My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Anthony Edwards! Picture this: standing at 197 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Joe Rogan. The man is a thai boxer. A freaking thai boxer. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their wrapped fists and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-127 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Joe Rogan, this solid build, gets the look at the top of the key but the lid's on the rim!
Spider-Man loses the damn ball in traffic! This potential GOAT can't afford that!
Stephen Curry reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
Anthony Edwards, this tree of a man, throws the hands up! Exasperated in the paint!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry flops into the first available chair. I've been told Stephen Curry once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Joe Rogan clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their wrapped fists hitting the stunned opponent!
This absolute legend Spider-Man has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Anthony Edwards, this oversized freak, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
This established star Stephen Curry stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Stephen Curry's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Anthony Edwards hides his eyes under a towel. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
102-100 (W)
This player making noise Joe Rogan comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater on the low block!
Joe Rogan boxes out! Making space, that's the thai boxer work ethic!
Jesus Christ misses at right from the tip-off! A messiah dropping the game at the worst time!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, posts up and delivers a reverse layup! Textbook!
This dude putting the league on notice Anthony Edwards recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, keeps composure and delivers an alley-oop! Unreal swagger!
Anthony Edwards, this beanpole, swats it into the third row! A ball recovery!
The crowd is on its feet! A Playoff atmosphere as Stephen Curry takes the court!
Anthony Edwards pulls up and drills it! After a timeout! A killer instinct under pressure!
Joe Rogan soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a thai boxer savoring glory!
Anthony Edwards and Jesus Christ freestyle a victory rap. Stephen Curry does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
105-92 (W)
This player making noise Joe Rogan catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Jesus Christ scores the go-ahead! A messiah who always finishes the job on time!
This solid pro Anthony Edwards forces the bad pass! Ridiculous creativity creating turnovers!
Jesus Christ, this once-in-a-lifetime player, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Next-level basketball IQ!
Spider-Man, this little firecracker, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
That's a wrap for now. Stephen Curry dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Stephen Curry is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Jesus Christ drives and scores! Those messiah hands work wonders with the Spalding!
The road crowd tries to rally but Anthony Edwards silences them! A packed arena!
Spider-Man, this certified GOAT candidate, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!
Jesus Christ proves that competing the game builds character for the den!
Stephen Curry sits on the bench with a smile! This established star job well done!
Jesus Christ runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Behind the scenes, I learned Spider-Man was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-114 (L)
Anthony Edwards looks dialed in from the start! That dawg mentality preparation showing!
This guy with a proven track record Joe Rogan shanks a thunderous slam back to the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Anthony Edwards with a wild pass that sails out! This seasoned vet giving it away!
Spider-Man gets blown by! Even a superhero couldn't stop that!
Joe Rogan just treated the orange way they treat the stunned opponent. A floater, bang!
Well-deserved break. Joe Rogan looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Joe Rogan threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Anthony Edwards pulls up away from the huddle! This legit talent in a dark place mentally!
Anthony Edwards, this colossus, bobbles the damn ball and the chance evaporates from mid-range!
Anthony Edwards makes the hockey pass! Pure God-given talent finding the extra pass!
Stephen Curry grabs the shorts! This certified bucket is running on fumes!
Joe Rogan attacks past the media. This player making noise not in the mood to talk.
Stephen Curry sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Anthony Edwards has his head in his hands. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-120 (L)
Stephen Curry takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this established star!
Stephen Curry fires a tear drop at the buzzer but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
Joe Rogan with the backcourt violation! A thai boxer going backwards with the stunned opponent!
Stephen Curry lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this jersey-selling name fooled!
Spider-Man scores with their bare hands, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Time to breathe. Jesus Christ has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: Jesus Christ threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
This elite player Stephen Curry hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ muscles up a scoop layup but can't get it to fall!
Stephen Curry reads the defense perfectly! A gym-rat work ethic and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Anthony Edwards shoots but the legs won't cooperate! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Joe Rogan takes the loss hard! Hard as the stunned opponent on a bad thai boxer day!
Jesus Christ refuses the coach's embrace. Spider-Man accepts it but his body is stiff. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
110-86 (W)
This up-and-coming baller Anthony Edwards gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Spider-Man finishes with style! Years of competing the game built those hands!
Stephen Curry with the huge sky-high block at the buzzer! This certified bucket says no!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry creates for others! Unselfish play with next-level basketball IQ!
This player making noise Anthony Edwards sets the back screen! Nerves of steel off-ball contribution!
Halftime. Joe Rogan wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Little scoop: Joe Rogan tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Joe Rogan rises and fires! Devastating the stunned opponent never felt this athletic!
Anthony Edwards, this long boy, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Stephen Curry brings energy off the bench! This world-class player infectious enthusiasm!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, stands tall when the team needs this headliner most!
This next-level player Joe Rogan raises the arms! The win is in the books! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
Jesus Christ and Stephen Curry swing Spider-Man around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
101-98 (W)
Spider-Man bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Stephen Curry draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Joe Rogan whiffs on the jumper! A thai boxer off their game with their wrapped fists!
Jesus Christ banks a euro-step off the glass! Geometry learned from the messiah life!
Anthony Edwards, this long boy, sets a brick-wall screen! Pure God-given talent on full display!
Rest. Spider-Man buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. I've been told Spider-Man once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're back! The players look fired up.
Spider-Man scores through the foul! Nothing stops a superhero with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ with the chase-down monster swat! Running like a messiah chasing the game!
Chants of 'thai boxer! Thai boxer!' fill the gymnasium for Joe Rogan!
Jesus Christ buries the go-ahead shot! Ice cold, this messiah doesn't flinch!
Joe Rogan, this combo guard, celebrates the win! A chest bump! What a game!
Stephen Curry does a cartwheel at center court. Anthony Edwards tries one too and eats it. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-112 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Spider-Man means business! Fast start back to the basket!
Joe Rogan spins but overcooks it! Shaky emotions under pressure showing up again!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
Joe Rogan gets caught flat-footed! This name that's buzzing beaten to the spot!
Anthony Edwards, this player making noise, drops an off-balance shot from the right corner! Pure artistry!
The locker room. Joe Rogan sprawls out full-length on the bench. Little secret: Joe Rogan has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Anthony Edwards, this legit talent, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
This player on the come-up Joe Rogan rattles it out! So close yet so far from downtown!
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for an alley-oop!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Spider-Man hangs their head! A superhero who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ's complexion is grey. Stephen Curry's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-123 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Spider-Man can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The leather through the hoop, nope!
Jesus Christ loses the Wilson! A messiah would never be this careless!
Joe Rogan, this swiss-army-knife type, fouls unnecessarily off the pick and roll! Occasional mental lapses!
This headliner Stephen Curry throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Joe Rogan walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Joe Rogan failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Spider-Man, this little thunder, gets stuffed trying an alley-oop! Denied!
This all-time great Jesus Christ stumbles! The fatigue is real after the four quarters!
Jesus Christ steps back into a dead end in transition! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game!
Joe Rogan, this well-respected player, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Stephen Curry had the chances but couldn't convert. This All-Star caliber talent left wanting.
Stephen Curry and Jesus Christ share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
102-123 (L)
Stephen Curry takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Spider-Man fades away but it's well off! Lack of consistency under fatigue!
Anthony Edwards, this mountain of a man, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Stephen Curry gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
Joe Rogan, this do-it-all player, uses every inch to deliver a bank shot!
Cut! Halftime. Spider-Man's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it Spider-Man talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Anthony Edwards, this 7-footer, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!
This legit talent Anthony Edwards misses the mark! A pull-up jumper goes begging from the left corner!
Joe Rogan launches to the weak side! This solid pro exploiting the rotation!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This certified GOAT candidate bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Spider-Man looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Jesus Christ looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-122 (L)
This elite player Stephen Curry comes out firing! A bank shot in the first minute!
Anthony Edwards, this hooper's hooper, with the shot-clock heave! No good facing the rim!
Joe Rogan botches the handoff! Even their wrapped fists exchanges go smoother!
Joe Rogan, this smooth operator, lets the shooter get free back to the basket! Costly lapse!
Joe Rogan argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to devastating the stunned opponent!
The locker room fills up. Joe Rogan has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Joe Rogan once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Brick! Stephen Curry misfires from way beyond the arc! Limited stamina at the worst time!
Joe Rogan asks for ice! Cooling down, even a thai boxer's engine needs a rest!
Joe Rogan gets the ball stripped! The stunned opponent would have stayed in a thai boxer's grip!
Spider-Man drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a superhero's spirit has limits!
This hall-of-fame lock Spider-Man stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this hall-of-fame lock wanted.
Anthony Edwards pulls his cap down over his eyes. Spider-Man doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
74-118 (L)
Opening possession for Spider-Man! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Anthony Edwards, this league veteran, fumbles the finish from downtown! Back to the drawing board!
Joe Rogan passes to nobody! This hooper's hooper with a head-scratching decision!
Jesus Christ gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a messiah's worst day on the job!
Stephen Curry explodes and kicks the stanchion! This elite player losing composure!
Back in the locker room, Stephen Curry sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote of the day: Stephen Curry forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, can't finish on the low block! That one stings!
Spider-Man stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a superhero over the game!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Stephen Curry replays the score in his head on a loop. Anthony Edwards tries to think about something else. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
94-119 (L)
Game time! Anthony Edwards and this name that's buzzing ready to put on a show at the den!
Joe Rogan, this smooth operator, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this seasoned vet!
Intercepted! Joe Rogan's pass snatched right out of the air! A thai boxer would never be that careless!
Stephen Curry gets crossed over! This bonafide star left frozen under the basket!
Anthony Edwards, this tower, takes over back to the basket. A devastating dunk! That's elite!
Break! Jesus Christ heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Jesus Christ got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Joe Rogan mouths off on the decisive possession! A thai boxer venting about the stunned opponent!
Joe Rogan launches a sky hook and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
This name that's buzzing Joe Rogan uses the floater over this tweener coverage! Smart!
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
Stephen Curry sits alone on the bench. This franchise guy processing the defeat.
Joe Rogan leaves the court at a jog. Jesus Christ stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
103-115 (L)
Anthony Edwards, this beanpole, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Spider-Man can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this basketball god!
Stolen from Spider-Man! A superhero who let it slip through their fingers!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry picks up the cheap foul! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Jesus Christ fires away from way beyond the arc with the same confidence they bring to competing the game.
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jesus Christ walks head down toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: Jesus Christ has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This living legend Spider-Man fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
Joe Rogan rattles in and out! The stunned opponent never teases a thai boxer like that!
Anthony Edwards, this beanpole, exploits the mismatch at the top of the key! Smart play!
This dude putting the league on notice Anthony Edwards can't close out! The legs are shot driving to the hoop!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ leaves the court at a jog. Spider-Man stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I learned tonight that Jesus Christ used to be a superhero. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
91-114 (L)
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy everybody knows brings!
The rim rejects Spider-Man! The rim says no! Even a superhero gets rejected sometimes!
Stephen Curry with the lazy pass! Limited stamina leading to easy points!
Anthony Edwards turns the head and loses the man! This player on the come-up napping defensively!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, overpowers for a layup! Size matters!
End of the first half. Anthony Edwards is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Anthony Edwards tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Spider-Man mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Joe Rogan forces up a bucket over the defense! Sometimes predictable game! Bad decision!
Spider-Man goes to work with purpose every possession! This hall-of-fame lock chess master!
Spider-Man takes the rest play! Even a superhero needs a breather!
Stephen Curry reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Jesus Christ's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Joe Rogan hides his eyes under a towel. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team finishes #14 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Anthony Edwards.
Season journal
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