My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

The farmer positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. What FINESSE on the strike from Luigi! On the cross from Mario, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Goku runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Jesus Christ tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Usain Bolt launches himself on the corner from Luigi and powers a header but it is off target. Batman heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Usain Bolt rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Jesus Christ, arms out like an aeroplane. Hulk follows in like he's skiing. Jesus Christ arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Through ball from the superhero for Usain Bolt, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Usain Bolt charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Usain Bolt crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Shaquille O'Neal is there to meet it. Corner from Shaquille O'Neal, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears!

Batman lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Short pass from the scientist to Batman, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Batman floats it into the gap for Spider-Man, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Mario launches a long ball for Spider-Man, but he's well offside. Defence did well.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Batman, you have barely touched the ball. Spider-Man, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Roommates on away trips confirm Spider-Man sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 28, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' And we are back underway! Deadpool jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

One touch football: Luigi to Hulk, faster than the opposition can think. The scientist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Great overlap from Hulk down the flank, pinpoint cross for Spider-Man in the area. This is the moment. Poor cross from the superhero, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

The plumber floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Cross from Shaquille O'Neal, header from Spider-Man and... it is over! He should have done better there. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Hulk launches it to Mario on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Header lost by Batman, the opponent took the elevator while Batman stayed on the ground floor. The messiah parries it into the middle, scramble in the box. In that position, you are paid to either catch it or clear it, not gift balls to the attackers. Mario clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

GOAAAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Corner from Mario and a header from James Bond but it goes over! He had to hit the target there. Usain Bolt hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Luigi opens up to Deadpool on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Shaquille O'Neal thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Raking ball from the farmer to Spider-Man, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Free kick from Mario to the near post, Batman gets a flick on it. The superhero rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The superhero fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. The free kick is worked short, Batman sets up Hulk who finds himself in a good position.

Defeat. Deadpool sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Jesus Christ comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

Little shift from Batman to Hulk, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Hulk reaches the byline and pulls it back for James Bond, the low ball fizzes through the area. GOOOAL from the 00 agent! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Batman legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. James Bond tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

It's there! México No-Era-Penal hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Jesus Christ is at the centre, lifted up by Goku and Jesus Christ, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. México No-Era-Penal's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. What a MISSILE from Deadpool! The strike is so powerful the keeper had no time to dive. GOAL!

Deadpool weaves through México No-Era-Penal's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Mario screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The superhero goes for the short corner to Spider-Man, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. The superhero slides a perfect cut-back for James Bond in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. James Bond has the NOSE of a great striker: being where it matters. On the cross from Deadpool, he prods, GOAL!

Batman and Goku do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Jesus Christ arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Jesus Christ catapults the ball towards Deadpool from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The mercenary intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Good ball from the mercenary to Hulk, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Hulk beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Hulk reaches the byline and cuts it back for Deadpool arriving from the second wave.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Shaquille O'Neal, you have been outstanding. Hulk, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Jesus Christ once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 2019-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Here come the lads. Spider-Man jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Inch-perfect cross from Spider-Man, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Deadpool at the back post. The mercenary hits it on the volley and sends it over. In that position, attempting that is what makes football beautiful, the next one's going in. Long ball from Jesus Christ for Mario who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Goku looks up and launches a long pass towards Hulk. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Hulk springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Batman! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

Corner from Batman and Goku rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. Massive clearance from Usain Bolt, just get the ball as far away as possible. Luigi is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Goku launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Solo run from Luigi, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Dangerous play from Luigi! He's left the ground and caught the attacker high. That's reckless. The plumber picks up a caution for a high boot. He needs to keep his discipline from that spot. Luigi shapes to shoot but plays it short to Spider-Man, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Oh no, México No-Era-Penal have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Free kick to the opponents. Usain Bolt caught his man with a stray leg. Free kick from Usain Bolt goes high and handsome, over the bar and out for a goal kick.

Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. Foul given against Usain Bolt, he went through the back of the opponent. Usain Bolt's free kick is stopped by the wall. The defenders jumped well. Corner from Mario and it's pure MAYHEM in the six-yard box! The defense just about survives!

That is a statement result! Hulk stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Batman joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. México No-Era-Penal won't forget this one. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

The superhero plays it short to Goku, slowing the tempo. In that position, playing the corner with brains rather than brute force is priceless. Goku pulls it back along the ground for Spider-Man, that is the perfect cut-back! Spider-Man read the trajectory of the cross from Batman perfectly! Tap-in from 4 yards, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

The 00 agent plays it simple to Shaquille O'Neal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Brilliant switch of play from Goku! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Deadpool.

The messiah throws it out to Hulk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Hulk loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. Jesus Christ gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. Lovely use of the ball by Batman, finding Spider-Man in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Spider-Man lofts a cross into the box, Mario is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Mario gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one. James Bond lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Mario plays off Deadpool, the return arrives right down the middle and Mario is free as a bird. The overlap from Mario, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Mario clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Mario plays the free kick short to Hulk, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Jesus Christ winces. Mario looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. A former teammate has revealed that Deadpool once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 180, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Shaquille O'Neal trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. Magnificent shift from Shaquille O'Neal! Mario picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Mario slides the ball along the ground for Hulk, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. The scientist fires but a defender dives in and blocks. In that position, keep shooting, the next one will get through.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Ball in behind from the superhero, Hulk is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Flag raised against the scientist. Luigi's ball was good but the timing was off.

Mario puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Mario beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Shot from the plumber, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close.

Mario puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Luigi comes steaming in. The messiah climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. The plumber finds Goku along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Goku opens up the space for Hulk with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Hulk flagged offside on the pass from Luigi, but you'd need VAR to see that!

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Jesus Christ weaves through Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Goku screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Goku plays the give-and-go with Deadpool, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Burst of speed from the farmer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Silly ball loss from Goku, the dribble was one too many in that area. James Bond senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best.

Stalemate at home. Jesus Christ and Goku embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Spider-Man holds it up and plays to Luigi on the short corner, patient build-up to disrupt the defensive shape. Luigi gets down the left and pulls it back low, Spider-Man is stationed on the penalty spot. The superhero prods home the cross from Deadpool from 4 yards! GOAL! In that position, that positional sense is pure gold.

Clinical interception from James Bond, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. James Bond decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. What composure from James Bond! On the pass from Usain Bolt, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

James Bond does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Usain Bolt launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Jesus Christ arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The corner from Spider-Man is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Deadpool accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! The mercenary pulls it back along the ground for Luigi. The low cut-back is his trademark. Deflected shot from the plumber, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect.

Batman tries to dribble past his marker but the ball escapes him. The defender pounces. Fingertip save from Jesus Christ! The ball goes over the crossbar, the keeper has produced the ULTIMATE stop. Well-taken corner from the superhero but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others.

They suffocate the first pass, the opposition goes long and loses it. Usain Bolt mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Usain Bolt sees yellow for persistent infringement. He pushed the referee too far. Usain Bolt lays it off to Mario from the free kick, little one-two to get around the wall. Mario lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Luigi is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Spider-Man and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. Now this is class — James Bond once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 28 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' Shaquille O'Neal is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

And it's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Perfect back flip from Jesus Christ right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Usain Bolt tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Jesus Christ has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Short distribution from Jesus Christ to Batman, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The superhero lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Shocker from the film producer on that tackle, completely misread the situation. In that role, taking that gamble can really hurt you. The messiah parries it weakly and the ball is loose in the box. In that position, that lack of cleanliness in the gloves puts the whole team in danger. Batman boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Decisive interception from the farmer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Goku plays the simple ball to Usain Bolt, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Usain Bolt flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Usain Bolt slips Hulk in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Superb tackle from the film producer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The film producer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The mercenary reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The mercenary finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Usain Bolt clean through. Pure genius from that position. Usain Bolt goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all.

The farmer plays it simple to Usain Bolt, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Step-overs from Usain Bolt, the defender has lost the ball completely. LOOONG range effort from Usain Bolt! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner. Usain Bolt sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Authoritative clearance from James Bond in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Job done. Shaquille O'Neal and James Bond stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Dakar Teranga FC's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Magnificent reading of the game from Hulk, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. BOOOM Usain Bolt UNLEASHES a powerful strike! The keeper was on the line but it scorched his gloves. GOAL!

Hulk legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Shaquille O'Neal tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Tremendous work from Usain Bolt who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Usain Bolt drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. Usain Bolt does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Usain Bolt is at the centre, lifted up by Batman and Jesus Christ, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Douala Makossa-Corner's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

It's in! Douala Makossa-Corner take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Jesus Christ opts for the short option to Usain Bolt, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Usain Bolt goes crossfield to Spider-Man, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Brilliant opening from Spider-Man for Luigi, frees up the entire left flank. Low cut-back from the plumber for Shaquille O'Neal. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Crucial intervention from the film producer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

The free kick from Luigi sails across the entire box, Spider-Man is at the back post waiting. The superhero heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it.

Jesus Christ sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Hulk sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Jesus Christ nods but does not look up. Reports suggest that Mario once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 28 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' Here come the lads. Hulk jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

The plumber plays it simple to Deadpool, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The plumber switches the play to Batman, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Goku absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. James Bond is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while James Bond was barely on his way up. Lovely take from Jesus Christ! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. The messiah finds Spider-Man with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Spider-Man wins the header and flicks it on for Luigi. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs.

Instinctive clearance from Goku who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face.

And that's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Jesus Christ strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Usain Bolt points at it, jaw on the floor. Jesus Christ shakes his head, not believing it.

Long kick from Jesus Christ, Usain Bolt positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Usain Bolt reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Ball over the top from Deadpool, Hulk had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. The scientist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Fantastic high recovery from Batman, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. The superhero spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Luigi. That is exactly why he is out there. Big strike from the plumber, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Shaquille O'Neal drops a lofted ball to Goku, it sails over the entire midfield line. The farmer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Header from Goku, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

Level at the final whistle. Mario and Jesus Christ walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

The superhero bends the ball into the box for Shaquille O'Neal. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. INSANE GOAL! Shaquille O'Neal produces a LEGENDARY overhead kick on the cross from Usain Bolt! The ball flies like a BULLET into the top corner, the keeper did not MOVE! That is the greatest goal we have SEEN here!

Luigi hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Luigi sends a lobbed cross over the defenders, Usain Bolt arrives at full tilt in behind. GOOOOAL! Usain Bolt meets the cross from Luigi with his head and sends the ball into the top corner! What a spectacle!

Nightmare! Lagos No-Carry-Last score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Jesus Christ dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Deadpool can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Jesus Christ claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Usain Bolt beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Reckless tackle from Usain Bolt, dives in half-heartedly and the attacker hops right over. Amateur stuff. The plumber takes the red as the last man. For a player in that role, it's the ultimate professional foul.

Good ball from the 00 agent to Goku, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. BLOCKED from Goku! The defender threw his body at it and the ball ricocheted away. The corner from James Bond is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Enormous clearance from Luigi inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Shaquille O'Neal. And you, Jesus Christ. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Dressing room sources reveal Batman can play the recorder with terrifying proficiency. The 28-year-old whips out Three Blind Mice before every away match — the coach has tried and failed to ban it. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Hulk knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Absolutely dreadful! Lagos No-Carry-Last score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Jesus Christ fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Luigi plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Hulk with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Hulk sends Spider-Man into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Spider-Man unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Massive punt from Jesus Christ, sends the ball sixty yards, Mario is scrapping for it up top. Mario spots Shaquille O'Neal in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Shaquille O'Neal sets it for Luigi, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Luigi gifts Usain Bolt a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

The team cranks up the pressure, their midfielder gives it straight back. Awful pass from James Bond, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Brilliant tackle from Luigi! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Raid from Luigi starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Luigi strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post.

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Just wide! Luigi struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Jesus Christ plays out from the back with Mario, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Mario absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition.

Hulk cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Mario takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Floated cross from Mario off the right, Goku has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Absolute peach from Deadpool, threading it through for Spider-Man, the centre-halves are done for! The superhero is caught offside from Luigi's through ball. Flag goes up. Goku scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

A draw. Batman claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Shaquille O'Neal tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

The plumber bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. PENALTY for the plumber! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. GOOOOOAL! Mario winds up and fires top corner, the keeper was rooted. PENALTY CONVERTED!

Solidarity move: Mario grabs Shaquille O'Neal who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Shaquille O'Neal a standing ovation right through to the restart.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Jesus Christ ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. James Bond leaps over him. Jesus Christ walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Intense pressing from the mercenary, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. Deadpool decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. GOAL with a lob from the mercenary! In that position, having the AWARENESS to spot the keeper off his line and the composure to chip it over, that is what makes great players. MASTERFUL.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Hulk never gives up, tracks all the way back and cuts out the killer pass. Huge mentality. Hulk throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is.

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Jesus Christ mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Spider-Man plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Jesus Christ plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. James Bond, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. A scouting report from Batman's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 28 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Hulk high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. Good cross from the superhero for James Bond in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

Luigi floats his free kick into the area, Mario is there for the header. OHHH the header from the plumber goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

The film producer puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. That's a leg-breaker from Shaquille O'Neal! He's come in like a freight train on the attacker. What on earth is Shaquille O'Neal doing?! He's just elbowed the opponent in the face. He's off! Shaquille O'Neal lines up his free kick but the wall blocks everything. Frustrating.

Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Foul by the 00 agent, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. James Bond takes his free kick and the wall does its job. Blocked, no worries. SCRAMBLE after the plumber's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference.

The superhero lays it off first time to Spider-Man, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Spider-Man feeds Mario in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. It falls apart for Mario, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Goku goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet.

Massive clearance from the farmer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. The scientist lays it off first time to Goku, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The farmer does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. The farmer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

They've scored again! Barranquilla Toque-Toque are running riot and we can't cope.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Jesus Christ, arms out like an aeroplane. James Bond follows in like he's skiing. Jesus Christ arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Incredible burst of pace from Spider-Man, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Spider-Man is brought down in the box! The referee blows and points to the penalty SPOT! The defender protests but the referee is UNMOVED. ABSOLUTE moment of truth! The referee raises his finger, listening to VAR. Time has stopped inside this ground. Spider-Man went down, but VAR confirms: no penalty! Jesus Christ sparks the transition with a quick throw to Usain Bolt, the break is lightning fast.

Lost it. Deadpool kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Luigi hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Sublime through ball from Usain Bolt for James Bond who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. What a GOAL from James Bond! On the cross from Spider-Man, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Usain Bolt weaves through Montevideo Garra-Charrúa's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. James Bond screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Elastico from the superhero, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. Batman picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Batman gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Hulk.

It was bound to happen. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and honestly, we deserved that.

They push, they push, but the backline is holding firm for now. Everything on the line, Jesus Christ is up, nothing to lose now. Hulk wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Short pass from the scientist to Usain Bolt, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Short pass from the superhero to Deadpool, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The mercenary lays it off first time to Usain Bolt, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Lazy pass from Usain Bolt, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Goku shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

The gaffer pulls up Montevideo Garra-Charrúa's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Usain Bolt, you have the pace. Luigi, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Quite remarkable — Usain Bolt got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 40 years old. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Spider-Man picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Switch from Goku! The ball arcs over the midfield and Batman collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Batman bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Spider-Man wins the aerial battle. Jesus Christ comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Blistering solo run from Batman, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. OHHH Batman strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Short restart from the messiah to Luigi, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The plumber dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Hulk. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Offside. Hulk was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when Shaquille O'Neal passed. Short restart from Jesus Christ to Luigi, building from the back nice and tidy. Luigi fires the ball over to Usain Bolt with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

The corner from Spider-Man comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Usain Bolt boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The 00 agent opens up to Spider-Man on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Spider-Man gives it to Mario into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. High recovery from Mario after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him.

The farmer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Goku shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Mario. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The plumber is caught offside by millimetres on Shaquille O'Neal's pass, what a cruel call.

Shaquille O'Neal boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The messiah goes long for Deadpool, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Enormous leap from the mercenary who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Lifesaving clearance from Deadpool! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

Level score. Jesus Christ screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Goku boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Deadpool picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! The referee awards a penalty for the mercenary! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. Powerful penalty from Deadpool, the keeper dived the right way but it was too strong.

Deadpool mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Usain Bolt raises Deadpool's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Jesus Christ plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

They've nicked a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío catch us cold on the break.

This is money time, knees knocking but hearts pumping. Jesus Christ, a messiah on weekdays, abandons his goal to have a go at it. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Usain Bolt! On the gift from Luigi, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Jesus Christ. Batman is on his knees clapping, Jesus Christ is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Short build-up from Shaquille O'Neal to Goku, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Goku threads a ball into the void for Deadpool, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Deadpool fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Usain Bolt throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Usain Bolt delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away!

Oh what a challenge! James Bond goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. CRAAACKER from Mario outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

Jesus Christ is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Jesus Christ: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A source close to the squad tells us that Mario has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 150, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' And they are off! Shaquille O'Neal touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

The film producer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The film producer lays it off first time to Batman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Batman delivers a tidy ball to Mario, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The plumber whips in a classic cross for Batman in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Cross blocked from Batman, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending.

Deadpool unleashes a raking ball out to Hulk, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Huge aerial duel won by Hulk, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Powerful run from Hulk down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Hulk plays it back across the box for James Bond, the low cross is inch-perfect. Strike from James Bond that is blocked by a courageous defender. The ball flies out for a corner.

Lob from the superhero over the defensive block for Shaquille O'Neal. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision. Shaquille O'Neal launches into an acrobatic volley, stunning to watch but it flies over. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

What a disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Full moonwalk from Jesus Christ, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Usain Bolt does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Jesus Christ applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Hulk slides a beauty through the gap, Goku is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Offside by a toenail for the farmer, James Bond can't believe the flag went up. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Deadpool links up with Shaquille O'Neal, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The mercenary cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Hulk. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Hulk is called offside and nobody can quite believe it, Usain Bolt's ball was perfection. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Monumental ball from Mario to Luigi, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Luigi takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean.

Honours even. Deadpool finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Shaquille O'Neal walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Usain Bolt takes a run-up and FIIIIRES! It is a 30-yard rocket, the keeper is PETRIFIED!

The scientist finds Usain Bolt along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Usain Bolt clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Usain Bolt picks up a yellow for cumulative offences. The patience well has run dry.

Mario keeps it short to Luigi, no frills, just good football intelligence. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner.

Corner from Mario but it is cleared at the near post by a defender. Luigi launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Spider-Man, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Cut-back along the turf from the superhero for James Bond. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. The 00 agent shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well. Shaquille O'Neal sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post. Jesus Christ takes his time and plays it short to Goku. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Goku stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Rio Malandro FC. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Jesus Christ cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Paparazzi snapped Goku on holiday in Benidorm wearing socks with sandals, a bum bag, and a bucket hat that said 'LADS ON TOUR.' At 180, the 28-year-old was impossible to miss. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' Back on the pitch and Deadpool is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Spider-Man plays the free kick into the danger zone, Mario arrives at the penalty spot. Cross from Mario cleared at the near post by the defence, that is frustrating.

The corner from Mario is headed away by the defence at the near post. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Mario, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Mario powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The plumber loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. Decisive glance from Goku who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception.

Shaquille O'Neal hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Shaquille O'Neal spreads it to James Bond, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Dreadful pass from James Bond, lands three yards away from the target. Hulk can do nothing with that. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision.

Incredible solo charge from the plumber, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. The plumber is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! CRACK! Mario takes the penalty and it strikes the upright. No goal, that's devastating. Beautiful distribution from Jesus Christ to Deadpool, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

The timing is everything: Deadpool releases the ball at the perfect moment and Luigi explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. WHAT A SHAME for Luigi! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Tidy restart from Jesus Christ along the deck to Luigi, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Massive diagonal from Luigi! Hulk receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Hulk takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Level score. Usain Bolt screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Hulk boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-3 (L)

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Jesus Christ climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Goku films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Usain Bolt plays it simple to Shaquille O'Neal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. OOOOH the LONG RANGE strike from Shaquille O'Neal! On the pass from Mario, he unleashes an unstoppable bullet from distance!

Usain Bolt mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Mario does the wave with contortionist grace. Jesus Christ solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Mario sees what nobody else sees and puts Luigi through on goal with a genius through ball. Luigi lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Mario and Hulk do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Jesus Christ arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Free kick played short, Spider-Man to Goku, they bypass the wall with the combination. Goku tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. The scientist reads the movement before anyone else and puts Usain Bolt into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

Clearance from the messiah towards Batman, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The superhero gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. High recovery from Deadpool, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Hulk takes the hit without responding. Deadpool drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Now Jesus Christ has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 180, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' And we are back underway! Shaquille O'Neal jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Jesus Christ rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Deadpool jumps on his back, Jesus Christ is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Jesus Christ boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Luigi! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Luigi explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Free kick conceded by Luigi, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The ref reaches for yellow, Luigi has been pushing his luck with foul after foul.

Jesus Christ plays it along the ground to Spider-Man, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Mario. Pure quality, as per usual. The plumber gets to the byline and floats one in for Hulk. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Oh no, it's in! Istanbul Cehennem FK punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Jesus Christ rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Mario jumps on his back, Jesus Christ is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

James Bond with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! James Bond decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos.

VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. The 00 agent sees his yellow become red after VAR! In this position, a poorly controlled challenge can change everything. James Bond has snapped! He's grabbed the opponent by the throat. The ref has no choice. Red card. The free kick from James Bond is played with a deft touch to Deadpool, well-drilled combination.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Luigi slides the ball into space for Spider-Man, he is away down the middle. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Shaquille O'Neal, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Oh no Shaquille O'Neal fluffs his header! The cross from Mario was inch-perfect but it goes over.

Monster clearance from Jesus Christ, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Hulk. The opponent dominates Hulk in the air with worrying ease. Hulk did not have the tools to compete on that one. What a claim from Jesus Christ! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. Spider-Man finds Mario between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The plumber lays it off first time to James Bond, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Shaquille O'Neal is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Mario sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Deadpool picks out Hulk with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Hulk swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. GOOOOOAL for Hulk! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Deadpool is at the centre, lifted up by Mario and Jesus Christ, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Milano Piano-Piano's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Luigi whips the free kick into the box for Shaquille O'Neal, dangerous delivery! Aerial claim from the messiah, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Jesus Christ sends an absolute rocket towards Batman, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. OHHH the take from Jesus Christ! He climbs above the melee and gathers the ball. Boss stuff. Short restart from the messiah to Batman, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Crossfield pass from Batman to James Bond, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Wasteful from James Bond on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Mario throws his arms up in frustration. Foul by Spider-Man, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. The free kick from Spider-Man clears the defence and finds Mario in the danger area.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Mario is livid, gesturing wildly. Jesus Christ chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." The 28-year-old Hulk has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 180, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Goku is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

The plumber plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Feint from Shaquille O'Neal, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. The film producer finds Mario along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Textbook one-two between Mario and Batman. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football.

The plumber presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Smooth transition from Mario to Usain Bolt, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Usain Bolt gives it to Batman, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal.

Luigi and Batman exchange passes on the corner, looking for the opening for a better cross. Overlap on the left from Batman, floated cross towards Goku who rises highest at the far post. Cross from Goku far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone. Jesus Christ plays it short to Mario, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Mario goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

Diagonal from Deadpool to Spider-Man, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Spider-Man forces a pass to Goku who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Deadpool puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Mario shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. What a CHARGE from Jesus Christ! He smothers the attacker in full flight and smothers the ball. James Bond clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Luigi reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Luigi was quicker.

Pitch-length run from the superhero, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. The superhero gets dispossessed mid-dribble. That is the risk when you try it in that position, sometimes it does not come off. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere.

Level. Shaquille O'Neal picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Mario waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

The mercenary plays it simple to Shaquille O'Neal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nutmeg from the film producer on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. GOOOOAL from the film producer! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Sombrero from the superhero on his marker. When you have got that skill repertoire in that role, you entertain the crowd every single match. Overlap from Batman on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Batman floats a cross in from the wing for James Bond, the ball hangs in the box!

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Goku pings a long diagonal to Luigi, completely shifts the point of attack. Luigi is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. James Bond throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Lay-off from Batman to Usain Bolt, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Usain Bolt gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Usain Bolt has it running through his veins. What a horror show from Usain Bolt! The ball flies into the scenery, the fans are gently taking the mick. Jesus Christ lumps it long towards Usain Bolt, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Luigi, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Luigi opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. Word from the training ground is that Luigi brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 158 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' And they are off! Jesus Christ touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Jesus Christ strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Shaquille O'Neal points at it, jaw on the floor. Jesus Christ shakes his head, not believing it.

Lovely anticipation from the farmer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Short pass from the farmer to Luigi, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Luigi reads the movement from Usain Bolt and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Usain Bolt crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Spider-Man is in the right place. Spider-Man loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump.

The plumber shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Deadpool. Pure quality, as per usual. Underhit ball from Deadpool, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. Superb tackle from the 00 agent, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Great vision from James Bond who switches to Mario. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The plumber whips in a classic cross for Batman in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Short free kick from the plumber, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. Good ball from the scientist to Usain Bolt, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Good ball from James Bond to Spider-Man, playing it quick between the lines. Spider-Man starts the one-two with Shaquille O'Neal, the ball comes back in stride and it is done. Two touches, three yards gained. The offside trap works a treat, Spider-Man is caught out as Usain Bolt plays the ball forward. Jesus Christ rolls it short to Mario into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Mario intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

The mercenary spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Shaquille O'Neal. That is exactly why he is out there. The messiah dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. Jesus Christ goes long for Shaquille O'Neal, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Loss against Sevilla Olé-Olé and it stings. Shaquille O'Neal still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Spider-Man follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Batman charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Brilliant pass from Batman! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Mario is onto it. Mario winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Batman, arms out like an aeroplane. Mario follows in like he's skiing. Jesus Christ arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Luigi unleashes one that smashes off the bar and bounces out! The keeper hadn't moved! The messiah goes long for Deadpool, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Shaquille O'Neal gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Interception from Shaquille O'Neal who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Shaquille O'Neal. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Shaquille O'Neal to Usain Bolt, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Jesus Christ distributes by hand to Shaquille O'Neal on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Decisive interception from the film producer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

Corner from Luigi into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Massive clearance from Batman in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Hulk sends an aerial beauty to Shaquille O'Neal, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Mario, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Mario takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. A train mix-up saw Batman end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 28-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' Jesus Christ leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Oh that's terrible! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Jesus Christ fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Shaquille O'Neal plays the medic running in. Jesus Christ plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The corner from the plumber is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. SHOOOOT from the superhero! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

The 00 agent positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. James Bond rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Shaquille O'Neal. The far side is completely deserted. The attacker crushes Shaquille O'Neal in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Shaquille O'Neal was helpless. OHHH the save from Jesus Christ! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY.

Brilliant interception from James Bond, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Spider-Man tries to open it up for Luigi but the timing is miles off. Possession lost.

Decisive interception from the scientist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Wide from the superhero! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. The mercenary has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

Driven kick from Jesus Christ to Usain Bolt, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Stunning tackle by Usain Bolt in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. James Bond sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Goku is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Goku sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

Honours even. Usain Bolt swaps shirts with one of the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Hulk, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

Mario sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Mario has it in buckets. Mario drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Shaquille O'Neal read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Poacher's goal from Shaquille O'Neal! The keeper spilled it and Shaquille O'Neal prods the ball into the net.

Mario spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Usain Bolt gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

James Bond bursts into the box and is SCYTHED down by the defender! Penalty! The referee is categorical. The whole bench is on its FEET, the atmosphere is ELECTRIC! The 00 agent sees his penalty come back off the post! In that position, when fate conspires like that, it's DEVASTATING. Luigi is on the prowl for the rebound and prods it in from two yards, pure poacher.

Oh it's gone in! London Three-Pints find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Monster press from Usain Bolt! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Quick exchange between Usain Bolt and James Bond, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Luigi stares at the carnage. Batman swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that Mario has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' Spider-Man is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The superhero whips in a classic cross for Luigi in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. MAGNIFICENT volley attempt from Luigi! The technique is a 10/10 but the ball's trajectory is a 3/10. Jesus Christ smashes a volley towards Hulk, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Oh dear, London Three-Pints have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Jesus Christ. Usain Bolt is on his knees clapping, Jesus Christ is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Jesus Christ hoofs it forward towards James Bond, clearance mode, no time to mess about. James Bond pings a ridiculous diagonal to Goku. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Magnificent leap from Goku who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. James Bond hits the afterburners to get back, catches the attacker, and nicks the ball off him. Pure desire. RUSH OUT from Jesus Christ! He charges at the opponent and smothers the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority.

Shaquille O'Neal with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. The plumber has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Short corner from the plumber to Mario, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. Mario clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Spider-Man gets across the near post first. The cross from Spider-Man is overhit, the keeper collects comfortably in his area. The messiah finds Mario with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Aerial duel won by the plumber, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

The film producer opens up to James Bond on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The 00 agent misplaces his pass to Batman, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Trip by Luigi, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Luigi picks up a booking for a horrible late tackle. No complaints there.

Luigi switches the play to James Bond on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Driven cross from James Bond into the box, Shaquille O'Neal arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. SAAAAVED by Jesus Christ! The strike was arrowing into the top corner and he pushes it wide. What a keeper! Batman tries the downward header on the corner from Luigi but it goes wide. Wrong angle.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Deadpool stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Mario walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. London Three-Pints are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.