My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Michelangelo puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. GOOOAL! Michelangelo follows up the strike from Isaac Newton and toes it in at the back post! POACHER'S goal!

Michelangelo runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Barack Obama gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Oh that's poor! Paris Saint-Glinglin score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Full moonwalk from Robert Downey Jr., penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. LeBron James does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Robert Downey Jr. Applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Superb tackle from the buddhist monk, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Tenzin Gyatso beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Brilliant opening from Tenzin Gyatso for Barack Obama, frees up the entire left flank.

Shakira loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Robert Downey Jr. fumbles his catch, the ball escapes and lands right in the danger zone! Usain Bolt boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

Raking ball from the polymath to Usain Bolt, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Usain Bolt wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Monster clearance from Usain Bolt! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. The military personnel dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Usain Bolt, lift your head up. Taylor Swift, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Taylor Swift once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 37-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Robert Downey Jr. Takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Usain Bolt delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line! Big strike from the architect, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. The philanthropist reads the movement before anyone else and puts Usain Bolt into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Usain Bolt gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Barack Obama is there to meet it. The community organizer strikes but the defender gets his body in the way. In that position, it happens, don't hesitate to pull the trigger again.

Short restart from the film producer to Isaac Newton, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Turnover from Isaac Newton, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Barack Obama with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Kelly Clarkson embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace.

And there it is, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Tenzin Gyatso gives it to Shakira and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. Burst of speed from Tenzin Gyatso, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. The buddhist monk gets dispossessed mid-dribble. That is the risk when you try it in that position, sometimes it does not come off. Taylor Swift intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar.

Kelly Clarkson hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Cross from Kelly Clarkson far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone. Beautiful distribution from Robert Downey Jr. to Usain Bolt, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Long ball from Usain Bolt to Shakira, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Superb diagonal from the philanthropist to Usain Bolt, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Superb defensive work from Usain Bolt there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Usain Bolt links up with Michelangelo, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Full time. Kelly Clarkson applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Michelangelo joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

Oh no, México No-Era-Penal score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Solidarity move: Robert Downey Jr. Grabs Michelangelo who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Michelangelo a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Usain Bolt touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. The philanthropist finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Barack Obama clean through. Pure genius from that position. Barack Obama chips the ball with the TOP of his foot, it rises, it clears the keeper, it descends and it goes IN! GOAL! The most TECHNICAL finish of the match, that is ART!

The free kick from Kelly Clarkson clears the defence and finds LeBron James in the danger area. Corner from LeBron James and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! The shot from Usain Bolt is blocked, the defender put his body on the line. The philanthropist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. Barack Obama cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Smooth transition from Barack Obama to Taylor Swift, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Give and go from the philanthropist with Julius Caesar, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold.

Barack Obama paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Barack Obama exhales and sits. Club sources confirm Isaac Newton has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 384, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Tenzin Gyatso is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Usain Bolt sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Usain Bolt goes in recklessly on the attacker, studs showing! The referee blows immediately. Usain Bolt gets an early bath! That tackle was a potential leg-breaker. The crowd is livid. The free kick from Usain Bolt is played short, LeBron James receives and goes immediately.

Solo charge from Shakira, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. PENALTY! The philanthropist is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. Shakira takes the penalty, it clatters the post and bounces back! He's cursed tonight. Robert Downey Jr. lumps it long towards Julius Caesar, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

One touch football: Michelangelo to Tenzin Gyatso, faster than the opposition can think. Just wide! Tenzin Gyatso struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Massive diagonal from Usain Bolt! Tenzin Gyatso receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Nightmare! México No-Era-Penal score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Robert Downey Jr. Runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Taylor Swift gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

LeBron James loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump. Foot save from the film producer! When your keeper can close the angle like that, your team breathes easier. Driven kick from Robert Downey Jr. to Usain Bolt, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Shakira refuses the direct delivery and plays short to LeBron James, they're taking their time. Cut-back along the turf from the basketball player for Kelly Clarkson. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. The movie actor/actress wastes the gift from Usain Bolt, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Huge interception from Tenzin Gyatso! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Kelly Clarkson looks for Usain Bolt with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

A draw — that grey zone. Kelly Clarkson signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Robert Downey Jr. Adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

Royal interception from Tenzin Gyatso! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. The buddhist monk spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Michelangelo. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOOOAL! Michelangelo sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

Isaac Newton picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Isaac Newton has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! Isaac Newton scores from the spot! Impeccable angled shot, the keeper went the wrong way. GOAL, EASY!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Isaac Newton ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. LeBron James leaps over him. Robert Downey Jr. Walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

And it's in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Both managers screaming, nobody can hear them anymore. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Taylor Swift opens up the space for Barack Obama with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride.

Robert Downey Jr. plays it along the ground to Usain Bolt, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Usain Bolt plays the simple ball to Isaac Newton, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Shot from the polymath, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Robert Downey Jr. finds Tenzin Gyatso with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Taylor Swift is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Julius Caesar. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Absolutely unbelievable scenes — Tenzin Gyatso, aged 91, once admitted on live radio that he eats a Greggs sausage roll before every single match. The lad swears it's the secret to his pace, and honestly, who are we to argue with those numbers? And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Usain Bolt picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. The movie actor/actress shifts Tenzin Gyatso into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. PHENOMENAL leg save from Robert Downey Jr.! He closed the angle at the last second and blocks the lot. Massive punt from Robert Downey Jr., sends the ball sixty yards, Taylor Swift is scrapping for it up top.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Michelangelo keeps it short to Kelly Clarkson, no frills, just good football intelligence. Kelly Clarkson eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Kelly Clarkson rolls it to Barack Obama, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Brilliant switch of play from Shakira! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt threads a ball into the void for LeBron James, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. The linesman raises his flag, LeBron James was a yard ahead of the last defender when Kelly Clarkson played it. Robert Downey Jr. launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Isaac Newton after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Overlap from Isaac Newton with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

Acceleration from Shakira down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. PENALTY for Shakira! He is pushed in the back by the defender inside the box. The referee SAW the foul and points to the spot. The PRESSURE is immense! Shakira shoots... and it's over! The penalty is missed, he lifted his head at the moment of striking.

The movie actor/actress switches the play to Barack Obama, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Overlap and cross from Barack Obama, the ball drops at the feet of Michelangelo in the heart of the box. The architect sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

That's what it MEANS! Tenzin Gyatso rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Julius Caesar catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are done. Absolutely done. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-3 (L)

LeBron James takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. The basketball player dinks his cross over the centre-backs for Julius Caesar. The kind of ball that changes the course of a match at the highest level. GOOOOOOAL for Julius Caesar! On the free kick struck by Isaac Newton, he gets there first and powers his header into the net!

LeBron James and Usain Bolt do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Robert Downey Jr. Arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Enormous press from Kelly Clarkson who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. What composure from Kelly Clarkson! On the pass from Michelangelo, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

They've scored! Dakar Teranga FC break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Usain Bolt explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Usain Bolt sends his cross sailing over everyone, Julius Caesar cannot even get close to it. The film producer goes long for LeBron James, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Gorgeous crossfield ball from LeBron James to Taylor Swift, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

The fourth official shows the board, there's still time for a twist. military personnel is time-wasting again. In that position, he knows how to kill seconds like no one else. Late challenge from Julius Caesar, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. Free kick from Julius Caesar, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Barack Obama is onto it! HEADER from Barack Obama! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Usain Bolt grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Robert Downey Jr. Is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. We can exclusively reveal that Taylor Swift, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' Second half underway and Michelangelo is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

It's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Clumsy challenge from Usain Bolt, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. The ref shows yellow to Usain Bolt. Can't keep haranguing the officials like that. Usain Bolt opts for the short pass to Isaac Newton instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Isaac Newton strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post.

Julius Caesar slides it to Isaac Newton, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Shifting pass from Isaac Newton to Barack Obama, the ball drifts into the free zone and Barack Obama is onto it in two strides.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. The community organizer plays it simple to LeBron James, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Step-overs from LeBron James, the defender has lost the ball completely. Firm pass from LeBron James into Taylor Swift, right into the boots. No waste.

It's hit the back of the net! Dakar Teranga FC lead and we look completely lost.

Three-man routine: Robert Downey Jr., Taylor Swift and Robert Downey Jr. Do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Crunching tackle by Tenzin Gyatso on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. OHHH what a strike from Isaac Newton! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Isaac Newton puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent.

Michelangelo sends a wicked free kick into the area, Julius Caesar is lurking with intent. Julius Caesar rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Michelangelo rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Shakira. The far side is completely deserted.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Heroic recovery from Barack Obama! Had ten yards to make up and still got back in time. Take a bow. Barack Obama with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Barack Obama shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Tenzin Gyatso is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Short corner from Usain Bolt, Kelly Clarkson comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. The movie actor/actress slides a perfect cut-back for LeBron James in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. GOOOAL from LeBron James! The ball is loose after a scramble, he has the presence of mind to prod it into the empty net. GOAL!

Usain Bolt slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Kelly Clarkson photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

What a recovery from the buddhist monk! Sprints like a madman to get back and cover. When you've got a player like that, you know the team will never quit. Tenzin Gyatso goes over the top of the ball and rakes down the attacker's shin. Ugly, ugly tackle. The buddhist monk snaps and throws a punch. His team will be fuming — that's left them with a mountain to climb. Tenzin Gyatso's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment.

It's in! Douala Makossa-Corner take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Robert Downey Jr. Stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Julius Caesar comes over and hugs him without a word.

Quick throw from Robert Downey Jr. to Michelangelo out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Enormous anticipation from Michelangelo who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off.

Free kick played short by the movie actor/actress! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Rapid combination: Tenzin Gyatso to Julius Caesar, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Barack Obama winces. LeBron James looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. At age 9, Isaac Newton entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 384, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' The second period begins and Tenzin Gyatso launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The architect finds Tenzin Gyatso along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Tenzin Gyatso puts it right into the feet of Julius Caesar, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Good ball from the military personnel to Shakira, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Through ball from the basketball player for Kelly Clarkson, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. What a hit from Kelly Clarkson! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away! Corner cleared by the defence, the movie actor/actress was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Free kick conceded by the military personnel, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Short free kick, Julius Caesar gives it to Isaac Newton who finds himself with space to work with. Nutmeg from the polymath on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. WHAT A SHAME for Isaac Newton! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Robert Downey Jr. fires it out quickly by hand to Barack Obama, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Lovely use of the ball by Barack Obama, finding Usain Bolt in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

The philanthropist cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Barack Obama. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Barack Obama is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Isaac Newton's pass was beautifully weighted too. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

The philanthropist lays it off first time to Kelly Clarkson, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. What a ball from Kelly Clarkson! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Michelangelo is away on his own. That is velvet. The architect accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The architect gets to the byline and floats one in for LeBron James. Crossing is his bread and butter. LeBron James whips it in and it's a right mess in the six-yard box, the defense scrambles it clear!

Level. Shakira picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Robert Downey Jr. Waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Ball in behind from the polymath, Michelangelo is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. GOOOOAL from Michelangelo! On the inswinging cross from LeBron James, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

'I told you so' mode. Isaac Newton eyeballs the Lagos No-Carry-Last bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Barack Obama pulls Isaac Newton away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Short build-up from Barack Obama to Tenzin Gyatso, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Right-footed cross from Tenzin Gyatso, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Kelly Clarkson. Cross from Kelly Clarkson repelled by the defence in the heart of the area. It is not getting through. Robert Downey Jr. distributes short to Tenzin Gyatso, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The buddhist monk rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Robert Downey Jr. catapults the ball towards Michelangelo from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The architect roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Foul by the architect, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Michelangelo finally gets the card he's been asking for. Too many fouls to ignore.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Full moonwalk from Robert Downey Jr., penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Barack Obama does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Robert Downey Jr. Applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Taylor Swift reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Taylor Swift was quicker. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Usain Bolt is biting {his} nails in the corner. Michelangelo stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Kelly Clarkson ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 44 and 163, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Back on the pitch and Barack Obama is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Julius Caesar shifts it to Isaac Newton with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The polymath finds Julius Caesar in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Low cut-back from Julius Caesar, Michelangelo arrives at pace and can hit it first time.

Isaac Newton picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Isaac Newton shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Michelangelo. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Michelangelo has a crack and puts it into the crowd. The keeper didn't need to move a muscle. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Barack Obama heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. LeBron James opens up to Isaac Newton on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. The polymath overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The cross from the polymath ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. Robert Downey Jr. smashes a volley towards Usain Bolt, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Usain Bolt pulls off a nutmeg with flair, he pushes the ball one side and glides past the other. Genius. Usain Bolt charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Usain Bolt whips in a cross at head height, LeBron James anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

LeBron James blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. The referee brandishes yellow at LeBron James. Enough is enough with the protests. LeBron James plays the free kick back to Tenzin Gyatso, they are looking for the shooting angle. Oh my word Tenzin Gyatso fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Isaac Newton sends an aerial beauty to Michelangelo, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. The architect butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Usain Bolt wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Wide from the architect! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

Perfect parity. Barack Obama slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Michelangelo watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. LeBron James beats the keeper with a placed strike, it is in the back of the net!

LeBron James scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Taylor Swift is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Usain Bolt plays the free kick short to Isaac Newton, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard. Isaac Newton fires wide, not far from the post though! Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. The architect lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

Short pass from the polymath to Michelangelo, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Body feint from the architect, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. A tug on the shirt from Michelangelo, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. The architect is cautioned for a dangerous foul. At that position, discipline is everything. The wall does its job! Michelangelo's free kick is stopped dead.

Massive clearance from the buddhist monk under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The buddhist monk catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Tenzin Gyatso sees yellow for a reckless sliding challenge. The opponent did well to avoid worse.

The military personnel cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Shakira. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Shakira gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Individual run from Shakira, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Usain Bolt stares at the carnage. Robert Downey Jr. Swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. The entire squad confirmed that Robert Downey Jr. Has a secret Love Island group chat where the 61-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 173, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' Second half underway and Barack Obama is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. POST for Michelangelo! The upright saves the keeper who was completely beaten. Such bad luck. Robert Downey Jr. sparks the transition with a quick throw to Kelly Clarkson, the break is lightning fast.

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Robert Downey Jr. Points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Kelly Clarkson comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

The corner from Usain Bolt is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. The philanthropist positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Taylor Swift finds Julius Caesar between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Robert Downey Jr. Dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Usain Bolt can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Robert Downey Jr. Claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Robert Downey Jr. plays it short to LeBron James, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The basketball player opens up to Taylor Swift on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Burst of pace from Taylor Swift on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

The philanthropist puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Barack Obama tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. The corner from LeBron James comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Usain Bolt delivers a tidy ball to Barack Obama, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The community organizer finds Michelangelo along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The architect plays the one-two with Usain Bolt and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc.

Barack Obama is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Michelangelo sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Catastrophe for Robert Downey Jr.! He completely fluffs his catch and the opposing attacker just has to nudge it in! What POSITIONAL SENSE from LeBron James! He is on the penalty spot for the cross from Isaac Newton and scores easily. GOAL!

Robert Downey Jr. Stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Tenzin Gyatso comes over and hugs him without a word.

Sideways ball from Julius Caesar to Tenzin Gyatso, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The buddhist monk shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Michelangelo. Pure quality, as per usual. Pinpoint delivery from the architect towards Taylor Swift, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The cross from Taylor Swift is miles away from Julius Caesar, completely off the mark.

What a scramble from Michelangelo's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears! Tenzin Gyatso hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on.

Dangerous delivery from the philanthropist on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Michelangelo beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Michelangelo rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Long kick from Robert Downey Jr., Usain Bolt positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Aerial duel lost by Usain Bolt, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage. Ball claimed by Robert Downey Jr. on the cross, total authority in his box. Usain Bolt to Taylor Swift, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Isaac Newton claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Usain Bolt is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 40-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Michelangelo is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Short pass from the basketball player to Michelangelo, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Michelangelo sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. The basketball player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly.

Taylor Swift sets it for Michelangelo, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. OHHH Michelangelo strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Tenzin Gyatso launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Julius Caesar, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. The polymath wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. The polymath unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

The basketball player sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Shot from LeBron James, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Isaac Newton tries the one-two with Barack Obama and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Isaac Newton wins the battle without even touching the opponent. Overlap from Isaac Newton on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Isaac Newton tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. Decisive interception from the community organizer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

GET IN THERE! Barack Obama slides on his knees across the wet turf, Isaac Newton piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

High recovery from Michelangelo! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Incredible solo charge from the architect, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. MASTERFUL lob from Michelangelo! On the pass from Shakira, he spots the keeper off his line and executes with a DELICATE touch. The ball floats over and sails into the goal. SUMPTUOUS GOAL!

Beautifully worked short corner from the architect to Kelly Clarkson. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. Kelly Clarkson squares it back for LeBron James, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. LeBron James produces the tap-in OF THE CENTURY! Well, it was from one yard, but still, GOAL!

Michelangelo mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Usain Bolt raises Michelangelo's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Robert Downey Jr. Plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Robert Downey Jr. distributes by hand to Julius Caesar on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Lightning overlap from Julius Caesar, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Robert Downey Jr. Dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Lay-off from Tenzin Gyatso to Barack Obama, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Barack Obama shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied. Kelly Clarkson whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Julius Caesar thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

The physio works on Julius Caesar's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Julius Caesar, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Kelly Clarkson, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Tenzin Gyatso is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 91-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Robert Downey Jr. Is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Quick one-two between Kelly Clarkson and Julius Caesar, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Julius Caesar lays it off first time to Barack Obama, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Barack Obama gives it to Usain Bolt and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Barack Obama is away.

Pitch-length run from the movie actor/actress, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Textbook lay-off from Kelly Clarkson to Tenzin Gyatso who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Offside given against Tenzin Gyatso but that is desperately close, Michelangelo is absolutely fuming! Long ball from Robert Downey Jr. for Usain Bolt who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

The philanthropist puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Taylor Swift clatters into the opponent to stop a three-on-two. Pragmatic to the core. Yellow card for the philanthropist, a cynical foul to kill the break. It comes with the territory in that role. Free kick blocked for the philanthropist! In that position, when the wall stands firm, it's ROUTINE in football, you have to keep the faith. The corner from Taylor Swift is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it.

Oh it's gone in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Robert Downey Jr. Sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Robert Downey Jr., you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Taylor Swift produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. The ball from Taylor Swift rips through the defensive curtain, Barack Obama is flying into the space like an arrow. Barack Obama is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Tenzin Gyatso is shaking his head.

The community organizer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The community organizer lays it off first time to Julius Caesar, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Nutmeg from Julius Caesar on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. The military personnel trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Julius Caesar picks up a deserved yellow, the repeated fouling left the referee no choice.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Through ball from the community organizer for LeBron James, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. LeBron James celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Usain Bolt's pass. Gutting. The film producer finds LeBron James with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The basketball player finds Shakira along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Perfect parity. Usain Bolt slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Robert Downey Jr. Watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

Intense pressing from the basketball player, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. GOOOOAL! LeBron James places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Kelly Clarkson, surgical finish!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. LeBron James is at the centre, lifted up by Isaac Newton and Robert Downey Jr., arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Rio Malandro FC's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

The philanthropist bends the ball into the box for Usain Bolt. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Usain Bolt goes for the perfect volley, foot cracks through thin air. So close to a masterpiece. Short distribution from Robert Downey Jr. to Barack Obama, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. Magnificent tackle from Tenzin Gyatso! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Tenzin Gyatso spots the run from LeBron James and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! LeBron James hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now! LeBron James takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out.

Free kick crossed in by the movie actor/actress into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. The cross from Julius Caesar is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. The philanthropist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Header lost by Isaac Newton, the opponent took the elevator while Isaac Newton stayed on the ground floor.

Robert Downey Jr. opts for the short option to Taylor Swift, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Taylor Swift picks out Kelly Clarkson with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The movie actor/actress lays it off first time to Tenzin Gyatso, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. LeBron James sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Robert Downey Jr. Is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Inside info here — Barack Obama insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 65, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Shakira sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. The polymath devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. Tackle miles off from Isaac Newton, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. It's an early bath for Michelangelo! He fouls the attacker in a last-man situation. Red card, right decision.

Line-breaking pass from LeBron James! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Barack Obama picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Barack Obama aims for Kelly Clarkson but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. LeBron James decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos.

Emergency clearance from the philanthropist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The philanthropist loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. What a claim from Robert Downey Jr.! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. Robert Downey Jr. sends an absolute rocket towards LeBron James, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. The basketball player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

It's in the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Robert Downey Jr. Dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Taylor Swift can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Robert Downey Jr. Claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Crafty ball from Usain Bolt into the gap, Barack Obama arrives into the space and collects on the move. The goal doesn't stand! Barack Obama strayed offside from Kelly Clarkson's pass. Gutting for the attacking side! Monster clearance from Robert Downey Jr., the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Shakira.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Robert Downey Jr. Points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. LeBron James comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

The military personnel reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. LeBron James tries to find Julius Caesar but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Isaac Newton stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Barack Obama walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Rio Malandro FC are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-3 (L)

Kelly Clarkson nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Kelly Clarkson drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. The movie actor/actress aims with surgical precision on the pass from Michelangelo! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Kelly Clarkson unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Barack Obama makes a heart sign with his hands. Robert Downey Jr. Finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Robert Downey Jr. throws it out quickly to Michelangelo, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Good ball from the architect to Barack Obama, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Barack Obama tries to open it up for Tenzin Gyatso but the timing is miles off. Possession lost.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Ball over the top from Usain Bolt, Tenzin Gyatso had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. The buddhist monk has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Robert Downey Jr. goes long for Taylor Swift, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Robert Downey Jr. And Barack Obama do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Robert Downey Jr. Arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Brutal challenge by Taylor Swift, he's absolutely smashed the attacker. The crowd are furious. VAR check in progress, the whole stadium is holding its breath. VAR correction against the philanthropist! In that role you can't cheat — the video is watching. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Kelly Clarkson: "163 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 44 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Inside info here — Shakira insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 49, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Shakira picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Absolutely dreadful! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Tenzin Gyatso dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Tenzin Gyatso spreads it to Shakira, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The philanthropist switches the play to Barack Obama, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

They've done it! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Robert Downey Jr. Points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Julius Caesar comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. The philanthropist whips in a classic cross for Usain Bolt in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Usain Bolt puts too much power on his cross, it flies through the box and out for a throw. Usain Bolt boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. High recovery from LeBron James, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. LeBron James plays it into the channel for Michelangelo, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Powerful effort from Michelangelo, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

Diagonal from Michelangelo to Taylor Swift, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Clean lay-off from the philanthropist to Usain Bolt into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Offside trap catches Usain Bolt out. Julius Caesar played it quickly but not quickly enough. Robert Downey Jr. takes his time and plays it short to Tenzin Gyatso. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Tenzin Gyatso accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

Clearance from the film producer towards Michelangelo, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Little shift from Michelangelo to Tenzin Gyatso, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Usain Bolt plays it simple to Kelly Clarkson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Telepathic pass from Kelly Clarkson to Isaac Newton, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Isaac Newton tries his luck and it's a disaster. The ball goes so high it practically needs air traffic clearance.

Taylor Swift sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Kelly Clarkson reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Kelly Clarkson. Taylor Swift almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

The film producer completely fluffs his intervention. In that position, that lack of concentration costs you, his team will hold this against him. Julius Caesar read the trajectory of the cross from LeBron James perfectly! Tap-in from 4 yards, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Robert Downey Jr. Right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Barack Obama tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Robert Downey Jr. Has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Robert Downey Jr. plays out from the back with Julius Caesar, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Julius Caesar crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed.

Emergency clearance from Taylor Swift, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The film producer throws it out to Tenzin Gyatso, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Aerial duel won by the buddhist monk, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Tenzin Gyatso clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

The free kick is played short by Usain Bolt to LeBron James, smart approach that. LeBron James floats a cross in from the wing for Kelly Clarkson, the ball hangs in the box! The cross from Kelly Clarkson is deflected off a defender's foot. Corner to the attacking side. The corner from LeBron James is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. LeBron James pings a long diagonal to Kelly Clarkson, completely shifts the point of attack.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Robert Downey Jr. Sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Robert Downey Jr., you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Shakira, you have barely touched the ball. Usain Bolt, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Now this is class — Barack Obama once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 65 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' Kick-off! Isaac Newton wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

The architect strings together skill moves and humiliates the defender. It is rare to see that much flair in that position. Michelangelo puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Michelangelo looks up and swings in a floated cross, Usain Bolt rises among the defenders. OHHH the header from Usain Bolt! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten! Clearance from the film producer towards Tenzin Gyatso, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

The corner from the architect is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Monumental ball from Julius Caesar to Tenzin Gyatso, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Enormous leap from the buddhist monk who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The buddhist monk plays it simple to Barack Obama, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Barack Obama starts the one-two with Michelangelo, the ball comes back in stride and it is done. Two touches, three yards gained.

The philanthropist finds Usain Bolt along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Delicious through ball from Usain Bolt, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Julius Caesar is there to gobble it up. The military personnel strays just offside on Tenzin Gyatso's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. Robert Downey Jr. rolls it short to Michelangelo into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Michelangelo with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff.

Robert Downey Jr. hoofs it forward towards Isaac Newton, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Isaac Newton feeds Taylor Swift in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The philanthropist plays it simple to Shakira, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Incredible burst of pace from Shakira, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Cross from the right by Shakira, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Usain Bolt at the back post.

It's a goal for Milano Piano-Piano! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. The polymath winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Big clearance from Julius Caesar under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Short restart from Robert Downey Jr. to Kelly Clarkson, building from the back nice and tidy. Kelly Clarkson scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment.

It's over and Milano Piano-Piano take the points. Michelangelo shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Taylor Swift walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Shakira gives it to Usain Bolt into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Key pass from Usain Bolt! It fizzes between the lines and LeBron James collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. The basketball player places his shot to perfection on the cross from Isaac Newton, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Usain Bolt pings a ridiculous diagonal to Taylor Swift. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. The philanthropist misplaces his pass to Michelangelo, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Taylor Swift sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Taylor Swift fires the ball over to Kelly Clarkson with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Quick combination between Julius Caesar and Michelangelo, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. Cut-back from Julius Caesar along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Usain Bolt centrally. Robert Downey Jr. gets a strong hand to it and turns the shot away. Top class save. What a keeper. Tidy restart from Robert Downey Jr. along the deck to Julius Caesar, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Julius Caesar forces a pass to Kelly Clarkson who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone.

Superb diagonal from the community organizer to Shakira, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The philanthropist beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Oh dear, Sevilla Olé-Olé have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Robert Downey Jr. Stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Taylor Swift follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Robert Downey Jr. Plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Barack Obama pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Now here's one for you — Usain Bolt was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 196 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' Tenzin Gyatso spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Isaac Newton bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Cross from Isaac Newton, he puts it on the far post for Kelly Clarkson. Poor cross from the movie actor/actress, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Robert Downey Jr., arms out like an aeroplane. Tenzin Gyatso follows in like he's skiing. Robert Downey Jr. Arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Michelangelo triggers a change of flanks for Usain Bolt, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Usain Bolt wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Usain Bolt hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Aerial duel lost by Julius Caesar, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head.

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. Robert Downey Jr. in the box, last card to play, last chance in this match. Tenzin Gyatso goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Tenzin Gyatso slips Isaac Newton in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Free kick from Usain Bolt to the near post, Barack Obama gets a flick on it. Barack Obama attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly.

Wall pass between the philanthropist and Tenzin Gyatso, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. The overlap from Taylor Swift, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Taylor Swift wants to beat his man but it is him who gets beaten. The defender recovers. Kelly Clarkson reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. The movie actor/actress hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Tenzin Gyatso puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. SHOOOOT from the polymath! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

That's that, then. Isaac Newton trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Kelly Clarkson hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

The architect delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need. GOOOAL from the polymath! Classic tap-in. In that position, those easy goals are what end the season as top scorer.

Full moonwalk from Michelangelo, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Usain Bolt does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Robert Downey Jr. Applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Oh that's terrible! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Heartbreak! Shakira finishes brilliantly from Michelangelo's pass but the flag was up before the ball hit the net! The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. The buddhist monk sees his goal ruled out by VAR! In that position, they don't come around often, so this one hurts. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The corner from Usain Bolt picks out Barack Obama in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. Robert Downey Jr. boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Isaac Newton! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. That is a tackle of the highest order from Isaac Newton. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

They've got their tails up now, every pass has a purpose. Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Barack Obama goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Barack Obama launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Taylor Swift stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Tenzin Gyatso cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Usain Bolt's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 40-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' Second half underway and LeBron James is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Tidy restart from Robert Downey Jr. along the deck to Michelangelo, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Blistering run from Michelangelo on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Michelangelo gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers. What composure from Robert Downey Jr.! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. The film producer finds Julius Caesar with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Quick throw from Robert Downey Jr. to Kelly Clarkson out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Kelly Clarkson floats a ball towards Isaac Newton but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Massive clearance from the buddhist monk under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Good ball from Tenzin Gyatso to LeBron James, playing it quick between the lines. Good run from LeBron James who crosses to the near post for Michelangelo. The defender is beaten to it. Enormous leap from the architect who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Quick exchange between Michelangelo and Barack Obama, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Brilliant tackle from Barack Obama! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished.

The free kick from Michelangelo is superb, it picks out Barack Obama unmarked in the box. Cross blocked from the community organizer by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Shakira sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw.

Decisive interception from Julius Caesar who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Julius Caesar saw it all. The military personnel finds Isaac Newton along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Lay-off from Isaac Newton to Tenzin Gyatso out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. The buddhist monk gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

Perfect parity. Shakira slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Julius Caesar watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-3 (L)

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Kelly Clarkson's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Michelangelo was THERE! The keeper spills the strike from Usain Bolt, he toes the ball into the empty net. GOAL!

Kelly Clarkson climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Robert Downey Jr. Films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

They press the keeper, he launches one up the pitch into nothing. It is not happening for Taylor Swift, the pass to Kelly Clarkson is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. The movie actor/actress intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

What a mess! London Three-Pints capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Robert Downey Jr. Mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. LeBron James raises Robert Downey Jr.'s arm like a referee declaring the winner. Robert Downey Jr. Plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Robert Downey Jr. plays it short to Michelangelo, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Lovely anticipation from the architect who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The architect finds Taylor Swift along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Kelly Clarkson unleashes a raking ball out to Julius Caesar, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Backpass from Julius Caesar goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Masterful reading from Julius Caesar who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. The military personnel shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Kelly Clarkson. Pure quality, as per usual.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Usain Bolt sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Kelly Clarkson is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. A delightful revelation — Michelangelo panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 551 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' The gaffer gives Tenzin Gyatso one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Tenzin Gyatso runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

The buddhist monk cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Usain Bolt. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Usain Bolt is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Tenzin Gyatso's passes. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Little shift from Tenzin Gyatso to Michelangelo, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Wing switch from Usain Bolt, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Michelangelo brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Enormous leap from the architect who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Michelangelo charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Michelangelo plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Kelly Clarkson in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. Kelly Clarkson hits it first time but the defender reads the trajectory and blocks. Smart defending.

They've scored again! London Three-Pints are running riot and we can't cope.

Robert Downey Jr. Fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Usain Bolt plays the medic running in. Robert Downey Jr. Plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The philanthropist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Julius Caesar. Pure quality, as per usual. Good delivery from Julius Caesar off the left flank, Kelly Clarkson positions himself between the two centre-halves. Phenomenal leap from Kelly Clarkson who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

Oh no, London Three-Pints have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Robert Downey Jr. Ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Barack Obama leaps over him. Robert Downey Jr. Walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Through ball from the basketball player for Usain Bolt, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Usain Bolt was a good metre off on Michelangelo's pass.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Completely wasted cross from Shakira, the keeper just plucks it out of the air in his six-yard box. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The buddhist monk finds Taylor Swift along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Smooth transition from Taylor Swift to Shakira, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Great vision from LeBron James who switches to Isaac Newton. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Isaac Newton is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. What a SAAAAAVE from Robert Downey Jr.! The striker thought he had scored but NO! The keeper had other ideas!

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Tenzin Gyatso shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Isaac Newton is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.