My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Warren Zaïre-Emery charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Warren Zaïre-Emery enters the box, the defender clips him and brings him down. PENALTY! The referee is ADAMANT, he points to the spot. The stadium is on the edge of its seat for what comes next. Warren Zaïre-Emery sends the keeper the wrong way with STAGGERING ease! Penalty buried, GOOOAL!

Solidarity move: Warren Zaïre-Emery grabs Thibaut Courtois who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Thibaut Courtois a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One-two between Khvicha Kvaratskhelia and Nuno Mendes on the short corner, they go round the first defender. Good run from Nuno Mendes who crosses to the near post for Denzel Dumfries. The defender is beaten to it. The cross from Denzel Dumfries does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss.

What a tackle by Denzel Dumfries! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Sonic the Hedgehog hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Sonic the Hedgehog delivers from the byline, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia sends his cross sailing over everyone, Nuno Mendes cannot even get close to it.

Nuno Mendes finds Khvicha Kvaratskhelia in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. OH NO! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia thought he'd scored from Virgil van Dijk's through ball but the assistant has flagged for offside! Thibaut Courtois plays it along the ground to Warren Zaïre-Emery, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

The player lays it off first time to Denzel Dumfries, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Lovely use of the ball by Denzel Dumfries, finding Khvicha Kvaratskhelia in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Thibaut Courtois. And you, Micky van de Ven. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Now Denzel Dumfries has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 188, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Elliot Anderson is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Wing switch from Elliot Anderson, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Virgil van Dijk brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Masterful aerial duel from Virgil van Dijk, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Virgil van Dijk clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Magnificent leap from Sonic the Hedgehog who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Quicksilver gets across the near post first. What a situation from Quicksilver's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! The defender saves his team! Denzel Dumfries struck it well but the block is there.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Virgil van Dijk bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Virgil van Dijk tries a crossfield ball to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage.

The canadian football player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Billy Bob Hebert feeds Nuno Mendes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lightning overlap from Nuno Mendes, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Nuno Mendes crosses into thin air, nobody at the end of it. That is a waste of possession.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia throws himself into a tackle and just takes a chunk out of the turf. The attacker is long gone. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia walks. He was the last defender and deliberately impeded the attacker who was bearing down on goal.

Honours even. Nuno Mendes swaps shirts with one of the Paris Saint-Glinglin lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Quicksilver, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Enormous press from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. GOOOOAL from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! On the inswinging cross from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

The stadium erupts but WAIT! Warren Zaïre-Emery is flagged offside from Denzel Dumfries's ball. Goal chalked off! VAR has taken control of this match, everything frozen, pulses racing all around the ground. The assistant confirms the offside and VAR agrees — no goal for Sonic the Hedgehog! We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Sonic the Hedgehog clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Long ball from Virgil van Dijk to Denzel Dumfries, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Short build-up from Denzel Dumfries to Nuno Mendes, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Monster press from Nuno Mendes! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe.

Nuno Mendes hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The superhero plays it simple to Micky van de Ven, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Feint from Micky van de Ven, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. The superhero misplaces his pass to Nuno Mendes, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Masterful reading from Warren Zaïre-Emery who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Warren Zaïre-Emery goes crossfield to Nuno Mendes, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Sonic the Hedgehog. And you, Elliot Anderson. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Thibaut Courtois once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 34, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Back on the pitch and Virgil van Dijk is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

What a ball from Elliot Anderson! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is away on his own. That is velvet. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Virgil van Dijk launches it to Denzel Dumfries on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Long ball from Thibaut Courtois for Elliot Anderson who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Smooth transition from Elliot Anderson to Quicksilver, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Acceleration from Quicksilver down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Quicksilver lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Elliot Anderson arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario.

Monumental ball from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia to Billy Bob Hebert, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. The canadian football player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. The canadian football player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Oh what a challenge! Micky van de Ven goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Micky van de Ven lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Nuno Mendes down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Nuno Mendes is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Sonic the Hedgehog's pass deserved better than that.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Raw emotion: Thibaut Courtois cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Billy Bob Hebert crouches beside him and speaks softly. Thibaut Courtois jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Free kick from Billy Bob Hebert curled into the area, Micky van de Ven attacks it with a header. Thibaut Courtois bursts off his line and gathers the cross with both hands. Boss-level take, total command. Virgil van Dijk keeps it short to Billy Bob Hebert, no frills, just good football intelligence. Brilliant opening from Billy Bob Hebert for Micky van de Ven, frees up the entire left flank. Flag up! Micky van de Ven is offside by the thinnest of margins on Denzel Dumfries's pass. Gutting.

Level at the final whistle. Micky van de Ven and Virgil van Dijk walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia lobs it over the centre-backs, Warren Zaïre-Emery arrives at pace and finds himself clean through. Oh the FINISH! Warren Zaïre-Emery attempts the bicycle kick on the cross from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia and it goes IN! Perfect overhead kick, the ball nestles in the top corner! We have the goal of the SEASON right there!

Three-man routine: Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, Quicksilver and Thibaut Courtois do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Added time! Hearts are pounding, this match refuses to die. Virgil van Dijk lays it off first time to Denzel Dumfries, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ferocious press from Denzel Dumfries! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players.

Sonic the Hedgehog and Elliot Anderson find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Warren Zaïre-Emery. That is exactly why he is out there. Offside! Warren Zaïre-Emery was barely ahead of the last man, Nuno Mendes's ball was inch-perfect too! Short distribution from Thibaut Courtois to Elliot Anderson, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Elliot Anderson launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Elliot Anderson was flying.

Elliot Anderson anticipates the run from Quicksilver and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Billy Bob Hebert plays a brilliant ball, but Quicksilver is a foot offside. All for nothing. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Elliot Anderson plays it simple to Micky van de Ven, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Driven kick from Thibaut Courtois to Virgil van Dijk, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Virgil van Dijk cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Brilliant switch of play from Virgil van Dijk! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Billy Bob Hebert.

Micky van de Ven is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Micky van de Ven: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Sources confirm Elliot Anderson once spent four hours in Primark and came out wearing head-to-toe matching leopard print. At 179, the 24-year-old looked like a giraffe having an identity crisis. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Virgil van Dijk sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Free kick from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Micky van de Ven is onto it! Micky van de Ven tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. Elliot Anderson sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Massive diagonal from Virgil van Dijk! Warren Zaïre-Emery receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Nuno Mendes sets it for Quicksilver, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Quicksilver reads the movement from Nuno Mendes and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Nuno Mendes spreads it to Warren Zaïre-Emery, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Warren Zaïre-Emery slides it to Quicksilver, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Virgil van Dijk slides a beauty through the gap, Denzel Dumfries is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

Textbook one-two between Micky van de Ven and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. Micky van de Ven pulls it back along the ground for Warren Zaïre-Emery, that is the perfect cut-back! OHHH the save from Thibaut Courtois! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY. Thibaut Courtois finds Elliot Anderson with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Elliot Anderson wants to play it quick but the pass to Billy Bob Hebert is wayward, lacking any precision.

And it's in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Thibaut Courtois mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Elliot Anderson plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Thibaut Courtois plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Classy interception from Nuno Mendes, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Nuno Mendes sends an aerial beauty to Billy Bob Hebert, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Draw against Casablanca Dima-Maghrib. Denzel Dumfries kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Wicked through ball from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball skims the grass and finds Billy Bob Hebert who had set off before anyone else even noticed. GOOOOAL! Billy Bob Hebert places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Denzel Dumfries gets done for holding, clear as day, free kick. Yellow card. Denzel Dumfries has been fouling all half, the referee finally acts. Denzel Dumfries whips the free kick over the wall but it drifts wide of the post. Not the right angle.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Quicksilver comes steaming in. Quicksilver wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Oh dear, Dakar Teranga FC have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Thibaut Courtois unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Virgil van Dijk makes a heart sign with his hands. Thibaut Courtois finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Quicksilver tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Lay-off from Quicksilver to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia attempts a cross but it is badly weighted, the keeper claims with no pressure.

The gaffer pulls up Dakar Teranga FC's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Micky van de Ven, you have the pace. Thibaut Courtois, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Roommates on away trips confirm Thibaut Courtois sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 34, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' Out they come. Micky van de Ven has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Line-breaking pass from Denzel Dumfries! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Warren Zaïre-Emery picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Warren Zaïre-Emery absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition.

Micky van de Ven uses Nuno Mendes as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Powerful run from Micky van de Ven down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Micky van de Ven tries the dribble but it is far too predictable, the defender cuts it out easily. Textbook tackle from Elliot Anderson there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Elliot Anderson clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

The referee points to the SPOT! Sonic the Hedgehog has been brought down in the box by the defender. Huge decision, the TENSION is through the roof! Sonic the Hedgehog misses the penalty! The ball sails over the crossbar. He's absolutely crushed.

Thibaut Courtois smashes a volley towards Warren Zaïre-Emery, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Header lost by Warren Zaïre-Emery, the opponent took the elevator while Warren Zaïre-Emery stayed on the ground floor. DIIIIVING save from Thibaut Courtois! He flies to his right and tips it with one hand, GORGEOUS! Denzel Dumfries arrives at pace on the corner from Elliot Anderson, header at the near post but it is too wide.

Micky van de Ven climbs above everyone on the corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery but his header is too wide. Thibaut Courtois boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Virgil van Dijk! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Virgil van Dijk powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Virgil van Dijk reaches the byline and pulls it back for Billy Bob Hebert, the low ball fizzes through the area.

Thibaut Courtois sparks the transition with a quick throw to Nuno Mendes, the break is lightning fast. Nuno Mendes intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Quick one-two between Nuno Mendes and Sonic the Hedgehog, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Sonic the Hedgehog beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. Cross from the right by Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Denzel Dumfries at the back post.

Stalemate at home. Thibaut Courtois and Sonic the Hedgehog embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Incredible solo run from Sonic the Hedgehog, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. Sonic the Hedgehog takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Sonic the Hedgehog runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Micky van de Ven joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Warren Zaïre-Emery's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! GOOOAL from the superhero! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Micky van de Ven gifts Khvicha Kvaratskhelia a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Thibaut Courtois takes his time and plays it short to Sonic the Hedgehog. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The player finds Khvicha Kvaratskhelia along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Tremendous work from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal.

Magnificent tackle from Virgil van Dijk! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. The ball from Virgil van Dijk rips through the defensive curtain, Warren Zaïre-Emery is flying into the space like an arrow. Warren Zaïre-Emery has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has it running through his veins. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Warren Zaïre-Emery is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Sonic the Hedgehog, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." The 35-year-old Virgil van Dijk adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Virgil van Dijk trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Micky van de Ven leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Billy Bob Hebert opens up the space for Virgil van Dijk with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. What a gut punch! Virgil van Dijk scores from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia's cross but the assistant raises his flag. Offside. Thibaut Courtois fires it out quickly by hand to Denzel Dumfries, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Elliot Anderson's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Authoritative clearance from Nuno Mendes in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Denzel Dumfries jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Massive punt from Thibaut Courtois, sends the ball sixty yards, Warren Zaïre-Emery is scrapping for it up top. Warren Zaïre-Emery wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Warren Zaïre-Emery burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

Elliot Anderson delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Warren Zaïre-Emery is there to receive. What a leap from Warren Zaïre-Emery! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Oh no Warren Zaïre-Emery fluffs his header! The cross from Virgil van Dijk was inch-perfect but it goes over. Elliot Anderson heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Great vision from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia who switches to Quicksilver. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Denzel Dumfries sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Elliot Anderson is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Elliot Anderson flagged offside on the pass from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, but you'd need VAR to see that!

Brilliant! Sonic the Hedgehog goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Denzel Dumfries photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

3-2 (W)

Good ball from Elliot Anderson to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, playing it quick between the lines. High recovery from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. GOOOAL! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

GOAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Fantastic surging run from Quicksilver, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. GOOOAL from the superhero in genius mode! In that position, when you have that ability to make the difference all on your own, you win the impossible matches.

Solidarity move: Quicksilver grabs Thibaut Courtois who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Thibaut Courtois a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Nuno Mendes intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Elliot Anderson winds up and unleashes an APOCALYPTIC strike! The ball explodes in the goal, GOOOOOAL!

Nuno Mendes mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Thibaut Courtois plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

The corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Elliot Anderson charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Micky van de Ven is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Sonic the Hedgehog. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Nuno Mendes has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 24, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. That's a beauty from Nuno Mendes! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Killer ball from Nuno Mendes through the gap! Sonic the Hedgehog bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Sonic the Hedgehog rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Absolutely immense from Micky van de Ven! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Micky van de Ven opens up to Elliot Anderson on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Virgil van Dijk dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Virgil van Dijk pierces the backline with a low through ball, Quicksilver latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Marginal offside called on Quicksilver, Nuno Mendes's through ball cut the defence open perfectly.

Thibaut Courtois catapults the ball towards Micky van de Ven from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Micky van de Ven swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Denzel Dumfries, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Denzel Dumfries explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Shoulder charge from Denzel Dumfries on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. The free kick from Denzel Dumfries is played with a deft touch to Micky van de Ven, well-drilled combination.

GOAAAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Thibaut Courtois and Quicksilver do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Thibaut Courtois arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Elliot Anderson rolls it to Denzel Dumfries, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Denzel Dumfries shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Elliot Anderson. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Elliot Anderson is caught offside by millimetres on Khvicha Kvaratskhelia's through ball. Heartbreaking decision. Thibaut Courtois distributes by hand to Nuno Mendes on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Nuno Mendes cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action.

Thibaut Courtois lumps it long towards Virgil van Dijk, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Virgil van Dijk floats a ball towards Warren Zaïre-Emery but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Billy Bob Hebert boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

What a result against Lagos No-Carry-Last! Nuno Mendes walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Micky van de Ven follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-0 (W)

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has it in buckets. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Sonic the Hedgehog was THERE, as always! On the badly cleared ball, he prods it in and signs his trademark. GOAL!

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the medic running in. Thibaut Courtois plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. The superhero catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The superhero fires into the wall from the free kick! In that position, it's a CLASSIC, the wall wins sometimes, but persistence always pays off. What a scramble from Quicksilver's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears!

Beautiful distribution from Thibaut Courtois to Denzel Dumfries, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Rapid combination: Denzel Dumfries to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia drops a lofted ball to Micky van de Ven, it sails over the entire midfield line. Micky van de Ven hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Brilliant cut-back from Micky van de Ven along the grass for Virgil van Dijk. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Warren Zaïre-Emery sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Quicksilver pops up between two defenders. The superhero thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Quicksilver hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Warren Zaïre-Emery wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Quicksilver plays it into the channel for Sonic the Hedgehog, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Offside trap catches Sonic the Hedgehog out. Denzel Dumfries played it quickly but not quickly enough. Long kick from Thibaut Courtois, Quicksilver positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Quicksilver launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Elliot Anderson, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Warren Zaïre-Emery nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Elliot Anderson is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. A bitter feud erupted between Micky van de Ven and a neighbour over wheelie bin placement. At 25, the 193-tall footballer reportedly moved the green bin three inches to the left — the council got involved. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' Khvicha Kvaratskhelia leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Warren Zaïre-Emery flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Overlap from Elliot Anderson on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Elliot Anderson shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Quick throw from Thibaut Courtois to Warren Zaïre-Emery out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Warren Zaïre-Emery pings a long diagonal to Sonic the Hedgehog, completely shifts the point of attack. Bad pass from the player, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Elliot Anderson blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Elliot Anderson plays a low free kick into the box, Virgil van Dijk cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. WHAT A FINGERTIP SAVE from Thibaut Courtois! The ball was heading top bins, he flicked it away! Thibaut Courtois throws it out quickly to Elliot Anderson, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

They jump on every pass, the intensity is absolutely frightening. Decisive interception from Nuno Mendes who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Nuno Mendes saw it all. Nuno Mendes pings a ridiculous diagonal to Micky van de Ven. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Micky van de Ven with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Micky van de Ven drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Elliot Anderson slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Barranquilla Toque-Toque trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Billy Bob Hebert finds Khvicha Kvaratskhelia between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Elliot Anderson! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Billy Bob Hebert dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Virgil van Dijk can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Thibaut Courtois claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

They've scored! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Dead defender. Thibaut Courtois mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Elliot Anderson completes the choreography by collapsing. Thibaut Courtois arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Key pass from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! It fizzes between the lines and Denzel Dumfries collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Denzel Dumfries takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cross from Denzel Dumfries, he puts it on the far post for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. Corner from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears!

Corner from Elliot Anderson, Warren Zaïre-Emery throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. Tidy restart from Thibaut Courtois along the deck to Warren Zaïre-Emery, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Warren Zaïre-Emery sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Warren Zaïre-Emery crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Sonic the Hedgehog is there to meet it.

Inch-perfect tackle by Nuno Mendes, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Blistering solo run from Nuno Mendes, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. Nuno Mendes puts Warren Zaïre-Emery in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards.

Thibaut Courtois stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Elliot Anderson cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Here's one for the ages — Thibaut Courtois is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 200, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Denzel Dumfries does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Perfectly executed challenge by Denzel Dumfries, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go.

Warren Zaïre-Emery presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Strike from Warren Zaïre-Emery into deep space. You have to wonder if he was aiming at the right goal. Thibaut Courtois plays it short to Denzel Dumfries, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. That recovery run from Denzel Dumfries is worth a goal in itself. Without that effort, it's 1-0 right there. Thibaut Courtois flings himself at the feet and gathers! Brave goalkeeping, the keeper sacrificed everything to save his side. The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Thibaut Courtois catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. Thibaut Courtois sends an absolute rocket towards Billy Bob Hebert, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Short restart from Thibaut Courtois to Nuno Mendes, building from the back nice and tidy. Nuno Mendes intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

Honours even. Thibaut Courtois swaps shirts with one of the Montevideo Garra-Charrúa lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Nuno Mendes, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

3-2 (W)

Elliot Anderson refuses the direct delivery and plays short to Nuno Mendes, they're taking their time. Nuno Mendes squares it back for Virgil van Dijk, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. GOOOOOAL! Virgil van Dijk was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Elliot Anderson strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Thibaut Courtois points at it, jaw on the floor. Thibaut Courtois shakes his head, not believing it.

One touch football: Elliot Anderson to Quicksilver, faster than the opposition can think. Stunning one-two between Quicksilver and Billy Bob Hebert, the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer. The superhero dribbles past everyone and finishes! In that position, when you can do everything on your own like that, you are a pure GENIUS. GOAL!

Elliot Anderson finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Virgil van Dijk plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Magnificent shift from Virgil van Dijk! Micky van de Ven picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Micky van de Ven takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Virgil van Dijk mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Elliot Anderson does the wave with contortionist grace. Thibaut Courtois solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Warren Zaïre-Emery plays the simple ball to Denzel Dumfries, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Denzel Dumfries to Billy Bob Hebert, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Billy Bob Hebert bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Virgil van Dijk wins the aerial battle. Oh no Virgil van Dijk! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Nuno Mendes deserved better. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Denzel Dumfries. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Ball over the top from Denzel Dumfries, Billy Bob Hebert had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Thibaut Courtois hurls himself at the attacker and blocks. The ball is smothered, the keeper has won the duel. Monster clearance from Thibaut Courtois, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Elliot Anderson. With one swing of the boot, Elliot Anderson finds Denzel Dumfries on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Micky van de Ven is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Nuno Mendes and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. In a baffling move, Quicksilver adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 28, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' And we are back underway! Thibaut Courtois jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The superhero opens up to Virgil van Dijk on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Virgil van Dijk wins the header and flicks it on for Denzel Dumfries. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Virgil van Dijk slips Micky van de Ven in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Thibaut Courtois legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Virgil van Dijk tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Micky van de Ven boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

It was bound to happen. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and honestly, we deserved that.

Thibaut Courtois points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Micky van de Ven comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Thibaut Courtois rolls it short to Micky van de Ven into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Aerial duel won by Micky van de Ven, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Massive clearance from Micky van de Ven in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Sonic the Hedgehog takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Enormous clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Thibaut Courtois opts for the short option to Sonic the Hedgehog, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Attempted pass from Sonic the Hedgehog to Micky van de Ven, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. The press from Quicksilver pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Quicksilver pounces. A forced gift.

Interception from Virgil van Dijk who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Virgil van Dijk. Switch from Virgil van Dijk! The ball arcs over the midfield and Denzel Dumfries collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. It falls apart for Denzel Dumfries, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Warren Zaïre-Emery slides the ball into space for Quicksilver, he is away down the middle.

Full time, full joy! Billy Bob Hebert walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Thibaut Courtois carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are yesterday's news. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

Denzel Dumfries launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Raid from Denzel Dumfries starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Denzel Dumfries looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Denzel Dumfries rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Elliot Anderson jumps on his back, Thibaut Courtois is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Thibaut Courtois launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Khvicha Kvaratskhelia after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Yellow card for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the accumulation of fouls made this inevitable.

Thibaut Courtois hoofs it forward towards Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Sonic the Hedgehog. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Dominant header from Elliot Anderson on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Elliot Anderson picks out Micky van de Ven with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Rio Malandro FC score right on the stroke of half-time.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Thibaut Courtois is at the centre, lifted up by Quicksilver and Thibaut Courtois, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Rio Malandro FC's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Billy Bob Hebert dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! The canadian football player misses his penalty! In that position, the pressure of a penalty is the ultimate TEST, and he's cracked.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Thibaut Courtois takes the hit without responding. Elliot Anderson drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Leaked texts reveal Thibaut Courtois tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 34-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Micky van de Ven picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Nuno Mendes shifts it to Denzel Dumfries with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Denzel Dumfries sees what nobody else sees and puts Elliot Anderson through on goal with a genius through ball. The flag goes up for Elliot Anderson, offside by a toenail! Nuno Mendes can't believe it. Thibaut Courtois distributes short to Denzel Dumfries, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Denzel Dumfries sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Virgil van Dijk with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Virgil van Dijk drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

The player wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. Firm pass from Sonic the Hedgehog into Nuno Mendes, right into the boots. No waste. The overlap from Nuno Mendes, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Nuno Mendes tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw.

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Thibaut Courtois plays out from the back with Nuno Mendes, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Change of flanks from Nuno Mendes, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. Sharp turn from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance.

Thibaut Courtois goes long for Denzel Dumfries, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Denzel Dumfries crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Clearance from Denzel Dumfries under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Virgil van Dijk rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Virgil van Dijk boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Micky van de Ven with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Overlap from Warren Zaïre-Emery on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Loss against Rio Malandro FC and it stings. Thibaut Courtois still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Warren Zaïre-Emery follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

They've scored again! Istanbul Cehennem FK are running riot and we can't cope.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Thibaut Courtois, arms out like an aeroplane. Virgil van Dijk follows in like he's skiing. Thibaut Courtois arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

PENALTY awarded! Virgil van Dijk enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! CRACK! Virgil van Dijk takes the penalty and it strikes the upright. No goal, that's devastating. BOOOM the superhero prods it in at point-blank range! In that position, you live for those balls from 2 yards out, and he buries them. GOAL!

Nuno Mendes steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Nuno Mendes fires the ball over to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. Thibaut Courtois stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper.

Virgil van Dijk shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Virgil van Dijk triggers a change of flanks for Elliot Anderson, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

Thibaut Courtois fires it out quickly by hand to Billy Bob Hebert, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Billy Bob Hebert changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Nuno Mendes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Enormous leap from Nuno Mendes who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Billy Bob Hebert's eyes are bloodshot. Warren Zaïre-Emery looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that Micky van de Ven has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Sonic the Hedgehog does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Sideways ball from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia to Billy Bob Hebert, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Ground pass from Billy Bob Hebert into the free zone for Quicksilver, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. The flag is up! Quicksilver offside by a whisker on Sonic the Hedgehog's pass. That's cruel that is. VAR signal from the referee, he stops dead in the centre circle. What's he going to give? VAR has the final say and it's a no — Nuno Mendes's goal is wiped off!

The player embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. PENALTY for the player! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. CRACK! Sonic the Hedgehog's penalty smashes the post! The footballing gods are not on his side! Massive punt from Thibaut Courtois, sends the ball sixty yards, Denzel Dumfries is scrapping for it up top.

Disaster! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Massive punt from Thibaut Courtois, sends the ball sixty yards, Sonic the Hedgehog is scrapping for it up top. Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Sonic the Hedgehog delivers a tidy ball to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

Marseille turn from Billy Bob Hebert, he spins on the spot and leaves his man for dead. Pure class. Overlap from the canadian football player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Billy Bob Hebert drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Virgil van Dijk.

Monster clearance from Nuno Mendes! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Foul by Warren Zaïre-Emery, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Nuno Mendes goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Big clearance from Nuno Mendes under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Header lost for Billy Bob Hebert, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. Ball claimed in both hands by Thibaut Courtois in his box. Subtle gesture but ultra effective. Top top level. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Lost it. Billy Bob Hebert kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Denzel Dumfries hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Virgil van Dijk spots the run from Micky van de Ven and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! GOOOOAL for Micky van de Ven! He plays Quicksilver in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Step-overs from Billy Bob Hebert, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. Billy Bob Hebert takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. The cross from Billy Bob Hebert clears the box entirely and goes straight out. Frustrating.

Warren Zaïre-Emery tries a moment of genius and it comes off, the defender is nailed to the floor. Standing ovation. Warren Zaïre-Emery links up with Denzel Dumfries, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. WIIIIIDE! Denzel Dumfries put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. Short restart from Thibaut Courtois to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, building from the back nice and tidy.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Burst of pace from Quicksilver on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. The superhero wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. Quicksilver is sent off after a brutal scissor tackle. The medical team rush onto the pitch. Quicksilver gives it short to Micky van de Ven from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach.

They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia whips in a cross at head height, Billy Bob Hebert anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Billy Bob Hebert swings it in and it's BEDLAM in the box! The defense is clinging on for dear life! BLOCKED! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia hits it hard but the defender stands firm and deflects it for a corner.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Warren Zaïre-Emery, you have been outstanding. Thibaut Courtois, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Scouts initially spotted Elliot Anderson not on a pitch but in a Greggs queue, where the 24-year-old demonstrated elite spatial awareness and patience beyond his years. At 179, the lad dominated the sausage roll section. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' Back on the pitch and Thibaut Courtois is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Virgil van Dijk sends Khvicha Kvaratskhelia into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia jumps the gun on Quicksilver's through ball. Clear offside, good call. Thibaut Courtois lumps it long towards Quicksilver, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Quicksilver unleashes a raking ball out to Virgil van Dijk, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Nuno Mendes puts Sonic the Hedgehog into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. PERFECT rush out from Thibaut Courtois! He cut the angle, the attacker had nothing to aim at. Blocked! Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Micky van de Ven produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Micky van de Ven launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Short distribution from Thibaut Courtois to Elliot Anderson, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Quick exchange between Elliot Anderson and Denzel Dumfries, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Denzel Dumfries spots Billy Bob Hebert in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Quicksilver plays off Micky van de Ven, the return arrives right down the middle and Quicksilver is free as a bird. That's offside. Quicksilver was straining at the leash and went too early on Denzel Dumfries's ball. Driven kick from Thibaut Courtois to Warren Zaïre-Emery, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Warren Zaïre-Emery gives it to Sonic the Hedgehog into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Ball loss from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

Job done. Thibaut Courtois and Sonic the Hedgehog stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Milano Piano-Piano's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Warren Zaïre-Emery drops the ball in from the free kick, Virgil van Dijk arrives at the near post. OWN GOAL OWN GOAL OWN GOAL! Virgil van Dijk puts it in his own net, this is UNBELIEVABLE! The ball from Billy Bob Hebert comes across and Virgil van Dijk pokes it home trying to anticipate. Oh you IDIOT, this is TRAGIC!

Raw emotion: Warren Zaïre-Emery cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Virgil van Dijk crouches beside him and speaks softly. Thibaut Courtois jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Little shift from Nuno Mendes to Micky van de Ven, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. CRAAACKER from Micky van de Ven outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! Corner from Micky van de Ven, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Micky van de Ven turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Billy Bob Hebert. The defence did not even have time to blink. Billy Bob Hebert aims for Sonic the Hedgehog but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

Virgil van Dijk lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that.

The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. High recovery from Sonic the Hedgehog, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Brilliant pass from Sonic the Hedgehog! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Warren Zaïre-Emery is onto it. Effort from Warren Zaïre-Emery, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Virgil van Dijk stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Now Thibaut Courtois has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 34 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Quicksilver leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh that's terrible! Sevilla Olé-Olé score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Thibaut Courtois sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Sonic the Hedgehog snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Thibaut Courtois waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia puts it right into the feet of Warren Zaïre-Emery, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Low cut-back from Warren Zaïre-Emery, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Quicksilver. The superhero blazes it over with the goal wide open! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia had given him everything. In that position, a miss like that can cost you the match and your confidence. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Brilliant interception from Denzel Dumfries, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Crossfield pass from Denzel Dumfries to Billy Bob Hebert, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Billy Bob Hebert crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is in the right place.

Nuno Mendes throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Billy Bob Hebert wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. Short free kick, Billy Bob Hebert gives it to Denzel Dumfries who finds himself with space to work with. Denzel Dumfries lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Wasted cross from the canadian football player, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. Thibaut Courtois comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Sideways ball from Elliot Anderson to Micky van de Ven, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Intense pressing from Sonic the Hedgehog, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Short pass from the player to Denzel Dumfries, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Draw against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Micky van de Ven kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Virgil van Dijk does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

Decisive glance from Virgil van Dijk who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. OHHH Khvicha Kvaratskhelia sniffed it out! On the keeper's parry, he pokes it in with a perfect opportunist's finish!

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia finds the gap and serves Micky van de Ven in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Poacher's goal from Micky van de Ven! The keeper spilled it and Micky van de Ven prods the ball into the net.

Billy Bob Hebert tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try. MASTERFUL fingertip save from Thibaut Courtois! He pushes the strike over the crossbar. Pure art. The corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery lands on the head of Virgil van Dijk but the ball flies over. He had to do better.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Foul by Micky van de Ven on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Micky van de Ven does not fancy the shot and goes short to Billy Bob Hebert, trying to disorganise the defence. Nutmeg from the canadian football player on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Billy Bob Hebert strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

Micky van de Ven rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Virgil van Dijk glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." A teammate has confirmed that Thibaut Courtois watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 34 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Sonic the Hedgehog wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Micky van de Ven shifts it to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia threads a ball into the void for Billy Bob Hebert, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Overlap on the left from Billy Bob Hebert, floated cross towards Quicksilver who rises highest at the far post. Oh my word, the scramble from Quicksilver's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth!

Elliot Anderson and Quicksilver combine on the corner, neat little one-two at the flag. Smooth transition from Quicksilver to Micky van de Ven, no delay, the game keeps flowing. What a STRIIIIKE from Micky van de Ven! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

Nuno Mendes with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Quicksilver picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Good cross from the superhero for Nuno Mendes in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Poor cross from Nuno Mendes, the ball sails three yards over the head of Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. Wasteful.

Panicked clearance from Denzel Dumfries, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Virgil van Dijk rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Elliot Anderson. The far side is completely deserted. Aerial duel won by Elliot Anderson, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Good ball from Micky van de Ven to Denzel Dumfries, playing it quick between the lines. Denzel Dumfries brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The ref shows Denzel Dumfries yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Massive clearance from Micky van de Ven, just get the ball as far away as possible. The superhero is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Quicksilver heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Warren Zaïre-Emery clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Draw against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Thibaut Courtois does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

It's a penalty! Micky van de Ven shoots and the ball deflects off a defender's arm. Harsh maybe, but the arm was up. GOOOAL! Quicksilver produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Knee slide from Micky van de Ven right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Elliot Anderson does the same down the line. Thibaut Courtois turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

It's a total siege, forwards throwing themselves at every cross. Sonic the Hedgehog stretches in the air and powers the header of the match! On the cross from Quicksilver, it is in the top corner. GOAL!

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Elliot Anderson spreads the play and finds Nuno Mendes in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Incredible burst of pace from Nuno Mendes, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Micky van de Ven to Nuno Mendes, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Rapid combination: Nuno Mendes to Micky van de Ven, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Foul by Micky van de Ven in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Short free kick from Micky van de Ven, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia receives in space and can play on.

They've done it! London Three-Pints find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Thibaut Courtois's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Thibaut Courtois takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Word from the training ground is that Warren Zaïre-Emery brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 178 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8383 and answer this question: 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Nuno Mendes picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Quick combination between Elliot Anderson and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. Sublime through ball from Elliot Anderson for Denzel Dumfries who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Denzel Dumfries is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Nuno Mendes's pass was beautifully weighted too. Long kick from Thibaut Courtois, Elliot Anderson positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Elliot Anderson springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

And there it is, London Three-Pints score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Thibaut Courtois mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Micky van de Ven plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Thibaut Courtois plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Warren Zaïre-Emery pulls off a rainbow flick over the defender, that is freestyle football in a competitive match. Warren Zaïre-Emery bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Looping cross from Warren Zaïre-Emery, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Sonic the Hedgehog. Danger.

It's a goal for London Three-Pints! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Thibaut Courtois spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Denzel Dumfries gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

One touch football: Quicksilver to Micky van de Ven, faster than the opposition can think. Micky van de Ven curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save! The corner from Micky van de Ven is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger.

Sonic the Hedgehog looks up and launches a long pass towards Elliot Anderson. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Elliot Anderson sends in a curling delivery, Nuno Mendes peels off the back of his marker and finds space. What a SAAAAAVE from Thibaut Courtois! The striker thought he had scored but NO! The keeper had other ideas! Sonic the Hedgehog gets up well on the corner from Elliot Anderson but his header is too high. Cannot find the frame.

Long ball from Thibaut Courtois for Nuno Mendes who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Dreadful pass from Nuno Mendes, lands three yards away from the target. Sonic the Hedgehog can do nothing with that. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. The timing is everything: Sonic the Hedgehog releases the ball at the perfect moment and Elliot Anderson explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Delicious through ball from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Billy Bob Hebert is there to gobble it up. Billy Bob Hebert hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now! Corner from Billy Bob Hebert, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post.

It's done. London Three-Pints win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Nuno Mendes and Quicksilver walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?'. The answer was of course fourteen, or twenty-seven if someone says 'right then' before standing up. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.