My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

Smooth transition from Roberto Carlos to Ferran Torres, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Ferran Torres beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. Ferran Torres takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Roberto Carlos strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Paolo Maldini points at it, jaw on the floor. Vozinha shakes his head, not believing it.

Paolo Maldini steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Paolo Maldini winds up from 25 yards and IT GOES! The ball flies like a missile, GOAL!

Paolo Maldini runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Koman Coulibaly gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Just wide from Robert Lewandowski, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

It's hit the back of the net! Paris Saint-Glinglin lead and we look completely lost.

The opponent gets the better of the association football referee in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Ball spilled by Vozinha in the danger zone! Massive scare, we nearly had an own goal. Vozinha sends an absolute rocket towards Xavi Hernández, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Rapid combination: Xavi Hernández to Koman Coulibaly, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Bobby Moore winces. Xavi Hernández looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Now here's a proper one — Paolo Maldini was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 186, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The gaffer gives Ferran Torres one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Ferran Torres runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Corner from Pavel Nedvěd, Xavi Hernández takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down. Driven kick from Vozinha to Paolo Maldini, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Quick one-two between Paolo Maldini and Ferran Torres, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Ferran Torres fires the ball over to Andrés Iniesta with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Change of flanks from Xavi Hernández, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Pavel Nedvěd. Pavel Nedvěd dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Lay-off from Pavel Nedvěd to Paolo Maldini, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Good ball from Paolo Maldini to Robert Lewandowski, playing it quick between the lines. Body feint from Robert Lewandowski, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. No joy for Robert Lewandowski, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. Pavel Nedvěd anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Emergency clearance from Pavel Nedvěd, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Xavi Hernández fires wide, not far from the post though! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Crossfield pass from Roberto Carlos to Bobby Moore, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Underhit ball from Bobby Moore, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

Bobby Moore with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Bobby Moore embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal.

One touch football: Javier Zanetti to Paolo Maldini, faster than the opposition can think. Overlap from Paolo Maldini on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Shirt tug from Paolo Maldini, the material is stretching, the ref sees it all! Yellow card for Paolo Maldini, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship.

1-1 and off we go. Pavel Nedvěd hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Javier Zanetti does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Ferran Torres uses Bobby Moore as a wall, the return is instant, Ferran Torres carries on into space. Crystal clear. GOOOAL! Ferran Torres unleashes a cannonball that ends its run in the back of the net. The bar shook!

Full moonwalk from Ferran Torres, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Xavi Hernández does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Vozinha applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Roberto Carlos dives in but the attacker saw it coming a mile off and nutmegs him for good measure. Humiliating. PENALTY! Javier Zanetti is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! Javier Zanetti sends the keeper the wrong way with STAGGERING ease! Penalty buried, GOOOAL!

Roberto Carlos weaves through México No-Era-Penal's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Javier Zanetti screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Bobby Moore feeds Koman Coulibaly in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Koman Coulibaly weights his pass into the space for Roberto Carlos who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Roberto Carlos accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Tactical foul from Roberto Carlos, grabs the shirt to stop the break. Ref spots it instantly.

Short pass from the association football referee to Pavel Nedvěd, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Pavel Nedvěd floats a cross in from the wing for Ferran Torres, the ball hangs in the box! Cross from Ferran Torres cleared at the near post by the defence, that is frustrating. Vozinha plays it along the ground to Koman Coulibaly, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Koman Coulibaly takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Roberto Carlos spreads it to Andrés Iniesta, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Andrés Iniesta puts it right into the feet of Robert Lewandowski, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Robert Lewandowski curls a cross to the near post, Andrés Iniesta is lurking in the box. Oh no Andrés Iniesta! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Ferran Torres deserved better. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Vozinha is chatting with Roberto Carlos about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." A little fun fact for you — Pavel Nedvěd, all 177 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Vozinha is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Corner from Koman Coulibaly, Ferran Torres throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. Bobby Moore heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Pavel Nedvěd unleashes a raking ball out to Ferran Torres, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

The board shows the additional minutes, the crowd erupts with noise. Andrés Iniesta barely touched, down he goes, claiming a foul. Pure theatre. Andrés Iniesta steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Andrés Iniesta sends the free kick in front of goal, Koman Coulibaly leaps to try the header. Koman Coulibaly gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post.

On the corner from Pavel Nedvěd, Ferran Torres rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar. Vozinha goes long for Javier Zanetti, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Javier Zanetti slides it to Pavel Nedvěd, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Pavel Nedvěd swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Xavi Hernández, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Paolo Maldini uses Roberto Carlos as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Feint from Paolo Maldini, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. Paolo Maldini delivers a tidy ball to Javier Zanetti, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Javier Zanetti picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Vozinha slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Andrés Iniesta photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Beautiful distribution from Vozinha to Pavel Nedvěd, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Awful pass from Pavel Nedvěd, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Big clearance from Bobby Moore under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Massive win over México No-Era-Penal! Bobby Moore is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Paolo Maldini pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Crafty ball from Paolo Maldini into the gap, Ferran Torres arrives into the space and collects on the move. GOOOOOOAL! Ferran Torres meets the pass from Pavel Nedvěd and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Oh dear, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Vozinha stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Robert Lewandowski follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Vozinha plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Andrés Iniesta embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. Andrés Iniesta chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

Andrés Iniesta dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Robert Lewandowski plays it simple to Andrés Iniesta, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nutmeg from Andrés Iniesta, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. SHOOOOOOT from Andrés Iniesta! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands! Corner from Andrés Iniesta, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Authoritative clearance from Robert Lewandowski in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Bobby Moore lays it off first time to Pavel Nedvěd, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Shifting pass from Pavel Nedvěd to Ferran Torres, the ball drifts into the free zone and Ferran Torres is onto it in two strides. Ferran Torres reaches the byline and cuts it back for Bobby Moore arriving from the second wave. Oh the keeper comes out and misses Bobby Moore's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away!

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Vozinha is livid, gesturing wildly. Roberto Carlos chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Here's a belter — Andrés Iniesta is genuinely terrified of pigeons. Absolutely petrified. The lads had to escort him through Trafalgar Square last summer and he was clinging to the physio like a child. He's 171 and built like a shed, but one pigeon and he's gone. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Paolo Maldini high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Koman Coulibaly puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Wing switch from Koman Coulibaly, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Xavi Hernández brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Xavi Hernández overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. The dribble from Xavi Hernández fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Ferran Torres cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts.

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Andrés Iniesta produces a piece of skill that will live long in the memory, the entire ground is in raptures. The overlap from Andrés Iniesta, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Great overlap from Andrés Iniesta down the flank, pinpoint cross for Roberto Carlos in the area. This is the moment.

Short restart from Vozinha to Xavi Hernández, building from the back nice and tidy. Xavi Hernández picks out Bobby Moore with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Bobby Moore sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Bobby Moore chips a cross over the defensive line, Ferran Torres controls in space. That is world class.

Xavi Hernández sends Ferran Torres into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. The defence holds its line and Ferran Torres is caught offside from Bobby Moore's ball over the top. Panicked clearance from Robert Lewandowski, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Brilliant switch of play from Pavel Nedvěd! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Robert Lewandowski. Robert Lewandowski sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Pavel Nedvěd goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. Pavel Nedvěd picks up a deserved yellow, the elbow in the aerial duel was spotted.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Oh what a challenge! Javier Zanetti goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Javier Zanetti finds the gap and serves Bobby Moore in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Bobby Moore tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Share of the spoils. Vozinha walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Roberto Carlos throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib probably walk away happier than we do. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Robert Lewandowski does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. GOOOAL for Robert Lewandowski! Not the prettiest goal in the world but it is in! Striker's instinct, GOAL!

Bobby Moore to Paolo Maldini, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Paolo Maldini hits the right post! The ball spins back into play, just centimetres from going in. The association football referee pops up in the right place on the cross from Pavel Nedvěd! In that position, that kind of presence in the box is what turns you into a goalscorer. GOAL!

Ferran Torres slides a beauty through the gap, Javier Zanetti is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Javier Zanetti is flagged offside, frustrating for Roberto Carlos who played a lovely ball through. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Koman Coulibaly sends an aerial beauty to Roberto Carlos, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

It's in! Dakar Teranga FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Pavel Nedvěd gives it to Roberto Carlos, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. Pavel Nedvěd anticipates the run from Bobby Moore and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Bobby Moore caught offside by a shoulder width on Robert Lewandowski's through ball, what a shame! Vozinha boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Javier Zanetti! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Javier Zanetti rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Vozinha nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Ferran Torres is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. You won't believe this, but Robert Lewandowski has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Xavi Hernández sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Robert Lewandowski launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Roberto Carlos, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Roberto Carlos attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. The association football referee presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Good ball from the association football referee to Xavi Hernández, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Nutmeg from Xavi Hernández on the defender, the humiliation is absolute.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. Vozinha dives feet first and turns the strike away! American-keeper style, perfection. Monster clearance from Vozinha, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Ferran Torres.

Javier Zanetti lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Sideways ball from Pavel Nedvěd to Robert Lewandowski, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Robert Lewandowski slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints.

Classy interception from Javier Zanetti, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Long ball from Javier Zanetti to Andrés Iniesta, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The opponent gets the better of Andrés Iniesta in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. MONSTER save from Vozinha! The reflexes are absolutely inhuman on that strike!

Xavi Hernández sends an inswinging free kick in, Roberto Carlos rises for the header at the far post. COME ON Roberto Carlos rises and thumps his header! But it goes wide of the post, infuriating. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

Corner from Xavi Hernández, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Roberto Carlos drops a lofted ball to Ferran Torres, it sails over the entire midfield line. Ferran Torres links up with Xavi Hernández, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Xavi Hernández hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

FULL TIME! Roberto Carlos jumps on Xavi Hernández's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Dakar Teranga FC shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Robert Lewandowski turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Koman Coulibaly. The defence did not even have time to blink. GOOOOAL! Koman Coulibaly lobs the keeper with a silky touch, the ball drops gently into the back of the net. That is MAGNIFICENT, pure velvet!

The association football referee gets to the byline and floats one in for Robert Lewandowski. Crossing is his bread and butter. NOOOOOO! Robert Lewandowski puts it in the back of his OWN net! He tried to clear the ball but it ends up in his own goal. His keeper stares at him in DISBELIEF, this is an absolute NIGHTMARE.

Koman Coulibaly legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Xavi Hernández tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Quick exchange between Pavel Nedvěd and Andrés Iniesta, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Short build-up from Andrés Iniesta to Roberto Carlos, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Roberto Carlos strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. Roberto Carlos tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball.

Burst of pace from Ferran Torres on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. The defender bundles over Ferran Torres in the box, the referee blows for a penalty without HESITATION. The stadium holds its breath, everything is decided NOW. Ferran Torres misses his penalty! The shot goes well wide, he's lost his nerve.

They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Pavel Nedvěd sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Pavel Nedvěd lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Koman Coulibaly claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Koman Coulibaly is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 180, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' Javier Zanetti leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Royal interception from Paolo Maldini! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Powerful run from Pavel Nedvěd down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Robert Lewandowski produces a showpiece dribble, a roulette followed by a sharp cut. It is a magic trick. Robert Lewandowski powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Robert Lewandowski looks up and swings in a floated cross, Andrés Iniesta rises among the defenders. Andrés Iniesta thumps his header on the delivery from Ferran Torres but it sails over. Long kick from Vozinha, Koman Coulibaly positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Huge interception from Paolo Maldini! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Paolo Maldini launches it to Xavi Hernández on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Xavi Hernández rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Xavi Hernández is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion.

Andrés Iniesta puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Roberto Carlos is there to finish. Roberto Carlos gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

And that's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Vozinha spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Javier Zanetti gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Paolo Maldini boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The opponent is bundled over by Andrés Iniesta. Not much in it, but the whistle goes.

FULL TIME! Andrés Iniesta jumps on Paolo Maldini's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Douala Makossa-Corner shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. Vozinha in the penalty area, arms out wide, calling for the ball. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Koman Coulibaly! On the gift from Ferran Torres, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Knee slide from Vozinha right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Javier Zanetti does the same down the line. Vozinha turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Vozinha opts for the short option to Xavi Hernández, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Lovely use of the ball by Xavi Hernández, finding Javier Zanetti in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Robert Lewandowski chains a roulette into a step-over, defenders are dropping like flies. Robert Lewandowski burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Robert Lewandowski sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Javier Zanetti in the thick of it.

Short distribution from Vozinha to Javier Zanetti, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Javier Zanetti gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Robert Lewandowski cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Great vision from Robert Lewandowski who switches to Andrés Iniesta. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Floated cross from Andrés Iniesta off the right, Robert Lewandowski has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

The corner from Andrés Iniesta comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Javier Zanetti clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Massive diagonal from Pavel Nedvěd! Javier Zanetti receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Little shift from Javier Zanetti to Koman Coulibaly, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Koman Coulibaly charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Roberto Carlos is livid, gesturing wildly. Bobby Moore chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." A plumber was called to Roberto Carlos's house after the 53-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' Koman Coulibaly is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Vozinha hoofs it forward towards Paolo Maldini, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Enormous leap from Paolo Maldini who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Paolo Maldini takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Pull-back from Paolo Maldini inside the area for Robert Lewandowski, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. Vozinha makes a HUUUUGE save! The attacker hit it well but the keeper read it all the way.

Bobby Moore clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Koman Coulibaly sets it for Robert Lewandowski, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Textbook one-two between Robert Lewandowski and Ferran Torres. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football.

Vozinha distributes short to Koman Coulibaly, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Koman Coulibaly is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. Vozinha grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands. Pavel Nedvěd plays the simple ball to Paolo Maldini, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Paolo Maldini slips Roberto Carlos in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. Ferran Torres clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. The free kick from Ferran Torres flies high over the bar. The away fans are ducking up there!

Oh no, Lagos No-Carry-Last score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Paolo Maldini finds Bobby Moore between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Lazy pass from Bobby Moore, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Robert Lewandowski with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

Level score. Bobby Moore screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Koman Coulibaly boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

The free kick from Andrés Iniesta clears the defence and finds Roberto Carlos in the danger area. BOOOM the header from Roberto Carlos! On the cross from Robert Lewandowski, he produces a FURIOUS header that ends in the net. GOAL!

Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Pavel Nedvěd does not do subtle, he sends a SCREAMER that ends up top corner. GOAL!

Pavel Nedvěd mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Javier Zanetti plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Vozinha applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

And there it is, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Dead defender. Vozinha mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Xavi Hernández completes the choreography by collapsing. Vozinha arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Corner from Pavel Nedvěd and a header from Koman Coulibaly, it grazes the bar but goes over. Ooh so close! Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Roberto Carlos keeps it short to Ferran Torres, no frills, just good football intelligence.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Paolo Maldini spots Andrés Iniesta in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Aerial duel won by Andrés Iniesta, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Firm pass from Andrés Iniesta into Javier Zanetti, right into the boots. No waste.

Bobby Moore is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Bobby Moore: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Now Koman Coulibaly has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 180 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' Out they come. Vozinha has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Vozinha plays it short to Paolo Maldini, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Well spotted by Paolo Maldini who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Paolo Maldini shifts it to Roberto Carlos with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Roberto Carlos gives it to Koman Coulibaly into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Pavel Nedvěd clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Javier Zanetti gets across the near post first. Javier Zanetti rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. Javier Zanetti absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Paolo Maldini clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Bobby Moore rolls it to Andrés Iniesta, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Foul by Andrés Iniesta in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move.

Superb pass from Andrés Iniesta into the gap for Roberto Carlos, the defender is rooted to the spot. Roberto Carlos was too eager! Jumped the gun on Xavi Hernández's pass and the goal is ruled out for offside. Vozinha distributes by hand to Roberto Carlos on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Oh that's terrible! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Vozinha runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Paolo Maldini gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Pavel Nedvěd sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Xavi Hernández finds Robert Lewandowski between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Little shift from Robert Lewandowski to Koman Coulibaly, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Quick throw from Vozinha to Ferran Torres out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Superb leap from Ferran Torres who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Ferran Torres launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Header won by Andrés Iniesta, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Andrés Iniesta boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Vozinha shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Roberto Carlos goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. What a MISSILE from Pavel Nedvěd! The strike is so powerful the keeper had no time to dive. GOAL!

Pavel Nedvěd kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Ferran Torres takes a knee behind him. Vozinha raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Telepathic pass from Javier Zanetti to Koman Coulibaly, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. The association football referee winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Free kick to the opponents. Ferran Torres caught his man with a stray leg.

Good ball from Pavel Nedvěd to Robert Lewandowski, playing it quick between the lines. Robert Lewandowski shifts it wide to Pavel Nedvěd on the right, lovely ball into the space. Good run from Pavel Nedvěd who crosses to the near post for Xavi Hernández. The defender is beaten to it. What a scramble after Xavi Hernández's corner! The ball just won't go away, the defense is panicking!

Koman Coulibaly gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Koman Coulibaly has it running through his veins. The association football referee lays it off first time to Javier Zanetti, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Javier Zanetti charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Javier Zanetti sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Vozinha sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Andrés Iniesta snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Vozinha waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Pavel Nedvěd. And you, Andrés Iniesta. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Scouts initially spotted Bobby Moore not on a pitch but in a Greggs queue, where the 85-year-old demonstrated elite spatial awareness and patience beyond his years. At 177, the lad dominated the sausage roll section. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Xavi Hernández takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Paolo Maldini opens up to Koman Coulibaly on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Magnificent leap from Koman Coulibaly who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Almighty boot from Koman Coulibaly who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Pavel Nedvěd wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Robert Lewandowski. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Koman Coulibaly floats his free kick into the area, Andrés Iniesta is there for the header. Andrés Iniesta meets the cross from Ferran Torres with his head but it goes over the bar! Vozinha launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Pavel Nedvěd after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Corner from Andrés Iniesta, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Diagonal from Paolo Maldini to Xavi Hernández, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Xavi Hernández lays it off first time to Andrés Iniesta, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Devastating burst of pace from Andrés Iniesta, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Paolo Maldini gives it to Bobby Moore and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Paolo Maldini is away. Burst of speed from Paolo Maldini, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Paolo Maldini attempts a step-over but the defender reads it and wins the ball back. That has not worked. Robert Lewandowski intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

Pavel Nedvěd to Javier Zanetti, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Low cut-back from Javier Zanetti, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Pavel Nedvěd. Oh no Pavel Nedvěd! Served on a plate by Paolo Maldini, all alone with an open goal, and he fires wide! The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

High recovery from Robert Lewandowski! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Robert Lewandowski chips it over the keeper but it loops up and drops onto the side netting. Close but not on target. Vozinha catapults the ball towards Pavel Nedvěd from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Points shared with Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Pavel Nedvěd slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Andrés Iniesta has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-3 (L)

They're starting to suffocate the opposition with their pressing. Wicked through ball from Paolo Maldini, the ball skims the grass and finds Javier Zanetti who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Javier Zanetti picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Paolo Maldini dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. Stunning scenes, Vozinha abandoning his goal and taking a position in the opposition area. GOOOOOOAL for Ferran Torres! On the free kick struck by Xavi Hernández, he gets there first and powers his header into the net!

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

The corner from Koman Coulibaly is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Massive clearance from Bobby Moore in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Robert Lewandowski tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Pavel Nedvěd is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Vozinha puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Teammates say Javier Zanetti has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 178, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' Vozinha is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

What a mess! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Javier Zanetti. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Majestic individual run from Javier Zanetti, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Vozinha does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Paolo Maldini launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Vozinha arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Quick dribble from Ferran Torres, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. OHHH Ferran Torres drags the attacker back by the jersey, blatant foul! Booking for Ferran Torres, cynical foul to break up the counter. He accepts the consequences gladly. Short free kick, Ferran Torres gives it to Andrés Iniesta who finds himself with space to work with.

Xavi Hernández pulls out an elastico from nowhere, the defender is bamboozled. That is showtime. Xavi Hernández hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Xavi Hernández bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Pavel Nedvěd wins the aerial battle. Pavel Nedvěd outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. Vozinha lumps it long towards Roberto Carlos, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Fantastic surging run from Koman Coulibaly, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. Ghost tackle from Koman Coulibaly, dives at a shadow while the actual ball carrier wanders past on the other side. Pavel Nedvěd commits the professional foul. Through on goal, last man — the red card was always coming.

Sideways ball from Bobby Moore to Javier Zanetti, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Lay-off from Javier Zanetti to Paolo Maldini, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Paolo Maldini feeds Roberto Carlos in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Javier Zanetti feeds Paolo Maldini in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. Intense pressing from Pavel Nedvěd, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal.

Gutting. Vozinha throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Koman Coulibaly picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Ferran Torres shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Pavel Nedvěd. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Pavel Nedvěd spots the keeper off his line and dinks it over him, perfect lob, it is in! GOAL! The intelligence of that finish, that is WORLD CLASS.

Vozinha sparks the transition with a quick throw to Paolo Maldini, the break is lightning fast. Paolo Maldini delivers a tidy ball to Pavel Nedvěd, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Pavel Nedvěd accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Pavel Nedvěd lobs it over the centre-backs, Andrés Iniesta arrives at pace and finds himself clean through.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. What a claim from Vozinha! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. Massive punt from Vozinha, sends the ball sixty yards, Xavi Hernández is scrapping for it up top.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Andrés Iniesta plays the short corner to Ferran Torres, a little combination on the flank. Cross from Ferran Torres off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Xavi Hernández at the far side. The cross from Xavi Hernández is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Bobby Moore winces. Koman Coulibaly looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Vozinha still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 40-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' Paolo Maldini leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Koman Coulibaly floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Xavi Hernández sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

Interception from Bobby Moore right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Andrés Iniesta strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. Andrés Iniesta lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Vozinha fires it out quickly by hand to Bobby Moore, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Bobby Moore tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. IMPECCABLE aerial command from Vozinha! He clears house, the ball is in his gloves. Lovely use of the ball by Bobby Moore, finding Robert Lewandowski in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Koman Coulibaly plays the corner back to Pavel Nedvěd, they take care to keep possession. Perfect low cut-back from Pavel Nedvěd, the ball slides across the box and Xavi Hernández just has to finish. Miss of the season from Xavi Hernández! Pavel Nedvěd serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Quick one-two between Paolo Maldini and Robert Lewandowski, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Robert Lewandowski shoots but it's deflected by the defender who threw himself in like a hero. Paolo Maldini sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Bobby Moore hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Monumental ball from Ferran Torres to Xavi Hernández, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Xavi Hernández explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Xavi Hernández to Javier Zanetti, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Javier Zanetti changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Koman Coulibaly. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Points shared. Vozinha sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Roberto Carlos crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Andrés Iniesta plays it simple to Roberto Carlos, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Sublime through ball from Roberto Carlos for Bobby Moore who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Bobby Moore winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Andrés Iniesta fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Javier Zanetti plays the medic running in. Vozinha plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The press from Robert Lewandowski pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Robert Lewandowski pounces. A forced gift. Robert Lewandowski takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Robert Lewandowski does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

Vozinha smashes a volley towards Javier Zanetti, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Javier Zanetti charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Late challenge from Javier Zanetti, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. Booking for Javier Zanetti. The referee warned, then warned again, now it's a card.

Decisive interception from Javier Zanetti who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Javier Zanetti saw it all. Javier Zanetti boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Koman Coulibaly sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Xavi Hernández. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

Koman Coulibaly slips it to Robert Lewandowski on the short corner, the defense stretches to follow. Robert Lewandowski plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Andrés Iniesta in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. Incredible miss from Andrés Iniesta! Koman Coulibaly does everything right and he fluffs it in front of an open goal. Unforgivable.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Javier Zanetti is leaning back with {his} feet up, 178 cm of pure relaxation. Andrés Iniesta is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. Here's one that'll make you smile — Xavi Hernández spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 46 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Ferran Torres knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Pavel Nedvěd does not fancy the shot and goes short to Koman Coulibaly, trying to disorganise the defence. Koman Coulibaly beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Koman Coulibaly rolls it to Pavel Nedvěd, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Pavel Nedvěd links a one-two with Robert Lewandowski, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection.

Clinical interception from Paolo Maldini, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Paolo Maldini rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Koman Coulibaly. The far side is completely deserted. Koman Coulibaly loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump. Vozinha stretches every inch and pushes the shot away. Iron hand, wasp-like reflexes.

They've done it! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Vozinha stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Pavel Nedvěd follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Vozinha plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Vozinha finds Javier Zanetti with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Javier Zanetti reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Javier Zanetti was quicker. Firm pass from Javier Zanetti into Paolo Maldini, right into the boots. No waste. One touch football: Paolo Maldini to Javier Zanetti, faster than the opposition can think.

Pavel Nedvěd nudges the ball to Robert Lewandowski from the free kick, the wall has been beaten by guile. BY A WHISKER! Robert Lewandowski fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Roberto Carlos sends Bobby Moore into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

Tidy restart from Vozinha along the deck to Javier Zanetti, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Javier Zanetti sets it for Andrés Iniesta, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Switch from Andrés Iniesta! The ball arcs over the midfield and Xavi Hernández collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Xavi Hernández bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Cut-back along the deck from Xavi Hernández, Robert Lewandowski pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on.

It's all over and it's OURS! Javier Zanetti leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Andrés Iniesta picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. Everything on the line, Vozinha is up, nothing to lose now. GOOOOAL! Ferran Torres flies like a bird on the cross from Andrés Iniesta and powers his header into the bottom corner!

Vozinha falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Ferran Torres arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Monster clearance from Javier Zanetti! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Xavi Hernández finds Ferran Torres between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Neat one-two between Javier Zanetti and Roberto Carlos, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. Offside. Javier Zanetti was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when Paolo Maldini passed. Vozinha takes his time and plays it short to Bobby Moore. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Bobby Moore plays it simple to Roberto Carlos, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Rapid combination: Paolo Maldini to Roberto Carlos, the ball barely touches the grass between them. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Xavi Hernández links up with Paolo Maldini, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Paolo Maldini puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

Ferran Torres rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Bobby Moore glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Absolutely unbelievable scenes — Koman Coulibaly, aged 56, once admitted on live radio that he eats a Greggs sausage roll before every single match. The lad swears it's the secret to his pace, and honestly, who are we to argue with those numbers? And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' The second period begins and Javier Zanetti launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Koman Coulibaly whips the free kick into the box for Pavel Nedvěd, dangerous delivery! Pavel Nedvěd tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender.

Pavel Nedvěd slides it to Ferran Torres, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Ferran Torres pings a ridiculous diagonal to Robert Lewandowski. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Magnificent tackle from Robert Lewandowski! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Robert Lewandowski goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Mad pressing, the strikers chase defenders like wolves. Superb defensive work from Roberto Carlos there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Brilliant pass from Roberto Carlos! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Andrés Iniesta is onto it. GO ON Andrés Iniesta! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists! The corner from Andrés Iniesta is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post.

Huge tackle from Javier Zanetti! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Javier Zanetti thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Header lost for Javier Zanetti, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. Vozinha comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Roberto Carlos sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Pavel Nedvěd is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Pavel Nedvěd gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Looping cross from Pavel Nedvěd, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Roberto Carlos. Danger. Roberto Carlos puts it into the danger zone and it's absolute PANDEMONIUM! The defense clears in desperation!

Paolo Maldini with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! With one swing of the boot, Paolo Maldini finds Ferran Torres on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

1-1. Javier Zanetti and Vozinha are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Javier Zanetti. "Next time," replies Vozinha. And they vanish into the tunnel. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Corner from Pavel Nedvěd, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears! GOOOOOAL! Andrés Iniesta turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Pavel Nedvěd and Paolo Maldini do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Vozinha arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Paolo Maldini slips Andrés Iniesta in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Low pull-back from Andrés Iniesta across the turf, Pavel Nedvěd controls and shoots in one movement. NOOOOO Pavel Nedvěd! The goal was empty, Javier Zanetti puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

Corner from Pavel Nedvěd and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! Paolo Maldini throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it.

The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. The ref has corrected his decision, Robert Lewandowski walks off with a red card! Red card shown to Robert Lewandowski! He's spat at an opponent. Absolutely vile behaviour. Robert Lewandowski goes short to Bobby Moore, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine.

Unbelievable! Sevilla Olé-Olé score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Pavel Nedvěd sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Paolo Maldini has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. In a baffling move, Koman Coulibaly adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 56, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' The gaffer gives Roberto Carlos one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Roberto Carlos runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Vozinha stretches a foot and the shot rebounds off his studs! It was a goal, the keeper says NO. Vozinha rolls it short to Xavi Hernández into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

They've scored again! Sevilla Olé-Olé are running riot and we can't cope.

Vozinha sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Xavi Hernández photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Corner cleared by the defence, the association football referee was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Roberto Carlos launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Vozinha plays out from the back with Andrés Iniesta, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now. Overlap on the left from Pavel Nedvěd, floated cross towards Javier Zanetti who rises highest at the far post. Javier Zanetti wins the header and flicks it on for Ferran Torres. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs.

Corner from Xavi Hernández into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Robert Lewandowski looks up and launches a long pass towards Ferran Torres. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Overlap from Ferran Torres with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Ferran Torres tries to dribble past his marker but the ball escapes him. The defender pounces. Decisive glance from Andrés Iniesta who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception.

Pinpoint delivery from the association football referee towards Xavi Hernández, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Xavi Hernández tries a cross but it is repelled by a well-positioned defender. Nothing doing. The corner from Bobby Moore is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Roberto Carlos anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

That's a beauty from Javier Zanetti! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. SO CLOSE! Pavel Nedvěd sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

Lost it. Vozinha kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Roberto Carlos hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

Short corner from Pavel Nedvěd to Robert Lewandowski, they're looking for a better crossing angle. Perfect cut-back from Robert Lewandowski, Pavel Nedvěd receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. GOOOOOAL! Pavel Nedvěd is 4 yards from the empty net, he just has to brush the ball. EASY GOAL but well taken!

Pavel Nedvěd and Roberto Carlos do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Vozinha arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Free kick from Pavel Nedvěd delivered with pace, Roberto Carlos finds himself in space at the far post. Roberto Carlos wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Roberto Carlos heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Enormous clearance from Roberto Carlos inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Robert Lewandowski switches the play to Pavel Nedvěd on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Roberto Carlos pings a long diagonal to Javier Zanetti, completely shifts the point of attack. Right-footed cross from Javier Zanetti, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Bobby Moore. OHHH Vozinha pulls off an OUTRAGEOUS save! That shot was heading top bins but the keeper got across! Xavi Hernández meets the corner from Andrés Iniesta with a header, it drifts wide of the post.

High press all over the pitch, even the keeper is getting closed down. Ferran Torres wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. The wall is impenetrable! Ferran Torres's free kick is blocked straight away. Corner from Bobby Moore, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line!

The association football referee finds Robert Lewandowski along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Cut-back along the ground from Robert Lewandowski on the right, Roberto Carlos picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. Roberto Carlos blazes it into the stands when Andrés Iniesta had opened the door wide! Empty goal and he still finds a way to miss. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Robert Lewandowski has covered seven kilometres already." Vozinha shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Robert Lewandowski fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Dietitians have given up on Paolo Maldini, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 58 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Bobby Moore takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Instinctive clearance from Roberto Carlos who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Andrés Iniesta keeps it short to Pavel Nedvěd, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pavel Nedvěd gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Andrés Iniesta just needs to sidefoot it home. NOOOOO Andrés Iniesta! The whole stadium had screamed goal after the pass from Paolo Maldini, but he fires wide of the open net. Stunned silence.

Paolo Maldini senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Paolo Maldini keeps it short to Roberto Carlos, no frills, just good football intelligence. Smart pass from Roberto Carlos into the hole for Andrés Iniesta, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Andrés Iniesta sends in a curling delivery, Javier Zanetti peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Javier Zanetti is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Javier Zanetti was barely on his way up.

The association football referee wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. Koman Coulibaly eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Koman Coulibaly lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky.

Vozinha throws it out quickly to Bobby Moore, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Bobby Moore triggers a change of flanks for Paolo Maldini, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Paolo Maldini sets it for Robert Lewandowski, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Individual run from Ferran Torres, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Ferran Torres is CUT DOWN in the box by the defender! Penalty! The referee is sure of himself, he points to the spot. The moment is VITAL, nobody is breathing in the ground! Ferran Torres's penalty is saved! The goalkeeper dives magnificently and turns the ball away. Long ball from Vozinha for Paolo Maldini who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Final whistle! Robert Lewandowski bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. Bobby Moore is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein won't want to watch the highlights. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Javier Zanetti steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. What a LONG RANGE attempt from Javier Zanetti! The shot is hugely powerful, the keeper dives but it is too short. GOAL!

Interception from Roberto Carlos who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Roberto Carlos. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Andrés Iniesta! The keeper got demolished by a world class rocket!

Roberto Carlos mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Vozinha does the wave with contortionist grace. Vozinha solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Stunning tackle by Bobby Moore in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Lay-off from Roberto Carlos to Bobby Moore out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Bobby Moore drills a low ball back for Ferran Torres, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

It's in the back of the net! London Three-Pints celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Rehearsed move all week: Vozinha and Andrés Iniesta stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Vozinha plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Ferran Torres plays it in, Javier Zanetti lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Ferran Torres is off again. Magnificent. Ferran Torres puts Andrés Iniesta into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The assistant flags Andrés Iniesta offside, it's a matter of inches! Koman Coulibaly kicks the turf in frustration. Vozinha rolls it short to Ferran Torres into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. What a leap from Ferran Torres! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Paolo Maldini reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Vozinha cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Andrés Iniesta once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 42-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Koman Coulibaly is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Xavi Hernández nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Xavi Hernández lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Paolo Maldini down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Paolo Maldini tries to find Pavel Nedvěd but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Masterful reading from Roberto Carlos who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Roberto Carlos clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Textbook tackle from Roberto Carlos there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Roberto Carlos catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. Great vision from Roberto Carlos who finds Ferran Torres in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Vozinha rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Bobby Moore jumps on his back, Vozinha is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Bobby Moore reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Bobby Moore spots the run from Roberto Carlos and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Roberto Carlos is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Robert Lewandowski's pass was beautifully weighted too.

Vozinha rolls it short to Paolo Maldini into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Paolo Maldini keeps it short to Pavel Nedvěd, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pavel Nedvěd plays it simple to Robert Lewandowski, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Robert Lewandowski clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Free kick from Robert Lewandowski, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Roberto Carlos is onto it!

Dummy from Ferran Torres, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Blatant tug from Ferran Torres on the attacker's shirt, the ref saw everything. Ferran Torres picks up a yellow for a blatant tactical foul. He'll take that trade all day long. Ferran Torres combines with Bobby Moore from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

Massive clearance from Roberto Carlos, just get the ball as far away as possible. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Poor cross from the association football referee, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

Perfect parity. Vozinha slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Roberto Carlos watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.