My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | My Team | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. LeBron James. The man. The beast. Standing at 206 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Hulk. Profession? Scientist. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with their lab notebook, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the hidden truth could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-126 (L)
Hakeem Olajuwon, this giant, takes the court! The hostile crowd is electric!
This established player SpongeBob SquarePants throws up a prayer from downtown! Not answered!
LeBron James goes to work into a dead end off the pick and roll! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over heavy feet!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this titan, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Halftime. LeBron James is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know LeBron James started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, bobbles the basketball and the chance evaporates at the buzzer!
Hulk, this versatile guy, looks exhausted from mid-range! The legs are gone!
SpongeBob SquarePants, this combo guard, gets called for the carry! Injury-prone body in ball-handling!
SpongeBob SquarePants walks away muttering! Muttering about the perfect steak under their breath!
Stephen Curry had the chances but couldn't convert. This top-tier talent left wanting.
Stephen Curry and LeBron James share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Behind the scenes, I learned LeBron James was also a cook in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
104-103 (W)
SpongeBob SquarePants sets the tone early! The cook came to play tonight!
Stephen Curry with the denial defense! This big-name player not giving an inch!
LeBron James air-mails a step-back three along the baseline! Way off for this generational talent!
Hulk treats the ball like the hidden truth and sinks it. Easy as pie for a scientist!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Into the tunnel. SpongeBob SquarePants grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: SpongeBob SquarePants threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, with the cold-blooded and-one off the pick and roll!
Hakeem Olajuwon with the huge drawn charge at the buzzer! This established star says no!
Listen to that roar! LeBron James steps back and the place explodes!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James puts the dagger in! On a strategic timeout a fadeaway jumper! It's over!
LeBron James takes off in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Stephen Curry takes a bow for the crowd. LeBron James bows to Stephen Curry. The nobility of basketball. I learned tonight that Stephen Curry used to be a cook. That explains the unique running style. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
110-113 (L)
This headliner Stephen Curry gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this tower, takes over at the top of the key. A two-handed slam! That's elite!
LeBron James lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this franchise cornerstone fooled!
This potential GOAT Hulk muscles up a fadeaway jumper but can't get it to fall!
LeBron James hits from the right corner! The crowd is back in it! Game on!
Both teams head to the locker room. Stephen Curry wipes his forehead with his jersey. Fun fact: Stephen Curry is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James fouls in the clutch! Lack of consistency showing late!
LeBron James slams the pill in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Stephen Curry leaves it all on the floor! This top-tier talent with ridiculous creativity effort!
Hulk misses the game-tying shot! Even a scientist couldn't save that one!
SpongeBob SquarePants tips the cap to the winners! The cook's grace with the perfect steak!
Stephen Curry's eyes are red, jaw tight. Hakeem Olajuwon apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned tonight that Stephen Curry used to be a cook. That explains the unique running style. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
123-80 (W)
SpongeBob SquarePants gets the starting nod! A cook starting with their cast-iron pan confidence!
A pull-up jumper from Hulk! This absolute legend reminding everyone why they're on top!
Hakeem Olajuwon attacks and finds the trailer for a sky hook! Great awareness!
Hakeem Olajuwon blows past the pill with flair and hits a double-clutch layup! Sensational!
Hulk contests every shot! Relentless as a scientist with the hidden truth!
Halftime! Hakeem Olajuwon walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Hakeem Olajuwon tried to impress the Philadelphia Injury-Report players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This elite player Hakeem Olajuwon converts at the top of the key! A euro-step right on cue!
Hulk adds another hook shot to the demolition! Their lab notebook destruction!
Hakeem Olajuwon explodes and the leather goes into the stands! Free souvenir!
SpongeBob SquarePants points to the crowd after a thunderous slam! This one's for every cook out there!
LeBron James tosses the Wilson in the air! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! This basketball god mission accomplished!
Stephen Curry and SpongeBob SquarePants share a 30-second hug. LeBron James wants in. Gets pushed away. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
123-96 (W)
The gymnasium welcomes Hulk! The scientist with the hidden truth has arrived!
A devastating dunk from Hakeem Olajuwon! Another dagger! This bonafide star closing the door!
SpongeBob SquarePants wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a cook on the clock!
Hulk with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Next-level basketball IQ on that one!
SpongeBob SquarePants adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran cook!
Off to the locker room. Stephen Curry has already drained two water bottles. True story: Stephen Curry had his parking spot stolen by Phoenix No-Defense's mascot. Still talks about it. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Hulk with another free throw! You can't stop this man!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk brings a Finals-like atmosphere to a new level! Incredible scene!
LeBron James, this long boy, holds the team together with next-level basketball IQ! Captain!
Hulk fires away with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
This headliner Hakeem Olajuwon led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Stephen Curry pretends to faint from happiness. LeBron James pretends to call 911. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
108-113 (L)
SpongeBob SquarePants, this combo guard, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
LeBron James, this giant, showcases ridiculous creativity with a gorgeous pull-up jumper!
Hulk caught flat-footed! Standing still, the scientist reflexes took a nap!
Hakeem Olajuwon with a wild attempt! This top-tier talent not finding the range tonight!
Hakeem Olajuwon with the momentum-shifting bank shot! This multi-time All-Star turning the tide!
Players head to the locker room. SpongeBob SquarePants has tape on three fingers. Rumor has it SpongeBob SquarePants has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
SpongeBob SquarePants posts up and bricks it! Hot head in the first half!
Hakeem Olajuwon mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
Hakeem Olajuwon misses in the clutch! A pull-up jumper off the mark in the first quarter!
SpongeBob SquarePants looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a cook!
LeBron James mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hakeem Olajuwon says 'yeah' in the same tone. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
103-96 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James opens the scoring! A devastating dunk! Early advantage!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James punishes the defense with a buzzer beater at the top of the key!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this towering presence, walls off the drive driving to the hoop! No way through!
Hakeem Olajuwon whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This absolute unit seeing everything!
Hulk calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's scientist mentality!
The players head to the locker room. SpongeBob SquarePants is sweating like a racehorse. Fun fact: SpongeBob SquarePants failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, elevates for a monster and-one!
Stephen Curry in a packed arena! This bonafide star has been waiting for this stage!
This headliner Stephen Curry runs the damn ball patiently! Searching for the perfect shot!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James is living their best moment right now from the right corner!
SpongeBob SquarePants celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their cast-iron pan!
Hakeem Olajuwon and Stephen Curry fake a wrestling match. LeBron James plays the referee and calls a timeout. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
125-93 (W)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
LeBron James, this household name, operates at the buzzer with a floater! Clinic!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this long boy, smothers the ball-handler! No options!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Nerves of steel!
SpongeBob SquarePants with the perfect cut! Precision of a cook with their cast-iron pan!
Break! Hulk heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Confession: Hulk believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Hulk converts a tough tear drop in transition! Skill level: elite!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A sold-out gym on fire as LeBron James steps up!
LeBron James finds the open teammate! This potential GOAT making everyone better!
From their cast-iron pan shifts to the 48 regulation minutes on the court,SpongeBob SquarePants does it all!
Hakeem Olajuwon crosses over into the tunnel with the W! This big-name player all smiles!
Hakeem Olajuwon grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. SpongeBob SquarePants applauds. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
94-97 (L)
The game begins and Hulk is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
LeBron James scores with insane court vision. A two-handed slam in the paint! Too smooth!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this mountain of a man, lets the shooter get free off the pick and roll! Costly lapse!
LeBron James with the contested catch-and-shoot triple at the buzzer! No good! Bad selection!
This bonafide star Hakeem Olajuwon with back-to-back buckets! The lead is crumbling!
Cut! Halftime. LeBron James's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Small detail: LeBron James wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Stephen Curry gets stripped in after a timeout! That's gonna be a costly turnover!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this max-contract guy right now!
Hulk gets called for the foul! Clumsy as a scientist with the hidden truth at closing time!
This franchise guy Hakeem Olajuwon shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
Hulk's lip is trembling. Stephen Curry dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
115-105 (W)
SpongeBob SquarePants steps onto the venue! From searing the perfect steak to this, game time!
A thunderous slam from Hulk on the low block! That's a statement right there!
LeBron James forces the step-out-of-bounds! This hall-of-fame lock hawking the ball!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry finds the open man! Assist and a layup!
SpongeBob SquarePants pushes the pace in transition! Unreal swagger showing in every play!
End of the second quarter. Hulk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Small detail: Hulk whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Hulk muscles through for a pull-up jumper! The strength of a scientist moving the hidden truth!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, waves the crowd up! Palpable tension rising!
This world-class player Stephen Curry defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
Stephen Curry overcomes the early struggles! This franchise guy rising like a phoenix!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this jersey-selling name, high-fives the bench! A bench mob celebration! Team effort!
LeBron James slides across the court in his socks while Hulk splashes water on everyone. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
118-91 (W)
This big-name player Stephen Curry comes out aggressive! Opens with a devastating dunk from mid-range!
LeBron James, this household name, knifes through for a finger roll under the basket! Wow!
Hulk, this tweener, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Hulk with the behind-the-back pass! Flashier than their lab notebook at work!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, sets a brick-wall screen! An unmatched feel for the game on full display!
Break! SpongeBob SquarePants has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? SpongeBob SquarePants once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
The technical flair of Hulk recalls their scientist days. A layup! Sublime!
The energy in this building is unreal! Hakeem Olajuwon channeling wild stands!
LeBron James takes the blame for the mistake! This global icon protecting teammates!
LeBron James, this basketball god, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! A cathedral silence!
Hakeem Olajuwon sits on the bench with a smile! This All-Star caliber talent job well done!
Hulk and Hakeem Olajuwon leap onto each other like kids. SpongeBob SquarePants comes sprinting in and crushes them both. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
99-121 (L)
Hakeem Olajuwon attacks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this All-Star caliber talent!
SpongeBob SquarePants attacks the ball right into the defender's hands! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This elite player Stephen Curry dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Hulk falls asleep on the weak side! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
An off-balance shot from LeBron James! That's a gym-rat work ethic at the highest level!
Intermission. Hulk dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know? Hulk tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This basketball god Hulk can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Stephen Curry dishes but overcooks it! Shaky emotions under pressure showing up again!
SpongeBob SquarePants uses that cook IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
This seasoned vet SpongeBob SquarePants congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this seasoned vet.
SpongeBob SquarePants has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Stephen Curry has aged ten years in forty minutes. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
109-113 (L)
LeBron James, this oversized freak, is introduced and the arena explodes! This all-time great is in the building!
SpongeBob SquarePants nails an and-one from deep! Range like their cast-iron pan reaching across the workshop!
SpongeBob SquarePants gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the perfect steak on a rough day!
A thunderous slam from Hakeem Olajuwon goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the top of the key!
This global icon Hulk hits the big three! The deficit down to single digits!
Halftime. Stephen Curry's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Stephen Curry slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
LeBron James throws it away with the game on the line! Heavy feet!
SpongeBob SquarePants, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the team!
From their cast-iron pan to a scoop layup, SpongeBob SquarePants's range is unmatched!
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, commits the late turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure with the ball!
This potential GOAT LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hakeem Olajuwon mutters 'damn' under his breath. Stephen Curry says 'yeah' in the same tone. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
92-114 (L)
SpongeBob SquarePants starts in the floor general! Playing the floor general the way a cook plays with their cast-iron pan!
LeBron James can't buy a bucket! Another miss driving to the hoop! Frustrating!
Hulk commits the live-ball turnover! Their lab notebook would be ashamed!
Stephen Curry gets screened out of the play! This guy everybody knows lost in traffic!
Hulk spins and scores! Pivoting like they pivot with their lab notebook at work!
Halftime. The doctor examines Hulk's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Locker room anecdote: Hulk talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
LeBron James, this towering presence, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this certified GOAT candidate!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this top-tier talent, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Hakeem Olajuwon grabs the shorts! This big-name player is running on fumes!
Hulk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the scientist gave everything!
Hakeem Olajuwon chews his nails on the bench. SpongeBob SquarePants stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-132 (L)
This established star Stephen Curry means business! Fast start in the paint!
Hulk can't find the range! Their lab notebook has better accuracy than that!
Hulk loses the Spalding! A scientist would never be this careless!
Stephen Curry turns the head and loses the man! This multi-time All-Star napping defensively!
SpongeBob SquarePants throws their hands up! Like a cook when their cast-iron pan breaks!
The locker room fills up. LeBron James has already eaten three oranges. Physio's confession: LeBron James purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, can't get an off-balance shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Hulk dishes but can't sustain the effort! Occasional mental lapses emptying the tank!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James with turnover number points! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Hakeem Olajuwon takes off away from the huddle! This franchise guy in a dark place mentally!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this bonafide star wanted.
Hakeem Olajuwon leaves the court at a jog. LeBron James stays there, planted at center court, motionless. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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