My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. The chef's surprise of the evening is Goku. A farmer by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle stubborn soil with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-122 (L)
Goku steps onto the gym! From cultivating the stubborn soil to this, game time!
Dave Blunts, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!
Goku loses possession! The stubborn soil never leaves a farmer's hands like that!
Dave Blunts gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
LeBron James, this household name, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!
End of the second quarter. Dave Blunts is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. I've been told Dave Blunts once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Robert Wadlow misfires driving to the hoop! Their bare hands calibration needed!
This multi-time All-Star Goku signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Despite the loss, Goku held their own with the stubborn soil! The farmer fought!
LeBron James clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Goku fidgets with his wristband nervously. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-107 (W)
LeBron James, this giant, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
Jesus Christ pulls up and drills a tear drop! Can't teach that!
Jesus Christ picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure messiah reflexes!
Robert Wadlow with the bounce pass! The Wilson bouncing with precision worthy of their bare hands!
Robert Wadlow sets the screen with precision worthy of their bare hands! Tactical genius!
The players leave the court. LeBron James clings to the tunnel railing. I've been told LeBron James always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Robert Wadlow cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this circus performer!
A cathedral silence as Jesus Christ warms up with some messiah moves!
Robert Wadlow rallies everyone! The rally of a circus performer rallying around the game!
Tears in the crowd as Dave Blunts, the humble rapper, delivers at the jump ball!
This All-Star caliber talent Goku seals the deal! Victory with eyes in the back of the head!
Goku and Jesus Christ play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Goku loses. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-97 (W)
Jesus Christ takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Robert Wadlow penetrates and it's a sky hook! This bonafide star proving the doubters wrong!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
This dark horse Dave Blunts with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Robert Wadlow goes small-ball! Adapting like a circus performer who reads the room!
Break! Jesus Christ grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Goku converts a tough two-handed slam from downtown! Skill level: elite!
The jumbotron shows Dave Blunts's rapper highlight reel! What a career!
This established star Robert Wadlow runs the basketball patiently! Searching for the perfect shot!
Jesus Christ embodies the spirit of every messiah who ever dreamed of a bucket!
Robert Wadlow hangs up the headband! Calling it a night, the circus performer is done!
Robert Wadlow pretends to plant a flag at center court. LeBron James stands at attention. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-109 (L)
Dave Blunts locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a rapper who means business!
Goku, this elite player, comes up empty! A pull-up jumper off target driving to the hoop!
This max-contract guy Robert Wadlow with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
LeBron James gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Jesus Christ drains it! Emptying the tank like a messiah on double shift!
Halftime whistle. Robert Wadlow high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Robert Wadlow got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Dave Blunts storms to the bench! Heated! This rapper doesn't handle losing well!
LeBron James spins but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
Goku reads the defense perfectly! Nerves of steel and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This living legend Jesus Christ has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
LeBron James claps his hands in frustration. Robert Wadlow clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-117 (L)
The game begins and Goku is ready! You can see an off-the-charts basketball IQ written all over his face!
Robert Wadlow misfires! The circus performer's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
LeBron James shoots the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
Goku gets posted up and scored on! This established star overpowered!
Goku floats one in from the low block! Delicate as a farmer with the seed dibber!
Halftime! LeBron James looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Confession: LeBron James tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Break's over, the players take their positions.
LeBron James dunks and kicks the stanchion! This undisputed superstar losing composure!
Jesus Christ can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a messiah always hits!
Goku reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this farmer!
Goku calls for the sub! Even a farmer's stamina with the seed dibber has limits!
This unknown gem Dave Blunts leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Robert Wadlow rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Goku picks up his own and folds it carefully. I got a text from Robert Wadlow after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-110 (L)
LeBron James, this titan, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
LeBron James buries a devastating dunk under the basket! This undisputed superstar is on fire tonight!
Jesus Christ gets posterized! A messiah framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
LeBron James, this big fella, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
LeBron James, this big fella, energizes the crowd! A boiling cauldron! Comeback vibes!
Halftime! Robert Wadlow checks his stats on the board and winces. Anecdote: Robert Wadlow fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
This All-Star caliber talent Robert Wadlow fouls in the clutch! Tendency to force bad shots showing late!
Robert Wadlow drives angrily after the turnover! This All-Star caliber talent spiraling!
LeBron James has found another gear! This potential GOAT shifting into overdrive!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, gets blocked in the clutch! A defensive stop denies this basketball god!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, hangs the head. Tough loss despite next-level basketball IQ effort.
Robert Wadlow isolates in a corner, back against the wall. LeBron James tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-125 (L)
Dave Blunts gets the starting nod! A rapper starting with their hot mic confidence!
Robert Wadlow, this max-contract guy, fumbles the finish under the basket! Back to the drawing board!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Robert Wadlow beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a circus performer!
Jesus Christ treats the Spalding like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for a messiah!
Heading in. Robert Wadlow's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Staff confession: Robert Wadlow is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Robert Wadlow mouths off on the inbound pass! A circus performer venting about the game!
Dave Blunts puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their hot mic can save that!
Robert Wadlow calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's circus performer mentality!
This living legend LeBron James can't close out! The legs are shot from the left corner!
Robert Wadlow, this walking skyscraper, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ chews his nails on the bench. Goku stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
87-117 (L)
Dave Blunts announces themselves! The rapper has arrived and the building knows it!
The rim rejects Goku! The rim says no! Even a farmer gets rejected sometimes!
Dave Blunts turns it over in the key! Butterfingers from this rapper!
Jesus Christ turns the head and loses the man! This all-time great napping defensively!
Jesus Christ pops the jumper! Clean as their bare hands after a polish!
Back to the locker room. Robert Wadlow punches his locker. Confession: Robert Wadlow tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This global icon LeBron James shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ misses the mark! A buzzer beater goes begging in transition!
Goku overloads one side! Loading up with farmer strategy!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Robert Wadlow, this big-name player, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ shakes Robert Wadlow's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
75-119 (L)
LeBron James, this tree of a man, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Dave Blunts misses! Even a rapper can't fix that shot!
Dave Blunts with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the fiery bars!
Jesus Christ gets screened out of the play! This generational talent lost in traffic!
Goku stares in disbelief! The look of a farmer who just lost everything!
Halftime! Jesus Christ has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
LeBron James is gassed! This once-in-a-lifetime player bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!
Goku forces the pass! Forcing the seed dibber where it doesn't fit!
Robert Wadlow glares at the scoreboard! This guy everybody knows not happy with the situation!
Robert Wadlow walks off in defeat! Even a circus performer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Goku mutters 'damn' under his breath. Dave Blunts says 'yeah' in the same tone. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
95-97 (L)
Goku bounces the Spalding pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Robert Wadlow muscles through for a hook shot! The strength of a circus performer moving the game!
Dave Blunts gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the fiery bars on a rough day!
Goku gets a clean look but tendency to rush costs the bucket!
Robert Wadlow with the steal that changes everything! Their bare hands reflexes!
Halftime! Dave Blunts has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Dave Blunts once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Goku gets stripped on the decisive possession! Stripped of the leather like a farmer stripped of the seed dibber!
LeBron James mutters to himself walking back! This hall-of-fame lock fighting inner demons!
The evolution of Robert Wadlow: competing the game taught patience. The palace of hoops taught glory!
Jesus Christ misses the wide-open three! Their bare hands left behind on this one!
Dave Blunts sits alone on the bench. This who-is-this-guy player processing the defeat.
Jesus Christ unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Goku runs a hand down his face. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
102-116 (L)
Robert Wadlow sets the tone early! The circus performer came to play tonight!
Robert Wadlow shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A circus performer lost in the noise!
Turnover by Dave Blunts! Spitting the fiery bars requires less coordination, clearly!
Goku left in the dust! Even a farmer moves faster than that!
Jesus Christ, this household name, knifes through for a buzzer-beater from way beyond the arc! Wow!
Players head to the locker room. LeBron James has tape on three fingers. Did you know LeBron James entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! This living legend is visibly upset!
This global icon LeBron James shanks a step-back three from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
Goku adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a farmer with the stubborn soil!
Goku grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than the seed dibber in the workshop!
Robert Wadlow takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad circus performer day!
Jesus Christ watches the crowd file out in silence. Goku prefers not to look. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-109 (L)
Jesus Christ lands the first hook shot! First blood! The messiah strikes first!
A bucket from LeBron James catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Robert Wadlow charges right into the defender! Turnover! Lack of consistency when controlling pace!
Goku can't stay in front! Cultivating the stubborn soil doesn't build lateral quickness!
Robert Wadlow answers back with a layup! Eyes in the back of the head under pressure!
Back to the locker room. Robert Wadlow punches his locker. Juicy intel: Robert Wadlow turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Dave Blunts looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
Goku misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the stubborn soil!
This global icon LeBron James uses the floater over this tree of a man coverage! Smart!
Robert Wadlow, this absolute unit, with tired legs back to the basket! Injury-prone body slowing this elite player down!
Jesus Christ gave it everything! Everything a messiah has, left on the court!
Jesus Christ rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Goku picks up his own and folds it carefully. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-132 (L)
Dave Blunts gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a rapper on day one!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Jesus Christ coughs it up! A messiah's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Goku, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free off the pick and roll! Costly lapse!
This guy nobody was talking about Dave Blunts gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ flops into the first available chair. Exclusive info: Jesus Christ is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Robert Wadlow launches from deep and misses! A circus performer's range doesn't apply here!
LeBron James is cramping up! This hall-of-fame lock trying to shake it off! Limited stamina!
Goku throws it away! Tendency to force bad shots under pressure from downtown!
Robert Wadlow buries their face! Hidden from view, the circus performer can't watch!
This raw talent Dave Blunts stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this raw talent wanted.
LeBron James unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Dave Blunts runs a hand down his face. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-120 (L)
Goku, this world-class player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
That one wasn't even close, Robert Wadlow! Stick to competing the game!
LeBron James takes off carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
LeBron James falls asleep on the weak side! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Break! Robert Wadlow heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know Robert Wadlow once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
LeBron James fires a step-back three from the left corner but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to force bad shots taking its toll!
LeBron James with a wild pass that sails out! This undisputed superstar giving it away!
Goku can't hide the frustration! The seed dibber frustration meets the leather frustration!
Goku shakes hands through the pain! A farmer who respects the seed dibber and the game!
Goku stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Robert Wadlow exhales. Again. And again. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
91-124 (L)
LeBron James shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Goku misses the layup! Even the stubborn soil would have gone in easier!
Dave Blunts gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
Goku bites on the fake! Fooled like a farmer by counterfeit the stubborn soil!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Break! Dave Blunts rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. True story: Dave Blunts had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jesus Christ clanks another one off the rim! This generational talent needs to find rhythm!
Jesus Christ is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure messiah stubbornness!
This all-time great LeBron James gets pickpocketed from downtown! Sloppy handling!
Robert Wadlow throws their hands up! Like a circus performer when their bare hands breaks!
Dave Blunts leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a rapper with their hot mic!
Goku leaves the court at a jog. Robert Wadlow stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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