My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. Mad scenes, CJ dos Santos sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOOOAL for Martien Vreijsen! On the free kick struck by Leonardo Pavoletti, he gets there first and powers his header into the net!

CJ dos Santos climbs onto Martien Vreijsen's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. CJ dos Santos circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

CJ dos Santos plays it along the ground to Marc Cucurella, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Marc Cucurella triggers a change of flanks for Yōichi Doi, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Yōichi Doi sends Martien Vreijsen into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. Martien Vreijsen squares it back for Marc Cucurella, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. Superb defensive work from Marc Cucurella there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that!

Brilliant pass from Marc Cucurella! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Malick Thiaw is onto it. Malick Thiaw celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Michael Amir Murillo's pass. Gutting. CJ dos Santos sends an absolute rocket towards Cafu, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. What a block! Cafu slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest.

Martien Vreijsen pings a ridiculous diagonal to Yōichi Doi. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Underhit ball from Yōichi Doi, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. Marc Cucurella gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Marc Cucurella has it running through his veins. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. SO CLOSE! Malick Thiaw sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Marc Cucurella to Martien Vreijsen, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Martien Vreijsen makes a mess of a simple pass to Yōichi Doi, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. Leonardo Pavoletti launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position.

The gaffer pulls up Paris Saint-Glinglin's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Luis Marín, you have the pace. Marc Cucurella, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. The 30-year-old Michael Amir Murillo has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 183, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' Out they come. Malick Thiaw has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Brilliant switch of play from Marc Cucurella! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Michael Amir Murillo. Michael Amir Murillo jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him. Luis Marín boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

The pace is mental, nobody knows how this is going to end. Effort from Yōichi Doi, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Free kick conceded by Marc Cucurella, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Brilliant opening from Michael Amir Murillo for Ronaldo, frees up the entire left flank. Good delivery from Ronaldo off the left flank, Leonardo Pavoletti positions himself between the two centre-halves. Leonardo Pavoletti sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

CJ dos Santos catapults the ball towards Luis Marín from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Luis Marín wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Luis Marín rolls it to Leonardo Pavoletti, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Leonardo Pavoletti! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

A draw — that grey zone. Leonardo Pavoletti signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Michael Amir Murillo adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Firm pass from Yōichi Doi into Malick Thiaw, right into the boots. No waste. The POST refuses Malick Thiaw his goal! Thunderous strike that rattles the upright. Cruel cruel cruel. OOOOH the tap-in from Martien Vreijsen! On the loose ball, he was 6 yards out, he pokes it in. GOAL!

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. Unbelievable, CJ dos Santos has come all the way into the opposition box, goal left wide open. Ronaldo meets the cross from Martien Vreijsen with a HEEEEADER! The keeper is petrified, IT IS IIIN!

CJ dos Santos climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Cafu films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Tremendous work from Ronald McDonald who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Ronald McDonald turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Leonardo Pavoletti. The defence did not even have time to blink. Leonardo Pavoletti tries to find Ronald McDonald but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Ronaldo anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Ronaldo boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Just wide from Malick Thiaw, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

Cafu boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Lay-off from Cafu to Yōichi Doi, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Yōichi Doi feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed.

Luis Marín is doing an impression of México No-Era-Penal's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Cafu is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." Club physios had to confiscate Ronaldo's PlayStation after the 50-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 183, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. CJ dos Santos takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Ronald McDonald does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Ronald McDonald drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. Ronald McDonald tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. CJ dos Santos finds Luis Marín with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Oh no, México No-Era-Penal have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Heartbreak! Cafu finishes brilliantly from Michael Amir Murillo's pass but the flag was up before the ball hit the net! The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. VAR rules it out! Luis Marín's goal is chalked off! Absolute heartbreak! Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Malick Thiaw puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears. Ronaldo thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Massive punt from CJ dos Santos, sends the ball sixty yards, Ronaldo is scrapping for it up top.

Luis Marín lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. CJ dos Santos boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Ronald McDonald! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Superb diagonal from the singer to Luis Marín, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Luis Marín reads the movement from Martien Vreijsen and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. BANG! Martien Vreijsen hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

Magnificent tackle from Marc Cucurella! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Marc Cucurella spreads it to Luis Marín, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Luis Marín feeds Yōichi Doi in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Yōichi Doi drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Ronald McDonald. Cross from Ronald McDonald cleared at the near post by the defence, that is frustrating.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Martien Vreijsen drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Ronaldo slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. México No-Era-Penal trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Ronald McDonald accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Ronald McDonald dinks a lob over the defenders for Yōichi Doi, the ball lands like a feather. Yōichi Doi meets the cross from Malick Thiaw victoriously! The header is on target, the ball is in the net, GOOOAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Ronald McDonald is at the centre, lifted up by Cafu and CJ dos Santos, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Corner from Martien Vreijsen well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably. Magnificent reading of the game from Ronaldo, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Change of flanks from Ronaldo, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Ronald McDonald. Crucial intervention from the singer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Crunching tackle by Cafu on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Wicked through ball from Cafu, the ball skims the grass and finds Yōichi Doi who had set off before anyone else even noticed. WOOOW Yōichi Doi launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Michael Amir Murillo aims for Marc Cucurella but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

Nightmare! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Ronaldo, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Ronaldo takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Luis Marín once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 52-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. CJ dos Santos takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. CJ dos Santos sticks the foot out at the right moment and blocks! The ball is neutralised, the keeper is everywhere. CJ dos Santos sparks the transition with a quick throw to Cafu, the break is lightning fast. Enormous anticipation from Cafu who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Cafu catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable.

Marc Cucurella waits for a teammate's pass but doesn't move. Stalling. Marc Cucurella goes into the book for questioning every single decision. About time. Free kick from Marc Cucurella, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Martien Vreijsen is onto it! Martien Vreijsen heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Malick Thiaw weights his pass into the space for Leonardo Pavoletti who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Michael Amir Murillo. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Telepathic pass from Michael Amir Murillo to Ronaldo, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Ronaldo is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Cafu's pass was beautifully weighted too.

We enter stoppage time, every touch of the ball could be decisive. Lovely use of the ball by Leonardo Pavoletti, finding Michael Amir Murillo in a tight pocket of space. Quality. With one swing of the boot, Michael Amir Murillo finds Malick Thiaw on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Overlap and cross from Malick Thiaw, the ball drops at the feet of Luis Marín in the heart of the box.

Ronald McDonald fires the ball over to Leonardo Pavoletti with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Leonardo Pavoletti gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. The referee spots the foul by Ronaldo, a push in the back on the opponent. Free kick from Ronaldo delivered with pace, Martien Vreijsen finds himself in space at the far post.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Ronald McDonald shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. CJ dos Santos goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Martien Vreijsen receives the ball in the box, the defender arrives late and brings him down! PENALTY! The referee points to the spot, this is a decision that could change EVERYTHING! Martien Vreijsen runs up, takes the penalty... POST! The ball comes back, that's terrible. GOOOOL from Ronaldo! Tap-in from 3 yards, on the cross from Malick Thiaw, the empty net was waiting, job done. GOOOAL!

Martien Vreijsen dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

On the corner from Yōichi Doi, Malick Thiaw is there for the header but it goes over. So frustrating. Monster clearance from CJ dos Santos, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Malick Thiaw. Lightning overlap from Malick Thiaw, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Floated cross from Malick Thiaw off the right, Marc Cucurella has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Martien Vreijsen combines with Yōichi Doi from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation. Yōichi Doi slips Marc Cucurella in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Marc Cucurella floats a cross in from the wing for Ronaldo, the ball hangs in the box! SAVED by CJ dos Santos! That strike looked unstoppable but the keeper pulled out a SUPERHUMAN reflex!

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

CJ dos Santos fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Ronald McDonald plays the medic running in. CJ dos Santos plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Blistering run from Martien Vreijsen on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Great overlap from Martien Vreijsen down the flank, pinpoint cross for Luis Marín in the area. This is the moment. The cross from Luis Marín is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. Michael Amir Murillo clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Cafu, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Cafu takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Now here's one for you — Cafu was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 176 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here come the lads. Ronaldo jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Marc Cucurella plays off Luis Marín, the return arrives right down the middle and Marc Cucurella is free as a bird. Marc Cucurella sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Marc Cucurella finds Ronald McDonald with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails.

They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. Luis Marín shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Panicked clearance from Luis Marín, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Luis Marín gives it to Martien Vreijsen into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Crafty ball from Martien Vreijsen into the gap, Cafu arrives into the space and collects on the move. Cafu tries to pick out Marc Cucurella on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Yōichi Doi intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

CJ dos Santos opts for the short option to Ronald McDonald, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Ronald McDonald dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Quick one-two between Ronald McDonald and Marc Cucurella, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Luis Marín picks out Marc Cucurella with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Smooth transition from Marc Cucurella to Ronaldo, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Ronaldo shifts it wide to Martien Vreijsen on the right, lovely ball into the space. Flag up! Martien Vreijsen was beyond the last man when Michael Amir Murillo released the pass.

Level score. Ronald McDonald screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Martien Vreijsen boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. CJ dos Santos right in the middle of the area, waving his hand for the ball. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Ronald McDonald! On the gift from Ronaldo, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

CJ dos Santos runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Yōichi Doi joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Good ball from Martien Vreijsen to Michael Amir Murillo, playing it quick between the lines. Michael Amir Murillo unleashes one that smashes off the bar and bounces out! The keeper hadn't moved! GOOOAL! Marc Cucurella pops up at the back post on the cross from Martien Vreijsen and prods the ball into the empty net from 2 yards!

Malick Thiaw sets up Ronald McDonald with a pull-back in the area, that is the goal-scoring pass right there! NOOOOO the singer fluffs it in front of an empty net! Michael Amir Murillo had done everything. In that role, you simply cannot miss those. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

The referee adds more time, this match simply will not end! Martien Vreijsen stays down after every touch, and there's clearly nothing wrong. The opponent is bundled over by Martien Vreijsen. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Martien Vreijsen delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Michael Amir Murillo is there to receive. Header from Michael Amir Murillo, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Malick Thiaw, you have been outstanding. Martien Vreijsen, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." A delightful detail about CJ dos Santos — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 26 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Michael Amir Murillo does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Luis Marín floats a ball towards Michael Amir Murillo but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Ferocious press from Malick Thiaw! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players.

Lovely interception from Cafu, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. OHHH Yōichi Doi strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling!

CJ dos Santos goes long for Yōichi Doi, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Short build-up from Yōichi Doi to Malick Thiaw, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Diagonal from Malick Thiaw to Marc Cucurella, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Overlap from Marc Cucurella on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Marc Cucurella gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Martien Vreijsen is there to meet it.

CJ dos Santos smashes a volley towards Ronald McDonald, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Lovely anticipation from the singer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Ronald McDonald plays it simple to Luis Marín, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Close-quarters dribble from Luis Marín, he finds space where there is none. Luis Marín sends in a curling delivery, Yōichi Doi peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

Step-overs from Yōichi Doi, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. Incredible burst of pace from Yōichi Doi, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Yōichi Doi sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

CJ dos Santos distributes short to Ronaldo, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Huge interception from Ronaldo! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Ronaldo to Marc Cucurella, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Little shift from Marc Cucurella to Cafu, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

WHAT A WIN! CJ dos Santos and Ronaldo do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Leonardo Pavoletti eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Leonardo Pavoletti is CUT DOWN in the box by the defender! Penalty! The referee is sure of himself, he points to the spot. The moment is VITAL, nobody is breathing in the ground! GOAL for Leonardo Pavoletti! PANENKA penalty! The keeper dives and the ball floats over him, AUDACIOUS!

Leonardo Pavoletti does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Marc Cucurella launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. CJ dos Santos arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Curled effort from Leonardo Pavoletti on the pass from Martien Vreijsen, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Leonardo Pavoletti mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Ronald McDonald plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. CJ dos Santos plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Oh it's gone in! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

CJ dos Santos finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Ronaldo plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. What a ball from Michael Amir Murillo! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Marc Cucurella is away on his own. That is velvet. Marc Cucurella has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. CJ dos Santos takes his time and plays it short to Leonardo Pavoletti. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Malick Thiaw links up with Leonardo Pavoletti, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Leonardo Pavoletti finds Ronald McDonald between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Nutmeg from Ronald McDonald on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Ronald McDonald puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Michael Amir Murillo shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Malick Thiaw picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." CJ dos Santos holds the dressing room record for keeping a Fruit Pastille in the mouth without chewing for 47 minutes. At 26, the achievement is engraved on a plaque above the physio's door. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' Marc Cucurella trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

CJ dos Santos plays out from the back with Marc Cucurella, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Marc Cucurella launches it to Ronaldo on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Ronaldo crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Ronald McDonald is there to meet it. Cross from the singer deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well.

CJ dos Santos hoofs it forward towards Marc Cucurella, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Marc Cucurella intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Marc Cucurella delivers a tidy ball to Luis Marín, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Quick dribble from Luis Marín, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Luis Marín gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Yōichi Doi.

Quick exchange between Leonardo Pavoletti and Malick Thiaw, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Smart pass from Malick Thiaw into the hole for Luis Marín, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. OH COME ON! Luis Marín is offside by a fraction, Cafu's through ball was absolutely perfect. The referee's earpiece is buzzing, VAR has spotted something. Hearts are in mouths. VAR check complete — offside detected, Michael Amir Murillo's goal is no more!

Malick Thiaw sees what nobody else sees and puts Luis Marín through on goal with a genius through ball. Offside against Luis Marín. Malick Thiaw spotted the run but the timing was just off. Short restart from CJ dos Santos to Cafu, building from the back nice and tidy. Brilliant tackle from Cafu! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending.

What a disaster! Lagos No-Carry-Last score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

CJ dos Santos sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Marc Cucurella snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. CJ dos Santos waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Almighty boot from Marc Cucurella who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Malick Thiaw lays it off first time to Ronald McDonald, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Yōichi Doi delivers an inswinging free kick, Martien Vreijsen at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Martien Vreijsen wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance.

Draw. Ronald McDonald takes the time to shake every Lagos No-Carry-Last player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Michael Amir Murillo follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Burst of pace from Ronaldo on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. PENALTY awarded! Ronaldo enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOAL! Ronaldo produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Ronaldo sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Marc Cucurella snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. CJ dos Santos waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Martien Vreijsen slides it to Malick Thiaw, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Malick Thiaw launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Cafu, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Absolutely immense from Cafu! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Surging run from Cafu from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle.

CJ dos Santos rolls it short to Michael Amir Murillo into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Michael Amir Murillo with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Martien Vreijsen threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Ronald McDonald bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Ronald McDonald sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

Michael Amir Murillo keeps it short to Marc Cucurella, no frills, just good football intelligence. Sharp turn from Marc Cucurella, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. BY A WHISKER! Marc Cucurella fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. CJ dos Santos lumps it long towards Yōichi Doi, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Yōichi Doi spreads the play and finds Ronald McDonald in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Ronald McDonald takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race.

Tactical debate in the corner. Luis Marín wants to push higher. Michael Amir Murillo reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Michael Amir Murillo, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Teammates were gobsmacked when Ronald McDonald revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 28, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Ronaldo picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. High recovery from Leonardo Pavoletti who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Leonardo Pavoletti beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. CJ dos Santos flings himself backwards and turns it over the frame with his fingertips! Acrobatic! Long ball from CJ dos Santos for Michael Amir Murillo who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Yōichi Doi takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. What positioning from Ronaldo! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Sideways ball from Ronaldo to Cafu, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Michael Amir Murillo meets the corner from Martien Vreijsen with a header at the near post, just wide. Emergency clearance from Leonardo Pavoletti, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Michael Amir Murillo spots Yōichi Doi in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Luis Marín puts the ball right into the path of Malick Thiaw, played to the inch, the space is found. OH NO! Malick Thiaw thought he'd scored from Yōichi Doi's through ball but the assistant has flagged for offside! Driven kick from CJ dos Santos to Marc Cucurella, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Draw. Yōichi Doi sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Luis Marín waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

They've scored! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. CJ dos Santos ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Malick Thiaw leaps over him. CJ dos Santos walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Martien Vreijsen aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

The pile at the corner flag. Martien Vreijsen is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. CJ dos Santos arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Moment of truth, heroes rise or hearts break. CJ dos Santos is up, one more corner and he has to make it count. GOOOAL! Malick Thiaw climbs to perfection on the cross from Ronaldo and propels the ball into the net. The keeper beaten by an imperial header!

CJ dos Santos rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Luis Marín jumps on his back, CJ dos Santos is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

CJ dos Santos climbs onto Luis Marín's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. CJ dos Santos circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Tidy restart from CJ dos Santos along the deck to Leonardo Pavoletti, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Leonardo Pavoletti opens up to Ronaldo on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Dreadful pass from Ronaldo, lands three yards away from the target. Luis Marín can do nothing with that. Leonardo Pavoletti clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Yōichi Doi is biting {his} nails in the corner. Malick Thiaw stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. A cracking detail — CJ dos Santos, standing at 194, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' Marc Cucurella spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Ronaldo lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner! Corner from Ronaldo, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Leonardo Pavoletti intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Leonardo Pavoletti puts it right into the feet of Yōichi Doi, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Ronald McDonald arrives at pace on the corner from Martien Vreijsen, header at the near post but it is too wide. CJ dos Santos launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Michael Amir Murillo after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Turnover from Michael Amir Murillo, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. High recovery from Martien Vreijsen! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Martien Vreijsen rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. Massive clearance from Cafu in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Monumental ball from Malick Thiaw to Martien Vreijsen, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Michael Amir Murillo sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Luis Marín. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Luis Marín takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Malick Thiaw unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Martien Vreijsen explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Martien Vreijsen shifts it to Malick Thiaw with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Dummy from Ronaldo, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Shirt tug from Ronaldo, the material is stretching, the ref sees it all! Booking for Ronaldo, he took out the runner to prevent the counter. Calculated cynicism. Ronaldo plays the free kick short and fast to Luis Marín, they catch everyone on the hop.

Luis Marín looks up and launches a long pass towards Leonardo Pavoletti. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Awful pass from Leonardo Pavoletti, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Malick Thiaw clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Yellow card for Malick Thiaw, a crunching tackle that left the opponent in a heap.

Perfect parity. Malick Thiaw slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Ronald McDonald watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

The singer does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Blistering solo run from Ronald McDonald, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. GOAL! The singer chips the ball over the keeper! In that position, that audacity and composure is what sets you apart from the rest. SUMPTUOUS lob, that is WORLD CLASS!

Malick Thiaw pulls off a rainbow flick over the defender, that is freestyle football in a competitive match. GOOOAL! Malick Thiaw plays football of the highest order! He beats his opponents one by one and finishes with composure!

Malick Thiaw mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Leonardo Pavoletti raises Malick Thiaw's arm like a referee declaring the winner. CJ dos Santos plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Leonardo Pavoletti sets it for Ronald McDonald, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Ronald McDonald curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save! The singer puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs.

Marc Cucurella boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Malick Thiaw goes crossfield to Leonardo Pavoletti, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Aerial duel won by Leonardo Pavoletti, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

They've nicked a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío catch us cold on the break.

CJ dos Santos mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Ronaldo does the wave with contortionist grace. CJ dos Santos solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Yōichi Doi. "That is your job. 53 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Roommates on away trips confirm Michael Amir Murillo sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 30, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' They are back. Luis Marín salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Rapid combination: Malick Thiaw to Martien Vreijsen, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Malick Thiaw changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Marc Cucurella. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Martien Vreijsen switches the play to Ronaldo on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Duel lost by Ronaldo, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. Monster clearance from Cafu! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Leonardo Pavoletti plays the simple ball to Luis Marín, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

CJ dos Santos distributes by hand to Martien Vreijsen on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Martien Vreijsen is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. CJ dos Santos stretches like a spring and palms the strike around for a corner! HEROIC dive. Leonardo Pavoletti gets up well on the corner from Martien Vreijsen but his header is too high. Cannot find the frame.

What a scramble after Yōichi Doi's corner! The ball just won't go away, the defense is panicking! Luis Marín launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

One touch football: Malick Thiaw to Ronaldo, faster than the opposition can think. WIIIIIDE! Ronaldo put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Great vision from Leonardo Pavoletti who switches to Ronaldo. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

CJ dos Santos mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Marc Cucurella plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. CJ dos Santos plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Luis Marín with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Sideways ball from Luis Marín to Ronaldo, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Wall pass between Ronaldo and Luis Marín, the combination comes off a treat.

Level score. Luis Marín screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Ronaldo boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

Beautiful distribution from CJ dos Santos to Malick Thiaw, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Aerial duel won by Malick Thiaw, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Malick Thiaw rises majestically and meets the ball with his HEEEEEAD! The keeper bows, GOOOOAL!

Delayed tackle from Malick Thiaw, the attacker was gone ages ago by the time he hits the floor. The referee blows and points to the penalty spot! Martien Vreijsen has been bundled over in the box. The defender used too much body, it is a penalty! MASSIVE moment of the match! GOOOOOAL! Martien Vreijsen takes his penalty with incredible CONFIDENCE. The keeper had no chance!

Disaster! Rio Malandro FC score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Knee slide from CJ dos Santos right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Luis Marín does the same down the line. CJ dos Santos turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Cafu with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Cafu puts it right into the feet of Martien Vreijsen, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Martien Vreijsen rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Ronaldo. The far side is completely deserted.

GOAAAL for Rio Malandro FC! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

CJ dos Santos mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Leonardo Pavoletti raises CJ dos Santos's arm like a referee declaring the winner. CJ dos Santos plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Martien Vreijsen gets shifted. Malick Thiaw drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Brilliant little nugget — Martien Vreijsen has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' Kick-off! Luis Marín wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Close but no cigar! Malick Thiaw gets a toe to the ball but can't stop the attacker from getting through. CJ dos Santos parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Luis Marín throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Oh that's poor! Rio Malandro FC score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The singer switches the play to Cafu, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Cafu takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Lovely use of the ball by Cafu, finding Malick Thiaw in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Switch from Malick Thiaw! The ball arcs over the midfield and Luis Marín collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Massive diagonal from Malick Thiaw! Martien Vreijsen receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Martien Vreijsen releases Ronaldo with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Ronaldo hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Perfect low cut-back from Ronaldo, the ball slides across the box and Martien Vreijsen just has to finish.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. CJ dos Santos catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. CJ dos Santos plays it short to Michael Amir Murillo, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Crossfield pass from Michael Amir Murillo to Leonardo Pavoletti, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Corner from Martien Vreijsen, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Luis Marín drops a lofted ball to Cafu, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Michael Amir Murillo launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Long ball from Ronaldo to Luis Marín, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

The corner from Malick Thiaw is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Luis Marín pings a long diagonal to Malick Thiaw, completely shifts the point of attack. Enormous leap from Malick Thiaw who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Malick Thiaw slips Martien Vreijsen in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Neat one-two between Martien Vreijsen and Ronald McDonald, simple, beautiful, and above all effective.

It's over and Rio Malandro FC take the points. Luis Marín shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Ronald McDonald walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-3 (L)

Ronald McDonald gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Ronald McDonald finds Marc Cucurella with a pull-back inside the eighteen, that is an absolute beauty of a ball. Marc Cucurella does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

Ronald McDonald climbs onto Luis Marín's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. CJ dos Santos circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Malick Thiaw embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. The LOB! The LOOOB! Malick Thiaw chips the ball and lobs the keeper with a DIVINE touch! The ball makes a perfect arc and settles into the goal. SUMPTUOUS!

Quick exchange between Cafu and Michael Amir Murillo, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Michael Amir Murillo shifts it to Luis Marín with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Luis Marín fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Michael Amir Murillo throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Michael Amir Murillo sends a powerful header on the cross from Ronaldo but it flies over. The whole stadium thought it was in. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Cafu finds Ronald McDonald in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. The singer gets to the byline and floats one in for Luis Marín. Crossing is his bread and butter. Luis Marín rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power.

Wing switch from Luis Marín, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Ronald McDonald brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Pinpoint delivery from the singer towards Cafu, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Cross from Cafu blocked at the defender's feet. The attempt comes to nothing. Instinctive clearance from Cafu who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Martien Vreijsen sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. CJ dos Santos is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim CJ dos Santos once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 194 and 26 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Leonardo Pavoletti picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

What a mess! Istanbul Cehennem FK capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Malick Thiaw rolls the free kick along the ground to Ronaldo, it is the short routine. Ronaldo strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. The cross from Malick Thiaw is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper.

They've done it! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Luis Marín sends an aerial beauty to Ronald McDonald, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. The singer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. One touch football: Ronald McDonald to Cafu, faster than the opposition can think.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Yōichi Doi slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Short free kick, Yōichi Doi gives it to Ronald McDonald who finds himself with space to work with. Ronald McDonald bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Ronald McDonald picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off.

And that's a goal! Istanbul Cehennem FK extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

CJ dos Santos and Marc Cucurella do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. CJ dos Santos arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The wall from Yōichi Doi is perfect for Michael Amir Murillo who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Michael Amir Murillo powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. A tug on the shirt from Michael Amir Murillo, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. The free kick from Michael Amir Murillo is played to the side for Malick Thiaw, intelligent stuff.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Leonardo Pavoletti picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Good run from Leonardo Pavoletti who crosses to the near post for Malick Thiaw. The defender is beaten to it. Completely wasted cross from Malick Thiaw, the keeper just plucks it out of the air in his six-yard box. Quick throw from CJ dos Santos to Ronaldo out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Painful afternoon. Michael Amir Murillo and CJ dos Santos walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Istanbul Cehennem FK's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

The overlap from Martien Vreijsen, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. PENALTY for Martien Vreijsen! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Martien Vreijsen does NOT FLINCH! Penalty taken with class, the ball ends in the far corner.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Martien Vreijsen. CJ dos Santos is on his knees clapping, CJ dos Santos is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Lay-off from Yōichi Doi to Michael Amir Murillo, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Michael Amir Murillo picks out Yōichi Doi with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Yōichi Doi looks up and swings in a floated cross, Cafu rises among the defenders. Cross from Malick Thiaw, header from Cafu and... it is over! He should have done better there. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

They've scored again! Milano Piano-Piano are running riot and we can't cope.

Full moonwalk from CJ dos Santos, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Martien Vreijsen does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. CJ dos Santos applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

CJ dos Santos throws it out quickly to Luis Marín, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Luis Marín puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Trip by Luis Marín, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. The referee's had enough. Yellow card for Luis Marín, persistent fouling.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. CJ dos Santos hurls himself at the attacker and blocks. The ball is smothered, the keeper has won the duel. Cafu scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Masterful reading from Ronaldo who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Cafu is livid, gesturing wildly. Marc Cucurella chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Club physios had to confiscate Luis Marín's PlayStation after the 52-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 180, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' CJ dos Santos spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Clearance from Marc Cucurella under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Martien Vreijsen swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Leonardo Pavoletti, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Inch-perfect cross from Leonardo Pavoletti, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Yōichi Doi at the back post. Header lost by Yōichi Doi, the opponent was just too strong. CJ dos Santos rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful.

What selflessness from Luis Marín! Tracks all the way back from the opposition box to make a tackle in his own area. Luis Marín goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. The free kick from Luis Marín clears the defence and finds Malick Thiaw in the danger area. Lovely take from CJ dos Santos! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle.

Firm pass from Cafu into Ronald McDonald, right into the boots. No waste. Ronald McDonald frees up the entire channel for Yōichi Doi with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Lay-off from Yōichi Doi to Michael Amir Murillo, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Rapid combination: Michael Amir Murillo to Cafu, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Marc Cucurella senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Absolute peach from Michael Amir Murillo, threading it through for Ronald McDonald, the centre-halves are done for! CJ dos Santos blocks with his entire body! The attacker is smothered, the ball is dead, what a save! Long kick from CJ dos Santos, Ronald McDonald positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on. Sublime through ball from Yōichi Doi for Ronald McDonald who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Ronald McDonald charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Oh my word Ronaldo fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. CJ dos Santos fires it out quickly by hand to Yōichi Doi, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Wasteful from Yōichi Doi on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Luis Marín throws his arms up in frustration.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. CJ dos Santos shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Malick Thiaw goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Oh no, it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Malick Thiaw crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Marc Cucurella is in the right place. OHHH NOOOO! Own goal from Marc Cucurella! He tried to head it clear but the ball loops over his keeper and nestles in the net! The poor lad is on his KNEES, he does not know where to look. Complete disaster.

CJ dos Santos produces THE howler of the match! He literally hands the ball to the opposing attacker, you cannot believe it! GOOOAL! Ronaldo pokes the ball in at point-blank range after a scramble in the box. STRIKER'S GOAL!

Knee slide from CJ dos Santos right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Michael Amir Murillo does the same down the line. CJ dos Santos turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. JUST WIIIIIDE from Yōichi Doi! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough.

Malick Thiaw takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. The singer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Marc Cucurella unleashes a raking ball out to Leonardo Pavoletti, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Lay-off from Leonardo Pavoletti to Yōichi Doi, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Yōichi Doi sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Yōichi Doi has it in buckets.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Ronaldo is livid, gesturing wildly. Cafu chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." A little fun fact for you — Malick Thiaw, all 194 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Luis Marín does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Michael Amir Murillo with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Michael Amir Murillo keeps it short to Marc Cucurella, no frills, just good football intelligence. Marc Cucurella to Martien Vreijsen, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Cross from Martien Vreijsen, he puts it on the far post for Luis Marín. Cross blocked from Luis Marín, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending.

Malick Thiaw puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Cafu sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Michael Amir Murillo. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Smooth transition from Michael Amir Murillo to Marc Cucurella, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Powerful run from Marc Cucurella down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

It's in the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé celebrate and our fans are gutted.

CJ dos Santos climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Yōichi Doi films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. High recovery from Yōichi Doi, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Yōichi Doi shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear.

Marc Cucurella spots the run from Michael Amir Murillo and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Michael Amir Murillo shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Martien Vreijsen launches it to Luis Marín on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Cafu reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Crossfield pass from Cafu to Leonardo Pavoletti, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Leonardo Pavoletti wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Leonardo Pavoletti loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation.

Michael Amir Murillo sets it for Luis Marín, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Driven cross from Luis Marín into the box, Malick Thiaw arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Malick Thiaw crosses from the right but the defender blocks it with his shins. It is not getting through. Short distribution from CJ dos Santos to Cafu, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

A draw — that grey zone. Yōichi Doi signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. CJ dos Santos adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

Corner from Malick Thiaw, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! Malick Thiaw read the trajectory of the cross from Yōichi Doi perfectly! Tap-in from 4 yards, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Malick Thiaw spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. CJ dos Santos gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Leonardo Pavoletti beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Leonardo Pavoletti dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! Leonardo Pavoletti scores from the spot! Impeccable angled shot, the keeper went the wrong way. GOAL, EASY!

CJ dos Santos launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Yōichi Doi after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Decisive interception from Yōichi Doi who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Yōichi Doi saw it all.

Ronaldo goes short to Marc Cucurella, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine. Body feint from Marc Cucurella, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. Marc Cucurella sets it for Michael Amir Murillo, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Michael Amir Murillo tries the one-two with Luis Marín and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Michael Amir Murillo wins the battle without even touching the opponent.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Leonardo Pavoletti unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. CJ dos Santos takes his time and plays it short to Ronaldo. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Ronaldo shifts it to Leonardo Pavoletti with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

The physio works on Yōichi Doi's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Yōichi Doi, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Cafu, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. A plumber was called to Leonardo Pavoletti's house after the 38-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' And they are off! Martien Vreijsen touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Ronaldo delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Lifesaving clearance from Cafu! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now.

Smooth transition from Martien Vreijsen to Leonardo Pavoletti, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Leonardo Pavoletti puts it right into the feet of Martien Vreijsen, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Martien Vreijsen spots Malick Thiaw peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Malick Thiaw was a good metre off on Cafu's pass.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Leonardo Pavoletti opens up the space for Martien Vreijsen with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Devastating burst of pace from Martien Vreijsen, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Oh that's terrible! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

The singer opens up to Leonardo Pavoletti on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Leonardo Pavoletti clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Michael Amir Murillo gets across the near post first. Masterful aerial duel from Michael Amir Murillo, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator.

Michael Amir Murillo chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Michael Amir Murillo absolutely leathers the free kick and it ends up in the car park. Yikes.

A draw. CJ dos Santos claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Malick Thiaw tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-0 (W)

Leonardo Pavoletti rolls it to Yōichi Doi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Yōichi Doi finds the gap and serves Ronald McDonald in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Ronald McDonald unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Yōichi Doi! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

Leonardo Pavoletti mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. CJ dos Santos plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. CJ dos Santos plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Brilliant interception from Cafu, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Cafu picks out Malick Thiaw with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Malick Thiaw tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. One touch football: Malick Thiaw to Leonardo Pavoletti, faster than the opposition can think.

Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Ronald McDonald spots the gap and sends Yōichi Doi into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Cut-back from Yōichi Doi, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Michael Amir Murillo. The shot from Michael Amir Murillo is blocked, the defender put his body on the line.

The corner from Malick Thiaw is headed away by the defence at the near post. Enormous clearance from Leonardo Pavoletti inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Lay-off from Yōichi Doi to Cafu, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Cafu beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong.

Martien Vreijsen embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. WHAT A SHAME for Martien Vreijsen! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Leonardo Pavoletti, you have been outstanding. CJ dos Santos, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." The 25-year-old Malick Thiaw has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 194, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Ronaldo leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Diagonal from Ronaldo to Leonardo Pavoletti, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Leonardo Pavoletti sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Cafu in the thick of it. Commanding header from Cafu who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Cafu did not budge an inch.

Massive clearance from Marc Cucurella, just get the ball as far away as possible. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Lovely use of the ball by Michael Amir Murillo, finding Ronald McDonald in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The singer fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Pass into space from Leonardo Pavoletti for Malick Thiaw, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. That's offside. Malick Thiaw was straining at the leash and went too early on Yōichi Doi's ball. Ronald McDonald absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Tidy restart from CJ dos Santos along the deck to Leonardo Pavoletti, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The timing is everything: Cafu releases the ball at the perfect moment and Martien Vreijsen explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Just wide! Martien Vreijsen struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Foul by Ronald McDonald on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick.

Corner from Yōichi Doi, Martien Vreijsen throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. CJ dos Santos distributes short to Leonardo Pavoletti, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Stunning tackle by Leonardo Pavoletti in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

The whistle blows and Michael Amir Murillo lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Yōichi Doi claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.