My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

And it's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. Simone Biles sends in a curling delivery, IShowSpeed peels off the back of his marker and finds space. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from IShowSpeed! On the gift from Quicksilver, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Black Flash boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Simone Biles is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. HEADER from Usain Bolt! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. IShowSpeed heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

The artistic gymnast puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Lovely take from the player! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Smooth transition from Black Flash to Superman, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The superhero finds Quicksilver in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Flag up! Quicksilver is offside by the thinnest of margins on Superman's pass. Gutting.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. JUST WIIIIIDE from Quicksilver! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Sonic the Hedgehog boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Barry Allen! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Rapid combination: Barry Allen to Wally West, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, IShowSpeed. And you, Quicksilver. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. SpongeBob SquarePants has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 40, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Simone Biles high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

PENALTY for The Great Khali! The defender TACKLES him in the box, the referee blows without hesitation. The player gets up, the pressure is on his SHOULDERS now. The Great Khali misses the penalty! The ball sails over the crossbar. He's absolutely crushed.

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Usain Bolt powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Usain Bolt crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, The Great Khali is in the right place. The movie actor/actress gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight.

One touch football: Wally West to Simone Biles, faster than the opposition can think. Simone Biles floats a cross in from the wing for Black Flash, the ball hangs in the box! Black Flash rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. Driven kick from Sonic the Hedgehog to Quicksilver, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Quicksilver looks up and launches a long pass towards IShowSpeed. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Black Flash thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. The Great Khali pings a ridiculous diagonal to Simone Biles. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Simone Biles gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of The Great Khali. The attacker crushes The Great Khali in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. The Great Khali was helpless. Sonic the Hedgehog grabs the ball in the air, two firm hands, no spilling. Immaculate.

Usain Bolt goes short to Black Flash, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine. BY A WHISKER! Black Flash fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Simone Biles winds up and puts it into orbit, the fans behind the goal are having a good laugh.

Draw. SpongeBob SquarePants sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Black Flash waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Short corner from the artistic gymnast to SpongeBob SquarePants, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. The cook pulls it back along the ground for The Great Khali. The low cut-back is his trademark. GOOOOAL! The Great Khali was on the penalty spot at the right moment. With the tip of his boot he puts the ball in!

Enormous anticipation from Black Flash who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. The Great Khali was THERE! The keeper spills the strike from Usain Bolt, he toes the ball into the empty net. GOAL!

Knee slide from Black Flash right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. SpongeBob SquarePants does the same down the line. Sonic the Hedgehog turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Dangerous corner from the superhero, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. The rapper boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. The superhero spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for IShowSpeed. That is exactly why he is out there. The linesman spots IShowSpeed offside by a hair, Wally West's pass was magnificent though. The referee draws the rectangle in the air, he's going to have a look himself. Huge moment.

Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner. Mad pressing, the strikers chase defenders like wolves. The superhero slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Wally West clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

SpongeBob SquarePants is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Simone Biles, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Wally West turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 28-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' Sonic the Hedgehog is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

GOAAAL for México No-Era-Penal! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Sonic the Hedgehog stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. The Great Khali comes over and hugs him without a word.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Free kick conceded by the superhero, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Quicksilver plays the free kick quickly to Superman, they catch the defence napping.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Through ball from the superhero for Superman, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Superman unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Short restart from Sonic the Hedgehog to Usain Bolt, building from the back nice and tidy.

Usain Bolt plays short to The Great Khali on the corner, a classic little tactical combination. Cut-back along the turf from the movie actor/actress for Barry Allen. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Golden chance wasted by the superhero after the perfect service from Black Flash. In that role, it is these moments that separate a good player from a great one. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Sonic the Hedgehog catapults the ball towards SpongeBob SquarePants from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Superb diagonal from the cook to Simone Biles, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Short pass from the artistic gymnast to Superman, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Nutmeg from Superman on the defender, the humiliation is absolute.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Usain Bolt decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Absolutely appalling challenge from Usain Bolt on the attacker. The stadium erupts in anger. Usain Bolt is booked for a high boot. Dangerous play, the ref had no choice. The free kick is played short by Usain Bolt to Superman, smart approach that.

Massive win over México No-Era-Penal! Wally West is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Black Flash pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

Simone Biles gifts Black Flash a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Black Flash does the striker's job! On the loose ball from IShowSpeed, he stabs with the tip of his boot, GOAL!

Simone Biles mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. IShowSpeed does the wave with contortionist grace. Sonic the Hedgehog solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

The press from Quicksilver pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Quicksilver pounces. A forced gift. Quicksilver beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. GOOOOOAL for Quicksilver! On the genius pass from Simone Biles, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. The movie actor/actress switches the play to Simone Biles, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Masterful aerial duel from Simone Biles, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator.

GOAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The superhero reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Wally West plays it into the channel for Superman, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Superman strays offside by half a boot on Quicksilver's pass, brutal decision!

The boss pulls Sonic the Hedgehog aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 28 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Sonic the Hedgehog just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. Incredible scenes last summer when Barry Allen was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 28 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' The second period begins and Barry Allen launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Big clearance from Black Flash under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Lay-off from Quicksilver to Usain Bolt out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Underhit ball from Usain Bolt, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

SpongeBob SquarePants embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. SpongeBob SquarePants threads a ball into the void for Simone Biles, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. The artistic gymnast was beyond the last man when Black Flash played it. Clear offside.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Great vision from SpongeBob SquarePants who finds Usain Bolt in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

Clearance from the player towards SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The opponent beats SpongeBob SquarePants to the near post and wins the header. SpongeBob SquarePants was caught on his heels. Sonic the Hedgehog stretches every inch of his body and pushes the strike away. What a save! SpongeBob SquarePants gets up well on the corner from Quicksilver but his header is too high. Cannot find the frame.

Masterful reading from Superman who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Usain Bolt curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Usain Bolt goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all.

The superhero finds Usain Bolt along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Usain Bolt feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. The dribble from Usain Bolt fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Wally West steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Wally West boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Full time, full joy! Quicksilver walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Superman carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are yesterday's news. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

Superman slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Superman dares the IMPOSSIBLE strike and IT WORKS! From 32 yards, the ball ends in the top corner, GOAL!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Superman, arms out like an aeroplane. Sonic the Hedgehog follows in like he's skiing. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Superman produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Superman gives it to The Great Khali into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The Great Khali beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. The Great Khali clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Booking for the movie actor/actress, too many fouls stacking up. That role demands discipline.

The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Barry Allen anticipates the run from Usain Bolt and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Offside by a nose for Usain Bolt on the ball from The Great Khali! You'd need a microscope for that one.

Added time, the subs are cheering from the bench, this is the last chance. The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. Just wide! Quicksilver struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Classy interception from Wally West, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Wally West opens up to Barry Allen on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Inch-perfect cross from Barry Allen, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Wally West at the back post. Wally West climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Usain Bolt is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Barry Allen and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. You won't believe this, but Superman has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Usain Bolt takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

What positioning from Black Flash! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. The player plays it simple to Usain Bolt, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Sharp turn from Usain Bolt, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Usain Bolt delivers from the byline, Simone Biles is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Simone Biles meets the cross from Usain Bolt with his head but it goes over the bar!

Usain Bolt whips the free kick into the box for Wally West, dangerous delivery! SCRAMBLE after the superhero's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. Deflected shot from the artistic gymnast, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. Superman clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Flash wall from IShowSpeed for The Great Khali who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. Low cut-back from the movie actor/actress for Superman. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. The superhero lays it off first time to Wally West, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Wally West tries the one-two with Simone Biles and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Wally West wins the battle without even touching the opponent. Wally West drills a low ball back for Barry Allen, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

Sonic the Hedgehog distributes by hand to Black Flash on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Good ball from the player to Simone Biles, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Burst of speed from the artistic gymnast down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Simone Biles chips a cross over the defensive line, IShowSpeed controls in space. That is world class.

Little shift from IShowSpeed to Superman, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Oh my word Superman fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Black Flash unleashes a raking ball out to Simone Biles, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

The whistle blows and Sonic the Hedgehog lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. SpongeBob SquarePants claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-0 (W)

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. OHHH the GOAL from Usain Bolt! On the gift from The Great Khali, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Usain Bolt mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Simone Biles raises Usain Bolt's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Usain Bolt links up with IShowSpeed, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. IShowSpeed pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. IShowSpeed is cautioned for accumulated fouls. The ref warned him twice, he didn't listen.

Corner from Simone Biles into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away. Crossfield pass from SpongeBob SquarePants to Simone Biles, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Corner from SpongeBob SquarePants, header from Barry Allen at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored. Authoritative clearance from Barry Allen in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. SpongeBob SquarePants slips Black Flash in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Black Flash picks out Barry Allen with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

SpongeBob SquarePants embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. PENALTY for SpongeBob SquarePants! He is pushed in the back by the defender inside the box. The referee SAW the foul and points to the spot. The PRESSURE is immense! It's saved! SpongeBob SquarePants struck it well enough but the keeper pulled out the save when it mattered most. Beautiful distribution from Sonic the Hedgehog to Quicksilver, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Usain Bolt has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. The Great Khali is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Now Superman — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Quicksilver takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

IShowSpeed shifts it to SpongeBob SquarePants with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming.

Wally West clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Aerial duel won by the cook, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Overlap from the cook with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Good ball from the cook to Superman, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Monster clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to The Great Khali. The Great Khali tries a crossfield ball to Simone Biles but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. SpongeBob SquarePants goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and SpongeBob SquarePants just won it.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. The rapper overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Chipped cross from IShowSpeed over the defence, Superman is underneath it. That is a killer ball. The player gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Short restart from the player to The Great Khali, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Black Flash triggers a change of flanks for Barry Allen, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. The superhero finds The Great Khali along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The Great Khali feeds SpongeBob SquarePants in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Neat one-two between SpongeBob SquarePants and The Great Khali, simple, beautiful, and above all effective.

Get in! The Great Khali and Superman do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Douala Makossa-Corner players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then The Great Khali turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Ball over the top from Superman, Barry Allen had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Barry Allen pops up and pokes the ball with the tip of his boot, classic striker's goal!

Superman falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Sonic the Hedgehog arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

It's in! Lagos No-Carry-Last take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

The tension is unbearable, you can only hear the shouts on the pitch. GOOOOL from Quicksilver! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Simone Biles, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Quicksilver stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Superman follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Great vision from Usain Bolt who switches to Black Flash. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Black Flash crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Lifesaving clearance from Black Flash! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Superman loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. IShowSpeed drops it into space for Simone Biles, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Simone Biles plays it back across the floor in the box, Wally West receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. The shot from Wally West doesn't get through, the defender blocks it with his legs. Well read.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Superman reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Black Flash cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Now here's one for you — Barry Allen was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 180 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show Dragon's Den of Iniquity! To win a genuine Peter Jones raised eyebrow, text 5123 and answer: 'For that reason, how many dragons are typically out?' Back on the pitch and Simone Biles is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Wally West anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Ball in behind from the artistic gymnast, Superman is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. HEROIC rush from Sonic the Hedgehog! He cut the line, narrowed the angle and smothers the lot. MASTERFUL! The player finds The Great Khali with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Sonic the Hedgehog finds Usain Bolt with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Usain Bolt cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Powerful run from IShowSpeed, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. SHOOOOT from IShowSpeed... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Intelligent short corner from Usain Bolt to Superman, they refuse the aerial cross. Superman sets it for Quicksilver, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Quicksilver finds Usain Bolt between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Usain Bolt sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Black Flash. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

The player throws it out to Quicksilver, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Blistering run from Quicksilver on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. The cross from the superhero ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. Lovely take from Sonic the Hedgehog! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Quick throw from Sonic the Hedgehog to Quicksilver out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

The superhero plays it short to Superman, slowing the tempo. In that position, playing the corner with brains rather than brute force is priceless. Superman rolls it to Usain Bolt, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Poor decision from Usain Bolt on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Barry Allen with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Just wide from Quicksilver, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Superman shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Barry Allen goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Janice from Bristol says typically all five dragons are out but they wish you the very best of luck. Raised eyebrow for Janice! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Quick one-two between Quicksilver and Black Flash, clean as you like, they are moving forward. High recovery from Black Flash! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. GOOOOAL! Black Flash was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Emergency clearance from the player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Simone Biles puts it right into the feet of Wally West, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Short build-up from Barry Allen to Simone Biles, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half.

SpongeBob SquarePants plays it to IShowSpeed on the short corner, they stall to draw the defense and create space. Overlap and cross from IShowSpeed, the ball drops at the feet of Black Flash in the heart of the box. Black Flash sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. The player goes long for Black Flash, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Aerial duel won by Black Flash, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Simone Biles sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Wally West pops up between two defenders. Cross from Wally West intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert.

Black Flash paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Black Flash exhales and sits. Brilliant little nugget — Wally West has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. SpongeBob SquarePants takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. The referee's whistle goes against Wally West, caught the opponent late. Wally West's free kick ends up in the wall, no way through. Wally West puts it into the danger zone and it's absolute PANDEMONIUM! The defense clears in desperation!

Diagonal from Wally West to Simone Biles, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Simone Biles sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Huge tackle from The Great Khali! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished.

Disaster! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Sonic the Hedgehog and Barry Allen do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Wally West launches himself at the attacker, no control, no timing. A horror tackle. The crowd is getting restless, VAR is taking forever. What a nerve-wracking wait. The superhero can't complain about VAR! There was no foul, that's the game in that position. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Massive clearance from Barry Allen in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Quicksilver swivels and releases a crossfield pass to SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

A draw. Quicksilver claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Superman tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

Corner from the cook and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital. GOAL for Superman! The ball was loose after the strike from Simone Biles, he was on the prowl and pokes it in!

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Simone Biles clips the heels of the attacker in full flight. Calculated and deliberate. Simone Biles picks up a yellow for a blatant tactical foul. He'll take that trade all day long. Free kick from Simone Biles, an absolute peach that ends in the top corner. The keeper did not move.

Simone Biles rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Sonic the Hedgehog jumps on his back, Sonic the Hedgehog is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Sonic the Hedgehog points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Black Flash comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

The superhero bounces off The Great Khali for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Ball across the ground from Quicksilver, it slides through the entire box and reaches The Great Khali on the penalty spot. The movie actor/actress plays it simple to IShowSpeed, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. IShowSpeed gives it to Black Flash and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, IShowSpeed is away. IShowSpeed finds Simone Biles with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Black Flash: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 28 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Barry Allen ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 28 and 180, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Barry Allen is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

The free kick from SpongeBob SquarePants is superb, it picks out Barry Allen unmarked in the box. Cross blocked from the superhero by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line.

Oh it's gone in! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Corner cleared, the superhero finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Barry Allen goes crossfield to Usain Bolt, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Change of flanks from IShowSpeed, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Superman. The superhero wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Corner from Simone Biles, Black Flash takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down. Almighty boot from The Great Khali who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. The Great Khali spreads it to Barry Allen, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Barry Allen plays the simple ball to Wally West, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Sonic the Hedgehog comes out like a madman and narrows the angle! The attacker tried the chip but the keeper claimed it all. Barry Allen boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. The player climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. The player finds SpongeBob SquarePants with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. The artistic gymnast lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. The player finds Barry Allen with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Barry Allen slides it to Usain Bolt, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

It's over and Montevideo Garra-Charrúa take points. Superman shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Quicksilver walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

The Great Khali launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to SpongeBob SquarePants, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. The cook bends the ball into the box for IShowSpeed. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Oh you MUPPET!! IShowSpeed scores an own goal! The cross from The Great Khali comes in, he tries to cut it out and he hammers it into his own top corner. That is TRAGIC, there is no other word for it.

The Great Khali and Wally West do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Corner from SpongeBob SquarePants and a header from The Great Khali but it goes over! He had to hit the target there. Short distribution from Sonic the Hedgehog to Barry Allen, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The superhero whips in a classic cross for The Great Khali in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

IShowSpeed delivers a tidy ball to Usain Bolt, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Foul by Usain Bolt, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Usain Bolt finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Rehearsed move all week: Sonic the Hedgehog and Barry Allen stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Corner from SpongeBob SquarePants but it is cleared at the near post by a defender. Interception from IShowSpeed who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of IShowSpeed. IShowSpeed plays it simple to Barry Allen, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Wally West sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Quicksilver sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Wally West nods but does not look up. A scouting report from Black Flash's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 28 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' The second period begins and Sonic the Hedgehog launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Quicksilver nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Good ball from Quicksilver to Black Flash, playing it quick between the lines. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Completely wasted cross from Black Flash, the keeper just plucks it out of the air in his six-yard box.

The Great Khali accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! PENALTY for the movie actor/actress! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. Penalty missed by the movie actor/actress! In that position, when the pressure breaks you on a penalty, it's AGONY, but champions bounce back.

Clearance from the player towards SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. It is not happening for SpongeBob SquarePants, the pass to Black Flash is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Inch-perfect tackle by Wally West, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen.

IShowSpeed heads the corner from Quicksilver at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough. The rapper launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. With one swing of the boot, Superman finds Usain Bolt on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Superb tackle from the player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The player plays it simple to Wally West, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Smart pass from Wally West into the hole for The Great Khali, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. The movie actor/actress misplaces his pass to SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Usain Bolt throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Wally West floats a ball towards Superman but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Lightning press from Quicksilver, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon.

Draw against Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Black Flash kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Sonic the Hedgehog does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Good ball from the superhero to Simone Biles, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Simone Biles sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. What composure from Simone Biles! On the pass from The Great Khali, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

Oh what a challenge! Wally West goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Solo raid from Wally West from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Clean lay-off from the superhero to Barry Allen into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. The artistic gymnast gets to the byline and floats one in for The Great Khali. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Counters flying in both directions, both keepers on red alert. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Black Flash frees up the entire channel for Simone Biles with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Burst of speed from the artistic gymnast down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Black Flash to Simone Biles, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Firm pass from SpongeBob SquarePants into Black Flash, right into the boots. No waste. Burst of speed from Black Flash, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Wally West is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Usain Bolt is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A cracking detail — IShowSpeed, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. IShowSpeed sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Sonic the Hedgehog goes long for Wally West, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Wally West launches it to Black Flash on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Quick exchange between Black Flash and Barry Allen, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

The referee sprints over as IShowSpeed flattens the attacker with an agricultural tackle. The rapper sees yellow for endangering an opponent. At that position, he can't afford that kind of recklessness. Lovely cross from the rapper on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Dominant header from SpongeBob SquarePants on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. They press the keeper, he launches one up the pitch into nothing. That is a tackle of the highest order from Superman. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Quicksilver. Pure quality, as per usual. The superhero is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

IShowSpeed fires the ball over to Usain Bolt with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Looping cross from Usain Bolt, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards The Great Khali. Danger. The Great Khali puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

It's over and we've won it! The Great Khali grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Simone Biles pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

High recovery from the rapper who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. IShowSpeed embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. IShowSpeed chips the keeper with an EXQUISITE lob! The ball rises gently, clears the outstretched gloves and drops into the goal. GOAL! You want to APPLAUD even as a neutral!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from IShowSpeed, arms out like an aeroplane. Black Flash follows in like he's skiing. Sonic the Hedgehog arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

They've scored again! Istanbul Cehennem FK are running riot and we can't cope.

Rehearsed move all week: Sonic the Hedgehog and SpongeBob SquarePants stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Sonic the Hedgehog distributes short to Usain Bolt, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Monumental ball from Usain Bolt to The Great Khali, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Header won by The Great Khali, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. The movie actor/actress boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The superhero dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

The superhero plays it simple to SpongeBob SquarePants, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Long ball from SpongeBob SquarePants to Quicksilver, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Superman launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Usain Bolt pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Here's one that'll make you smile — Sonic the Hedgehog spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 28 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Quicksilver high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Stunning tackle by Black Flash in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. SpongeBob SquarePants hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Good cross from the cook for Simone Biles in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

Barry Allen keeps it short to Simone Biles, no frills, just good football intelligence. Nutmeg from the artistic gymnast on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. The artistic gymnast unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon. The corner from Simone Biles is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there. Emergency clearance from Usain Bolt, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Oh dear, Istanbul Cehennem FK have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Sonic the Hedgehog spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. The Great Khali gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Raking ball from the superhero to Black Flash, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Black Flash powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Lovely use of the ball by Black Flash, finding Wally West in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Lay-off from Wally West to Usain Bolt, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Usain Bolt gives it to Black Flash who returns it first time, Usain Bolt ghosts past his man like he does not exist.

Sonic the Hedgehog opts for the short option to The Great Khali, keeping possession, building play, no panic. The movie actor/actress reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Sideways ball from The Great Khali to Wally West, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Wally West lays it off first time to Usain Bolt, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Well spotted by Wally West who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. The timing is everything: Usain Bolt releases the ball at the perfect moment and Simone Biles explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked.

IShowSpeed swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. IShowSpeed bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! IShowSpeed strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Sonic the Hedgehog rolls it short to Barry Allen into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

It's done. Istanbul Cehennem FK win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Quicksilver and Black Flash walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Clever foul by Simone Biles, he breaks up the counter-attack before it develops. Yellow card for the artistic gymnast, a cynical foul to kill the break. It comes with the territory in that role. OOOOH the free kick from Simone Biles! What technique, he curls it, the wall jumps, the ball goes past and IT IS IIIN!

Simone Biles mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Black Flash raises Simone Biles's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

It's there! Milano Piano-Piano tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Sonic the Hedgehog kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Superman takes a knee behind him. Sonic the Hedgehog raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Sonic the Hedgehog smashes a volley towards IShowSpeed, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. IShowSpeed launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while IShowSpeed was flying.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Brilliant switch of play from Quicksilver! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of IShowSpeed. IShowSpeed dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Black Flash lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Wing switch from IShowSpeed, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and SpongeBob SquarePants brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Superman. And you, Barry Allen. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Local pub quiz teams live in fear of IShowSpeed, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 21-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' Kick-off! Wally West wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

The superhero slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Wally West slides a beauty through the gap, Barry Allen is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Sonic the Hedgehog blocks with his entire body! The attacker is smothered, the ball is dead, what a save! Clearance from the player towards Simone Biles, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Massive diagonal from Simone Biles! Quicksilver receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Simone Biles beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Horrific challenge from Simone Biles! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. The artistic gymnast picks up a caution for a high boot. He needs to keep his discipline from that spot. The free kick is taken quickly, Simone Biles to Superman who drives forward immediately. Superman feeds Wally West in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Simone Biles gives it to IShowSpeed from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle. Rapid combination: IShowSpeed to Quicksilver, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Quicksilver fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Barry Allen throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. WHAT A REFLEX from Sonic the Hedgehog! That shot was heading under the bar and he clawed it out with an iron fist!

Terrible timing from IShowSpeed on that challenge, arrives a second late and the attacker breezes past. OHHHH Sonic the Hedgehog pulls off an OUTRAGEOUS fingertip save! The ball was flying under the bar but he flicked it away! Corner from Barry Allen into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Superman boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. The player throws it out to Barry Allen, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Barry Allen wants to find SpongeBob SquarePants between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Tidy restart from Sonic the Hedgehog along the deck to The Great Khali, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. The Great Khali pings a long diagonal to Quicksilver, completely shifts the point of attack. Great overlap from Quicksilver down the flank, pinpoint cross for Simone Biles in the area. This is the moment. Cross blocked from Simone Biles, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending.

Full time and it's level. Quicksilver stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Barry Allen grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Barry Allen sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. GOOOAL for The Great Khali! On the cross from Quicksilver, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Barry Allen climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Simone Biles films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

SpongeBob SquarePants loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Sonic the Hedgehog pushes it away with the tips of his fingers and the ball goes out for a corner! MIRACLE save! Corner from Barry Allen, Wally West finds himself unmarked for the header but sends it wide. Unforgivable.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Usain Bolt sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Usain Bolt goes in recklessly on the attacker, studs showing! The referee blows immediately. Usain Bolt is off! A wild, uncontrolled lunge, studs raking down the opponent's shin. Horrific. The free kick from Usain Bolt is played with a deft touch to The Great Khali, well-drilled combination.

Simone Biles plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for IShowSpeed in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. IShowSpeed trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! SpongeBob SquarePants had done it all, what an absolute waste. Long ball from Sonic the Hedgehog for SpongeBob SquarePants who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Wall combination between Simone Biles and Superman, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. The offside trap works a treat, Simone Biles is caught out as Black Flash plays the ball forward. Sonic the Hedgehog sends an absolute rocket towards Simone Biles, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Quick exchange between Simone Biles and Superman, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Barry Allen paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Barry Allen exhales and sits. Usain Bolt once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 40-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' And the second half is go! Black Flash charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

The superhero plays it simple to Black Flash, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Black Flash crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Usain Bolt is there to meet it. Ball plucked out of the air by Sonic the Hedgehog, total composure.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Black Flash spreads the play and finds Barry Allen in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Barry Allen explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

Heroic recovery from the superhero, covers the entire pitch to come and help out. In that role, it's that warrior mentality that makes all the difference. Cynical challenge by Wally West, he chops down the attacker at the halfway line. The superhero is booked for a professional foul. Players in that position know exactly when to stop the play. Free kick blocked for the superhero! In that position, when the wall stands firm, it's ROUTINE in football, you have to keep the faith. SpongeBob SquarePants sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear.

It's there! Sevilla Olé-Olé hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Sonic the Hedgehog climbs onto Barry Allen's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Sonic the Hedgehog circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Magnificent reading of the game from Barry Allen, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Barry Allen hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Massive punt from Sonic the Hedgehog, sends the ball sixty yards, SpongeBob SquarePants is scrapping for it up top. Burst of speed from the cook down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Lovely anticipation from the superhero who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. The superhero has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. The Great Khali tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

Points shared with Sevilla Olé-Olé. Simone Biles slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Quicksilver has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

That's a beauty from Barry Allen! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Barry Allen takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. GOOOOAL for Barry Allen! He plays SpongeBob SquarePants in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Barry Allen climbs onto Quicksilver's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Sonic the Hedgehog circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Lovely use of the ball by SpongeBob SquarePants, finding Superman in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The superhero takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Superman mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Booking for the superhero, that kind of reckless challenge can let the whole team down. The superhero fires into the wall from the free kick! In that position, it's a CLASSIC, the wall wins sometimes, but persistence always pays off.

The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for SpongeBob SquarePants. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. SpongeBob SquarePants is flagged offside, frustrating for Quicksilver who played a lovely ball through. IShowSpeed clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

The player goes long for Wally West, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Good ball from the superhero to Usain Bolt, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Usain Bolt charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Usain Bolt sends a delightful lobbed cross, the ball clears the defence and drops for SpongeBob SquarePants. Header from the cook, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

PENALTY! Barry Allen is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! Penalty missed by the superhero! In that position, sending a penalty wide is HEARTBREAKING, but you have to pick yourself up.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Superman nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Black Flash is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Wally West reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 28-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Sonic the Hedgehog leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The artistic gymnast opens up to Usain Bolt on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Lazy pass from Usain Bolt, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. SpongeBob SquarePants chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Free kick from SpongeBob SquarePants to the near post, Simone Biles gets a flick on it.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. OHHH the leg save from Sonic the Hedgehog! He was beaten but his leg came across to deny the goal! Sonic the Hedgehog hoofs it forward towards IShowSpeed, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Simone Biles sees what nobody else sees and puts IShowSpeed through on goal with a genius through ball. The rapper is caught offside by millimetres on Wally West's pass, what a cruel call.

Short restart from the player to Superman, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Switch from Superman! The ball arcs over the midfield and Black Flash collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Dummy from Black Flash, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done.

They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. Black Flash with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Monster clearance from Black Flash! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

Brilliant! Black Flash goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. SpongeBob SquarePants photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Firm pass from Black Flash into Superman, right into the boots. No waste. Wall pass between the superhero and Usain Bolt, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. OOOOH the GOAL from Superman! He picks up the ball, dribbles, dribbles again and rounds the keeper. Pure cinema!

Black Flash kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. IShowSpeed takes a knee behind him. Sonic the Hedgehog raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Sideways ball from SpongeBob SquarePants to Barry Allen, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The superhero beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Barry Allen links up with SpongeBob SquarePants, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. The player Sonic the Hedgehog arrives in the box, head high, still believing. Enormous leap from the superhero who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. One touch football: Superman to The Great Khali, faster than the opposition can think.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Black Flash switches the play to Wally West on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Huge aerial duel won by Wally West, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Quick exchange between Wally West and Quicksilver, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

IShowSpeed cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Sonic the Hedgehog's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 28-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8383 and answer this question: 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?' And they are off! Black Flash touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Simone Biles strings together a series of step-overs and puts the defender on the floor. He is an artist. Burst of pace from Simone Biles on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Pinpoint delivery from the artistic gymnast towards IShowSpeed, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. IShowSpeed gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post. Sonic the Hedgehog lumps it long towards Usain Bolt, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Barry Allen drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Superman read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Superman fires wide, not far from the post though! Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. A tug on the shirt from Usain Bolt, the opponent can't get away. Free kick.

Usain Bolt plays it simple to The Great Khali, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The Great Khali reaches the byline and cuts it back for Wally West arriving from the second wave. Superb leap from Wally West who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Good ball from the superhero to Quicksilver, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Overlap from Usain Bolt on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. The referee points to the spot! PENALTY for Usain Bolt! The defender fouled him in the box, impossible NOT to give it. The pressure goes up a NOTCH! Usain Bolt has bottled it! The penalty flies wide, he's got his head in his hands.

Short build-up from Superman to Simone Biles, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Quicksilver presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football.

They've nicked a goal! London Three-Pints catch us cold on the break.

Sonic the Hedgehog kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Usain Bolt takes a knee behind him. Sonic the Hedgehog raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Dribble from Quicksilver in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Quicksilver flies in with a scissor tackle on the attacker, completely out of control! Yellow card. Quicksilver left his foot in after the challenge, clearly deliberate. Free kick played short by Quicksilver and Simone Biles, the opposition did not see that one coming. Simone Biles rolls it to Quicksilver, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Tough one against London Three-Pints. Usain Bolt and IShowSpeed are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?'. The answer was of course fourteen, or twenty-seven if someone says 'right then' before standing up. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.