcus Rashford.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Terminator. Held the opponent back by the arm.

We're into stoppage time, the tension ratchets up another notch. Trent Alexander-Arnold raises his hands after the throw, stalling the restart as long as possible. Foul by Trent Alexander-Arnold in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Trent Alexander-Arnold sends an inswinging free kick in, Mr. Bean rises for the header at the far post. Header from Mr. Bean, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

Tidy restart from Sonic the Hedgehog along the deck to Wally West, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Wally West launches it to Trent Alexander-Arnold on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Trent Alexander-Arnold wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Wally West has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Mr. Bean from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Club sources confirm Ryan Giggs has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 53, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Sonic the Hedgehog does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Corner from Ryan Giggs well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Peter Griffin hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The player tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it. Interception from Gary Neville who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Gary Neville.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. The player dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. Quick throw from Sonic the Hedgehog to Ryan Giggs out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Ryan Giggs pings a long diagonal to Peter Griffin, completely shifts the point of attack.

Ryan Giggs picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. The defender bundles over Ryan Giggs in the box, the referee blows for a penalty without HESITATION. The stadium holds its breath, everything is decided NOW. The keeper has read Ryan Giggs's penalty like a book! Dive, save, it's over! The player finds Trent Alexander-Arnold with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Ryan Giggs plays a low free kick into the box, Gary Neville cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Superb leap from Gary Neville who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Ryan Giggs charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Ryan Giggs dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Trent Alexander-Arnold arrives at full pace behind them.

Marcus Rashford delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Gary Neville boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Ryan Giggs is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him.

FULL TIME! Terminator jumps on Mohamed Salah's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Istanbul Cehennem FK shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Sonic the Hedgehog ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Mr. Bean leaps over him. Sonic the Hedgehog walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Mr. Bean mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Lovely cross from the player on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. The superhero meets the cross from Mr. Bean with his head and scores! GOOOAL! In that position, that aerial game is an insane weapon.

Terminator dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. GOOOOAL for Mr. Bean! BLISTERING 20-yard rocket, the keeper did not even see the ball leave!

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Fantastic surging run from Steven Gerrard, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. Steven Gerrard goes for a desperate slide but he's about a mile away from the ball. Not his finest moment. Straight red for Gary Neville! He clips the heels of the attacker sprinting goalward. Last defender, textbook denial.

Acceleration from Peter Griffin down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Peter Griffin curls a cross to the near post, Mr. Bean is lurking in the box. Cross from the player deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. Authoritative clearance from Gary Neville in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Terminator pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Brilliant little nugget — Marcus Rashford has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 188, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' And we are back underway! Sonic the Hedgehog jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Gary Neville tries the one-two with Marcus Rashford and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Gary Neville wins the battle without even touching the opponent. Gary Neville celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Marcus Rashford's pass. Gutting. The player throws it out to Peter Griffin, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Quick one-two between Peter Griffin and Gary Neville, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Sharp cut inside from Gary Neville, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Gary Neville lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Wally West fires the ball over to Gary Neville with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Huge tackle from Gary Neville! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Gary Neville threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Ryan Giggs bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. RUSH OUT from Sonic the Hedgehog! He charges at the opponent and smothers the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! Sonic the Hedgehog distributes by hand to Trent Alexander-Arnold on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Trent Alexander-Arnold pings a ridiculous diagonal to Wally West. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Foul by Peter Griffin, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Inevitable booking for Peter Griffin. He's been at it all match with these little fouls. The player fires into the wall from the free kick! In that position, it's a CLASSIC, the wall wins sometimes, but persistence always pays off. Sonic the Hedgehog fires it out quickly by hand to Gary Neville, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

They've scored! Milano Piano-Piano find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Sonic the Hedgehog arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Peter Griffin slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Mr. Bean triggers a change of flanks for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. What a leap from Trent Alexander-Arnold! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Trent Alexander-Arnold shifts it to Marcus Rashford with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Sonic the Hedgehog finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Peter Griffin plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The player throws it out to Marcus Rashford, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Marcus Rashford keeps it short to Trent Alexander-Arnold, no frills, just good football intelligence. Strike from Trent Alexander-Arnold that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Short restart from Sonic the Hedgehog to Marcus Rashford, building from the back nice and tidy.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Mr. Bean stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Steven Gerrard walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Milano Piano-Piano are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Terminator sets it for Gary Neville, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Gary Neville drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. Gary Neville gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Terminator shifts it to Trent Alexander-Arnold with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. SHOOOOT from Trent Alexander-Arnold... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Terminator switches the play to Trent Alexander-Arnold on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Well spotted by Wally West who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. CRAAACKER from Ryan Giggs outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

Gary Neville throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Trent Alexander-Arnold, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. Gary Neville once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 51-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The second period begins and Mohamed Salah launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Lovely anticipation from the military robot who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Incredible solo run from Marcus Rashford, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. Oh my word Marcus Rashford fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Blatant tug from Ryan Giggs on the attacker's shirt, the ref saw everything. Booking for Ryan Giggs, persistent fouling. The referee drew a line in the sand. The free kick from Ryan Giggs ends up in row Z. He has absolutely ballooned that.

Wally West is all alone at the back post on the corner from Steven Gerrard, he heads it but it goes wide. Sonic the Hedgehog smashes a volley towards Wally West, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Overlap from the superhero with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Inch-perfect cross from Wally West, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Terminator at the back post.

Peter Griffin goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Peter Griffin tries a shimmy but slips on the ball. Turnover in a bad area. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

The player produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. Peter Griffin charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Good cross from the player for Mohamed Salah in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Cross from Mr. Bean, header from Mohamed Salah and... it is over! He should have done better there. The player goes long for Trent Alexander-Arnold, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Mr. Bean drops it into space for Wally West, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average.

Gutting. Sonic the Hedgehog throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Mohamed Salah picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-3 (L)

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Superb pass from Steven Gerrard into the gap for Peter Griffin, the defender is rooted to the spot. GOOOOOOL from Peter Griffin! On the pass from Mohamed Salah, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Full moonwalk from Steven Gerrard, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Peter Griffin does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Sonic the Hedgehog applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Peter Griffin turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Gary Neville. The defence did not even have time to blink. Gary Neville sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Good run from Gary Neville who crosses to the near post for Steven Gerrard. The defender is beaten to it. Steven Gerrard delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line!

Absolutely dreadful! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Sonic the Hedgehog takes his time and plays it short to Ryan Giggs. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Switch from Ryan Giggs! The ball arcs over the midfield and Marcus Rashford collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Marcus Rashford takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race.

Ryan Giggs stays down after every touch, and there's clearly nothing wrong. Ryan Giggs gets a yellow for dissent, kicked the ball away in frustration. Silly booking. The free kick from Ryan Giggs is a dangerous one, Marcus Rashford meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Marcus Rashford gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Peter Griffin sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Gary Neville has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Trent Alexander-Arnold once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' Marcus Rashford trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Trent Alexander-Arnold launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

Oh no, it's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Terminator throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Sideways ball from Terminator to Trent Alexander-Arnold, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Trent Alexander-Arnold skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. Overlap on the left from Trent Alexander-Arnold, floated cross towards Marcus Rashford who rises highest at the far post. OHHH Marcus Rashford rises and heads it just wide! That was so close!

Unbelievable! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Sonic the Hedgehog, arms out like an aeroplane. Peter Griffin follows in like he's skiing. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Ryan Giggs feeds Terminator on the short corner, slowing the tempo, pulling the defense around. Terminator drills a low ball back for Mr. Bean, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread. The manager has his head in his hands! Mr. Bean misses in front of an open goal after that peach from Terminator. You cannot miss those at this level.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Textbook lay-off from Wally West to Ryan Giggs who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Ryan Giggs drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Trent Alexander-Arnold is free inside the eighteen-yard box. Trent Alexander-Arnold unleashes a strike that is stopped dead by the defender. He put everything into that block.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Marcus Rashford decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos. Effort from Marcus Rashford, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. Monster clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Mohamed Salah. Mohamed Salah wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. One laser pass from Ryan Giggs and the entire defence is eliminated, Mr. Bean is through on goal. The space is enormous. It is not happening for Mr. Bean, the pass to Ryan Giggs is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces.

Full time. Mr. Bean applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Terminator joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Peter Griffin slides it to Gary Neville, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Gary Neville strikes and the ball thuds off the post with a massive clang. The WHOLE stadium thought it was in! The military robot pops up in the right place on the cross from Mr. Bean! In that position, that kind of presence in the box is what turns you into a goalscorer. GOAL!

Peter Griffin rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Ryan Giggs jumps on his back, Sonic the Hedgehog is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Terminator plays it simple to Marcus Rashford, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Marcus Rashford sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Trent Alexander-Arnold in the thick of it. Trent Alexander-Arnold crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Trent Alexander-Arnold rolls it to Gary Neville, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Ryan Giggs gives it to Peter Griffin from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Peter Griffin strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Mohamed Salah winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

They've scored again! London Three-Pints are running riot and we can't cope.

Sonic the Hedgehog places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Trent Alexander-Arnold falls to his knees bowing. Sonic the Hedgehog does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Sonic the Hedgehog distributes short to Mr. Bean, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The player misplaces his pass to Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Ryan Giggs with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Ryan Giggs drops a lofted ball to Mr. Bean, it sails over the entire midfield line. Mr. Bean sends in a curling delivery, Gary Neville peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Trent Alexander-Arnold, you have barely touched the ball. Terminator, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Gary Neville attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 51-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The gaffer gives Sonic the Hedgehog one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Sonic the Hedgehog runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Trent Alexander-Arnold puts in a desperate sprint to get back and it pays off, arrives just in time to clear. OHHHH Sonic the Hedgehog makes the right call! He comes out head-first and grabs the ball at the feet! Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority.

Peter Griffin puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Gary Neville comes steaming in. Gary Neville tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck.

With one swing of the boot, Ryan Giggs finds Steven Gerrard on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Firm pass from Steven Gerrard into Wally West, right into the boots. No waste. Rapid combination: Wally West to Terminator, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Textbook one-two between Terminator and Ryan Giggs. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football.

That recovery run from Trent Alexander-Arnold is worth a goal in itself. Without that effort, it's 1-0 right there. Trent Alexander-Arnold tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Free kick from Trent Alexander-Arnold, lovely delivery and Peter Griffin rises above the defence. Aerial claim from the player, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

Lovely use of the ball by Steven Gerrard, finding Terminator in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Terminator keeps it short to Trent Alexander-Arnold, no frills, just good football intelligence. Trent Alexander-Arnold plays the simple ball to Steven Gerrard, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Oh no, London Three-Pints score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Sonic the Hedgehog runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Terminator joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Marcus Rashford is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Mohamed Salah throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Brilliant switch of play from Steven Gerrard! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Peter Griffin. Good ball from the player to Terminator, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Terminator nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic.

Gutting. Trent Alexander-Arnold throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Peter Griffin picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.