My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Donald Trump. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 190 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Donald Trump. The man. Is. An investor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An investor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their portfolio ledger and apparently, the technical motion of an investor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-129 (L)
Donald Trump starts in the shooting guard! Playing the shooting guard the way an investor plays with their portfolio ledger!
Donald Trump misses from the corner! On the low block is no place for their portfolio ledger!
Hasbulla dribbles into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
This league veteran Hasbulla bites on the fake! Beaten at half court!
This dude putting the league on notice Hasbulla fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
End of the first half. Ben Tennyson is beet red but still standing. True story: Ben Tennyson had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This household name Barack Obama misfires again! Limited stamina could cost the team!
Hasbulla drags their feet! Heavy as their ring light at the end of a shift!
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
Hasbulla slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an internet celebrity hits the workbench!
Ben Tennyson absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, an association football player knows tough days!
Ben Tennyson's lip is trembling. Hasbulla dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-129 (L)
Barack Obama, this franchise cornerstone, embraces the cathedral silence! Game on!
This absolute legend Donald Trump muscles up a two-handed slam but can't get it to fall!
Donald Trump commits the live-ball turnover! Their portfolio ledger would be ashamed!
Barack Obama gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the neighborhood on a rough day!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Barack Obama stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Cut! Halftime. Barack Obama's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Locker room anecdote: Barack Obama talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Hasbulla with the off-balance reverse layup! This established player couldn't set the feet!
Ben Tennyson, this dude out of nowhere, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Ben Tennyson throws their hands up! Like an association football player when their football boots breaks!
Ben Tennyson consoles teammates! The heart of an association football player in that moment!
Donald Trump refuses Miami Heart-Attack's handshake. Barack Obama offers a limp one with just his fingertips. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
74-118 (L)
Opening possession for Barack Obama! First touch, like first touch of their bullhorn!
Hasbulla off the back iron! Hard miss, even an internet celebrity cringes at that!
Ben Tennyson crosses over the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hidden prospect!
Hasbulla can't stay in front! Captivating the algorithm doesn't build lateral quickness!
Donald Trump dunks angrily after the turnover! This undisputed superstar spiraling!
Rest. Hasbulla buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. They say Hasbulla eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Ben Tennyson, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Limited stamina!
Hasbulla, this smooth operator, laboring up and down! Hot head draining the energy!
Donald Trump throws it into the stands! What was that from this household name!
Ben Tennyson pulls up the towel! This total unknown showing shaky emotions under pressure!
Donald Trump goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This franchise cornerstone will learn from this.
Donald Trump's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Barack Obama hides his eyes under a towel. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
78-122 (L)
Ben Tennyson takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
A buzzer beater attempt by Ben Tennyson falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Donald Trump throws it out of bounds! Like launching their portfolio ledger into the void!
Ben Tennyson watches helplessly! An association football player watching the winning goal fall off the shelf!
This hooper's hooper Hasbulla shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Barack Obama walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Barack Obama tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Ben Tennyson can't convert! The association football player's touch with the winning goal deserted them!
Barack Obama looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a community organizer relieved of their bullhorn!
Ben Tennyson coughs it up! An association football player's grip doesn't work on the ball!
Barack Obama can't mask the disappointment! This first-ballot legend wearing it on the sleeve!
This well-respected player Hasbulla tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
82-127 (L)
This hungry young player Ben Tennyson means business! Fast start at half court!
Donald Trump forces a buzzer-beater at the buzzer! This once-in-a-lifetime player trying too hard!
Intercepted! Barack Obama's pass snatched right out of the air! A community organizer would never be that careless!
Barack Obama loses the screen battle! Ego the size of Texas around the picks!
Hasbulla, this swiss-army-knife type, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!
The players head in. Hasbulla slips on the wet tunnel floor. Confession: Hasbulla believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Hasbulla misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Barack Obama misses from fatigue! This living legend can't get the elevation in the paint!
Ben Tennyson with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost association football player!
Barack Obama kicks the air! The frustration of a community organizer who knows they can do better!
Ben Tennyson wipes a tear! An association football player who poured everything into the effort!
Hasbulla watches the crowd file out in silence. Donald Trump prefers not to look. Tonight I had a revelation: Donald Trump runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-134 (L)
This global icon Barack Obama opens the scoring! A floater! Early advantage!
Ben Tennyson, this smooth operator, gets the look but can't convert from way beyond the arc!
Hasbulla loses the basketball! An internet celebrity would never be this careless!
Barack Obama, this all-around player, gets exploited in the switch! Occasional mental lapses exposed in the mismatch!
Ben Tennyson, this hidden prospect, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Barack Obama asks for an ice pack. I've been told Barack Obama once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Barack Obama shoots the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Tendency to force bad shots!
Ben Tennyson is huffing and puffing! Winded, even an association football player would call it quits!
Ben Tennyson loses possession! The winning goal never leaves an association football player's hands like that!
Ben Tennyson pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The association football player in them is showing!
Donald Trump packs up and heads out! Packing their portfolio ledger, unpacking emotions!
Hasbulla mutters 'damn' under his breath. Barack Obama says 'yeah' in the same tone. Evening confession: I'm wearing Hasbulla's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
82-127 (L)
Barack Obama locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a community organizer who means business!
Donald Trump misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the next venture!
This household name Donald Trump commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
Ben Tennyson left in the dust! Even an association football player moves faster than that!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Halftime whistle! Ben Tennyson slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Ben Tennyson tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Ben Tennyson clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their football boots hitting the winning goal!
Ben Tennyson labors up the court! Trudging like an association football player dragging the winning goal!
This up-and-coming baller Hasbulla with turnover number lengths ahead! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
This absolute legend Barack Obama throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Barack Obama sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a community organizer after their bullhorn broke!
Ben Tennyson scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hasbulla has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
82-127 (L)
Hasbulla, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
Barack Obama bricks it! Not the same accuracy as rallying the neighborhood!
Donald Trump gets the ball stripped! The next venture would have stayed in an investor's grip!
Hasbulla gets posterized! An internet celebrity framed by their ring light in the worst way!
Hasbulla drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an internet celebrity's spirit has limits!
First half is done. Ben Tennyson is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Ben Tennyson slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
This certified GOAT candidate Barack Obama puts up a free throw but it won't fall! Off night!
Donald Trump gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like an investor begging the next venture for mercy!
Ben Tennyson, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the ball!
Hasbulla is visibly upset! Upset as an internet celebrity when the algorithm goes sideways!
This generational talent Donald Trump shakes hands and moves on. In the end, sometimes predictable game proved costly.
Hasbulla's gaze is cold, distant. Barack Obama's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-128 (L)
The game begins and Barack Obama is ready! You can see next-level basketball IQ written all over his face!
Donald Trump fires away the leather into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Ben Tennyson throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure in the paint!
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even an investor couldn't stop that!
Ben Tennyson shakes their head! An association football player who can't believe that just happened!
Both teams head in. Donald Trump has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. I've been told Donald Trump once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Hasbulla misfires again! Having the algorithm-shaped night!
Hasbulla struggles in the second half! The internet celebrity hitting the wall with the algorithm!
Turnover by Donald Trump! Bankrolling the next venture requires less coordination, clearly!
This diamond in the rough Ben Tennyson gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Barack Obama gave it everything! Everything a community organizer has, left on the court!
Donald Trump looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Barack Obama looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
74-119 (L)
The field house welcomes Barack Obama! The community organizer with the neighborhood has arrived!
Hasbulla fires a step-back three from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
Hasbulla with the careless pass! Captivating the algorithm with more care, please!
Barack Obama turns the head and loses the man! This household name napping defensively!
Hasbulla walks away muttering! Muttering about the algorithm under their breath!
Break! Hasbulla has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Rumor has it Hasbulla talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Donald Trump misses the open look! This first-ballot legend can't believe it! Tendency to rush!
Barack Obama is visibly tired! This certified GOAT candidate needs a timeout badly!
Barack Obama throws it away! A pass worse than a community organizer tossing the neighborhood!
Barack Obama glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this community organizer!
This franchise cornerstone Donald Trump congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this franchise cornerstone.
Hasbulla's gaze is cold, distant. Ben Tennyson's gaze is hot, angry. I got a text from Hasbulla after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-128 (L)
Barack Obama checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Hasbulla, this smooth operator, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Hasbulla turns it over on a strategic timeout! An internet celebrity dropping their ring light at the worst time!
Ben Tennyson, this swiss-army-knife type, lets the shooter get free under the basket! Costly lapse!
Donald Trump picks up the second technical! This hall-of-fame lock ejected! Heavy feet!
Intermission. Barack Obama dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Rumor has it Barack Obama talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Hasbulla fires and misses from the low block. Should have stuck with the algorithm!
Donald Trump misses the rotation! Too tired, like an investor too tired for the next venture!
Ben Tennyson with the backcourt violation! This newcomer under too much pressure!
Barack Obama, this solid build, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!
Hasbulla, this league veteran, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
Hasbulla bites his lip, fists clenched. Ben Tennyson shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-133 (L)
Ben Tennyson bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Ben Tennyson misses the open look! An association football player never misses the winning goal... But misses the pill!
Barack Obama trips up in the high post! A community organizer never trips at work... Right?
Barack Obama reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Ben Tennyson shoots and kicks the stanchion! This potential breakout star losing composure!
Well-deserved break. Hasbulla looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know? Hasbulla has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Donald Trump can't convert the open shot! Bankrolling the next venture is way easier!
Barack Obama jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for rallying the neighborhood tomorrow!
This potential breakout star Ben Tennyson dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Barack Obama can't hide the frustration! Their bullhorn frustration meets the leather frustration!
Hasbulla dunks past the media. This league veteran not in the mood to talk.
Donald Trump walks head down toward the tunnel. Barack Obama drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
Donald Trump gets the starting nod! An investor starting with their portfolio ledger confidence!
Ben Tennyson misses! Even an association football player can't fix that shot!
Barack Obama passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
Ben Tennyson fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an association football player chasing the winning goal!
Ben Tennyson mutters to himself walking back! This hidden prospect fighting inner demons!
Halftime. Ben Tennyson's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Confession: Ben Tennyson believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Donald Trump misses the free throw! Bankrolling the next venture under pressure is easier!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Ben Tennyson gets picked! An association football player getting the winning goal stolen in broad daylight!
Hasbulla looks to the heavens! An internet celebrity praying for their ring light to work!
Hasbulla shakes hands through the pain! An internet celebrity who respects their ring light and the game!
Donald Trump and Ben Tennyson share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-131 (L)
Hasbulla looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
Ben Tennyson bobbles and misses! Fumbling the orange like it's a Monday morning!
Donald Trump with a wild pass that sails out! This hall-of-fame lock giving it away!
Hasbulla can't contain the drive! Captivating the algorithm is more containable!
Hasbulla storms to the bench! Heated! This internet celebrity doesn't handle losing well!
The players leave the court. Hasbulla clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: Hasbulla slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Brick! Ben Tennyson misfires off the pick and roll! Hot head at the worst time!
Hasbulla gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from captivating the algorithm and hooping!
Ben Tennyson with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the winning goal!
Donald Trump buries their face! Hidden from view, the investor can't watch!
Donald Trump tips the cap to the winners! The investor's grace with the next venture!
Donald Trump's gaze is cold, distant. Barack Obama's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-131 (L)
This up-and-coming baller Hasbulla catches the damn ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This player on the come-up Hasbulla misses the mark! A deep three goes begging at half court!
This name that's buzzing Hasbulla forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Barack Obama gets caught flat-footed! This global icon beaten to the spot!
Donald Trump storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
The players leave the court. Hasbulla clings to the tunnel railing. True story: Hasbulla walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Awkward. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Ben Tennyson with the ugly miss! The association football player touch is absent tonight!
Donald Trump gulps water! As thirsty as an investor reaching for the next venture!
Barack Obama turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this community organizer!
Donald Trump gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Ben Tennyson takes the loss hard! Hard as the winning goal on a bad association football player day!
Donald Trump leaves the court at a jog. Ben Tennyson stays there, planted at center court, motionless. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
Season journal
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