My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even her own teammates sometimes. That's Ice Spice. The woman is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because she was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard her. She looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got her, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. She's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed King Von. The man. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-133 (L)
Ice Spice steps onto the field house! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
Snoop Dogg misses the free throw! Rallying the protest march under pressure is easier!
Snoop Dogg gets the ball stripped! The protest march would have stayed in an activist's grip!
Snoop Dogg gets posted up and scored on! This hall-of-fame lock overpowered!
Snoop Dogg slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an activist hits the workbench!
Halftime. The doctor examines Ice Spice's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote of the day: Ice Spice forgot her shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Air ball from King Von! Being a rapper doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Snoop Dogg takes the rest play! Even an activist needs a breather!
This guy with rings on every finger Snoop Dogg commits the offensive foul! Turnover off the pick and roll!
Snoop Dogg crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
Snoop Dogg pulls up past the media. This global icon not in the mood to talk.
Snoop Dogg isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Snoop Dogg tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
80-125 (L)
Lil Wayne, this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This franchise cornerstone is in the building!
Ice Spice misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their hot mic at the fiery bars!
Turnover by Snoop Dogg! Rallying the protest march requires less coordination, clearly!
Lil Wayne, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
Snoop Dogg gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Snoop Dogg to massage his thighs. The staff told me Snoop Dogg sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
King Von bricks it! Not the same accuracy as spitting the fiery bars!
This league veteran Ice Spice can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
King Von trips up in the low post! A rapper never trips at work... Right?
Snoop Dogg walks away muttering! Muttering about the protest march under their breath!
Lil Wayne walks off in defeat! Even a rapper's skills couldn't save tonight!
King Von's lip is trembling. Lil Wayne dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-129 (L)
Lil Wayne opens with a deep three! This global icon making an early statement!
Snoop Dogg shoots short! Not enough juice! Even an activist would cringe!
Snoop Dogg loses the Spalding! An activist would never be this careless!
King Von, this pint-sized baller, fouls unnecessarily at half court! Tendency to rush!
Ice Spice, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Tendency to rush hurting the team!
Back in the locker room, Ice Spice sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little secret: Ice Spice has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Lil Wayne fires a brick from along the baseline! Way off, even for a rapper!
Ice Spice mops their face! Sweating more than when spitting the fiery bars!
Ice Spice loses possession! The fiery bars never leaves a rapper's hands like that!
Snoop Dogg can't mask the disappointment! This living legend wearing it on the sleeve!
This undisputed superstar Lil Wayne leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
King Von refuses Orlando Magic-Beans's handshake. Snoop Dogg offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Did you know that Snoop Dogg practices rapper on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
99-111 (L)
Snoop Dogg, this first-ballot legend, draws first blood! An off-balance shot to start!
King Von, this small but mighty player, gets stuffed trying a scoop layup! Denied!
King Von coughs it up! A rapper's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
This player making noise Ice Spice fouls reaching in! Injury-prone body on defense!
A layup from Snoop Dogg from the right corner! That's a statement right there!
Halftime whistle. Lil Wayne flops into the first available chair. True story: Lil Wayne walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Philadelphia Injury-Report. Awkward. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Snoop Dogg storms to the bench! Heated! This activist doesn't handle losing well!
Snoop Dogg misfires from downtown! Even this basketball god has off nights!
This legit talent Ice Spice runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Ice Spice tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a rapper's energy for the fiery bars!
Lil Wayne shakes hands through the pain! A rapper who respects their hot mic and the game!
King Von chews his nails on the bench. Ice Spice stares at her shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-132 (L)
King Von announces themselves! The rapper has arrived and the building knows it!
Ice Spice, this solid build, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
Snoop Dogg commits the live-ball turnover! Their megaphone would be ashamed!
This hooper's hooper King Von caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Ice Spice mouths off in the money time! A rapper venting about the fiery bars!
Halftime whistle. Snoop Dogg spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Quick anecdote about Snoop Dogg: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Snoop Dogg rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their megaphone intensity!
Ice Spice is gassed! More tired than after a full day of spitting the fiery bars!
Snoop Dogg throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure off the pick and roll!
Snoop Dogg, this hall-of-fame lock, yells at the coaching staff! Lack of consistency causing friction!
Lil Wayne fires away to the tunnel in disappointment. This household name will learn from this.
Ice Spice's eyes are red, jaw tight. King Von apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-130 (L)
Ice Spice bounces the ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
King Von misses on the decisive possession! A rapper dropping the fiery bars at the worst time!
Ice Spice, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass driving to the hoop!
Snoop Dogg gets blown by! Even an activist couldn't stop that!
Snoop Dogg mutters to himself walking back! This absolute legend fighting inner demons!
Halftime whistle. Snoop Dogg spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Snoop Dogg once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Ice Spice forces a bad bank shot! This player on the come-up needs to trust teammates!
This guy with a proven track record Ice Spice calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Shaky emotions under pressure taking its toll!
This living legend Snoop Dogg commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
Ice Spice waves off the play! The authority of a rapper in that gesture!
Snoop Dogg tips the cap to the winners! The activist's grace with the protest march!
Snoop Dogg refuses the coach's embrace. Ice Spice accepts it but her body is stiff. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
78-119 (L)
King Von wins the opening tip! Tipping off with rapper energy!
King Von sends it wide! Their hot mic wouldn't forgive that either!
Lil Wayne, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
King Von, this little firecracker, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
Ice Spice, this solid pro, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
The players leave the court. King Von clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: King Von is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Snoop Dogg, this solid build, wastes a golden chance with a wild two-handed slam!
Ice Spice bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a rapper after their hot mic overtime!
King Von with the backcourt violation! A rapper going backwards with the fiery bars!
Snoop Dogg can't hide the frustration! Their megaphone frustration meets the pill frustration!
Ice Spice hangs their head! A rapper who gave everything they had!
Snoop Dogg walks toward the tunnel without a word. Snoop Dogg stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I learned tonight that Snoop Dogg used to be a rapper. That explains the unique running style. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
79-117 (L)
Snoop Dogg huddles with the team! Huddling up, the activist strategizes!
Lil Wayne misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the damn ball!
Lil Wayne, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
Snoop Dogg lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this basketball god fooled!
Ice Spice drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
Off to the locker room. Lil Wayne has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Lil Wayne once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Snoop Dogg whiffs on the jumper! An activist off their game with their megaphone!
Ice Spice misses the rotation! Too tired, like a rapper too tired for the fiery bars!
Lil Wayne gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
Snoop Dogg argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rallying the protest march!
Snoop Dogg vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their megaphone reinforced with the protest march!
Snoop Dogg's complexion is grey. Ice Spice's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Snoop Dogg's name. Forgive me. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-120 (L)
Lil Wayne, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!
King Von heaves and misses! Should have heaved the fiery bars instead!
Ice Spice, this tweener, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
Lil Wayne loses the battle in the paint! Being a rapper doesn't help you here!
Snoop Dogg answers back with a two-handed slam! Scary good handles under pressure!
The players head in. King Von slips on the wet tunnel floor. I've been told King Von always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Snoop Dogg throws their hands up! Like an activist when their megaphone breaks!
Ice Spice can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this guy with a proven track record!
Snoop Dogg, this swiss-army-knife type, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Snoop Dogg finds a second wind! The activist engine roars back to life!
Despite the loss, Snoop Dogg held their own with the protest march! The activist fought!
King Von sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Ice Spice puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
83-128 (L)
Ice Spice, this seasoned vet, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Ice Spice can't convert! The rapper's touch with the fiery bars deserted them!
This first-ballot legend Snoop Dogg loses concentration and the rock with it!
Snoop Dogg gives up the easy bucket! Easier than rallying the protest march!
Snoop Dogg storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
Break! Snoop Dogg rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Quick anecdote about Snoop Dogg: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Lil Wayne steps back the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this all-time great!
Ice Spice grabs the shorts! This well-respected player is running on fumes!
Lil Wayne with the backcourt violation! This living legend under too much pressure!
Lil Wayne pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rapper in them is showing!
Snoop Dogg reflects on what could have been. Sometimes predictable game the difference tonight.
Snoop Dogg stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. King Von comes back to get him. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-123 (L)
Ice Spice pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This seasoned vet locked in!
Snoop Dogg misfires again! Having the protest march-shaped night!
This all-time great Snoop Dogg forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Ice Spice can't contain the drive! Spitting the fiery bars is more containable!
Lil Wayne mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
The players file out. Snoop Dogg exchanges a tense look with the coach. Quick anecdote about Snoop Dogg: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Snoop Dogg with a wild attempt! This all-time great not finding the range tonight!
King Von is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a rapper would call it quits!
Ice Spice takes off carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Ice Spice, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Snoop Dogg sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
Snoop Dogg collapses into the first available chair. King Von stays standing, eyes glazed over. I learned that Snoop Dogg's father was a rapper. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-128 (L)
Lil Wayne drives into position! This hall-of-fame lock not wasting any time!
Lil Wayne misses at the buzzer! A rapper who missed the deadline!
King Von with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the fiery bars!
Snoop Dogg bites on the pump fake! This all-time great sent flying driving to the hoop!
King Von, this low-to-the-ground speedster, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
End of the first act. Snoop Dogg is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Exclusive: Snoop Dogg was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Snoop Dogg misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the protest march!
This solid pro Ice Spice can't close out! The legs are shot from the left corner!
Snoop Dogg double-dribbles! Rallying the protest march doesn't have that rule!
King Von buries their face! Hidden from view, the rapper can't watch!
Lil Wayne fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the rapper gave everything!
Snoop Dogg lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Ice Spice decides not to comment. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-120 (L)
The den welcomes Lil Wayne! The rapper with the fiery bars has arrived!
Ice Spice launches from deep and misses! A rapper's range doesn't apply here!
This certified GOAT candidate Snoop Dogg with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Snoop Dogg overcommits! Going all-in like an activist on the protest march, but wrong!
This certified GOAT candidate Snoop Dogg slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break. Snoop Dogg collapses next to the vending machine. Staff confession: Snoop Dogg is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Snoop Dogg clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their megaphone hitting the protest march!
Lil Wayne is running on fumes! The rapper tank is completely empty!
King Von with a wild pass that sails out! This established player giving it away!
Snoop Dogg, this hall-of-fame lock, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
This well-respected player King Von tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Snoop Dogg punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Snoop Dogg slides down the wall to the floor. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-129 (L)
This solid pro King Von comes out aggressive! Opens with a pull-up jumper on the low block!
Ice Spice, this player on the come-up, comes up empty! An and-one off target under the basket!
King Von, this small but mighty player, gets stripped along the baseline! Hot head exposed!
Lil Wayne gives up the back door! Ego the size of Texas when overplaying!
King Von, this compact dynamo, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
Well-deserved break. Ice Spice looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Ice Spice lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Snoop Dogg just barely misses! Close as an activist getting the protest march almost right!
Lil Wayne fades away sluggishly! Ego the size of Texas catching up with this undisputed superstar!
Lil Wayne passes to nobody! This guy with rings on every finger with a head-scratching decision!
This franchise cornerstone Lil Wayne fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to rush showing!
Snoop Dogg, this smooth operator, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Snoop Dogg closes his eyes walking out. Ice Spice keeps her wide open, fixed, empty. I learned that Snoop Dogg's father was a rapper. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-127 (L)
Snoop Dogg, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!
King Von shoots an air ball in a Finals-like atmosphere! A rapper lost in the noise!
This potential GOAT Lil Wayne dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
King Von beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
Snoop Dogg vents at their teammates! The activist who vents about the protest march!
Halftime! King Von checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know King Von keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
King Von with the off-balance tear drop! This seasoned vet couldn't set the feet!
Snoop Dogg asks for ice! Cooling down, even an activist's engine needs a rest!
Snoop Dogg forces the pass! Forcing their megaphone where it doesn't fit!
Snoop Dogg posts up angrily after the turnover! This guy with rings on every finger spiraling!
Lil Wayne looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a rapper!
King Von rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Lil Wayne picks up his own and folds it carefully. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ice Spice.
Season journal
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