My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. The christian minister devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. Gordon Ramsay sends a LOB over the keeper and it is GOAL! The finish is of GENIUS simplicity, just a little touch and the ball does the rest. INFINITE class!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Gordon Ramsay ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. LeBron James leaps over him. Isaac Newton walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Isaac Newton boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Gordon Ramsay! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Gordon Ramsay loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do. FELINE dive from Isaac Newton! He flies and gathers the ball, perfect. What a master. Lovely corner from the business oligarch but the header ends up wide. In that position, when you put the ball in the right area and it does not go in, the finishers need to look at themselves.

Gordon Ramsay puts the corner in, MELEE in the six-yard box! The ball bounces around, defense clears eventually! Jeffrey Dawson clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Aerial duel lost by John Brown, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. What a ball from John Brown! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Jeff Bezos is away on his own. That is velvet. Massive hit from Jeff Bezos, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop. The business oligarch puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

Gordon Ramsay stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Paris Saint-Glinglin. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Isaac Newton cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Michael Jordan's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 63-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Kick-off! Gordon Ramsay wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Short build-up from Taylor Swift to John Brown, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Taylor Swift lays it off first time to Jeff Bezos, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Jeff Bezos bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Oh no, it's in! Paris Saint-Glinglin punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Raw emotion: Isaac Newton cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Usain Bolt crouches beside him and speaks softly. Isaac Newton jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Isaac Newton plays out from the back with LeBron James, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. LeBron James switches the play to Jeffrey Dawson on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Jeffrey Dawson powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Shoulder charge from Jeffrey Dawson on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Jeffrey Dawson rolls the free kick along the ground to Gordon Ramsay, it is the short routine.

Solo charge from Jeff Bezos, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. Jeff Bezos frees up the entire channel for Jeffrey Dawson with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Flag up! Jeffrey Dawson is offside by the thinnest of margins on Gordon Ramsay's pass. Gutting. Isaac Newton hoofs it forward towards Gordon Ramsay, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

The chef puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. LeBron James crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Smooth transition from LeBron James to Jeffrey Dawson, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Jeffrey Dawson wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Draw against Paris Saint-Glinglin. John Brown kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Usain Bolt does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-3 (L)

The philanthropist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. BOOOM the chef pops up and prods it in! In that position, that nose for goal cannot be taught, it is in the genes. GOAL!

Taylor Swift fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Gordon Ramsay plays the medic running in. Isaac Newton plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Huge whiff from John Brown! Goes to ground and the attacker just walks around him. Embarrassing. Jeffrey Dawson bursts into the box and is SCYTHED down by the defender! Penalty! The referee is categorical. The whole bench is on its FEET, the atmosphere is ELECTRIC! GOOOAL from the microbiologist on the penalty! In that position, converting a penalty with that composure is the mark of a LEADER.

John Brown runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Jeff Bezos gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

They've scored! México No-Era-Penal find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. Good run from Jeff Bezos who crosses to the near post for Taylor Swift. The defender is beaten to it. What a situation from Taylor Swift's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! BLOCKED! Usain Bolt strikes but the defender sticks a foot out and deflects it. What a sacrifice.

Oh no, México No-Era-Penal score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Isaac Newton is at the centre, lifted up by Gordon Ramsay and Isaac Newton, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. México No-Era-Penal's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Taylor Swift punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." A gorgeous bit of intel — Jeffrey Dawson once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 28, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show The National Lottery of Mild Disappointment! To win a scratch card and a biro, text 0800LUCK and answer: 'What does a British person do when they win two pounds on a scratch card?' Jeffrey Dawson spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

LeBron James throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. LeBron James finds Jeffrey Dawson between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Jeffrey Dawson pings a ridiculous diagonal to Gordon Ramsay. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Firm pass from Gordon Ramsay into Jeff Bezos, right into the boots. No waste.

It's there! México No-Era-Penal tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

John Brown finds the gap and serves Jeffrey Dawson in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Offside by a toenail for the microbiologist, Jeff Bezos can't believe the flag went up. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Gordon Ramsay sets it for Usain Bolt, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Beautiful distribution from Isaac Newton to John Brown, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. John Brown swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Jeff Bezos, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The business oligarch reads the movement before anyone else and puts LeBron James into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Low cut-back from the basketball player for Jeffrey Dawson. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Crucial intervention from the microbiologist, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Little shift from Jeff Bezos to John Brown, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Low cut-back from John Brown, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Jeffrey Dawson. The polymath pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

Monumental ball from Elizabeth II to Michael Jordan, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Michael Jordan wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Michael Jordan clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Elizabeth II wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Huge tackle from Taylor Swift! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Clean lay-off from the chef to LeBron James into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. LeBron James plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Usain Bolt in the six-yard box. That is pure silk.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Gordon Ramsay puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. The chef rolls it back along the ground for Usain Bolt. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. OH WHAT A HOWLER from Usain Bolt! Jeff Bezos serves it on a silver platter and he sends it over the bar!

Defeat. Gordon Ramsay sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Jeff Bezos comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Maureen from Scunthorpe says you buy another scratch card immediately because hope springs eternal. Scratch card and biro for Maureen! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Gordon Ramsay swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Key pass from Gordon Ramsay! It fizzes between the lines and Taylor Swift collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. BOOOM the philanthropist rocks the net! In that position, when you draw a strike like that, the whole stadium is on its feet. GOAL!

Gordon Ramsay unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. John Brown makes a heart sign with his hands. Isaac Newton finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Usain Bolt unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from John Brown! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Usain Bolt eyeballs the Casablanca Dima-Maghrib bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jeffrey Dawson pulls Usain Bolt away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. Oh what a challenge! Michael Jordan goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Delicious through ball from Michael Jordan, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Elizabeth II is there to gobble it up. LOOONG range effort from Elizabeth II! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner. The corner from Elizabeth II is headed away by the defence at the near post.

Almighty boot from LeBron James who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Wasted cross from the chef, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses.

Quick throw from Isaac Newton to Jeff Bezos out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. The business oligarch finds Michael Jordan along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Michael Jordan overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Lob from the entrepreneur over the defensive block for Gordon Ramsay. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision. Header from Gordon Ramsay on the perfect cross from Jeff Bezos, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

The gaffer pulls up Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Gordon Ramsay, you have the pace. Jeffrey Dawson, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Brilliant little nugget — Michael Jordan has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 198, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' Here come the lads. Taylor Swift jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

GOAAAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Isaac Newton sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Taylor Swift snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Isaac Newton waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Taylor Swift delivers a tidy ball to Elizabeth II, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Dribble from Elizabeth II in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Elizabeth II attempts a feint but the defender does not bite. Clean ball loss. Lovely anticipation from the basketball player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. LeBron James heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

The business oligarch plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Shot from the entrepreneur, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Ball into space from the christian minister for Taylor Swift, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Isaac Newton finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Elizabeth II plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Powerful run from Jeff Bezos down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Lay-off from the business oligarch for Elizabeth II on the penalty spot. That kind of game reading separates the good from the great. The monarch unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Gordon Ramsay barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. The ref shows yellow to Gordon Ramsay. Can't keep haranguing the officials like that. Gordon Ramsay shapes to shoot but plays it short to Jeffrey Dawson, the defence is caught flat-footed. Jeffrey Dawson tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

Short free kick from the abolitionist, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. The christian minister winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. What a horror show from John Brown! The ball flies into the scenery, the fans are gently taking the mick.

Level. Taylor Swift picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Gordon Ramsay waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

What a mess! Dakar Teranga FC capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Isaac Newton dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Taylor Swift can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Isaac Newton claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Decisive interception from the entrepreneur, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. GOOOAL from the microbiologist! Undefendable rocket, the keeper was a spectator. In that position, that kind of strike makes you look like a monster.

Knee slide from Michael Jordan right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Taylor Swift does the same down the line. Isaac Newton turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

And there it is, Dakar Teranga FC score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Isaac Newton sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Taylor Swift snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Isaac Newton waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Isaac Newton throws it out quickly to Usain Bolt, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Header lost by Usain Bolt, the opponent took the elevator while Usain Bolt stayed on the ground floor. What a LEAP from Gordon Ramsay! He climbs higher than anyone on the delivery from John Brown and scores with his head. GOAL!

Isaac Newton runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Michael Jordan gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

They press the keeper, he launches one up the pitch into nothing. Michael Jordan reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Michael Jordan was quicker. Raking ball from the entrepreneur to John Brown, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Overlap on the left from John Brown, floated cross towards Usain Bolt who rises highest at the far post.

Elizabeth II is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Elizabeth II: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A little fun fact for you — Jeffrey Dawson, all 180 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' Elizabeth II spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

The attacker is scythed down by LeBron James. A wild, reckless challenge that could end a career. VAR intervention! The referee listens intently to his earpiece, still no decision. After a lengthy wait, VAR cancels the penalty on LeBron James! We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. The business oligarch switches the play to Usain Bolt, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Usain Bolt wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Usain Bolt keeps it short to Jeff Bezos, no frills, just good football intelligence.

The philanthropist produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Taylor Swift gives it to LeBron James into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. LeBron James sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. LeBron James plays it simple to Michael Jordan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Blistering run from Jeffrey Dawson on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Jeffrey Dawson crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Usain Bolt is in the right place. Usain Bolt tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender. Massive clearance from the philanthropist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

The microbiologist starts a one-two with Michael Jordan, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. The microbiologist pulls it back along the ground for Gordon Ramsay. The low cut-back is his trademark. Lay-off from Gordon Ramsay to Gordon Ramsay, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Gordon Ramsay tries the one-two with Jeff Bezos and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Gordon Ramsay wins the battle without even touching the opponent. Low cut-back from Gordon Ramsay, Michael Jordan arrives at pace and can hit it first time.

Gordon Ramsay links up with Usain Bolt, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Strike from Usain Bolt that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Jeff Bezos launches it to Gordon Ramsay on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Superb diagonal from the philanthropist to Gordon Ramsay, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The christian minister gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. What a tackle by Michael Jordan! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. With one swing of the boot, Michael Jordan finds Usain Bolt on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Cross from Usain Bolt, he puts it on the far post for Gordon Ramsay.

A draw — that grey zone. Isaac Newton signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Michael Jordan adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Taylor Swift and Elizabeth II find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open. GOOOOOOAL! Taylor Swift meets the pass from Jeff Bezos and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Isaac Newton sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Taylor Swift, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Massive clearance from Elizabeth II in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Isaac Newton plays it short to John Brown, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The abolitionist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Jeff Bezos. Pure quality, as per usual. Jeff Bezos rolls it to Taylor Swift, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Audacious piece of skill from John Brown, he flicks it over his marker with his heel. Magnificent. John Brown hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Inch-perfect cross from John Brown, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Taylor Swift at the back post. Header from the philanthropist, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. The polymath throws it out to Jeff Bezos, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Isaac Newton smashes a volley towards Elizabeth II, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The monarch lays it off first time to Usain Bolt, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Usain Bolt to Elizabeth II, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Long ball from Elizabeth II to Jeffrey Dawson, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Usain Bolt tries a sombrero and it comes off, the defender is made to look foolish in front of everyone. The overlap from Usain Bolt, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Usain Bolt sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

Tactical debate in the corner. Isaac Newton wants to push higher. Elizabeth II reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Elizabeth II, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Now here's a proper one — Taylor Swift was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' Out they come. Isaac Newton has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Ferocious press from Usain Bolt! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. OHHH Usain Bolt strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. The entrepreneur finds Elizabeth II in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Elizabeth II squares it back for Jeffrey Dawson, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Usain Bolt lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Gordon Ramsay goes crossfield to Taylor Swift, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. The philanthropist shifts Gordon Ramsay into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

Jeff Bezos picks out Usain Bolt with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Burst of pace from Usain Bolt on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Cross from Usain Bolt off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Gordon Ramsay at the far side. Lovely take from Isaac Newton! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle.

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Isaac Newton is at the centre, lifted up by John Brown and Isaac Newton, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Douala Makossa-Corner's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

The polymath goes long for Jeffrey Dawson, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Jeffrey Dawson hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

LeBron James pings a long diagonal to Michael Jordan, completely shifts the point of attack. The opponent gets the better of Michael Jordan in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Instinctive clearance from Jeff Bezos who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Gordon Ramsay slips John Brown in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Honours even. Gordon Ramsay swaps shirts with one of the Douala Makossa-Corner lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Elizabeth II, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-3 (L)

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. The philanthropist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Jeff Bezos. That is exactly why he is out there. Jeff Bezos dinks the ball with the toe of his boot, it sails over the keeper and drops in! GOOOAL! The CLASSIEST finish of the match, that is pure caviar!

Gordon Ramsay plays it in, Gordon Ramsay lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Gordon Ramsay is off again. Magnificent. GOOOOOAL signed by the chef! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Unbelievable! Lagos No-Carry-Last score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Gordon Ramsay plays the free kick back to Michael Jordan, they are looking for the shooting angle. Michael Jordan unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. The christian minister shoots and it's nowhere near. In that position, the willingness to shoot is good, but the keeper didn't even need to move.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Isaac Newton spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Jeffrey Dawson gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The gaffer points at LeBron James: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." LeBron James clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. The 63-year-old Michael Jordan adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Michael Jordan trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. LeBron James does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Change of flanks from Taylor Swift, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Gordon Ramsay. Aerial duel lost by Gordon Ramsay, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. LeBron James absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

The business oligarch opens up to Jeffrey Dawson on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Enormous leap from the microbiologist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. The abolitionist has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

One touch football: Usain Bolt to Gordon Ramsay, faster than the opposition can think. Through ball from the christian minister for Jeff Bezos, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Devastating burst of pace from Jeff Bezos, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

GOAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Isaac Newton runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Taylor Swift gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

John Brown bounces it off Gordon Ramsay for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality. John Brown picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Neat lay-off from John Brown for Gordon Ramsay in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle.

On the corner from John Brown, Gordon Ramsay heads it at the back post but it is too high. Missed the target. The basketball player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Elizabeth II launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Jeff Bezos, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

High recovery from Gordon Ramsay who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Gordon Ramsay shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. WIIIIIDE! Gordon Ramsay put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Isaac Newton catapults the ball towards Gordon Ramsay from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Rapid combination: Gordon Ramsay to Michael Jordan, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Quick one-two between Michael Jordan and Gordon Ramsay, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The christian minister roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Pinpoint delivery from the christian minister towards Gordon Ramsay, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Gutting. Isaac Newton throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Jeff Bezos picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-0 (W)

The basketball player fires in a shot and wins a penalty for handball! In that position, that ability to create set-piece situations is what makes you INVALUABLE. The chef converts with class! In that position, not flinching on a penalty is what separates the good players from the DECISIVE ones. GOAL!

Rehearsed move all week: LeBron James and Jeff Bezos stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Isaac Newton plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Elizabeth II bounces off LeBron James, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. Cut-back along the turf from the monarch for Michael Jordan. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Michael Jordan feeds Taylor Swift in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Taylor Swift plays the give-and-go with Gordon Ramsay, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Taylor Swift finds Elizabeth II with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Quick exchange between Gordon Ramsay and Michael Jordan, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Step-overs from Michael Jordan, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Michael Jordan fires a low ball back across the box for Gordon Ramsay, the defence is caught wrong-footed. The christian minister plays it simple to Jeff Bezos, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Burst of speed from the abolitionist down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Ball loss from the abolitionist on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

LeBron James plays the simple ball to Gordon Ramsay, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Nutmeg from the christian minister on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Good ball from the christian minister to Taylor Swift, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The philanthropist slides a perfect cut-back for Gordon Ramsay in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. The reflexes from Isaac Newton are STAGGERING! The opposition smashed it and the keeper caught the lot. Not human.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Isaac Newton is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Gordon Ramsay is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. We can exclusively reveal that Taylor Swift, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' And we are back underway! Isaac Newton jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Jeff Bezos unleashes a raking ball out to Gordon Ramsay, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Sharp cut inside from Gordon Ramsay, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

Enormous anticipation from Elizabeth II who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. The chef accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Gordon Ramsay tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Crunching tackle by LeBron James on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Usain Bolt accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Floated cross from Usain Bolt off the right, Jeffrey Dawson has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Jeffrey Dawson crosses into thin air, nobody at the end of it. That is a waste of possession.

Michael Jordan lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Jeffrey Dawson puts the ball right into the path of Gordon Ramsay, played to the inch, the space is found. Gordon Ramsay floats a ball towards Taylor Swift but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

Nice combination started by the business oligarch from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Gordon Ramsay has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Shot from the business oligarch into the clouds! In that role, can't fault him for trying but the ball's gone on holiday.

Superb! Jeffrey Dawson jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. John Brown waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Jeffrey Dawson nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

And that's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Isaac Newton ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. John Brown leaps over him. Isaac Newton walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Usain Bolt to Jeffrey Dawson, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. The microbiologist bends the ball into the box for Michael Jordan. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. OWN GOAL! Michael Jordan deflects the shot from Gordon Ramsay in the most IMPROBABLE way! The ball arcs through the air and nestles in the top corner of his own goal. This is CRUEL, this is UNFAIR, this is FOOTBALL.

Usain Bolt spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Gordon Ramsay gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Michael Jordan puts it right into the feet of John Brown, one touch and away. Silky stuff. John Brown bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Curled effort from John Brown on the pass from Jeff Bezos, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Michael Jordan spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Jeff Bezos gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

John Brown pulls out an elastico from nowhere, the defender is bamboozled. That is showtime. Big strike from the abolitionist, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

The philanthropist slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Taylor Swift embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Jeffrey Dawson, lift your head up. Gordon Ramsay, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." The 226-year-old John Brown has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 180, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' Out they come. Jeff Bezos has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Incredible solo run from Gordon Ramsay, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. PENALTY awarded! Gordon Ramsay enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! POST! Gordon Ramsay sees his penalty come back off the right upright. Bad luck is relentless. Short restart from Isaac Newton to Jeffrey Dawson, building from the back nice and tidy.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. The polymath sticks out a foot from nowhere and pushes it away! In that position, when you have that composure, you are a true number one. Clearance from the polymath towards Gordon Ramsay, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Isaac Newton. Gordon Ramsay is on his knees clapping, Isaac Newton is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Crossfield pass from Jeff Bezos to Michael Jordan, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Michael Jordan is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Usain Bolt boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Elizabeth II slides it to Taylor Swift, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

It was bound to happen. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and honestly, we deserved that.

Isaac Newton runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Usain Bolt joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Short pass from the abolitionist to Michael Jordan, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Michael Jordan reaches the byline and cuts it back for Gordon Ramsay arriving from the second wave. Gordon Ramsay attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly. Driven kick from Isaac Newton to Usain Bolt, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Jeff Bezos sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Raking ball from the entrepreneur to Jeffrey Dawson, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Enormous leap from Jeffrey Dawson who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. The microbiologist plays it simple to John Brown, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Rapid combination John Brown-Gordon Ramsay, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. The chef makes the upright tremble with a massive hit. In that position, one centimetre from a masterpiece, the next one's going in. Isaac Newton goes long for Jeff Bezos, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Elizabeth II goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. John Brown takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

They've nicked a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío catch us cold on the break.

Isaac Newton mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Gordon Ramsay plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Isaac Newton plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

LeBron James with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. The abolitionist sends a cannonball on the pass from Gordon Ramsay, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

The chef shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Taylor Swift. Pure quality, as per usual. Great overlap from Taylor Swift down the flank, pinpoint cross for Usain Bolt in the area. This is the moment. Usain Bolt sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Taylor Swift drops a lofted ball to John Brown, it sails over the entire midfield line.

The basketball player absolutely clatters the attacker with a wild lunge. That kind of recklessness has no place in that position. Unbelievable scenes! LeBron James has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Dangerous delivery from the basketball player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. The christian minister wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Short distribution from Isaac Newton to Jeffrey Dawson, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Jeffrey Dawson is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Jeffrey Dawson was barely on his way up. Isaac Newton comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Lovely use of the ball by Michael Jordan, finding Taylor Swift in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Usain Bolt stares at the carnage. Gordon Ramsay swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Nutritionists are baffled by Isaac Newton's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Taylor Swift takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Michael Jordan anticipates the run from Jeffrey Dawson and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection.

Gordon Ramsay plays the free kick as a cross, Elizabeth II finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Elizabeth II tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away.

The basketball player opens up to Michael Jordan on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Michael Jordan rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Jeffrey Dawson has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

Header missed from the corner by the chef! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Isaac Newton plays it along the ground to John Brown, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Superb leap from John Brown who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score right on the stroke of half-time.

Jeff Bezos plays the free kick into the danger zone, Usain Bolt arrives at the penalty spot. Isaac Newton catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. The abolitionist lays it off first time to Taylor Swift, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The philanthropist reads the movement before anyone else and puts Jeffrey Dawson into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. The microbiologist strays just offside on Gordon Ramsay's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

Textbook tackle from Elizabeth II there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff.

Painful afternoon. Taylor Swift and Gordon Ramsay walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Isaac Newton opts for the short option to Taylor Swift, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Taylor Swift shifts it to Gordon Ramsay with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. GOOOOAL from Gordon Ramsay! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Isaac Newton. LeBron James is on his knees clapping, Isaac Newton is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Shifting pass from Taylor Swift to LeBron James, the ball drifts into the free zone and LeBron James is onto it in two strides. LeBron James takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Taylor Swift spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Elizabeth II gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Michael Jordan scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Short restart from the polymath to Gordon Ramsay, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Magnificent leap from Gordon Ramsay who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Gordon Ramsay throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Absolutely dreadful! Rio Malandro FC score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Isaac Newton mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Michael Jordan does the wave with contortionist grace. Isaac Newton solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Decisive glance from Taylor Swift who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Sideways ball from Taylor Swift to Usain Bolt, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Brilliant opening from Usain Bolt for John Brown, frees up the entire left flank. Cross from the right by John Brown, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Elizabeth II at the back post. Elizabeth II jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, LeBron James, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." LeBron James takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Back on the estate, Jeffrey Dawson is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 28 and standing 180, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' And they are off! Jeffrey Dawson touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

It's hit the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC lead and we look completely lost.

Isaac Newton runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Taylor Swift gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Elizabeth II. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Elizabeth II triggers a change of flanks for John Brown, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Taylor Swift looks up and launches a long pass towards Gordon Ramsay. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Aerial duel won by the christian minister, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Gordon Ramsay launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Usain Bolt is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day.

Taylor Swift tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. FOOT save from Isaac Newton! The attacker was tapping in but the keeper got the boot in there! Isaac Newton distributes short to Elizabeth II, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The referee's whistle goes against LeBron James, caught the opponent late. Booking for LeBron James. The referee warned, then warned again, now it's a card. Free kick from LeBron James but the wall holds firm. No danger for the keeper. Isaac Newton rolls it short to Michael Jordan into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Michael Jordan pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Michael Jordan tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The microbiologist totally botches the corner. In that position, you're supposed to master these situations, it's the basics.

Mad pressing, the strikers chase defenders like wolves. High recovery from Usain Bolt, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Good ball from Usain Bolt to John Brown, playing it quick between the lines.

Perfect parity. Gordon Ramsay slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Taylor Swift watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

Jeff Bezos presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. The business oligarch prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

Jeff Bezos rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. LeBron James jumps on his back, Isaac Newton is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

The business oligarch lays it off first time to Taylor Swift, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. SHOOOOT from Taylor Swift... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Taylor Swift spots Michael Jordan in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Free kick played short by the christian minister! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Oh my word LeBron James fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Wasted cross from Gordon Ramsay, the keeper collects easily in his six-yard box. No danger whatsoever.

The polymath finds Jeffrey Dawson with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Jeffrey Dawson spreads it to Usain Bolt, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Usain Bolt to Gordon Ramsay, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Superb diagonal from the christian minister to John Brown, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Brilliant tackle from Elizabeth II! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. The monarch shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to John Brown. Pure quality, as per usual. Good cross from the abolitionist for Gordon Ramsay in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Dangerous corner from the chef, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. Michael Jordan winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Taylor Swift is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to LeBron James. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." We're hearing that LeBron James spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 42, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' The second period begins and Taylor Swift launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Short pass from the microbiologist to Taylor Swift, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Taylor Swift beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Good ball from Taylor Swift to Gordon Ramsay, playing it quick between the lines. Gordon Ramsay goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Michael Jordan is unmarked at the far post. The polymath produces a monster save! In that position, a save like that is worth a goal. He is the last line and he has held firm.

Tidy restart from Isaac Newton along the deck to John Brown, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. John Brown delivers a tidy ball to Usain Bolt, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Gordon Ramsay plays a low free kick into the box, Jeff Bezos cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Corner from Jeff Bezos and it's pure MAYHEM in the six-yard box! The defense just about survives! Deflected shot from the philanthropist, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. John Brown boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Free kick crossed in by the christian minister into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Usain Bolt heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

That is a statement result! Jeff Bezos stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. LeBron James joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Istanbul Cehennem FK won't forget this one. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. GOOOOOAL for Gordon Ramsay! On the genius pass from Usain Bolt, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Gordon Ramsay runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Jeff Bezos joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

What a disaster! Milano Piano-Piano score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Isaac Newton legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. LeBron James tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Short build-up from Taylor Swift to Gordon Ramsay, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Quick dribble from Gordon Ramsay, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Gordon Ramsay goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner. Corner from Gordon Ramsay, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Enormous clearance from Michael Jordan inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Three-man routine: Isaac Newton, Jeff Bezos and Isaac Newton do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Jeff Bezos rolls it to Usain Bolt, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Usain Bolt shifts it wide to Jeffrey Dawson on the right, lovely ball into the space. The microbiologist rolls it back along the ground for Taylor Swift. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

Gordon Ramsay cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Now Elizabeth II — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 180, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' And the second half is go! Elizabeth II charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Brutal challenge by Elizabeth II, he's absolutely smashed the attacker. The crowd are furious. VAR signal from the referee, he stops dead in the centre circle. What's he going to give? The challenge was worse than thought, Elizabeth II is sent off after VAR intervention! SENT OFF! Elizabeth II is dismissed for a horror tackle. The stretcher is coming on. Elizabeth II sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Michael Jordan pops up between two defenders.

The free kick is played short by Jeff Bezos to Michael Jordan, smart approach that. One touch football: Michael Jordan to Usain Bolt, faster than the opposition can think.

Terrible timing from Taylor Swift on that challenge, arrives a second late and the attacker breezes past. The polymath spills the ball into the middle. In that position, that kind of fumble can cost you the match. You absolutely have to either gather it or punch it clear. John Brown thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

The business oligarch dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. The monarch finds Jeffrey Dawson along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Jeffrey Dawson drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Elizabeth II. WHAT A SAVE from the polymath! That kind of keeper wins you matches all on his own.

John Brown sends Gordon Ramsay into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. The chef is flagged offside by a whisker on LeBron James's ball, agonising decision. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Gordon Ramsay to Jeffrey Dawson, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Jeff Bezos floats it into the gap for Gordon Ramsay, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. The chef overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Interception from LeBron James right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Massive clearance from LeBron James, just get the ball as far away as possible. Short restart from the polymath to Michael Jordan, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Overlap from the entrepreneur with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

A loss that will linger. Gordon Ramsay drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Taylor Swift texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-3 (L)

Both teams are running on empty but still throwing bodies forward. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. GOOOAL! Jeff Bezos unleashes a cannonball that ends its run in the back of the net. The bar shook!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Jeff Bezos is at the centre, lifted up by Gordon Ramsay and Isaac Newton, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Sevilla Olé-Olé's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Brilliant switch of play from John Brown! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Jeff Bezos. Driven cross from Jeff Bezos into the box, Taylor Swift arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Isaac Newton stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper. On the corner from Gordon Ramsay, Gordon Ramsay rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Gordon Ramsay shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Isaac Newton sends an absolute rocket towards Jeffrey Dawson, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Error from the microbiologist, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them.

Michael Jordan shifts it to Gordon Ramsay with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Gordon Ramsay spots Elizabeth II peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive.

The polymath throws it out to Taylor Swift, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Taylor Swift steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Isaac Newton takes the hit without responding. Usain Bolt drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Gordon Ramsay once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 180 and 62 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' Gordon Ramsay spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

It's a goal! Sevilla Olé-Olé go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Turnover from Taylor Swift, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. The abolitionist intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. John Brown fires the ball over to Taylor Swift with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

LeBron James finds Jeff Bezos in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. The business oligarch overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Jeff Bezos dinks a lob over the defenders for Gordon Ramsay, the ball lands like a feather. What a claim from Isaac Newton! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. The polymath finds Jeff Bezos with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Isaac Newton kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Gordon Ramsay takes a knee behind him. Isaac Newton raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

John Brown changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Usain Bolt. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Incredible burst of pace from Usain Bolt, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Failed dribble from Usain Bolt, he tried the skill but the timing was off. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision.

Elastico from the microbiologist, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. Jeffrey Dawson slides it to LeBron James, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The basketball player lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Isaac Newton lumps it long towards Michael Jordan, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Corner from Gordon Ramsay and a header from Usain Bolt, it grazes the bar but goes over. Ooh so close! Isaac Newton launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on LeBron James after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. LeBron James charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Brilliant cut-back from LeBron James along the grass for Jeff Bezos. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Defeat against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Isaac Newton fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Michael Jordan waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Superb tackle from the basketball player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. GOAL from Gordon Ramsay! A lob of outrageous DELICACY! The keeper came out, Gordon Ramsay spotted it and dinked it over him. That is GENIUS, all finesse!

LeBron James mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. John Brown does the wave with contortionist grace. Isaac Newton solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. The abolitionist has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Short restart from the polymath to John Brown, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Quick one-two between John Brown and Jeffrey Dawson, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Massive diagonal from Jeffrey Dawson! Michael Jordan receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Michael Jordan launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Michael Jordan was flying. Michael Jordan boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The attacker crushes Michael Jordan in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Michael Jordan was helpless.

Gordon Ramsay rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to LeBron James. The far side is completely deserted. LeBron James tries to find Jeff Bezos but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Usain Bolt shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric!

Isaac Newton takes his time and plays it short to Taylor Swift. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The philanthropist misplaces his pass to Elizabeth II, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Perfectly executed challenge by LeBron James, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. The basketball player opens up to Jeff Bezos on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Jeff Bezos puts the ball right into the mixer, Michael Jordan arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster.

The gaffer points at Isaac Newton: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Isaac Newton clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Nutritionists are baffled by John Brown's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. John Brown comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Quick one-two between Usain Bolt and Taylor Swift, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Great vision from Taylor Swift who switches to Usain Bolt. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Usain Bolt floats a cross in from the wing for Jeff Bezos, the ball hangs in the box! Cross far too long from Jeff Bezos, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

It's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Isaac Newton runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Gordon Ramsay gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

LeBron James dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. The christian minister lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

Free kick from Gordon Ramsay to the near post, Jeffrey Dawson gets a flick on it. Jeffrey Dawson sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post. Corner cleared by the defence, the philanthropist was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Raw emotion: Isaac Newton cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, LeBron James crouches beside him and speaks softly. Isaac Newton jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

basketball player delays the free-kick with ice in his veins. Experience in the role makes cynicism an art. Booking for LeBron James. Screaming at the linesman is never a good idea. Lovely cross from the basketball player on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. WHAT A HEADER from Michael Jordan! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking.

The abolitionist switches the play to LeBron James, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The basketball player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Big clearance from LeBron James under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Tough one against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. LeBron James and Usain Bolt are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

They've done it! London Three-Pints find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Isaac Newton unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Taylor Swift makes a heart sign with his hands. Isaac Newton finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

The philanthropist positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Usain Bolt! The keeper got demolished by a world class rocket!

Taylor Swift climbs onto LeBron James's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Isaac Newton circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Gordon Ramsay nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. The christian minister plays it simple to Jeff Bezos, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Jeff Bezos takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Jeff Bezos tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw.

Gordon Ramsay forces a pass to John Brown who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Isaac Newton stretches out his leg at the last second and pushes it away! Schmeichel-style save, MASSIVE. Usain Bolt boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

Blistering solo run from Jeffrey Dawson, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. The referee points to the SPOT! Penalty for Jeffrey Dawson! The defender committed the foul in the box, there is ZERO doubt. The pressure is at MAXIMUM! The microbiologist sees his penalty pushed away by the keeper! In that position, you need nerves of STEEL to bounce back from that. Monster clearance from Isaac Newton, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Taylor Swift.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Elizabeth II. "That is your job. 100 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. A lovely aside — Elizabeth II spent a rainy bank holiday assembling flat-pack furniture and documented the entire thing on Instagram Stories. It took nine hours, two breakdowns, and a trip to B&Q. At 180, he couldn't even fit the Allen key in his hand properly. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Michael Jordan comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Gordon Ramsay presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Gordon Ramsay feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Quick exchange between Gordon Ramsay and Jeff Bezos, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

The corner from the chef is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Effort from Jeffrey Dawson, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Superb diagonal from the chef to Jeff Bezos, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Jeff Bezos dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. The business oligarch plays it simple to Gordon Ramsay, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The polymath goes long for Jeffrey Dawson, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Superb diagonal from the microbiologist to Michael Jordan, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Michael Jordan lays it off first time to John Brown, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The abolitionist beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. The polymath plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Isaac Newton fires it out quickly by hand to Usain Bolt, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Diagonal from Usain Bolt to Gordon Ramsay, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Pass into no-man's land from Michael Jordan, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Huge interception from Usain Bolt! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

Draw. LeBron James takes the time to shake every London Three-Pints player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. John Brown follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.