My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-3 (L)

The movie actor/actress slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Zendaya picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. GOAL for Zendaya! He spotted the keeper off his line and BANG, little dink with the toe! The ball makes a PERFECT curve and dies in the net. ELEGANCE in its purest form!

Solidarity move: Zendaya grabs Simon Cowell who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Simon Cowell a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Rowan Atkinson sends the free kick in front of goal, Jack Black leaps to try the header. Jack Black springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. The film producer lays it off first time to Simon Cowell, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The film producer wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice.

The actor finds Zendaya with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Zendaya spreads it to Tobey Maguire, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The film producer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Andrew Garfield. Pure quality, as per usual.

What a mess! Paris Saint-Glinglin capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Tobey Maguire gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Tobey Maguire has it running through his veins. The film producer finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Simon Cowell clean through. Pure genius from that position. Superb tackle from the film producer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Andrew Garfield has not moved since sitting down. Rowan Atkinson is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Bit of a scoop for you — Zendaya plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 30, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' Second half underway and Tom Holland is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

It's in! Paris Saint-Glinglin take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Gordon Ramsey runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Zendaya gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Simon Cowell sends a wicked free kick into the area, Jack Black is lurking with intent. The film producer tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. The corner from Zendaya is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Wing switch from Tobey Maguire, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Tom Holland brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Zendaya chases and chases and finally catches the winger who had a head start. What an athlete. Zendaya commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Booking for Zendaya, cynical foul to break up the counter. He accepts the consequences gladly. Zendaya's free kick crashes into the wall, well defended. Corner swung in by Tom Holland, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear.

The movie actor/actress intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Individual run from Rowan Atkinson, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Shot from the film producer, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close.

Jack Black puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Tom Hanks is there to finish. Gordon Ramsey makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there. Greg Davies slides it to Jack Black, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Crafty ball from Jack Black into the gap, Tom Hanks arrives into the space and collects on the move. The film producer is caught offside by millimetres on Rowan Atkinson's pass, what a cruel call.

GOAAAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Dead defender. Gordon Ramsey mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Greg Davies completes the choreography by collapsing. Gordon Ramsey arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

The movie actor/actress finds Jack Black along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Jack Black tries a crossfield ball to Rowan Atkinson but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Rowan Atkinson intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Short pass from the film producer to Tom Holland, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Tom Holland feeds Greg Davies in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Simon Cowell plays the free kick as a cross, Greg Davies finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Greg Davies heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect. Emergency clearance from Zendaya, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The film producer dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

That hurts. Rowan Atkinson leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Jack Black stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Rowan Atkinson nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

The film producer bounces off Tom Hanks for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. BOOOOOM! Rowan Atkinson sends a BOMB from 25 yards, the keeper just watched the ball fly past!

Rowan Atkinson weaves through México No-Era-Penal's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Tom Holland screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The film producer positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Brilliant pass from Tom Hanks! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Rowan Atkinson is onto it. Rowan Atkinson has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Gordon Ramsey ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Jack Black leaps over him. Gordon Ramsey walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Ball in behind from the film producer, Zendaya is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Zendaya timed his run poorly there, Tom Holland's pass was good but the flag is up.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. The film producer refuses to give in and sprints all the way back to prevent the goal. In that position, that kind of spirit is absolutely priceless. The film producer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

The physio works on Greg Davies's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Greg Davies, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Tobey Maguire, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Remarkable little detail about Zendaya — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 30 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Jack Black takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Gordon Ramsey distributes by hand to Rowan Atkinson on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. The film producer rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Rowan Atkinson puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Rowan Atkinson intelligently lays it off for Jack Black, everyone is taken out of the equation. Gordon Ramsey pushes the effort away with a firm hand! The keeper is unbeatable today, he is a WALL.

Little shift from Adam Sandler to Rowan Atkinson, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Rowan Atkinson pulls it back along the ground for Andrew Garfield, that is the perfect cut-back! SHOOOOT from the movie actor/actress! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Lay-off from Simon Cowell to Rowan Atkinson, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Quick exchange between Rowan Atkinson and Tom Hanks, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Pinpoint delivery from the film producer towards Jack Black, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Jack Black gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

They've scored! México No-Era-Penal find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Raw emotion: Gordon Ramsey cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Zendaya crouches beside him and speaks softly. Gordon Ramsey jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The film producer dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. The movie actor/actress gets to the byline and floats one in for Tobey Maguire. Crossing is his bread and butter. The cross from Tobey Maguire is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Tom Holland takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Jack Black rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Andrew Garfield. The far side is completely deserted.

Tom Hanks launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Tom Hanks keeps it short to Rowan Atkinson, no frills, just good football intelligence. Error from the film producer, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end.

Simon Cowell drops the ball in from the free kick, Jack Black arrives at the near post. Header from the film producer, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

Draw. Greg Davies sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Zendaya waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Clearance from the actor towards Tom Hanks, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Tom Hanks is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. GOOOOOAL! Greg Davies dominates his marker and powers the ball into the net with his head. The cross from Tobey Maguire was worth its weight in gold!

Gordon Ramsey mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Tobey Maguire does the wave with contortionist grace. Gordon Ramsey solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Gordon Ramsey smashes a volley towards Simon Cowell, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Good ball from the film producer to Jack Black, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Tom Hanks goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Tom Hanks launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Andrew Garfield senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Andrew Garfield gifts Greg Davies a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Greg Davies curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close!

Lightning press from Adam Sandler, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Lob attempted by Adam Sandler, it starts well but it lacks the finesse, the ball lands on the roof of the net. Gordon Ramsey lumps it long towards Rowan Atkinson, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

The television host opens up to Zendaya on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Zendaya with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Zendaya plays the simple ball to Tom Hanks, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Gordon Ramsey, you have been outstanding. Tom Hanks, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Adam Sandler once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 177 and 60 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Simon Cowell comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Gordon Ramsey rolls it short to Adam Sandler into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. The film producer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin.

Tom Holland thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Gordon Ramsey sends an absolute rocket towards Simon Cowell, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Enormous leap from the film producer who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The film producer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Andrew Garfield slips Zendaya in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Zendaya releases Greg Davies with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Greg Davies puts the ball right into the mixer, Tom Holland arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Corner from Tom Holland, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line!

Incredible solo run from Simon Cowell, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. Simon Cowell lunges in two-footed on the attacker, that is an awful tackle. The ref is straight over. The film producer is booked for dangerous play. In that position, a yellow card can be devastating. The wall blocks the film producer's free kick! In that position, it's FRUSTRATING but the best ones adjust and eventually find a way through.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Lovely claim from Gordon Ramsey! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Gordon Ramsey plays it along the ground to Adam Sandler, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Victory! Gordon Ramsey and Simon Cowell lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Greg Davies switches the play to Jack Black on the far side, superb crossfield ball! The film producer bends the ball into the box for Simon Cowell. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. OG from the film producer! Oh the poor lad! In that position, you know that one bad touch can be fatal, and that is exactly what happens here. The ball deflects into his own goal, this is TRAGIC.

Greg Davies stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Tom Holland comes over and hugs him without a word.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Floated cross from Rowan Atkinson off the right, Tom Hanks has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Greg Davies goes crossfield to Simon Cowell, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Simon Cowell shifts it wide to Jack Black on the right, lovely ball into the space. Looping cross from Jack Black, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Tom Hanks. Danger.

Enormous run from Tom Holland to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. The movie actor/actress commits the professional foul. Players in that role know exactly when to stop the play. Tom Holland is cautioned for a cynical bodycheck. The bench nods approvingly. Free kick into the wall for the movie actor/actress! In that position, when the wall blocks your free kick, you can't drop your head, it's part of the game. The corner from the film producer is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners.

Massive punt from Gordon Ramsey, sends the ball sixty yards, Tom Hanks is scrapping for it up top. Pass into no-man's land from Tom Hanks, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Zendaya heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Rowan Atkinson. "That is your job. 71 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Now Gordon Ramsey has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 180, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' And the second half is go! Tobey Maguire charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Gordon Ramsey strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Greg Davies points at it, jaw on the floor. Gordon Ramsey shakes his head, not believing it.

Long ball from Gordon Ramsey for Greg Davies who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Raking ball from the television host to Adam Sandler, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The film producer bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

Greg Davies shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Rowan Atkinson. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Wide from the film producer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Greg Davies leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick.

Quick throw from Gordon Ramsey to Andrew Garfield out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Sideways ball from Andrew Garfield to Tom Holland, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Quick one-two between Tom Holland and Greg Davies, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Greg Davies clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Free kick from Greg Davies played as a cross, Tom Holland positions himself at the far post.

Interception from Tom Holland who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Tom Holland. Tom Holland picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way!

Firm pass from Greg Davies into Andrew Garfield, right into the boots. No waste. Andrew Garfield drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Greg Davies read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The television host overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Greg Davies curls a cross to the near post, Zendaya is lurking in the box. SCRAMBLE after the movie actor/actress's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference.

A draw. Adam Sandler claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Tom Hanks tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Dangerous corner from the film producer, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. Tom Hanks produces the tap-in OF THE CENTURY! Well, it was from one yard, but still, GOAL!

Adam Sandler runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Gordon Ramsey gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Gordon Ramsey is at the centre, lifted up by Andrew Garfield and Gordon Ramsey, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Douala Makossa-Corner's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Long kick from Gordon Ramsey, Rowan Atkinson positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. One touch football: Rowan Atkinson to Jack Black, faster than the opposition can think. Brilliant switch of play from Jack Black! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler pings a long diagonal to Tom Holland, completely shifts the point of attack. Tom Holland jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Adam Sandler clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. The film producer plays it simple to Tom Holland, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Telepathic pass from Simon Cowell to Andrew Garfield, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Andrew Garfield peels off his marker too early, he's offside from Tobey Maguire's delivery. Free kick.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Simon Cowell is livid, gesturing wildly. Rowan Atkinson chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Bit of a scoop for you — Andrew Garfield plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 43, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Back on the pitch and Greg Davies is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

The film producer unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon. The crowd is getting restless, VAR is taking forever. What a nerve-wracking wait. The film producer wins the penalty after VAR review! In that role, you don't often get justice like this. Tom Holland shoots... SAVED! The goalkeeper has pulled out all the stops to deny this penalty! Short restart from the actor to Tobey Maguire, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

The actor throws it out to Rowan Atkinson, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Change of flanks from Rowan Atkinson, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Jack Black. Aerial duel won by the film producer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Absolutely insane recovery run from Greg Davies, covers the entire pitch to come back and save the day. That's a shocker from Greg Davies! Studs up, over the ball, straight into the attacker's shin. The television host snaps and throws a punch. His team will be fuming — that's left them with a mountain to climb. Greg Davies's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Monumental ball from Andrew Garfield to Adam Sandler, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

The actor goes long for Zendaya, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Zendaya delivers a tidy ball to Andrew Garfield, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Andrew Garfield swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Tom Hanks, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The film producer roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Perfect low cut-back from Tom Hanks, the ball slides across the box and Adam Sandler just has to finish.

Ball over the top from Adam Sandler, Rowan Atkinson had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Goal disallowed for the film producer! Offside from Tom Holland's ball. Playing in that role, you've got to hold your run better than that. VAR check in progress, the whole stadium is holding its breath. The referee's been to the monitor and he's given the goal! Andrew Garfield can celebrate!

Shared match. Adam Sandler walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Rowan Atkinson does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-0 (W)

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. GOOOAL from the movie actor/actress! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Andrew Garfield points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Tom Hanks comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

The corner from Rowan Atkinson is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Big clearance from Simon Cowell under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Superb diagonal from the film producer to Tobey Maguire, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Tobey Maguire puts it right into the feet of Jack Black, one touch and away. Silky stuff. High recovery from Jack Black, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming.

Zendaya boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Smart pass from Jack Black into the hole for Rowan Atkinson, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Dreadful pass from Rowan Atkinson, lands three yards away from the target. Adam Sandler can do nothing with that.

Clearance from the actor towards Rowan Atkinson, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Rowan Atkinson wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance.

Well spotted by Zendaya who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Zendaya picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Gordon Ramsey is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Tobey Maguire is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A delightful detail about Andrew Garfield — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 43 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' And the second half is go! Greg Davies charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Adam Sandler decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Adam Sandler comes charging in and wipes out the attacker. No attempt to play the ball whatsoever. Yellow card for Adam Sandler, that elbow was out and the referee spotted it immediately. Adam Sandler opts for the short pass to Greg Davies instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise.

Gordon Ramsey throws it out quickly to Adam Sandler, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The film producer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Adam Sandler lays it off first time to Zendaya, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Zendaya unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

We're playing beyond ninety, everything is still on the line. Jack Black gives it to Simon Cowell into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Switch from Simon Cowell! The ball arcs over the midfield and Greg Davies collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Greg Davies whips in a cross at head height, Adam Sandler anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

Smooth transition from Andrew Garfield to Adam Sandler, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Magnificent shift from Adam Sandler! Tobey Maguire picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Bad pass from the film producer, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Decisive interception from the movie actor/actress, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

Almighty boot from Tom Holland who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. The film producer whips in a classic cross for Tom Holland in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Superb! Gordon Ramsey jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Adam Sandler waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Gordon Ramsey nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

PENALTY! Tom Hanks's shot cannons into the arm of a defender. The ref gives it straight away, no arguments. GOOOAL! Andrew Garfield winds up the left foot and fires with POWER! The keeper got a touch but it goes in anyway!

Gordon Ramsey finds Jack Black with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Aerial duel won by the film producer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. The film producer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The film producer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Jack Black to Tom Holland, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

It's hit the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque lead and we look completely lost.

Gordon Ramsey scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Tom Holland is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Enormous clearance from Tom Holland inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Diagonal from Andrew Garfield to Jack Black, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Aerial duel won by the film producer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Andrew Garfield presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Nutmeg from Andrew Garfield on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Andrew Garfield has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Clearance from the actor towards Tom Holland, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Jack Black, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Jack Black takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Gordon Ramsey is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 180, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show The Crystal Gazer! To win a weekend at a haunted Premier Inn, text 0800GHOST and answer: 'How many ghosts per square metre does the average Travelodge have?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Adam Sandler leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. The referee's whistle goes against Greg Davies, caught the opponent late. Yellow card. Greg Davies racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Greg Davies tries to go over the wall with the free kick but it hits it. Poorly calibrated. Short distribution from Gordon Ramsey to Adam Sandler, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Beautiful distribution from Gordon Ramsey to Tom Holland, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Tom Holland triggers a change of flanks for Rowan Atkinson, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Rowan Atkinson shifts it to Tom Holland with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Greg Davies puts in an absolutely ridiculous recovery run, covers 50 yards at full pelt to get back. Vicious tackle from Greg Davies, he's left the attacker in a heap on the floor. The television host has been sent off for violent conduct. A player in that role should know better than to throw his hands around. Free kick stopped! Greg Davies shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended.

Great vision from Tom Hanks who switches to Zendaya. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Zendaya looks up and swings in a floated cross, Tom Hanks rises among the defenders. The cross from Tom Hanks is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Zendaya looks up and launches a long pass towards Tom Hanks. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Zendaya reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. The movie actor/actress plays it simple to Andrew Garfield, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Andrew Garfield opens up to Jack Black on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

What a ball from Zendaya! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Andrew Garfield is away on his own. That is velvet. The fans are going mental but it's coming back! Andrew Garfield was offside from Greg Davies's through ball! VAR has flagged something here, everyone is standing still waiting for the verdict. The wait is over — VAR confirms the goal by Simon Cowell! Scenes!

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Gordon Ramsey shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Tom Hanks goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Wendy from Carlisle says roughly three point seven ghosts per square metre based on her last stay in Watford. Haunted Premier Inn weekend it is! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Jack Black puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Nutmeg from Jack Black on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. GOOOOOAL for Jack Black! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Dangerous delivery from the film producer on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. OWN GOAL OWN GOAL OWN GOAL! Andrew Garfield puts it in his own net, this is UNBELIEVABLE! The ball from Tobey Maguire comes across and Andrew Garfield pokes it home trying to anticipate. Oh you IDIOT, this is TRAGIC!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Adam Sandler. Zendaya is on his knees clapping, Gordon Ramsey is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

And it's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. Greg Davies clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Greg Davies's free kick doesn't get past the wall. The wall did the business. The film producer whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon.

Simon Cowell sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Rowan Atkinson sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Simon Cowell nods but does not look up. And finally — Gordon Ramsey was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 180, nobody questioned it. The man is 96 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Kick-off! Zendaya wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

The film producer plays it simple to Tom Holland, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The movie actor/actress switches the play to Greg Davies, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Inch-perfect tackle by Greg Davies, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. The television host sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Ball in the gloves of Gordon Ramsey! Clean handling, the keeper does not flinch for a second. The actor goes long for Tobey Maguire, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Tobey Maguire changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Andrew Garfield. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Zendaya intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Shot from Tobey Maguire, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The film producer switches the play to Adam Sandler, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Gordon Ramsey plays it short to Rowan Atkinson, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Short build-up from Rowan Atkinson to Tobey Maguire, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Tobey Maguire charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. The film producer chips a lob over the defence for Andrew Garfield. That kind of vision is rare in that position. Header from Andrew Garfield, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. With one swing of the boot, Jack Black finds Rowan Atkinson on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Rowan Atkinson finds Tom Holland between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Good ball from Simon Cowell to Zendaya, playing it quick between the lines. Give and go between Zendaya and Tom Holland, the timing is inch-perfect, the defender bit on the first touch. The movie actor/actress jumps the gun on Greg Davies's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. The actor goes long for Andrew Garfield, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Andrew Garfield slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Full time and it's level. Andrew Garfield stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Adam Sandler grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-3 (L)

Tom Hanks cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Andrew Garfield aims like a surgeon on the cross from Simon Cowell! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Greg Davies forces a pass to Jack Black who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. The actor stretches the leg at the last moment and blocks the strike. In that position, it is that instinctive reflex that wins matches. Emergency clearance from the film producer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Clearance from the actor towards Andrew Garfield, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Andrew Garfield powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The cross from Andrew Garfield is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless. Ball claimed in both hands by Gordon Ramsey in his box. Subtle gesture but ultra effective. Top top level. Gordon Ramsey distributes short to Tobey Maguire, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

What a block! Tom Holland slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye.

The free kick from Adam Sandler lands right on Tom Hanks in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Tom Hanks launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Tom Hanks was flying. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The film producer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Rowan Atkinson dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Adam Sandler arrives at full pace behind them.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Tobey Maguire takes the hit without responding. Greg Davies drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." We can confirm that Gordon Ramsey owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' Gordon Ramsey trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Simon Cowell anticipates the run from Andrew Garfield and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Gordon Ramsey charges the attacker and smothers at the feet! Neuer-style sweep, pure art. The actor goes long for Andrew Garfield, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

And that's a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Gordon Ramsey is at the centre, lifted up by Tobey Maguire and Gordon Ramsey, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Zendaya launches it to Adam Sandler on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Overlap from the film producer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Adam Sandler plays it simple to Zendaya, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Superb diagonal from the movie actor/actress to Andrew Garfield, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

What a disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Gordon Ramsey spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Tom Holland gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Tom Hanks produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Rapid combination: Tom Hanks to Adam Sandler, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Body feint from Adam Sandler, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. Foul given against Adam Sandler, he went through the back of the opponent. The ref shows Adam Sandler yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. Gordon Ramsey up, pushing and shoving, it's heated in the box. Tom Holland wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Tobey Maguire. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Tom Holland rolls it to Zendaya, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

They've scored again! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are running riot and we can't cope.

Tom Holland with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Pitch-length run from the movie actor/actress, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Tom Holland sends Adam Sandler into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Zendaya stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Tom Holland peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Simon Cowell picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. Simon Cowell takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Simon Cowell dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Gordon Ramsey can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Gordon Ramsey claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Rowan Atkinson sets it for Simon Cowell, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Simon Cowell picks out Tom Hanks with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Through ball from the film producer for Jack Black, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Burst of speed from the film producer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Oh it's gone in! Rio Malandro FC find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Gordon Ramsey climbs onto Andrew Garfield's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Gordon Ramsey circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Lovely use of the ball by Zendaya, finding Tom Holland in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Tom Holland lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Greg Davies down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. The linesman flags Greg Davies offside and that is razor thin! Zendaya throws his arms up. The actor finds Greg Davies with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Crunching tackle by Greg Davies on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it.

Greg Davies scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Tom Holland links up with Greg Davies, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Gordon Ramsey pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Tobey Maguire once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 180 and 51 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' The gaffer gives Tom Hanks one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Tom Hanks runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

The board is up, no one is allowed to switch off now. Little shift from Simon Cowell to Jack Black, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Jack Black sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Massive diagonal from Tom Hanks! Simon Cowell receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Simon Cowell plays it simple to Andrew Garfield, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Tom Hanks to Adam Sandler, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Adam Sandler links up with Tom Hanks, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Body feint from the film producer, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. WOOOW Tom Hanks launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Gordon Ramsey dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Gordon Ramsey goes long for Jack Black, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Jack Black links up with Tobey Maguire, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Lovely use of the ball by Tobey Maguire, finding Andrew Garfield in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Rapid combination: Greg Davies to Tom Holland, the ball barely touches the grass between them. One laser pass from Tom Holland and the entire defence is eliminated, Adam Sandler is through on goal. The space is enormous. Big strike from the film producer, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Monster clearance from Gordon Ramsey, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Tobey Maguire. Tobey Maguire with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Short pass from the film producer to Tom Holland, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

A loss that will linger. Tom Holland drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Zendaya texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-3 (L)

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Incredible solo charge from the film producer, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. GOAL for Tobey Maguire! What a DAY OF EXCEPTION for this attacker! He does it all on his own and scores!

Tidy restart from Gordon Ramsey along the deck to Tom Holland, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Crossfield pass from Tom Holland to Zendaya, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Zendaya fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Jack Black throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Jack Black tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Good ball from the movie actor/actress to Zendaya, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Zendaya plays it back across the floor in the box, Greg Davies receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. Gordon Ramsey makes a HUUUUGE save! The attacker hit it well but the keeper read it all the way.

The gaffer points at Andrew Garfield: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Andrew Garfield clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. A delightful detail about Gordon Ramsey — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 96 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' Out they come. Adam Sandler has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Corner from Rowan Atkinson, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. What positioning from Tom Hanks! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Tom Hanks delivers a tidy ball to Andrew Garfield, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Absolute peach from Tom Holland, threading it through for Adam Sandler, the centre-halves are done for! OHHH Adam Sandler strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Tom Holland fires the ball over to Greg Davies with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

On the corner from Rowan Atkinson, Simon Cowell wins the aerial duel but his header goes over. Rowan Atkinson clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Aerial duel lost by the film producer, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Massive clearance from Simon Cowell in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

The television host produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Monster clearance from Greg Davies! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. The opponent beats Tobey Maguire to the near post and wins the header. Tobey Maguire was caught on his heels. Diving header from Andrew Garfield on the cross from Rowan Atkinson! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting!

The film producer plays it short to Tom Hanks, slowing the tempo. In that position, playing the corner with brains rather than brute force is priceless. Overlap on the left from Tom Hanks, floated cross towards Tom Holland who rises highest at the far post. The cross from the movie actor/actress ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

Gordon Ramsey boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Jack Black! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Jack Black gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Crucial intervention from the film producer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen.

The actor throws it out to Zendaya, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Superb diagonal from the movie actor/actress to Tobey Maguire, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Masterful aerial duel from Tobey Maguire, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Instinctive clearance from Tobey Maguire who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Dominant header from Zendaya on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Defeat against Istanbul Cehennem FK. Jack Black fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Greg Davies waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Jack Black embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. GOOOAL from the film producer! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Jack Black fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Rowan Atkinson plays the medic running in. Gordon Ramsey plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Header missed from the corner by the film producer! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Gordon Ramsey hoofs it forward towards Rowan Atkinson, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Brilliant tackle from Rowan Atkinson! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

The film producer lays it off first time to Zendaya, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Zendaya sees what nobody else sees and puts Adam Sandler through on goal with a genius through ball. The film producer has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Magnificent tackle from Tom Holland! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Tom Holland throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Zendaya is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. The actor climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Simon Cowell pierces the backline with a low through ball, Adam Sandler latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Adam Sandler wants to play it quick but the pass to Greg Davies is wayward, lacking any precision.

Rowan Atkinson sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Greg Davies sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Rowan Atkinson nods but does not look up. A wonderful anecdote — Gordon Ramsey once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 96 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' Tom Holland spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

The movie actor/actress slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Smooth transition from Tom Holland to Simon Cowell, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that.

Adam Sandler plays it in, Simon Cowell lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Adam Sandler is off again. Magnificent. Adam Sandler gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Andrew Garfield just needs to sidefoot it home. Good ball from the movie actor/actress to Zendaya, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Give and go from the movie actor/actress with Greg Davies, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Zendaya plays it back across the box for Jack Black, the low cross is inch-perfect.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Dead defender. Gordon Ramsey mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Tom Holland completes the choreography by collapsing. Gordon Ramsey arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Oh what a challenge! Tom Hanks goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Rowan Atkinson accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Cross from the right by Rowan Atkinson, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Adam Sandler at the back post.

Lovely anticipation from the television host who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Greg Davies hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Tom Holland unleashes a raking ball out to Andrew Garfield, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Clearance from Zendaya under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Andrew Garfield finds Tobey Maguire between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Tobey Maguire tries to find Rowan Atkinson but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution.

1-1. Simon Cowell and Rowan Atkinson are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Simon Cowell. "Next time," replies Rowan Atkinson. And they vanish into the tunnel. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Blistering run from Tobey Maguire on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Tobey Maguire has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! GOOOAL! Tobey Maguire sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

The film producer cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Tobey Maguire. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The film producer was beyond the last man when Zendaya played it. Clear offside. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Simon Cowell sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Rowan Atkinson. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

Heroic recovery from Tom Holland! Had ten yards to make up and still got back in time. Take a bow. Terrible tackle from the movie actor/actress on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. Straight red for Tom Holland, he's lashed out with his fist. That's a three-match ban minimum. Tom Holland fires the free kick into the wall, no surprises. The wall was well organised.

Greg Davies pings a ridiculous diagonal to Tobey Maguire. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. The film producer rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Massive clearance from Tobey Maguire, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opponent gets the better of Rowan Atkinson in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Rowan Atkinson sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Tobey Maguire is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Dressing room whispers confirm that Tobey Maguire has an entire drawer at home dedicated to takeaway menus. Refuses to use apps. Says he likes 'the theatre of choosing from paper.' He's 51 and living in a beautiful analogue world. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' Adam Sandler spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Gordon Ramsey fires it out quickly by hand to Andrew Garfield, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Andrew Garfield drops a lofted ball to Simon Cowell, it sails over the entire midfield line. The film producer finds Zendaya along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Zendaya drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Jack Black.

The free kick from Adam Sandler is floated in, Tom Holland makes his run to the back post. The movie actor/actress thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Rowan Atkinson spots Adam Sandler in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Andrew Garfield puts Tom Hanks in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Tom Hanks takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race.

Rowan Atkinson lobs it over the centre-backs, Andrew Garfield arrives at pace and finds himself clean through. The movie actor/actress goes for the volley, spectacular but it flies over. In that position, having the guts to try that takes some bottle, just unlucky with the accuracy. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Clearance from the actor towards Simon Cowell, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Short pass from the film producer to Jack Black, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Jack Black looks for Tom Hanks with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

It was bound to happen. Sevilla Olé-Olé score and honestly, we deserved that.

The television host positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Greg Davies spots the run from Zendaya and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! The movie actor/actress overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Good cross from the movie actor/actress for Andrew Garfield in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Gordon Ramsey grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands.

Tough one against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Jack Black and Rowan Atkinson are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

MONUMENTAL howler from Gordon Ramsey! He makes the error of his career, his team is furious. What POSITIONAL SENSE from Jack Black! He is on the penalty spot for the cross from Adam Sandler and scores easily. GOAL!

Cross from Jack Black off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Greg Davies at the far side. OG from Greg Davies and it is HEARTBREAK! He slips on the wet turf as he tries to clear the cross from Simon Cowell and sends the ball into his own top corner. The kind of thing you do NOT tell your family about at dinner.

Jack Black runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Adam Sandler gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Tom Hanks threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Simon Cowell bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. The film producer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Rowan Atkinson launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Greg Davies, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Oh that's poor! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The movie actor/actress launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Brilliant interception from Tom Hanks, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Rowan Atkinson tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Rowan Atkinson, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Gordon Ramsey has not moved since sitting down. Simon Cowell is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." At age 9, Tom Hanks entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 70, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' They are back. Gordon Ramsey salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Jack Black aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Overlap from the film producer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Tobey Maguire wants to beat his man but gets closed down by the defender. Back to sender. Royal interception from Adam Sandler! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air.

Decisive glance from Tom Holland who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Lightning overlap from Jack Black, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

It's a goal for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Gordon Ramsey, arms out like an aeroplane. Tobey Maguire follows in like he's skiing. Gordon Ramsey arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Simon Cowell sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Andrew Garfield pops up between two defenders. The movie actor/actress wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Lovely use of the ball by Andrew Garfield, finding Simon Cowell in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Ferocious press from Simon Cowell! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players.

Tom Hanks to Simon Cowell, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Simon Cowell rolls it back across the turf, Jack Black is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. Jack Black shoots but it's deflected by the defender who threw himself in like a hero. Andrew Garfield boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The film producer is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Tobey Maguire lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Long ball from Simon Cowell to Andrew Garfield, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Andrew Garfield attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

'I told you so' mode. Gordon Ramsey eyeballs the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Rowan Atkinson pulls Gordon Ramsey away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Adam Sandler sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Adam Sandler has it in buckets. Delicious through ball from Adam Sandler, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Andrew Garfield is there to gobble it up. The movie actor/actress gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. The movie actor/actress intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Panicked clearance from Zendaya, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Adam Sandler stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Gordon Ramsey walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

Majestic individual run from Adam Sandler, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. The film producer dribbles past everyone and finishes! In that position, when you can do everything on your own like that, you are a pure GENIUS. GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Adam Sandler right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Zendaya tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Gordon Ramsey has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Simon Cowell beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. What CLASS from Simon Cowell! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Gordon Ramsey kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Jack Black takes a knee behind him. Gordon Ramsey raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Zendaya puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Rowan Atkinson powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. The film producer bends the ball into the box for Tom Holland. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

Tobey Maguire slips Adam Sandler in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Cut-back along the turf from the film producer for Andrew Garfield. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Shot blocked from the movie actor/actress! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it. Authoritative clearance from Andrew Garfield in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The opponent gets the better of the film producer in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Zendaya stares at the floor. Greg Davies cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. A cracking detail — Zendaya, standing at 178, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' The gaffer gives Jack Black one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Jack Black runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Oh dear, London Three-Pints have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

The movie actor/actress opens up to Greg Davies on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The television host finds Tom Holland in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Tom Holland crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Tom Hanks is in the right place.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Great vision from Tom Hanks who finds Jack Black in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. The film producer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Rowan Atkinson keeps it short to Greg Davies, no frills, just good football intelligence. The television host shifts Tom Hanks into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Tom Hanks explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. The film producer grabs the attacker by the shoulder, blatant foul.

Greg Davies boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Greg Davies is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. OHHH the header from Rowan Atkinson! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten! Massive clearance from the television host under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

And it's in! London Three-Pints take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Short corner from the film producer to Simon Cowell, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. The film producer whips in a classic cross for Tobey Maguire in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Wasted cross from the film producer, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses.

Good ball from the film producer to Tom Holland, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Foul by Tom Holland, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Yellow card for Tom Holland. Been nibbling at opponents all game, the ref has had his fill.

Defeat against London Three-Pints. Tom Holland fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Zendaya waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.