My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Tremendous work from SpongeBob SquarePants who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. What composure from SpongeBob SquarePants! On the pass from Robert Oppenheimer, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

SpongeBob SquarePants and Ronaldinho do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Dida arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

SpongeBob SquarePants plays the simple ball to Donald Trump, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The investor hits the post! In that position, that kind of strike proves how dangerous he is, the goal will come. Ronaldinho is RIGHT WHERE HE NEEDS TO BE on the inswinging cross from Robert Oppenheimer! Tap-in into the empty net, GOAL!

What a mess! Paris Saint-Glinglin capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Dida. Sergio Ramos is on his knees clapping, Dida is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Massive punt from Dida, sends the ball sixty yards, Jordi Alba is scrapping for it up top. Jordi Alba wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Emergency clearance from Jordi Alba, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Aerial duel won by Lamine Yamal, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Lamine Yamal lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Tactical debate in the corner. Nicholas V wants to push higher. Dida reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Dida, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Unconfirmed reports suggest Donald Trump received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 80-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Robert Oppenheimer sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Sergio Ramos chats with the ref after every whistle, precious time gone. Yellow card for Sergio Ramos, surrounded the referee with complaints. That's unacceptable. The free kick from Sergio Ramos sails across the entire box, Donald Trump is at the back post waiting. Donald Trump gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide.

Donald Trump goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Massive clearance from the investor under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The opponent gets the better of the engineer in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Cross from Lamine Yamal, header from Pedri and... it is over! He should have done better there.

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Ronaldinho fires wide, not far from the post though! The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Jordi Alba throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Jordi Alba clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Nicholas V intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Wicked through ball from Nicholas V, the ball skims the grass and finds Sergio Ramos who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Sergio Ramos tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

SpongeBob SquarePants whips the free kick into the box for Jordi Alba, dangerous delivery! The cross from Jordi Alba is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky.

Wing switch from SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Robert Oppenheimer brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Huge aerial duel won by Robert Oppenheimer, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Burst of speed from the engineer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Perfect cut-back from Robert Oppenheimer, SpongeBob SquarePants receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Shot blocked! SpongeBob SquarePants couldn't get it past the defender who gets in the way at the last second.

Crossfield pass from Robert Oppenheimer to Donald Trump, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Donald Trump takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Donald Trump clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Nicholas V wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

Honours even. John Cena finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Sergio Ramos walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Lamine Yamal plays a low free kick into the box, John Cena cuts across to meet it in front of goal. The executive producer meets the cross from Nicholas V with his head and scores! GOOOAL! In that position, that aerial game is an insane weapon.

Lamine Yamal falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then John Cena arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Pedri puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Nicholas V comes steaming in. The catholic priest misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Ronaldinho clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. What a leap from Pedri! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

The corner from Ronaldinho comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Lightning overlap from Nicholas V, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

The executive producer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Pitch-length run from the executive producer, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory.

Nicholas V feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. The referee does NOT hesitate: penalty! Nicholas V has been clattered in the box by the defender. The moment is GIGANTIC, everything hinges on this decision! Nicholas V shoots... SAVED! The goalkeeper has pulled out all the stops to deny this penalty! Lifesaving clearance from Jordi Alba! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Nicholas V, stop dropping deep. Ronaldinho, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Here's one for the ages — Dida is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 195, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Lamine Yamal wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Dida stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Robert Oppenheimer comes over and hugs him without a word.

Pedri pings a ridiculous diagonal to Jordi Alba. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. The opponent dominates Jordi Alba in the air with worrying ease. Jordi Alba did not have the tools to compete on that one. Jordi Alba boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Ronaldinho spreads it to Donald Trump, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Lamine Yamal accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Lamine Yamal plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Pedri in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. Pedri has embarrassed himself there, missing in front of an open goal after that beauty from Sergio Ramos. Terrible.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Devastating burst of pace from Pedri, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Pedri sets up Donald Trump with a pull-back in the heart of the area, that is a silk delivery. SHOOOOT from the investor! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

The press from Lamine Yamal pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Lamine Yamal pounces. A forced gift. Step-over from Lamine Yamal, he ghosts past his man in one move! Quick exchange between Lamine Yamal and Donald Trump, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Foul by Ronaldinho on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. The ref shows Ronaldinho yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue. Free kick stopped! Ronaldinho shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended. Long ball from Dida for Sergio Ramos who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Honours even. Jordi Alba swaps shirts with one of the México No-Era-Penal lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Nicholas V, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

The timing is everything: Pedri releases the ball at the perfect moment and SpongeBob SquarePants explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. The cook prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

GOAAAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Nicholas V curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save! The corner from Nicholas V is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Magnificent reading of the game from Ronaldinho, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Firm pass from Ronaldinho into John Cena, right into the boots. No waste.

Clinical interception from Sergio Ramos, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Lay-off from Sergio Ramos to John Cena, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. John Cena changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Donald Trump. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Smooth transition from Donald Trump to Nicholas V, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Good ball from the investor to SpongeBob SquarePants, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. SpongeBob SquarePants beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. The cook has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was. SpongeBob SquarePants sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. The investor boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Pedri rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Donald Trump glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Dressing room sources reveal Robert Oppenheimer can play the recorder with terrifying proficiency. The 122-year-old whips out Three Blind Mice before every away match — the coach has tried and failed to ban it. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. SpongeBob SquarePants leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Donald Trump puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. The investor lays it off first time to Sergio Ramos, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Delicious through ball from Sergio Ramos, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and SpongeBob SquarePants is there to gobble it up.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Lay-off from Lamine Yamal to SpongeBob SquarePants out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

John Cena is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Dida fumbles the catch and the ball is loose in the middle! The whole stadium holds its breath. Massive clearance from Nicholas V, just get the ball as far away as possible.

Corner cleared, the cook finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. The engineer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Short free kick, Pedri to Robert Oppenheimer, tactical combination to unlock the defence. Robert Oppenheimer tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Oh my word Pedri fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Pedri floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Change of flanks from Lamine Yamal, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Jordi Alba. Lovely use of the ball by Jordi Alba, finding Ronaldinho in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Overlap from Ronaldinho on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Level score. Nicholas V screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. John Cena boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Combination between the cook and Sergio Ramos on the short corner. In that role, these variations at set pieces disrupt every defense. Cut-back along the deck from Sergio Ramos, Ronaldinho pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. GOAL for Ronaldinho! On the brilliant delivery from SpongeBob SquarePants, he prods it into the empty net from 5 yards. Simple, but it is in!

SpongeBob SquarePants falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Ronaldinho arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

It's in the back of the net! Dakar Teranga FC celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Solidarity move: Dida grabs Ronaldinho who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Ronaldinho a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. The overlap from Lamine Yamal, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Lamine Yamal launches himself at the attacker, no control, no timing. A horror tackle. Lamine Yamal is off! A wild, uncontrolled lunge, studs raking down the opponent's shin. Horrific. Lamine Yamal plays the free kick back to John Cena, they are looking for the shooting angle.

The corner from SpongeBob SquarePants is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Interception from Ronaldinho who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Ronaldinho. Ronaldinho sends the game to the other side with a long pass to John Cena. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Crunching tackle by John Cena on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it.

The corner from SpongeBob SquarePants lands on the head of Sergio Ramos but the ball flies over. He had to do better. Dida plays it along the ground to Pedri, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Decisive interception from Pedri who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Pedri saw it all. Pedri swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Lamine Yamal, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Lamine Yamal weights his pass into the space for Sergio Ramos who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

Robert Oppenheimer rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. SpongeBob SquarePants glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Inside info here — Pedri insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 24, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' The second period begins and Dida launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The corner from Ronaldinho is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Massive diagonal from Nicholas V! Robert Oppenheimer receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Dida throws it out quickly to SpongeBob SquarePants, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. SpongeBob SquarePants unleashes a raking ball out to Robert Oppenheimer, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Robert Oppenheimer powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go.

Panicked clearance from Donald Trump, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Dida boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Pedri! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Long ball from Pedri to Jordi Alba, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Jordi Alba delivers a tidy ball to Nicholas V, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Pull-back from Lamine Yamal along the ground, Robert Oppenheimer is in position in the area. Clean as you like. NOOOOO Robert Oppenheimer! The goal was empty, Sergio Ramos puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! Dida rolls it short to John Cena into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Sergio Ramos slips Jordi Alba in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Jordi Alba skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. Quick one-two between Jordi Alba and SpongeBob SquarePants, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Pedri tries a moment of genius and it comes off, the defender is nailed to the floor. Standing ovation. Pedri puts it right into the feet of Lamine Yamal, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Lamine Yamal strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Dida distributes short to SpongeBob SquarePants, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

A draw — that grey zone. Nicholas V signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Jordi Alba adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. What a BOOOOOM from Lamine Yamal! The ball flies like a bullet and ends up at 60mph in the top corner. GOAL!

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Acceleration from Pedri down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. PENALTY! The defender brings Pedri down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! GOOOOAL! Pedri converts the penalty, the keeper goes the wrong way. Ice cold.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Pedri strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Jordi Alba points at it, jaw on the floor. Dida shakes his head, not believing it.

Combination from Ronaldinho to Nicholas V on the short corner, they're trying to get past the wing. Sideways ball from Nicholas V to Lamine Yamal, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Lamine Yamal goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Dida and Sergio Ramos do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Dida arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Robert Oppenheimer. And you, Dida. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. We can confirm that Dida owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 195, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Donald Trump leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Dida opts for the short option to Pedri, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Brilliant switch of play from Pedri! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Donald Trump. Donald Trump burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Foul by Donald Trump, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. The free kick is worked short, Donald Trump sets up Sergio Ramos who finds himself in a good position.

Dida takes his time and plays it short to Ronaldinho. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Ronaldinho hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Ronaldinho gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one. Ball claimed in both hands by Dida in his box. Subtle gesture but ultra effective. Top top level. Dida sends an absolute rocket towards John Cena, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

John Cena with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Robert Oppenheimer lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Nicholas V embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. Wide from the catholic priest! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Short distribution from Dida to Lamine Yamal, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Dominant header from Lamine Yamal on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Decisive interception from the executive producer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end.

The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers. Ronaldinho delivers from the byline, Sergio Ramos is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Aerial duel lost by Sergio Ramos, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in.

Big clearance from John Cena under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. John Cena drops a lofted ball to Donald Trump, it sails over the entire midfield line. Donald Trump picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. The cross from the investor ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. Dida fires it out quickly by hand to Lamine Yamal, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Share of the spoils. Jordi Alba walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Nicholas V throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Douala Makossa-Corner probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Smart pass from Ronaldinho into the hole for John Cena, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. John Cena aims like a surgeon on the cross from Lamine Yamal! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! GOOOOAL! Nicholas V places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Lagos No-Carry-Last score right on the stroke of half-time.

Dida spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Lamine Yamal gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Pedri sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Nicholas V spots Ronaldinho in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

The free kick is played as a short pass by SpongeBob SquarePants, Robert Oppenheimer picks it up and drives forward. Robert Oppenheimer crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and John Cena is there to meet it. Dida rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful.

Robert Oppenheimer paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Robert Oppenheimer exhales and sits. Remarkable little detail about Dida — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 53 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Ronaldinho leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. Dida sticks the foot out at the right moment and blocks! The ball is neutralised, the keeper is everywhere. Donald Trump boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Dida sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Jordi Alba photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Rapid combination: Jordi Alba to SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Brilliant pass from SpongeBob SquarePants! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Jordi Alba is onto it. Jordi Alba sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal.

Enormous run from Jordi Alba to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Jordi Alba flies in with a scissor tackle on the attacker, completely out of control! Jordi Alba completely flips and shoves the opponent violently to the ground. Straight red, walk of shame. Jordi Alba tries to beat the wall from the free kick but it's blocked. Shame.

John Cena reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but John Cena was quicker. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Ronaldinho lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. CRAAACKER from SpongeBob SquarePants outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

The executive producer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Emergency clearance from the executive producer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

Short free kick from SpongeBob SquarePants, Lamine Yamal receives in space and can play on. Lamine Yamal has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. The catholic priest winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

1-1 and off we go. Robert Oppenheimer hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Donald Trump does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

Everyone has gone up, even the centre-backs are camped in the opposition box. Ronaldinho whips in a cross at head height, Robert Oppenheimer anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Robert Oppenheimer attacks the inswinging cross from Nicholas V and places a SURGICAL header into the far corner! GOAL!

Jordi Alba hauls down the man on the break. He knew exactly what he was doing. Jordi Alba goes into the book for a tactical trip. He'd rather take the card than face a two-on-one. MAJESTIC GOAL from Jordi Alba on the free kick! Powerful and placed, the wall is useless, the ball is in!

Knee slide from Jordi Alba right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. SpongeBob SquarePants does the same down the line. Dida turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

It's there! Barranquilla Toque-Toque tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Donald Trump anticipates the run from Pedri and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Pedri timed his run poorly there, Lamine Yamal's pass was good but the flag is up.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Donald Trump with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Donald Trump lays it off first time to Robert Oppenheimer, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. One laser pass from Robert Oppenheimer and the entire defence is eliminated, Lamine Yamal is through on goal. The space is enormous.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Jordi Alba stares at the floor. Pedri cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Leaked texts reveal Dida tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 53-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Nicholas V is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Dida fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Nicholas V plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Stunning tackle by Sergio Ramos in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Incredible burst of pace from Ronaldinho, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Ronaldinho floats a cross in from the wing for Robert Oppenheimer, the ball hangs in the box! The cross from Robert Oppenheimer clears the box entirely and goes straight out. Frustrating.

Free kick from Lamine Yamal to the near post, Pedri gets a flick on it. Pedri crosses but a defender cuts out the delivery. No danger for the back line. Ronaldinho boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Lamine Yamal jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him.

Jordi Alba slides it to Sergio Ramos, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Sergio Ramos links up with Lamine Yamal, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Lamine Yamal keeps it short to Ronaldinho, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Absolutely immense from John Cena! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Short pass from the executive producer to Sergio Ramos, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sergio Ramos plays it in, Ronaldinho lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Sergio Ramos is off again. Magnificent.

Dida catapults the ball towards John Cena from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. John Cena is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Pedri meets the cross from Ronaldinho with his head but it goes over the bar!

And that's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Dida weaves through Barranquilla Toque-Toque's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Lamine Yamal screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Dida lumps it long towards John Cena, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Header lost by John Cena, the opponent took the elevator while John Cena stayed on the ground floor. Dida grabs the ball in the air, two firm hands, no spilling. Immaculate. Lamine Yamal shifts it to Robert Oppenheimer with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Robert Oppenheimer rolls it to Nicholas V, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Gutting. Donald Trump throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Pedri picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

Absolutely dreadful! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Monster press from Lamine Yamal! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Lamine Yamal beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. GOOOOOAL for Lamine Yamal! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

It's there! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Dida falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Sergio Ramos arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

High recovery from Lamine Yamal! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Lamine Yamal strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. GOOOAL from Lamine Yamal! The keeper rushes out, Lamine Yamal sends a lob with the OUTSIDE of his boot and the ball settles delicately into the empty net. VELVET, that is BEAUTIFUL!

Lamine Yamal slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Pedri photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Little shift from Lamine Yamal to Jordi Alba, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Trip by Jordi Alba, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Deserved booking for Jordi Alba, he'd been getting away with murder all half.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Jordi Alba grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Lamine Yamal is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. We're told that Dida once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Ronaldinho does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. With one swing of the boot, Robert Oppenheimer finds Nicholas V on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Nicholas V picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Just wide! Ronaldinho struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

The executive producer cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Nicholas V. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Nicholas V is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Lamine Yamal's pass deserved better than that. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Strike from Robert Oppenheimer that goes into the birds. That is light years away from the frame. Dida goes long for Lamine Yamal, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

John Cena gives it to Donald Trump into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. BANG! Donald Trump hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt. Donald Trump puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

What a disaster! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Donald Trump sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Solo run from Donald Trump, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Ball loss from Donald Trump in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. The cook intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one.

Sombrero flick from Robert Oppenheimer, the ball lobs the defender and he collects it on the other side. Majestic. Robert Oppenheimer finds SpongeBob SquarePants between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The cook reads the movement before anyone else and puts Sergio Ramos into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

Full time. Jordi Alba applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Nicholas V joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-1 (W)

Ronaldinho chips his cross over the back line, Donald Trump is at the far post, free as a bird. GOAL! Overhead kick from the investor! In that position, producing a finish like that is what gets you into LEGEND status. Perfect scissor kick, ball in the top corner, the crowd is on its feet!

Ronaldinho dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Lamine Yamal can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Dida claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. GOOOOOAL! Ronaldinho lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Robert Oppenheimer and the ball nestles in the corner!

Dida distributes by hand to Lamine Yamal on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Magnificent leap from Lamine Yamal who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Short build-up from Lamine Yamal to Pedri, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Pedri unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Absolute peach from Lamine Yamal, threading it through for Jordi Alba, the centre-halves are done for! No question about that one, Jordi Alba was clearly offside when John Cena released the pass.

Sergio Ramos sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Nicholas V charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. What a STRIIIIKE from Nicholas V! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

SpongeBob SquarePants is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. John Cena leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Planning records show Nicholas V's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 629-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' And we are back underway! Dida jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Monster clearance from Donald Trump! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Lamine Yamal sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Free kick conceded by Pedri, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Yellow card. Pedri racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Pedri fires the free kick into the wall, no surprises. The wall was well organised.

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Dida mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. John Cena plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Dida plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. High recovery from Lamine Yamal, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Sharp cut inside from Lamine Yamal, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

Lamine Yamal embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. Failed dribble from Lamine Yamal, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

Monster clearance from Dida, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Donald Trump. Well spotted by Donald Trump who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. The investor switches the play to Robert Oppenheimer, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Final whistle! Donald Trump bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. SpongeBob SquarePants is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío won't want to watch the highlights. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

What positioning from Sergio Ramos! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. MAJESTIC GOAL from Sergio Ramos! Long-range left-footed strike from 25 yards, the keeper was a spectator. UNDEFENDABLE!

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Pedri gifts John Cena a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. OOOOH the POACHER'S goal from John Cena! The keeper spilled, he was THERE, he poked it in. GOAL!

Pedri kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Ronaldinho takes a knee behind him. Dida raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Ronaldinho goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, SpongeBob SquarePants is unmarked at the far post. Oh SpongeBob SquarePants... Ronaldinho lays on an absolute peach, the keeper is nowhere, and he puts it wide. Heartbreaking. Dida plays out from the back with Ronaldinho, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Beautiful distribution from Dida to Robert Oppenheimer, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Good ball from Robert Oppenheimer to Pedri, playing it quick between the lines. Pedri charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Chipped cross from Pedri over the defensive line, SpongeBob SquarePants is there to meet it. The cook heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

SpongeBob SquarePants aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. John Cena boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. The executive producer plays it simple to Nicholas V, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Sharp turn from Nicholas V, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance.

The boss pulls Dida aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 53 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Dida just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. Incredible scenes last summer when SpongeBob SquarePants was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 40 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Dida high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Telepathic pass from Donald Trump to Sergio Ramos, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Donald Trump scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Sergio Ramos steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Monumental ball from Sergio Ramos to Pedri, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Dida finds Lamine Yamal with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Lamine Yamal to Jordi Alba, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Overlap from Nicholas V with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The catholic priest tries to con the referee with a theatrical tumble. Not a chance. Booking for the catholic priest for simulation, a player in that role should know better than to dive. Lovely cross from the catholic priest on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist.

Ronaldinho and Robert Oppenheimer combine on the corner, neat little one-two at the flag. Robert Oppenheimer gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of John Cena. John Cena tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. Tidy restart from Dida along the deck to Nicholas V, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Aerial duel won by the catholic priest, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Job done. Sergio Ramos and Jordi Alba stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Rio Malandro FC's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

John Cena takes the yellow to prevent the red-zone opportunity. The maths works in his favour. Yellow card for John Cena, he stood on the ball carrier's foot to kill the counter. Sneaky. John Cena winds up and unleashes an UNDEFENDABLE free kick! The wall jumped for nothing, the keeper was a spectator, GOAL!

John Cena stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Donald Trump follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Dida plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Pedri whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. SpongeBob SquarePants scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. John Cena triggers a change of flanks for Pedri, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Pedri sets it for SpongeBob SquarePants, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The cook wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice.

A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The engineer finds Pedri along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Step-overs from Pedri, the defender has lost the ball completely. Pedri plays it simple to SpongeBob SquarePants, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

They've scored again! Istanbul Cehennem FK are running riot and we can't cope.

Dida dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Sergio Ramos can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Dida claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Quick throw from Dida to Pedri out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Pedri picks out John Cena with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The executive producer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Chipped cross from John Cena over the block, Lamine Yamal peels off and finds himself one on one with the keeper.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" SpongeBob SquarePants is livid, gesturing wildly. Ronaldinho chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Inside information from the dressing room — Jordi Alba insists on having a Tesco meal deal exactly ninety minutes before every match. Chicken and bacon sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps, and a Ribena. No substitutions. The nutritionist has simply given up. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' Kick-off! Ronaldinho wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Sergio Ramos feeds Nicholas V in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Nicholas V pulls it back along the ground for Ronaldinho, that is the perfect cut-back! BLOCKED by the defender! Ronaldinho was unlucky there, good shot but even better block. Jordi Alba thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Nicholas V loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump.

Lamine Yamal fires the ball over to Jordi Alba with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Jordi Alba dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Jordi Alba throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Lamine Yamal puts Jordi Alba into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. OH NO! Jordi Alba is offside by half a yard at most, Nicholas V's ball in behind was superb. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over.

Dida hoofs it forward towards Pedri, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Pedri jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Diving save from Dida, he flies through the air and claws the shot away. Superb. Nicholas V gets up well on the corner from Lamine Yamal but his header is too high. Cannot find the frame.

One touch football: Nicholas V to Pedri, faster than the opposition can think. Pedri drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. Pedri wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. Pedri is booked for pulling the opponent back when he was away on goal. Pedri strikes the free kick and the wall rises in front of it. No way through.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. A tug on the shirt from Donald Trump, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Free kick from Donald Trump, he tries to catch the keeper off guard but it is wide. Nice idea, poor execution.

Draw. Nicholas V takes the time to shake every Istanbul Cehennem FK player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Dida follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

What a game, the ball flying from left to right, nobody in control anymore. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Pedri winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

Short pass from the investor to Jordi Alba, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. What a ball from Jordi Alba! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Nicholas V is away on his own. That is velvet. Nicholas V gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Nicholas V lofts a cross into the box, John Cena is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. The executive producer whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon.

Dida launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on SpongeBob SquarePants after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Quick exchange between SpongeBob SquarePants and Nicholas V, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Dida plays it short to John Cena, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The executive producer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. The catholic priest finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Sergio Ramos clean through. Pure genius from that position. That's a beauty from Sergio Ramos! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending.

The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Strike from Lamine Yamal that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Ronaldinho tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away. Jordi Alba hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Dida stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Pedri bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A peculiar superstition from Ronaldinho — he has to tap the crossbar three times and whisper 'come on then' before every match. Nobody knows who he's talking to. The kitman thinks it's the ghost of a Victorian goalkeeper. He's been doing it since he was seventeen. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Lamine Yamal is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Rapid combination: Ronaldinho to John Cena, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Magnificent shift from John Cena! SpongeBob SquarePants picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. SpongeBob SquarePants puts the ball right into the mixer, Lamine Yamal arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Lamine Yamal puts it into the danger zone and it's absolute PANDEMONIUM! The defense clears in desperation!

Corner from Pedri, Nicholas V jumps highest but his header flies over the bar. Massive clearance from Ronaldinho in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The catholic priest is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. The catholic priest launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Ronaldinho picks out Nicholas V with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Lovely use of the ball by Robert Oppenheimer, finding Pedri in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Quick one-two between Pedri and Lamine Yamal, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Flash wall from Donald Trump for Lamine Yamal who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

Short pass from the investor to Sergio Ramos, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sublime through ball from Sergio Ramos for John Cena who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. John Cena tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Victory! John Cena and Sergio Ramos lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Milano Piano-Piano have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Jordi Alba intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. The cook aims with surgical precision on the pass from Nicholas V! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Raw emotion: Jordi Alba cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Pedri crouches beside him and speaks softly. Dida jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Unbelievable! Sevilla Olé-Olé score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Dida places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. SpongeBob SquarePants falls to his knees bowing. Dida does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Sergio Ramos shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Sergio Ramos picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. GOAL from Sergio Ramos with a LOB! The keeper rushes out, Sergio Ramos stays COOL as ice and chips the ball over him. It drops into the empty net, that is MASTERFUL!

Sergio Ramos dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Pedri can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Dida claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The executive producer positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. John Cena feeds Ronaldinho in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Ronaldinho beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. Cross from the right by Ronaldinho, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Jordi Alba at the back post. OHHH the header from Jordi Alba off the cross from John Cena! It flies a whisker past the post! The keeper had no chance.

Pedri picks out Sergio Ramos with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Sergio Ramos strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Donald Trump goes crossfield to Lamine Yamal, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

John Cena rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. SpongeBob SquarePants glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Pedri, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 24-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Sergio Ramos squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

The executive producer goes in recklessly on the attacker. For someone in that position, you'd expect far more discipline. John Cena has planted his studs into the opponent's calf deliberately. Red card, no arguments. The executive producer floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Phenomenal leap from Sergio Ramos who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

Ronaldinho chains an elastico into a step-over, the defender is completely disorientated. Ronaldinho powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. The cross from Ronaldinho is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper.

Sergio Ramos thumps his header on the corner from Ronaldinho but it flies two yards over. Terrible waste. Dida sparks the transition with a quick throw to Pedri, the break is lightning fast. Pedri puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Cut-back from Pedri along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Ronaldinho centrally.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Ronaldinho finds the gap and serves Lamine Yamal in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. GO ON Lamine Yamal! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists! The corner from Lamine Yamal is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there.

The corner from SpongeBob SquarePants is met by Nicholas V with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Driven kick from Dida to Jordi Alba, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Masterful aerial duel from Jordi Alba, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator.

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Dida arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. John Cena slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

The executive producer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. One touch football: Pedri to Robert Oppenheimer, faster than the opposition can think. Foul by the engineer, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it.

1-1 and off we go. Nicholas V hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. John Cena does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Dida kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Donald Trump takes a knee behind him. Dida raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. GOOOOAL for Ronaldinho! He plays Robert Oppenheimer in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Ronaldinho mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Sergio Ramos raises Ronaldinho's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Dida plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The ref blows up! Robert Oppenheimer's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. Donald Trump takes responsibility and converts the penalty. Angled strike, the keeper is HUMILIATED. GOAL!

Robert Oppenheimer mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Nicholas V plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Dida plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Pedri opens up to Jordi Alba on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Lamine Yamal lights the fuse with a cutting pass for SpongeBob SquarePants down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Overlap from SpongeBob SquarePants on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

They've done it! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

'I told you so' mode. Dida eyeballs the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Lamine Yamal pulls Dida away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Donald Trump. And you, Sergio Ramos. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. John Cena accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 49-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Pedri leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Magnificent tackle from Donald Trump! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Donald Trump shifts it to John Cena with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The executive producer opens up to SpongeBob SquarePants on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Little shift from Robert Oppenheimer to Jordi Alba, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Shot from the engineer, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Long kick from Dida, Donald Trump positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Corner from Pedri, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Instinctive clearance from Sergio Ramos who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. One touch football: John Cena to Pedri, faster than the opposition can think. Dribble from Pedri in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous.

Jordi Alba launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Jordi Alba pings a long diagonal to Donald Trump, completely shifts the point of attack.

Dida smashes a volley towards Donald Trump, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Donald Trump crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed.

Short restart from Dida to Robert Oppenheimer, building from the back nice and tidy. Error from the engineer, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. John Cena plays it into the channel for SpongeBob SquarePants, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. SHOOOOT from SpongeBob SquarePants... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Draw against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. SpongeBob SquarePants kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Nicholas V does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Pedri bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Good pull-back from Pedri, it arrives right at the feet of Jordi Alba. What a GOAL from Jordi Alba! On the cross from Robert Oppenheimer, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Pedri, arms out like an aeroplane. Robert Oppenheimer follows in like he's skiing. Dida arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Dida distributes by hand to John Cena on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. John Cena launches it to SpongeBob SquarePants on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. The cook lays it off first time to Sergio Ramos, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Key pass from Sergio Ramos! It fizzes between the lines and Ronaldinho collects on the run, the defence is left for dead.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. The engineer misplaces his pass to Nicholas V, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Brilliant interception from Lamine Yamal, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Lamine Yamal sends an aerial beauty to SpongeBob SquarePants, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. Enormous anticipation from Donald Trump who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat.

Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon. They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Pedri puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Nutmeg from Pedri, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Pedri, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Pedri takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Lovely story from Nicholas V's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. SpongeBob SquarePants squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

And there it is, London Three-Pints score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Dida mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. John Cena plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Dida plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Beautiful distribution from Dida to John Cena, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. What a block! John Cena slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Good ball from the executive producer to Jordi Alba, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The executive producer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Lovely anticipation from the engineer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Effort from Lamine Yamal, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal. Lamine Yamal puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent.

Burst of pace from Pedri on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Pedri finds Nicholas V with a pull-back in the area, the ultimate assist ball. Nicholas V is going to have nightmares about that one. Jordi Alba hands him the goal and he fires it three yards wide. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Jordi Alba slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. SpongeBob SquarePants drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Ronaldinho read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one.

The defender sacrifices himself and blocks Robert Oppenheimer's strike! Takes the full force of the shot. The corner from Ronaldinho is headed away by the defence at the near post. Almighty boot from Robert Oppenheimer who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

Level score. Ronaldinho screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Sergio Ramos boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.