My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-3 (L)

Clumsy challenge from Ultimate Iron Man, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Lovely cross from the engineer on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. The superhero meets the cross from Thanos with his head and scores! GOOOAL! In that position, that aerial game is an insane weapon.

It's hit the back of the net! Paris Saint-Glinglin lead and we look completely lost.

Spider-Man climbs onto Thanos's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Spider-Man circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Massive punt from Spider-Man, sends the ball sixty yards, Barry Allen is scrapping for it up top. The superhero is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. Ball in the gloves of Spider-Man! Clean handling, the keeper does not flinch for a second. Hulk plays it simple to Ultimate Iron Man, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Galactus launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Galactus, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Quick exchange between Ultimate Iron Man and Black Flash, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Barry Allen spots Hulk in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Thanos has not moved since sitting down. Mister Fantastic is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Planning records show Galactus's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 28-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' And they are off! Spider-Man touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

GOAAAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Spider-Man legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Mister Fantastic tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

What a block! Galactus slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Galactus looks up and launches a long pass towards Ultimate Iron Man. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

The corner from Ultimate Iron Man is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Thanos sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Thanos pings a ridiculous diagonal to Wally West. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Wally West with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

Galactus goes for the slide but his timing is absolutely shocking. Ends up face down, all alone. Spider-Man parries it weakly and the ball is loose in the middle! The defence has to do his job for him. Lifesaving clearance from Wolverine! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

And it's in! Paris Saint-Glinglin take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Spider-Man runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Wally West joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Ball over the top from Wolverine, Ultimate Iron Man had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. The engineer butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre.

Lightning one-two between Wally West and Super Sonic, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. Body feint from the superhero, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Wally West finds Barry Allen between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Lovely corner from the player but the header ends up wide. In that position, when you put the ball in the right area and it does not go in, the finishers need to look at themselves. Massive clearance from Mister Fantastic, just get the ball as far away as possible. The superhero dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

Wolverine sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Mister Fantastic reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Mister Fantastic. Wolverine almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

HANDBALL in the box! Mister Fantastic's shot is blocked by an outstretched arm. The ref gives the penalty immediately. GOOOOAL from Barry Allen! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Mister Fantastic kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Galactus takes a knee behind him. Spider-Man raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Brilliant tackle from Barry Allen! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. The superhero dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. Short restart from Spider-Man to Black Flash, building from the back nice and tidy. Switch from Black Flash! The ball arcs over the midfield and Barry Allen collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

GOAL for México No-Era-Penal! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Spider-Man ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Thanos leaps over him. Spider-Man walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Instinctive clearance from Barry Allen who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Hulk links up with Galactus, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Galactus steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Super Sonic, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Super Sonic takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. A delightful revelation — Wally West panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 28 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' And they are off! Wolverine touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The referee spots the foul by Mister Fantastic, a push in the back on the opponent. Mister Fantastic is booked for repeated fouls. Should have come five minutes ago, honestly. Free kick from Mister Fantastic but it hits the wall, no miracle today.

Ultimate Iron Man plays it to Hulk on the short corner, the defense comes out to press. Hulk spreads it to Mister Fantastic, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Mister Fantastic picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

Superb tackle from the scientist, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. The overlap from Wolverine, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. The superhero whips in a classic cross for Black Flash in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Absolutely appalling challenge from Mister Fantastic on the attacker. The stadium erupts in anger. Play has stopped, the referee is heading to the pitchside screen. This could change everything. Card upgraded for the explorer! In this position, commitment is needed but the line is thin. The explorer is dismissed for violent conduct. His team now faces the rest of the match with ten men because of one reckless moment. Free kick swung in by Mister Fantastic, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Galactus is lurking.

Mister Fantastic slips Super Sonic in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Turnover from Super Sonic, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Wally West intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Wally West lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Lay-off from Hulk to Thanos, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Hulk throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Brilliant switch of play from Thanos! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Hulk. Pinpoint delivery from the scientist towards Mister Fantastic, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The opponent gets the better of the explorer in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Aerial claim from Spider-Man! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard.

Honours even. Barry Allen finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Spider-Man walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Thanos puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Nutmeg from Thanos on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. GOOOAL from the player! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Thanos places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Ultimate Iron Man falls to his knees bowing. Spider-Man does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Black Flash charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. What a GOAL from Mister Fantastic! On the cross from Wolverine, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Black Flash and Barry Allen do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Spider-Man arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Quick throw from Spider-Man to Galactus out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Quick one-two between Galactus and Ultimate Iron Man, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Lazy pass from Ultimate Iron Man, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect.

Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Galactus leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Galactus. And you, Hulk. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Sources confirm Galactus once spent four hours in Primark and came out wearing head-to-toe matching leopard print. At 180, the 28-year-old looked like a giraffe having an identity crisis. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Spider-Man is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Textbook tackle from Barry Allen there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Barry Allen gifts Hulk a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Hulk controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

GOAAAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Spider-Man sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Mister Fantastic photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Black Flash plays it back in the area for Wally West, the defence is opened up like a book. Incredible miss from Wally West! Hulk does everything right and he fluffs it in front of an open goal. Unforgivable. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

The referee adds on minutes, the suspense has reached fever pitch. superhero drags every pass. With his experience in the role, he knows exactly when to slow it down. Free kick conceded by the superhero, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Free kick from Barry Allen looped in, the ball is dropped onto Thanos at the penalty spot. The player misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in.

The scientist finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Wolverine clean through. Pure genius from that position. Wolverine has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Ultimate Iron Man clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Short distribution from Spider-Man to Black Flash, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Black Flash reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Black Flash was quicker.

Wing switch from Hulk, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Wolverine brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The superhero reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. The ball from Wolverine rips through the defensive curtain, Wally West is flying into the space like an arrow. SHOOOOOOT from Wally West! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Barry Allen shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Galactus goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Wolverine powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. PENALTY for the superhero! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. Powerful penalty from Wolverine, the keeper dived the right way but it was too strong.

Black Flash has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. The ball strikes the defender's arm from Black Flash's shot. PENALTY! The ref is bang on with that call. IT'S MISSED! Ultimate Iron Man sends his penalty wide of the frame. The pressure has done its job.

Monumental ball from Wolverine to Hulk, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. The scientist shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well.

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Mister Fantastic winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Spider-Man distributes short to Black Flash, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Acceleration from Black Flash down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Mister Fantastic launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Hulk, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Phenomenal leap from Hulk who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Short build-up from Hulk to Galactus, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Black Flash stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Dakar Teranga FC. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Hulk cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Thanos, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 1012-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Spider-Man leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Dakar Teranga FC score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Short free kick, Mister Fantastic gives it to Ultimate Iron Man who finds himself with space to work with. Ultimate Iron Man tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. What a horror show from Mister Fantastic! The ball flies into the scenery, the fans are gently taking the mick.

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Strike from Super Sonic that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. DUEL won by Spider-Man! He comes out at the feet, claims the ball, CLEAN and CRISP! The scientist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Diagonal from Thanos to Mister Fantastic, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Mister Fantastic rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Header from Mister Fantastic, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

Black Flash delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Hulk is there to receive. The cross from Hulk is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Corner from Super Sonic but it is cleared at the near post by a defender.

Level. Galactus picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Super Sonic waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

Nightmare! Douala Makossa-Corner score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Spider-Man strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Hulk points at it, jaw on the floor. Spider-Man shakes his head, not believing it.

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. Black Flash sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Ultimate Iron Man in the thick of it. GOOOOAL! Ultimate Iron Man flies like a bird on the cross from Black Flash and powers his header into the bottom corner!

The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Wolverine tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Spider-Man plays it short to Black Flash, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Spider-Man takes his time and plays it short to Mister Fantastic. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Good ball from Mister Fantastic to Wally West, playing it quick between the lines. The superhero roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Wally West dinks his cross over the defensive curtain for Super Sonic, the kind of delivery that brings the crowd to its feet. Super Sonic heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Barry Allen stares at the carnage. Galactus swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Nutritionists are baffled by Super Sonic's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Spider-Man sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Spider-Man boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Hulk! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Duel lost by Hulk, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. WHAT A DIVE from the superhero! That kind of keeper gives the whole team confidence. On the corner from Mister Fantastic, Barry Allen rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar.

Good run from Super Sonic who crosses to the near post for Galactus. The defender is beaten to it. The cross from Galactus is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky. Corner from Super Sonic, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box. Wally West reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball.

Wally West cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. SO CLOSE! Ultimate Iron Man sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough.

Galactus with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Enormous clearance from Galactus inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Lovely anticipation from the superhero who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Barry Allen. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The superhero lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Short pass from the player to Wolverine, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Step-over from Wolverine, he ghosts past his man in one move! The superhero lays it off first time to Barry Allen, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Free kick played short by the explorer! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Hulk keeps it short to Ultimate Iron Man, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Full time. Barry Allen applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Ultimate Iron Man joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Black Flash dinks a lob over the defenders for Ultimate Iron Man, the ball lands like a feather. Oh the FINISH! Ultimate Iron Man attempts the bicycle kick on the cross from Wolverine and it goes IN! Perfect overhead kick, the ball nestles in the top corner! We have the goal of the SEASON right there!

Black Flash mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Wally West raises Black Flash's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Spider-Man plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Mister Fantastic chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. The explorer puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. GOOOOAL from Super Sonic! On the lofted pass from Black Flash, he produces a masterful diving header, GOOOAL!

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Black Flash threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Barry Allen bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Barry Allen timed his run poorly there, Ultimate Iron Man's pass was good but the flag is up. Monster clearance from Spider-Man, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Super Sonic. Super Sonic to Galactus, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Super Sonic goes in recklessly on the attacker, studs showing! The referee blows immediately. The referee draws the rectangle in the air, he's going to have a look himself. Huge moment. After a lengthy wait, VAR cancels the penalty on Super Sonic! Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

What positioning from Barry Allen! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. CRAAACKER from Thanos outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. The engineer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Ultimate Iron Man stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Incredible scenes last summer when Spider-Man was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 28 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Galactus does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Mister Fantastic rolls it to Black Flash, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Black Flash bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Super Sonic wins the aerial battle. Super Sonic tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck. Short restart from the superhero to Super Sonic, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Overlap and cross from Super Sonic, the ball drops at the feet of Wally West in the heart of the box. Aerial duel won by Wally West, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Spider-Man stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Mister Fantastic comes over and hugs him without a word.

Corner from Mister Fantastic, Super Sonic throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. Mister Fantastic heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Black Flash unleashes a raking ball out to Super Sonic, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

GOAAAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Spider-Man runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Wolverine gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Spider-Man finds Galactus with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. The player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Superb defensive work from Wolverine there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Wolverine fires the ball over to Mister Fantastic with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Cross from Mister Fantastic off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Wolverine at the far side.

The player plays it simple to Hulk, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The scientist strikes but the defender gets his body in the way. In that position, it happens, don't hesitate to pull the trigger again. Corner cleared, the superhero finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

1-1 and off we go. Galactus hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Hulk does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

Tremendous work from Thanos who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. GOOOAL for Thanos! Not the prettiest goal in the world but it is in! Striker's instinct, GOAL!

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Spider-Man finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Wally West plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Black Flash bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. The player finds Galactus with a pull-back in the danger zone. The kind of decisive service that makes the difference at the highest level. The player places his shot to perfection on the cross from Wolverine, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Black Flash dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Clearance from the superhero towards Mister Fantastic, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Mister Fantastic swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Super Sonic, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The player bends the ball into the box for Wolverine. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The superhero tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through.

Barry Allen feeds Hulk in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Driven cross from Hulk into the box, Ultimate Iron Man arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Ultimate Iron Man attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly. Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Hulk, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Hulk rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Wally West grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Super Sonic is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Spider-Man is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 178, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' And we are back underway! Thanos jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Unbelievable! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Spider-Man falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Ultimate Iron Man arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Good cross from the player for Ultimate Iron Man in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Ultimate Iron Man meets the cross from Wally West with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Almighty boot from Barry Allen who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Wally West shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. One touch football: Wally West to Hulk, faster than the opposition can think. Nutmeg from the scientist on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Hulk catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Booking for the scientist, too many fouls stacking up. That role demands discipline.

Mister Fantastic plays the give-and-go with Black Flash, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Mister Fantastic takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. The explorer loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. Decisive interception from the engineer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

The engineer opens up to Hulk on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The scientist misplaces his pass to Wally West, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Perfectly executed challenge by Wolverine, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score right on the stroke of half-time.

Spider-Man runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Ultimate Iron Man gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Enormous anticipation from Barry Allen who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Barry Allen changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Hulk. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Hulk jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel. Outrageous stop from Spider-Man! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE.

Black Flash changes his mind three times before taking the throw-in. Black Flash goes into the book for protesting. He's been at it for ten minutes straight. Free kick from Black Flash, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Wolverine is onto it! Wolverine climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Super Sonic shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Spider-Man is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

And it's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Spider-Man does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Wally West launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Spider-Man arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Black Flash takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Black Flash stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Thanos follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Spider-Man plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. The explorer spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Wolverine. That is exactly why he is out there. Overlap from Wolverine on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Wolverine lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Galactus arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario. The player heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

The player devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. The player is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! SAVED! The keeper dives to his right and pushes away Thanos's penalty! What a stop! Spider-Man rolls it short to Galactus into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Spider-Man arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Hulk slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Spider-Man takes the hit without responding. Thanos drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Unconfirmed reports suggest Black Flash received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 28-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' Back on the pitch and Spider-Man is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Wally West slides a beauty through the gap, Thanos is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

Masterful reading from Wally West who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Phenomenal run from Wally West, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Spider-Man does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Barry Allen launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Spider-Man arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. The cross from Super Sonic is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Mister Fantastic shifts it to Thanos with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Sideways ball from Thanos to Mister Fantastic, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Mister Fantastic sets it for Barry Allen, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Barry Allen puts Mister Fantastic in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Mister Fantastic burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Mister Fantastic wraps around the attacker like a python, the ref blows the whistle.

Wally West clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Hulk gives it to Super Sonic into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The player slides a perfect cut-back for Ultimate Iron Man in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. The engineer blazes it over with the goal wide open! Galactus had given him everything. In that position, a miss like that can cost you the match and your confidence.

Barry Allen delivers a tidy ball to Mister Fantastic, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Mister Fantastic finds Hulk in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Ball across the ground from Hulk, it slides through the entire box and reaches Ultimate Iron Man on the penalty spot.

Monster press from Black Flash! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Black Flash puts it right into the feet of Galactus, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Galactus picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Cross from Galactus too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect.

Black Flash sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Thanos reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Thanos. Black Flash almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-0 (W)

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. The engineer reads the movement before anyone else and puts Galactus into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. GOOOOAL! Galactus places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Mister Fantastic, surgical finish!

Barry Allen absolutely legs it back to catch the attacker and gets there just in time. What an effort. Tactical foul by the superhero, it's part of the job description to break up counters like that. The referee shows yellow to Barry Allen. He hacked down the attacker to buy his defence time. The wall is impenetrable! Barry Allen's free kick is blocked straight away. The corner from the player is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery.

Hulk throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Good ball from the scientist to Super Sonic, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. High recovery from the player who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Super Sonic picks out Ultimate Iron Man with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

The opponent beats Barry Allen to the near post and wins the header. Barry Allen was caught on his heels. What a SAVE from Spider-Man! Right foot extended, the ball rebounds off it and it is cleared! The superhero goes long for Barry Allen, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Super Sonic plays it into the channel for Black Flash, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. The player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Hulk blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no.

Galactus starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Hulk conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Spider-Man's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 178 and 28 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' Black Flash leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Smooth transition from Barry Allen to Mister Fantastic, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Mister Fantastic plays the one-two with Ultimate Iron Man, give and go, that is absolutely silky! The assistant spots it, Mister Fantastic was offside by a whisker when Barry Allen played the ball. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

The player starts a one-two with Super Sonic, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Lightning overlap from Black Flash, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Black Flash plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Mister Fantastic in the six-yard box. That is pure silk.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Super Sonic sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping. The superhero gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Thanos slides it to Hulk, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Hulk sends Ultimate Iron Man into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. The linesman raises his flag, Ultimate Iron Man was a yard ahead of the last defender when Barry Allen played it.

Interception from Hulk who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Hulk. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. The superhero overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Final whistle! Galactus bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. Hulk is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío won't want to watch the highlights. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

GOAAAL for Rio Malandro FC! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Spider-Man places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Wally West falls to his knees bowing. Spider-Man does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Hulk senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. GOOOOOAL! Wolverine turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

The superhero finds Hulk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Firm pass from Hulk into Black Flash, right into the boots. No waste. Clean lay-off from the player to Ultimate Iron Man into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. The engineer is caught offside from Wolverine's through ball. Flag goes up.

Spider-Man sparks the transition with a quick throw to Thanos, the break is lightning fast. Incredible burst of pace from Thanos, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Feint from Super Sonic, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. The referee BLOWS! PENALTY! Super Sonic has been illegally stopped in the box by the defender. The spot is pointed to, the stadium holds its BREATH, everything is decided HERE and NOW! The goalkeeper repels Super Sonic's penalty! What reflexes, he got a glove to it! Ultimate Iron Man clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Ultimate Iron Man punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." A scouting report from Ultimate Iron Man's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 28 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Here come the lads. Wally West jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Strike from Wolverine that goes into the birds. That is light years away from the frame. Spider-Man hoofs it forward towards Barry Allen, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Spider-Man sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Galactus photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

The engineer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Galactus. Pure quality, as per usual. Galactus lofts a cross into the box, Wolverine is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. The superhero tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable. Well-taken corner from the player but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others.

Dangerous delivery from the player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Enormous leap from the superhero who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Wally West rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. Monster clearance from Thanos! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Barry Allen goes crossfield to Galactus, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Wolverine lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Thanos, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Thanos sends Ultimate Iron Man into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. JUST WIIIIIDE from Ultimate Iron Man! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The scientist switches the play to Wolverine, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Wolverine makes a mess of a simple pass to Wally West, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

The player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Black Flash lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Galactus down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Galactus produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

Lost it. Wolverine kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Black Flash hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

SPOT KICK! Ultimate Iron Man's shot strikes a hand in the area. The referee doesn't think twice about pointing to the spot. The scientist converts his penalty without flinching! GOOOAL! In that position, that calm facing the keeper is what makes the great players.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Ground pass from Wally West into the free zone for Ultimate Iron Man, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Audacious piece of skill from Black Flash, he flicks it over his marker with his heel. Magnificent. Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Good delivery from Black Flash off the left flank, Mister Fantastic positions himself between the two centre-halves. OHHH the header from the explorer goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Long ball from Spider-Man for Wolverine who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Spider-Man lumps it long towards Hulk, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The scientist slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Lovely use of the ball by Hulk, finding Wolverine in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Wolverine lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

Oh no, it's in! Istanbul Cehennem FK punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Spider-Man paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Spider-Man exhales and sits. Dressing room whispers confirm that Wolverine has an entire drawer at home dedicated to takeaway menus. Refuses to use apps. Says he likes 'the theatre of choosing from paper.' He's 194 and living in a beautiful analogue world. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Barry Allen picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Super Sonic floats his free kick into the area, Thanos is there for the header. Thanos jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him. SAAAAAVED by Spider-Man! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips!

Corner swung in by Ultimate Iron Man, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear. The scientist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Great vision from Hulk who switches to Mister Fantastic. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Crunching tackle by Mister Fantastic on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it.

Into the additional minutes, the atmosphere is absolutely electric. No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. SHOOOOT from Thanos... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

That's a beauty from Hulk! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Hulk puts Mister Fantastic into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Mister Fantastic curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Spider-Man opts for the short option to Ultimate Iron Man, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Burst of pace from Ultimate Iron Man on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Cross out of reach from Ultimate Iron Man, Wally West cannot do a thing, it is too high. Spider-Man plucks the cross like a proper keeper. No frills, just pure efficiency. The keeper is calm. Beautiful distribution from Spider-Man to Galactus, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

The superhero wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. Wally West is booked for that dangerous overhead kick. Brave but reckless, boot at face height. The superhero floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Commanding header from Galactus who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Galactus did not budge an inch.

Honours even. Spider-Man finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Ultimate Iron Man walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-3 (L)

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. Spider-Man up for the free-kick, anything goes at this stage. GOOOOAL from the player! Imperial header on the delivery from Super Sonic. In that position, when you have that leap and that timing, you scare every defence.

Spider-Man sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Super Sonic snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Spider-Man waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

They've scored! Milano Piano-Piano find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Super Sonic puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Wolverine rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Galactus. The far side is completely deserted.

Ultimate Iron Man plays the simple ball to Thanos, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Rapid combination: Thanos to Ultimate Iron Man, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Ultimate Iron Man turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Hulk. The defence did not even have time to blink. Hulk hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. OHHH Mister Fantastic unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner! Mister Fantastic aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. Decisive interception from Wally West who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Wally West saw it all. Short pass from the superhero to Thanos, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Wally West is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Galactus puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Quite remarkable — Barry Allen got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 28 years old. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Spider-Man is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Disaster! Milano Piano-Piano score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Spider-Man runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Black Flash gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Spider-Man plays it along the ground to Black Flash, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The player finds Super Sonic along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Super Sonic shoots and it's... in the stars. The ball boys are going to be busy retrieving that one.

The superhero finds Hulk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Pass into no-man's land from Hulk, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift.

The free kick from Black Flash is floated in, Wolverine makes his run to the back post. Oh the keeper comes out and misses Wolverine's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Deflected shot from the player, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. Black Flash clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Little shift from Black Flash to Mister Fantastic, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Mister Fantastic sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. The explorer trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. The referee books Mister Fantastic for a vicious hack at the opponent's ankles. The wall blocks the explorer's free kick! In that position, it's FRUSTRATING but the best ones adjust and eventually find a way through.

The superhero throws it out to Hulk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Hulk launches it to Galactus on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Galactus explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

Oh that's poor! Milano Piano-Piano score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Hulk with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Raking ball from the scientist to Mister Fantastic, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

That's that, then. Galactus trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Mister Fantastic hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

Wolverine nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. The explorer aims with surgical precision on the pass from Wolverine! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Full moonwalk from Wolverine, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Super Sonic does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Spider-Man applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Thanos pierces the backline with a low through ball, Ultimate Iron Man latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Overlap from the engineer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Ultimate Iron Man crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Galactus is there to meet it. Galactus puts it into the danger zone and it's absolute PANDEMONIUM! The defense clears in desperation!

Spider-Man catapults the ball towards Super Sonic from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The player lays it off first time to Mister Fantastic, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Massive fail from Thanos on that effort! The ball goes so far wide the keeper had a chuckle.

The superhero goes long for Thanos, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Thanos plays the simple ball to Wally West, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Thanos. Pure quality, as per usual. Thanos sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Thanos rolls it back across the turf, Black Flash is lurking in the box, ready to pounce.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Spider-Man comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority. Spider-Man goes long for Galactus, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Long ball from Galactus to Ultimate Iron Man, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Mister Fantastic claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Black Flash once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 180 and 28, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' Back on the pitch and Spider-Man is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Wally West delivers a tidy ball to Super Sonic, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Super Sonic gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Black Flash is there to meet it. Black Flash tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Corner cleared by the defence, the engineer was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. The explorer opens up to Barry Allen on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Barry Allen keeps it short to Wolverine, no frills, just good football intelligence. Overlap from Wolverine with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

Free kick crossed in by the player into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. OHHH the header from Barry Allen! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten! Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all.

Wally West plays the simple ball to Barry Allen, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Shot from Mister Fantastic, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Ultimate Iron Man swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears! Thanos clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Job done. Galactus and Wolverine stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Sevilla Olé-Olé's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Absolutely dreadful! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Rehearsed move all week: Spider-Man and Hulk stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Spider-Man plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Body feint from Mister Fantastic, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. PENALTY for Mister Fantastic! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOOOAL! Mister Fantastic winds up and fires top corner, the keeper was rooted. PENALTY CONVERTED!

Ball in behind from the player, Barry Allen is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Barry Allen is called offside and nobody can quite believe it, Black Flash's ball was perfection. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Crucial intervention from the superhero, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Killer ball from Barry Allen through the gap! Wally West bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Wally West is caught offside by millimetres on Barry Allen's through ball. Heartbreaking decision.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Wally West, you have barely touched the ball. Mister Fantastic, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Leaked texts reveal Wolverine tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 194-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' And the second half is go! Wolverine charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Through ball from the player for Hulk, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Hulk winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner. The corner from Hulk is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss.

The player bounces off Barry Allen for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Powerful run from Thanos down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Thanos plays it back for Hulk who finds himself face to face with the goal inside the box.

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The superhero gets dispossessed mid-dribble. That is the risk when you try it in that position, sometimes it does not come off. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit.

Galactus sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Crossfield pass from Galactus to Thanos, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Thanos strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Spider-Man plays out from the back with Hulk, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Hulk links up with Mister Fantastic, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Short free kick from the engineer, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. WIIIIIDE! Barry Allen put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The superhero finds Wally West in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective.

Galactus sends an aerial beauty to Black Flash, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. The player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Wolverine takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

Gutting. Galactus throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Black Flash picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

It's a goal for London Three-Pints! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Fantastic high recovery from Mister Fantastic, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. The explorer bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. GOOOOAL from the explorer! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Mister Fantastic stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Galactus comes over and hugs him without a word.

Spider-Man throws it out quickly to Barry Allen, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Barry Allen tries to open it up for Wolverine but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Wicked through ball from Wally West, the ball skims the grass and finds Hulk who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Effort from Hulk, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Clinical interception from Barry Allen, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. The superhero finds Wally West along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The press from Wally West pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Wally West pounces. A forced gift. Wally West links up with Wolverine, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The superhero finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Super Sonic clean through. Pure genius from that position. Super Sonic puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Spider-Man stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Now here's one for you — Mister Fantastic was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 180 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Barry Allen leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The corner from Mister Fantastic comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Big clearance from Ultimate Iron Man under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Long kick from Spider-Man, Galactus positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Raking ball from the superhero to Black Flash, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Key pass from Ultimate Iron Man! It fizzes between the lines and Barry Allen collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Burst of speed from Barry Allen, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Hulk mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. The referee's had enough. Yellow card for Hulk, persistent fouling. Hulk goes short to Super Sonic, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine. Super Sonic picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off.

The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Ultimate Iron Man pings a long diagonal to Thanos, completely shifts the point of attack. Header won by Thanos, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope. Inch-perfect cross from Super Sonic, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Mister Fantastic at the back post. Mister Fantastic is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump.

The superhero switches the play to Ultimate Iron Man, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The engineer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Ultimate Iron Man gives it to Barry Allen into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Barry Allen hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The superhero gets to the byline and floats one in for Wolverine. Crossing is his bread and butter.

1-1. Spider-Man and Thanos are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Spider-Man. "Next time," replies Thanos. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.