My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. LeBron James. The man. The beast. Standing at 206 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jesus Christ. Profession? Messiah. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-112 (L)
Tacko Fall, this undersized dog, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
Tacko Fall, this dude out of nowhere, comes up empty! A sky hook off target facing the rim!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
This generational talent LeBron James can't recover! Scored on off the pick and roll! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
LeBron James slams the leather in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Halftime whistle! Tacko Fall slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Tacko Fall lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jesus Christ misses the open look! This basketball god can't believe it! Injury-prone body!
Jesus Christ calls for the sub! Even a messiah's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Tacko Fall drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!
Michael Jordan shoots to the tunnel in disappointment. This global icon will learn from this.
Tacko Fall bites the inside of his cheek. Jesus Christ pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
115-87 (W)
Michael Jordan fades away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this living legend!
Michael Jordan, this certified GOAT candidate, knifes through for a free throw at the buzzer! Wow!
LeBron James shuts the door back to the basket! That's how you play defense!
This dude out of nowhere Tacko Fall with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Michael Jordan explodes into the right spacing! Eyes in the back of the head and elite court awareness!
Halftime whistle! Michael Jordan slides down against the hallway wall. Rumor has it Michael Jordan talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
A devastating dunk from LeBron James! This hall-of-fame lock just keeps delivering!
The crowd is on its feet! An incredible energy as LeBron James takes the court!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, repositions on defense! Nerves of steel collective effort!
Stephen Curry attacks with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry secures the win with iron discipline! Another one in the bag!
Jesus Christ launches his shoe into the air. Stephen Curry catches it. Standing ovation. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-80 (W)
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This once-in-a-lifetime player is in the building!
Jesus Christ nails a buzzer-beater from deep! Range like their bare hands reaching across the workshop!
Michael Jordan fades away and creates! Another assist at half court! Quarterback!
Stephen Curry converts back to the basket! A free throw with trademark iron discipline!
Jesus Christ contests the shot! Reaching like a messiah reaching for the game!
Halftime whistle! Tacko Fall slides down against the hallway wall. They say Tacko Fall has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Stephen Curry hits a catch-and-shoot triple! An off-the-charts basketball IQ proving to be the difference tonight!
Jesus Christ even the deep bench is scoring! Complete team effort tonight!
Michael Jordan dribbles off the foot and into the front row! This living legend oops!
Jesus Christ waves to the crowd! The wave of a messiah finishing the game!
Stephen Curry tosses the damn ball in the air! A slide across the hardwood! This certified bucket mission accomplished!
Stephen Curry and LeBron James stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
97-113 (L)
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
LeBron James fires away but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Jesus Christ drives the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this potential GOAT!
LeBron James gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Michael Jordan with another alley-oop! You can't stop this man!
Halftime! Stephen Curry is limping slightly heading off the court. Rumor has it Stephen Curry talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to rush causing friction!
Stephen Curry rushes a floater at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Tacko Fall, this elusive guard, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Tacko Fall walks off in silence. This hungry young player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Curry turns back to look at the court one last time. Tacko Fall doesn't turn around. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
109-92 (W)
Game time! Stephen Curry and this elite player ready to put on a show at the gym!
Tacko Fall scores at will! A half-court heave from downtown! This hungry young player domination!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry with the no-foul contest at half court! Clean as a whistle!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James with assist number lengths ahead! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on display!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan sets the back screen! Scary good handles off-ball contribution!
End of the second quarter. Jesus Christ is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little scoop: Jesus Christ collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This all-time great LeBron James goes to work from way beyond the arc! A two-handed slam drops beautifully!
Stephen Curry rises up and the noise is deafening! Palpable tension! Wow!
Stephen Curry celebrates the team's success! This reliable star knows together is better!
The stadium knows it! Michael Jordan is special! This global icon writing legacy!
Jesus Christ walks off the gymnasium victorious! A messiah who conquered it all tonight!
Tacko Fall and LeBron James slap each other's butts. Jesus Christ declines the invitation. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
106-91 (W)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Jesus Christ nails a finger roll with the ease of a messiah who competes the game. Natural!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, pokes the leather free! Scramble from downtown!
This reliable star Stephen Curry leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!
Tacko Fall sets the screen at the perfect angle! This surprise package cerebral play!
Halftime. The physio pounces on LeBron James to massage his thighs. Fun fact: LeBron James got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Tacko Fall, this undersized dog, uses strength and skill for a deep three! Complete player!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Tacko Fall gets hot!
Stephen Curry finds the open teammate! This big-name player making everyone better!
The fans adopted Jesus Christ, the messiah who brings the game to life on the hardwood!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ seals the deal! Victory with scary good handles!
LeBron James and Stephen Curry run circles around Tacko Fall who doesn't move. Zen. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
107-96 (W)
LeBron James, this all-time great, embraces the cathedral silence! Game on!
A devastating dunk! Stephen Curry cannot be stopped tonight! This bonafide star is locked in!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, covers ground to get the sky-high block! Wow!
Michael Jordan pinpoints the pass along the baseline! Another assist for this living legend!
Stephen Curry goes to work to the right spot! Eyes in the back of the head off-ball movement!
End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Staff confession: LeBron James is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Stephen Curry, this multi-time All-Star, absolutely nails a two-handed slam on the low block! Take a bow!
This big-name player Stephen Curry turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, sets the perfect screen! Iron discipline for the team!
Stephen Curry lets fly with conviction! This big-name player believes tonight is the night!
Tacko Fall hugs the coach! This player nobody saw coming with a complete performance!
Stephen Curry launches his shoe into the air. Jesus Christ catches it. Standing ovation. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
98-119 (L)
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
This potential GOAT LeBron James commits the offensive foul! Turnover under the basket!
Jesus Christ gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, glides to from downtown for a silky buzzer-beater!
Halftime. Jesus Christ is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This bonafide star Stephen Curry shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Jesus Christ dishes and fires but misses everything! Hot head tonight!
Jesus Christ outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a messiah with their bare hands!
Tacko Fall is gassed! This newcomer bent over at half court! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Tacko Fall, this low-to-the-ground speedster, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Jesus Christ pulls his cap down over his eyes. LeBron James doesn't have a cap, and it shows. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
109-102 (W)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Michael Jordan dribbles through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Tacko Fall, this compact dynamo, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry orchestrates the offense from way beyond the arc! Maestro!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Ridiculous creativity!
Break. LeBron James collapses next to the vending machine. Little secret: LeBron James watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
LeBron James spins and converts! A thunderous slam from downtown! Money!
The halftime tribute to Jesus Christ's messiah journey! The game to a devastating dunk!
Michael Jordan puts ego aside! The team comes first for this absolute legend!
This is the LeBron James game! This guy with rings on every finger taking over in the fourth quarter!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, acknowledges the fans! An electric crowd! A hug with the coach!
Tacko Fall and Michael Jordan cradle the game ball like a baby. Stephen Curry takes a photo. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
97-102 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A half-court heave! Early advantage!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, can't get a two-handed slam to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
LeBron James tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Occasional mental lapses in the decision-making!
Tacko Fall gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, uses every inch to deliver a fadeaway jumper!
Into the tunnel. Michael Jordan grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Michael Jordan blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
This raw talent Tacko Fall misses the mark! A thunderous slam goes begging in the paint!
Tacko Fall, this short king, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Michael Jordan sits alone on the bench. This generational talent processing the defeat.
Stephen Curry chews his nails on the bench. Michael Jordan stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
98-111 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
Jesus Christ beaten to the spot! Slower than a messiah on a Monday morning!
A thunderous slam by Stephen Curry from the right corner! That dawg mentality in every fiber!
The players leave the court. Tacko Fall clings to the tunnel railing. They say Tacko Fall has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Michael Jordan, this long boy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
A buzzer beater from Jesus Christ catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, manages the clock beautifully in the second quarter!
Michael Jordan is running on pure willpower! This living legend refusing to quit!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Stephen Curry's complexion is grey. Michael Jordan's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
107-116 (L)
This raw talent Tacko Fall comes out aggressive! Opens with a thunderous slam in transition!
Jesus Christ can't hit from the low post! That zone is cursed for this messiah!
Stephen Curry throws it into the stands! What was that from this certified bucket!
This living legend Jesus Christ caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
A pull-up jumper from LeBron James! Another dagger! This household name closing the door!
First half is done. Tacko Fall is chugging Gatorade like it's water. They say Tacko Fall has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This all-time great is visibly upset!
Michael Jordan with a rough deep three in transition! Sometimes predictable game at the worst time!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Michael Jordan grabs the shorts! This generational talent is running on fumes!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this franchise guy.
Stephen Curry sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Michael Jordan puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Tonight I had a revelation: Michael Jordan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
104-115 (L)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ shanks a double-clutch layup driving to the hoop! That's uncharacteristic!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Michael Jordan reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
Tacko Fall, this hidden prospect, drops a half-court heave from the left corner! Pure artistry!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Michael Jordan to massage his thighs. Rumor has it Michael Jordan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Tacko Fall takes off the towel! This hungry young player showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
This rising star Tacko Fall misfires again! Shaky emotions under pressure could cost the team!
Tacko Fall, this rising star, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a bucket!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, with tired legs from the right corner! Ego the size of Texas slowing this world-class player down!
This guy nobody was talking about Tacko Fall shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Tacko Fall replays the score in his head on a loop. Jesus Christ tries to think about something else. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-120 (L)
The field house welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
Michael Jordan fires a sky hook at half court but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
LeBron James throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure in transition!
Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Fooled like a messiah by counterfeit the game!
A step-back three from Michael Jordan! That's freakish explosiveness at the highest level!
End of the first half. Michael Jordan is beet red but still standing. Rumor has it Michael Jordan tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Tacko Fall, this dark horse, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, pulls the trigger from the right corner but no luck!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Eyes in the back of the head!
Michael Jordan shoots but can't sustain the effort! Occasional mental lapses emptying the tank!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Tacko Fall's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Michael Jordan hides his eyes under a towel. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-118 (L)
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
LeBron James goes to work the basketball into nothing! Tendency to force bad shots on full display tonight!
Jesus Christ posts up into a dead end driving to the hoop! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
Stephen Curry overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
LeBron James with an unmatched feel for the game finds the angle for a deep three!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Tacko Fall walks head down toward the tunnel. Juicy anecdote: Tacko Fall was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
LeBron James lets fly and kicks the stanchion! This franchise cornerstone losing composure!
Stephen Curry can't buy a bucket! Another miss along the baseline! Frustrating!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Freakish explosiveness and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, takes the loss hard. Hot head at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ's lip is trembling. LeBron James dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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