My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | My Team | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Dirk Nowitzki. Standing at 213 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jesus Christ. Profession? Messiah. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
111-109 (W)
Anthony Edwards looks dialed in from the start! Freakish explosiveness preparation showing!
Anthony Edwards plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this solid pro!
Jesus Christ, this once-in-a-lifetime player, comes up empty! A euro-step off target from way beyond the arc!
Michael Jackson turns the perimeter into a workshop. A buzzer-beater crafted with their bare hands!
Michael Jackson with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic philanthropist misdirection!
Break time. Dirk Nowitzki bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. I've been told Dirk Nowitzki once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Jesus Christ tips in the rebound for a floater! All hustle, all heart!
Anthony Edwards, this name that's buzzing, switches seamlessly and locks up! Silky smooth technique shining through!
Deafening noise! Anthony Edwards dribbles and the building shakes!
Anthony Edwards dribbles and drills it! At the last second! Nerves of steel under pressure!
Anthony Edwards blows past off the court victorious! This league veteran leaves it all out there!
Michael Jackson, Jesus Christ, and Stephen Curry pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
104-94 (W)
Jesus Christ opens with a reverse layup! This hall-of-fame lock making an early statement!
Michael Jackson pulls off an and-one out of nowhere! Was that basketball or philanthropist magic? Unbelievable!
Anthony Edwards, this towering presence, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Jesus Christ drops the dime! A messiah with court vision like that? Unreal!
Jesus Christ makes the hockey pass! Eyes in the back of the head finding the extra pass!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jesus Christ picks up the pace. Small detail: Jesus Christ whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, uses every inch to deliver a tear drop!
The building is buzzing! Anthony Edwards and a cathedral silence creating magic!
Jesus Christ sacrifices the body taking the charge! This guy with rings on every finger ultimate teammate!
Jesus Christ, this global icon, has been building to this all game! Late in the quarter!
Stephen Curry, this reliable star, points to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! This was for the fans!
Jesus Christ and Michael Jackson play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Jesus Christ loses. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-108 (L)
Dirk Nowitzki, this All-Star caliber talent, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
This dude putting the league on notice Anthony Edwards shanks a two-handed slam from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
Anthony Edwards with a wild pass that sails out! This name that's buzzing giving it away!
Dirk Nowitzki gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
Michael Jackson, this all-time great, drills another euro-step at half court! Automatic!
Halftime whistle. Michael Jackson spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Michael Jackson entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jackson hangs the head after the miss! Deflated off the pick and roll!
Jesus Christ, this global icon, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Dirk Nowitzki reads the defense perfectly! An unmatched feel for the game and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Anthony Edwards is cramping up! This guy with a proven track record trying to shake it off! Sometimes predictable game!
Michael Jackson looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a philanthropist!
Anthony Edwards scratches the back of his neck nervously. Michael Jackson has the look of someone who has seen things. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
114-102 (W)
And we're underway! Stephen Curry touches the basketball first! This All-Star caliber talent looks eager!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, knifes through for a buzzer beater off the pick and roll! Wow!
Michael Jackson contests the shot! Reaching like a philanthropist reaching for the game!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, hits the cutter perfectly! Freakish explosiveness right on time!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Next-level basketball IQ!
Into the tunnel. Stephen Curry grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Stephen Curry threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Jesus Christ hits a devastating dunk! Scary good handles proving to be the difference tonight!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, feeds off every decibel! A Playoff atmosphere is fuel!
Anthony Edwards, this well-respected player, picks up the fallen teammate! Eyes in the back of the head beyond the stats!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry is the heartbeat of this team! A dramatic twist leadership!
Jesus Christ, this generational talent, embraces the teammates! A fist pump toward the bench! Sweet victory!
Michael Jackson and Stephen Curry leap onto each other like kids. Jesus Christ comes sprinting in and crushes them both. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
110-105 (W)
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
Anthony Edwards times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A charge taken on the low block!
This world-class player Stephen Curry whiffs on a free throw! The crowd groans!
Anthony Edwards fades away past the defense for a euro-step! Size advantage from this this titan!
Jesus Christ takes off into the right spacing! Pure God-given talent and elite court awareness!
Halftime! Dirk Nowitzki has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Dirk Nowitzki once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Anthony Edwards, this legit talent, rises to the occasion! A devastating dunk along the baseline! Huge!
Dirk Nowitzki anticipates the cut and deflects the orange! This max-contract guy reading minds!
Anthony Edwards rises up and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Anthony Edwards converts in traffic during the third quarter! A pull-up jumper! Iron discipline!
Dirk Nowitzki, this mammoth, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Stephen Curry does the robot at center court while Anthony Edwards pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-103 (W)
Anthony Edwards, this absolute unit, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
Stephen Curry explodes and it's a buzzer-beater! This certified bucket proving the doubters wrong!
Stephen Curry with the huge commanding rebound facing the rim! This All-Star caliber talent says no!
Michael Jackson with the touch pass! This first-ballot legend barely had the leather and found the man!
Michael Jackson positions perfectly in the low post! Placement of their bare hands on the game!
Halftime whistle. Michael Jackson has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Staff confession: Michael Jackson is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jesus Christ goes coast to coast for a layup! This guy with rings on every finger is relentless!
Jesus Christ soaks in a cathedral silence! This global icon living for these moments!
Michael Jackson glues the team together! Team-first mentality, pure philanthropist instinct!
They said a messiah couldn't play at this level. Jesus Christ and their bare hands disagree!
Michael Jackson blows past to the crowd! A fist pump toward the bench! This undisputed superstar gave everything!
Stephen Curry mimes popping a champagne bottle. Anthony Edwards mimes chugging straight from it. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
105-86 (W)
This All-Star caliber talent Dirk Nowitzki comes out aggressive! Opens with an and-one at the buzzer!
Jesus Christ, this hall-of-fame lock, reads the play perfectly and delivers a deep three!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry takes the charge on the low block! Gutsy play!
Michael Jackson with the bounce pass! This global icon threading it perfectly!
Dirk Nowitzki, this reliable star, manages the clock beautifully in the first quarter!
Players head to the locker room. Dirk Nowitzki has tape on three fingers. I've been told Dirk Nowitzki always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Anthony Edwards steps back through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
The road crowd tries to rally but Anthony Edwards silences them! An incredible energy!
This established star Stephen Curry defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
Dirk Nowitzki, this long boy, makes a statement! This All-Star caliber talent is here to stay!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, celebrates the win! A team high-five! What a game!
Michael Jackson and Dirk Nowitzki lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. Tonight I had a revelation: Jesus Christ runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
113-92 (W)
Anthony Edwards, this hooper's hooper, draws first blood! A devastating dunk to start!
Stephen Curry converts a tough floater from mid-range! Skill level: elite!
This top-tier talent Dirk Nowitzki with a sky-high block along the baseline! Intimidating!
This dude putting the league on notice Anthony Edwards leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry uses the floater over this combo guard coverage! Smart!
Halftime! Dirk Nowitzki checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Dirk Nowitzki once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
A buzzer beater from Dirk Nowitzki! That's scary good handles at the highest level!
A Playoff atmosphere fills the arena! This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry feeds off the energy!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry swings the rock around! Eyes in the back of the head ball movement!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Stephen Curry dunks in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Dirk Nowitzki and Michael Jackson carry Jesus Christ like a trophy across the entire court. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
97-111 (L)
This bonafide star Stephen Curry means business! Fast start under the basket!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild devastating dunk!
Dirk Nowitzki coughs up the damn ball! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again back to the basket!
Jesus Christ beaten to the spot! Slower than a messiah on a Monday morning!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, showcases iron discipline with a gorgeous floater!
Halftime. Stephen Curry's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Stephen Curry is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Stephen Curry storms to the bench! This jersey-selling name is visibly upset!
The rim rejects Jesus Christ! The rim says no! Even a messiah gets rejected sometimes!
Dirk Nowitzki, this guy everybody knows, orchestrates the delay game! A killer instinct in action!
Jesus Christ grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Dirk Nowitzki picks up his own and folds it carefully. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
101-106 (L)
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Anthony Edwards converts from way beyond the arc! A pull-up jumper with trademark an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
This all-time great Jesus Christ misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jesus Christ misfires from the right corner! This all-time great searching for answers!
Michael Jackson launches with desperation and skill! This living legend not done yet!
Time to breathe. Michael Jackson has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Michael Jackson tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This world-class player Dirk Nowitzki can't deliver when it matters! Tendency to force bad shots under pressure!
Anthony Edwards, this seasoned vet, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Dirk Nowitzki overcomes the early struggles! This bonafide star rising like a phoenix!
Michael Jackson airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
This top-tier talent Dirk Nowitzki shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Stephen Curry clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Michael Jackson fidgets with his wristband nervously. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-110 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Stephen Curry with the contested floater facing the rim! No good! Bad selection!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Michael Jackson overcommits! Going all-in like a philanthropist on the game, but wrong!
Anthony Edwards blows past the rock with purpose! A double-clutch layup! This well-respected player means business!
Halftime! Jesus Christ walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Small detail: Jesus Christ wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Michael Jackson tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the philanthropist will bounce back!
Anthony Edwards attacks but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
Jesus Christ reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this messiah!
Jesus Christ finds a second wind! The messiah engine roars back to life!
Michael Jackson sits alone on the bench. This once-in-a-lifetime player processing the defeat.
Stephen Curry scratches the back of his neck nervously. Anthony Edwards has the look of someone who has seen things. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
91-104 (L)
Stephen Curry attacks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this max-contract guy!
Michael Jackson can't hit from the restricted area! That zone is cursed for this philanthropist!
Dirk Nowitzki throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure at half court!
Michael Jackson, this pint-sized baller, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
This reliable star Stephen Curry goes to work driving to the hoop! An alley-oop drops beautifully!
Break. Dirk Nowitzki collapses next to the vending machine. Intel: Dirk Nowitzki once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're back! The players look fired up.
This reliable star Dirk Nowitzki shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This elite player Stephen Curry short-arms a double-clutch layup back to the basket! Not enough lift!
Jesus Christ manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their bare hands on the game!
Michael Jackson, this generational talent, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
Michael Jackson walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to philanthropist life tomorrow!
Stephen Curry and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
101-113 (L)
Opening possession for Michael Jackson! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Anthony Edwards goes to work the rock right into the defender's hands! Sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ loses possession! The game never leaves a messiah's hands like that!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, gets dunked on facing the rim! Poster material!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry punishes the defense with a half-court heave from the left corner!
Halftime. Stephen Curry wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know? Stephen Curry has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Dirk Nowitzki drops the head after another miss! Shaky emotions under pressure sapping the confidence!
Michael Jackson, this potential GOAT, with a contested floater that misses in transition!
Anthony Edwards, this colossus, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Jesus Christ asks for the ball to slow the pace! This guy with rings on every finger needs air!
Dirk Nowitzki dishes to the tunnel in disappointment. This reliable star will learn from this.
Stephen Curry avoids the cameras like the plague. Anthony Edwards gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Anthony Edwards. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-131 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Dirk Nowitzki, this elite player, fumbles the finish in the paint! Back to the drawing board!
Dirk Nowitzki, this big fella, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Michael Jackson watches helplessly! A philanthropist watching the game fall off the shelf!
Michael Jackson argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Halftime whistle. Dirk Nowitzki high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know Dirk Nowitzki entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
A double-clutch layup from Stephen Curry hits the iron! Injury-prone body under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ needs oxygen! More winded than a messiah after overtime!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Michael Jackson mouths off at after a timeout! A philanthropist venting about the game!
Stephen Curry walks off in silence. This reliable star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Michael Jackson takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Dirk Nowitzki follows the same path. I learned tonight that Michael Jackson used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Stephen Curry fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified bucket starting strong!
Stephen Curry misfires along the baseline! Even this All-Star caliber talent has off nights!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
Anthony Edwards scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to rush!
Dirk Nowitzki dunks angrily after the turnover! This elite player spiraling!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Stephen Curry tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Michael Jackson skips it off the rim! The game has better hop than that!
Dirk Nowitzki, this titan, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
This elite player Dirk Nowitzki loses concentration and the leather with it!
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
Anthony Edwards had the chances but couldn't convert. This up-and-coming baller left wanting.
Michael Jackson scratches the back of his neck nervously. Stephen Curry has the look of someone who has seen things. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Dirk Nowitzki.
Season journal
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