Western FC — football_team 🇿🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Son Heung-min's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Rodrygo! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Son Heung-min climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Rodrygo films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Jake Bidwell intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Relebohile Mofokeng put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Ronwen Williams parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Mbekezeli Mbokazi launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Aaron Mokoena throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Aaron Mokoena to Relebohile Mofokeng, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Relebohile Mofokeng sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Relebohile Mofokeng fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Thembinkosi Lorch throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Thembinkosi Lorch, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Ronwen Williams sparks the transition with a quick throw to Relebohile Mofokeng, the break is lightning fast. Relebohile Mofokeng launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Relebohile Mofokeng was flying. Lightning overlap from Relebohile Mofokeng, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Relebohile Mofokeng, Rodrygo receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Ronwen Williams palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Ronwen Williams has covered seven kilometres already." Thembinkosi Lorch shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Ronwen Williams fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Ronwen Williams is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 184, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Ronwen Williams comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Bukayo Saka goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Ronwen Williams parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Jake Bidwell clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Alphonso Davies with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Alphonso Davies to Son Heung-min, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Ronwen Williams getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Mbekezeli Mbokazi wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Aaron Mokoena. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Mbekezeli Mbokazi links up with Bukayo Saka, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Thembinkosi Lorch is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Alphonso Davies clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Relebohile Mofokeng curls a cross to the near post, Alphonso Davies is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Ronwen Williams slides on his knees across the wet turf, Aaron Mokoena piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Thembinkosi Lorch winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Thembinkosi Lorch does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Rodrygo launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Ronwen Williams arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Relebohile Mofokeng sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Relebohile Mofokeng dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Alphonso Davies arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Alphonso Davies places his header from the cross by Son Heung-min, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Jake Bidwell sends an aerial beauty to Rodrygo, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Bukayo Saka, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Rodrygo is there to gobble it up. Rodrygo drifts just offside as Bukayo Saka plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Jake Bidwell, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Thembinkosi Lorch threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Rodrygo bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Rodrygo! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Rodrygo takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Alphonso Davies is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Aaron Mokoena, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Aaron Mokoena adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 46, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Bukayo Saka jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Alphonso Davies, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Alphonso Davies, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Jobe Bellingham to Alphonso Davies, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Alphonso Davies, Rodrygo receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Rodrygo! The goal was empty, Mbekezeli Mbokazi puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Mbekezeli Mbokazi slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Mbekezeli Mbokazi slides a beauty through the gap, Rodrygo is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Rodrygo goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Ronwen Williams runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Jake Bidwell joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Mbekezeli Mbokazi puts Rodrygo into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Rodrygo wants to find Thembinkosi Lorch between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Relebohile Mofokeng to Rodrygo, they bypass the wall with the combination. Rodrygo shifts it to Bukayo Saka with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Alphonso Davies exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Ronwen Williams just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Ronwen Williams legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Relebohile Mofokeng tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Relebohile Mofokeng presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Relebohile Mofokeng, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Relebohile Mofokeng! On the inswinging cross from Rodrygo, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Relebohile Mofokeng right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Mbekezeli Mbokazi tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Ronwen Williams has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Alphonso Davies, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Alphonso Davies! It fizzes between the lines and Aaron Mokoena collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Aaron Mokoena sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Alphonso Davies rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Mbekezeli Mbokazi jumps on his back, Ronwen Williams is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Ronwen Williams points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Mbekezeli Mbokazi comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Son Heung-min places it inside the post from the cross by Relebohile Mofokeng, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Son Heung-min mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Thembinkosi Lorch plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Ronwen Williams plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Thembinkosi Lorch is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Son Heung-min adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Alphonso Davies sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 26, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Thembinkosi Lorch high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Relebohile Mofokeng, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Rodrygo. Rodrygo crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Jake Bidwell in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Relebohile Mofokeng, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Relebohile Mofokeng pretends to strike and lays it off to Rodrygo, well worked short free kick. Rodrygo takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Rodrygo! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Jake Bidwell on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Jake Bidwell picks out Aaron Mokoena with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Aaron Mokoena eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Aaron Mokoena pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Aaron Mokoena finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Aaron Mokoena, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Aaron Mokoena opens up to Alphonso Davies on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Alphonso Davies there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Bukayo Saka, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Ronwen Williams grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Alphonso Davies is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Jake Bidwell and Son Heung-min, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Son Heung-min spots the gap and sends Relebohile Mofokeng into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Relebohile Mofokeng sets it for Jake Bidwell, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Jake Bidwell slips Aaron Mokoena in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Alphonso Davies lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Aaron Mokoena down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Aaron Mokoena was beyond the last man when Jake Bidwell released the pass. Bukayo Saka scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Thembinkosi Lorch grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Rodrygo pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Ronwen Williams to Jake Bidwell, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Jake Bidwell to the near post and wins the header. Jake Bidwell was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! Sumptuous header on the cross from Son Heung-min, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Ronwen Williams stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Aaron Mokoena comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Rodrygo reads the movement from Relebohile Mofokeng and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Relebohile Mofokeng! On the gift from Son Heung-min, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Rodrygo stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Alphonso Davies follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Ronwen Williams plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Relebohile Mofokeng shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Rodrygo. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Rodrygo looks for Jake Bidwell but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Jobe Bellingham hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Jobe Bellingham loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Rodrygo is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Bukayo Saka and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Ronwen Williams owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 184, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Alphonso Davies leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Jobe Bellingham launches it to Relebohile Mofokeng on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Jake Bidwell! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Rodrygo is away on his own. That is velvet. Rodrygo bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Bukayo Saka triggers a change of flanks for Rodrygo, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Rodrygo, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Bukayo Saka, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Thembinkosi Lorch played as a cross, Relebohile Mofokeng positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Relebohile Mofokeng, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Ronwen Williams! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Son Heung-min to Jobe Bellingham, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Jobe Bellingham spreads the play and finds Thembinkosi Lorch in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Thembinkosi Lorch plays it simple to Rodrygo, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Rodrygo puts it right into the feet of Son Heung-min, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Thembinkosi Lorch spreads it to Aaron Mokoena, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Aaron Mokoena tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Aaron Mokoena, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Ronwen Williams launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Jake Bidwell after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Jake Bidwell to Son Heung-min, faster than the opposition can think. Son Heung-min gifts Alphonso Davies a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Jake Bidwell and Thembinkosi Lorch do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Jake Bidwell turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Son Heung-min, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Son Heung-min! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Son Heung-min sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Son Heung-min legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bukayo Saka tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Rodrygo finds the gap and serves Bukayo Saka in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Bukayo Saka, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Relebohile Mofokeng does not fancy the shot and goes short to Jake Bidwell, trying to disorganise the defence. Jake Bidwell beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Jake Bidwell rolls it to Son Heung-min, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Son Heung-min and Jobe Bellingham blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Ronwen Williams eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Rodrygo pulls Ronwen Williams away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Thembinkosi Lorch takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Thembinkosi Lorch over the entire defence, Alphonso Davies finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Ronwen Williams! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Ronwen Williams to Jake Bidwell, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Aaron Mokoena wants to push higher. Son Heung-min reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Son Heung-min, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Aaron Mokoena, standing at 185, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Thembinkosi Lorch is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Thembinkosi Lorch delivers a tidy ball to Bukayo Saka, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Bukayo Saka that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Aaron Mokoena sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Mbekezeli Mbokazi absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Son Heung-min into Aaron Mokoena, right into the boots. No waste. Aaron Mokoena turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Mbekezeli Mbokazi. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Mbekezeli Mbokazi! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Relebohile Mofokeng is beside himself. Tidy restart from Ronwen Williams along the deck to Aaron Mokoena, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Aaron Mokoena shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Rodrygo chips his cross over the back line, Jake Bidwell is at the far post, free as a bird. Jake Bidwell goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Bukayo Saka finds Jake Bidwell between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Jake Bidwell switches the play to Aaron Mokoena on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Aaron Mokoena dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Aaron Mokoena goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Rodrygo, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Rodrygo shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Rodrygo... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Ronwen Williams eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Rodrygo pulls Ronwen Williams away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Alphonso Davies. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Son Heung-min! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Son Heung-min takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Bukayo Saka follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Son Heung-min plays the simple ball to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Mbekezeli Mbokazi pulls it back along the ground for Son Heung-min, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Son Heung-min! On the genius pass from Thembinkosi Lorch, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Son Heung-min climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Bukayo Saka films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Relebohile Mofokeng followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Relebohile Mofokeng treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Relebohile Mofokeng stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Thembinkosi Lorch comes over and hugs him without a word.

Thembinkosi Lorch delivers an inswinging free kick, Son Heung-min at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Son Heung-min, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Rodrygo hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Aaron Mokoena wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Alphonso Davies! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Alphonso Davies to Relebohile Mofokeng, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Relebohile Mofokeng, Thembinkosi Lorch had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Bukayo Saka gives it to Jobe Bellingham into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Jobe Bellingham, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Ronwen Williams winces. Jake Bidwell looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Relebohile Mofokeng once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 22-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Thembinkosi Lorch sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Relebohile Mofokeng powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Relebohile Mofokeng floats a cross in from the wing for Jake Bidwell, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Jobe Bellingham changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Alphonso Davies. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Alphonso Davies who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Thembinkosi Lorch picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Thembinkosi Lorch delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Rodrygo hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Ronwen Williams throws it out quickly to Son Heung-min, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Son Heung-min to Relebohile Mofokeng, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Relebohile Mofokeng who crosses to the near post for Alphonso Davies. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Ronwen Williams runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Bukayo Saka joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Rodrygo is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Mbekezeli Mbokazi heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Mbekezeli Mbokazi looks up and launches a long pass towards Aaron Mokoena. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Aaron Mokoena to Rodrygo, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Rodrygo, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Son Heung-min and Rodrygo are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Son Heung-min. "Next time," replies Rodrygo. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Son Heung-min tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Son Heung-min follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Relebohile Mofokeng! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Son Heung-min fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Jobe Bellingham plays the medic running in. Ronwen Williams plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Alphonso Davies sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Alphonso Davies, threading it through for Relebohile Mofokeng, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Relebohile Mofokeng! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Mbekezeli Mbokazi with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! On the pass from Relebohile Mofokeng, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Mbekezeli Mbokazi spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Bukayo Saka gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Thembinkosi Lorch into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Jake Bidwell, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Bukayo Saka drops a lofted ball to Relebohile Mofokeng, it sails over the entire midfield line. Relebohile Mofokeng lofts a cross into the box, Bukayo Saka is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Bukayo Saka rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Jobe Bellingham aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 21 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Jobe Bellingham just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Son Heung-min, standing 183, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Jobe Bellingham sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Ronwen Williams fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Bukayo Saka plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Alphonso Davies refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Alphonso Davies commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Alphonso Davies picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Alphonso Davies tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Rodrygo comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Alphonso Davies in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Relebohile Mofokeng puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Relebohile Mofokeng reaches the byline and cuts it back for Bukayo Saka arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Ronwen Williams dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Alphonso Davies! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Alphonso Davies, the ball skims the grass and finds Jake Bidwell who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Jake Bidwell rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Ronwen Williams distributes short to Rodrygo, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Rodrygo to Alphonso Davies, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Alphonso Davies drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Thembinkosi Lorch is a dangerous one, Son Heung-min meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Son Heung-min loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Ronwen Williams! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Ronwen Williams walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Alphonso Davies follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Jake Bidwell rips through the defensive curtain, Alphonso Davies is flying into the space like an arrow. Alphonso Davies looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Jake Bidwell mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Thembinkosi Lorch raises Jake Bidwell's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Ronwen Williams plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Jake Bidwell clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Rodrygo, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Jobe Bellingham on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Jobe Bellingham dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Jobe Bellingham booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Jobe Bellingham plays a low free kick into the box, Rodrygo cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Ronwen Williams hoofs it forward towards Bukayo Saka, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Bukayo Saka, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Mbekezeli Mbokazi brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, he puts it on the far post for Jake Bidwell. Jake Bidwell tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Ronwen Williams is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Mbekezeli Mbokazi slides it to Jake Bidwell, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Rodrygo is biting {his} nails in the corner. Ronwen Williams stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Jake Bidwell once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 33-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Son Heung-min leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Aaron Mokoena lays it off first time to Rodrygo, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Rodrygo keeps it short to Relebohile Mofokeng, no frills, just good football intelligence. Relebohile Mofokeng takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Relebohile Mofokeng tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Jobe Bellingham's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Aaron Mokoena boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Aaron Mokoena launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Aaron Mokoena, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Bukayo Saka tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Mbekezeli Mbokazi sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Thembinkosi Lorch bounces off Aaron Mokoena, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Thembinkosi Lorch and the entire defence is eliminated, Rodrygo is through on goal. The space is enormous. Rodrygo is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Alphonso Davies is shaking his head. Short distribution from Ronwen Williams to Thembinkosi Lorch, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Thembinkosi Lorch, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Alphonso Davies reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Alphonso Davies to Bukayo Saka, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Bukayo Saka looks for Son Heung-min with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Bukayo Saka kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Aaron Mokoena does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Ronwen Williams kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Rodrygo takes a knee behind him. Ronwen Williams raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Alphonso Davies and Son Heung-min, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Alphonso Davies! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Alphonso Davies legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Son Heung-min tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Jake Bidwell and Jobe Bellingham, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Jobe Bellingham, Relebohile Mofokeng arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Relebohile Mofokeng winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Jake Bidwell strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Bukayo Saka points at it, jaw on the floor. Ronwen Williams shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Son Heung-min, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Son Heung-min, finding Jobe Bellingham in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Jobe Bellingham to Rodrygo, the ball drifts into the free zone and Rodrygo is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Alphonso Davies, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Alphonso Davies takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Jobe Bellingham got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 21 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Aaron Mokoena is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Relebohile Mofokeng down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Relebohile Mofokeng looks up and swings in a floated cross, Bukayo Saka rises among the defenders. Cross from Bukayo Saka far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Rodrygo on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Rodrygo for Mbekezeli Mbokazi in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Mbekezeli Mbokazi unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Relebohile Mofokeng! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Son Heung-min picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Son Heung-min thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Mbekezeli Mbokazi's pass. Ronwen Williams goes long for Aaron Mokoena, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Aaron Mokoena sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Jobe Bellingham is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Bukayo Saka to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Mbekezeli Mbokazi with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Mbekezeli Mbokazi fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Bukayo Saka, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Alphonso Davies sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Son Heung-min is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Son Heung-min is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Alphonso Davies's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Alphonso Davies feeds Aaron Mokoena in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Jobe Bellingham, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Jobe Bellingham shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Ronwen Williams distributes by hand to Bukayo Saka on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Bukayo Saka wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Rodrygo pings a long diagonal to Aaron Mokoena, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Aaron Mokoena! Jake Bidwell picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Jake Bidwell takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Jake Bidwell, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Rodrygo.

Points shared. Thembinkosi Lorch sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Relebohile Mofokeng crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Jake Bidwell! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Rodrygo onto the pass from Bukayo Saka produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Jake Bidwell runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Thembinkosi Lorch gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Thembinkosi Lorch, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Bukayo Saka turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Ronwen Williams, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Bukayo Saka. Aerial duel lost by Bukayo Saka, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Ronwen Williams stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Jobe Bellingham, header from Bukayo Saka at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Rodrygo pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Rodrygo launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Relebohile Mofokeng's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Son Heung-min who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Ronwen Williams is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Alphonso Davies, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Jobe Bellingham once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 21 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Son Heung-min wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Alphonso Davies launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Jake Bidwell! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Jake Bidwell, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Alphonso Davies there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Son Heung-min tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Jobe Bellingham gives it to Thembinkosi Lorch who returns it first time, Jobe Bellingham ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Jobe Bellingham accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Jobe Bellingham in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Jobe Bellingham combines with Relebohile Mofokeng from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Ronwen Williams and Mbekezeli Mbokazi do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Ronwen Williams arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Jobe Bellingham plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Jobe Bellingham. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Jobe Bellingham, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Thembinkosi Lorch is lurking. Aerial duel won by Thembinkosi Lorch in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Ronwen Williams rolls it short to Jobe Bellingham into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Jobe Bellingham finds Son Heung-min on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Son Heung-min delivers a tidy ball to Bukayo Saka, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Jobe Bellingham walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Mbekezeli Mbokazi carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Bukayo Saka from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Bukayo Saka storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Bukayo Saka! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Bukayo Saka sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Mbekezeli Mbokazi snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Ronwen Williams waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Jake Bidwell with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Bukayo Saka spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Jake Bidwell grabs Rodrygo who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Rodrygo a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Alphonso Davies to Jake Bidwell, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Jake Bidwell. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Jake Bidwell, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Jake Bidwell... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Mbekezeli Mbokazi in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Rodrygo! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Rodrygo plays it into the channel for Jake Bidwell, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Jake Bidwell aims for Rodrygo but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Jake Bidwell! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Jake Bidwell boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Rodrygo. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Relebohile Mofokeng is leaning back with {his} feet up, 161 cm of pure relaxation. Jake Bidwell is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Mbekezeli Mbokazi once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 21 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Jobe Bellingham leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Rodrygo unleashes a raking ball out to Thembinkosi Lorch, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Thembinkosi Lorch weights his pass into the space for Rodrygo who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Relebohile Mofokeng launches a long ball for Rodrygo, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Ronwen Williams plays out from the back with Mbekezeli Mbokazi, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Ronwen Williams closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Ronwen Williams opts for the short option to Alphonso Davies, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Rodrygo delivered with pace, Alphonso Davies finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Alphonso Davies is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Rodrygo slips Bukayo Saka in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Aaron Mokoena for Bukayo Saka who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Bukayo Saka is caught offside from Rodrygo's ball over the top. Ronwen Williams boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Son Heung-min! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Son Heung-min slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Ronwen Williams plays it along the ground to Relebohile Mofokeng, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Relebohile Mofokeng! The ball arcs over the midfield and Rodrygo collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Rodrygo releases Aaron Mokoena with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Aaron Mokoena gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Relebohile Mofokeng just needs to sidefoot it home. Relebohile Mofokeng with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Ronwen Williams walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Thembinkosi Lorch follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Rodrygo to Jobe Bellingham, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Jobe Bellingham lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Ronwen Williams, Aaron Mokoena positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Aaron Mokoena explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Aaron Mokoena over the defence, Alphonso Davies is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Mbekezeli Mbokazi goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Mbekezeli Mbokazi inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Rodrygo plays the free kick quickly to Aaron Mokoena, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Aaron Mokoena strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Son Heung-min tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Jobe Bellingham picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Jobe Bellingham, it sails over the entire back four and Alphonso Davies is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Ronwen Williams! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Ronwen Williams sends an absolute rocket towards Mbekezeli Mbokazi, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Thembinkosi Lorch claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Rodrygo's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 25 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Bukayo Saka salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Son Heung-min overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Son Heung-min, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Rodrygo. Danger. Cross from Rodrygo intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Rodrygo, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Jobe Bellingham, lovely delivery and Son Heung-min rises above the defence. Son Heung-min goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Son Heung-min to Rodrygo, playing it quick between the lines. Rodrygo wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Aaron Mokoena goes crossfield to Thembinkosi Lorch, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Thembinkosi Lorch off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Bukayo Saka at the far side. Ronwen Williams repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Son Heung-min heads the corner from Jobe Bellingham at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Alphonso Davies has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Alphonso Davies sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Ronwen Williams lumps it long towards Son Heung-min, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Son Heung-min! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Son Heung-min feeds Rodrygo in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Rodrygo! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Relebohile Mofokeng is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Jake Bidwell pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Jake Bidwell goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Son Heung-min! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Son Heung-min spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Jake Bidwell kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Son Heung-min takes a knee behind him. Ronwen Williams raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Relebohile Mofokeng rises on the delivery from Bukayo Saka and powers a furious header into the net!

Mbekezeli Mbokazi rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Jake Bidwell. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Jake Bidwell for Jobe Bellingham, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Jobe Bellingham into the box, Jake Bidwell arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Ronwen Williams! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Ronwen Williams smashes a volley towards Son Heung-min, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Son Heung-min! Alphonso Davies receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Jobe Bellingham is chatting with Ronwen Williams about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Mbekezeli Mbokazi — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 177, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Ronwen Williams is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Alphonso Davies is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Alphonso Davies has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Alphonso Davies plays the free kick back to Aaron Mokoena, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Relebohile Mofokeng, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Relebohile Mofokeng grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Relebohile Mofokeng, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Relebohile Mofokeng shapes to shoot but plays it short to Son Heung-min, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Son Heung-min and Jake Bidwell, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Jake Bidwell, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Aaron Mokoena! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Aaron Mokoena feeds Jake Bidwell in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Jake Bidwell to Jobe Bellingham, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Bukayo Saka gives it to Relebohile Mofokeng into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Relebohile Mofokeng has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Aaron Mokoena, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Relebohile Mofokeng! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Jobe Bellingham pings a ridiculous diagonal to Thembinkosi Lorch. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Thembinkosi Lorch is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Mbekezeli Mbokazi lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Ronwen Williams grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Alphonso Davies pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Jobe Bellingham feeds Bukayo Saka in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Bukayo Saka! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Aaron Mokoena anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Aaron Mokoena beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Aaron Mokoena takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Son Heung-min, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Son Heung-min sets it for Bukayo Saka, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Ronwen Williams plays it short to Relebohile Mofokeng, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Relebohile Mofokeng plays the simple ball to Jobe Bellingham, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Ronwen Williams, you have the pace. Alphonso Davies, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Ronwen Williams, all 184 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Mbekezeli Mbokazi leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Ronwen Williams to Son Heung-min, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Son Heung-min powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Son Heung-min tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Ronwen Williams! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Ronwen Williams, sends the ball sixty yards, Relebohile Mofokeng is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Relebohile Mofokeng clears the defence and finds Bukayo Saka in the danger area. Bukayo Saka beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Bukayo Saka winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Relebohile Mofokeng gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Relebohile Mofokeng. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Relebohile Mofokeng earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Relebohile Mofokeng is floated in, Bukayo Saka makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Ronwen Williams spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Jobe Bellingham gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Son Heung-min, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Son Heung-min wins the header and flicks it on for Jobe Bellingham. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Son Heung-min under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Mbekezeli Mbokazi dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Thembinkosi Lorch sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Son Heung-min. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Relebohile Mofokeng drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Rodrygo read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Rodrygo, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Son Heung-min leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Son Heung-min racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Son Heung-min's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Ronwen Williams for Jobe Bellingham who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Ronwen Williams slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Jobe Bellingham has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Ronwen Williams sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Thembinkosi Lorch! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Son Heung-min, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Bukayo Saka catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Bukayo Saka! On the pass from Jobe Bellingham, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Bukayo Saka does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Ronwen Williams launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Ronwen Williams arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Jobe Bellingham finds Thembinkosi Lorch between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Thembinkosi Lorch along the grass for Jobe Bellingham. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Jobe Bellingham trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Thembinkosi Lorch had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Rodrygo lays it off first time to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Mbekezeli Mbokazi squares it back for Aaron Mokoena, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Ronwen Williams catapults the ball towards Aaron Mokoena from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Aaron Mokoena who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Aaron Mokoena. One touch football: Aaron Mokoena to Thembinkosi Lorch, faster than the opposition can think.

Thembinkosi Lorch starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Mbekezeli Mbokazi conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Son Heung-min was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 183, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Mbekezeli Mbokazi jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Son Heung-min, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Alphonso Davies sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Ronwen Williams is at the centre, lifted up by Thembinkosi Lorch and Ronwen Williams, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Thembinkosi Lorch on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Thembinkosi Lorch, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Aaron Mokoena mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Aaron Mokoena sends an inswinging free kick in, Relebohile Mofokeng rises for the header at the far post.

Alphonso Davies cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Alphonso Davies slides it to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Rodrygo, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Alphonso Davies, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Jake Bidwell. Jake Bidwell tries to find Alphonso Davies but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Alphonso Davies goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Alphonso Davies just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Thembinkosi Lorch has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Relebohile Mofokeng presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Relebohile Mofokeng unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Aaron Mokoena frees up the entire channel for Bukayo Saka with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Bukayo Saka, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Alphonso Davies.

Brilliant! Aaron Mokoena goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Ronwen Williams photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'