My dream soccer team — football_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Lightning press from Christian Pulisic, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Christian Pulisic does the striker's job! On the loose ball from Olivier Giroud, he stabs with the tip of his boot, GOAL!

Christian Pulisic and João Félix do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. LeBron James arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Olivier Giroud produces a showpiece dribble, a roulette followed by a sharp cut. It is a magic trick. Olivier Giroud delivers a tidy ball to Christian Pulisic, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Brilliant opening from Christian Pulisic for Antonio Rüdiger, frees up the entire left flank.

What positioning from Reece James! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Reece James gives it to Christian Pulisic into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Monumental ball from Christian Pulisic to Kai Havertz, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Kai Havertz plays the simple ball to Kalidou Koulibaly, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

GOAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

LeBron James and Travis Scott do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. LeBron James arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Quick exchange between Travis Scott and Christian Pulisic, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Christian Pulisic floats it into the gap for Kalidou Koulibaly, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Inch-perfect cross from Kalidou Koulibaly, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Kai Havertz at the back post. Corner from Kai Havertz, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line!

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" LeBron James takes the hit without responding. Antonio Rüdiger drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Now Kai Havertz has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 193 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' Olivier Giroud trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

The corner from João Félix picks out Christian Pulisic in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. João Félix heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Thiago Silva pings a long diagonal to Kai Havertz, completely shifts the point of attack.

Christian Pulisic rolls it to Travis Scott, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Travis Scott drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Patrick Mahomes read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Patrick Mahomes hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

Smooth transition from Antonio Rüdiger to Kai Havertz, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Kai Havertz spots Reece James peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive.

The attacker tries to sprint past but Antonio Rüdiger grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow card. Antonio Rüdiger racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Antonio Rüdiger fancies himself from the free kick but sends it into orbit. Woeful effort.

It's there! Paris Saint-Glinglin tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Well spotted by Reece James who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. SO CLOSE! Kai Havertz sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. Just wide from João Félix, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

You can feel the tide turning, they're camped in the opposition half now. Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. Thiago Silva reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Thiago Silva hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Painful afternoon. João Félix and Kai Havertz walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Paris Saint-Glinglin's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

What a mess! México No-Era-Penal capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. LeBron James in the box, diving head first into a sea of defenders. João Félix dominates the defender in the air and meets it with his head! The ball flies into the net, GOAL!

LeBron James does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Kalidou Koulibaly launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. LeBron James arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. GOOOOAL for Patrick Mahomes! ABSOLUTE SCREAMER, the keeper dives at thin air, the ball ends up in the back of the net!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Patrick Mahomes strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. LeBron James points at it, jaw on the floor. LeBron James shakes his head, not believing it.

A tug on the shirt from Kai Havertz, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Kai Havertz puts too much welly on the free kick, the ball flies over without troubling the keeper.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Kai Havertz mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Short free kick from Kai Havertz to Olivier Giroud, they are trying the training ground move. Nutmeg from Olivier Giroud on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. BY A WHISKER! Olivier Giroud fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

The gaffer pulls up México No-Era-Penal's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Thiago Silva, you have the pace. Travis Scott, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Inside info here — João Félix insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 27, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' And the second half is go! Patrick Mahomes charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Lovely use of the ball by Christian Pulisic, finding Olivier Giroud in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Rapid combination: Olivier Giroud to Kai Havertz, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Textbook lay-off from Kai Havertz to Thiago Silva who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Kai Havertz wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. Kai Havertz is booked for repeated fouls. Should have come five minutes ago, honestly. Free kick blocked by the wall! Kai Havertz couldn't find a way through. Short restart from LeBron James to Christian Pulisic, building from the back nice and tidy.

Kai Havertz launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Reece James, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Reece James gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of João Félix. Header lost by João Félix, the opponent took the elevator while João Félix stayed on the ground floor.

Christian Pulisic does not fancy the shot and goes short to Kai Havertz, trying to disorganise the defence. Overlap and cross from Kai Havertz, the ball drops at the feet of Christian Pulisic in the heart of the box. Cross from Christian Pulisic deflected by the defence, Thiago Silva will not see the ball this time. The corner from Travis Scott is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Kai Havertz pings a ridiculous diagonal to Olivier Giroud. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

The film producer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. That's a dive and a half from Travis Scott. He'll be embarrassed when he sees that back. Travis Scott cautioned for simulation, he's only cheated himself with that pathetic dive. Travis Scott plays the free kick into the danger zone, Reece James arrives at the penalty spot.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Lovely interception from Reece James, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Reece James to Antonio Rüdiger, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Sharp cut inside from Antonio Rüdiger, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. Antonio Rüdiger drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches João Félix. Header from João Félix, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target.

Shared match. LeBron James walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Antonio Rüdiger does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

High recovery from Kai Havertz! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Surging run from Kai Havertz from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. GOAL from Kai Havertz with a LOB! The keeper rushes out, Kai Havertz stays COOL as ice and chips the ball over him. It drops into the empty net, that is MASTERFUL!

João Félix puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Kai Havertz comes steaming in. Kai Havertz tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck. Corner from Thiago Silva, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

They step up on every carrier, the opposition is absolutely smothered. Christian Pulisic clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Free kick stopped! Christian Pulisic shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended. Christian Pulisic delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away!

Olivier Giroud catches the attacker with a wild lunge, the referee has no choice but to blow up. The referee's been called over to the monitor. Nobody knows which way this is going. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Olivier Giroud is sent to the dressing room! Red card! Olivier Giroud has been sent off for a career-ending challenge. No arguments there. The free kick from Olivier Giroud lands right on João Félix in the heart of the box. What a delivery!

And there it is, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

LeBron James runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Olivier Giroud joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Antonio Rüdiger, stop dropping deep. Olivier Giroud, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. A cracking detail — João Félix, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' Right then, part two. Patrick Mahomes adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

The pace is mental, nobody knows how this is going to end. Olivier Giroud curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

LeBron James lumps it long towards Antonio Rüdiger, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Antonio Rüdiger sets it for Christian Pulisic, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Christian Pulisic slips Kai Havertz in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Kai Havertz rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Kalidou Koulibaly. The far side is completely deserted.

Ball over the top from João Félix, Kalidou Koulibaly had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. JUST WIIIIIDE from Kalidou Koulibaly! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. João Félix brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective.

What a scramble from Patrick Mahomes's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears! Massive clearance from Patrick Mahomes, just get the ball as far away as possible. Thiago Silva is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete.

LeBron James sparks the transition with a quick throw to Kalidou Koulibaly, the break is lightning fast. Kalidou Koulibaly aims for Christian Pulisic but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

Long kick from LeBron James, Olivier Giroud positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Olivier Giroud picks out Christian Pulisic with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Burst of speed from Christian Pulisic, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Christian Pulisic sends a delightful lobbed cross, the ball clears the defence and drops for Antonio Rüdiger.

A draw — that grey zone. Kalidou Koulibaly signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Olivier Giroud adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Everything on the line, LeBron James is up, nothing to lose now. Christian Pulisic stretches in the air and powers the header of the match! On the cross from Travis Scott, it is in the top corner. GOAL!

LeBron James mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Kai Havertz plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. LeBron James applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Travis Scott puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. GOOOAL from the film producer! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Kalidou Koulibaly keeps it short to Travis Scott, no frills, just good football intelligence. Travis Scott goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner. The corner from the film producer is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery.

Thiago Silva tries the downward header on the corner from Travis Scott but it goes wide. Wrong angle. Instinctive clearance from Antonio Rüdiger who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Kalidou Koulibaly goes crossfield to Reece James, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Incredible burst of pace from Christian Pulisic, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Christian Pulisic plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Kalidou Koulibaly in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. The crowd cannot believe it! Kalidou Koulibaly misses in front of an open goal after the perfect service from Olivier Giroud. That is physically painful to watch.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. João Félix stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. LeBron James bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. Patrick Mahomes once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 31-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Travis Scott leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Switch from Christian Pulisic! The ball arcs over the midfield and Antonio Rüdiger collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Magnificent leap from Antonio Rüdiger who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Antonio Rüdiger scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Huge aerial duel won by Kalidou Koulibaly, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Kai Havertz puts Thiago Silva in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Thiago Silva buries his chance from Travis Scott's ball but the celebrations last about two seconds. Offside! LeBron James distributes short to Patrick Mahomes, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Quick throw from LeBron James to João Félix out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. João Félix takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Good ball from João Félix to Olivier Giroud, playing it quick between the lines. Olivier Giroud tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

They've nicked a goal! Dakar Teranga FC catch us cold on the break.

Antonio Rüdiger boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Olivier Giroud jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. COME ON João Félix rises and thumps his header! But it goes wide of the post, infuriating. Kai Havertz boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Reece James senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Kai Havertz tries to open it up for Patrick Mahomes but the timing is miles off. Possession lost.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Antonio Rüdiger drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Patrick Mahomes slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Dakar Teranga FC trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-3 (L)

They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. Kai Havertz sends Christian Pulisic into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. GOOOOOAL for Christian Pulisic! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Kai Havertz mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Patrick Mahomes plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. LeBron James plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

LeBron James is doing nonsense in front of his goal! He dribbles for nothing and loses the ball, CRIMINAL. What POSITIONAL SENSE from Christian Pulisic! He is on the penalty spot for the cross from Kai Havertz and scores easily. GOAL!

Antonio Rüdiger sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Christian Pulisic. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Christian Pulisic rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Lay-off from Christian Pulisic to Kai Havertz, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

LeBron James falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Thiago Silva arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

With one swing of the boot, Kalidou Koulibaly finds Kai Havertz on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. What a tackle by Kai Havertz! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Kai Havertz gifts Olivier Giroud a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. OHHH Olivier Giroud unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to LeBron James: "206 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 42 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Antonio Rüdiger has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 33, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' Back on the pitch and Thiago Silva is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Antonio Rüdiger launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. The american football player fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Booking for Patrick Mahomes. That knee-high challenge was asking for a card all day long.

Antonio Rüdiger goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Massive clearance from Antonio Rüdiger in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The basketball player goes long for Kai Havertz, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Kai Havertz swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Olivier Giroud, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

It's a goal for Douala Makossa-Corner! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

LeBron James unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Travis Scott makes a heart sign with his hands. LeBron James finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

LeBron James smashes a volley towards Thiago Silva, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Thiago Silva! Travis Scott receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Firm pass from Travis Scott into Christian Pulisic, right into the boots. No waste. Good run from Christian Pulisic who crosses to the near post for Patrick Mahomes. The defender is beaten to it.

Tidy restart from LeBron James along the deck to Kalidou Koulibaly, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Underhit ball from Kalidou Koulibaly, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Kalidou Koulibaly pierces the backline with a low through ball, Olivier Giroud latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. CRAAACKER from Olivier Giroud outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

Killer ball from Kalidou Koulibaly through the gap! Patrick Mahomes bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Shot from the american football player, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. The basketball player finds João Félix with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. João Félix feeds Olivier Giroud in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Olivier Giroud flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan.

Unbelievable! Douala Makossa-Corner score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Full moonwalk from LeBron James, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Antonio Rüdiger does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. LeBron James applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Kalidou Koulibaly boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Olivier Giroud spots Christian Pulisic in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Right-footed cross from Christian Pulisic, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Reece James. Reece James is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Reece James was barely on his way up. LeBron James comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control.

Christian Pulisic is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Antonio Rüdiger sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

They've done it! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

LeBron James scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Thiago Silva is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Olivier Giroud uses Reece James as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. What composure from Olivier Giroud! On the pass from Kai Havertz, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

LeBron James sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Olivier Giroud, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Crunching tackle by Kalidou Koulibaly on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. João Félix bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. João Félix puts the ball right into the mixer, Travis Scott arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster.

Christian Pulisic threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Kai Havertz bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. The defence holds its line and Kai Havertz is caught offside from Antonio Rüdiger's ball over the top. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Christian Pulisic launches it to Thiago Silva on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Stunning one-two between Olivier Giroud and Thiago Silva, the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer. That's been flagged. Olivier Giroud was in an offside position when Reece James played it through. The basketball player throws it out to Thiago Silva, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Little shift from Thiago Silva to Olivier Giroud, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. LeBron James, you go left. Antonio Rüdiger, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. The entire squad confirmed that LeBron James has a secret Love Island group chat where the 42-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 206, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The gaffer gives Antonio Rüdiger one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Antonio Rüdiger runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope. Floated cross from João Félix off the right, Patrick Mahomes has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. The american football player is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

Antonio Rüdiger hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Long ball from Thiago Silva to Olivier Giroud, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Olivier Giroud launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Olivier Giroud was flying.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Christian Pulisic wants to find João Félix between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

João Félix pulls off a sombrero flick over the defender in open play, the opponent is humiliated. João Félix powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. João Félix crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Thiago Silva is in the right place.

Brilliant pass from Reece James! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Travis Scott is onto it. Wide from the film producer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The film producer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Kalidou Koulibaly. Pure quality, as per usual.

LeBron James catapults the ball towards Kai Havertz from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Kai Havertz triggers a change of flanks for Travis Scott, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Travis Scott, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Enormous clearance from Travis Scott inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Short distribution from LeBron James to Thiago Silva, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Honours even. Travis Scott finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Olivier Giroud walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Oh the TOUCH from Olivier Giroud! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Olivier Giroud spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Knee slide from Olivier Giroud right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. João Félix does the same down the line. LeBron James turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Overlap from Olivier Giroud on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Olivier Giroud beautifully lobs the defence with a chipped cross, Kalidou Koulibaly is there to finish. GOOOOOAL! Kalidou Koulibaly climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Christian Pulisic and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

Olivier Giroud kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Christian Pulisic takes a knee behind him. LeBron James raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Thiago Silva links up with Kalidou Koulibaly, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Kalidou Koulibaly plays it simple to Olivier Giroud, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Olivier Giroud beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. LOOONG range effort from Olivier Giroud! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

Antonio Rüdiger finds Travis Scott between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Free kick conceded by the film producer, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner.

High recovery from Kai Havertz who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Step-overs from Kai Havertz, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. WHAT A SHAME for Kai Havertz! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Thiago Silva is livid, gesturing wildly. Kalidou Koulibaly chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Reece James's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 179 and 27 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Thiago Silva comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. The basketball player stretches the leg at the last moment and blocks the strike. In that position, it is that instinctive reflex that wins matches. LeBron James plays it short to Kalidou Koulibaly, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

GOAAAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

LeBron James finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Travis Scott plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Christian Pulisic charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Christian Pulisic lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Patrick Mahomes arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario. Ball claimed by LeBron James on the cross, total authority in his box. LeBron James finds Antonio Rüdiger with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Thiago Silva throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. One laser pass from Thiago Silva and the entire defence is eliminated, Antonio Rüdiger is through on goal. The space is enormous. Antonio Rüdiger is a fraction offside when João Félix plays the ball, the flag goes up instantly.

Lifesaving clearance from Kalidou Koulibaly! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over.

And that's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

The corner from Travis Scott is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there. Travis Scott throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Reece James puts it right into the feet of Kai Havertz, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Body feint from Kai Havertz, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

1-1 and off we go. Kalidou Koulibaly hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. LeBron James does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Short build-up from Kai Havertz to Antonio Rüdiger, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Antonio Rüdiger plays off Kalidou Koulibaly, the return arrives right down the middle and Antonio Rüdiger is free as a bird. GOOOAL! Antonio Rüdiger picks up the ball, dribbles past THREE defenders and slips the ball through the keeper's legs. CRAZY GOAL!

Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Antonio Rüdiger opens up to Reece James on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. SHOOOOOT from Reece James, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Full throttle at both ends, the gaps between the lines are massive. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Magnificent shift from João Félix! Reece James picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Burst of pace from Reece James on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

The keeper stays focused, knowing something has to give. Christian Pulisic curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Reece James clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. LeBron James plays out from the back with Travis Scott, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Header won by Travis Scott, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. The film producer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Kai Havertz is hoarding the fried eggs. LeBron James is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." Remarkable little detail about LeBron James — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 42 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Out they come. Thiago Silva has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Superb pass from Travis Scott into the gap for Kalidou Koulibaly, the defender is rooted to the spot. The ref points to the centre circle then checks with the assistant... NO! Kalidou Koulibaly was offside from Patrick Mahomes's pass! LeBron James distributes by hand to Travis Scott on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Corner from Christian Pulisic, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Antonio Rüdiger to Kai Havertz, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Acceleration from Kai Havertz down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Kai Havertz attempts a feint but the defender does not bite. Clean ball loss. Clinical interception from Olivier Giroud, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so.

Superb defensive work from Kalidou Koulibaly there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Kalidou Koulibaly picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. Ground pass from Kalidou Koulibaly into the free zone for Thiago Silva, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Travis Scott swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears! João Félix winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Reece James slides it to Thiago Silva, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Sideways ball from Thiago Silva to João Félix, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Close-quarters dribble from João Félix, he finds space where there is none. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from João Félix! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

Brilliant! LeBron James goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Kalidou Koulibaly photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Classy interception from Thiago Silva, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Solo charge from Thiago Silva, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. GOOOOOAL! Thiago Silva places it inside the post from the cross by Christian Pulisic, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Rehearsed move all week: Thiago Silva and Patrick Mahomes stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. LeBron James plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Reece James launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. LeBron James launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Travis Scott after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Travis Scott wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. The film producer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Kai Havertz embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. Kai Havertz tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Short restart from the basketball player to Kai Havertz, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Kai Havertz crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed.

Kalidou Koulibaly sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Kalidou Koulibaly decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Kalidou Koulibaly frees up the entire channel for Travis Scott with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot.

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. LeBron James is at the centre, lifted up by João Félix and LeBron James, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Antonio Rüdiger: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Kai Havertz, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. LeBron James once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 42-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Right then, part two. Kalidou Koulibaly adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Massive punt from LeBron James, sends the ball sixty yards, Patrick Mahomes is scrapping for it up top. The opponent gets the better of Patrick Mahomes in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Lovely take from the basketball player! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Olivier Giroud shifts it to Kalidou Koulibaly with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Kalidou Koulibaly spreads it to Thiago Silva, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. One touch football: Patrick Mahomes to Olivier Giroud, faster than the opposition can think. Olivier Giroud reaches the byline and pulls it back for Christian Pulisic, the low ball fizzes through the area.

Thiago Silva unleashes a raking ball out to Patrick Mahomes, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The american football player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Olivier Giroud sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Quick one-two between Olivier Giroud and Patrick Mahomes, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Nutmeg from Patrick Mahomes, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that.

Free kick played short, João Félix to Antonio Rüdiger, they bypass the wall with the combination. Antonio Rüdiger lays it off first time to Patrick Mahomes, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Clearance from the basketball player towards Travis Scott, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Travis Scott loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. LeBron James grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands. Lay-off from Olivier Giroud to Antonio Rüdiger, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Just launching balls forward, only thing that matters is being up top. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Reece James slides the ball into space for João Félix, he is away down the middle.

Points shared with Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Kai Havertz slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Thiago Silva has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Corner from the film producer and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital. Thiago Silva has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

Olivier Giroud puts Antonio Rüdiger into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. What PRESENCE from Antonio Rüdiger in the box! He toes the ball into the net. PURE OPPORTUNIST'S GOAL!

It was bound to happen. Rio Malandro FC score and honestly, we deserved that.

Rapid combination: Olivier Giroud to Christian Pulisic, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Foul given against Christian Pulisic, he went through the back of the opponent. Booking for Christian Pulisic, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

LeBron James places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Christian Pulisic falls to his knees bowing. LeBron James does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

LeBron James is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of LeBron James: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Dietitians have given up on Travis Scott, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 35 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Kalidou Koulibaly is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Authoritative clearance from Kalidou Koulibaly in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Lay-off from Olivier Giroud to Travis Scott, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Brilliant cut-back from Travis Scott along the grass for Kai Havertz. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Miss of the season from Kai Havertz! Travis Scott serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming.

The film producer lays it off first time to Antonio Rüdiger, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Antonio Rüdiger gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Travis Scott with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy.

Kai Havertz tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Kai Havertz spots the keeper off his line and goes for the lob... not enough finesse, the goalkeeper retreats and gathers. LeBron James rolls it short to Patrick Mahomes into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Christian Pulisic drops a lofted ball to Patrick Mahomes, it sails over the entire midfield line. Crucial intervention from the american football player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Quick exchange between Patrick Mahomes and Kalidou Koulibaly, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Brilliant switch of play from Travis Scott! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Christian Pulisic. Christian Pulisic is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day.

Short free kick from the american football player, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. Firm pass from Reece James into Olivier Giroud, right into the boots. No waste.

Corner from Travis Scott, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! Panicked clearance from Thiago Silva, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Level at the final whistle. LeBron James and Kalidou Koulibaly walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

They press the keeper, he launches one up the pitch into nothing. Christian Pulisic presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. GOOOOOOAL! Christian Pulisic meets the pass from Patrick Mahomes and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Christian Pulisic climbs onto Kai Havertz's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. LeBron James circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Christian Pulisic slips Antonio Rüdiger in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. OHHH Antonio Rüdiger strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Great vision from Christian Pulisic who switches to Olivier Giroud. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

João Félix delivers an inswinging free kick, Kai Havertz at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Masterful aerial duel from Kai Havertz, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Overlap from Kai Havertz on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Trip by Kai Havertz, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Kai Havertz gives it short to Antonio Rüdiger from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

LeBron James points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Travis Scott comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Free kick from Christian Pulisic played as a cross, Thiago Silva positions himself at the far post. Header from Thiago Silva on the perfect cross from Christian Pulisic, it fliiies but it is over the bar! Emergency clearance from Christian Pulisic, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Christian Pulisic wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, LeBron James, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." LeBron James takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Reports suggest that Travis Scott once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 35 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' And they are off! Patrick Mahomes touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

What a ball from Kai Havertz! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Olivier Giroud is away on his own. That is velvet. The stadium erupts but WAIT! Olivier Giroud is flagged offside from Antonio Rüdiger's ball. Goal chalked off! The referee raises his finger, listening to VAR. Time has stopped inside this ground. After all that drama, VAR confirms Kalidou Koulibaly's goal! Well deserved!

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Travis Scott fires the ball over to Antonio Rüdiger with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Antonio Rüdiger loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts.

Clearance from the basketball player towards Christian Pulisic, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Christian Pulisic is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. Kalidou Koulibaly heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect.

João Félix feeds Antonio Rüdiger on the short corner, slowing the tempo, pulling the defense around. Antonio Rüdiger reaches the byline and cuts it back for Kai Havertz arriving from the second wave. Poor cross from Kai Havertz, the ball sails three yards over the head of Olivier Giroud. Wasteful. Clearance from the basketball player towards Patrick Mahomes, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Enormous leap from the american football player who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Wing switch from Patrick Mahomes, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Antonio Rüdiger brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Antonio Rüdiger rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Firm pass from Antonio Rüdiger into Travis Scott, right into the boots. No waste.

Level at the final whistle. Kai Havertz and Thiago Silva walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Short pass from the american football player to Kalidou Koulibaly, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Intense pressing from Kalidou Koulibaly, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. GOOOAL for Kalidou Koulibaly! Not the prettiest goal in the world but it is in! Striker's instinct, GOAL!

PENALTY! Kai Havertz shoots and it hits a hand in the box. The referee points to the spot, absolutely textbook decision. Patrick Mahomes sends the keeper the wrong way from the spot. Did not even flinch.

Smooth transition from Kai Havertz to Reece James, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Reece James beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. Late challenge from Reece James, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. The referee shows yellow to Reece James. That was a crude, agricultural tackle. The wall is impenetrable! Reece James's free kick is blocked straight away.

Nightmare! Milano Piano-Piano score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

'I told you so' mode. LeBron James eyeballs the Milano Piano-Piano bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Christian Pulisic pulls LeBron James away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Olivier Giroud shifts it to Kai Havertz with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Wicked through ball from Kai Havertz, the ball skims the grass and finds Travis Scott who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Overlap from Travis Scott with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. João Félix winces. LeBron James looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Christian Pulisic ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 28 and 177, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show The Great British Guess Off! To win a tin of Quality Street with all the good ones already taken, text 0800CHOC and answer: 'Which Quality Street does nobody ever pick first?' Travis Scott leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Enormous press from Travis Scott who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Line-breaking pass from Travis Scott! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Kalidou Koulibaly picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Kalidou Koulibaly tries a crossfield ball to Reece James but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Interception from Christian Pulisic who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Christian Pulisic. Christian Pulisic absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

They've scored again! Milano Piano-Piano are running riot and we can't cope.

The american football player finds Reece James along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Shot from Reece James, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Thiago Silva looks up and launches a long pass towards Antonio Rüdiger. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Almighty boot from Thiago Silva who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. The basketball player throws it out to Thiago Silva, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Thiago Silva beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Thiago Silva thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Thiago Silva shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Thiago Silva covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run.

Antonio Rüdiger boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. Christian Pulisic sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Reece James in the thick of it.

Thiago Silva steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Raid from Thiago Silva starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness.

Level. Patrick Mahomes picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. João Félix waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Margaret from Didcot says it's the toffee penny and she will die on that hill. She wins the tin of leftovers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. What CLASS from João Félix! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

João Félix falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Christian Pulisic arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Thiago Silva with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. GOOOAL! João Félix onto the pass from Travis Scott produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Thiago Silva strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. LeBron James points at it, jaw on the floor. LeBron James shakes his head, not believing it.

What a disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Three-man routine: LeBron James, João Félix and LeBron James do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

João Félix triggers the one-two with Olivier Giroud in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes. João Félix gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. João Félix blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. João Félix pretends to strike and lays it off to Christian Pulisic, well worked short free kick.

LeBron James boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Antonio Rüdiger! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Huge interception from Antonio Rüdiger! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. João Félix winces. Travis Scott looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Olivier Giroud once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 40-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Thiago Silva claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Kalidou Koulibaly. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Phenomenal run from Kalidou Koulibaly, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. Shifting pass from Kalidou Koulibaly to Travis Scott, the ball drifts into the free zone and Travis Scott is onto it in two strides.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Strike from João Félix that goes into the birds. That is light years away from the frame. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch.

They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now. Christian Pulisic looks up and swings in a floated cross, Travis Scott rises among the defenders. The film producer rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Quick dribble from Patrick Mahomes, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Dangerous play from Patrick Mahomes! He's left the ground and caught the attacker high. That's reckless. Patrick Mahomes is cautioned for dangerous play. That high foot endangered everyone around him. Patrick Mahomes plays the free kick back to João Félix, they are looking for the shooting angle. João Félix keeps it short to Kalidou Koulibaly, no frills, just good football intelligence.

And it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

LeBron James climbs onto Travis Scott's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. LeBron James circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Decisive interception from Thiago Silva who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Thiago Silva saw it all. Clearance from Thiago Silva under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Diagonal from Christian Pulisic to Thiago Silva, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Olivier Giroud links up with Antonio Rüdiger, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Wasteful from Antonio Rüdiger on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Olivier Giroud throws his arms up in frustration. João Félix throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Lovely use of the ball by João Félix, finding Antonio Rüdiger in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Little shift from Antonio Rüdiger to Kalidou Koulibaly, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

A draw — that grey zone. LeBron James signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Kai Havertz adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Christian Pulisic keeps it short to Kai Havertz, no frills, just good football intelligence. Cut-back along the deck from Kai Havertz, Reece James pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. Reece James gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Christian Pulisic eyeballs the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. João Félix pulls Christian Pulisic away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Thiago Silva clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Lay-off from Kai Havertz to Patrick Mahomes, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Patrick Mahomes to Olivier Giroud, instant return, and Patrick Mahomes is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock.

Olivier Giroud picks out Thiago Silva with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Cross from Thiago Silva off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Kai Havertz at the far side. Kai Havertz rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. LeBron James takes his time and plays it short to Kalidou Koulibaly. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Crossfield pass from Kalidou Koulibaly to Reece James, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Free kick from Travis Scott curled into the area, João Félix attacks it with a header. João Félix crosses but a defender cuts out the delivery. No danger for the back line. The corner from Thiago Silva is headed away by the defence at the near post.

The physio works on LeBron James's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. LeBron James, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Thiago Silva, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Unconfirmed reports suggest João Félix received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 27-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Kai Havertz is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Free kick conceded by Travis Scott, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Travis Scott's free kick ends up in the wall, no way through. Olivier Giroud puts his corner straight out on the other flank, so bad it's embarrassing.

LeBron James throws it out quickly to Patrick Mahomes, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The american football player plays it simple to Kalidou Koulibaly, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Devastating burst of pace from Christian Pulisic, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Christian Pulisic sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. LeBron James opts for the short option to Thiago Silva, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Change of flanks from Thiago Silva, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Kai Havertz.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Thiago Silva changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Patrick Mahomes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Good ball from the american football player to Christian Pulisic, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The film producer opens up to Patrick Mahomes on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Backpass from Patrick Mahomes goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Kai Havertz puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. The american football player winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. Kai Havertz has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

Honours even. LeBron James swaps shirts with one of the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Thiago Silva, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

The press from Travis Scott pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Travis Scott pounces. A forced gift. Step-over from Travis Scott, he ghosts past his man in one move! GOOOAL from the film producer! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Kai Havertz feeds Thiago Silva in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. João Félix sends an aerial beauty to Antonio Rüdiger, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Thiago Silva with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Travis Scott shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

Kai Havertz switches the play to Antonio Rüdiger on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Dominant header from Antonio Rüdiger on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Big clearance from Antonio Rüdiger under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Travis Scott wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

Crossfield pass from Kalidou Koulibaly to Patrick Mahomes, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. The american football player misplaces his pass to Kalidou Koulibaly, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Christian Pulisic sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Christian Pulisic has it in buckets. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Effort from João Félix, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Patrick Mahomes paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Patrick Mahomes exhales and sits. Christian Pulisic once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 177 and 28, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Antonio Rüdiger is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Telepathic pass from Reece James to Patrick Mahomes, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Patrick Mahomes is ruled offside on Thiago Silva's ball over the top, but that's incredibly harsh! The referee's earpiece is buzzing, VAR has spotted something. Hearts are in mouths.

Reece James clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Kai Havertz spots João Félix in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. João Félix springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

LeBron James fires it out quickly by hand to Kalidou Koulibaly, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Kalidou Koulibaly looks for Olivier Giroud but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Reece James turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Thiago Silva. The defence did not even have time to blink.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Good ball from Travis Scott to Patrick Mahomes, playing it quick between the lines. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. João Félix triggers a change of flanks for Kai Havertz, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

João Félix goes crossfield to Thiago Silva, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. That's a beauty from Thiago Silva! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Thiago Silva shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Kai Havertz. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Effort from Kai Havertz, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

Honours even. Olivier Giroud finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Kalidou Koulibaly walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.