My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Chris Paul. The man. The beast. Standing at 183 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed A chicken. The man. Is. A guitarist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A guitarist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their electric guitar and apparently, the technical motion of a guitarist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-122 (L)
Tip-off! Dwayne Johnson gets us started! Let's go!
A chicken, this up-and-coming baller, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
A chicken with the backcourt violation! This next-level player under too much pressure!
Chris Paul, this solid build, fouls unnecessarily back to the basket! Lack of consistency!
This generational talent Dwayne Johnson shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
First half is done. Jesus Christ is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Exclusive info: Jesus Christ is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Dwayne Johnson with the contested pull-up jumper at the buzzer! No good! Bad selection!
A chicken gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from shredding the blazing solo and hooping!
Dwayne Johnson tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Ego the size of Texas in the decision-making!
This absolute legend Dwayne Johnson hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the top of the key!
Nathan Cleary sits alone on the bench. This raw talent processing the defeat.
Nathan Cleary stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Dwayne Johnson exhales. Again. And again. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Nathan Cleary's name. Forgive me. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
115-108 (W)
And we're underway! Chris Paul touches the pill first! This top-tier talent looks eager!
A floater from Nathan Cleary off the pick and roll! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Jesus Christ takes the ball right out of their hands! Grip of a messiah!
Dwayne Johnson steps back and dishes! Gorgeous feed from mid-range! That dawg mentality!
A chicken zones up! Defensive zone like a guitarist's the blazing solo zone!
Intermission. Chris Paul dumps an entire water bottle over his head. True story: Chris Paul walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Miami Heart-Attack. Awkward. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Chris Paul, this All-Star caliber talent, drills another layup under the basket! Automatic!
The building is buzzing! Chris Paul and an incredible energy creating magic!
A chicken draws the attention! Magnetic presence, the guitarist aura is undeniable!
Chris Paul, this top-tier talent, has been building to this all game! Late in the quarter!
Jesus Christ tallied double figures! Double the game, double the glory!
Jesus Christ and Dwayne Johnson fake a wrestling match. Chris Paul plays the referee and calls a timeout. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
79-123 (L)
This jersey-selling name Chris Paul in the starting lineup! Let's see what this jersey-selling name brings!
A chicken, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild layup!
Dwayne Johnson, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
This well-respected player A chicken fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
This franchise cornerstone Dwayne Johnson can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Coach calls everyone back. Dwayne Johnson drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Dwayne Johnson once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
A chicken forces up a thunderous slam over the defense! Shaky emotions under pressure! Bad decision!
Chris Paul, this established star, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
This unknown gem Nathan Cleary stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
A chicken takes the loss hard! Hard as the blazing solo on a bad guitarist day!
A chicken pulls his cap down over his eyes. Jesus Christ doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-115 (L)
Nathan Cleary gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a rugby league player on day one!
Chris Paul, this jersey-selling name, comes up empty! A tear drop off target on the low block!
Jesus Christ throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the messiah got too confident!
Nathan Cleary gets blown by! Even a rugby league player couldn't stop that!
This global icon Dwayne Johnson throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Halftime. Dwayne Johnson glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: Dwayne Johnson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Nathan Cleary shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A rugby league player lost in the noise!
Nathan Cleary dribbles a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
This first-ballot legend Dwayne Johnson with turnover number buckets! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Nathan Cleary mouths off on a clutch free throw! A rugby league player venting about the defensive line!
Chris Paul, this reliable star, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Nathan Cleary's eyes are glassy. Chris Paul mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
100-120 (L)
Game time! Jesus Christ and this first-ballot legend ready to put on a show at the gymnasium!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, can't get a deep three to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This franchise guy Chris Paul loses concentration and the pill with it!
Jesus Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jesus Christ turns the elbow into a workshop. A scoop layup crafted with their bare hands!
Both teams head in. A chicken has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. True story: A chicken had his parking spot stolen by Phoenix No-Defense's mascot. Still talks about it. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Nathan Cleary tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the rugby league player will bounce back!
This reliable star Chris Paul short-arms a scoop layup on the low block! Not enough lift!
Dwayne Johnson sets the screen at the perfect angle! This all-time great cerebral play!
Dwayne Johnson, this versatile guy, looks exhausted driving to the hoop! The legs are gone!
Dwayne Johnson dunks past the media. This absolute legend not in the mood to talk.
A chicken watches the crowd file out in silence. Chris Paul prefers not to look. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-130 (L)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Nathan Cleary throws up a clunker! Their league jersey would weep at that trajectory!
Nathan Cleary throws it out of bounds! Like launching their league jersey into the void!
This all-time great Dwayne Johnson bites on the fake! Beaten from the left corner!
Jesus Christ, this franchise cornerstone, with the frustrated foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in tough moments!
Halftime. Chris Paul throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Chris Paul tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
A chicken fires a brick driving to the hoop! Way off, even for a guitarist!
Jesus Christ barely gets back on defense! Moving like a messiah on a Friday afternoon!
Sloppy handling by Jesus Christ! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Chris Paul crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This big-name player losing composure!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Jesus Christ isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Dwayne Johnson tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
81-125 (L)
Nathan Cleary checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Heavy feet!
Nathan Cleary turns it over in the low post! Butterfingers from this rugby league player!
Dwayne Johnson, this swiss-army-knife type, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
Chris Paul mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Halftime. The doctor examines A chicken's shoulder while the others catch their breath. I've been told A chicken always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Brick! Jesus Christ misfires back to the basket! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Dwayne Johnson steps back sluggishly! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up with this global icon!
Dwayne Johnson steps back carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Chris Paul walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Nathan Cleary drags one foot after the other. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Chris Paul's name. Forgive me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-121 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the field house! From competing the game to this, game time!
Nathan Cleary goes to work but the shot rims out! Defense that's basically a suggestion rears its ugly head!
Dwayne Johnson coughs up the Wilson! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again along the baseline!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Dwayne Johnson with an incredible floater on the low block! Standing ovation!
Back in the locker room, Chris Paul sits down and stares at the ceiling. Physio's confession: Chris Paul purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
A chicken picks up the second technical! This solid pro ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
This headliner Chris Paul misfires again! Tendency to rush could cost the team!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-time great, orchestrates the delay game! Unreal swagger in action!
Jesus Christ powers through! The messiah in them won't quit on the game!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Dwayne Johnson whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Jesus Christ nods without conviction. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-127 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Jesus Christ misses at coming out of the locker room! A messiah dropping the game at the worst time!
A chicken, this all-around player, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
A chicken gets posterized! A guitarist framed by their electric guitar in the worst way!
Chris Paul attacks the towel! This top-tier talent showing hot head!
End of the second quarter. Dwayne Johnson is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Locker room intel: Dwayne Johnson has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
A step-back three from Dwayne Johnson catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This living legend Dwayne Johnson signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Chris Paul throws it into the stands! What was that from this world-class player!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
This player nobody saw coming Nathan Cleary tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Dwayne Johnson rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jesus Christ picks up his own and folds it carefully. I got a text from Dwayne Johnson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-134 (L)
Dwayne Johnson takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
This multi-time All-Star Chris Paul with a rare miss on the low block! Even the best stumble!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the Wilson!
Nathan Cleary loses the screen battle! Tendency to rush around the picks!
Dwayne Johnson, this potential GOAT, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
Intermission. Dwayne Johnson dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Confession: Dwayne Johnson calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Nathan Cleary misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their league jersey at the defensive line!
This top-tier talent Chris Paul has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Chris Paul with a wild pass that sails out! This reliable star giving it away!
Nathan Cleary shakes their head! A rugby league player who can't believe that just happened!
This elite player Chris Paul leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Nathan Cleary stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Dwayne Johnson exhales. Again. And again. Evening confession: I'm wearing Nathan Cleary's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
96-127 (L)
The game begins and Chris Paul is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
A chicken rushes a fadeaway jumper from downtown! Lack of consistency creeping in!
A chicken charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
Nathan Cleary overcommits! Going all-in like a rugby league player on the defensive line, but wrong!
This franchise guy Chris Paul does it again! A pull-up jumper with effortless precision!
First half is done. Dwayne Johnson is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little scoop: Dwayne Johnson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
A chicken can't finish! The guitarist who finishes the blazing solo can't finish the play!
Nathan Cleary, this hidden prospect, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Dwayne Johnson, this potential GOAT, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Dwayne Johnson walks off in silence. This once-in-a-lifetime player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
A chicken chews his nails on the bench. Chris Paul stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-115 (L)
A chicken fires up the crowd to open the game! This seasoned vet starting strong!
Chris Paul with the off-balance floater! This max-contract guy couldn't set the feet!
Chris Paul with the errant pass! This elite player needs to settle down!
This newcomer Nathan Cleary picks up the cheap foul! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Nathan Cleary racks up a floater! Productive night for this rugby league player!
The locker room. Nathan Cleary sprawls out full-length on the bench. Staff confession: Nathan Cleary is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
A chicken looks to the heavens! A guitarist praying for their electric guitar to work!
Nathan Cleary fires and misses from the left corner. Should have stuck with the defensive line!
Nathan Cleary reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this rugby league player!
Jesus Christ gulps water! As thirsty as a messiah reaching for the game!
Dwayne Johnson, this tweener, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Dwayne Johnson scratches the back of his neck nervously. Nathan Cleary has the look of someone who has seen things. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
94-116 (L)
A chicken begins their shift on the den! A guitarist starting the their electric guitar shift!
Dwayne Johnson, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look but can't convert along the baseline!
A chicken, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
This household name Jesus Christ caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Dwayne Johnson answers back with a buzzer beater! Freakish explosiveness under pressure!
The players head to the locker room. Nathan Cleary is sweating like a racehorse. Little scoop: Nathan Cleary logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jesus Christ sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a messiah after a long shift!
Nathan Cleary penetrates and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
This franchise cornerstone Dwayne Johnson switches defensive assignments on the fly! Night-in night-out consistency!
Jesus Christ plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
Nathan Cleary sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a rugby league player after their league jersey broke!
Chris Paul closes his eyes walking out. A chicken keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Tonight I learned Chris Paul used to be a rugby league player before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-121 (L)
Chris Paul, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
Dwayne Johnson misfires driving to the hoop! This hall-of-fame lock searching for answers!
Dwayne Johnson fires away the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this undisputed superstar!
Nathan Cleary gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the defensive line behind their league jersey!
Nathan Cleary slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rugby league player hits the workbench!
Break! Chris Paul grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Chris Paul failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Nathan Cleary can't connect! Their league jersey in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Nathan Cleary gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a rugby league player begging the defensive line for mercy!
Dwayne Johnson with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Chris Paul, this all-around player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite silky smooth technique effort.
Nathan Cleary sits on the floor in the hallway. Dwayne Johnson sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-128 (L)
Nathan Cleary spins with energy from the opening whistle! This who-is-this-guy player locked in!
That one wasn't even close, Jesus Christ! Stick to competing the game!
Jesus Christ with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Dwayne Johnson gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Dwayne Johnson, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Well-deserved break. Chris Paul looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Chris Paul was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Jesus Christ misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
Chris Paul is running on pure willpower! This certified bucket refusing to quit!
This top-tier talent Chris Paul dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jesus Christ vents at their teammates! The messiah who vents about the game!
Nathan Cleary refuses to make excuses! A rugby league player owns the defensive line failures too!
Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Dwayne Johnson decides not to comment. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Chris Paul.
Season journal
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