My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

Absolutely dreadful! Paris Saint-Glinglin score and we have only ourselves to blame.

David Raya sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on David Raya, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Cross from Roman Reigns, he puts it on the far post for Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson lets his AERIAL GAME do the talking! On the cross from Roman Reigns, he scores with his head with crazy authority. GOAL!

The mixed martial arts fighter shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Usain Bolt. Pure quality, as per usual. Usain Bolt clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Bo Jackson gets across the near post first. Oh my days Bo Jackson what on EARTH is that! Monumental own goal! He deflects the ball off his knee into his own net, the keeper is gobsmacked, his teammates are FUMING. What absolute HORROR!

Brock Lesnar unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Lamine Yamal makes a heart sign with his hands. David Raya finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

The press from Bo Jackson pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Bo Jackson pounces. A forced gift. Bo Jackson lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Bo Jackson releases John Cena with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Cut-back from John Cena, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Bo Jackson.

Bo Jackson rolls it to Lamine Yamal, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Wicked through ball from Lamine Yamal, the ball skims the grass and finds John Cena who had set off before anyone else even noticed. John Cena has a crack and puts it into the crowd. The keeper didn't need to move a muscle.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Lamine Yamal is biting {his} nails in the corner. Bobby Moore stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Inside info here — Brock Lesnar insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 49, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Bo Jackson picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Good ball from the professional wrestler to Bobby Moore, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Scottie Scheffler tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Lovely high take from David Raya! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. David Raya plays it along the ground to Aaron Judge, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The baseball player switches the play to John Cena, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Roman Reigns pings a long diagonal to Bo Jackson, completely shifts the point of attack. Bo Jackson scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. The golfer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat.

Bobby Moore holds the attacker at the waist, professional foul, ref blows. Bobby Moore is booked for a tactical foul at the halfway line. Smart play, but it costs a card. Free kick from Bobby Moore delivered with pace, Aaron Judge finds himself in space at the far post. HEADER from Aaron Judge! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. Long ball from David Raya for Gareth Edwards who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

David Raya mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Usain Bolt raises David Raya's arm like a referee declaring the winner. David Raya plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. Decisive glance from Gareth Edwards who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. The rugby union player opens up to Aaron Judge on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Aaron Judge shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

David Raya rolls it short to Aaron Judge into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Aaron Judge loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. Lovely claim from David Raya! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Lovely use of the ball by Bo Jackson, finding Roman Reigns in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Roman Reigns delivers a tidy ball to Gareth Edwards, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Level at the final whistle. David Raya and Usain Bolt walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-2 (L)

Interception from Usain Bolt right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Lamine Yamal winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Aaron Judge to Roman Reigns, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

David Raya climbs onto Usain Bolt's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. David Raya circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Bobby Moore with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Telepathic pass from Bobby Moore to Scottie Scheffler, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. The flag denies Scottie Scheffler, offside by a toe on John Cena's pass. Absolutely devastating!

Gareth Edwards throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Emergency clearance from the rugby union player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Bo Jackson loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. David Raya comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Aaron Judge grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Scottie Scheffler is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. The 49-year-old Brock Lesnar has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 196, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Scottie Scheffler comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Brock Lesnar launches it to John Cena on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. John Cena gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Bobby Moore. Ball claimed by David Raya on the cross, total authority in his box. David Raya launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Bobby Moore after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Free kick to the opponents. Usain Bolt caught his man with a stray leg. Usain Bolt is cautioned for accumulated fouls. The ref warned him twice, he didn't listen. Usain Bolt gives it short to Roman Reigns from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach. The professional wrestler has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

The free kick from Lamine Yamal clears the defence and finds Gareth Edwards in the danger area. WHAT A HEADER from Gareth Edwards! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. With one swing of the boot, Usain Bolt finds Gareth Edwards on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Lamine Yamal whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Gareth Edwards throws himself at it for a header. Aerial duel won by Gareth Edwards in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Quick exchange between Gareth Edwards and Bo Jackson, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Bo Jackson hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded.

And it's in! México No-Era-Penal take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

The rugby union player plays the one-two with Lamine Yamal and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Burst of speed from the rugby union player down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The rugby union player rolls it back along the ground for John Cena. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

Constant harassment, the opposition is always a yard off the pace. A tug on the shirt from Usain Bolt, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Free kick from Usain Bolt, it hits the wall and comes back. Nothing to report. Bo Jackson delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm!

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Bo Jackson stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Scottie Scheffler peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Brock Lesnar pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. GOOOAL from the mixed martial arts fighter in genius mode! In that position, when you have that ability to make the difference all on your own, you win the impossible matches.

Brock Lesnar unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Gareth Edwards makes a heart sign with his hands. David Raya finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

The referee comes back from the screen, still hasn't made his call. The wait is cruel. Brock Lesnar is shellshocked, VAR has just turned his yellow into red, no debate! Brock Lesnar has completely lost his head! He's thrown an elbow straight at the opponent's face. Straight red! Brock Lesnar plays the free kick short and fast to Bo Jackson, they catch everyone on the hop.

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. Lamine Yamal gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post. Massive punt from David Raya, sends the ball sixty yards, Roman Reigns is scrapping for it up top.

Bo Jackson finds Roman Reigns between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. John Cena launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Aaron Judge, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Roman Reigns drops the ball in from the free kick, Lamine Yamal arrives at the near post. Cross from Aaron Judge, header from Lamine Yamal and... it is over! He should have done better there. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Raking ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Lamine Yamal, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Aaron Judge stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Scottie Scheffler bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Bo Jackson spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 64-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Bobby Moore takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

High recovery from Scottie Scheffler, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Quick one-two between Scottie Scheffler and Bobby Moore, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Blistering run from Bobby Moore on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Bobby Moore sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it.

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Brock Lesnar tries his luck and it's a disaster. The ball goes so high it practically needs air traffic clearance. David Raya sends an absolute rocket towards Gareth Edwards, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Lamine Yamal bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Usain Bolt wins the aerial battle. Cross blocked from Usain Bolt, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending. Corner cleared, the executive producer finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Roman Reigns intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

The professional wrestler puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. David Raya climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone. Aaron Judge sets it for Brock Lesnar, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Magnificent shift from Brock Lesnar! Bo Jackson picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Bo Jackson is caught offside by millimetres on Scottie Scheffler's through ball. Heartbreaking decision.

Roman Reigns takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Bo Jackson sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Bo Jackson puts it right into the feet of Gareth Edwards, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Gareth Edwards drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Scottie Scheffler slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

Sublime piece of skill from Brock Lesnar, he controls with his back and spins away. The crowd is on its feet. What GENIUS from Brock Lesnar! Slalom in the box, he sits the keeper down and prods it in. GOAL!

Brock Lesnar sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Usain Bolt snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. David Raya waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Oh no, it's in! Dakar Teranga FC punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

David Raya rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Bobby Moore jumps on his back, David Raya is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. David Raya getting right in the face of the opposition keeper, towering over the defenders. GOOOOAL! Roman Reigns meets the cross from John Cena flush and sends the ball into the goal. IMPERIAL header!

David Raya finds Brock Lesnar with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Lay-off from Brock Lesnar to Bobby Moore, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Bobby Moore looks for Brock Lesnar with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. Magnificent reading of the game from Bobby Moore, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Monumental ball from Bobby Moore to Aaron Judge, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. The baseball player bends the ball into the box for Gareth Edwards. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

The physio works on Gareth Edwards's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Gareth Edwards, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Scottie Scheffler, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. A lovely aside — David Raya spent a rainy bank holiday assembling flat-pack furniture and documented the entire thing on Instagram Stories. It took nine hours, two breakdowns, and a trip to B&Q. At 184, he couldn't even fit the Allen key in his hand properly. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Roman Reigns is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

David Raya opts for the short option to Scottie Scheffler, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Scottie Scheffler explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Scottie Scheffler chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, Lamine Yamal is under the dropping ball.

Bo Jackson spreads the play and finds Roman Reigns in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. NO GOAL! Roman Reigns was a toe offside when Usain Bolt released the pass. Agonising! David Raya smashes a volley towards Aaron Judge, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. The executive producer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Pull-back from John Cena, Roman Reigns has the ball and all the time in the world to pick his spot. The professional wrestler has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Usain Bolt shifts it to Bobby Moore with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Sharp turn from Bobby Moore, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Cut-back from Bobby Moore along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Gareth Edwards centrally. Gareth Edwards feeds Bo Jackson in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Bobby Moore goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap.

It was bound to happen. Dakar Teranga FC score and honestly, we deserved that.

Rehearsed move all week: David Raya and Lamine Yamal stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. David Raya plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. John Cena changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Lamine Yamal. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

1-1 and off we go. Gareth Edwards hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. David Raya does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. The mixed martial arts fighter finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Roman Reigns clean through. Pure genius from that position. GOOOAL from the professional wrestler! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Brock Lesnar dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Bobby Moore can't breathe he's laughing so hard. David Raya claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

David Raya slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. John Cena photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Lamine Yamal holds it up and plays to Bobby Moore on the short corner, patient build-up to disrupt the defensive shape. Low pull-back from Bobby Moore across the turf, Scottie Scheffler controls and shoots in one movement. The golfer prods home the cross from Lamine Yamal from 4 yards! GOAL! In that position, that positional sense is pure gold.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Lamine Yamal, arms out like an aeroplane. Aaron Judge follows in like he's skiing. David Raya arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Brock Lesnar shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Scottie Scheffler. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Scottie Scheffler goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. David Raya hoofs it forward towards Lamine Yamal, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Elastico from the professional wrestler, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. No joy for Roman Reigns, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. Foul by the mixed martial arts fighter, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Brock Lesnar delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Bo Jackson is there to receive.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Brock Lesnar: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Bobby Moore, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Planning records show Brock Lesnar's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 49-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. David Raya picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Rush out from David Raya! He smothers the opponent and gathers the ball. COMPOSURE of an exceptional keeper. Clearance from Usain Bolt under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. The professional wrestler lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Quick throw from David Raya to Lamine Yamal out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Aaron Judge swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Lamine Yamal, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The defender sacrifices himself and blocks Lamine Yamal's strike! Takes the full force of the shot.

Gareth Edwards fires the ball over to Usain Bolt with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Usain Bolt goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Usain Bolt clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Usain Bolt throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Usain Bolt sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Bobby Moore. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Bobby Moore launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Bobby Moore was flying. Bobby Moore jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel.

Long kick from David Raya, Aaron Judge positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Brilliant interception from Aaron Judge, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Raid from Scottie Scheffler starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Wide from the golfer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

Level. Usain Bolt picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. David Raya waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Wall pass between the mixed martial arts fighter and Gareth Edwards, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. BOOOM the mixed martial arts fighter rocks the net! In that position, when you draw a strike like that, the whole stadium is on its feet. GOAL!

Driven kick from David Raya to Roman Reigns, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Roman Reigns rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Roman Reigns absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Phenomenal leap from Lamine Yamal who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Lamine Yamal slides it to Usain Bolt, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Scottie Scheffler spots Brock Lesnar in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Enormous leap from the mixed martial arts fighter who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Brock Lesnar throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Bobby Moore is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Bobby Moore was barely on his way up.

And there it is, Lagos No-Carry-Last score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Corner from Lamine Yamal, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box. The golfer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Superb diagonal from the golfer to Aaron Judge, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Superb tackle from the baseball player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night.

Tactical debate in the corner. Gareth Edwards wants to push higher. Roman Reigns reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Roman Reigns, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Teammates were gobsmacked when Gareth Edwards revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 79, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' Right then, part two. Bo Jackson adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

The free kick is played as a short pass by Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar picks it up and drives forward. The mixed martial arts fighter winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Bo Jackson spots the gap and sends Scottie Scheffler into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Usain Bolt. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. GO ON Brock Lesnar! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists! Corner from Brock Lesnar into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away.

Bobby Moore lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Aaron Judge down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Aaron Judge breaks through but the flag is already up. Scottie Scheffler's ball came just too late. David Raya distributes by hand to Bo Jackson on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Massive diagonal from Bo Jackson! Roman Reigns receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The corner from Brock Lesnar is perfect, Roman Reigns heads it but it misses the target. David Raya takes his time and plays it short to Aaron Judge. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Overlap from the baseball player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Aaron Judge drills a low ball back for John Cena, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

David Raya goes long for Bo Jackson, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Bo Jackson drops a lofted ball to Roman Reigns, it sails over the entire midfield line. Roman Reigns plays it simple to Lamine Yamal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Bobby Moore launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The mixed martial arts fighter fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team.

Perfect parity. Gareth Edwards slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Usain Bolt watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

The professional wrestler presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Roman Reigns nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. Roman Reigns gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

David Raya sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Roman Reigns, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Royal interception from Bobby Moore! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. OOOOH the MONSTER strike from Scottie Scheffler! On the pass from Roman Reigns, he unleashes an unstoppable missile!

Bobby Moore dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Scottie Scheffler slips Brock Lesnar in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The mixed martial arts fighter shifts Gareth Edwards into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. The rugby union player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Holding foul by the rugby union player, grabs the attacker by the arm. Free kick.

Lamine Yamal delivers an inswinging free kick, Usain Bolt at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Usain Bolt is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. OHHH the save from David Raya! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY.

The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. The professional wrestler gets to the byline and floats one in for Bo Jackson. Crossing is his bread and butter. Bo Jackson loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Aaron Judge. "That is your job. 34 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Brock Lesnar has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 49, the 196-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. David Raya sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Diagonal from Brock Lesnar to Bo Jackson, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Bo Jackson links up with Usain Bolt, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Free kick conceded by Usain Bolt, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Usain Bolt does not fancy the shot and goes short to Roman Reigns, trying to disorganise the defence.

David Raya sparks the transition with a quick throw to Gareth Edwards, the break is lightning fast. Gareth Edwards unleashes a raking ball out to Roman Reigns, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The professional wrestler beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Free kick from Roman Reigns, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Gareth Edwards is onto it! Superb leap from Gareth Edwards who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Gareth Edwards to Brock Lesnar, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Brock Lesnar does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

It's a goal for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Solidarity move: David Raya grabs Bobby Moore who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Bobby Moore a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Lamine Yamal fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds. Gareth Edwards puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears. Massive clearance from the golfer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

John Cena gifts Aaron Judge a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. The baseball player jumps the gun on Scottie Scheffler's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Short build-up from Roman Reigns to Bo Jackson, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Draw against Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Usain Bolt kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. David Raya does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Lamine Yamal presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Lamine Yamal winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

Lamine Yamal places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Gareth Edwards falls to his knees bowing. David Raya does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Nice combination started by the golfer from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Brock Lesnar beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. The mixed martial arts fighter lays it off first time to Bobby Moore, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Neat one-two between Bobby Moore and Gareth Edwards, simple, beautiful, and above all effective.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. David Raya plucks the cross like a proper keeper. No frills, just pure efficiency. The keeper is calm. David Raya plays out from the back with Gareth Edwards, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The rugby union player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Bobby Moore. Pure quality, as per usual.

The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. Tremendous work from Bo Jackson who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal.

Corner from Brock Lesnar, Bo Jackson heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! Gareth Edwards heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Good ball from Roman Reigns to Lamine Yamal, playing it quick between the lines. Smooth transition from Lamine Yamal to Roman Reigns, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Usain Bolt is leaning back with {his} feet up, 196 cm of pure relaxation. Bobby Moore is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. David Raya once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 31, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Scottie Scheffler leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. The rugby union player opens up to Bo Jackson on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. SHOOOOOT from Bo Jackson, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Pull-back from Lamine Yamal towards John Cena on the penalty spot, that is an absolute offering. The executive producer blazes it over with the goal wide open! Roman Reigns had given him everything. In that position, a miss like that can cost you the match and your confidence. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Short distribution from David Raya to Gareth Edwards, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The rugby union player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Oh what a challenge! Usain Bolt goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train.

The corner from Roman Reigns is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Crossfield pass from Usain Bolt to John Cena, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. John Cena keeps it short to Bo Jackson, no frills, just good football intelligence. Bo Jackson charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous.

Intense pressing from Roman Reigns, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Roman Reigns plays the simple ball to Usain Bolt, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Acceleration from Usain Bolt down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Usain Bolt completely miscues his cross, the ball ends up in the stands. Not his night.

It's all over and it's OURS! Aaron Judge leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Lamine Yamal picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

The referee awards a penalty for the rugby union player! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. That is CRUEL! Gareth Edwards's penalty hits the woodwork and comes back into play. No goal. GOOOAL from the mixed martial arts fighter at point-blank range! In that position, knowing how to be RIGHT on the penalty spot at the right moment is what makes you indispensable.

Bobby Moore reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Bobby Moore threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Aaron Judge bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. BOOOM the baseball player pops up and prods it in! In that position, that nose for goal cannot be taught, it is in the genes. GOAL!

Superb defensive work from Usain Bolt there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. CRAAACKER from Brock Lesnar outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over.

Bobby Moore clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Brock Lesnar lays it off first time to John Cena, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. John Cena links a one-two with Aaron Judge, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection.

It's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

David Raya scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Brock Lesnar is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Scottie Scheffler, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Scottie Scheffler takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Club sources confirm Roman Reigns has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 41, the 192-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. David Raya is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Firm pass from Usain Bolt into Bo Jackson, right into the boots. No waste. Bo Jackson fires a low ball back across the box for Aaron Judge, the defence is caught wrong-footed. The baseball player wastes the gift from Bobby Moore, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Panicked clearance from Usain Bolt, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Bo Jackson gives it to Usain Bolt into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Usain Bolt gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Scottie Scheffler just needs to sidefoot it home. Scottie Scheffler makes a complete mess of it in front of the empty net! Aaron Judge had done everything and he has thrown it away. Unbelievable.

Sombrero from Bo Jackson right inside the box, the audacity is outrageous. The defender will not recover from that. Bo Jackson spreads it to Roman Reigns, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. SHOOOOT from Roman Reigns... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Monster clearance from David Raya, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Bobby Moore.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Gareth Edwards clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Masterful aerial duel from Usain Bolt, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Usain Bolt picks out Roman Reigns with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Marseille turn from Bo Jackson, he spins on the spot and leaves his man for dead. Pure class. Bo Jackson takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Bo Jackson sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

Lamine Yamal rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Bobby Moore. The far side is completely deserted. Bobby Moore wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Little shift from Bobby Moore to Scottie Scheffler, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Stalemate at home. David Raya and Aaron Judge embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Brilliant switch of play from Gareth Edwards! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Scottie Scheffler. Overlap and cross from Scottie Scheffler, the ball drops at the feet of Bo Jackson in the heart of the box. Nooooo Bo Jackson! This is NOT REAL! The ball from Scottie Scheffler comes at him, he panics, gets a horrible touch and it ends up in the back of his own net. Lamentable OG, the bench has their heads in their HANDS.

Long ball from Gareth Edwards to Bo Jackson, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Nutmeg from Bo Jackson on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful.

They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. Huge tackle from Usain Bolt! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Usain Bolt scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

Short restart from David Raya to Brock Lesnar, building from the back nice and tidy. Careless distribution from Brock Lesnar, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Usain Bolt puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery!

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. HEAD-FIRST rush from David Raya! He took every risk going and smothered the ball. HATS OFF! Aaron Judge boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Tactical debate in the corner. Usain Bolt wants to push higher. Aaron Judge reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Aaron Judge, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Nutritionists are baffled by Aaron Judge's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 201 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' Here come the lads. Brock Lesnar jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

The baseball player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Short pass from the baseball player to Bo Jackson, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Bo Jackson forces a pass to Gareth Edwards who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Counters flying in both directions, both keepers on red alert. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. The mixed martial arts fighter finds Aaron Judge in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Burst of pace from Aaron Judge on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

They suffocate the first pass, the opposition goes long and loses it. Bobby Moore steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Bobby Moore triggers a change of flanks for Usain Bolt, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Textbook tackle from Usain Bolt there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

The rugby union player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Gareth Edwards catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

David Raya dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The rugby union player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Bo Jackson goes crossfield to John Cena, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Level score. Usain Bolt screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Gareth Edwards boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-3 (L)

It's a goal! Istanbul Cehennem FK go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Bo Jackson feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. PENALTY awarded by the referee! Bo Jackson has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! Bo Jackson sends the keeper the wrong way from the spot. Did not even flinch.

Bo Jackson mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Lamine Yamal raises Bo Jackson's arm like a referee declaring the winner. David Raya plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Clever short corner from Lamine Yamal to Bo Jackson, they're trying to break the defensive block. Low cut-back from Bo Jackson, Gareth Edwards arrives at pace and can hit it first time. GOOOAL from the rugby union player! Pure poacher's goal. In that position, when you have that instinct, you turn the smallest scraps into gold.

Lamine Yamal scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Scottie Scheffler is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Absolute peach from Scottie Scheffler, threading it through for Bobby Moore, the centre-halves are done for! Bobby Moore winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out! The corner from Bobby Moore is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss.

Sideways ball from Bobby Moore to Scottie Scheffler, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Scottie Scheffler opens up to Bobby Moore on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Looping cross from Bobby Moore, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Lamine Yamal. Danger.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. John Cena, you have barely touched the ball. Usain Bolt, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." A train mix-up saw Bobby Moore end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 85-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Gareth Edwards is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The baseball player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Tidy restart from David Raya along the deck to Bo Jackson, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Bo Jackson launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

David Raya runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Usain Bolt gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Aaron Judge with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! The baseball player plays it simple to Lamine Yamal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Rapid combination: Lamine Yamal to John Cena, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pinpoint delivery from the executive producer towards Bo Jackson, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The cross from Bo Jackson is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! The golfer wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. The golfer lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Usain Bolt pings a ridiculous diagonal to Lamine Yamal. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. The attacker crushes Lamine Yamal in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Lamine Yamal was helpless. John Cena boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Switch from Roman Reigns! The ball arcs over the midfield and Bobby Moore collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Bobby Moore sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. The mixed martial arts fighter does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. One touch football: Brock Lesnar to Gareth Edwards, faster than the opposition can think. Nutmeg from the rugby union player on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role.

Roman Reigns sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Aaron Judge slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Aaron Judge slips Bo Jackson in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Gutting. Bo Jackson throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Bobby Moore picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

What positioning from Aaron Judge! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Delicious through ball from Aaron Judge, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Bo Jackson is there to gobble it up. GOOOOAL! Bo Jackson was on the penalty spot at the right moment. With the tip of his boot he puts the ball in!

Dead defender. Aaron Judge mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. David Raya completes the choreography by collapsing. David Raya arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Lamine Yamal puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Overlap from Roman Reigns on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Roman Reigns slides the ball along the ground for John Cena, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. John Cena shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage.

Aaron Judge slides it to Bobby Moore, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Bobby Moore charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. OHHH Bobby Moore drags the attacker back by the jersey, blatant foul! Booking for Bobby Moore, cynical foul to break up the counter. He accepts the consequences gladly.

It's in the back of the net! Milano Piano-Piano celebrate and our fans are gutted.

David Raya throws it out quickly to Scottie Scheffler, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Scottie Scheffler hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Lob from the golfer over the defensive block for Aaron Judge. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Lamine Yamal's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Lamine Yamal takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Despite the wages, Bobby Moore insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 85 and 177, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' And the second half is go! Aaron Judge charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Oh dear oh dear! Milano Piano-Piano score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

David Raya legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bobby Moore tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Great vision from Gareth Edwards who switches to Lamine Yamal. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Lamine Yamal keeps it short to Roman Reigns, no frills, just good football intelligence. Foul by Roman Reigns in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Roman Reigns rolls the free kick along the ground to Bo Jackson, it is the short routine.

Roman Reigns floats a cross in from the wing for Scottie Scheffler, the ball hangs in the box! Scottie Scheffler throws himself into the air for the volley, it's sublime but it finishes over the bar. Beautiful distribution from David Raya to Lamine Yamal, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

David Raya boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Bo Jackson! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Inch-perfect tackle by Bo Jackson, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Brilliant pass from Bobby Moore! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Brock Lesnar is onto it. Brock Lesnar reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

The baseball player opens up to Brock Lesnar on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Brock Lesnar burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Brock Lesnar plays the simple ball to Bo Jackson, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Bo Jackson slides it to Gareth Edwards, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Gareth Edwards gives it to Roman Reigns and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Gareth Edwards is away.

Crucial intervention from the baseball player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Usain Bolt frees up the entire channel for Bobby Moore with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Bobby Moore drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Roman Reigns is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Bo Jackson powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The referee points to the penalty spot! Bo Jackson has been wrestled to the ground in the box by the defender. CLEAR decision, it is a penalty and this changes EVERYTHING! The referee draws the rectangle in the air, he's going to have a look himself. Huge moment. Bo Jackson went down, but VAR confirms: no penalty! David Raya catapults the ball towards Bo Jackson from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Tough one against Milano Piano-Piano. Bo Jackson and David Raya are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-3 (L)

Acrobatic flick from Bo Jackson to control, the touch is sumptuous. This is entertainment. Bo Jackson goes on a mad run! Dribble after dribble, he plants the defenders and finishes in style. GOAL!

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Ball over the top from Scottie Scheffler, Roman Reigns had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. GOAL for Roman Reigns! The ball was loose after the strike from Scottie Scheffler, he was on the prowl and pokes it in!

Scottie Scheffler mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Brock Lesnar plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. David Raya applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

David Raya lumps it long towards Aaron Judge, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The baseball player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The baseball player finds Roman Reigns along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. OHHH Roman Reigns strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling!

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

David Raya legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bo Jackson tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. That goes very very far from Bo Jackson! The ball practically leaves the stadium, the keeper's laughing. David Raya distributes short to Bo Jackson, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Scottie Scheffler cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Now here's a proper one — John Cena was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 185, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Right then, part two. Gareth Edwards adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Firm pass from Bobby Moore into Gareth Edwards, right into the boots. No waste. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Gareth Edwards switches the play to Scottie Scheffler on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

David Raya fires it out quickly by hand to Bobby Moore, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Bobby Moore wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Little shift from Bobby Moore to John Cena, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. WOOOW John Cena launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

The corner from Lamine Yamal is headed away by the defence at the near post. Well spotted by Scottie Scheffler who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Wing switch from Scottie Scheffler, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and John Cena brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. What a block! John Cena slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest.

One touch football: John Cena to Gareth Edwards, faster than the opposition can think. Gareth Edwards slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Gareth Edwards is booked for repeated fouls. Should have come five minutes ago, honestly. Gareth Edwards strikes the free kick but the defenders in the wall block it. That's the end of that. Instinctive clearance from Aaron Judge who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

David Raya mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Bo Jackson plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. David Raya plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope. Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. The rugby union player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The rugby union player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

What a disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

David Raya mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Scottie Scheffler plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. David Raya plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Stunning tackle by Usain Bolt in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Usain Bolt looks up and launches a long pass towards John Cena. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Roman Reigns stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. David Raya walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Sevilla Olé-Olé are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Scottie Scheffler nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. The golfer bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. GOOOOOOL from Scottie Scheffler! On the pass from Lamine Yamal, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Roman Reigns anticipates the run from Brock Lesnar and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. SHOOOOOOT from Brock Lesnar! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands! Brock Lesnar takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Decisive interception from the baseball player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Dreadful pass from Lamine Yamal, lands three yards away from the target. Roman Reigns can do nothing with that.

Brock Lesnar puts it right into the feet of Scottie Scheffler, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Scottie Scheffler accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Scottie Scheffler wraps his arm around the attacker's waist, cynical foul, free kick given. Scottie Scheffler goes into the book for a professional foul. Stopped the break dead, no regrets.

Oh that's heartbreaking! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score right on the stroke of half-time.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Brock Lesnar, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. Remarkable little detail about Bo Jackson — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 64 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Gareth Edwards takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The referee's whistle goes against Bo Jackson, caught the opponent late. The free kick is taken quickly, Bo Jackson to Aaron Judge who drives forward immediately. Body feint from the baseball player, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Effort from Aaron Judge, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Lamine Yamal beautifully lobs the defence with a chipped cross, Scottie Scheffler is there to finish. Scottie Scheffler tries a swivelling volley, spectacular in intent but the ball flies away from the frame. Beautiful miss. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. Deflected shot from the professional wrestler, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. The cross from Brock Lesnar is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Lifesaving clearance from Gareth Edwards! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

It's there! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

David Raya mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Bo Jackson plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. David Raya plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

David Raya plays it short to Bobby Moore, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Bobby Moore sends an aerial beauty to Aaron Judge, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. The baseball player lays it off first time to Gareth Edwards, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

David Raya plays out from the back with Roman Reigns, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Roman Reigns is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. David Raya flies horizontally and claws the shot away! Dive worthy of a poster. Sublime. Bo Jackson heads the corner from Brock Lesnar at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

Short restart from David Raya to Roman Reigns, building from the back nice and tidy. Change of flanks from Roman Reigns, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Scottie Scheffler. Scottie Scheffler curls a cross to the near post, Gareth Edwards is lurking in the box.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Brock Lesnar stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Lamine Yamal walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

The executive producer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Perfect pull-back from John Cena, Gareth Edwards receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. GOOOOOAL for Gareth Edwards! On the genius pass from Scottie Scheffler, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Magnificent tackle from Aaron Judge! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Phenomenal run from Aaron Judge, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. GOAL! The baseball player chips the ball over the keeper! In that position, that audacity and composure is what sets you apart from the rest. SUMPTUOUS lob, that is WORLD CLASS!

Lamine Yamal shifts it to Bobby Moore with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Bobby Moore lays it off first time to Lamine Yamal, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Good ball from Lamine Yamal to Bo Jackson, playing it quick between the lines.

David Raya distributes short to Scottie Scheffler, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Scottie Scheffler changes the point of attack with a raking pass to John Cena. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The executive producer whips in a classic cross for Brock Lesnar in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The pile at the corner flag. David Raya is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. David Raya arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Bo Jackson cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" And finally — Aaron Judge was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 201, nobody questioned it. The man is 34 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Back on the pitch and Roman Reigns is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Gareth Edwards absolutely legs it back to catch the attacker and gets there just in time. What an effort. OHHHH David Raya makes the right call! He comes out head-first and grabs the ball at the feet! The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable.

Bobby Moore lays it off first time to Roman Reigns, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Dummy from Roman Reigns, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Roman Reigns barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. The referee reaches for his pocket. Yellow card for Roman Reigns, a nasty foul from behind. Roman Reigns takes his free kick and the wall does its job. Blocked, no worries.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The executive producer plays it simple to Scottie Scheffler, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The golfer catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline.

The mixed martial arts fighter produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. Brock Lesnar accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Good run from Brock Lesnar who crosses to the near post for Scottie Scheffler. The defender is beaten to it. Oh no Scottie Scheffler fluffs his header! The cross from Bo Jackson was inch-perfect but it goes over. David Raya distributes short to Bo Jackson, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Brock Lesnar plays the free kick short to Lamine Yamal, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard. Lamine Yamal shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Shot miles off from the executive producer, flies into the stands. In that role, these things happen, just needs to find the range next time.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

David Raya slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Scottie Scheffler photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Lovely cross from the mixed martial arts fighter on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Bo Jackson crosses from the right but the defender blocks it with his shins. It is not getting through.

That hurts. Brock Lesnar leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. David Raya stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Brock Lesnar nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.