My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

0-1 (L)

Jesus Christ swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Jesus Christ sets it for Wally West, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Wally West sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. The superhero sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Sonic the Hedgehog puts the ball right into the path of Jesus Christ, played to the inch, the space is found. Acceleration from Jesus Christ down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

Wall pass between the messiah and Emil Blonsky, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Incredible burst of pace from Jesus Christ, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Ball loss from Jesus Christ in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Mister Fantastic puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Mister Fantastic clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Ball in behind from the explorer, Thor is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. SHOOOOT from Thor... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The explorer opens up to Thor on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

It's in! Paris Saint-Glinglin take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Jesus Christ's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Jesus Christ takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Paparazzi snapped Emil Blonsky on holiday in Benidorm wearing socks with sandals, a bum bag, and a bucket hat that said 'LADS ON TOUR.' At 180, the 28-year-old was impossible to miss. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Mister Fantastic high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The explorer puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. What a claim from Ultimate Spider-Man! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. The superhero finds Black Flash with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

High recovery from the player who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Good ball from Black Flash to Barry Allen, playing it quick between the lines. Stunning one-two between Barry Allen and Mister Fantastic, the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer.

Sublime piece of skill from Ultimate Iron Man, he controls with his back and spins away. The crowd is on its feet. The engineer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Poor cross from the engineer, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

Superb defensive work from Wally West there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Big clearance from Wally West under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Sonic the Hedgehog is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. The player heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Black Flash slides a beauty through the gap, Ultimate Iron Man is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Ultimate Iron Man attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Mister Fantastic embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace.

Jesus Christ links a one-two with Ultimate Iron Man, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection. Offside. Jesus Christ was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when Ultimate Iron Man passed. Short distribution from Ultimate Spider-Man to Thor, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The player finds Hulk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Nutmeg from the scientist on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role.

Gutting. Jesus Christ throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Ultimate Iron Man picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-2 (L)

Jesus Christ steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. The messiah floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. GOOOAL for Hulk! Perfect downward header on the delivery from Mister Fantastic, the ball bounces in front of the keeper and ends up in the net!

Perfect back flip from Jesus Christ right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Mister Fantastic tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Ultimate Spider-Man has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

On the corner from Sonic the Hedgehog, Hulk rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar. Massive clearance from Emil Blonsky, just get the ball as far away as possible. Crossfield pass from Hulk to Wally West, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Sonic the Hedgehog shapes to shoot but plays it short to Emil Blonsky, the defence is caught flat-footed. Emil Blonsky lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. The cross from Black Flash is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

Thor rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Emil Blonsky. The far side is completely deserted. Emil Blonsky fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Black Flash throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Aerial duel lost by Black Flash, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

They've scored! México No-Era-Penal find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Ultimate Spider-Man kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Ultimate Iron Man takes a knee behind him. Ultimate Spider-Man raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

The gaffer points at Jesus Christ: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Jesus Christ clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Inside information from the dressing room — Hulk insists on having a Tesco meal deal exactly ninety minutes before every match. Chicken and bacon sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps, and a Ribena. No substitutions. The nutritionist has simply given up. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' Ultimate Spider-Man leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Switch from Black Flash! The ball arcs over the midfield and Hulk collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. The scientist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Hulk lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Enormous clearance from Emil Blonsky inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half.

Give and go from the messiah with Wally West, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Cut-back from Jesus Christ along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Black Flash centrally. Black Flash slips Mister Fantastic in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Wall pass between Mister Fantastic and Ultimate Iron Man, the combination comes off a treat. Mister Fantastic drills a low ball back for Ultimate Iron Man, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

Oh that's terrible! México No-Era-Penal score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Ultimate Spider-Man climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Mister Fantastic films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Ultimate Iron Man flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Dummy from Ultimate Iron Man, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. The engineer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Hulk. That is exactly why he is out there. NO GOAL! Hulk was a toe offside when Wally West released the pass. Agonising! The referee's earpiece is buzzing, VAR has spotted something. Hearts are in mouths. Play on! VAR has cleared Barry Allen's goal, no issues whatsoever!

That hurts. Barry Allen leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Black Flash stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Barry Allen nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

They've scored again! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are running riot and we can't cope.

Ultimate Spider-Man mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Thor does the wave with contortionist grace. Ultimate Spider-Man solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Interception from Barry Allen right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. The player was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

Full moonwalk from Barry Allen, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Jesus Christ does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Ultimate Spider-Man applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Fantastic high recovery from Black Flash, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Black Flash bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Black Flash lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Lovely corner from the explorer but the header ends up wide. In that position, when you put the ball in the right area and it does not go in, the finishers need to look at themselves. Ultimate Spider-Man fires it out quickly by hand to Emil Blonsky, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

Hulk opens up to Barry Allen on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Good cross from the superhero for Sonic the Hedgehog in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Sonic the Hedgehog is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion.

Ultimate Spider-Man is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Ultimate Spider-Man: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Now this is properly British — Thor once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 28 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Ultimate Spider-Man squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Ultimate Spider-Man sends an absolute rocket towards Thor, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. What a block! Thor slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Thor finds Barry Allen between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The superhero has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

Driven kick from Ultimate Spider-Man to Jesus Christ, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Jesus Christ slides it to Barry Allen, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Barry Allen to Emil Blonsky, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

The superhero throws it out to Jesus Christ, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Raking ball from the messiah to Black Flash, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Black Flash wins the header and flicks it on for Ultimate Iron Man. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Short pass from the superhero to Mister Fantastic, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Mister Fantastic wants to play it quick but the pass to Hulk is wayward, lacking any precision. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. The player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Thor intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Diagonal from Thor to Barry Allen, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Thor drops a lofted ball to Sonic the Hedgehog, it sails over the entire midfield line. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Perfect parity. Jesus Christ slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Hulk watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Rapid combination Thor-Black Flash, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker. GOOOOAL from the player! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Emil Blonsky picks out Thor with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Thor plays it back across the box for Ultimate Iron Man, the low cross is inch-perfect. Miss of the season from Ultimate Iron Man! Emil Blonsky serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Great vision from Black Flash who switches to Hulk. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Hulk plays it simple to Ultimate Iron Man, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Unbelievable! Dakar Teranga FC score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Barry Allen grabs the attacker by the shorts, bit embarrassing that! Booking for the superhero, tactical foul to prevent the counter. It's bred into that position. Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. OHHH the header from the messiah goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Long kick from Ultimate Spider-Man, Mister Fantastic positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

The physio works on Black Flash's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Black Flash, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Mister Fantastic, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Inside information from the dressing room — Emil Blonsky insists on having a Tesco meal deal exactly ninety minutes before every match. Chicken and bacon sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps, and a Ribena. No substitutions. The nutritionist has simply given up. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' They are back. Barry Allen salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Ultimate Spider-Man boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Sonic the Hedgehog! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Sonic the Hedgehog is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. Ultimate Iron Man meets the cross from Emil Blonsky with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move.

Thor charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Body feint from Thor, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Thor has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out.

The player goes for the short corner to Hulk, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Rapid combination: Hulk to Barry Allen, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The superhero plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Sonic the Hedgehog spots Emil Blonsky in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Black Flash threads a ball into the void for Jesus Christ, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Jesus Christ powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Jesus Christ sends a delightful lobbed cross, the ball clears the defence and drops for Thor. Aerial claim from the superhero, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Beautiful distribution from Ultimate Spider-Man to Mister Fantastic, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Solo raid from Emil Blonsky from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Lay-off from Emil Blonsky to Sonic the Hedgehog out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

Clearance from the superhero towards Hulk, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Hulk charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Trip by Hulk, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Yellow card. Hulk racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore.

Points shared. Ultimate Iron Man sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Barry Allen crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box. Sublime through ball from Thor for Hulk who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. GOOOOOAL signed by the scientist! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Thor climbs onto Mister Fantastic's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Ultimate Spider-Man circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. The player bends the ball into the box for Ultimate Iron Man. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

The superhero goes long for Barry Allen, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Barry Allen shifts it to Mister Fantastic with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lovely use of the ball by Mister Fantastic, finding Wally West in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Thor strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. The player is fouled in the box, PENALTY! In that position, winning a penalty is a DEADLY weapon. The referee points to the spot, the tension is ELECTRIC. The keeper saves the player's penalty! In that position, missing a penalty is tough but the GREATS always come back stronger. Hulk boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

That's a beauty from Emil Blonsky! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Emil Blonsky sends an aerial beauty to Jesus Christ, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Emil Blonsky sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Jesus Christ has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Barry Allen's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 180 and 28 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' Back on the pitch and Ultimate Iron Man is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. The superhero switches the play to Jesus Christ, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Ultimate Spider-Man falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Black Flash arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Sonic the Hedgehog delivers a tidy ball to Jesus Christ, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Jesus Christ sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Sonic the Hedgehog. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Sonic the Hedgehog sends in a curling delivery, Barry Allen peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

The player bounces off Wally West for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Foul by the player, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Black Flash nudges the ball to Ultimate Iron Man from the free kick, the wall has been beaten by guile.

It's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

The player plays the one-two with Wally West and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. The player pulls it back along the ground for Thor. The low cut-back is his trademark. Little shift from Thor to Ultimate Iron Man, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Wall combination between Ultimate Iron Man and Emil Blonsky, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. The engineer slides a perfect cut-back for Sonic the Hedgehog in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class.

It's open bar in both boxes, literally anything could happen now. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Clean lay-off from the player to Sonic the Hedgehog into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class.

Lost it. Ultimate Spider-Man kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Black Flash hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-3 (L)

Wally West goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. Free kick crossed in by the superhero into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Headed goal for Sonic the Hedgehog from the perfect cross by Thor, the keeper is beaten.

Ultimate Iron Man triggers a change of flanks for Mister Fantastic, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Mister Fantastic crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Emil Blonsky is in the right place. Ultimate Spider-Man comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Ultimate Spider-Man hoofs it forward towards Jesus Christ, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Inch-perfect tackle by Hulk, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Burst of speed from the explorer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Lay-off from Mister Fantastic to Ultimate Iron Man, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Ultimate Iron Man reads the movement from Wally West and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts.

Short free kick from Black Flash, Wally West receives in space and can play on. Step-overs from Wally West, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. The superhero lays it off first time to Black Flash, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Give and go between Black Flash and Ultimate Iron Man, the timing is inch-perfect, the defender bit on the first touch.

It's there! Lagos No-Carry-Last tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Ultimate Spider-Man's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Ultimate Spider-Man takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Roommates on away trips confirm Ultimate Spider-Man sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 28, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Emil Blonsky takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Ultimate Iron Man pings a long diagonal to Emil Blonsky, completely shifts the point of attack. Overlap and cross from Emil Blonsky, the ball drops at the feet of Wally West in the heart of the box. The superhero tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable. On the corner from Black Flash, Thor is there for the header but it goes over. So frustrating.

Wally West to Ultimate Iron Man, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Brilliant switch of play from Sonic the Hedgehog! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Black Flash.

GOAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

The pile at the corner flag. Ultimate Spider-Man is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Ultimate Spider-Man arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. The player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Quick exchange between Emil Blonsky and Barry Allen, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Delicious through ball from Barry Allen, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Wally West is there to gobble it up.

Emil Blonsky scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Ultimate Spider-Man plays it along the ground to Hulk, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Hulk fires the ball over to Black Flash with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Ground pass from Black Flash into the free zone for Wally West, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. What a STRIIIIKE from Wally West! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

Emil Blonsky spreads it to Jesus Christ, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The messiah reads the movement before anyone else and puts Sonic the Hedgehog into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. The player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Ultimate Iron Man slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Oh it's gone in! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Solidarity move: Ultimate Spider-Man grabs Thor who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Thor a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Crafty ball from Hulk into the gap, Mister Fantastic arrives into the space and collects on the move. Low cut-back from the explorer for Barry Allen. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Shot blocked from Barry Allen, the defender makes himself big and screens the ball. The shot doesn't get through.

Full time. Thor applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Hulk joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

One touch football: Thor to Jesus Christ, faster than the opposition can think. Jesus Christ goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Jesus Christ just won it. GOOOOOOAL! Jesus Christ meets the pass from Thor and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Thor falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Hulk arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. The explorer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Mister Fantastic delivers from the byline, Black Flash is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. The player gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight.

Dangerous delivery from the player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Black Flash rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

Good ball from the player to Black Flash, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The player lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart. Black Flash floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Black Flash plays it back for Mister Fantastic in the box, the defence is all over the place. Mister Fantastic just had to stick a foot out, open goal, inch-perfect service from Sonic the Hedgehog... and he puts it anywhere but the net. Devastating. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

The gaffer pulls up Barranquilla Toque-Toque's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Emil Blonsky, you have the pace. Sonic the Hedgehog, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. We're hearing that Emil Blonsky spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 28, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' And they are off! Emil Blonsky touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

The free kick from Black Flash is floated in, Ultimate Iron Man makes his run to the back post. The engineer dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. SHOOOOOOT from Ultimate Iron Man! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

GOAAAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Ultimate Spider-Man slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Black Flash photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The free kick from Ultimate Iron Man clears the defence and finds Thor in the danger area. The superhero climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Ultimate Iron Man keeps it short to Jesus Christ, no frills, just good football intelligence. Jesus Christ drops it into space for Hulk, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Hulk strays offside by half a boot on Black Flash's pass, brutal decision!

Sonic the Hedgehog rolls it to Barry Allen, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Barry Allen shifts it wide to Jesus Christ on the right, lovely ball into the space. Jesus Christ drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Emil Blonsky is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Free kick from Ultimate Iron Man to the near post, Jesus Christ gets a flick on it. Magnificent leap from Jesus Christ who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. The messiah launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Barry Allen switches the play to Jesus Christ on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Ball into space from Jesus Christ, Thor just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Thor is well offside there. Barry Allen tried to find him but the run was mistimed. Short restart from Ultimate Spider-Man to Thor, building from the back nice and tidy. Blistering run from Thor on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

1-1 and off we go. Wally West hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Barry Allen does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. Black Flash sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Mister Fantastic in the thick of it. The explorer rises and plants his header on the cross from Jesus Christ! In that position, that heading game is what justifies your presence in the box. GOAL!

Black Flash spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Thor gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Ultimate Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Barry Allen, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Crunching tackle by Barry Allen on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Barry Allen gives it to Ultimate Iron Man into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Ultimate Iron Man strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

The player plays it simple to Emil Blonsky, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Through ball from the player for Jesus Christ, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The messiah strays just offside on Emil Blonsky's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. Monster clearance from Ultimate Spider-Man, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Emil Blonsky. Superb tackle from the player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night.

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. That is miles high from Ultimate Iron Man! The ball disappears into the sky, absolutely nowhere near. Ultimate Spider-Man plays out from the back with Hulk, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Wally West clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Wally West's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Wally West takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. A delightful detail about Mister Fantastic — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 28 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' Ultimate Spider-Man leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

They've scored! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Ultimate Spider-Man unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Wally West makes a heart sign with his hands. Ultimate Spider-Man finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Textbook lay-off from Ultimate Iron Man to Thor who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Thor accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Chipped cross from Thor over the defence, Sonic the Hedgehog is underneath it. That is a killer ball. Lovely claim from Ultimate Spider-Man! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Short restart from the superhero to Sonic the Hedgehog, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Ultimate Spider-Man and Wally West do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Ultimate Spider-Man arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Sonic the Hedgehog clean through. Pure genius from that position. Just wide from Sonic the Hedgehog, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Hulk pings a ridiculous diagonal to Emil Blonsky. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon. Jesus Christ puts Emil Blonsky into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Ball into space from the engineer for Jesus Christ, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Flag raised against the messiah. Ultimate Iron Man's ball was good but the timing was off. Massive clearance from Hulk in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The superhero goes long for Sonic the Hedgehog, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Classy interception from Wally West, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Incredible solo charge from the engineer, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. JUST WIIIIIDE from Ultimate Iron Man! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Tough one against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Jesus Christ and Black Flash are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Free kick from Ultimate Iron Man curled into the area, Sonic the Hedgehog attacks it with a header. Oh what a howler from Sonic the Hedgehog! Own goal! He completely messes up his intervention on the cross from Mister Fantastic and smashes the ball into his own net. The kind of thing that DESTROYS you mentally.

Ultimate Iron Man climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Jesus Christ films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Black Flash lobs it over the defensive block, Hulk peels off and receives in space. Sublime. ACROBATIC GOAL from Hulk! A SPECTACULAR scissor kick on the cross from Mister Fantastic! He rotates in mid-air and strikes the ball with POWER and SURGICAL precision! INTO THE NET!

Tidy restart from Ultimate Spider-Man along the deck to Black Flash, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Superb diagonal from the player to Emil Blonsky, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Emil Blonsky puts it right into the feet of Thor, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The player takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon.

Well-taken corner from the player but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Ultimate Spider-Man rolls it short to Wally West into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. The superhero reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Hulk. Pure quality, as per usual. Shifting pass from Hulk to Wally West, the ball drifts into the free zone and Wally West is onto it in two strides.

One laser pass from Hulk and the entire defence is eliminated, Ultimate Iron Man is through on goal. The space is enormous. Lightning overlap from Ultimate Iron Man, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. The engineer slides in and gets nothing. In that position, you simply cannot afford to miss those. RED CARD — Ultimate Iron Man chops down the attacker with no one else between him and the goalkeeper. Had to be done, but he's off.

Hulk is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Hulk: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A source close to the squad tells us that Hulk has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 180, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Mister Fantastic wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Black Flash sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. The messiah boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Black Flash goes crossfield to Emil Blonsky, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

And it's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

The free kick from Mister Fantastic is played short, Jesus Christ receives and goes immediately. Effort from Jesus Christ, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Jesus Christ tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

Emil Blonsky intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. With one swing of the boot, Emil Blonsky finds Jesus Christ on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Overlap from Jesus Christ with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Poor cross from Jesus Christ, the ball sails three yards over the head of Hulk. Wasteful. Lifesaving clearance from Barry Allen! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

Wally West puts in a monster defensive effort, runs the length of the pitch to cut out the counter-attack. Nasty little foul from Wally West, he takes out the legs from under the runner. Wally West picks up a yellow for fouling the attacker on the transition. Dark arts of defending. That's a sending off for Wally West. Two yellows make a red. He knew the score. Wally West whips the free kick into the box for Emil Blonsky, dangerous delivery!

Oh dear oh dear! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Ultimate Spider-Man stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Barry Allen comes over and hugs him without a word.

Hulk delays and delays, the ref is losing patience now. Booking for Hulk. Screaming at the linesman is never a good idea. Hulk plays the free kick into the danger zone, Ultimate Iron Man arrives at the penalty spot. Header from the engineer, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

Level at the final whistle. Emil Blonsky and Sonic the Hedgehog walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Sonic the Hedgehog puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Barry Allen is there to finish. The superhero deflects the ball into his own net! In that position, this is the nightmare you have the night before a match. The ball bounces off him and lobs the keeper. NOOOO, this is CRUEL for him!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Sonic the Hedgehog strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Black Flash points at it, jaw on the floor. Ultimate Spider-Man shakes his head, not believing it.

Hulk plays the give-and-go with Jesus Christ, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Hulk bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. The scientist loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. Barry Allen with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Almighty boot from Barry Allen who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Black Flash whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Jesus Christ clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Hulk. Pure quality, as per usual.

Thor feeds Emil Blonsky in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The crowd can sense it, something's about to give.

Jesus Christ strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. OHHH Jesus Christ strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat.

Jesus Christ is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Sonic the Hedgehog leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Scouts initially spotted Jesus Christ not on a pitch but in a Greggs queue, where the 2019-year-old demonstrated elite spatial awareness and patience beyond his years. At 180, the lad dominated the sausage roll section. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Black Flash is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing. Sonic the Hedgehog sees what nobody else sees and puts Black Flash through on goal with a genius through ball. Black Flash accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Dangerous delivery from the engineer on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. HEADER from Wally West! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Thor launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Mister Fantastic, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Ultimate Spider-Man plays it short to Thor, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Massive diagonal from Thor! Black Flash receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. The player finds Mister Fantastic along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Mister Fantastic floats a cross in from the wing for Emil Blonsky, the ball hangs in the box!

Header missed from the corner by the player! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Instinctive clearance from Jesus Christ who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Jesus Christ loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. Ultimate Iron Man hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Enormous anticipation from Barry Allen who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Barry Allen changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Wally West. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Cross from Wally West off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Mister Fantastic at the far side. Header from Mister Fantastic, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

It's over and we've won it! Sonic the Hedgehog grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Emil Blonsky pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. The player aims with surgical precision on the pass from Jesus Christ! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Superb diagonal from the superhero to Ultimate Iron Man, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Attempted pass from Ultimate Iron Man to Mister Fantastic, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. The player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Monumental ball from Emil Blonsky to Sonic the Hedgehog, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap on the left from Sonic the Hedgehog, floated cross towards Barry Allen who rises highest at the far post.

Barry Allen intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Jesus Christ puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

Ultimate Spider-Man goes long for Black Flash, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. The player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. The player finds Ultimate Iron Man along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Mister Fantastic unleashes a raking ball out to Black Flash, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The player is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Hulk plays the simple ball to Sonic the Hedgehog, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Ultimate Iron Man is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Barry Allen leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that Ultimate Spider-Man has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Thor is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Quick one-two between Thor and Hulk, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Hulk tries to open it up for Wally West but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Clinical interception from Thor, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Smooth transition from Thor to Mister Fantastic, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Good ball from the explorer to Black Flash, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The engineer starts a one-two with Emil Blonsky, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. The engineer rolls it back along the ground for Sonic the Hedgehog. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. Ultimate Spider-Man stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper. Ultimate Spider-Man sparks the transition with a quick throw to Sonic the Hedgehog, the break is lightning fast. Dreadful pass from Sonic the Hedgehog, lands three yards away from the target. Barry Allen can do nothing with that.

The referee comes back from the screen, still hasn't made his call. The wait is cruel. Thor can't believe his eyes, his yellow has become red after VAR! Thor has bitten the opponent! Can you believe that? Straight red, and rightly so. The player plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ.

Barry Allen dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. The superhero opens up to Jesus Christ on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Floated cross from Jesus Christ off the right, Sonic the Hedgehog has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Scramble in the box after Sonic the Hedgehog's corner! A defender boots it away, just about! Black Flash unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Mister Fantastic lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Ultimate Spider-Man distributes short to Mister Fantastic, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Mister Fantastic wants to find Barry Allen between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

FULL TIME! Ultimate Spider-Man jumps on Wally West's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Istanbul Cehennem FK shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

Short build-up from Sonic the Hedgehog to Hulk, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The scientist cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Black Flash. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Black Flash touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Sonic the Hedgehog is at the centre, lifted up by Mister Fantastic and Ultimate Spider-Man, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Milano Piano-Piano's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Black Flash winds up the right foot and sends a ROCKET top bins! GOAL, that is the strike of the match!

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The engineer finds Jesus Christ along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The messiah finds Sonic the Hedgehog along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Sonic the Hedgehog gives it to Barry Allen who returns it first time, Sonic the Hedgehog ghosts past his man like he does not exist.

Thor lays it off first time to Ultimate Iron Man, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ultimate Iron Man floats it into the gap for Emil Blonsky, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Devastating burst of pace from Emil Blonsky, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Emil Blonsky gets done for holding, clear as day, free kick.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Ultimate Spider-Man points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Hulk comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Ultimate Spider-Man is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Ultimate Iron Man puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Sonic the Hedgehog has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 28, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' Back on the pitch and Ultimate Spider-Man is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Decisive interception from Barry Allen who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Barry Allen saw it all. Long ball from Barry Allen to Jesus Christ, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Ultimate Spider-Man arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Mister Fantastic slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Sideways ball from Jesus Christ to Emil Blonsky, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Change of flanks from Emil Blonsky, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Mister Fantastic. Mister Fantastic crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Thor is there to meet it.

The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Barry Allen links up with Black Flash, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Black Flash swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Ultimate Iron Man, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Hulk senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Jesus Christ shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Mister Fantastic has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Black Flash strings together a series of step-overs and puts the defender on the floor. He is an artist. Firm pass from Black Flash into Hulk, right into the boots. No waste. Shot from the scientist, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. The superhero finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Ultimate Spider-Man lumps it long towards Sonic the Hedgehog, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The player loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. Lovely take from Ultimate Spider-Man! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Lovely use of the ball by Thor, finding Ultimate Iron Man in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

That hurts. Hulk leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Sonic the Hedgehog stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Hulk nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

Ultimate Iron Man gives it to Sonic the Hedgehog into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Sonic the Hedgehog anticipates the run from Mister Fantastic and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Mister Fantastic does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Ultimate Iron Man arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Jesus Christ slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

The player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The superhero rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Good ball from Wally West to Hulk, playing it quick between the lines.

The scientist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Ultimate Spider-Man finds Barry Allen with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Enormous leap from the superhero who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Barry Allen absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Wally West frees up the entire channel for Hulk with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. The overlap from Hulk, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Hulk gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Individual run from Black Flash, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. The referee BLOWS! PENALTY! Black Flash has been illegally stopped in the box by the defender. The spot is pointed to, the stadium holds its BREATH, everything is decided HERE and NOW! POST! Black Flash sees his penalty come back off the right upright. Bad luck is relentless. Clearance from the superhero towards Emil Blonsky, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Thor stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Barry Allen bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. We're hearing that Jesus Christ spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 2019, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Black Flash picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Thor puts it right into the feet of Hulk, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Dribble from Hulk in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Perfect low cut-back from Hulk, the ball slides across the box and Thor just has to finish. Thor slides it to Mister Fantastic, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Ultimate Spider-Man catapults the ball towards Sonic the Hedgehog from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The player misplaces his pass to Barry Allen, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Mister Fantastic with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football.

Brutal challenge by Hulk, he's absolutely smashed the attacker. The crowd are furious. The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. What a turnaround! VAR waves the penalty away, Hulk went down on his own! Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

What a tackle by Hulk! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Wide from the engineer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if.

The superhero goes long for Sonic the Hedgehog, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Sonic the Hedgehog plays it simple to Black Flash, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Final whistle! Ultimate Spider-Man bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. Ultimate Iron Man is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. Sevilla Olé-Olé won't want to watch the highlights. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Mister Fantastic clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Dangerous delivery from the explorer on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. The player meets the cross from Black Flash with his head and scores! GOOOAL! In that position, that aerial game is an insane weapon.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Mister Fantastic ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Sonic the Hedgehog leaps over him. Ultimate Spider-Man walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Ultimate Spider-Man getting right in the face of the opposition keeper, towering over the defenders. GOOOAL from the explorer with his head! In that position, knowing how to assert yourself in the air like that is what makes you indispensable.

It was bound to happen. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and honestly, we deserved that.

Raw emotion: Ultimate Spider-Man cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Thor crouches beside him and speaks softly. Ultimate Spider-Man jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Error from the messiah, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Wally West does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

Oh that's heartbreaking! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score right on the stroke of half-time.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Thor has not moved since sitting down. Emil Blonsky is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Sources confirm Jesus Christ once spent four hours in Primark and came out wearing head-to-toe matching leopard print. At 180, the 2019-year-old looked like a giraffe having an identity crisis. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' And the second half is go! Black Flash charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Ultimate Spider-Man opts for the short option to Hulk, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Absolutely immense from Hulk! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Hulk rolls it to Barry Allen, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Ultimate Iron Man weights his pass into the space for Hulk who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Hulk charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous.

Disaster! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

The engineer plays it short to Wally West, slowing the tempo. In that position, playing the corner with brains rather than brute force is priceless. Wally West reaches the byline and pulls it back for Jesus Christ, the low ball fizzes through the area. Golden chance wasted by the messiah after the perfect service from Hulk. In that role, it is these moments that separate a good player from a great one. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Short free kick from Mister Fantastic to Jesus Christ, they are trying the training ground move. Short pass from the messiah to Black Flash, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The player gets to the byline and floats one in for Barry Allen. Crossing is his bread and butter. Ultimate Spider-Man pushes the effort away with a firm hand! The keeper is unbeatable today, he is a WALL.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Oh what a challenge! Hulk goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Short pass from the scientist to Ultimate Iron Man, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Give and go from the engineer with Mister Fantastic, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold.

Ultimate Iron Man to Hulk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Hulk clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Thor gets across the near post first. Aerial duel won by the player, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Thor sets it for Black Flash, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Huge interception from Emil Blonsky! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Black Flash burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

It's over and München Ordnung-Muss-Sein take the points. Ultimate Spider-Man shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Wally West walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Sonic the Hedgehog gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Sonic the Hedgehog has it running through his veins. Ball in behind from the player, Emil Blonsky is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Emil Blonsky follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Mister Fantastic! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Sonic the Hedgehog and Hulk do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Ultimate Spider-Man arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Thor tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Thor takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Thor eyeballs the London Three-Pints bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Wally West pulls Thor away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Quick throw from Ultimate Spider-Man to Barry Allen out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Barry Allen floats a ball towards Emil Blonsky but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons.

Thor brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. Thor tries the surprise free kick but it goes over the bar. The ball is not coming back.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Mister Fantastic has not moved since sitting down. Jesus Christ is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." A gorgeous bit of intel — Emil Blonsky once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 28, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' The second period begins and Sonic the Hedgehog launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The player puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Jesus Christ delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! Shot blocked! Ultimate Iron Man couldn't get it past the defender who gets in the way at the last second. Sonic the Hedgehog boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

They've nicked a goal! London Three-Pints catch us cold on the break.

Ultimate Spider-Man sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Ultimate Spider-Man, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Jesus Christ looks up and launches a long pass towards Barry Allen. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Poor decision from Barry Allen on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Barry Allen launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Barry Allen launches it to Ultimate Iron Man on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Looping cross from Ultimate Iron Man, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Jesus Christ. Danger.

Short restart from the superhero to Hulk, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Hulk steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Wing switch from Hulk, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Emil Blonsky brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. Sonic the Hedgehog puts the ball right into the mixer, Emil Blonsky arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Emil Blonsky is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Thor hits the right post! The ball spins back into play, just centimetres from going in. Ultimate Spider-Man distributes by hand to Black Flash on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Through ball from the player for Sonic the Hedgehog, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The flag goes up against Sonic the Hedgehog. He was leaning offside when Barry Allen struck the pass. Long ball from Ultimate Spider-Man for Mister Fantastic who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. The explorer plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Defeat. Mister Fantastic sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Ultimate Spider-Man comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.