My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. The chef's surprise of the evening is Homer Simpson. A farmer by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle stubborn soil with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-133 (L)
LeBron James takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Superman, this tweener, wastes a golden chance with a wild layup!
LeBron James blows past into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Superman gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
LeBron James mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
End of the first half. Superman is beet red but still standing. Confession: Superman believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're back! The players look fired up.
King Kong dunks the orange into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Homer Simpson is gassed! More tired than after a full day of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Superman fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
King Kong, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
Superman leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench, staring into nothing. LeBron James has his head in his hands. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
107-101 (W)
Jesus Christ opens with a scoop layup! This basketball god making an early statement!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, uses every inch to deliver a tear drop!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Homer Simpson with the weak-side perfect contest! Incredible help!
This generational talent Jesus Christ with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
LeBron James spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ flops into the first available chair. Anecdote: Jesus Christ fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Homer Simpson scoops it up and in! The touch of a farmer with the stubborn soil!
This basketball god Jesus Christ turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
King Kong, this solid build, sets the perfect screen! Night-in night-out consistency for the team!
Homer Simpson, this swiss-army-knife type, makes a statement! This franchise cornerstone is here to stay!
Homer Simpson walks off the floor victorious! A farmer who conquered it all tonight!
Jesus Christ and LeBron James lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-112 (L)
LeBron James pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this global icon!
Superman misfires under the basket! Even this household name has off nights!
LeBron James fires away the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this living legend!
Jesus Christ can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
This jersey-selling name King Kong with a picture-perfect step-back three! The crowd goes wild!
Break! King Kong takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Staff confession: King Kong is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
LeBron James slams the orange in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
King Kong forces a fadeaway jumper under the basket! This multi-time All-Star trying too hard!
Jesus Christ reads the defense perfectly! Nerves of steel and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This elite player King Kong has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jesus Christ had the chances but couldn't convert. This basketball god left wanting.
LeBron James slams his fist on the bench. Homer Simpson places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-92 (W)
Homer Simpson sets the tone early! The farmer came to play tonight!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Superman! The crowd erupts! That dawg mentality personified!
Jesus Christ a surgical steal with authority! This smooth operator protecting the paint!
Superman, this undisputed superstar, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Ridiculous creativity!
LeBron James, this living legend, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
That's a wrap for now. Homer Simpson dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Homer Simpson tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Superman takes off to the rack for a step-back three! Can't contain this tweener!
The PA announcer can't pronounce Jesus Christ's their bare hands! Comedy at the temple of basketball!
King Kong, this all-around player, anchors the second unit! This jersey-selling name versatile contributor!
The narrative shifts! LeBron James takes control with an unmatched feel for the game!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, high-fives the bench! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! Team effort!
LeBron James rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Homer Simpson does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-124 (L)
Superman checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A bank shot by Homer Simpson from way beyond the arc is way off! Tough night for this basketball god!
Superman dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
This basketball god Homer Simpson fouls reaching in! Hot head on defense!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Superman slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break! LeBron James rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know? LeBron James has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jesus Christ can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Superman tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a superhero's energy for the game!
Jesus Christ trips up in the restricted area! A messiah never trips at work... Right?
LeBron James, this mammoth, waves off the play call! Lack of consistency hurting the team!
LeBron James, this colossus, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a gym-rat work ethic effort.
Superman sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Jesus Christ winces. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
83-108 (L)
Superman, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Homer Simpson posts up and fires but misses everything! Shaky emotions under pressure tonight!
LeBron James with the backcourt violation! This guy with rings on every finger under too much pressure!
Homer Simpson loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
LeBron James with an incredible sky hook along the baseline! Standing ovation!
Halftime whistle. Homer Simpson high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little scoop: Homer Simpson tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Superman throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Superman, this do-it-all player, gets the look from mid-range but the lid's on the rim!
Homer Simpson goes to the post! That farmer strength is showing!
Jesus Christ bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a messiah after their bare hands overtime!
LeBron James walks off in silence. This first-ballot legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Homer Simpson's lip is trembling. LeBron James dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
83-127 (L)
King Kong, this elite player, embraces the Finals-like atmosphere! Game on!
Homer Simpson can't convert the open shot! Cultivating the stubborn soil is way easier!
This All-Star caliber talent King Kong commits the offensive foul! Turnover off the pick and roll!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ can't recover! Scored on from the right corner! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Jesus Christ waves off the play! The authority of a messiah in that gesture!
Break time. Superman bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Small detail: Superman whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ penetrates the damn ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this living legend!
This basketball god LeBron James stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
King Kong, this multi-time All-Star, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
King Kong, this established star, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
King Kong stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Jesus Christ comes back to get him. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-120 (L)
This all-time great LeBron James means business! Fast start under the basket!
Brick! Jesus Christ misfires from the right corner! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Superman with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Homer Simpson gets blown by! Even a farmer couldn't stop that!
This multi-time All-Star King Kong gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Coach calls everyone back. LeBron James drags his feet toward the tunnel. Confession: LeBron James believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Superman forces up a two-handed slam over the defense! Heavy feet! Bad decision!
LeBron James is gassed! This global icon bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Superman, this all-around player, gets stripped back to the basket! Limited stamina exposed!
Homer Simpson drops the head after another miss! Lack of consistency sapping the confidence!
This headliner King Kong stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this headliner wanted.
Homer Simpson rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. King Kong picks up his own and folds it carefully. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-133 (L)
Homer Simpson begins their shift on the temple of basketball! A farmer starting the seed dibber shift!
Jesus Christ with the contested sky hook from the left corner! No good! Bad selection!
Homer Simpson with the backcourt violation! A farmer going backwards with the stubborn soil!
This potential GOAT Superman caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Jesus Christ glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this messiah!
Halftime. The physio pounces on LeBron James to massage his thighs. Little scoop: LeBron James logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ misses at the buzzer! A messiah who missed the deadline!
LeBron James rises up a step slower than usual! Shaky emotions under pressure in the tank!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Homer Simpson pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The farmer in them is showing!
Homer Simpson hangs their head! A farmer who gave everything they had!
Superman refuses Houston Blast-Off's handshake. Jesus Christ offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-130 (L)
Homer Simpson lands the first finger roll! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
Superman dribbles but overcooks it! Limited stamina showing up again!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
Jesus Christ gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
Jesus Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Break! Superman rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Superman raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Superman misses the open look! A superhero never misses the game... But misses the orange!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James can barely jump! The springs are gone from the right corner!
Turnover by Homer Simpson! Cultivating the stubborn soil requires less coordination, clearly!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
This elite player King Kong leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Homer Simpson mutters 'damn' under his breath. Superman says 'yeah' in the same tone. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
Superman wins the opening tip! Tipping off with superhero energy!
LeBron James, this titan, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this guy with rings on every finger!
King Kong, this smooth operator, steps out of bounds with the Spalding! Mental lapse!
Superman watches helplessly! A superhero watching the game fall off the shelf!
This hall-of-fame lock Superman throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
End of the second quarter. Superman is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Fun fact: Superman blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Jesus Christ clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Jesus Christ drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Sloppy handling by Superman! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jesus Christ stares in disbelief! The look of a messiah who just lost everything!
Homer Simpson vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the seed dibber reinforced with the stubborn soil!
LeBron James pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Superman takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
99-126 (L)
This absolute legend LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Superman clanks another one off the rim! This basketball god needs to find rhythm!
LeBron James throws it into the stands! What was that from this global icon!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, gets dunked on off the pick and roll! Poster material!
The technical flair of Homer Simpson recalls their farmer days. A buzzer beater! Sublime!
First half is done. Superman is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Staff confession: Superman is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jesus Christ can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the orange frustration!
LeBron James, this colossus, can't finish from the left corner! That one stings!
Jesus Christ overloads one side! Loading up with messiah strategy!
Superman stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a superhero over the game!
Superman, this basketball god, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
King Kong sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Evening confession: I'm wearing King Kong's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-122 (L)
Tip-off! King Kong gets us started! Let's go!
Superman just barely misses! Close as a superhero getting the game almost right!
Homer Simpson throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the farmer got too confident!
LeBron James gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
This established star King Kong hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Break time. King Kong bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little scoop: King Kong tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ rattles it out! So close yet so far from the right corner!
Superman, this all-around player, looks exhausted facing the rim! The legs are gone!
Superman, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in transition!
Superman slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Homer Simpson tips the cap to the winners! The farmer's grace with the stubborn soil!
Jesus Christ collapses into the first available chair. Superman stays standing, eyes glazed over. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
78-122 (L)
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
Homer Simpson turns it over at the jump ball! A farmer dropping the seed dibber at the worst time!
Homer Simpson, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Homer Simpson, this living legend, with the frustrated foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in tough moments!
Coach calls everyone back. Homer Simpson drags his feet toward the tunnel. True story: Homer Simpson had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
LeBron James air-mails a hook shot back to the basket! Way off for this guy with rings on every finger!
Jesus Christ wipes sweat with the headband! Drenched, the messiah has been putting in work!
Homer Simpson dribbles it off their foot! The seed dibber would never betray a farmer like that!
Homer Simpson can't mask the disappointment! This living legend wearing it on the sleeve!
LeBron James spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This all-time great will learn from this.
Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. LeBron James decides not to comment. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-120 (L)
And we're underway! King Kong touches the ball first! This multi-time All-Star looks eager!
Superman, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
King Kong, this all-around player, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
King Kong overcommits and gets beat! Injury-prone body when reading the play!
Superman, this generational talent, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
The locker room fills up. LeBron James has already eaten three oranges. Confession: LeBron James tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Jesus Christ cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the Wilson double duty!
LeBron James with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
King Kong spins the towel! This bonafide star showing tendency to force bad shots!
Homer Simpson sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a farmer after the seed dibber broke!
Jesus Christ avoids the cameras like the plague. Superman gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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