My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Andy Halliday sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

Emergency clearance from Wilson Mootoo, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope. Good delivery from Jefferson Farfán off the left flank, Robert Fernández positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Unai Simón finds Nicolò Tresoldi with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Awful pass from Nicolò Tresoldi, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. High recovery from Robert Fernández, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. What a ball from Jefferson Farfán! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Bukayo Saka is away on his own. That is velvet. Bukayo Saka tries a crossfield ball to Jefferson Farfán but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage.

Unai Simón lumps it long towards Bukayo Saka, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Quick exchange between Bukayo Saka and Andy Halliday, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Andy Halliday, you have been outstanding. Pavel Dourov, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." A bitter feud erupted between Robert Lewandowski and a neighbour over wheelie bin placement. At 38, the 185-tall footballer reportedly moved the green bin three inches to the left — the council got involved. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' The gaffer gives Jefferson Farfán one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Jefferson Farfán runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Bukayo Saka sets it for Andy Halliday, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Andy Halliday puts the ball right into the mixer, Robert Lewandowski arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Cross from Robert Lewandowski intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Unai Simón opts for the short option to Warmed Omari, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Masterful aerial duel from Warmed Omari, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator.

The computer scientist finds Bukayo Saka along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Good ball from Bukayo Saka to Harry Kane, playing it quick between the lines. Quick one-two between Harry Kane and Wilson Mootoo, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

The free kick from Bukayo Saka is played to the side for Jefferson Farfán, intelligent stuff. Effort from Jefferson Farfán, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Shot from Pavel Dourov, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Massive clearance from Robert Lewandowski, just get the ball as far away as possible. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic.

Masterful reading from Robert Fernández who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Robert Fernández sends an aerial beauty to Wilson Mootoo, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Wilson Mootoo attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Nicolò Tresoldi puts Pavel Dourov into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

Get in! Wilson Mootoo and Pavel Dourov do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Paris Saint-Glinglin players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Wilson Mootoo turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

They've nicked a goal! México No-Era-Penal catch us cold on the break.

Lobbed cross from Jefferson Farfán, it sails over the entire back four and Nicolò Tresoldi is there behind. Brilliant. GOAL! Nicolò Tresoldi attempts the overhead and he NAILS IT! The cross from Harry Kane arrives, Nicolò Tresoldi throws himself backwards and sends a missile into the top corner! The ULTIMATE finish, that is FOOTBALL in its PUREST form!

'I told you so' mode. Jefferson Farfán eyeballs the México No-Era-Penal bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Pavel Dourov pulls Jefferson Farfán away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Harry Kane sends Pavel Dourov into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. The assistant flags Pavel Dourov offside, it's a matter of inches! Robert Fernández kicks the turf in frustration. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Little shift from Robert Fernández to Nicolò Tresoldi, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Nicolò Tresoldi hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now! Nicolò Tresoldi sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear.

Unai Simón rolls it short to Wilson Mootoo into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Wilson Mootoo puts it right into the feet of Andy Halliday, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Andy Halliday spreads it to Warmed Omari, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Harry Kane reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Pavel Dourov cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Dressing room sources reveal Unai Simón can play the recorder with terrifying proficiency. The 29-year-old whips out Three Blind Mice before every away match — the coach has tried and failed to ban it. And now, our TV game show The Price Is Outrageous! To win a Freddo at its current price, text 0800FREDDO and answer: 'In what year did a Freddo cost ten pence and all was right with the world?' Out they come. Warmed Omari has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Short corner from Jefferson Farfán to Andy Halliday, nice tactical play worked out. Looping cross from Andy Halliday, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Nicolò Tresoldi. Danger. Nicolò Tresoldi completely miscues his cross, the ball ends up in the stands. Not his night.

Wilson Mootoo with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Wilson Mootoo plays it simple to Harry Kane, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Harry Kane burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Harry Kane keeps it short to Bukayo Saka, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Free kick from Pavel Dourov delivered with pace, Warmed Omari finds himself in space at the far post. Warmed Omari tries a cross but it is repelled by a well-positioned defender. Nothing doing. Harry Kane clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Robert Fernández is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take.

Short free kick from Jefferson Farfán, Bukayo Saka receives in space and can play on. Bukayo Saka winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Pavel Dourov curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close!

GOAAAL for México No-Era-Penal! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Wilson Mootoo lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Magnificent leap from Bukayo Saka who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Lay-off from Bukayo Saka to Wilson Mootoo, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

The computer scientist floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. What a leap from Wilson Mootoo! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Wilson Mootoo feeds Warmed Omari in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Warmed Omari goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Warmed Omari just won it.

Level at the final whistle. Robert Fernández and Warmed Omari walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Little Gemma from Kettering says it was 2002 and she wants those days back. One Freddo at current market rates for Gemma! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Missed it! Jefferson Farfán goes to ground but the attacker had already shifted the ball. Way too late. Bukayo Saka dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! Powerful penalty from Bukayo Saka, the keeper dived the right way but it was too strong.

Jefferson Farfán runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Andy Halliday gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Unai Simón. Wilson Mootoo is on his knees clapping, Unai Simón is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Bukayo Saka to Andy Halliday, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Andy Halliday drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Harry Kane read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. GOOOOAL for Harry Kane! He plays Andy Halliday in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Raw emotion: Bukayo Saka cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Unai Simón crouches beside him and speaks softly. Unai Simón jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Ball over the top from Nicolò Tresoldi, Harry Kane had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. GOAL from Harry Kane! A lob of outrageous DELICACY! The keeper came out, Harry Kane spotted it and dinked it over him. That is GENIUS, all finesse!

Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. Jefferson Farfán presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Jefferson Farfán sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Andy Halliday is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. CRAAACKER from Andy Halliday outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

Warmed Omari has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Robert Fernández is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Nicolò Tresoldi accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 22-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' And they are off! Pavel Dourov touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Corner swung in by Pavel Dourov, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear. Monster clearance from Bukayo Saka! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Firm pass from Warmed Omari into Jefferson Farfán, right into the boots. No waste. Body feint from Jefferson Farfán, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

Unai Simón plays it along the ground to Nicolò Tresoldi, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Nicolò Tresoldi launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Nicolò Tresoldi was flying. Nicolò Tresoldi lays it off first time to Andy Halliday, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Andy Halliday puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

Sideways ball from Jefferson Farfán to Wilson Mootoo, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Acceleration from Wilson Mootoo down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The attacker goes past Wilson Mootoo who reaches out and grabs the jersey, foul! Yellow card for Wilson Mootoo, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Magnificent tackle from Warmed Omari! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Short build-up from Warmed Omari to Wilson Mootoo, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Flash wall from Pavel Dourov for Wilson Mootoo who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

And there it is, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Unai Simón ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Bukayo Saka leaps over him. Unai Simón walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Bukayo Saka spots Nicolò Tresoldi in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The attacker crushes Nicolò Tresoldi in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Nicolò Tresoldi was helpless. Unai Simón tips the shot around the post! Strong hand, cat-like reflexes, absolutely MASSIVE.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Jefferson Farfán opens up to Harry Kane on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Harry Kane slides it to Wilson Mootoo, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

WHAT A WIN! Pavel Dourov and Bukayo Saka do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Bukayo Saka covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. PENALTY! Bukayo Saka is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! GOOOAL! Bukayo Saka does NOT FLINCH! Penalty taken with class, the ball ends in the far corner.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Change of flanks from Robert Fernández, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Pavel Dourov. Pavel Dourov links up with Bukayo Saka, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Lovely cross from the computer scientist on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Phenomenal leap from Wilson Mootoo who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Unai Simón runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Robert Fernández joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Bukayo Saka chips a cross over the defensive line, Robert Fernández controls in space. That is world class. Robert Fernández goes for the perfect volley, foot cracks through thin air. So close to a masterpiece. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Warmed Omari winces. Andy Halliday looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Quite remarkable — Warmed Omari got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 26 years old. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' Robert Fernández spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Bukayo Saka plays the free kick quickly to Nicolò Tresoldi, they catch the defence napping. Nicolò Tresoldi tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Jefferson Farfán puts too much power on his cross, it flies through the box and out for a throw.

Driven cross from Bukayo Saka into the box, Pavel Dourov arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Pavel Dourov gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Jefferson Farfán thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Brilliant switch of play from Bukayo Saka! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Robert Lewandowski. Robert Lewandowski is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. Pavel Dourov boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Jefferson Farfán decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos. Jefferson Farfán slides the ball into space for Robert Fernández, he is away down the middle. Offside called against Robert Fernández. He'll be kicking himself, the ball from Pavel Dourov was perfect.

The corner from Bukayo Saka is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Robert Lewandowski fires the ball over to Bukayo Saka with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Monster clearance from Unai Simón, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Harry Kane. Harry Kane launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Robert Lewandowski, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Robert Lewandowski delivers a tidy ball to Warmed Omari, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Sharp cut inside from Warmed Omari, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

Shared match. Pavel Dourov walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Warmed Omari does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Brilliant tackle from Robert Lewandowski! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Nicolò Tresoldi lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Robert Lewandowski runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Harry Kane gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

The overlap from Pavel Dourov, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. The computer scientist is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! Pavel Dourov does everything right! Penalty placed with finesse to the left, the keeper goes right. GOAL, ice cold!

Pavel Dourov dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Robert Lewandowski can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Unai Simón claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The corner from Andy Halliday is met by Robert Fernández with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Unai Simón goes long for Robert Fernández, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Aerial duel won by Robert Fernández in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Robert Fernández intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Andy Halliday lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

Oh dear, Douala Makossa-Corner have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Unai Simón sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Andy Halliday snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Unai Simón waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Nicolò Tresoldi shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Unai Simón picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Teammates were gobsmacked when Andy Halliday revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 35, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' And they are off! Nicolò Tresoldi touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Unai Simón distributes short to Robert Fernández, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Robert Fernández hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Clumsy challenge from Robert Lewandowski, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. The referee's had enough. Yellow card for Robert Lewandowski, persistent fouling. Robert Lewandowski lines up his free kick but the wall blocks everything. Frustrating.

Monumental ball from Robert Lewandowski to Jefferson Farfán, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Enormous leap from Jefferson Farfán who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

Absolutely immense from Robert Fernández! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. One laser pass from Robert Fernández and the entire defence is eliminated, Bukayo Saka is through on goal. The space is enormous. What a rush out from Unai Simón! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Unai Simón throws it out quickly to Robert Lewandowski, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Wing switch from Robert Lewandowski, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Wilson Mootoo brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Unai Simón plays it short to Bukayo Saka, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Massive diagonal from Bukayo Saka! Andy Halliday receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Andy Halliday wins the header and flicks it on for Harry Kane. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Instinctive clearance from Andy Halliday who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Jefferson Farfán swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Bukayo Saka, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Bukayo Saka picks out Warmed Omari with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Warmed Omari finds Bukayo Saka between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Bukayo Saka bounces it off Harry Kane for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

Points shared with Douala Makossa-Corner. Harry Kane slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Warmed Omari has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-0 (W)

Monster press from Bukayo Saka! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. What FINESSE on the strike from Pavel Dourov! On the cross from Harry Kane, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Bukayo Saka unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Wilson Mootoo makes a heart sign with his hands. Unai Simón finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Bukayo Saka catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. The ref books Bukayo Saka for cumulative fouling. You can only get away with so many. Short free kick played by Bukayo Saka, Harry Kane receives at the edge of the box after the one-two. Just wide from Harry Kane, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

Andy Halliday pings a long diagonal to Jefferson Farfán, completely shifts the point of attack. Jefferson Farfán reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Jefferson Farfán plays the simple ball to Harry Kane, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Harry Kane charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Harry Kane crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Robert Fernández is in the right place.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Massive clearance from Wilson Mootoo in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Switch from Wilson Mootoo! The ball arcs over the midfield and Robert Lewandowski collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Robert Fernández looks up and launches a long pass towards Andy Halliday. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Cross from Andy Halliday, he puts it on the far post for Warmed Omari. Warmed Omari gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Unai Simón has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Robert Fernández from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Robert Lewandowski turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 38-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Jefferson Farfán is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

The corner from the computer scientist was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish. Unai Simón sparks the transition with a quick throw to Andy Halliday, the break is lightning fast. Enormous anticipation from Andy Halliday who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Great vision from Andy Halliday who switches to Harry Kane. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Brilliant opening from Harry Kane for Andy Halliday, frees up the entire left flank.

Jefferson Farfán whips in a cross at head height, Nicolò Tresoldi anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Nicolò Tresoldi goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. Driven kick from Unai Simón to Robert Fernández, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Interception from Wilson Mootoo right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Harry Kane picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. SHOOOOT from Harry Kane... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Jefferson Farfán goes tactical with the short corner to Wilson Mootoo, the defense is forced to come out. Smooth transition from Wilson Mootoo to Bukayo Saka, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Lovely use of the ball by Bukayo Saka, finding Wilson Mootoo in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Wilson Mootoo drops a lofted ball to Warmed Omari, it sails over the entire midfield line.

It's all over and it's OURS! Wilson Mootoo leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Robert Lewandowski picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Unai Simón runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Nicolò Tresoldi gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Nicolò Tresoldi shifts it to Harry Kane with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Harry Kane slides a beauty through the gap, Pavel Dourov is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. GOOOAL from the computer scientist! POWERFUL strike, the keeper had no chance! In that position, when you have that foot on you, you are dangerous on every ball.

Wilson Mootoo rolls it to Robert Lewandowski, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Robert Lewandowski does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. GOOOAL for Robert Lewandowski! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Wilson Mootoo points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Robert Fernández comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Jefferson Farfán gets down the left and pulls it back low, Robert Lewandowski is stationed on the penalty spot. Shot blocked from Robert Lewandowski, the defender makes himself big and screens the ball. The shot doesn't get through. The cross from Andy Halliday is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Unai Simón fires it out quickly by hand to Andy Halliday, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Rapid combination: Jefferson Farfán to Andy Halliday, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Absolute peach from Andy Halliday, threading it through for Bukayo Saka, the centre-halves are done for! Strike from Bukayo Saka into deep space. You have to wonder if he was aiming at the right goal.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Warmed Omari, you go left. Robert Fernández, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Back on the estate, Harry Kane is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 33 and standing 188, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Harry Kane sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Robert Lewandowski throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Harry Kane barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. The ref brandishes the yellow. Harry Kane lost control completely in that tackle.

Bukayo Saka delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! Warmed Omari launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Warmed Omari is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Warmed Omari was barely on his way up.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Just wide! Pavel Dourov struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Massive punt from Unai Simón, sends the ball sixty yards, Robert Lewandowski is scrapping for it up top.

Pavel Dourov deliberately kicks the ball away after the whistle. That's a yellow coming. Yellow card for Pavel Dourov, surrounded the referee with complaints. That's unacceptable. The computer scientist puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. OHHH the header from Nicolò Tresoldi! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten!

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Clearance from Warmed Omari under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Nicolò Tresoldi triggers a change of flanks for Pavel Dourov, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Rehearsed move all week: Unai Simón and Robert Fernández stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Unai Simón plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Robert Lewandowski reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Andy Halliday charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Andy Halliday winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Points shared with Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Unai Simón slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Bukayo Saka has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-1 (W)

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Wilson Mootoo spots the run from Andy Halliday and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Andy Halliday does the dirty work strikers do! In the scramble, he finds the ball and prods it in. GOAL!

Unai Simón distributes by hand to Nicolò Tresoldi on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. The opponent dominates Nicolò Tresoldi in the air with worrying ease. Nicolò Tresoldi did not have the tools to compete on that one. Andy Halliday plants the ball with his head on the gift from Nicolò Tresoldi! The keeper dives but it is too late, GOOOOAL!

Unai Simón unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Robert Lewandowski makes a heart sign with his hands. Unai Simón finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

One touch football: Wilson Mootoo to Bukayo Saka, faster than the opposition can think. Bukayo Saka finds Jefferson Farfán with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Strike from Jefferson Farfán that is blocked by a courageous defender. The ball flies out for a corner. Harry Kane boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Harry Kane loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do.

Telepathic pass from Warmed Omari to Wilson Mootoo, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Wilson Mootoo is flagged offside by the narrowest of margins, Jefferson Farfán wants answers from the ref. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

Warmed Omari gives it to Bukayo Saka into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Bukayo Saka gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Robert Fernández shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Andy Halliday has covered seven kilometres already." Bukayo Saka shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Andy Halliday fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." A former teammate has revealed that Andy Halliday once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 175, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Nicolò Tresoldi high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Bukayo Saka slips Robert Fernández in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Little shift from Robert Fernández to Harry Kane, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Harry Kane gives it to Bukayo Saka, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Unai Simón runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Robert Fernández gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Unai Simón catapults the ball towards Robert Lewandowski from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Well spotted by Robert Lewandowski who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Jefferson Farfán catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. Jefferson Farfán unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though.

Robert Lewandowski links up with Robert Fernández, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Robert Lewandowski sets it for Jefferson Farfán, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Jefferson Farfán hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Andy Halliday plays a low free kick into the box, Nicolò Tresoldi cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Unai Simón comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Short build-up from Wilson Mootoo to Robert Lewandowski, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Pass into space from Robert Lewandowski for Wilson Mootoo, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. The linesman flags Wilson Mootoo offside and that is razor thin! Warmed Omari throws his arms up.

Robert Fernández launches it to Wilson Mootoo on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Turnover from Wilson Mootoo, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. The referee's whistle goes against Andy Halliday, caught the opponent late. The referee reaches for his pocket. Yellow card for Andy Halliday, a nasty foul from behind.

It's over and we've won it! Andy Halliday grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Wilson Mootoo pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Cross from Bukayo Saka off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Pavel Dourov at the far side. The computer scientist meets the cross from Harry Kane with his head and scores! GOOOAL! In that position, that aerial game is an insane weapon.

Jefferson Farfán plays the free kick as a cross, Harry Kane finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Harry Kane wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Harry Kane delivers a tidy ball to Jefferson Farfán, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Fantastic high recovery from Jefferson Farfán, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

Unai Simón hoofs it forward towards Nicolò Tresoldi, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Nicolò Tresoldi keeps it short to Robert Lewandowski, no frills, just good football intelligence. Robert Lewandowski shifts it to Bukayo Saka with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Bukayo Saka powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Bukayo Saka bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Harry Kane wins the aerial battle.

It's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Unai Simón unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Harry Kane makes a heart sign with his hands. Unai Simón finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Unai Simón smashes a volley towards Bukayo Saka, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Bukayo Saka wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Devastating burst of pace from Bukayo Saka, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Perfect pull-back from Bukayo Saka, Warmed Omari receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. SAAAAVED by Unai Simón! The strike was arrowing into the top corner and he pushes it wide. What a keeper!

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Harry Kane. And you, Andy Halliday. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. A teammate has confirmed that Harry Kane watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 33 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' Out they come. Bukayo Saka has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. SO CLOSE! Andy Halliday sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Jefferson Farfán pings a ridiculous diagonal to Pavel Dourov. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Pavel Dourov absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition.

Robert Lewandowski keeps it short to Warmed Omari, no frills, just good football intelligence. Warmed Omari plays it in, Bukayo Saka lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Warmed Omari is off again. Magnificent. Offside against Warmed Omari. Robert Fernández spotted the run but the timing was just off. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

Jefferson Farfán rolls it to Bukayo Saka, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Bukayo Saka drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Robert Lewandowski. Robert Lewandowski crosses but it hits the defender's knee. The danger is cleared. Unai Simón takes his time and plays it short to Nicolò Tresoldi. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Nicolò Tresoldi crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Robert Fernández blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Robert Fernández is cautioned for persistent fouling. The referee finally snapped. The wall repels Robert Fernández's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended.

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Sideways ball from Jefferson Farfán to Wilson Mootoo, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Wilson Mootoo shifts it to Robert Lewandowski with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lay-off from Robert Lewandowski to Jefferson Farfán out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

Pavel Dourov launches himself on the corner from Bukayo Saka and powers a header but it is off target. Long ball from Unai Simón for Warmed Omari who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Powerful run from Warmed Omari down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Warmed Omari crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Jefferson Farfán is there to meet it.

Stalemate at home. Unai Simón and Robert Fernández embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Andy Halliday flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. GOOOAL! Nicolò Tresoldi sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Andy Halliday dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Harry Kane can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Unai Simón claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Little shift from Wilson Mootoo to Warmed Omari, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Warmed Omari aims for Pavel Dourov but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

Incredible burst of pace from Jefferson Farfán, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Jefferson Farfán sets up Warmed Omari with a pull-back centrally, the keeper is caught in no man's land. Warmed Omari fires wide of the empty net! Robert Lewandowski must be in disbelief after that service. That is a crime against football. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Bukayo Saka rolls it to Robert Lewandowski, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent.

Robert Lewandowski hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Warmed Omari switches the play to Wilson Mootoo on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Jefferson Farfán is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Pavel Dourov leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Club sources confirm Unai Simón has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 29, the 192-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Nicolò Tresoldi leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

The corner from Andy Halliday is headed away by the defence at the near post. Diagonal from Robert Fernández to Harry Kane, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Superb leap from Harry Kane who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Quick one-two between Harry Kane and Pavel Dourov, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Neat one-two between Pavel Dourov and Harry Kane, simple, beautiful, and above all effective.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Nicolò Tresoldi shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Harry Kane to Jefferson Farfán, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Jefferson Farfán puts the ball right into the path of Robert Lewandowski, played to the inch, the space is found.

Robert Lewandowski heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow.

Harry Kane goes straight through the attacker with a wild sliding challenge. Bodies everywhere. The referee brandishes the red card! Harry Kane has elbowed the opponent in the ribs deliberately. Free kick from Harry Kane, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Robert Lewandowski is onto it! Aerial duel won by Robert Lewandowski, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Unai Simón boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Pavel Dourov! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. The computer scientist rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Big clearance from Pavel Dourov under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Andy Halliday rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Panicked clearance from Andy Halliday, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Robert Fernández drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Unai Simón slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Rio Malandro FC trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Free kick from Pavel Dourov, lovely delivery and Bukayo Saka rises above the defence. BOOOM the header from Bukayo Saka! On the cross from Harry Kane, he produces a FURIOUS header that ends in the net. GOAL!

The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Bukayo Saka gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Wilson Mootoo. Header won by Wilson Mootoo, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Blistering solo run from Nicolò Tresoldi, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. Nicolò Tresoldi goes sliding in and doesn't touch a thing, fresh air tackle that. Awful. Pavel Dourov knows the consequences and does it anyway. Last man back, he fouls the attacker. Red card.

Andy Halliday takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. PENALTY! Andy Halliday is brought down inside the 18-yard box! The defender went in with studs showing, the referee points to the spot. The TENSION is palpable, this is a KEY moment. The referee comes back from the screen, still hasn't made his call. The wait is cruel. Technology goes against Andy Halliday! No penalty, simulation! Short distribution from Unai Simón to Warmed Omari, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Jefferson Farfán tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Strike from Jefferson Farfán that sails over the bar and into the stands! The keeper watched it fly past without moving. Tidy restart from Unai Simón along the deck to Robert Lewandowski, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Unai Simón is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Wilson Mootoo puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. We're hearing that Robert Lewandowski spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 38, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Right then, part two. Robert Fernández adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Short restart from Unai Simón to Robert Fernández, building from the back nice and tidy. Lovely interception from Robert Fernández, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Robert Fernández keeps it short to Warmed Omari, no frills, just good football intelligence. Dummy from Warmed Omari, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Warmed Omari reaches the byline and cuts it back for Pavel Dourov arriving from the second wave.

Robert Lewandowski is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. The ball slips through Unai Simón's gloves, parried into the middle! It is chaos in front of goal! Pavel Dourov scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Unai Simón mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Robert Lewandowski does the wave with contortionist grace. Unai Simón solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. With one swing of the boot, Harry Kane finds Robert Fernández on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Wilson Mootoo puts in a desperate sprint to get back and it pays off, arrives just in time to clear. Wilson Mootoo steps across and blocks the runner's path. The referee spots it immediately. Wilson Mootoo picks up a yellow for a blatant tactical foul. He'll take that trade all day long. Wilson Mootoo tries to go over the wall with the free kick but it hits it. Poorly calibrated. Harry Kane floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Robert Lewandowski hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Pavel Dourov goes crossfield to Bukayo Saka, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Smart pass from Harry Kane into the hole for Wilson Mootoo, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Wilson Mootoo drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Robert Lewandowski is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Lost it. Robert Lewandowski kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Warmed Omari hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

Nicolò Tresoldi nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Nicolò Tresoldi pierces the backline with a low through ball, Robert Fernández latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. GOOOOOAL! Robert Fernández sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Nicolò Tresoldi, arms out like an aeroplane. Andy Halliday follows in like he's skiing. Unai Simón arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Andy Halliday accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Andy Halliday lays it off for Robert Lewandowski in the box, the ball arrives in perfect tempo. Robert Lewandowski takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

The computer scientist puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. Beautiful distribution from Unai Simón to Warmed Omari, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Warmed Omari throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Crossfield pass from Warmed Omari to Pavel Dourov, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Clean lay-off from the computer scientist to Warmed Omari into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class.

One touch football: Warmed Omari to Bukayo Saka, faster than the opposition can think. Free kick conceded by Bukayo Saka, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Yellow card. Bukayo Saka has been fouling all half, the referee finally acts. Bukayo Saka tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. Lifesaving clearance from Andy Halliday! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Warmed Omari has not moved since sitting down. Harry Kane is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Nicolò Tresoldi once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 22, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' Robert Lewandowski is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Wilson Mootoo finds Robert Fernández between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Robert Fernández tries to find Pavel Dourov but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Ball into space from Warmed Omari, Harry Kane just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Harry Kane floats a cross in from the wing for Nicolò Tresoldi, the ball hangs in the box! Header from Nicolò Tresoldi on the perfect cross from Warmed Omari, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Superb defensive work from Robert Fernández there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Key pass from Robert Fernández! It fizzes between the lines and Warmed Omari collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Warmed Omari picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

They've scored! Milano Piano-Piano find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Unai Simón mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Andy Halliday plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Unai Simón applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Robert Fernández senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Robert Fernández rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Robert Lewandowski. The far side is completely deserted.

Pavel Dourov puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Robert Lewandowski comes steaming in. Robert Lewandowski sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

And that's a goal! Milano Piano-Piano extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Rehearsed move all week: Unai Simón and Warmed Omari stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Unai Simón plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Robert Fernández threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Andy Halliday bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Andy Halliday bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Andy Halliday clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Nicolò Tresoldi gets across the near post first. Nicolò Tresoldi whips in the corner, it's a MELEE in there! The ball bounces everywhere, defense holds on!

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Unai Simón stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Robert Fernández peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-3 (L)

The pace is mental, nobody knows how this is going to end. Great overlap from Jefferson Farfán down the flank, pinpoint cross for Harry Kane in the area. This is the moment. Harry Kane lets his AERIAL GAME do the talking! On the cross from Jefferson Farfán, he scores with his head with crazy authority. GOAL!

Jefferson Farfán and Nicolò Tresoldi do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Unai Simón arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Harry Kane fires one in and BANG, it hits the defender's arm! Penalty! The ref saw it clear as a bell. Penalty from Robert Lewandowski! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Unai Simón sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Harry Kane, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Oh dear oh dear! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Unai Simón mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Jefferson Farfán plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Unai Simón applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner. Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Tremendous work from Andy Halliday who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Andy Halliday shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear.

Harry Kane puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. WHAT A SHAME for Harry Kane! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Shifting pass from Andy Halliday to Robert Lewandowski, the ball drifts into the free zone and Robert Lewandowski is onto it in two strides. Cut-back from Robert Lewandowski, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Pavel Dourov.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Harry Kane's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Harry Kane takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Andy Halliday once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 175 and 35, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Andy Halliday picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Oh it's gone in! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Warmed Omari sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Robert Lewandowski. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Great vision from Robert Lewandowski who finds Pavel Dourov in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. The computer scientist jumps the gun on Robert Fernández's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. Quick throw from Unai Simón to Harry Kane out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Harry Kane puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

Unai Simón launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Warmed Omari after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Warmed Omari slips Harry Kane in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Harry Kane finds Andy Halliday between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Late challenge from Robert Lewandowski, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. Booking for Robert Lewandowski, persistent fouling. The referee drew a line in the sand. Robert Lewandowski strikes but the wall stands firm, it's blocked. Unai Simón plays out from the back with Jefferson Farfán, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now. Bukayo Saka fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Nicolò Tresoldi throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Nicolò Tresoldi wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Quick one-two between Warmed Omari and Wilson Mootoo, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Wilson Mootoo anticipates the run from Nicolò Tresoldi and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Nicolò Tresoldi takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Inch-perfect cross from Nicolò Tresoldi, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Robert Lewandowski at the back post. Corner from Robert Lewandowski, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears!

It's a goal for Sevilla Olé-Olé! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Long ball from Jefferson Farfán to Robert Lewandowski, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Sublime through ball from Nicolò Tresoldi for Warmed Omari who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Lightning overlap from Warmed Omari, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

That's that, then. Bukayo Saka trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Nicolò Tresoldi hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Ball in behind from the computer scientist, Bukayo Saka is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Bukayo Saka spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Oh that's poor! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Unai Simón runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Harry Kane joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Low cut-back from Bukayo Saka, Andy Halliday arrives at pace and can hit it first time. NOOOOO Andy Halliday! The whole stadium had screamed goal after the pass from Bukayo Saka, but he fires wide of the open net. Stunned silence. Unai Simón sends an absolute rocket towards Harry Kane, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Long kick from Unai Simón, Robert Fernández positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Robert Fernández plays the simple ball to Nicolò Tresoldi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Effort from Andy Halliday that flies into the stands! The keeper didn't even pretend to move.

Classy interception from Robert Fernández, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Warmed Omari puts Bukayo Saka into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Unai Simón, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Unai Simón takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Back on the estate, Robert Lewandowski is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 38 and standing 185, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Harry Kane is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Almighty boot from Wilson Mootoo who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Unai Simón fires it out quickly by hand to Harry Kane, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Harry Kane goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Harry Kane clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Unai Simón launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Pavel Dourov after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Superb diagonal from the computer scientist to Robert Fernández, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Lovely use of the ball by Robert Fernández, finding Wilson Mootoo in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Unai Simón sparks the transition with a quick throw to Pavel Dourov, the break is lightning fast. Pavel Dourov plays it simple to Harry Kane, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Harry Kane tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Unai Simón opts for the short option to Pavel Dourov, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

The free kick from Jefferson Farfán clears the defence and finds Robert Lewandowski in the danger area. Cross from Robert Lewandowski cleared at the near post by the defence, that is frustrating. Jefferson Farfán boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. The opponent beats Bukayo Saka to the near post and wins the header. Bukayo Saka was caught on his heels.

Harry Kane unleashes a raking ball out to Warmed Omari, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Aerial duel won by Warmed Omari, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Warmed Omari feeds Pavel Dourov in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Long kick from Unai Simón, Jefferson Farfán positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Sideways ball from Jefferson Farfán to Robert Fernández, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Sideways ball from Robert Fernández to Harry Kane, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Overlap from Harry Kane on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Floated cross from Harry Kane off the right, Nicolò Tresoldi has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Perfect parity. Warmed Omari slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Unai Simón watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Unai Simón is up for the corner! The keeper has left his goal, this is the last roll of the dice. GOOOAL for Harry Kane! Perfect downward header on the delivery from Nicolò Tresoldi, the ball bounces in front of the keeper and ends up in the net!

Unai Simón fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Andy Halliday plays the medic running in. Unai Simón plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

GOAAAL! London Three-Pints make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

What a tackle by Robert Fernández! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GOAL from Andy Halliday with a LOB! The keeper rushes out, Andy Halliday stays COOL as ice and chips the ball over him. It drops into the empty net, that is MASTERFUL!

Harry Kane to Bukayo Saka, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Cut-back along the ground from Bukayo Saka on the right, Pavel Dourov picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. LOOONG range effort from Pavel Dourov! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Robert Lewandowski sees what nobody else sees and puts Jefferson Farfán through on goal with a genius through ball. Andy Halliday threads it through to Jefferson Farfán, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. Unai Simón smashes a volley towards Bukayo Saka, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Sideways ball from Bukayo Saka to Jefferson Farfán, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Robert Lewandowski is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Andy Halliday, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." And finally — Pavel Dourov was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 180, nobody questioned it. The man is 42 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Unai Simón high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Unai Simón getting right in the face of the opposition keeper, towering over the defenders. Robert Lewandowski springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Little shift from Robert Lewandowski to Wilson Mootoo, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Unai Simón boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Robert Fernández! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Robert Fernández changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Jefferson Farfán. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Jefferson Farfán wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Jefferson Farfán launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Unai Simón lumps it long towards Jefferson Farfán, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Wilson Mootoo reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

Free kick from Jefferson Farfán played as a cross, Robert Lewandowski positions himself at the far post. Cross blocked from Robert Lewandowski, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending. Corner from Robert Fernández into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away.

Driven kick from Unai Simón to Wilson Mootoo, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Wilson Mootoo looks for Andy Halliday with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Enormous clearance from Jefferson Farfán inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

The free kick is worked short, Bukayo Saka sets up Pavel Dourov who finds himself in a good position. The computer scientist whips in a classic cross for Andy Halliday in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Unai Simón catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling.

Final whistle! Andy Halliday bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. Unai Simón is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. London Three-Pints won't want to watch the highlights. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.