My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Michael Jordan. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 198 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Barry Allen. A superhero. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a superhero, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Barry Allen has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget here is absolutely insane, we're talking stratosphere money. This is Warriors and Suns territory. These guys are so loaded they've triggered the Second Apron: the league literally forbids them from signing free agents or combining salaries in trades. They have zero flexibility, handcuffed by their own damn wealth. It's "championship or crash and burn," no in-between.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
105-108 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Magic Johnson comes out aggressive! Opens with a bank shot in transition!
Kim Jong-un banks a half-court heave off the glass! Geometry learned from the politician life!
Tim Duncan, this giant, fouls unnecessarily along the baseline! Ego the size of Texas!
Kim Jong-un steps back the basketball into nothing! Sometimes predictable game on full display tonight!
Barry Allen steals and scores! This well-respected player cutting the gap from way beyond the arc!
Intermission. Kim Jong-un dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Intel: Kim Jong-un once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Barry Allen airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
Tim Duncan, this absolute unit, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Barry Allen channels their inner superhero,competing the game made these hands!
Magic Johnson with the ill-advised pass in the first half! Intercepted!
This all-time great Kim Jong-un congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this all-time great.
Michael Jordan chews his nails on the bench. Tim Duncan stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
93-97 (L)
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this first-ballot legend brings!
Barry Allen with the highlight-reel sky hook! This league veteran owning the moment!
Kim Jong-un, this short king, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over defense that's basically a suggestion!
Barry Allen can't buy a bucket! Another miss along the baseline! Frustrating!
Kim Jong-un fires away and scores! The comeback is on! This once-in-a-lifetime player believing!
Intermission. Magic Johnson dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Confession: Magic Johnson calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Magic Johnson dunks and bricks it! Tendency to force bad shots in the first quarter!
This up-and-coming baller Barry Allen shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
The transformation of Barry Allen is complete! This seasoned vet has arrived!
Michael Jordan misses in the clutch! A pull-up jumper off the mark in the closing moments!
Magic Johnson, this household name, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Barry Allen rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Kim Jong-un picks up his own and folds it carefully. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
121-101 (W)
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws first blood! A tear drop to start!
What a play by Tim Duncan! A half-court heave under the basket! This All-Star caliber talent is cooking!
Michael Jordan forces the shot-clock violation! Unreal swagger on full display!
Tim Duncan spins and dishes! Gorgeous feed at half court! A killer instinct!
This certified GOAT candidate Magic Johnson recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Coach calls everyone back. Tim Duncan drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Tim Duncan once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Tim Duncan strings together a fadeaway jumper on the low block. Scary good handles on full display!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Kim Jong-un executes the play call! Flawless execution from this politician!
What a journey for Tim Duncan! From the bench to the spotlight! You love to see it!
Kim Jong-un walks off into the sunset! Tomorrow: back to shaping the public policy!
Magic Johnson mimes popping a champagne bottle. Kim Jong-un mimes chugging straight from it. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
122-101 (W)
This absolute legend Michael Jordan means business! Fast start in the paint!
Kim Jong-un fades away from the right corner with the same confidence they bring to shaping the public policy.
Barry Allen strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Kim Jong-un dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this politician!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Well-deserved break. Michael Jordan looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Exclusive: Michael Jordan was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Michael Jordan attacks and converts! A tear drop on the low block! Money!
Listen to that roar! Tim Duncan explodes and the place explodes!
Barry Allen provides the spark! Electric energy, the superhero is firing on all cylinders!
Barry Allen goes to work into the record books! This established player making memories!
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, embraces the teammates! A bench mob celebration! Sweet victory!
Magic Johnson cries tears of joy in Barry Allen's arms. Tim Duncan is also crying but nobody knows why. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
119-77 (W)
Magic Johnson dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this franchise cornerstone!
Kim Jong-un scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a politician!
Tim Duncan dunks the basketball through traffic! What a pass by this certified bucket!
A two-handed slam from Kim Jong-un off the pick and roll! That's a statement right there!
Tim Duncan blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Kim Jong-un asks for an ice pack. Confession: Kim Jong-un tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
A sky hook! Barry Allen cannot be stopped tonight! This well-respected player is locked in!
Kim Jong-un piles it on! Stacking lengths ahead like it's nothing! The politician is dominant!
This headliner Tim Duncan celebrates too early! A catch-and-shoot triple didn't count! Awkward!
Tim Duncan pumps the fist! This franchise guy feeling it driving to the hoop! A team high-five!
Kim Jong-un grabs the game ball! This basketball god earned it tonight!
Barry Allen runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
123-92 (W)
Tim Duncan penetrates into position! This big-name player not wasting any time!
Barry Allen lets fly the basketball with iron discipline. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Michael Jordan forces the step-out-of-bounds! This absolute legend hawking the ball!
Michael Jordan with the no-look pass! This guy with rings on every finger has eyes in the back of the head!
Kim Jong-un manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their campaign podium on the public policy!
Break. Barry Allen collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Barry Allen was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Barry Allen hooks it in! The arc of a superhero swinging their bare hands!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A sold-out gym on fire as Michael Jordan steps up!
Kim Jong-un unites the squad with a fluid motion offense! The unifier, the politician of the public policy!
Barry Allen, this do-it-all player, embodies the spirit of competition! What a show!
This elite player Tim Duncan is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Barry Allen cries tears of joy in Michael Jordan's arms. Magic Johnson is also crying but nobody knows why. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
101-104 (L)
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Magic Johnson, this hall-of-fame lock, exploits the mismatch for a half-court heave! Too easy!
Michael Jordan, this colossus, can't keep up with the speed! Injury-prone body exposed!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kim Jong-un short-arms an off-balance shot under the basket! Not enough lift!
Tim Duncan hits at the buzzer! The crowd is back in it! Game on!
Halftime whistle! Barry Allen grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Barry Allen once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Kim Jong-un turns it over at after a timeout! Worst time to drop the Spalding!
Kim Jong-un steps back and kicks the stanchion! This franchise cornerstone losing composure!
This up-and-coming baller Barry Allen embraces the pressure! This is what greatness looks like!
Barry Allen, this league veteran, commits the late turnover! Hot head with the ball!
Tim Duncan walks off in silence. This world-class player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Tim Duncan slams his fist on the bench. Magic Johnson places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I learned that Tim Duncan's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-109 (L)
Kim Jong-un, this absolute legend, embraces the Finals-like atmosphere! Game on!
Magic Johnson misses the open look! This hall-of-fame lock can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, gets called for the carry! Defense that's basically a suggestion in ball-handling!
Barry Allen gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Kim Jong-un nails an alley-oop with the ease of a politician who shapes the public policy. Natural!
Break! Kim Jong-un takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Kim Jong-un blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Barry Allen throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Tim Duncan crosses over but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
This undisputed superstar Kim Jong-un attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Michael Jordan is gassed! This franchise cornerstone bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Tim Duncan had the chances but couldn't convert. This All-Star caliber talent left wanting.
Barry Allen clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Michael Jordan fidgets with his wristband nervously. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
98-99 (L)
Barry Allen bounces the Spalding pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
A floater from Magic Johnson! That's freakish explosiveness at the highest level!
Michael Jordan reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
This guy with rings on every finger Kim Jong-un throws up a prayer facing the rim! Not answered!
Tim Duncan with the momentum-shifting buzzer beater! This All-Star caliber talent turning the tide!
That's a wrap for now. Michael Jordan dives into the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Michael Jordan talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Barry Allen misses both free throws! A superhero failing the game inspection, twice!
Michael Jordan can't mask the disappointment! This first-ballot legend wearing it on the sleeve!
This game belongs to Michael Jordan! This absolute legend stamping authority from the left corner!
This household name Magic Johnson picks up the foul in coming out of the locker room! Terrible timing!
This franchise guy Tim Duncan tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kim Jong-un sits on the floor in the hallway. Tim Duncan sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
110-109 (W)
Game time! Barry Allen and this established player ready to put on a show at the floor!
Barry Allen with the defensive rebound! Secured like only a superhero can!
Air ball from Barry Allen! Being a superhero doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Barry Allen with an and-one! The finesse of their bare hands right there on the field house!
Kim Jong-un, this potential GOAT, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Scary good handles!
Halftime. Tim Duncan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Confession: Tim Duncan calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
This household name Michael Jordan converts the and-one on a strategic timeout! Three-point play!
Tim Duncan, this long boy, contests everything driving to the hoop! A gym-rat work ethic on full display!
This reliable star Tim Duncan brings a hostile crowd to a new level! Incredible scene!
Michael Jordan nails a pull-up jumper with the shot clock winding down! Clutch!
Barry Allen wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their bare hands and the Wilson!
Tim Duncan runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Behind the scenes, I learned Barry Allen was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
103-114 (L)
Barry Allen, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!
Magic Johnson, this first-ballot legend, comes up empty! A euro-step off target on the low block!
Kim Jong-un explodes the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Barry Allen gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
A bank shot from downtown by Tim Duncan! This towering presence with the long range!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Kim Jong-un asks for an ice pack. Juicy anecdote: Kim Jong-un was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Michael Jordan gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
Tim Duncan lets fly the basketball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this elite player!
This generational talent Michael Jordan adjusts the angle mid-drive! Freakish explosiveness body control!
Tim Duncan, this walking skyscraper, looks exhausted from way beyond the arc! The legs are gone!
Barry Allen shakes hands through the pain! A superhero who respects their bare hands and the game!
Barry Allen presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Kim Jong-un walks right past without noticing. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
91-120 (L)
And we're underway! Magic Johnson touches the Wilson first! This household name looks eager!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan muscles up a reverse layup but can't get it to fall!
Kim Jong-un coughs it up! A politician's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Kim Jong-un gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
Michael Jordan, this giant, uses strength and skill for a catch-and-shoot triple! Complete player!
Break. Kim Jong-un's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know? Kim Jong-un once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Tim Duncan blows past away from the huddle! This franchise guy in a dark place mentally!
Kim Jong-un bobbles and misses! Fumbling the Spalding like it's a Monday morning!
Kim Jong-un positions perfectly in the baseline! Placement of their campaign podium on the public policy!
Kim Jong-un gulps water! As thirsty as a politician reaching for the public policy!
Tim Duncan, this multi-time All-Star, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Magic Johnson hurls his water bottle at the wall. Michael Jordan flinches but doesn't react. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-123 (L)
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Kim Jong-un, this pocket rocket, wastes a golden chance with a wild floater!
Magic Johnson coughs up the rock! Limited stamina strikes again in transition!
Barry Allen, this versatile guy, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to force bad shots exposed in the mismatch!
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a politician after a long shift!
Halftime. Magic Johnson throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Magic Johnson started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Michael Jordan pulls up the leather right into the defender's hands! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Magic Johnson, this beanpole, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Barry Allen, this all-around player, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
Magic Johnson, this oversized freak, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Kim Jong-un's lip is trembling. Tim Duncan dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-109 (L)
Kim Jong-un comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the politician means business!
Kim Jong-un gets a clean look but sometimes predictable game costs the bucket!
Kim Jong-un trips up in the left wing! A politician never trips at work... Right?
This dude putting the league on notice Barry Allen misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Kim Jong-un muscles through for a step-back three! The strength of a politician moving the public policy!
Both teams head to the locker room. Kim Jong-un wipes his forehead with his jersey. Intel: Kim Jong-un asked San Antonio Skyscrapers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Barry Allen glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this superhero!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan with a rare miss at the top of the key! Even the best stumble!
Michael Jordan reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Kim Jong-un vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their campaign podium reinforced with the public policy!
Magic Johnson replays the score in his head on a loop. Michael Jordan tries to think about something else. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
96-126 (L)
Tim Duncan, this tower, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
A bucket from Barry Allen hits the iron! Defense that's basically a suggestion under the spotlight!
This multi-time All-Star Tim Duncan commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the left corner!
Tim Duncan gets screened out of the play! This elite player lost in traffic!
Magic Johnson with the tough devastating dunk through contact! This potential GOAT won't be denied!
Finally a breather. Barry Allen has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: Barry Allen fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Tim Duncan, this max-contract guy, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Magic Johnson, this beanpole, can't finish from way beyond the arc! That one stings!
Magic Johnson blows past the ball out of the trap! Insane court vision under pressure!
Barry Allen looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a superhero relieved of their bare hands!
Kim Jong-un, this short king, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Michael Jordan refuses the coach's embrace. Tim Duncan accepts it but his body is stiff. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
My Team finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season journal
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