My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

73-118 (L)

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Clean feed from Duke Dennis, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH the separation! IShowSpeed just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Off the back iron for IShowSpeed, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

One hard step and IShowSpeed owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! IShowSpeed rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Chest bump so violent that IShowSpeed and FlightReacts both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. FlightReacts shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. Hands like that on the rapper? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Back in the locker room, IShowSpeed sits down and stares at the ceiling. They say IShowSpeed has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Duke Dennis is COOKING and he knows it, he wants every single touch right now! The youtuber hit three straight and immediately decided he was allowed to shoot from the tunnel. He was not.

The rapper makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. They do not teach that in the rapper handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Wide open at the top of the key and Goku cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch the change of pace from Duke Dennis, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the youtuber baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Duke Dennis stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Duke Dennis launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Push the pace! FlightReacts grabs it and hits Duke Dennis in stride before the defense can even match up. Baseline spin from Duke Dennis at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Duke Dennis went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Technical on the youtuber! He argues with people all day at work and loses those too, only this one costs a free throw. SLAMMED into the hardwood after the no-call, and that is the second tech on Duke Dennis. Thanks for coming.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the youtuber. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Goku an easy read to Jake Lacy in the pocket. Chess.

Hands out, palms up, Jake Lacy shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. IShowSpeed is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Duke Dennis walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Jake Lacy drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

98-119 (L)

That is the second personal charged to Jake Lacy and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Three fouls on the movie actor/actress before halftime. He clocks in, he throws two elbows, he clocks right back out.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: FlightReacts controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Watch the sell from IShowSpeed here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Oh my. IShowSpeed did not even draw iron.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from FlightReacts, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Buzzer on the shot clock, FlightReacts heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at FlightReacts the moment he crosses half court. FlightReacts rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Into the tunnel. Jake Lacy grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Bus driver's confession: Jake Lacy raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Flop! To win a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book, text HOOPS to 555-0983 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

The rapper turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. OH NO. FlightReacts launched from WAY downtown and the closeout took his landing spot. Three free throws.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and FlightReacts threw it before the help even committed. FlightReacts just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Duke Dennis half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Duke Dennis punishes it with a read most guys never even see. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching FlightReacts do that to one of their own.

Over the top of everybody. IShowSpeed to Duke Dennis in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Full stop, full sprint, and the youtuber is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The youtuber gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Nobody is touching the paint with the rapper parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. Hustle does not check your job title: the youtuber tips it away and the possession is ours.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Duke Dennis gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because FlightReacts saw it a beat early. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Duke Dennis, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Duke Dennis, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The youtuber misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something. The movie actor/actress outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. The movie actor/actress just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Jake Lacy keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Duke Dennis sits on the floor in the hallway. Jake Lacy sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Flop! Roberta Yoakum of Cedar Stump, Vermont, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The answer was of course eighty gallons, and only nine people will admit to buying any. Roberta therefore wins a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

87-124 (L)

The farmer just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Duke Dennis kicks it over to IShowSpeed, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The rapper pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the movie actor/actress, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The rapper puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living. Six fouls and the rapper is done. Nobody in that trade ever learned to move their feet, but my word, he tried tonight.

Two defenders, one gap, and Duke Dennis finds it. Onions on that pass. In, around, and gone. The iron gives IShowSpeed nothing.

Rest. FlightReacts buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know FlightReacts keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Goku just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! FlightReacts was at the other free throw line when that break started!

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, IShowSpeed and Jake Lacy just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, IShowSpeed fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

The extra pass! Duke Dennis had the look, gave it up anyway, and IShowSpeed buries it. BANG! Two defenders in the lane, IShowSpeed splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

IShowSpeed crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. FlightReacts mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Set called, IShowSpeed waved out to the corner, and FlightReacts watches the spacing open up like a front door. The rapper reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the rapper! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and FlightReacts drops it off to Duke Dennis on time and on target. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Duke Dennis kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The rapper just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! OHHHH that is SILKY! FlightReacts with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

FlightReacts pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Duke Dennis mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the spacing there, IShowSpeed hits FlightReacts right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. A single dribble is all FlightReacts needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Perfect drop-off from IShowSpeed, and FlightReacts answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Duke Dennis bites his lip, fists clenched. FlightReacts shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

76-120 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Duke Dennis has known that all night long. Look how low Jake Lacy keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. The movie actor/actress launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Look at the shoulders on the youtuber. Everybody has a rough shift at work, but most people do not have twenty thousand witnesses. Whistle, red light, nothing to show for it. Goku hands it over.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Two alpha scorers refusing to look away from each other, and Duke Dennis is the reason this game has stayed at this altitude all night.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Duke Dennis walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Duke Dennis was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but Nobody Speaks! To win a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it, text HOOPS to 555-0241 and answer this question: 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The rapper just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Look at FlightReacts mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Duke Dennis launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. IShowSpeed feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Somebody check that job title again: the rapper hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

IShowSpeed splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the rapper is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Swing, swing, and FlightReacts finds Jake Lacy on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Jake Lacy comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Jake Lacy rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

A cut with that timing from the rapper? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The big man never even contested it, and IShowSpeed still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

The help defender committed way too early, and FlightReacts made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Missed layup for the rapper and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at IShowSpeed, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the youtuber and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Duke Dennis uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Goku stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

FlightReacts looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Duke Dennis looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but Nobody Speaks! Clovis Whittenberg of Number Nine Curve, New York, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The answer was of course three, after which you simply live with it open. Clovis takes home a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

89-132 (L)

Baseline wide open. IShowSpeed said thank you. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and IShowSpeed has earned every second of that reaction.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The farmer just took a charge from a man twice his size and got up smiling. Absolute lunatic behavior, and we love it!

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The beauty of it is that FlightReacts never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Duke Dennis stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Duke Dennis points at IShowSpeed first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at IShowSpeed again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. IShowSpeed waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

The players disappear. FlightReacts has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: FlightReacts refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Sale of the Half Century! To win a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English, text HOOPS to 555-0673 and answer this question: 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Down screen, and IShowSpeed curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and IShowSpeed has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

IShowSpeed climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Duke Dennis refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Iso for the rapper, and after the shift that man put in today, the defender is the one I feel sorry for. Offensive foul on the rapper. He gets through an entire work week without a single collision and then does THIS on a basketball floor.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Total control. FlightReacts has this thing on a string. OHHHH the hesi! IShowSpeed froze him solid and he is already gone! Jake Lacy threads a BEAUTY to IShowSpeed under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, FlightReacts gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. That is a dime from IShowSpeed that deserved so much better, and FlightReacts knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Second pass beats the rotation, Duke Dennis to FlightReacts, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rapper, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and FlightReacts just did it by hitting IShowSpeed on the back side with acres of room. Ball into Goku at the elbow, IShowSpeed plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Two points left on the floor by IShowSpeed, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and FlightReacts has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Goku precisely where the play wanted it. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Goku does. Rises, releases, and Goku sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

IShowSpeed avoids the cameras like the plague. Duke Dennis gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Sale of the Half Century! Orville Duckworth of Slush Pile, Michigan, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The answer was of course roughly the length of the story he is telling. Orville therefore wins a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

88-132 (L)

Late rotation from Jake Lacy, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. Jake Lacy is on a tightrope now, and every single piece of contact from here could be the last one he is allowed.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The defender crowded the middle, and IShowSpeed punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the rapper? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and IShowSpeed makes it every single trip down the floor. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! FlightReacts never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rapper, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

The locker room. Goku sprawls out full-length on the bench. Quick anecdote about Goku: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but Nobody Speaks! To win a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it, text HOOPS to 555-0241 and answer this question: 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Ball moves. Duke Dennis to IShowSpeed, on time and on target. Hesitate, GO. IShowSpeed is by that hip before the man even blinks. That is the shot IShowSpeed wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

No hero ball here: IShowSpeed takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Hard drive, hard stop, and Goku retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Catch, rise, splash. The farmer owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

SKIP PASS! FlightReacts fires it cross court to IShowSpeed and the defense is dead in the water! A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and IShowSpeed pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Fifth possession this half where IShowSpeed has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Personal foul on the youtuber. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

One little shoulder dip from Duke Dennis and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Awful shot by Duke Dennis with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how FlightReacts breaks a shell down. Duke Dennis comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Jake Lacy just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. The movie actor/actress launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, FlightReacts drops it off perfectly for Goku diving to the rim. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the farmer and quietly turning off the TV.

Jake Lacy lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. IShowSpeed decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but Nobody Speaks! Clovis Whittenberg of Number Nine Curve, New York, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The answer was of course three, after which you simply live with it open. Clovis takes home a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

80-124 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Goku rips it out of the air and we are off.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The rapper puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

BAAAANG! Lob from Duke Dennis, Goku throws it down, and the arena loses its mind.

Goku pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Break. IShowSpeed collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? IShowSpeed once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the youtuber, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Goku passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Prayer from Goku. Not answered.

The farmer is going shot for shot with the best scorer on this floor and refusing to flinch. On a weeknight. After a full shift.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

FlightReacts gives it up to Duke Dennis on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Duke Dennis hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Laser from Duke Dennis, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Right through the window. IShowSpeed to Goku on the roll, and the help was a half step late. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Goku. Cruel.

Whistle! Jake Lacy gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Jake Lacy, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Cross court, on a rope, from the youtuber. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Goku turns the corner off the screen from IShowSpeed, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and IShowSpeed has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at IShowSpeed. The building went up, the building came right back down, and IShowSpeed is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Duke Dennis looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Goku looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

87-132 (L)

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ejection for the rapper. Forty hours a week of keeping it together, and it all came apart in one swing under the rim.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

FlightReacts rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, FlightReacts has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

One hard jab step and FlightReacts is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. Reach-in on the farmer. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands.

First half is done. FlightReacts is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: FlightReacts listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! To win a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak, text HOOPS to 555-0288 and answer this question: 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

FlightReacts walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The rapper just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Goku is walking back with both hands on his head.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Laser from Duke Dennis, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Oldest play in the book, and FlightReacts runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. The movie actor/actress had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SKIP PASS! IShowSpeed fires it cross court to Duke Dennis and the defense is dead in the water! Duke Dennis hands it off to Goku, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Duke Dennis builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Duke Dennis does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with IShowSpeed that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and FlightReacts already has the defense a full step behind. STOP AND GO! Duke Dennis hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Duke Dennis beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Unselfish basketball. FlightReacts passes up a good shot and hands Goku a GREAT one. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Goku plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the farmer punched in on time.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Goku disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. FlightReacts is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Total control. FlightReacts has this thing on a string. The youtuber just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? BRICK! Goku throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The youtuber just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the youtuber! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

FlightReacts walks head down toward the tunnel. Duke Dennis drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! Idella Prather of Lonesome Water, Mississippi, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' The answer was of course two hours, or one if somebody brought mayonnaise. Idella takes home a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

81-125 (L)

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A rapper making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Whistle. Moving screen on Goku, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

That is a clean blow-by on Jake Lacy, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Over the top of everybody. FlightReacts to Duke Dennis in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. A full spin move through traffic from the youtuber! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Duke Dennis rises over the defender and it falls through.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Break! Jake Lacy grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: Jake Lacy watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Duke Dennis threw it before the help even committed. Jake Lacy holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Goku flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Down, up, and gone for Goku. The rim is just toying with him now.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Duke Dennis has all the room in the world. That is twice tonight Duke Dennis has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch Goku plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring FlightReacts out of that corner in a blink. FlightReacts gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Stone silence for one second, then FlightReacts lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. IShowSpeed answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Total control. FlightReacts has this thing on a string. The defender planted his feet, and Jake Lacy said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Rim out for Jake Lacy, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Kick out to IShowSpeed, one more to Jake Lacy, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Not a hand on him. Jake Lacy flat missed the bunny.

The rapper loses the ball to the floor with nobody guarding him. We have all had that kind of day at work.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and FlightReacts drops it off to IShowSpeed on time and on target. Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Shot clock at one, and IShowSpeed just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

IShowSpeed stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jake Lacy exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

82-126 (L)

Tip goes to the farmer, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. POCKET PASS! FlightReacts threads it to Jake Lacy between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Nobody expects touch like that from the movie actor/actress, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Jake Lacy tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from FlightReacts, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. FlightReacts sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Duke Dennis finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Give and go! FlightReacts gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Somebody show the rest of the league what the rapper just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. FlightReacts stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Cross court, on a rope, from the youtuber. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Jake Lacy left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! That is the shot chart lying to you. Jake Lacy did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Halftime. Jake Lacy throws his towel on the floor walking in. They say Jake Lacy eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Five bodies moving as one, FlightReacts barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. REJECTED! FlightReacts gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SKIP PASS! Duke Dennis fires it cross court to Goku and the defense is dead in the water! Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Goku slips it to Duke Dennis right in the pocket. Surgical. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Duke Dennis, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

A fistful of jersey to stop the break, and the bill comes due for Goku: two at the line plus possession.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and FlightReacts makes it every single trip down the floor. No roll this time. Jake Lacy swings it right back to Duke Dennis above the break, and it is PURE. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the youtuber, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. A full spin move through traffic from the farmer! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. The farmer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Swing, swing, and IShowSpeed finds Duke Dennis on the wing before the help can even turn its head. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Duke Dennis pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. The youtuber lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

FlightReacts turns back to look at the court one last time. Duke Dennis doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

87-131 (L)

Jake Lacy times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Hands up, one stomp, a short speech, and the whistle answers. Technical foul on Jake Lacy, and the bench is stunned. The movie actor/actress argued himself right off the floor. That mouth pays the bills in that line of work, and tonight it cost him the fourth quarter.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the rapper made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Fifth possession this half where FlightReacts has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. FlightReacts has all the room in the world. Pull-up from the elbow by FlightReacts, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Time to breathe. Duke Dennis has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Duke Dennis was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

OHHHH they are coming apart! Jake Lacy again, and the defense has no idea where to turn!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Push the pace! FlightReacts grabs it and hits Duke Dennis in stride before the defense can even match up. GONE down the baseline! Duke Dennis beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The youtuber spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Duke Dennis sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The New York Over-Timers bench does not find it funny. Goku pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the youtuber, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? IShowSpeed treats every miss like it belongs to him. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and IShowSpeed gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The farmer just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

No hero ball here: FlightReacts takes what the defense gives and moves it along. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Goku pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Long miss from the farmer and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The rapper just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Foul to give, and FlightReacts gives it. Clock stops.

Goku stares at the floor while Duke Dennis mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

75-119 (L)

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

No hero ball here: Duke Dennis takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Jake Lacy keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Jake Lacy rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Camping in the paint again, Jake Lacy. At some point somebody is going to hand him a sleeping bag.

Here comes the slip from Goku, and FlightReacts reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Goku goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

First half is done. Goku is chugging Gatorade like it's water. True story: Goku walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Whirl, and GONE! FlightReacts leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. FlightReacts had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Over the top of everybody. IShowSpeed to FlightReacts in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. OHHHH the separation! FlightReacts just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Buzzer on the shot clock, FlightReacts heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The movie actor/actress is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. Fifth possession this half where Jake Lacy has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Heat check from FlightReacts, and the heat is officially OFF. Three feet behind the arc with a hand in his face.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The rapper pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Gift wrapped by FlightReacts, and IShowSpeed cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Duke Dennis launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Two defenders collide on the handoff and FlightReacts is gone, so Goku earned that one even if the box score disagrees. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and FlightReacts has it on a string tonight.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. FlightReacts points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Duke Dennis waits with both hands on top of his head. Late by a blink. Duke Dennis is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

IShowSpeed slams his fist on the bench. Duke Dennis places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Duke Dennis. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

81-126 (L)

Tip is UP and Jake Lacy gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Goku rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Goku reaches, gets caught, whistle. Third personal, and the coach immediately looks down his bench.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Two guys on the exact same page, Duke Dennis and Goku, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Duke Dennis he is on the wrong end of it.

Halftime. Jake Lacy throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Jake Lacy is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The movie actor/actress just got T'd up for running his mouth at a referee. Somewhere his boss is watching this and slowly closing his eyes. The official turns, the arms go up, the T is signaled, and Jake Lacy does not even wait for the escort.

Jake Lacy eats the contact so IShowSpeed can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. OHHHH! IShowSpeed went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The youtuber clocks out early tonight, and honestly that one is earned. The work was finished before the fourth even started.

The zone is set with IShowSpeed anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! Four live-ball turnovers now for Duke Dennis, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The movie actor/actress just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday. OUTLET! Jake Lacy rips the board and fires it ahead to IShowSpeed before anybody gets back! Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. IShowSpeed owns the highlight reel tonight.

IShowSpeed sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Boston Ring-Chasers bench does not find it funny. Duke Dennis pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Duke Dennis just did it by hitting Jake Lacy on the back side with acres of room. Off the pin-down comes the movie actor/actress with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Jake Lacy just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Hands out, palms up, Jake Lacy shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. IShowSpeed is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and IShowSpeed is refusing to look at the big screen. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from IShowSpeed.

Jake Lacy kicks his towel across the floor. FlightReacts has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

85-129 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Jake Lacy rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Duke Dennis has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Duke Dennis goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Jake Lacy is doing a fine traffic cone impression. The rapper gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses.

Break. Jake Lacy collapses next to the vending machine. Word is Jake Lacy sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but Nobody Speaks! To win a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it, text HOOPS to 555-0241 and answer this question: 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to FlightReacts, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! FlightReacts cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

No hero ball here: IShowSpeed takes what the defense gives and moves it along. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jake Lacy spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! OHHHH the POWER! Jake Lacy took the hit and finished it anyway!

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Jake Lacy takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. IShowSpeed pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, IShowSpeed makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and FlightReacts is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

That was pure cinema from the youtuber. Whatever he does for a living, it clearly involves an audience and a curtain call.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Five straight misses now for Goku, and every voice in that huddle has gone quiet. Second shot clock violation of the half with FlightReacts holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

FlightReacts drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. OHHHH what a FINISH from Jake Lacy! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

That was a deliberate technical. The coach hated what happened to FlightReacts, he wanted it on the record, and one point is his price.

IShowSpeed closes his eyes walking out. Duke Dennis keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but Nobody Speaks! Clovis Whittenberg of Number Nine Curve, New York, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The answer was of course three, after which you simply live with it open. Clovis takes home a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

82-127 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Court vision like that on the rapper is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the farmer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. OHHHH, what a read by IShowSpeed! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for FlightReacts, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Set called, Goku waved out to the corner, and FlightReacts watches the spacing open up like a front door. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to farmer the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Duke Dennis. Runner in the lane by Duke Dennis, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Duke Dennis hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. IShowSpeed shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Rest. Goku buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Goku failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The movie actor/actress is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. The rapper just jumped a passing lane like a ten-year pro and took it the distance. What a league this is!

This is the counter: FlightReacts punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. The farmer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

No hero ball here: IShowSpeed takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The movie actor/actress runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Third look from distance for IShowSpeed tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Duke Dennis has known that all night long. Watch the spacing, Jake Lacy drags two bodies toward the ball and FlightReacts is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The rapper just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Goku attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Goku contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest.

Push the pace! FlightReacts grabs it and hits Goku in stride before the defense can even match up. Left, right, gone. Goku put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Shot clock at one, and Goku just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Goku makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. Snatched! IShowSpeed came out of NOWHERE for that one.

FlightReacts's complexion is grey. IShowSpeed's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.