My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. George Mikan. The man. The beast. Standing at 208 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Kevin Hart is on this team. Kevin Hart, who is a film producer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their loaded checkbook under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-125 (L)
James Charles lands the first buzzer-beater! First blood! The tiktoker strikes first!
Kevin Hart shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a film producer would cringe!
James Charles loses the pill! A tiktoker would never be this careless!
George Mikan, this 7-footer, gets dunked on at the buzzer! Poster material!
Sean Combs pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The philanthropist in them is showing!
Halftime! Sean Combs looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Rumor has it Sean Combs tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Billy Slater clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their league jersey hitting the defensive line!
Sean Combs labors up the court! Trudging like a philanthropist dragging the game!
Billy Slater with the backcourt violation! A rugby league player going backwards with the defensive line!
Billy Slater storms to the bench! This raw talent is visibly upset!
Sean Combs blows past past the media. This elite player not in the mood to talk.
Sean Combs sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. George Mikan winces. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
98-126 (L)
Billy Slater gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a rugby league player on day one!
This top-tier talent Kevin Hart shanks a pull-up jumper at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
James Charles rises up the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this well-respected player!
Kevin Hart gives up the easy bucket! Easier than greenlighting the risky picture!
Billy Slater scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a rugby league player!
Finally a breather. George Mikan has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Fun fact: George Mikan tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Sean Combs can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the leather frustration!
James Charles, this player on the come-up, pulls the trigger driving to the hoop but no luck!
Kevin Hart communicates the switch! Clear as a film producer's instructions!
James Charles cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the ball double duty!
James Charles leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a tiktoker with their bare hands!
Kevin Hart rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Billy Slater picks up his own and folds it carefully. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-116 (L)
This reliable star Kevin Hart comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer beater under the basket!
Sean Combs with a rough bank shot from the left corner! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Sloppy handling by Sean Combs! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Billy Slater loses their assignment! Like losing their league jersey in the workshop!
This hooper's hooper George Mikan is automatic from mid-range! A thunderous slam drops again!
The players disappear. Billy Slater has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Confession: Billy Slater believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Sean Combs penetrates the towel! This guy everybody knows showing limited stamina!
James Charles attacks but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
This top-tier talent Sean Combs with the savvy veteran play! Unreal swagger experience showing!
James Charles, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Sean Combs had the chances but couldn't convert. This All-Star caliber talent left wanting.
James Charles stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. George Mikan comes back to get him. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
79-116 (L)
Billy Slater takes the court to immense pressure! The rugby league player with their league jersey is here!
Sean Combs with the ugly miss! The philanthropist touch is absent tonight!
Kevin Hart tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Limited stamina in the decision-making!
This established star Sean Combs gives up the offensive rebound! Ego the size of Texas when boxing out!
This next-level player George Mikan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime! George Mikan looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Physio's confession: George Mikan purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Kevin Hart misses! Even a film producer can't fix that shot!
Kevin Hart drags their feet! Heavy as their loaded checkbook at the end of a shift!
Billy Slater with the errant pass! This dude out of nowhere needs to settle down!
This bonafide star Sean Combs hangs the head after the miss! Deflated under the basket!
Sean Combs leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a philanthropist after the game setback!
Billy Slater takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. James Charles doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
90-105 (L)
Sean Combs, this guy everybody knows, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
George Mikan can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this hooper's hooper!
Sean Combs loses possession! The game never leaves a philanthropist's hands like that!
George Mikan lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this well-respected player fooled!
Sean Combs with the decisive fadeaway jumper! Natural-born leadership when it matters most!
Halftime. The doctor examines George Mikan's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: George Mikan once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Kevin Hart, this little guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
Billy Slater sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this rugby league player!
James Charles zones up! Defensive zone like a tiktoker's the game zone!
James Charles grabs the shorts! This player on the come-up is running on fumes!
Billy Slater absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a rugby league player knows tough days!
Billy Slater walks toward the tunnel without a word. Sean Combs stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
96-114 (L)
Sean Combs, this world-class player, draws first blood! A fadeaway jumper to start!
Sean Combs can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a philanthropist always hits!
George Mikan throws it into the stands! What was that from this respected competitor!
James Charles beaten to the spot! Slower than a tiktoker on a Monday morning!
James Charles sinks it from downtown. A tiktoker never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
Halftime. Kevin Hart throws his towel on the floor walking in. Bus driver's confession: Kevin Hart raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
George Mikan, this absolute unit, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!
George Mikan, this beanpole, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
Sean Combs uses their size out there! The philanthropist has a built-in advantage!
Sean Combs, this solid build, looks exhausted facing the rim! The legs are gone!
Kevin Hart, this reliable star, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
James Charles's gaze is cold, distant. Kevin Hart's gaze is hot, angry. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce James Charles's name. Forgive me. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
73-118 (L)
This bonafide star Kevin Hart means business! Fast start on the low block!
George Mikan can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the top of the key! Frustrating!
George Mikan passes to nobody! This hooper's hooper with a head-scratching decision!
Sean Combs caught flat-footed! Standing still, the philanthropist reflexes took a nap!
Sean Combs stares in disbelief! The look of a philanthropist who just lost everything!
Halftime whistle. James Charles high-fives his teammates on the way out. Exclusive info: James Charles is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Kevin Hart, this undersized spark plug, bobbles the damn ball and the chance evaporates from the right corner!
This next-level player James Charles can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Sean Combs throws it away! A pass worse than a philanthropist tossing the game!
This seasoned vet George Mikan fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
This rising star Billy Slater congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this rising star.
Billy Slater's lip is trembling. Sean Combs dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-134 (L)
James Charles locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a tiktoker who means business!
Kevin Hart rushes a devastating dunk on the low block! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Kevin Hart gets picked! A film producer getting the risky picture stolen in broad daylight!
Billy Slater can't stay in front! Charging the defensive line doesn't build lateral quickness!
Billy Slater mutters to himself walking back! This rising star fighting inner demons!
Break! Kevin Hart heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Locker room intel: Kevin Hart has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
James Charles misfires on the low block! Even this guy with a proven track record has off nights!
Kevin Hart is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the film producer is spent!
This guy with a proven track record George Mikan commits the 5-second violation! Clock management sometimes predictable game!
James Charles waves off the play! The authority of a tiktoker in that gesture!
Kevin Hart walks off in silence. This All-Star caliber talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
James Charles stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. George Mikan comes back to get him. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
92-116 (L)
Sean Combs steps onto the den! From competing the game to this, game time!
Billy Slater skips it off the rim! The defensive line has better hop than that!
Billy Slater with a wild pass that sails out! This diamond in the rough giving it away!
Kevin Hart left in the dust! Even a film producer moves faster than that!
Sean Combs converts a tough finger roll under the basket! Skill level: elite!
Halftime! Billy Slater looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Billy Slater blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
James Charles vents at their teammates! The tiktoker who vents about the game!
Billy Slater fires away the basketball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this diamond in the rough!
Kevin Hart, this All-Star caliber talent, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
James Charles struggles in overtime! The tiktoker hitting the wall with the game!
Sean Combs consoles teammates! The heart of a philanthropist in that moment!
George Mikan's eyes are glassy. Sean Combs mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-126 (L)
Game time! Kevin Hart and this world-class player ready to put on a show at the venue!
This established player George Mikan rattles it out! So close yet so far from downtown!
This next-level player James Charles with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Billy Slater bites on the fake! Fooled like a rugby league player by counterfeit the defensive line!
Billy Slater glares at the scoreboard! This unknown gem not happy with the situation!
Both teams head to the locker room. James Charles wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little scoop: James Charles collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Kevin Hart whiffs on the jumper! A film producer off their game with their loaded checkbook!
Sean Combs misses from fatigue! This headliner can't get the elevation back to the basket!
Sean Combs, this combo guard, gets stripped at the buzzer! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
James Charles, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Limited stamina creeping in!
This franchise guy Kevin Hart stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this franchise guy wanted.
James Charles punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Kevin Hart slides down the wall to the floor. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
75-119 (L)
Sean Combs checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Kevin Hart launches from deep and misses! A film producer's range doesn't apply here!
George Mikan with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
James Charles fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a tiktoker chasing the game!
This dude putting the league on notice George Mikan can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break time. Kevin Hart bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Kevin Hart keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
A half-court heave from James Charles hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Sean Combs is visibly tired! This reliable star needs a timeout badly!
Kevin Hart, this undersized spark plug, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from way beyond the arc!
George Mikan can't mask the disappointment! This up-and-coming baller wearing it on the sleeve!
Billy Slater tips the cap to the winners! The rugby league player's grace with the defensive line!
James Charles refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. George Mikan watches it and immediately regrets it. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
98-116 (L)
Billy Slater begins their shift on the field house! A rugby league player starting the their league jersey shift!
Kevin Hart, this short king, loses the handle and the opportunity! Tendency to rush!
Billy Slater dribbles it off their foot! Their league jersey would never betray a rugby league player like that!
George Mikan, this mammoth, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to rush exposed in the mismatch!
James Charles with a catch-and-shoot triple on the break! Running like they're late for work!
The players leave the court. Billy Slater clings to the tunnel railing. Intel: Billy Slater once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're back! The players look fired up.
James Charles, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
George Mikan goes to work the leather awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this well-respected player!
Billy Slater schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true rugby league player!
Billy Slater is running on pure willpower! This raw talent refusing to quit!
James Charles sits alone on the bench. This dude putting the league on notice processing the defeat.
Billy Slater stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Kevin Hart comes back to get him. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
78-118 (L)
Billy Slater opens with a thunderous slam! This diamond in the rough making an early statement!
Billy Slater misses the free throw! Charging the defensive line under pressure is easier!
George Mikan, this 7-footer, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the damn ball!
James Charles beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a tiktoker!
Kevin Hart slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
Halftime whistle. James Charles spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Quick anecdote about James Charles: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Air ball from Billy Slater! Being a rugby league player doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This solid pro George Mikan has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Sean Combs turns it over at after a timeout! A philanthropist dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
James Charles argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
James Charles sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a tiktoker after their bare hands broke!
Billy Slater's gaze is cold, distant. James Charles's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
93-126 (L)
Tip-off! George Mikan gets us started! Let's go!
Billy Slater short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their league jersey!
George Mikan, this long boy, commits the travel! Tendency to force bad shots in the footwork!
Billy Slater gets caught flat-footed! This newcomer beaten to the spot!
James Charles, this league veteran, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Break. George Mikan collapses next to the vending machine. Little secret: George Mikan watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kevin Hart, this guy everybody knows, comes up empty! A two-handed slam off target at the buzzer!
Kevin Hart plays through exhaustion! The endurance of greenlighting the risky picture daily!
Billy Slater with the careless pass! Charging the defensive line with more care, please!
Kevin Hart is visibly upset! Upset as a film producer when the risky picture goes sideways!
Sean Combs, this do-it-all player, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Sean Combs mutters 'damn' under his breath. George Mikan says 'yeah' in the same tone. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-119 (L)
Sean Combs starts in the leader! Playing the leader way a philanthropist plays with their bare hands!
George Mikan, this long boy, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
George Mikan spins into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
George Mikan gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
This seasoned vet James Charles shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Back in the locker room, Kevin Hart sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know Kevin Hart plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
James Charles misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Sean Combs, this headliner, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
This dude putting the league on notice George Mikan with turnover number buckets! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Billy Slater dishes and kicks the stanchion! This potential breakout star losing composure!
This hungry young player Billy Slater tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Sean Combs leaves the court at a jog. Billy Slater stays there, planted at center court, motionless. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: George Mikan.
Season journal
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
_(cropped).png%3Fwidth%3D150&w=150)
