My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: King Von. Profession? Rapper. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with their hot mic, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the fiery bars could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
84-129 (L)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Michael Jordan, this giant, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!
Robert Wadlow botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Homer Simpson can't contain the drive! Cultivating the stubborn soil is more containable!
Robert Wadlow mutters to himself walking back! This guy everybody knows fighting inner demons!
End of the first act. Robert Wadlow is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Exclusive info: Robert Wadlow is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Robert Wadlow posts up and fires but misses everything! Tendency to rush tonight!
Barack Obama looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a community organizer relieved of their bullhorn!
Michael Jordan with the lazy pass! Hot head leading to easy points!
This headliner Robert Wadlow fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
Michael Jordan, this titan, hangs the head. Tough loss despite night-in night-out consistency effort.
Homer Simpson stares at the floor while Barack Obama mutters something inaudible under his breath. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-111 (L)
Robert Wadlow takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Homer Simpson misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the stubborn soil!
King Von with the backcourt violation! A rapper going backwards with the fiery bars!
Michael Jordan gets caught flat-footed! This certified GOAT candidate beaten to the spot!
The technical flair of Barack Obama recalls their community organizer days. A pull-up jumper! Sublime!
The players disappear. Homer Simpson has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little secret: Homer Simpson listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Homer Simpson looks to the heavens! A farmer praying for the seed dibber to work!
A reverse layup attempt by Michael Jordan falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Michael Jordan sets the screen at the perfect angle! This all-time great cerebral play!
Robert Wadlow powers through! The circus performer in them won't quit on the game!
Barack Obama refuses to make excuses! A community organizer owns the neighborhood failures too!
King Von bites the inside of his cheek. Barack Obama pinches the bridge of his nose. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-126 (L)
Barack Obama lands the first half-court heave! First blood! The community organizer strikes first!
King Von rattles it out! Shaking the field house with their hot mic intensity!
Barack Obama fades away the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this generational talent!
Robert Wadlow overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
Robert Wadlow, this oversized freak, uses strength and skill for a catch-and-shoot triple! Complete player!
The players leave the court. King Von clings to the tunnel railing. True story: King Von had his parking spot stolen by Orlando Magic-Beans's mascot. Still talks about it. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Barack Obama stares in disbelief! The look of a community organizer who just lost everything!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
King Von spins with purpose every possession! This legit talent chess master!
Robert Wadlow misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
This household name Michael Jordan tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Homer Simpson presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Michael Jordan walks right past without noticing. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
95-119 (L)
Homer Simpson bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Barack Obama with the ugly miss! The community organizer touch is absent tonight!
Michael Jordan charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
Robert Wadlow tallies another one! This circus performer keeps racking them up!
That's a cut. Homer Simpson stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know? Homer Simpson has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Homer Simpson argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to cultivating the stubborn soil!
Robert Wadlow misfires on the floater! Too much float, the circus performer touch abandoned them!
King Von, this low-to-the-ground speedster, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Michael Jordan blows past but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Homer Simpson hangs their head! A farmer who gave everything they had!
Robert Wadlow is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Michael Jordan waits at the tunnel entrance. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-130 (L)
Homer Simpson stretches center court! Loosening up, the farmer is getting ready!
Barack Obama misses the layup! Even the neighborhood would have gone in easier!
Barack Obama dribbles it off their foot! Their bullhorn would never betray a community organizer like that!
Homer Simpson lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this guy with rings on every finger fooled!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan throws an elbow in frustration! Hot head on full display!
End of the first act. Homer Simpson is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Juicy intel: Homer Simpson turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
A buzzer-beater by Barack Obama at the top of the key is way off! Tough night for this household name!
Robert Wadlow misses from fatigue! This jersey-selling name can't get the elevation at half court!
Robert Wadlow dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the circus performer's finest moment!
King Von drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
King Von takes the loss hard! Hard as the fiery bars on a bad rapper day!
Barack Obama isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Homer Simpson tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-122 (L)
Michael Jordan, this titan, is introduced and the arena explodes! This first-ballot legend is in the building!
King Von, this pocket rocket, can't get a double-clutch layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
King Von, this compact dynamo, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
Homer Simpson can't stay in front! Cultivating the stubborn soil doesn't build lateral quickness!
Barack Obama fires away the rock with a gym-rat work ethic. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Break! Robert Wadlow rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. The staff told me Robert Wadlow sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
King Von throws their hands up! Like a rapper when their hot mic breaks!
King Von misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the Wilson!
Robert Wadlow reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this circus performer!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, laboring up and down! Occasional mental lapses draining the energy!
Homer Simpson walks off in silence. This once-in-a-lifetime player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
King Von lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Homer Simpson decides not to comment. Tonight I had a revelation: Homer Simpson runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
105-119 (L)
King Von, this respected competitor, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Robert Wadlow launches from deep and misses! A circus performer's range doesn't apply here!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, gets stripped along the baseline! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan bites on the fake! Beaten from downtown!
Michael Jordan with another two-handed slam! You can't stop this man!
Into the tunnel. Barack Obama grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Juicy anecdote: Barack Obama was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
King Von, this little guy, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
A pull-up jumper from Michael Jordan hits the iron! Limited stamina under the spotlight!
This world-class player Robert Wadlow sets the back screen! A killer instinct off-ball contribution!
Homer Simpson is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the farmer is spent!
This name that's buzzing King Von stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this name that's buzzing wanted.
Homer Simpson presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Robert Wadlow walks right past without noticing. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
92-123 (L)
Homer Simpson gets the starting nod! A farmer starting with the seed dibber confidence!
This all-time great Barack Obama whiffs on a fadeaway jumper! The crowd groans!
This reliable star Robert Wadlow with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This global icon Homer Simpson gives up the offensive rebound! Sometimes predictable game when boxing out!
Robert Wadlow scores with insane court vision. A pull-up jumper from mid-range! Too smooth!
Halftime whistle. King Von spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know King Von started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
King Von walks away muttering! Muttering about the fiery bars under their breath!
Robert Wadlow, this tower, wastes a golden chance with a wild fadeaway jumper!
Homer Simpson manages the clock! Time management of a farmer who never misses a deadline!
This solid pro King Von can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Robert Wadlow drives past the media. This elite player not in the mood to talk.
Barack Obama pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Robert Wadlow takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-125 (L)
This bonafide star Robert Wadlow opens the scoring! An and-one! Early advantage!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Stolen from Homer Simpson! A farmer who let it slip through their fingers!
Robert Wadlow fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a circus performer chasing the game!
Barack Obama glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this community organizer!
The players disappear. Homer Simpson has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Homer Simpson got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Barack Obama launches but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
King Von gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a rapper begging the fiery bars for mercy!
King Von throws it into the stands! What was that from this next-level player!
King Von mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
King Von steps back to the tunnel in disappointment. This hooper's hooper will learn from this.
Robert Wadlow kicks his towel across the floor. Barack Obama has already left for the locker room, alone. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
94-110 (L)
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, sets the tone immediately! A gym-rat work ethic from the jump!
Homer Simpson misses the open look! This potential GOAT can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Barack Obama with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost community organizer!
King Von turns the head and loses the man! This legit talent napping defensively!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan does it again! A buzzer beater with effortless precision!
Halftime. Barack Obama throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little scoop: Barack Obama tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
King Von vents at their teammates! The rapper who vents about the fiery bars!
Brick! Robert Wadlow misfires at the top of the key! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Robert Wadlow finds the angle! The angle circus performer uses for the game!
Barack Obama stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a community organizer over the neighborhood!
Barack Obama looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a community organizer!
Michael Jordan sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Robert Wadlow has his head in his hands. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
81-111 (L)
Homer Simpson locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a farmer who means business!
King Von, this player on the come-up, comes up empty! A catch-and-shoot triple off target at half court!
King Von with the careless pass! Spitting the fiery bars with more care, please!
Robert Wadlow, this tower, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
This jersey-selling name Robert Wadlow slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break! Barack Obama rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Barack Obama talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
This established star Robert Wadlow misses the mark! A euro-step goes begging along the baseline!
King Von grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their hot mic in the workshop!
Michael Jordan rises up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Homer Simpson pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The farmer in them is showing!
Homer Simpson sits alone on the bench. This global icon processing the defeat.
Barack Obama taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. King Von walks through the door without pushing it. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-124 (L)
Homer Simpson steps onto the gym! From cultivating the stubborn soil to this, game time!
Robert Wadlow takes a tough alley-oop and it doesn't go! Defense that's basically a suggestion in shot selection!
King Von loses the pill! A rapper would never be this careless!
This franchise guy Robert Wadlow caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Barack Obama, this solid build, waves off the play call! Tendency to rush hurting the team!
The locker room. King Von sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: King Von lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Homer Simpson, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
This big-name player Robert Wadlow calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Occasional mental lapses taking its toll!
Barack Obama gets picked! A community organizer getting the neighborhood stolen in broad daylight!
Homer Simpson, this once-in-a-lifetime player, yells at the coaching staff! Occasional mental lapses causing friction!
This dude putting the league on notice King Von leaves the gymnasium with head held high. Fought to the end.
Barack Obama's complexion is grey. King Von's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
74-118 (L)
This established star Robert Wadlow means business! Fast start at half court!
Homer Simpson misfires! The farmer's precision with the stubborn soil is nowhere to be found!
Homer Simpson with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the stubborn soil!
This hooper's hooper King Von commits the and-one foul! Hot head in positioning!
Barack Obama waves off the play! The authority of a community organizer in that gesture!
End of the first act. King Von is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? King Von has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Homer Simpson dishes but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
This undisputed superstar Barack Obama has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Robert Wadlow, this 7-footer, commits the travel! Tendency to force bad shots in the footwork!
Homer Simpson, this all-time great, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Michael Jordan reflects on what could have been. Ego the size of Texas the difference tonight.
Barack Obama scratches the back of his neck nervously. Michael Jordan has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-114 (L)
Barack Obama sets the tone early! The community organizer came to play tonight!
Barack Obama can't finish! The community organizer who finishes the neighborhood can't finish the play!
Robert Wadlow, this mammoth, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the rock!
Homer Simpson beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the stubborn soil slipping from a farmer!
Michael Jordan goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This hall-of-fame lock losing composure!
Halftime. King Von's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: King Von threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Barack Obama pulls up the Spalding awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this household name!
Homer Simpson drives a step slower than usual! Tendency to force bad shots in the tank!
King Von forces the pass! Forcing their hot mic where it doesn't fit!
Barack Obama shakes their head! A community organizer who can't believe that just happened!
Barack Obama wipes a tear! A community organizer who poured everything into the effort!
Barack Obama clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Homer Simpson fidgets with his wristband nervously. I learned that Barack Obama's father was a community organizer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-123 (L)
Homer Simpson takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this all-time great!
Barack Obama off the back iron! Hard miss, even a community organizer cringes at that!
Barack Obama attacks into a dead end in the paint! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
Michael Jordan gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
King Von picks up the second technical! This up-and-coming baller ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
That's a wrap for now. Michael Jordan dives into the tunnel. Juicy intel: Michael Jordan turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Robert Wadlow clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
King Von calls for the sub! Even a rapper's stamina with their hot mic has limits!
Barack Obama coughs it up! A community organizer's grip doesn't work on the ball!
Robert Wadlow sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a circus performer after a long shift!
Michael Jordan had the chances but couldn't convert. This global icon left wanting.
Robert Wadlow is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Homer Simpson waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season journal
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