My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Hulk. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Mr. Bean. The man is an amateur. A freaking amateur. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-125 (L)
Mr. Bean, this do-it-all player, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
Mr. Bean, this do-it-all player, bobbles the leather and the chance evaporates at half court!
Sloppy handling by Jesus Christ! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jesus Christ turns the head and loses the man! This hall-of-fame lock napping defensively!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this living legend, with the frustrated foul! Heavy feet in tough moments!
Back in the locker room, Hulk sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? Hulk once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jesus Christ with a wild attempt! This living legend not finding the range tonight!
This guy with a proven track record Mr. Bean can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Cristiano Ronaldo picks up the second technical! This once-in-a-lifetime player ejected! Hot head!
Hulk penetrates to the tunnel in disappointment. This hall-of-fame lock will learn from this.
Godzilla refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Hulk watches it and immediately regrets it. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
77-122 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the association football player means business!
Godzilla fires a buzzer-beater facing the rim but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Godzilla reacts too late to rotate! Occasional mental lapses on the help side!
Jesus Christ mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Halftime. Mr. Bean is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Small detail: Mr. Bean whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Godzilla, this versatile guy, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
Jesus Christ short-arms the shot from fatigue! This undisputed superstar has nothing left!
Hulk throws it away! A pass worse than a scientist tossing the hidden truth!
Godzilla mutters to himself walking back! This certified bucket fighting inner demons!
This up-and-coming baller Mr. Bean shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
Hulk lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Cristiano Ronaldo decides not to comment. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-131 (L)
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!
Jesus Christ misfires at half court! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Cristiano Ronaldo with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
This solid pro Mr. Bean picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
This legit talent Mr. Bean hangs the head after the miss! Deflated on the low block!
Halftime whistle. Godzilla high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Godzilla has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Brick! Jesus Christ misfires from the left corner! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Cristiano Ronaldo can't get lift! Legs heavy as their football boots after this ball game!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this tweener, gets stripped from downtown! Lack of consistency exposed!
Mr. Bean, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Limited stamina creeping in!
Mr. Bean reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Godzilla and Mr. Bean share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
74-119 (L)
Jesus Christ announces themselves! The messiah has arrived and the building knows it!
Cristiano Ronaldo fades away but overcooks it! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing up again!
Godzilla loses the leather in traffic! This reliable star can't afford that!
Cristiano Ronaldo gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the winning goal behind their football boots!
Jesus Christ stares in disbelief! The look of a messiah who just lost everything!
Halftime. The doctor examines Godzilla's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Rumor has it Godzilla has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk muscles up a euro-step but can't get it to fall!
This up-and-coming baller Mr. Bean can't close out! The legs are shot at half court!
Cristiano Ronaldo turns it over in the money time! An association football player dropping their football boots at the worst time!
Mr. Bean, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated driving to the hoop!
Hulk tips the cap to the winners! The scientist's grace with the hidden truth!
Mr. Bean slams his fist on the bench. Cristiano Ronaldo places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
73-118 (L)
This absolute legend Jesus Christ comes out firing! A deep three in the first minute!
Cristiano Ronaldo can't find the range! Their football boots has better accuracy than that!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the ball!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This reliable star Godzilla shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
That's a wrap for now. Mr. Bean dives into the tunnel. They say Mr. Bean has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ misfires from downtown! This generational talent searching for answers!
Hulk mops their face! Sweating more than when discoverring the hidden truth!
Hulk with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost scientist!
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Cristiano Ronaldo looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for an association football player!
Hulk stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jesus Christ exhales. Again. And again. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
84-128 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo lands the first bucket! First blood! The association football player strikes first!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild bucket!
This world-class player Godzilla with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Jesus Christ can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Mr. Bean dribbles the towel! This dude putting the league on notice showing injury-prone body!
Halftime whistle! Godzilla grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: Godzilla has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Mr. Bean with the off-balance off-balance shot! This up-and-coming baller couldn't set the feet!
Jesus Christ labors up the court! Trudging like a messiah dragging the game!
Hulk double-dribbles! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't have that rule!
Mr. Bean gets a technical for complaining! Heavy feet on full display!
Cristiano Ronaldo refuses to make excuses! An association football player owns the winning goal failures too!
Cristiano Ronaldo presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Jesus Christ walks right past without noticing. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-119 (L)
Tip-off! Mr. Bean gets us started! Let's go!
Godzilla forces a deep three back to the basket! This big-name player trying too hard!
Jesus Christ gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a messiah's grip!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this solid build, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Cristiano Ronaldo shakes their head! An association football player who can't believe that just happened!
Heading in. Cristiano Ronaldo's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Rumor has it Cristiano Ronaldo does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Mr. Bean, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stuffed trying a buzzer beater! Denied!
This potential GOAT Cristiano Ronaldo stumbles! The fatigue is real after this ball game!
This certified GOAT candidate Cristiano Ronaldo with turnover number lengths ahead! Injury-prone body is piling up!
Mr. Bean, this next-level player, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Hulk walks off in defeat! Even a scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Godzilla collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does association football player on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-128 (L)
Godzilla blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This established star locked in!
Cristiano Ronaldo puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their football boots can save that!
Cristiano Ronaldo lets fly into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game!
Godzilla gets crossed over! This All-Star caliber talent left frozen from downtown!
Mr. Bean glares at the scoreboard! This next-level player not happy with the situation!
Halftime. Cristiano Ronaldo wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Little scoop: Cristiano Ronaldo collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Hulk, this hall-of-fame lock, with the shot-clock heave! No good back to the basket!
Jesus Christ leans on their knees! Gassed, but the messiah keeps going!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Hulk looks to the heavens! A scientist praying for their lab notebook to work!
Hulk consoles teammates! The heart of a scientist in that moment!
Hulk mutters while walking out. Godzilla watches from the corner of his eye, worried. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-130 (L)
Mr. Bean dribbles into position! This league veteran not wasting any time!
This all-time great Hulk throws up a prayer driving to the hoop! Not answered!
This basketball god Jesus Christ commits the offensive foul! Turnover from mid-range!
Godzilla gets caught flat-footed! This established star beaten to the spot!
Hulk glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this scientist!
Time to breathe. Mr. Bean has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. They say Mr. Bean has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Hulk, this versatile guy, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Cristiano Ronaldo bends over during the dead ball! This hall-of-fame lock gathering what's left!
Intercepted! Hulk's pass snatched right out of the air! A scientist would never be that careless!
Hulk throws their hands up! Like a scientist when their lab notebook breaks!
This bonafide star Godzilla stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this bonafide star wanted.
Cristiano Ronaldo sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Evening confession: I'm wearing Cristiano Ronaldo's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-133 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo starts in the sharpshooter! Playing the sharpshooter way an association football player plays with their football boots!
Jesus Christ whiffs on the jumper! A messiah off their game with their bare hands!
Cristiano Ronaldo launches the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this all-time great!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
Cristiano Ronaldo dishes and kicks the stanchion! This first-ballot legend losing composure!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Hulk walks head down toward the tunnel. True story: Hulk had his parking spot stolen by Denver Horse-Track's mascot. Still talks about it. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Mr. Bean, this do-it-all player, can't finish at half court! That one stings!
Mr. Bean is cramping up! This hooper's hooper trying to shake it off! Ego the size of Texas!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Godzilla storms to the bench! This max-contract guy is visibly upset!
Mr. Bean had the chances but couldn't convert. This player on the come-up left wanting.
Mr. Bean watches the crowd file out in silence. Jesus Christ prefers not to look. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-134 (L)
This undisputed superstar Hulk gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Godzilla rushes a half-court heave from downtown! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Godzilla, this all-around player, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
This solid pro Mr. Bean misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This dude putting the league on notice Mr. Bean gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
End of the second quarter. Godzilla is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know? Godzilla tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
Hulk calls for the sub! Even a scientist's stamina with their lab notebook has limits!
Godzilla with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Jesus Christ fades away away from the huddle! This certified GOAT candidate in a dark place mentally!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Cristiano Ronaldo turns back to look at the court one last time. Jesus Christ doesn't turn around. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-134 (L)
And we're underway! Mr. Bean touches the Wilson first! This up-and-coming baller looks eager!
Cristiano Ronaldo heaves and misses! Should have heaved the winning goal instead!
Cristiano Ronaldo dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the association football player's finest moment!
This established player Mr. Bean fouls reaching in! Heavy feet on defense!
Mr. Bean drops the head after another miss! Sometimes predictable game sapping the confidence!
Intermission. Mr. Bean dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Physio's confession: Mr. Bean purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Hulk, this certified GOAT candidate, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Mr. Bean is running on pure willpower! This league veteran refusing to quit!
Mr. Bean spins into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
This franchise cornerstone Hulk stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
Cristiano Ronaldo lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jesus Christ decides not to comment. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-121 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo drives onto the floor! The crowd roars for this global icon!
This living legend Jesus Christ whiffs on a double-clutch layup! The crowd groans!
Hulk loses possession! The hidden truth never leaves a scientist's hands like that!
Godzilla gets posted up and scored on! This multi-time All-Star overpowered!
Cristiano Ronaldo buries their face! Hidden from view, the association football player can't watch!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Jesus Christ plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Mr. Bean with the contested double-clutch layup under the basket! No good! Bad selection!
Hulk powers through! The scientist in them won't quit on the hidden truth!
Turnover by Hulk! Discoverring the hidden truth requires less coordination, clearly!
Jesus Christ mouths off on the decisive possession! A messiah venting about the game!
Godzilla walks off in silence. This elite player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Cristiano Ronaldo rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jesus Christ picks up his own and folds it carefully. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-119 (L)
Hulk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Mr. Bean blows past the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this guy with a proven track record!
Jesus Christ with a wild pass that sails out! This global icon giving it away!
Hulk bites on the fake! Fooled like a scientist by counterfeit the hidden truth!
Jesus Christ is visibly upset! Upset as a messiah when the game goes sideways!
First half is done. Jesus Christ is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Jesus Christ knits to unwind? Made a scarf in San Antonio Skyscrapers's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
A layup by Cristiano Ronaldo from the left corner is way off! Tough night for this household name!
Godzilla launches but can't sustain the effort! Ego the size of Texas emptying the tank!
Mr. Bean passes to nobody! This guy with a proven track record with a head-scratching decision!
Hulk storms to the bench! Heated! This scientist doesn't handle losing well!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Cristiano Ronaldo taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Jesus Christ walks through the door without pushing it. I learned that Cristiano Ronaldo's father was an association football player. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-122 (L)
Opening possession for Cristiano Ronaldo! First touch, like first touch of their football boots!
A pull-up jumper attempt by Mr. Bean falls short! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
This next-level player Mr. Bean forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Jesus Christ scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Jesus Christ to massage his thighs. The staff told me Jesus Christ sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Godzilla can't buy a bucket! Another miss in transition! Frustrating!
This world-class player Godzilla is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Hulk botches the handoff! Even their lab notebook exchanges go smoother!
Godzilla slams the orange in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Hulk shakes hands through the pain! A scientist who respects their lab notebook and the game!
Mr. Bean scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hulk has the look of someone who has seen things. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hulk.
Season journal
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