My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

79-123 (L)

Over the top of everybody. Hulk to LeBron James in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Baseline wide open. LeBron James said thank you. The ball skips around the perimeter, Spider-Man finds the open man on the weak side, and LeBron James buries it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Technical on the jedi master! He argues with people all day at work and loses those too, only this one costs a free throw.

Hulk walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way LeBron James does. LeBron James went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

The scientist pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Godzilla, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Halftime! Hulk looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know Hulk keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Cross court, on a rope, from the scientist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Lazy one-hander from Yoda through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH this thing is out of control! Yoda will not let that rival star have the last word tonight!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

LeBron James gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Spider-Man saw it a beat early. Beautiful footwork on that one from LeBron James, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. From WAY downtown! LeBron James launched that one from the parking lot!

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The superhero turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the superhero made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. That is the shot chart lying to you. Spider-Man did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Watch the spacing there, Yoda hits LeBron James right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Two defenders, one gap, and LeBron James finds it. Onions on that pass. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Hulk walks head down toward the tunnel. Spider-Man drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

100-104 (L)

Rising into two defenders, Hulk launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions. Nobody put a body on LeBron James and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Second chance points for LeBron James, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

The scientist just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

The scientist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Spider-Man rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. That is what heavy minutes do, Spider-Man has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The jedi master just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Hulk, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Getting to his spot and elevating, Hulk puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Break time. Godzilla bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Small detail: Godzilla whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Whammy Watch Live! To win a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-1073 and answer this question: 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

Godzilla reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The scientist misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Hulk has now cleaned up four misses tonight. The whole possession dies right there without Hulk on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Hulk lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Spider-Man drags Hulk away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Push the pace! Hulk grabs it and hits Spider-Man in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Spider-Man never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Catch, rise, splash. The superhero owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Spider-Man slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Yoda just did it by hitting Spider-Man on the back side with acres of room. STOP AND GO! Spider-Man hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Perfect drop-off from Godzilla, and Spider-Man answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Yoda gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Ball game on the line. Yoda. One trip. Yoda had this game won right up until the last rotation of the ball. Somebody get the man a chair.

Yoda clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hulk fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game show Whammy Watch Live! Doris Ann Pickerel of Skunk Cabbage, Connecticut, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' The answer was of course five foot two, and the dream was extremely convincing. Doris Ann therefore wins a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else! Tonight I had a revelation: Hulk runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

99-92 (W)

The scientist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! From eight feet LeBron James puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely. Another extra possession courtesy of the superhero, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. BAAAANG! Spider-Man rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Stone silence for one second, then Spider-Man lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Yoda answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Late rotation from Godzilla, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. Standing ovation for the player on the way to the bench. Fouled out, hands on the knees, and not one regret in this building.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James again, and the visiting coach is SPRINTING at the official for a timeout!

One hard step and Yoda owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Long miss from the jedi master and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break! LeBron James heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know LeBron James once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Somebody explain how the scientist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. A full spin move through traffic from the jedi master! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Yoda loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Yoda runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

The extra pass! Yoda had the look, gave it up anyway, and Spider-Man buries it. BANG! Buzzer on the shot clock, Spider-Man heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Clean feed from Spider-Man, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The defender crowded the middle, and Yoda punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. The jedi master just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Yoda sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

The jedi master makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. LeBron James drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Spider-Man rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

SKIP PASS! Yoda fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Hulk. The scientist gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the jedi master. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Sixty seconds in the huddle and LeBron James cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

LeBron James pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Hulk mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Hulk and Godzilla play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Hulk loses. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

90-105 (L)

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The scientist just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! OHHHH! Hulk went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Hulk, and not one single soul could do anything about it. That is the shot Hulk wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

No hero ball here: Hulk takes what the defense gives and moves it along. POCKET PASS! LeBron James threads it to Yoda between two bodies and the rim is wide open! LeBron James threads a BEAUTY to Yoda under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime. Hulk is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Hulk talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Second pass beats the rotation, Yoda to Spider-Man, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. You cannot foul a shooter out that far, and Spider-Man just made this defense pay the maximum price for it.

Straight to the logo at center court, Spider-Man plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Cross court, on a rope, from the jedi master. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Godzilla makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Oh my. Hulk did not even draw iron.

The crossover comes, Yoda bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. That is a foot speed problem. Godzilla keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the jedi master, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Godzilla the moment he crosses half court. OHHHH, Godzilla from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Godzilla sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to scientist the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Pull-up from the elbow by Godzilla, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Hulk has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Yoda precisely where the play wanted it. Yoda comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. LeBron James just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Down, up, and gone for LeBron James. The rim is just toying with him now.

The player commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Yoda is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Spider-Man waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

84-111 (L)

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Spider-Man gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Look at Hulk mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Yoda breaks a shell down. The scientist pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. The scientist lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

The superhero takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Rim out for Spider-Man, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The players head in. LeBron James slips on the wet tunnel floor. They say LeBron James has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Yoda attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! That is a dime from Godzilla that deserved so much better, and Yoda knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Third reach charged to Spider-Man. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain how the scientist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screened, toasted, done. Yoda is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the jedi master! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The scientist hit three straight and immediately decided he was allowed to shoot from the tunnel. He was not.

LeBron James got the ball, but he got it on the way down, and they are awarded the two anyway.

Set called, LeBron James waved out to the corner, and Hulk watches the spacing open up like a front door. Look how low LeBron James keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! LeBron James pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Watch how they bury Hulk in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Yoda and LeBron James share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! I got a text from Yoda after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

95-127 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Godzilla who wins the little argument at center court.

That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Hulk has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Pointing up at the family section, Hulk taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Hulk spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Hulk launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Court vision like that on the jedi master is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Four points. One possession. Are you KIDDING me, LeBron James?

LeBron James cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Spider-Man joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Halftime! Yoda is limping slightly heading off the court. Locker room intel: Yoda has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Deflection at midcourt, out and running, LeBron James finishes through the contact and the run keeps rolling.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Towels are FLYING for the scientist! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this. Second rejection of the quarter for Godzilla, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Spider-Man kicks it over to Yoda, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Yoda slips it to Godzilla right in the pocket. Surgical. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Godzilla goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

The superhero is the engine of a 10-0 run in front of a sold out arena! Somebody go check the schedule, this is not how the day was supposed to go! That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Godzilla has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH NO! LeBron James took the legs out from under a man in mid-air and that is a FLAGRANT TWO!

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to scientist the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Rises, releases, and LeBron James sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Hulk shakes Spider-Man's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

102-117 (L)

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Spider-Man shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Laser from Hulk, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Here comes Hulk sprinting off the elbow. Yoda slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. A cruel spin-out for the scientist, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Hulk threw it before the help even committed. The player turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Godzilla gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Rest time. LeBron James isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know LeBron James plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Swing, swing, and Spider-Man finds Godzilla on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Dribble handoff from Godzilla, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Off the back iron for Yoda, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The jedi master makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Give and go! Hulk gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the scientist, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The scientist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. From WAY downtown off the pop! Spider-Man with the extra pass and CASH. AIRBALL! Hulk missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

The player just got tossed for a flagrant two, and somewhere a shift supervisor is watching this on a break room TV in absolute horror.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the jedi master, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. GONE down the baseline! Godzilla beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The player spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Cross court, on a rope, from the scientist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Baseline spin from LeBron James at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for LeBron James, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Spider-Man. Late by a blink. Spider-Man is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Hulk hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Spider-Man keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! Tonight I learned Hulk used to be a scientist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

89-117 (L)

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Spider-Man has known that all night long. Unselfish basketball. Yoda passes up a good shot and hands Godzilla a GREAT one. Up goes the shot from Godzilla and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. OHHHH, what a read by Yoda! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. That is a forced shot from the superhero that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Spider-Man launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Godzilla pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with LeBron James. Brutal. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Godzilla owns the highlight reel tonight.

Godzilla rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. LeBron James plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Day job, then this: the superhero reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Hulk gets two, and the bench is already standing. Boring is beautiful, and Hulk is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

End of the first half. Spider-Man is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Spider-Man was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Ball moves. Spider-Man to Yoda, on time and on target. Yoda holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to LeBron James flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Third one of these from LeBron James this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The player just took a charge from a man twice his size and got up smiling. Absolute lunatic behavior, and we love it!

The defender planted his feet, and Hulk said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Hulk drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. A single dribble is all Yoda needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the jedi master, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Spider-Man! The jedi master just jumped a passing lane like a ten-year pro and took it the distance. What a league this is!

The jedi master just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Straight back to the office for the player, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Spider-Man's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Yoda breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

75-119 (L)

Yoda felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The defender fronted him, so Yoda sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Hulk already has the defense a full step behind. OHHHH the pocket pass! LeBron James splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Hulk had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Halftime! Godzilla walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. I've been told Godzilla always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the jedi master, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Off the pin-down comes the scientist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the scientist! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

The scientist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Godzilla turns the corner off the screen from Hulk, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Gift wrapped by Spider-Man, and Hulk cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Look at that bench! Spider-Man just lit the fuse! Nobody told the superhero that chasedown blocks are supposed to be above his pay grade.

That is five guys on a string and Yoda is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the scientist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The superhero misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Yoda is gone, so Hulk earned that one even if the box score disagrees. The jedi master just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Yoda is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Foul to give, and Godzilla gives it. Clock stops.

Hulk takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Spider-Man doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

78-122 (L)

He tried to rise over Godzilla. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Yoda is doing a fine traffic cone impression.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Active hands, quiet stat sheet. Hulk has been poking at everything that moves for two straight quarters. Off the glass and out of the gym, Godzilla launches it and the break is ON! A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Yoda do that to one of their own.

Yoda freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Denver Horse-Track coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

The locker room fills up. Spider-Man has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Spider-Man slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Hulk makes it every single trip down the floor. Hulk just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Spider-Man half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Ball into LeBron James at the elbow, Spider-Man plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Spider-Man.

Spider-Man crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Hulk mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

No hero ball here: Spider-Man takes what the defense gives and moves it along. A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Long miss from the player and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James undercut a guy in the air, that is the ONE play you never make in this league.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch the spacing there, Yoda hits Godzilla right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Kick out to Godzilla, one more to Hulk, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The crowd has found its chant, and Hulk is going to be hearing it all night.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Hulk threw it before the help even committed. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and LeBron James punishes it with a read most guys never even see. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the jedi master! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Left, right, gone. Hulk put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the scientist is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Godzilla. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Godzilla goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

LeBron James takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Spider-Man follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

92-117 (L)

The referee tosses it high and LeBron James rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Spider-Man retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Clang. Spider-Man wants that one back.

The scientist just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Whistle! Hulk got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. No wasted motion at all from Hulk. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Hulk did all the dirty work on that one. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, LeBron James panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Spider-Man to massage his thighs. Juicy intel: Spider-Man turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Spider-Man keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the superhero is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is vision. Hulk sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. REJECTED! Yoda takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

One little shoulder dip from Hulk and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Hulk. Cruel.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Yoda kicks it over to Godzilla, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Godzilla has all the room in the world. The player lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Right through the window. LeBron James to Hulk on the roll, and the help was a half step late. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by LeBron James. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

Hulk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Spider-Man looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

80-124 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but LeBron James winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hulk splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Long and gone. Godzilla floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Hulk controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Watch the sell from LeBron James here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. OHHHH, that one died in the air! LeBron James put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Halftime whistle. Spider-Man high-fives his teammates on the way out. Exclusive info: Spider-Man is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

The superhero pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Blocked into the floor. Spider-Man will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

In a game this tight, Godzilla cannot be giving away a free point over a call that was never coming back. Unforgivable.

LeBron James rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Court vision like that on the scientist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Yoda had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Yoda should never take with three teammates standing wide open. The shot is short, and LeBron James is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. The extra pass! LeBron James had the look, gave it up anyway, and Hulk buries it. BANG! Soft touch from Hulk, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Pointing up at the family section, Hulk taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Yoda threw it before the help even committed. LeBron James comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! LeBron James backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

LeBron James mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Cleveland Twin-Towers fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Godzilla hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

LeBron James collapses into the first available chair. Spider-Man stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

92-129 (L)

Won it clean! Godzilla got up and over him with room to spare.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Hulk threw it before the help even committed. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Godzilla and Yoda just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The big man never even contested it, and Godzilla still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Full stop, full sprint, and the scientist is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Hulk has earned every second of that reaction.

Break time. Godzilla bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know? Godzilla launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! To win a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles, text HOOPS to 555-0081 and answer this question: 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Godzilla feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Godzilla rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Pointing up at the family section, Godzilla taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Yoda kicks it over to Hulk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The extra pass! Hulk had the look, gave it up anyway, and LeBron James buries it. BANG! So close. LeBron James can only stare at the iron.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The scientist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. They do not teach that in the superhero handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. The player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Spider-Man keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Spider-Man pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. LeBron James mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Spider-Man pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Spider-Man cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Hulk!

Hulk launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Watch the change of pace from LeBron James, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. LeBron James blows the wide open layup!

You judge a locker room by moments like this. LeBron James makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. From behind! Godzilla tracks him down and takes the ball right off the backboard.

LeBron James pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Yoda takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! Geraldine Sump of Grimy Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' The answer was of course until the exact second somebody else listens for it. Geraldine takes home a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles! I learned backstage that Yoda also does scientist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

87-110 (L)

Laser from Hulk, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Here comes the slip from Hulk, and Yoda reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Hulk hands it off to Yoda, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Perfect arc. Hulk makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Ice in the veins: Hulk taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

They are burning a timeout on the jedi master! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Godzilla eats the contact so Spider-Man can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. The superhero just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

A full spin move through traffic from the superhero! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Spider-Man draws the foul on a THREE-POINT attempt. The building groans, the coach turns around, and nobody wants to make eye contact.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. Little secret: LeBron James listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

No hero ball here: Yoda takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Whirl, and GONE! Godzilla leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Shot clock at one, and Godzilla just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Not a hand on him. Hulk flat missed the bunny. Yoda SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. The jedi master just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! This building is SHAKING. Spider-Man just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Spider-Man pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Day job, then this: the superhero reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. No touch. LeBron James left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Over the top of everybody. Spider-Man to Hulk in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Hesitate, GO. Hulk is by that hip before the man even blinks. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. LeBron James attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Fifth possession this half where LeBron James has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Spider-Man just did it by hitting Godzilla on the back side with acres of room. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Godzilla fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Hulk and Godzilla share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

90-135 (L)

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Clean feed from Hulk, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH the separation! Yoda just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Yoda lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Iron AGAIN for Hulk! Somebody put a lid on that rim and every possession has turned into pure suffering. A whole possession dies in the hands of the scientist without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Hulk! Nothing but runway to the rim! The defense keeps turning contested looks by Yoda into free points. STOP REACHING. Two for two from the jedi master, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Yoda rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Hulk plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Halftime whistle! Yoda slides down against the hallway wall. Small detail: Yoda whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Watch the arms on LeBron James, straight up, no arm bar, nothing for the officials to blow. That is coaching and discipline.

The chasedown is the hardest hustle play in this sport, and Spider-Man just made it look routine. BAAAANG! Yoda throws the outlet ahead and Spider-Man finishes through contact at the rim!

Down by the baseline, Spider-Man points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. LeBron James is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The help defender committed way too early, and Hulk made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Prayer from Hulk. Not answered.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Godzilla.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SKIP PASS! Yoda fires it cross court to Spider-Man and the defense is dead in the water! The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

The scientist runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. The superhero just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Spider-Man sequence back frame by frame. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Spider-Man when that light comes on. Waved off.

LeBron James is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Yoda waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?