My dream soccer team — football_team 🇿🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

Emiliano Martínez smashes a volley towards Nuno Mendes, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Enormous leap from Nuno Mendes who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Nuno Mendes rises to the heavens and plants his header on the pass from Ben Sheaf! The keeper was a spectator, GOOOAL!

Solidarity move: Emiliano Martínez grabs Matty James who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Matty James a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Perry Ng spreads it to Virgil van Dijk, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. One laser pass from Virgil van Dijk and the entire defence is eliminated, Kieffer Moore is through on goal. The space is enormous. BOOOOOM! Kieffer Moore sends a BOMB from 25 yards, the keeper just watched the ball fly past!

Perry Ng does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Virgil van Dijk launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Emiliano Martínez arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

It's a goal for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Rapid combination: Jamie Tartt to Roy Kent, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Step-overs from Roy Kent, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Roy Kent lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Emiliano Martínez sparks the transition with a quick throw to Perry Ng, the break is lightning fast.

Virgil van Dijk launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Virgil van Dijk decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path.

Virgil van Dijk rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Roy Kent glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Incredible scenes last summer when Emiliano Martínez was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 34 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Kieffer Moore is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. OHHH Matty James rises and heads it just wide! That was so close! Emiliano Martínez rolls it short to Kieffer Moore into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Roy Kent launches himself on the corner from Gareth Bale and powers a header but it is off target. Virgil van Dijk launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Nuno Mendes to Perry Ng, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

And it's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Emiliano Martínez climbs onto Virgil van Dijk's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Emiliano Martínez circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Smooth transition from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Roy Kent, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The referee spots the foul by Roy Kent, a push in the back on the opponent. Deserved booking for Roy Kent, he'd been getting away with murder all half.

Nuno Mendes hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. The cross from Gareth Bale is miles away from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, completely off the mark.

Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Kieffer Moore releases Perry Ng with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Perry Ng gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Gareth Bale just needs to sidefoot it home. Gareth Bale shoots but the defender gets his body in at just the right moment. Shot neutralised, defence breathes again.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Emiliano Martínez smothers the ball at the attacker's feet! Surgical rush, duel won. Enormous clearance from Virgil van Dijk inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Kieffer Moore anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

Perfect parity. Emiliano Martínez slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Nuno Mendes watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Emiliano Martínez finds Virgil van Dijk with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Virgil van Dijk loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Headed goal for Ben Sheaf from the perfect cross by Gareth Bale, the keeper is beaten.

Emiliano Martínez scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Ben Sheaf is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Solo run from Kieffer Moore, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. GOOOAL! Kieffer Moore plays football of the highest order! He beats his opponents one by one and finishes with composure!

Perry Ng sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Roy Kent. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Roy Kent gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Well spotted by Kieffer Moore who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Brilliant switch of play from Kieffer Moore! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Roy Kent.

And that's a goal! México No-Era-Penal extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Emiliano Martínez runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Emiliano Martínez tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Emiliano Martínez fires it out quickly by hand to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Mbekezeli Mbokazi triggers a change of flanks for Kieffer Moore, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Kieffer Moore wants to find Jamie Tartt between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Monster clearance from Kieffer Moore! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Emiliano Martínez is leaning back with {his} feet up, 195 cm of pure relaxation. Gareth Bale is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A Ryanair mix-up saw Emiliano Martínez land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 34-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a year's membership to the National Trust, text 3210 and answer: 'What is the correct pronunciation of scone?' They are back. Gareth Bale salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Kieffer Moore anticipates the run from Virgil van Dijk and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Virgil van Dijk is flagged offside, frustrating for Roy Kent who played a lovely ball through. Monster clearance from Emiliano Martínez, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Nuno Mendes. Magnificent tackle from Nuno Mendes! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger.

Nuno Mendes opens up to Perry Ng on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Perry Ng tries a crossfield ball to Matty James but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Mbekezeli Mbokazi charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Mbekezeli Mbokazi shifts it to Nuno Mendes with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Step-over from Nuno Mendes, he ghosts past his man in one move!

Corner from Gareth Bale, Nuno Mendes finds himself unmarked for the header but sends it wide. Unforgivable. Gareth Bale lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Kieffer Moore pings a long diagonal to Matty James, completely shifts the point of attack.

Short distribution from Emiliano Martínez to Jamie Tartt, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Jamie Tartt launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Kieffer Moore, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Kieffer Moore crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Jamie Tartt is there to meet it.

Free kick to the opponents. Gareth Bale caught his man with a stray leg. Gareth Bale is cautioned for dissent. The referee's patience finally ran out. The free kick from Gareth Bale is played short, Mbekezeli Mbokazi receives and goes immediately. Mbekezeli Mbokazi fires wide, not far from the post though!

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Kieffer Moore takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Kieffer Moore finds Ben Sheaf with a pull-back, right in the middle of the box. The kind of ball that wins matches. OHHH what a strike from Ben Sheaf! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

FULL TIME! Mbekezeli Mbokazi jumps on Perry Ng's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. México No-Era-Penal shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Derek from Tunbridge Wells says it rhymes with gone and the entire studio audience has erupted into civil war. He still gets the membership though. Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

Moment of truth, heroes rise or hearts break. Roy Kent gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Kieffer Moore. OHHH the HEEEEADER from Kieffer Moore! Sumptuous diving header on the delivery from Gareth Bale, the keeper had no chance!

Roy Kent climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Matty James films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The free kick from Gareth Bale lands right on Mbekezeli Mbokazi in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Oh no no no no Mbekezeli Mbokazi what have you DONE! Own goal! The cross from Jamie Tartt comes in, he closes his eyes, gets his head on it and BOOM it is in his own goal! NOOOOOOO! The finest OG of the season, a true MASTERPIECE of misfortune!

Oh it's gone in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Massive punt from Emiliano Martínez, sends the ball sixty yards, Mbekezeli Mbokazi is scrapping for it up top. Mbekezeli Mbokazi slides it to Matty James, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Matty James slips Ben Sheaf in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Ben Sheaf powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Ben Sheaf curls a cross to the near post, Virgil van Dijk is lurking in the box.

Huge interception from Perry Ng! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Telepathic pass from Perry Ng to Virgil van Dijk, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. What a DUEL from Emiliano Martínez! He narrowed the angle to the maximum, the attacker shot, but the keeper claimed it all. Emiliano Martínez plays out from the back with Ben Sheaf, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Emiliano Martínez has covered seven kilometres already." Mbekezeli Mbokazi shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Emiliano Martínez fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Ben Sheaf holds the dressing room record for keeping a Fruit Pastille in the mouth without chewing for 47 minutes. At 28, the achievement is engraved on a plaque above the physio's door. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Emiliano Martínez high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Classy interception from Nuno Mendes, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Lovely use of the ball by Nuno Mendes, finding Mbekezeli Mbokazi in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Mbekezeli Mbokazi strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. Mbekezeli Mbokazi puts the ball right into the mixer, Perry Ng arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Perry Ng connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not.

Surging run from Gareth Bale from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Textbook lay-off from Gareth Bale to Matty James who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Offside trap catches Matty James out. Perry Ng played it quickly but not quickly enough.

Matty James pulls off a rainbow flick over the defender, that is freestyle football in a competitive match. Lay-off from Matty James to Kieffer Moore, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Effort from Kieffer Moore, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. Emiliano Martínez plays it short to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Sideways ball from Perry Ng to Virgil van Dijk, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Shifting pass from Virgil van Dijk to Jamie Tartt, the ball drifts into the free zone and Jamie Tartt is onto it in two strides. Cut-back from Jamie Tartt along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Virgil van Dijk centrally.

Perry Ng hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Emiliano Martínez sends an absolute rocket towards Matty James, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Matty James swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Gareth Bale, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Gareth Bale puts Roy Kent in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. BANG! Roy Kent hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

Little shift from Roy Kent to Virgil van Dijk, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Virgil van Dijk overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Virgil van Dijk reaches the byline and cuts it back for Jamie Tartt arriving from the second wave. Emiliano Martínez grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands.

It's all over and it's OURS! Ben Sheaf leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Mbekezeli Mbokazi picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Ben Sheaf's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! GOOOOAL! Mbekezeli Mbokazi arrives at full pelt in the box, the cross from Roy Kent is perfect, he just has to score!

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. JUST WIIIIIDE from Matty James! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Beautiful distribution from Emiliano Martínez to Perry Ng, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Perry Ng feeds Roy Kent in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Ferocious press from Jamie Tartt! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Killer ball from Jamie Tartt through the gap! Roy Kent bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. That is a tackle of the highest order from Roy Kent. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

Added time, keepers pushing their limits, strikers still believe. Perry Ng is tying his boots for the third time in the half. Shoulder charge from Perry Ng on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. The free kick from Perry Ng sails across the entire box, Matty James is at the back post waiting. WHAT A HEADER from Matty James! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking.

Instinctive clearance from Perry Ng who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Wing switch from Perry Ng, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Jamie Tartt brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Overlap from Jamie Tartt with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Jamie Tartt attempts a cross but it is badly weighted, the keeper claims with no pressure. Emiliano Martínez catapults the ball towards Ben Sheaf from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Emiliano Martínez rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Gareth Bale glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." A former teammate has revealed that Matty James once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 178, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Nuno Mendes high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Almighty boot from Nuno Mendes who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. Looping cross from Gareth Bale, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Perry Ng. Danger.

Quick throw from Emiliano Martínez to Virgil van Dijk out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. One touch football: Virgil van Dijk to Perry Ng, faster than the opposition can think. The overlap from Perry Ng, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Lob from Perry Ng over the entire defence, Ben Sheaf finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on.

Jamie Tartt embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. PENALTY awarded by the referee! Jamie Tartt has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! Jamie Tartt takes the penalty and it rattles the woodwork! It comes back out, no goal! Long ball from Emiliano Martínez for Nuno Mendes who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Emiliano Martínez hoofs it forward towards Kieffer Moore, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Header lost by Kieffer Moore, the opponent took the elevator while Kieffer Moore stayed on the ground floor. Perfect aerial claim from Emiliano Martínez! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. Good ball from Kieffer Moore to Gareth Bale, playing it quick between the lines. Quick exchange between Gareth Bale and Virgil van Dijk, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Individual run from Roy Kent, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Magnificent shift from Roy Kent! Nuno Mendes picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Nuno Mendes strays offside on Matty James's ball. A metre ahead of the last defender at least.

1-1. Matty James and Virgil van Dijk are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Matty James. "Next time," replies Virgil van Dijk. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Everyone is sprinting, even the subs are banging on the hoardings. Stunning scenes, Emiliano Martínez abandoning his goal and taking a position in the opposition area. What a LEAP from Gareth Bale! He climbs higher than anyone on the delivery from Kieffer Moore and scores with his head. GOAL!

Perry Ng with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Powerful run from Perry Ng, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. GOOOOOAL! Perry Ng lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Gareth Bale and the ball nestles in the corner!

Gareth Bale plays the simple ball to Perry Ng, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Perry Ng finds Matty James with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Matty James winds up and FIRES but the defender gets his body in the way and the ball rebounds. Frustrating. Authoritative clearance from Mbekezeli Mbokazi in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Perry Ng is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better.

Long ball from Roy Kent to Kieffer Moore, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Kieffer Moore crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Header from Kieffer Moore, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target.

What a mess! Douala Makossa-Corner capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Perry Ng is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Nuno Mendes adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Here's one that'll make you smile — Nuno Mendes spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 24 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Here come the lads. Emiliano Martínez jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. What a ball from Gareth Bale! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Jamie Tartt is away on his own. That is velvet. Jamie Tartt makes the run but he's gone too soon. Virgil van Dijk's pass comes a split second late. Driven kick from Emiliano Martínez to Virgil van Dijk, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Short build-up from Virgil van Dijk to Nuno Mendes, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Mbekezeli Mbokazi picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Brilliant opening from Mbekezeli Mbokazi for Nuno Mendes, frees up the entire left flank.

Ben Sheaf plays the free kick as a cross, Kieffer Moore finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Kieffer Moore powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Change of flanks from Perry Ng, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Nuno Mendes.

Emiliano Martínez distributes by hand to Mbekezeli Mbokazi on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Lazy pass from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect.

Big clearance from Perry Ng under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Emiliano Martínez goes long for Gareth Bale, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Huge tackle from Gareth Bale! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Matty James changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Mbekezeli Mbokazi. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Mbekezeli Mbokazi wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Blistering run from Mbekezeli Mbokazi on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Mbekezeli Mbokazi gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Perry Ng is there to meet it. BLOCKED by the defender! Perry Ng was unlucky there, good shot but even better block.

What a performance! Kieffer Moore exchanges jerseys with the Douala Makossa-Corner skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Perry Ng just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Gareth Bale picks out Nuno Mendes with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Nuno Mendes unleashes one that smashes off the bar and bounces out! The keeper hadn't moved! Roy Kent does the STRIKER'S JOB! On the perfect pass from Ben Sheaf, he prods it in at point-blank range. GOAL!

Gareth Bale kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Perry Ng takes a knee behind him. Emiliano Martínez raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Gareth Bale puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears. The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Matty James. Pure quality, as per usual. Quick one-two between Matty James and Jamie Tartt, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The player overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi looks up and launches a long pass towards Ben Sheaf. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Ben Sheaf drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Jamie Tartt. Cross blocked from the player by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Matty James clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Unbelievable! Lagos No-Carry-Last score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Mbekezeli Mbokazi threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Gareth Bale bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. That's been flagged. Gareth Bale was in an offside position when Kieffer Moore played it through. Long kick from Emiliano Martínez, Nuno Mendes positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Nuno Mendes finds Roy Kent between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Jamie Tartt: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Ben Sheaf, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Club sources confirm Gareth Bale has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 37, the 185-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Nuno Mendes sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Crossfield pass from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Jamie Tartt, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Jamie Tartt eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

Devastating burst of pace from Matty James, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Matty James lays it off for Nuno Mendes in the danger zone, the striker is loaded and ready. That is SHAMEFUUUUL! Nuno Mendes just had to push it in after the pass from Kieffer Moore and he has made a meal of it. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Jamie Tartt charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. The player loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere.

Roy Kent combines with Kieffer Moore from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation. Kieffer Moore unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Jamie Tartt weights his pass into the space for Perry Ng who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

Nutmeg from Jamie Tartt on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Blatant dive from the player, the defender didn't touch him. Yellow card, and rightly so. The ref flashes yellow at Jamie Tartt, that dive was an insult to everyone's intelligence. The wall is impenetrable! Jamie Tartt's free kick is blocked straight away. Corner from Mbekezeli Mbokazi well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably.

Level. Emiliano Martínez picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Kieffer Moore waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Majestic individual run from Ben Sheaf, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Ben Sheaf is knocked off balance in the box by the defender. The referee looks, blows and points to the SPOT. PENALTY! The tension is thick enough to cut with a KNIFE! GOOOAL! Ben Sheaf sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Ben Sheaf. Roy Kent is on his knees clapping, Emiliano Martínez is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if. Cross from Gareth Bale, he puts it on the far post for Jamie Tartt. Header won by Jamie Tartt, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Ben Sheaf gives it to Perry Ng into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Perfect low cut-back from Perry Ng, the ball slides across the box and Ben Sheaf just has to finish. Emiliano Martínez tips the shot around the post! Strong hand, cat-like reflexes, absolutely MASSIVE.

Virgil van Dijk boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Matty James launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Matty James was flying. Powerful run from Matty James down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Matty James lays it off first time to Perry Ng, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Crafty ball from Jamie Tartt into the gap, Virgil van Dijk arrives into the space and collects on the move. Virgil van Dijk is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Kieffer Moore's passes. Emergency clearance from Ben Sheaf, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Emiliano Martínez plays it along the ground to Ben Sheaf, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Gareth Bale is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Gareth Bale: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Matty James has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 35, the 178-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' The second period begins and Mbekezeli Mbokazi launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Perry Ng is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Ohh dear, Emiliano Martínez spills the ball into the middle! Thankfully the defence hacks it clear in panic. Short restart from Emiliano Martínez to Virgil van Dijk, building from the back nice and tidy. Virgil van Dijk delivers a tidy ball to Nuno Mendes, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Disaster! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Emiliano Martínez launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Perry Ng after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Attempted pass from Perry Ng to Gareth Bale, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Gareth Bale shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Gareth Bale spots Nuno Mendes in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Cross from the right by Nuno Mendes, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Roy Kent at the back post.

Emiliano Martínez boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Kieffer Moore! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Superb defensive work from Kieffer Moore there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Line-breaking pass from Matty James! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Roy Kent picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Roy Kent produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

Emiliano Martínez opts for the short option to Kieffer Moore, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Kieffer Moore unleashes a raking ball out to Gareth Bale, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Gareth Bale wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Lightning overlap from Gareth Bale, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Gareth Bale tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Level score. Jamie Tartt screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Perry Ng boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Gareth Bale drops the ball in from the free kick, Matty James arrives at the near post. NOOOOOO! Matty James puts it in the back of his OWN net! He tried to clear the ball but it ends up in his own goal. His keeper stares at him in DISBELIEF, this is an absolute NIGHTMARE.

Panicked clearance from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Roy Kent sets it for Nuno Mendes, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Nuno Mendes sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal.

Matty James embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. No luck for Matty James, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Stoppage time! It's not over yet, anything can still happen. Gareth Bale rolls it to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Fantastic high recovery from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

Perry Ng keeps it short to Roy Kent, no frills, just good football intelligence. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Mbekezeli Mbokazi: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Here's a belter — Matty James is genuinely terrified of pigeons. Absolutely petrified. The lads had to escort him through Trafalgar Square last summer and he was clinging to the physio like a child. He's 178 and built like a shed, but one pigeon and he's gone. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' Virgil van Dijk leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Emiliano Martínez throws it out quickly to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Mbekezeli Mbokazi takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Mbekezeli Mbokazi thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Matty James wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Massive clearance from Matty James in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Tidy restart from Emiliano Martínez along the deck to Kieffer Moore, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Kieffer Moore to Nuno Mendes, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Nuno Mendes plays it simple to Ben Sheaf, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Ben Sheaf steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Ben Sheaf sends the free kick in front of goal, Mbekezeli Mbokazi leaps to try the header.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Ben Sheaf tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

And it's in! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Emiliano Martínez rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Ben Sheaf jumps on his back, Emiliano Martínez is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. Stunning tackle by Mbekezeli Mbokazi in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. The timing is everything: Mbekezeli Mbokazi releases the ball at the perfect moment and Nuno Mendes explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. SHOOOOOT from Nuno Mendes, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Massive recovery run from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, comes out of nowhere to snuff out the attack! Free kick conceded by Mbekezeli Mbokazi, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down.

Points shared with Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Nuno Mendes slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Mbekezeli Mbokazi has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Matty James clatters into the opponent to stop a three-on-two. Pragmatic to the core. Yellow card. Matty James grabbed the shirt and dragged the man back. Textbook professional foul. GOOOOAL! Matty James winds up his free kick and sends a MISSILE into the top corner. The keeper did not even move!

Nuno Mendes dives in studs first on the attacker, completely mistimed and extremely dangerous. Booking for Nuno Mendes, the follow-through caught the opponent. Borderline at best. The free kick from Nuno Mendes is superb, it picks out Matty James unmarked in the box. Matty James wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

Pull-back from Roy Kent inside the area for Mbekezeli Mbokazi, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. Mbekezeli Mbokazi wastes the gift from Gareth Bale, open goal staring at him and he fires wide. You cannot miss those. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. Mbekezeli Mbokazi can't believe his eyes, his yellow has become red after VAR! Mbekezeli Mbokazi has gone absolutely mental! Grabs the opponent and throws him to the floor. Off he goes. Short free kick, Mbekezeli Mbokazi gives it to Kieffer Moore who finds himself with space to work with.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Last second, Emiliano Martínez charging into the opposition box, absolute mayhem. Magnificent leap from Mbekezeli Mbokazi who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Mbekezeli Mbokazi links up with Virgil van Dijk, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Mbekezeli Mbokazi: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." We're told that Nuno Mendes once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' And the second half is go! Virgil van Dijk charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Knee slide from Emiliano Martínez right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Ben Sheaf does the same down the line. Emiliano Martínez turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Perry Ng puts it right into the feet of Mbekezeli Mbokazi, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Monumental ball from Virgil van Dijk to Perry Ng, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Firm pass from Ben Sheaf into Nuno Mendes, right into the boots. No waste. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Nuno Mendes strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Perry Ng launches it to Ben Sheaf on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Perry Ng lays it off first time to Jamie Tartt, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Sharp turn from Jamie Tartt, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Effort from Jamie Tartt, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal. Corner cleared, the player finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Clearance from Perry Ng under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Matty James plays the free kick quickly to Ben Sheaf, they catch the defence napping. Ben Sheaf spreads it to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Corner from Ben Sheaf and Gareth Bale rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. Emiliano Martínez lumps it long towards Nuno Mendes, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Oh what a challenge! Nuno Mendes goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Draw. Kieffer Moore sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Mbekezeli Mbokazi waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Phenomenal run from Gareth Bale, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. Gareth Bale receives the ball in the box, the defender arrives late and brings him down! PENALTY! The referee points to the spot, this is a decision that could change EVERYTHING! What COMPOSURE from Gareth Bale on this penalty! He waits until the last moment, places his shot and it is in. GOAL!

Gareth Bale spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Roy Kent gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Lay-off from Ben Sheaf to Gareth Bale, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Gareth Bale bounces off Nuno Mendes, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. GOOOOOAL! Gareth Bale goes solo and it is a FESTIVAL! He beats three opponents and rounds the keeper!

Ben Sheaf sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Virgil van Dijk photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

They've done it! Rio Malandro FC find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Emiliano Martínez fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Virgil van Dijk plays the medic running in. Emiliano Martínez plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Emiliano Martínez takes his time and plays it short to Ben Sheaf. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Aerial duel lost by Ben Sheaf, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. Emiliano Martínez soars to his left and palms the strike around the post! The keeper is defying the laws of gravity! The corner from Roy Kent lands on the head of Perry Ng but the ball flies over. He had to do better.

Crunching tackle by Perry Ng on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Lay-off from Perry Ng to Matty James, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Ground pass from Matty James into the free zone for Roy Kent, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Roy Kent tries to find Jamie Tartt but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Mbekezeli Mbokazi with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Kieffer Moore, you go left. Matty James, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Now Perry Ng has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 30 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' And we are back underway! Emiliano Martínez jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Emiliano Martínez distributes short to Matty James, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Superb leap from Matty James who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Matty James boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Roy Kent wins the header and flicks it on for Ben Sheaf. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Roy Kent shifts it to Nuno Mendes with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Little shift from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Nuno Mendes, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Overlap and cross from Nuno Mendes, the ball drops at the feet of Gareth Bale in the heart of the box. Gareth Bale sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far. Emiliano Martínez lumps it long towards Nuno Mendes, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Switch from Nuno Mendes! The ball arcs over the midfield and Perry Ng collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Foul by Kieffer Moore in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Free kick taken by Kieffer Moore but it goes wide right, the keeper did not even have to move.

Jamie Tartt climbs above everyone on the corner from Gareth Bale but his header is too wide. Gareth Bale boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Virgil van Dijk is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Perry Ng absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Oh dear oh dear! Rio Malandro FC score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Emiliano Martínez fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Matty James plays the medic running in. Emiliano Martínez plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Great vision from Perry Ng who switches to Kieffer Moore. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Kieffer Moore floats it into the gap for Matty James, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Overlap from Matty James on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Matty James squares it back for Virgil van Dijk, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Virgil van Dijk slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Massive diagonal from Virgil van Dijk! Ben Sheaf receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Ben Sheaf jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel. OHHH Emiliano Martínez pulls off an OUTRAGEOUS save! That shot was heading top bins but the keeper got across!

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Roy Kent shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Emiliano Martínez goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Emiliano Martínez fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Matty James plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Perry Ng reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Kieffer Moore touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Perry Ng mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Kieffer Moore does the wave with contortionist grace. Emiliano Martínez solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

The pile at the corner flag. Emiliano Martínez is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Emiliano Martínez arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. WHAT A SAVE from Emiliano Martínez! Rushing out at the feet, the ball is gathered. One-on-one WON! Beautiful distribution from Emiliano Martínez to Kieffer Moore, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Kieffer Moore cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Blistering solo run from Kieffer Moore, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Jamie Tartt shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Emiliano Martínez hoofs it forward towards Jamie Tartt, clearance mode, no time to mess about. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Virgil van Dijk grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Matty James is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. A plumber was called to Ben Sheaf's house after the 28-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' The gaffer gives Matty James one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Matty James runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Matty James drops it into space for Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Foul by Matty James on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Matty James goes for a direct free kick but it's blocked by the wall. Well positioned. Corner from Roy Kent, deflected at the near post, ricochets, CHAOS! Defense clears off the line!

Perry Ng meets the corner from Ben Sheaf with a header, it drifts wide of the post. Mbekezeli Mbokazi clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Header lost by Matty James, the opponent was just too strong. Nuno Mendes launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Massive clearance from Virgil van Dijk, just get the ball as far away as possible. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight.

Emiliano Martínez hoofs it forward towards Matty James, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Matty James slips Nuno Mendes in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Nuno Mendes shifts it to Ben Sheaf with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Ben Sheaf leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Ben Sheaf delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Matty James is there to receive.

Kieffer Moore slips Perry Ng in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Perry Ng spots Nuno Mendes peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Nuno Mendes gets down the left and pulls it back low, Roy Kent is stationed on the penalty spot.

Perfectly executed challenge by Perry Ng, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Perry Ng heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Perry Ng is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. Emiliano Martínez rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Full time. Mbekezeli Mbokazi applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Jamie Tartt joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Masterful reading from Nuno Mendes who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. GOOOAL from the player! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Gareth Bale lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Perry Ng down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Perry Ng sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Perry Ng dinks his cross over the defensive curtain for Nuno Mendes, the kind of delivery that brings the crowd to its feet. HEAAAAADER from Nuno Mendes! He launches himself at the cross from Ben Sheaf but it goes just over!

Textbook one-two between Nuno Mendes and Jamie Tartt. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. Nuno Mendes drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Gareth Bale is free inside the eighteen-yard box. Emiliano Martínez repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Emiliano Martínez sends an absolute rocket towards Nuno Mendes, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Nuno Mendes looks for Matty James with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

Absolutely immense from Perry Ng! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Just wide from Ben Sheaf, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Nuno Mendes slides a beauty through the gap, Virgil van Dijk is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Virgil van Dijk picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Virgil van Dijk floats a cross in from the wing for Matty James, the ball hangs in the box! Matty James swings it in and it's BEDLAM in the box! The defense is clinging on for dear life!

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Emiliano Martínez winces. Perry Ng looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Gareth Bale is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 185, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Matty James leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

It's a goal! Milano Piano-Piano go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Emiliano Martínez runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Kieffer Moore joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The press from Gareth Bale pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Gareth Bale pounces. A forced gift. Gareth Bale slides it to Virgil van Dijk, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The wall from Gareth Bale is perfect for Virgil van Dijk who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football.

Nuno Mendes reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Roy Kent rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side. Corner from Roy Kent into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with.

Matty James pulls off a sombrero flick over the defender in open play, the opponent is humiliated. Matty James charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Matty James fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Virgil van Dijk throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Virgil van Dijk climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste. Emiliano Martínez distributes short to Perry Ng, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Powerful effort from Gareth Bale, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now. Gareth Bale sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Roy Kent in the thick of it. Roy Kent jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him.

Full time and it's level. Matty James stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Kieffer Moore grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-3 (L)

Rapid combination: Nuno Mendes to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Mbekezeli Mbokazi feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. What a GOAL from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! On the cross from Ben Sheaf, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Dead defender. Nuno Mendes mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Perry Ng completes the choreography by collapsing. Emiliano Martínez arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Ball in behind from the player, Mbekezeli Mbokazi is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Mbekezeli Mbokazi pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Knee slide from Jamie Tartt right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Roy Kent does the same down the line. Emiliano Martínez turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Lifesaving clearance from Virgil van Dijk! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Kieffer Moore spreads it to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Mbekezeli Mbokazi shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear.

Corner from Matty James, Ben Sheaf takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down. Emiliano Martínez rolls it short to Roy Kent into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Roy Kent attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. High recovery from Ben Sheaf! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. GO ON Ben Sheaf! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Ben Sheaf sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Roy Kent is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Kieffer Moore once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 34-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Gareth Bale wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi drops a lofted ball to Jamie Tartt, it sails over the entire midfield line. Jamie Tartt drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

Nuno Mendes boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Jamie Tartt rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Gareth Bale. The far side is completely deserted. Gareth Bale looks up and swings in a floated cross, Kieffer Moore rises among the defenders. The opponent dominates Kieffer Moore in the air with worrying ease. Kieffer Moore did not have the tools to compete on that one. Emiliano Martínez comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority.

Oh no, it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Emiliano Martínez fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Ben Sheaf plays the medic running in. Emiliano Martínez plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Lay-off from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Jamie Tartt out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Ball across the ground from Jamie Tartt, it slides through the entire box and reaches Kieffer Moore on the penalty spot. BLOCKED from Kieffer Moore! The defender threw his body at it and the ball ricocheted away.

Quick one-two between Jamie Tartt and Matty James, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Matty James feeds Roy Kent in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Nutmeg from Roy Kent, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. CRAAACKER from Roy Kent outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Gareth Bale puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Overlap on the left from Gareth Bale, floated cross towards Roy Kent who rises highest at the far post. Roy Kent puts too much power on his cross, it flies through the box and out for a throw.

Rapid combination: Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Jamie Tartt, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Jamie Tartt spreads the play and finds Perry Ng in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin.

Full time. Jamie Tartt applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Matty James joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Firm pass from Ben Sheaf into Gareth Bale, right into the boots. No waste. POSSSSST! Gareth Bale rattles the woodwork! The keeper was beaten, that is SO cruel! Roy Kent is on the prowl for the rebound and prods it in from two yards, pure poacher.

Ben Sheaf runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Nuno Mendes gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Agony for Roy Kent! Lovely finish from Ben Sheaf's pass but the linesman spotted the offside! The referee jogs over to the screen, both sets of players watching his every move. Massive call coming. The review is complete and Perry Ng's goal is overturned! The crowd deflates! The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

What a disaster! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Virgil van Dijk goes crossfield to Nuno Mendes, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Nuno Mendes bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Matty James wins the aerial battle. Aerial claim from Emiliano Martínez! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard.

Virgil van Dijk shifts it to Mbekezeli Mbokazi with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Mbekezeli Mbokazi pulls it back along the ground for Jamie Tartt, that is the perfect cut-back! Golden chance wasted by the player after the perfect service from Virgil van Dijk. In that role, it is these moments that separate a good player from a great one. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

The physio works on Matty James's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Matty James, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Mbekezeli Mbokazi, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Kieffer Moore is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 34-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Perry Ng does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Textbook tackle from Mbekezeli Mbokazi there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Mbekezeli Mbokazi scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Emiliano Martínez hoofs it forward towards Jamie Tartt, clearance mode, no time to mess about. The player opens up to Nuno Mendes on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. Gareth Bale delivers from the byline, Jamie Tartt is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Oh what a mess from Jamie Tartt's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear! The shot from Kieffer Moore is blocked, the defender put his body on the line.

Short restart from Emiliano Martínez to Matty James, building from the back nice and tidy. Matty James forces a pass to Kieffer Moore who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Sublime through ball from Gareth Bale for Kieffer Moore who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken.

Roy Kent fires the ball over to Perry Ng with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Perry Ng puts the ball right into the path of Virgil van Dijk, played to the inch, the space is found. Virgil van Dijk is well offside there. Kieffer Moore tried to find him but the run was mistimed. Beautiful distribution from Emiliano Martínez to Ben Sheaf, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Ben Sheaf takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race.

Emiliano Martínez plays out from the back with Gareth Bale, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Brilliant interception from Gareth Bale, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Gareth Bale sets it for Virgil van Dijk, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Ben Sheaf accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Ben Sheaf chips his ball over the centre-backs for Matty James, the timing is absolutely perfect. What composure from Emiliano Martínez! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Long kick from Emiliano Martínez, Perry Ng positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Shared match. Emiliano Martínez walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Mbekezeli Mbokazi does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Ben Sheaf picks out Gareth Bale with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Gareth Bale sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Mbekezeli Mbokazi is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. GOOOOOOAL! Mbekezeli Mbokazi winds up and FIIIIRES like a madman! The ball explodes top bins, the keeper had no chance!

Ben Sheaf mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Mbekezeli Mbokazi plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Emiliano Martínez applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on. Cross from Roy Kent off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Perry Ng at the far side.

It's there! London Three-Pints hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Gareth Bale plays the free kick into the danger zone, Roy Kent arrives at the penalty spot. Roy Kent attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly. The corner from Ben Sheaf comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Royal interception from Virgil van Dijk! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Virgil van Dijk pings a ridiculous diagonal to Ben Sheaf. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Ben Sheaf sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Ben Sheaf switches the play to Virgil van Dijk on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Virgil van Dijk reads the movement from Gareth Bale and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts.

Tactical debate in the corner. Emiliano Martínez wants to push higher. Matty James reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Matty James, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Brilliant little nugget — Matty James has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 178, for the record. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' The second period begins and Kieffer Moore launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Roy Kent rolls the free kick along the ground to Gareth Bale, it is the short routine. Gareth Bale delivers a tidy ball to Perry Ng, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Perry Ng crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Nuno Mendes is in the right place. Emiliano Martínez stretches every inch and pushes the shot away. Iron hand, wasp-like reflexes.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Perry Ng loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. The player heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on. Matty James clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Emiliano Martínez catapults the ball towards Jamie Tartt from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Jamie Tartt senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. That recovery run from Perry Ng is worth a goal in itself. Without that effort, it's 1-0 right there. Perry Ng catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately.

With one swing of the boot, Roy Kent finds Perry Ng on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Wasteful from Perry Ng on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Matty James throws his arms up in frustration. Decisive glance from Perry Ng who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Perry Ng sends an aerial beauty to Matty James, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Nuno Mendes intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Ben Sheaf goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Oh my word Ben Sheaf fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Shared match. Virgil van Dijk walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Roy Kent does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.