My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Gollum (fantasy) dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Kobbie Mainoo arrives at full pace behind them. Kobbie Mainoo attempts the overhead kick on the delivery from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia and it goes IN! We will be watching this goal for WEEKS, that is a moment of pure GENIUS!

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Miranda Sings runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Aslan joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Lovely use of the ball by Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, finding Gary the Snail in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Virgil van Dijk throws himself at it for a header. Virgil van Dijk goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Effort from Virgil van Dijk, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Edna Turnblad is there to finish. Header lost by Edna Turnblad, the opponent was just too strong. SAVED by Miranda Sings! That strike looked unstoppable but the keeper pulled out a SUPERHUMAN reflex!

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" SpongeBob SquarePants takes the hit without responding. Aslan drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Brilliant little nugget — Edna Turnblad has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here come the lads. Ousmane Dembélé jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

They've scored again! Paris Saint-Glinglin are running riot and we can't cope.

Miranda Sings falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Khvicha Kvaratskhelia arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. The youtuber stretches the leg at the last moment and blocks the strike. In that position, it is that instinctive reflex that wins matches. Quick throw from Miranda Sings to Kobbie Mainoo out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Kobbie Mainoo charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Kobbie Mainoo bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Nuno Mendes wins the aerial battle. Cross from Nuno Mendes far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone. Miranda Sings rolls it short to Gollum (fantasy) into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The cook finds Nuno Mendes along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Magnificent shift from Nuno Mendes! Gollum (fantasy) picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Miranda Sings in the penalty area, arms out wide, calling for the ball. Dominant header from Virgil van Dijk on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Virgil van Dijk slips Ousmane Dembélé in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Gollum (fantasy) gives it to Edna Turnblad into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Cut-back along the deck from Edna Turnblad, Nuno Mendes pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. Nuno Mendes tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

The player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Massive diagonal from Aslan! Edna Turnblad receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Edna Turnblad with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Edna Turnblad fires the ball over to Ousmane Dembélé with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Ousmane Dembélé puts SpongeBob SquarePants into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

That's that, then. Miranda Sings trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Gollum (fantasy) hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-3 (L)

What a game, the ball flying from left to right, nobody in control anymore. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. What a BOOOOOM from Gollum (fantasy)! The ball flies like a bullet and ends up at 60mph in the top corner. GOAL!

Gollum (fantasy) rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Aslan jumps on his back, Miranda Sings is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Ousmane Dembélé flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Kobbie Mainoo pops up and pokes the ball with the tip of his boot, classic striker's goal!

Ousmane Dembélé sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. SpongeBob SquarePants photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

SpongeBob SquarePants boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia gives it to Ousmane Dembélé from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle. Nutmeg from Ousmane Dembélé on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Ousmane Dembélé delivers a tidy ball to Edna Turnblad, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The wall from Virgil van Dijk is perfect for Edna Turnblad who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. Despite the wages, Nuno Mendes insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 24 and 183, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' SpongeBob SquarePants trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Gary the Snail sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Ousmane Dembélé is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Ousmane Dembélé puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Ousmane Dembélé throws himself into a kamikaze tackle and ends up in the advertising boards. The attacker carries on unbothered. Nuno Mendes commits the professional foul. Through on goal, last man — the red card was always coming.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Long ball from Nuno Mendes to Gollum (fantasy), travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

GOAL for México No-Era-Penal! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Miranda Sings sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Gollum (fantasy) photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

The player dinks his cross over the centre-backs for Ousmane Dembélé. The kind of ball that changes the course of a match at the highest level. Ousmane Dembélé connects on the volley and sends it over. What a strike, what a shame. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. SpongeBob SquarePants sends Nuno Mendes into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Marginal offside called on Nuno Mendes, Edna Turnblad's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. VAR has taken control of this match, everything frozen, pulses racing all around the ground.

Nuno Mendes reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Nuno Mendes pings a long diagonal to SpongeBob SquarePants, completely shifts the point of attack. Overlap from the cook with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Wasted cross from SpongeBob SquarePants, the keeper collects easily in his six-yard box. No danger whatsoever. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

And that's a goal! México No-Era-Penal extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Miranda Sings ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Gary the Snail leaps over him. Miranda Sings walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Gollum (fantasy) produces a piece of skill that will live long in the memory, the entire ground is in raptures. Gollum (fantasy) accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. The cross from Gollum (fantasy) is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless.

It's done. México No-Era-Penal win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Virgil van Dijk and SpongeBob SquarePants walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Lob from the player over the defensive block for Nuno Mendes. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision. Nuno Mendes executes a PERFECT scissor kick! The cross from Gollum (fantasy) arrives, he coordinates his body to PERFECTION and sends the ball into the far top corner! GOAL! Standing ovation, even from the opposition!

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. What a sacrifice from Virgil van Dijk! Puts in a 40-yard sprint to get back and help his defence. Trip by Virgil van Dijk, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick.

Defenders don't know what to do, wave after relentless wave. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia spots the gap and sends Gary the Snail into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. Monster clearance from Virgil van Dijk! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Kobbie Mainoo switches the play to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

On the corner from Gollum (fantasy), Edna Turnblad rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar. Emergency clearance from Nuno Mendes, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Superb leap from Gary the Snail who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Aslan is livid, gesturing wildly. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." A scouting report from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 25 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Miranda Sings knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Oh dear oh dear! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Corner from Gollum (fantasy), good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Aslan launches it to Kobbie Mainoo on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Kobbie Mainoo picks out Edna Turnblad with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia goes into the book, wouldn't stop badgering the referee about that call. Short free kick, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia to Gollum (fantasy), tactical combination to unlock the defence. Wide from the player! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

The corner from Gollum (fantasy) is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Nuno Mendes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Acceleration from Nuno Mendes down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Failed dribble from Nuno Mendes, he tries to go past but the defender gets a foot in. Ball lost. Interception from Kobbie Mainoo who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Kobbie Mainoo.

Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. High recovery from Gollum (fantasy) after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. OHHH Gollum (fantasy) unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia lays it off first time to Ousmane Dembélé, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ousmane Dembélé bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. SHOOOOOT from Ousmane Dembélé, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide! Ousmane Dembélé aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. Kobbie Mainoo launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Stalemate at home. Miranda Sings and Nuno Mendes embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

Miranda Sings plays it short to Kobbie Mainoo, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Header lost by Kobbie Mainoo, the opponent took the elevator while Kobbie Mainoo stayed on the ground floor. GOOOOOAL for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! What power on the header from the cross by Kobbie Mainoo! The keeper did not even see the ball!

Miranda Sings mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Gary the Snail raises Miranda Sings's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Miranda Sings plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Perfectly executed challenge by Virgil van Dijk, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Gollum (fantasy) lobs the keeper with DISCONCERTING ease! A little dink with the right foot, the ball sails over the keeper and lands in the net. GOAL of WORLD CLASS quality!

SpongeBob SquarePants lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Nuno Mendes triggers a change of flanks for SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Brilliant opening from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia for Ousmane Dembélé, frees up the entire left flank. Perfect cut-back from Ousmane Dembélé, Kobbie Mainoo receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Solo raid from Kobbie Mainoo from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Kobbie Mainoo launches himself at the attacker, no control, no timing. A horror tackle. Kobbie Mainoo is cautioned for dangerous play. That high foot endangered everyone around him. Free kick played short by Kobbie Mainoo and SpongeBob SquarePants, the opposition did not see that one coming.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Tactical debate in the corner. Kobbie Mainoo wants to push higher. Miranda Sings reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Miranda Sings, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Kobbie Mainoo attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 21-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. BY A WHISKER! Gollum (fantasy) fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Gollum (fantasy) tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Miranda Sings finds Gary the Snail with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Brilliant tackle from Nuno Mendes! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Nuno Mendes boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. The player is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Header from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Gary the Snail has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner cleared, the player finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Big clearance from Ousmane Dembélé under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. SpongeBob SquarePants drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Gary the Snail read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Gary the Snail is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with SpongeBob SquarePants's passes. Miranda Sings sends an absolute rocket towards Ousmane Dembélé, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Lay-off from Ousmane Dembélé to SpongeBob SquarePants, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

That's a beauty from Aslan! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Panicked clearance from Aslan, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Aerial duel lost by Gary the Snail, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage. Miranda Sings makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Stalemate at home. Kobbie Mainoo and Virgil van Dijk embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

The player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Gary the Snail. That is exactly why he is out there. Gary the Snail arrives full pelt and pokes the ball into the net! Off the tip of the boot, the keeper has no chance, GOAL!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Kobbie Mainoo has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Beautiful distribution from Miranda Sings to Kobbie Mainoo, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Kobbie Mainoo spreads it to Gollum (fantasy), simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Disaster! Douala Makossa-Corner score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Knee slide from Miranda Sings right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Kobbie Mainoo does the same down the line. Miranda Sings turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Well-taken corner from the player but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Miranda Sings smashes a volley towards Kobbie Mainoo, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The overlap from Kobbie Mainoo, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Floated cross from Kobbie Mainoo off the right, Edna Turnblad has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Ousmane Dembélé picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Pull-back from Ousmane Dembélé inside the area for Gary the Snail, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. OHHH what a strike from Gary the Snail! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

The physio works on SpongeBob SquarePants's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. SpongeBob SquarePants, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Edna Turnblad, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Ousmane Dembélé accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 29-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Virgil van Dijk claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Ousmane Dembélé plays the one-two with Edna Turnblad, give and go, that is absolutely silky! Devastating burst of pace from Ousmane Dembélé, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Ousmane Dembélé drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Aslan is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Gollum (fantasy) delivers an inswinging free kick, Aslan at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Aslan heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Enormous clearance from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Commanding header from SpongeBob SquarePants who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but SpongeBob SquarePants did not budge an inch.

The corner from Gary the Snail is headed away by the defence at the near post. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Ousmane Dembélé powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Cut-back from Ousmane Dembélé along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Edna Turnblad centrally. Strike from Edna Turnblad that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear.

The player plays it simple to Nuno Mendes, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nuno Mendes to Kobbie Mainoo, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Quick exchange between Kobbie Mainoo and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Virgil van Dijk looks up and launches a long pass towards SpongeBob SquarePants. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. SpongeBob SquarePants takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Gollum (fantasy) opens up to Kobbie Mainoo on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Kobbie Mainoo crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Kobbie Mainoo hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Kobbie Mainoo pulls it back along the ground for Gary the Snail, that is the perfect cut-back! Gary the Snail fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

1-1. Miranda Sings and Nuno Mendes are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Miranda Sings. "Next time," replies Nuno Mendes. And they vanish into the tunnel. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-0 (W)

What positioning from Nuno Mendes! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. BOOOM Gary the Snail UNLEASHES a powerful strike! The keeper was on the line but it scorched his gloves. GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Nuno Mendes right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Ousmane Dembélé tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Miranda Sings has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has it running through his veins. Good ball from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia to Kobbie Mainoo, playing it quick between the lines. Kobbie Mainoo burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Kobbie Mainoo gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Virgil van Dijk wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it.

The free kick from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is sent to the near post, Nuno Mendes rushes in to meet it. Nuno Mendes meets the cross from Kobbie Mainoo with his head but it goes over the bar! The youtuber throws it out to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Good ball from the cook to Gollum (fantasy), playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Shot blocked from the player! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it. Gollum (fantasy) whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Edna Turnblad hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Gary the Snail has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Miranda Sings from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Virgil van Dijk sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 35, the 195-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show The Price Is Outrageous! To win a Freddo at its current price, text 0800FREDDO and answer: 'In what year did a Freddo cost ten pence and all was right with the world?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Gollum (fantasy) claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Miranda Sings hoofs it forward towards Virgil van Dijk, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Virgil van Dijk, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Nuno Mendes brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Lightning overlap from Nuno Mendes, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Nuno Mendes. Held the opponent back by the arm. The free kick from Nuno Mendes is played to the side for Edna Turnblad, intelligent stuff.

Gollum (fantasy) passes short to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball comes back, new delivery coming up. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, SpongeBob SquarePants is there to meet it. The cook wastes the gift from Ousmane Dembélé, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Gollum (fantasy) anticipates the run from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Gary the Snail gets across the near post first. The player whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon.

PENALTY for the player! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. Gollum (fantasy) has bottled it! The penalty flies wide, he's got his head in his hands.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Virgil van Dijk sprints like his life depends on it to get back and put in a last-ditch tackle. Lungs of steel on that lad. Virgil van Dijk clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Three points in the bag! Kobbie Mainoo sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Miranda Sings drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. Little Gemma from Kettering says it was 2002 and she wants those days back. One Freddo at current market rates for Gemma! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-1 (W)

Superb defensive work from Aslan there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts SpongeBob SquarePants clean through. Pure genius from that position. SpongeBob SquarePants takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Aslan falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Kobbie Mainoo arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Overlap from Edna Turnblad on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Edna Turnblad finds Gollum (fantasy) with a pull-back, right in the middle of the box. The kind of ball that wins matches. Gollum (fantasy) aims like a surgeon on the cross from Gary the Snail! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Edna Turnblad runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. SpongeBob SquarePants gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Oh that's terrible! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Decisive glance from Aslan who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. One laser pass from SpongeBob SquarePants and the entire defence is eliminated, Nuno Mendes is through on goal. The space is enormous. WHAT A RUSH from Miranda Sings! He flew out like a rocket and grabbed the ball before the attacker could shoot! The youtuber finds Virgil van Dijk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Short restart from Miranda Sings to Gollum (fantasy), building from the back nice and tidy. Gollum (fantasy) is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. Lovely high take from Miranda Sings! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Smooth transition from Kobbie Mainoo to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia plays it simple to SpongeBob SquarePants, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Ousmane Dembélé is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Kobbie Mainoo adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. The 28-year-old Gollum (fantasy) adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Gollum (fantasy) trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' Aslan trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

The player does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Gollum (fantasy) plays it into the channel for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

Textbook lay-off from Nuno Mendes to Virgil van Dijk who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. GOAL! No wait... the flag is up! Virgil van Dijk was offside from Nuno Mendes's pass, it's been chalked off! Miranda Sings opts for the short option to Virgil van Dijk, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

High recovery from Kobbie Mainoo, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Kobbie Mainoo takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Kobbie Mainoo fires wide, not far from the post though! Short restart from the youtuber to SpongeBob SquarePants, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Free kick swung in by Gollum (fantasy), the ball travels across the six-yard box and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is lurking. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. Tidy restart from Miranda Sings along the deck to SpongeBob SquarePants, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The corner from Gary the Snail picks out Virgil van Dijk in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. Kobbie Mainoo heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Ousmane Dembélé rolls it to Gary the Snail, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. One touch football: Gary the Snail to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, faster than the opposition can think.

Sideways ball from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia to Gollum (fantasy), switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Ousmane Dembélé. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat.

What a performance! Kobbie Mainoo exchanges jerseys with the Barranquilla Toque-Toque skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Aslan just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. Kobbie Mainoo rises to the heavens and plants his header on the pass from Gollum (fantasy)! The keeper was a spectator, GOOOAL!

Gary the Snail spots Ousmane Dembélé in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Ousmane Dembélé finds Edna Turnblad in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Edna Turnblad lofts a cross into the box, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce.

They've scored! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Monster clearance from Miranda Sings, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Gollum (fantasy). Gollum (fantasy) unleashes a raking ball out to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Driven cross from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia into the box, Gary the Snail arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

The player lays it off first time to Nuno Mendes, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Nuno Mendes plays the simple ball to Ousmane Dembélé, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Ousmane Dembélé turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Gollum (fantasy). The defence did not even have time to blink. Gollum (fantasy) accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

The gaffer points at Aslan: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Aslan clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that SpongeBob SquarePants has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Gary the Snail is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Nuno Mendes launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Gary the Snail sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Aslan. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Aslan puts it right into the feet of Virgil van Dijk, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Emergency clearance from the cook, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The youtuber goes long for SpongeBob SquarePants, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Raking ball from the cook to Edna Turnblad, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Edna Turnblad links up with Gary the Snail, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Virgil van Dijk shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Virgil van Dijk finds Nuno Mendes between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Pass into space from Nuno Mendes for Ousmane Dembélé, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. It is not happening for Ousmane Dembélé, the pass to Kobbie Mainoo is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Inch-perfect tackle by Kobbie Mainoo, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. With one swing of the boot, Ousmane Dembélé finds SpongeBob SquarePants on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The cook loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Miranda Sings mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Aslan raises Miranda Sings's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Miranda Sings plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Nuno Mendes with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Overlap from Kobbie Mainoo on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Kobbie Mainoo sets it for Virgil van Dijk, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Smart pass from Virgil van Dijk into the hole for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Gollum (fantasy) is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Miranda Sings sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. GOOOOAL! Ousmane Dembélé lobs the keeper with a silky touch, the ball drops gently into the back of the net. That is MAGNIFICENT, pure velvet!

Ousmane Dembélé legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Little shift from Ousmane Dembélé to Gollum (fantasy), the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. BAR for the player! In that role, the strike was perfect, only the frame could have stopped that going in. GOOOOAL! Virgil van Dijk arrives at full pelt in the box, the cross from Ousmane Dembélé is perfect, he just has to score!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Ousmane Dembélé arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. SpongeBob SquarePants slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

And it's a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Miranda Sings strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Virgil van Dijk points at it, jaw on the floor. Miranda Sings shakes his head, not believing it.

Clearance from the youtuber towards Kobbie Mainoo, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Aerial duel lost by Kobbie Mainoo, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. OHHH the take from Miranda Sings! He climbs above the melee and gathers the ball. Boss stuff. Aslan shifts it to Gary the Snail with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Short build-up from Gary the Snail to Gollum (fantasy), playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Absolutely immense from Aslan! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia frees up the entire channel for Ousmane Dembélé with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Ousmane Dembélé gets down the left and pulls it back low, Kobbie Mainoo is stationed on the penalty spot.

Tactical debate in the corner. Virgil van Dijk wants to push higher. Gary the Snail reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Gary the Snail, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A plumber was called to Virgil van Dijk's house after the 35-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' And the second half is go! Gary the Snail charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Ousmane Dembélé finds the gap and serves Kobbie Mainoo in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Kobbie Mainoo celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Khvicha Kvaratskhelia's pass. Gutting. Ousmane Dembélé hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

They're starting to suffocate the opposition with their pressing. Gollum (fantasy) whips in a cross at head height, Edna Turnblad anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. SCRAMBLE after the player's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. Virgil van Dijk shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage.

Aslan slides it to Gary the Snail, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Short pass from the player to SpongeBob SquarePants, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Ball into space from the cook for Gary the Snail, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. The offside trap works a treat, Gary the Snail is caught out as Aslan plays the ball forward.

It's hit the back of the net! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío lead and we look completely lost.

Miranda Sings runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Gollum (fantasy) gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Rush out from Miranda Sings! The keeper cut the angle and smothered the ball at the feet. HEROIC! Nuno Mendes clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

The player puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. The youtuber throws it out to Ousmane Dembélé, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Interception from Ousmane Dembélé right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Diagonal from Ousmane Dembélé to Edna Turnblad, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. The player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Nuno Mendes into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

The cook plays it simple to Nuno Mendes, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Stunning one-two between Nuno Mendes and Gollum (fantasy), the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer. Nuno Mendes is flagged offside, frustrating for Edna Turnblad who played a lovely ball through. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Level. Virgil van Dijk picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Miranda Sings waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

Overlap on the left from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, floated cross towards SpongeBob SquarePants who rises highest at the far post. The cook deflects the ball into his own net! In that position, this is the nightmare you have the night before a match. The ball bounces off him and lobs the keeper. NOOOO, this is CRUEL for him!

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Nuno Mendes joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Miranda Sings strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia points at it, jaw on the floor. Miranda Sings shakes his head, not believing it.

Gollum (fantasy) keeps it short to Aslan, no frills, just good football intelligence. Aslan shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. Aslan winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

Gollum (fantasy) sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Gary the Snail photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Massive punt from Miranda Sings, sends the ball sixty yards, SpongeBob SquarePants is scrapping for it up top. Pass into no-man's land from SpongeBob SquarePants, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. What a block! Ousmane Dembélé slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Miranda Sings places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. SpongeBob SquarePants falls to his knees bowing. Miranda Sings does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Gary the Snail stares at the carnage. Edna Turnblad swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Kobbie Mainoo accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 21-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' The gaffer gives Khvicha Kvaratskhelia one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Aslan anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Aslan clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Edna Turnblad drops a lofted ball to Gollum (fantasy), it sails over the entire midfield line.

Change of flanks from Aslan, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. SpongeBob SquarePants feeds Nuno Mendes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Quick one-two between Nuno Mendes and SpongeBob SquarePants, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Wall pass between the cook and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

The ball from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia rips through the defensive curtain, Nuno Mendes is flying into the space like an arrow. Tight offside call against Nuno Mendes, the assistant raises his flag. SpongeBob SquarePants protests furiously. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rapid combination: Ousmane Dembélé to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Firm pass from Virgil van Dijk into SpongeBob SquarePants, right into the boots. No waste. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Gollum (fantasy) swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Aslan, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Lifesaving clearance from Nuno Mendes! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Decisive interception from Ousmane Dembélé who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Ousmane Dembélé saw it all. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Powerful effort from Ousmane Dembélé, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar. Ousmane Dembélé takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

And there it is, Rio Malandro FC score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Monumental ball from SpongeBob SquarePants to Nuno Mendes, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Nuno Mendes weights his pass into the space for Gary the Snail who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. The assistant spots it, Gary the Snail was offside by a whisker when Khvicha Kvaratskhelia played the ball. Miranda Sings distributes short to Virgil van Dijk, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Burst of pace from Virgil van Dijk on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia lobs it over the entire defence for Kobbie Mainoo, that is laser-guided. OH THE VOLLEY from Kobbie Mainoo! Sublime in execution but the ball soars over the crossbar. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Final whistle, final nail. Gary the Snail pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Miranda Sings gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

Nuno Mendes cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Gollum (fantasy)! The keeper got demolished by a world class rocket!

Nuno Mendes mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Ousmane Dembélé raises Nuno Mendes's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Miranda Sings plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Ousmane Dembélé presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Quick dribble from Ousmane Dembélé, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. JUST WIIIIIDE from Ousmane Dembélé! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Long kick from Miranda Sings, Aslan positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia shifts it wide to SpongeBob SquarePants on the right, lovely ball into the space. The stadium erupts but WAIT! SpongeBob SquarePants is flagged offside from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia's ball. Goal chalked off! Long ball from Miranda Sings for Gollum (fantasy) who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Free kick conceded by Virgil van Dijk, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Free kick from Virgil van Dijk goes high and handsome, over the bar and out for a goal kick.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. The youtuber grazes the ball and turns it over. In that position, when you have that touch in the gloves, you make the difference. Short restart from the youtuber to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Nuno Mendes is doing an impression of Istanbul Cehennem FK's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Ousmane Dembélé is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." Brilliant little nugget — SpongeBob SquarePants has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. SpongeBob SquarePants squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Virgil van Dijk mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Free kick stopped! Virgil van Dijk shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended. The player totally botches the corner. In that position, you're supposed to master these situations, it's the basics.

The player finds Virgil van Dijk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Virgil van Dijk slides a beauty through the gap, Nuno Mendes is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

Edna Turnblad beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. The referee BLOWS! Penalty! Edna Turnblad has been hauled down in the box by a defender. The ground is BUZZING, everyone is on their feet! Edna Turnblad's penalty clatters the crossbar and bounces back! That is a nightmare. The youtuber finds Aslan with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. The player finds Virgil van Dijk in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Burst of speed from Virgil van Dijk, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Short restart from the youtuber to Gary the Snail, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Gary the Snail pings a ridiculous diagonal to Virgil van Dijk. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Lay-off from Virgil van Dijk to Ousmane Dembélé, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Ousmane Dembélé floats a cross in from the wing for Aslan, the ball hangs in the box!

What a performance! Virgil van Dijk exchanges jerseys with the Istanbul Cehennem FK skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Kobbie Mainoo just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Brilliant interception from Nuno Mendes, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia does not hesitate, he unleashes a LUMBERJACK strike that ends up smack in the middle of the goal!

Nuno Mendes finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Virgil van Dijk plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Switch from Edna Turnblad! The ball arcs over the midfield and Kobbie Mainoo collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Kobbie Mainoo rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots.

Great vision from SpongeBob SquarePants who switches to Ousmane Dembélé. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Ousmane Dembélé wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Ousmane Dembélé links up with Nuno Mendes, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. The defender is in all sorts of trouble! He handles Khvicha Kvaratskhelia's shot in the area. Penalty given, can't have any complaints. The cook sends his penalty wide! In that position, missing a penalty in front of everyone is a NIGHTMARE, takes real character to recover.

What a terrible tackle from Virgil van Dijk! The attacker is down holding his knee. This looks bad. All eyes on the referee as he studies the screen. VAR is dragging this out. Virgil van Dijk protests but VAR is clear, red replaces the yellow! Virgil van Dijk is sent off after a brutal scissor tackle. The medical team rush onto the pitch. The free kick from Virgil van Dijk clears the defence and finds Ousmane Dembélé in the danger area.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Nuno Mendes is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Gary the Snail. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Now this is class — Kobbie Mainoo once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 21 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Fifteen to One Complaint! To win a year of free parking at a hospital that charges for parking, text 4345 and answer: 'How much does it cost to park at a British hospital for twenty minutes?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Nuno Mendes knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Gary the Snail attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious.

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The cook opens up to Gollum (fantasy) on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Delicious through ball from Edna Turnblad, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and SpongeBob SquarePants is there to gobble it up. Turnover from SpongeBob SquarePants, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Solo charge from Gollum (fantasy), he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box.

Aslan launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. The player gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight.

Get in! Miranda Sings and Aslan do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Milano Piano-Piano players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Miranda Sings turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Ron from Doncaster says it costs roughly the same as a small holiday in Benidorm. Free hospital parking for Ron! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Gollum (fantasy) nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. What a ball from Gollum (fantasy)! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Kobbie Mainoo is away on his own. That is velvet. GOOOAL for Kobbie Mainoo! On the cross from Edna Turnblad, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Gollum (fantasy) fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Miranda Sings plays the medic running in. Miranda Sings plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. The youtuber Miranda Sings arrives in the box, head high, still believing. Huge aerial duel won by SpongeBob SquarePants, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. The cook plays it simple to Gollum (fantasy), neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Textbook tackle from SpongeBob SquarePants there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position.

Miranda Sings takes his time and plays it short to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia shifts it to Edna Turnblad with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Burst of speed from the player down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Edna Turnblad lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Nuno Mendes arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario.

What a mess! Sevilla Olé-Olé capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Miranda Sings runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Aslan gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Ousmane Dembélé cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Inside info here — Miranda Sings insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 40, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' Nuno Mendes is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Crossfield pass from Virgil van Dijk to SpongeBob SquarePants, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. SpongeBob SquarePants to Edna Turnblad, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Edna Turnblad picks out Gary the Snail with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Wall combination between Gary the Snail and Aslan, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward.

It's a goal! Sevilla Olé-Olé go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Sublime through ball from SpongeBob SquarePants for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia strays offside on Kobbie Mainoo's ball. A metre ahead of the last defender at least. Short restart from the youtuber to SpongeBob SquarePants, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. SpongeBob SquarePants sends an aerial beauty to Nuno Mendes, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Miranda Sings plays out from the back with Gary the Snail, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Sideways ball from Gary the Snail to Gollum (fantasy), switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. It falls apart for Ousmane Dembélé, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

The one-two between Ousmane Dembélé and Nuno Mendes blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Late challenge from Ousmane Dembélé, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. The referee's had enough. Yellow card for Ousmane Dembélé, persistent fouling.

Miranda Sings distributes by hand to Nuno Mendes on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Nuno Mendes launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Gollum (fantasy), ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Gollum (fantasy) puts it right into the feet of Edna Turnblad, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

It's over and Sevilla Olé-Olé take the points. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. SpongeBob SquarePants walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Individual run from Ousmane Dembélé, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Ousmane Dembélé aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

The player switches the play to Kobbie Mainoo, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Masterful aerial duel from Kobbie Mainoo, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Kobbie Mainoo gives it to Virgil van Dijk into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Edna Turnblad powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. PENALTY awarded! Edna Turnblad enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! Edna Turnblad cracks under the pressure! The penalty goes wide, it's pure desolation.

Nuno Mendes slides, misses the ball, misses the man, misses everything. Back to square one. WHAT A FINGERTIP SAVE from the youtuber! That kind of keeper saves you three points all on his own. Virgil van Dijk puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away.

Massive clearance from Virgil van Dijk in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Free kick conceded by the cook, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. SpongeBob SquarePants does not fancy the shot and goes short to Nuno Mendes, trying to disorganise the defence. Oh my word Nuno Mendes fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Nuno Mendes starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Aslan conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Dressing room whispers confirm that Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has an entire drawer at home dedicated to takeaway menus. Refuses to use apps. Says he likes 'the theatre of choosing from paper.' He's 25 and living in a beautiful analogue world. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4040 and answer this question: 'What is the national dish of a car park?' SpongeBob SquarePants is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Gary the Snail whips the free kick into the box for Edna Turnblad, dangerous delivery! Edna Turnblad beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Overlap from Edna Turnblad with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The player trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Edna Turnblad shapes to shoot but plays it short to Gollum (fantasy), the defence is caught flat-footed.

The corner from Kobbie Mainoo lands on the head of SpongeBob SquarePants but the ball flies over. He had to do better. Miranda Sings throws it out quickly to Virgil van Dijk, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Virgil van Dijk sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Virgil van Dijk delivers from the byline, Nuno Mendes is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

The free kick from Kobbie Mainoo lands right on Nuno Mendes in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Phenomenal leap from Nuno Mendes who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Good ball from the cook to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Nutmeg from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia rolls it back across the turf, Edna Turnblad is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. The player finds Aslan along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Gollum (fantasy) leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Deserved booking for Gollum (fantasy), he'd been getting away with murder all half. The player sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying. Clearance from the youtuber towards Virgil van Dijk, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Brilliant! Virgil van Dijk goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Miranda Sings photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the national dish of a car park?'. The answer was of course a ticket with a side of despair and a drizzle of concrete dust. Reginald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! Tap-in from Gary the Snail on the delivery from Edna Turnblad, he just had to push it into the empty net.

Perfect back flip from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Aslan tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Miranda Sings has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

It's there! London Three-Pints tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Cross from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, he puts it on the far post for Gary the Snail. GROTESQUE own goal from Gary the Snail! He attempts an overhead kick to clear and smashes the ball into his own net! Oh you WALLY!! Even if you TRIED to do that you could not, this is GENIUS in reverse!

Three-man routine: Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, Gollum (fantasy) and Miranda Sings do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Miranda Sings lumps it long towards Gollum (fantasy), it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Gollum (fantasy) to SpongeBob SquarePants, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. SpongeBob SquarePants crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Kobbie Mainoo is in the right place.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Miranda Sings sticks out his left foot and beats away the strike! Reflex save, impossible piece of goalkeeping! Miranda Sings launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Gollum (fantasy) after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Ousmane Dembélé stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against London Three-Pints. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Miranda Sings cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Club physios had to confiscate Miranda Sings's PlayStation after the 40-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 180, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' Here come the lads. Virgil van Dijk jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Aslan throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Nuno Mendes launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Nuno Mendes was flying. Nuno Mendes charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Quick one-two between Nuno Mendes and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. A tug on the shirt from Aslan, the opponent can't get away. Free kick.

GOAL! London Three-Pints strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Body feint from the player, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Terrible tackle from the player on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. The referee books Edna Turnblad for unsporting conduct. That was a sly dig at the opponent. The player plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Good ball from the player to Gary the Snail, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The youtuber finds Nuno Mendes with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Nuno Mendes produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Nuno Mendes plays the simple ball to Kobbie Mainoo, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

The player intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The cook shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Ousmane Dembélé. Pure quality, as per usual.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Edna Turnblad rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Nuno Mendes. The far side is completely deserted. Looping cross from Nuno Mendes, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Gary the Snail. Danger. The youtuber climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches.

Stalemate at home. Ousmane Dembélé and Kobbie Mainoo embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.