Tigers — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-3 (L)

Brilliant interception from Carles Puyol, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. GOAL for Lamine Yamal! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Carles Puyol sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Mason Mount snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Gianluigi Buffon waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Magnificent tackle from Carles Puyol! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. What a MISSILE from Kaká! The strike is so powerful the keeper had no time to dive. GOAL!

Carles Puyol places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Lamine Yamal falls to his knees bowing. Gianluigi Buffon does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Albert Einstein senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Albert Einstein rolls it to Lamine Yamal, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Monumental ball from Lamine Yamal to Carles Puyol, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. One touch football: Carles Puyol to Tiger Shroff, faster than the opposition can think.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Gianluigi Buffon mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Carles Puyol does the wave with contortionist grace. Gianluigi Buffon solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Gianluigi Buffon rolls it short to Carles Puyol into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. What a tackle by Carles Puyol! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Lamine Yamal threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Tiger Shroff bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Oh what a challenge! Tiger Shroff goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Carles Puyol stares at the carnage. Gianluigi Buffon swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Reports suggest that Carles Puyol once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 48 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Albert Einstein squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

It's in the back of the net! Paris Saint-Glinglin celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Three-man routine: Gianluigi Buffon, Αrda Güler and Gianluigi Buffon do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Brilliant tackle from Lasisi Elenu! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Good ball from the brand ambassador to Cafu, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Brilliant switch of play from Cafu! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Kaká. Kaká fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Tiger Shroff throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Dominant header from Tiger Shroff on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

They've nicked a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin catch us cold on the break.

Gianluigi Buffon slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Albert Einstein photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The inventor hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Lamine Yamal wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Lamine Yamal bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Lamine Yamal delivers a tidy ball to Andrea Pirlo, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Mad pressing, the strikers chase defenders like wolves. Carles Puyol intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Carles Puyol pings a ridiculous diagonal to Andrea Pirlo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Floated cross from Andrea Pirlo off the right, Lasisi Elenu has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Αrda Güler slows the tempo right down, every second is a gain for his side. Yellow card for Αrda Güler, got right in the referee's face. Can't be doing that. Αrda Güler sends the free kick in front of goal, Mason Mount leaps to try the header. Header from Mason Mount on the perfect cross from Tiger Shroff, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

Lamine Yamal puts Αrda Güler into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Burst of speed from Αrda Güler, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Αrda Güler goes sliding in and doesn't touch a thing, fresh air tackle that. Awful. Straight red for Lasisi Elenu! He clips the heels of the attacker sprinting goalward. Last defender, textbook denial.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Gianluigi Buffon stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Lamine Yamal walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Paris Saint-Glinglin are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Gianluigi Buffon ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Carles Puyol leaps over him. Gianluigi Buffon walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

The brand ambassador finds Andrea Pirlo along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Key pass from Andrea Pirlo! It fizzes between the lines and Mason Mount collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Absolute rocket from Mason Mount, the keeper dived but it was unstoppable.

Lasisi Elenu unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Albert Einstein makes a heart sign with his hands. Gianluigi Buffon finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Long ball from Gianluigi Buffon for Carles Puyol who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Carles Puyol wins the header and flicks it on for Lamine Yamal. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. GOOOAL! Carles Puyol climbs to perfection on the cross from Αrda Güler and propels the ball into the net. The keeper beaten by an imperial header!

Gianluigi Buffon falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Andrea Pirlo arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Lasisi Elenu reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Through ball from the brand ambassador for Albert Einstein, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Albert Einstein hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

The pile at the corner flag. Lasisi Elenu is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Gianluigi Buffon arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Andrea Pirlo spots the run from Carles Puyol and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Offside against Carles Puyol! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Αrda Güler is beside himself. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Short build-up from Lasisi Elenu to Kaká, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Αrda Güler is chatting with Andrea Pirlo about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." You won't believe this, but Albert Einstein has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' They are back. Tiger Shroff salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

WOOOW Tiger Shroff launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post! VAR check in progress, the whole stadium is holding its breath. VAR has decided: it's a penalty! The foul on Tiger Shroff was clear as day! Αrda Güler takes the penalty... SAVED! The keeper threw himself the right way and pushed it out! Gianluigi Buffon opts for the short option to Tiger Shroff, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Cafu goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Cafu slides it to Carles Puyol, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic.

Lamine Yamal puts it right into the feet of Mason Mount, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Dummy from Mason Mount, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Mason Mount gives it to Kaká into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Kaká plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Tiger Shroff in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. OHHH the save from Gianluigi Buffon! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY.

Lamine Yamal swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Absolute peach from Lamine Yamal, threading it through for Αrda Güler, the centre-halves are done for! Αrda Güler produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

Oh that's heartbreaking! México No-Era-Penal score right on the stroke of half-time.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Lamine Yamal tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Long kick from Gianluigi Buffon, Mason Mount positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Mason Mount to Kaká, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Beautiful distribution from Gianluigi Buffon to Lasisi Elenu, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Quick exchange between Lasisi Elenu and Mason Mount, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Massive win over México No-Era-Penal! Gianluigi Buffon is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Carles Puyol pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Kaká whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Tiger Shroff throws himself at it for a header. Tiger Shroff meets the cross from Lamine Yamal with a HEEEEADER! The keeper is petrified, IT IS IIIN!

Kaká runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Gianluigi Buffon tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Αrda Güler tugs the attacker back by both shoulders, that's not even trying to hide it! Αrda Güler picks up a booking for persistent fouling. Took long enough, frankly. The free kick from Αrda Güler is too close to the near post, drifts wide. Wasted opportunity.

Great vision from Mason Mount who switches to Αrda Güler. The defence pivots, but they are too late. It falls apart for Αrda Güler, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Lamine Yamal wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. The free kick from Lamine Yamal lands right on Αrda Güler in the heart of the box. What a delivery!

Massive clearance from the inventor under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Lamine Yamal anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Lamine Yamal launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Kaká dives in studs first on the attacker, completely mistimed and extremely dangerous. VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. VAR has decided: no penalty! There was no foul on Kaká! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Tiger Shroff claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Club sources confirm Carles Puyol has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 48, the 178-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Carles Puyol takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Short pass from the brand ambassador to Lamine Yamal, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Lamine Yamal shifts it wide to Mason Mount on the right, lovely ball into the space.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. The recovery from Albert Einstein is absolutely jaw-dropping, runs like his life depends on it and saves the day. Foul by Albert Einstein in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move.

Kaká slides a beauty through the gap, Lamine Yamal is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Flag up! Lamine Yamal was beyond the last man when Albert Einstein released the pass. Gianluigi Buffon smashes a volley towards Lamine Yamal, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Diagonal from Lamine Yamal to Albert Einstein, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Andrea Pirlo rolls the free kick along the ground to Αrda Güler, it is the short routine. Αrda Güler curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Lamine Yamal sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. It is not happening for Αrda Güler, the pass to Kaká is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Decisive glance from Αrda Güler who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Αrda Güler unleashes a raking ball out to Tiger Shroff, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Superb! Lasisi Elenu jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Andrea Pirlo waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Lasisi Elenu nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Incredible solo run from Andrea Pirlo, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. Andrea Pirlo spots the keeper off his line and dinks it over him, perfect lob, it is in! GOAL! The intelligence of that finish, that is WORLD CLASS.

Andrea Pirlo falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Tiger Shroff arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Andrea Pirlo whips it in and it's a right mess in the six-yard box, the defense scrambles it clear! GOOOAL! Cafu sneaks in front of the defender on the cross from Mason Mount and prods the ball in at point-blank range. PERFECT!

Carles Puyol is all alone at the back post on the corner from Mason Mount, he heads it but it goes wide. Gianluigi Buffon takes his time and plays it short to Αrda Güler. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Αrda Güler takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Αrda Güler slides the ball across the ground in the box, Carles Puyol arrives for the finish.

Carles Puyol launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Andrea Pirlo, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Poor decision from Andrea Pirlo on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Αrda Güler puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Lovely use of the ball by Αrda Güler, finding Mason Mount in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Mason Mount nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

Gianluigi Buffon fires it out quickly by hand to Tiger Shroff, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Wing switch from Tiger Shroff, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Mason Mount brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Mason Mount overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Carles Puyol is doing an impression of Dakar Teranga FC's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Lasisi Elenu is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." Roommates on away trips confirm Gianluigi Buffon sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 48, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Lasisi Elenu does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Carles Puyol shifts it to Tiger Shroff with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Line-breaking pass from Tiger Shroff! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Mason Mount picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Overlap from Mason Mount on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Cafu heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The brand ambassador plays it simple to Albert Einstein, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Albert Einstein slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints.

Cafu goes crossfield to Mason Mount, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Ball over the top from Carles Puyol, Andrea Pirlo had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Andrea Pirlo gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. The inventor slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Albert Einstein picks out Mason Mount with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Mason Mount pierces the backline with a low through ball, Kaká latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent.

Killer ball from Albert Einstein through the gap! Carles Puyol bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Carles Puyol is flagged offside by the narrowest of margins, Lasisi Elenu wants answers from the ref. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

Massive win over Dakar Teranga FC! Albert Einstein is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Lamine Yamal pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Mason Mount touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Mason Mount fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Albert Einstein plays the medic running in. Gianluigi Buffon plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Kaká bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Lamine Yamal wins the aerial battle. GOOOAL! OVERHEAD KICK from Lamine Yamal! The cross from Kaká arrives, Lamine Yamal throws himself into the air and BOOM the ball rockets into the top corner! Everyone is on their FEET, that is MAGICAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Kaká is at the centre, lifted up by Albert Einstein and Gianluigi Buffon, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Douala Makossa-Corner's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Gianluigi Buffon falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Kaká arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Driven kick from Gianluigi Buffon to Kaká, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Kaká charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Kaká puts too much power on his cross, it flies through the box and out for a throw. SUPERB take from Gianluigi Buffon! He climbs above everyone and gathers with authority. Gianluigi Buffon finds Lamine Yamal with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Quick one-two between Lasisi Elenu and Lamine Yamal, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Sublime through ball from Lamine Yamal for Carles Puyol who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. BANG! Carles Puyol hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

Mason Mount is doing an impression of Douala Makossa-Corner's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Kaká is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." Club physios had to confiscate Gianluigi Buffon's PlayStation after the 48-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 192, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1122 and answer this question: 'What is the postcode for existential dread?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Carles Puyol high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Shot from Andrea Pirlo... into the clouds. The keeper didn't even flinch. Gianluigi Buffon distributes by hand to Mason Mount on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Albert Einstein reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Albert Einstein picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. The inventor shifts Tiger Shroff into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Albert Einstein hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Gianluigi Buffon plays it short to Αrda Güler, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Αrda Güler tries to open it up for Lamine Yamal but the timing is miles off. Possession lost.

Gianluigi Buffon sparks the transition with a quick throw to Andrea Pirlo, the break is lightning fast. Andrea Pirlo lays it off first time to Kaká, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Kaká finds Cafu between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Kaká pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. Kaká burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The cross from Kaká is overhit, the keeper collects comfortably in his area.

Tiger Shroff gifts Kaká a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Kaká lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Albert Einstein changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Andrea Pirlo. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Victory! Cafu and Carles Puyol lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Douala Makossa-Corner have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the postcode for existential dread?'. The answer was of course SL1 1AA, which is technically in Slough, and that explains everything. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-0 (W)

Lamine Yamal gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Lamine Yamal has it running through his veins. What a ball from Lamine Yamal! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Αrda Güler is away on his own. That is velvet. MAJESTIC GOAL from Αrda Güler! Powerful left-footed strike, the keeper was a spectator. UNDEFENDABLE!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Lamine Yamal is at the centre, lifted up by Kaká and Gianluigi Buffon, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Lagos No-Carry-Last's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

The stuntman/stuntwoman cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Mason Mount. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Mason Mount shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. The referee's whistle goes against Andrea Pirlo, caught the opponent late.

Carles Puyol boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Andrea Pirlo feeds Cafu in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Cafu bounces it off Αrda Güler for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

Lamine Yamal chains a roulette into a step-over, defenders are dropping like flies. Lamine Yamal plays the simple ball to Albert Einstein, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. WHAT A SHAME for Albert Einstein! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Short restart from Gianluigi Buffon to Lamine Yamal, building from the back nice and tidy.

The fourth official holds up the board, added time is announced! Smooth transition from Αrda Güler to Kaká, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Kaká sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Αrda Güler. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Αrda Güler curls a cross to the near post, Mason Mount is lurking in the box.

Gianluigi Buffon is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Lasisi Elenu leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. A peculiar superstition from Lamine Yamal — he has to tap the crossbar three times and whisper 'come on then' before every match. Nobody knows who he's talking to. The kitman thinks it's the ghost of a Victorian goalkeeper. He's been doing it since he was seventeen. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Αrda Güler claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Albert Einstein fires the ball over to Cafu with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Cafu spots Carles Puyol peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Carles Puyol takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Low cut-back from Carles Puyol, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Lamine Yamal.

Full throttle at both ends, the gaps between the lines are massive. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Tiger Shroff sends Carles Puyol into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

Andrea Pirlo puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Αrda Güler is there to finish. HEADER from Αrda Güler! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky.

Albert Einstein triggers a change of flanks for Mason Mount, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Mason Mount crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Lasisi Elenu is there to meet it. Cross from the brand ambassador deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. Enormous clearance from Albert Einstein inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it.

Little shift from Tiger Shroff to Mason Mount, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Mason Mount. Held the opponent back by the arm.

That is a statement result! Tiger Shroff stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Kaká joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Lagos No-Carry-Last won't forget this one. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-1 (W)

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Carles Puyol anticipates the run from Tiger Shroff and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Tiger Shroff dinks the ball with the toe of his boot, it sails over the keeper and drops in! GOOOAL! The CLASSIEST finish of the match, that is pure caviar!

Raw emotion: Carles Puyol cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Andrea Pirlo crouches beside him and speaks softly. Gianluigi Buffon jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Kaká keeps it short to Mason Mount, no frills, just good football intelligence. Mason Mount finds the gap and serves Lamine Yamal in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. GOOOOAL for Lamine Yamal! BLISTERING 20-yard rocket, the keeper did not even see the ball leave!

Kaká fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Gianluigi Buffon plays the medic running in. Gianluigi Buffon plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Cafu reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Cafu was quicker. Cafu plays it simple to Αrda Güler, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nutmeg from Αrda Güler on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Αrda Güler drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Lamine Yamal. Lamine Yamal meets the cross from Carles Puyol with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move.

Quick throw from Gianluigi Buffon to Mason Mount out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Mason Mount hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Foul by Mason Mount on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Mason Mount finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Gianluigi Buffon legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Andrea Pirlo tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Lamine Yamal responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Lasisi Elenu is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. Absolutely unbelievable scenes — Gianluigi Buffon, aged 48, once admitted on live radio that he eats a Greggs sausage roll before every single match. The lad swears it's the secret to his pace, and honestly, who are we to argue with those numbers? And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Carles Puyol sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Kaká gives it quickly to Lasisi Elenu on the short corner, they want to catch the defense off guard. Lasisi Elenu links up with Αrda Güler, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Αrda Güler unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Gianluigi Buffon goes long for Αrda Güler, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Crossfield pass from Αrda Güler to Carles Puyol, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Good ball from Carles Puyol to Albert Einstein, playing it quick between the lines. Nutmeg from the inventor on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role.

Big clearance from Cafu under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Gianluigi Buffon distributes short to Tiger Shroff, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The stuntman/stuntwoman rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The overlap from Tiger Shroff, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

Cafu steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Majestic individual run from Cafu, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow.

The corner from Lamine Yamal is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Kaká explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

Monster clearance from Gianluigi Buffon, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Mason Mount. Mason Mount rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Acceleration from Mason Mount down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

FULL TIME! Gianluigi Buffon jumps on Cafu's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Barranquilla Toque-Toque shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-1 (W)

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Ball in behind from the brand ambassador, Albert Einstein is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. GOOOOOAL! Albert Einstein turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Lasisi Elenu scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Kaká is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

PENALTY! Cafu is fouled in the box, the referee does NOT hesitate. He points to the spot, that is a decision HEAVY with consequences! Cafu takes the penalty, it clatters the post and bounces back! He's cursed tonight. GOOOOAL! Mason Mount arrives at full pelt in the box, the cross from Tiger Shroff is perfect, he just has to score!

Full moonwalk from Cafu, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Tiger Shroff does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Gianluigi Buffon applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Gianluigi Buffon catapults the ball towards Αrda Güler from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Αrda Güler forces a pass to Cafu who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Mason Mount sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Mason Mount thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Cafu gives it to Αrda Güler, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. Incredible burst of pace from Cafu, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Cafu wants to beat his man but gets closed down by the defender. Back to sender. Superb defensive work from Lasisi Elenu there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lasisi Elenu absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Andrea Pirlo opens up to Mason Mount on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Mason Mount reads the movement from Lasisi Elenu and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Lasisi Elenu celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Andrea Pirlo's pass. Gutting. Gianluigi Buffon sends an absolute rocket towards Kaká, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Kaká picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Lasisi Elenu nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Cafu is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Sources confirm Andrea Pirlo once spent four hours in Primark and came out wearing head-to-toe matching leopard print. At 177, the 47-year-old looked like a giraffe having an identity crisis. And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' Here come the lads. Gianluigi Buffon jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Well spotted by Cafu who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lay-off from Cafu to Αrda Güler, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Αrda Güler nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Rapid combination: Αrda Güler to Mason Mount, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Authoritative clearance from Lasisi Elenu in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Clumsy challenge from Lamine Yamal, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Lamine Yamal goes short to Mason Mount, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine. Mason Mount tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

Disaster! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Lasisi Elenu slips Mason Mount in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Mason Mount gives it to Cafu and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. Mason Mount timed his run poorly there, Lamine Yamal's pass was good but the flag is up. Gianluigi Buffon hoofs it forward towards Tiger Shroff, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Tiger Shroff intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. The stuntman/stuntwoman sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Delayed tackle from Tiger Shroff, the attacker was gone ages ago by the time he hits the floor. Carles Puyol commits the professional foul. Through on goal, last man — the red card was always coming.

That's a leg-breaker from Kaká! He's come in like a freight train on the attacker. Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR upgrades the card, Kaká must leave the pitch immediately! Red card! Kaká has been sent off for a career-ending challenge. No arguments there. The free kick from Kaká is floated in, Andrea Pirlo makes his run to the back post.

GET IN THERE! Mason Mount slides on his knees across the wet turf, Tiger Shroff piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-3 (L)

And it's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Crunching tackle by Cafu on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Solo run from Cafu, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. GOOOAL! Cafu executes the PERFECT lob! The keeper made the mistake of coming out and Cafu punishes him with INCREDIBLE finesse. The ball floats and settles in the net. GOAL OF GENIUS!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Cafu arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Αrda Güler slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. GOOOOAL! Lamine Yamal unleashes a thunderbolt, the keeper did not even see it!

Albert Einstein sets it for Αrda Güler, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Lob from Lamine Yamal over the entire defence, Kaká finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. OH THE VOLLEY from Kaká! Sublime in execution but the ball soars over the crossbar. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Mason Mount: "181 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 27 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Tiger Shroff is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 36-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Gianluigi Buffon does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Sideways ball from Kaká to Cafu, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Cafu accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Cafu gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Tiger Shroff. Cross far too long from Tiger Shroff, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

Andrea Pirlo sits down on the pitch for no reason, the medical team are running on. Andrea Pirlo is cautioned for his protests. The ref warned him twice already. Andrea Pirlo plays the free kick as a cross, Lasisi Elenu finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Header from Lasisi Elenu, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target.

It was bound to happen. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and honestly, we deserved that.

Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. Backpass from Cafu goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Lovely interception from Albert Einstein, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Mason Mount drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Cafu read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The assistant flags Cafu offside, it's a matter of inches! Andrea Pirlo kicks the turf in frustration. Play has stopped, the referee is heading to the pitchside screen. This could change everything.

Oh that's poor! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Awful pass from Lasisi Elenu, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Banks-esque save from Gianluigi Buffon! Foot extended, ball deflected, MIRACULOUS! Kaká clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Lasisi Elenu dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Firm pass from Lasisi Elenu into Cafu, right into the boots. No waste. Cafu frees up the entire channel for Andrea Pirlo with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Andrea Pirlo wants to play it quick but the pass to Carles Puyol is wayward, lacking any precision. Kaká throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is.

Gutting. Lasisi Elenu throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Cafu picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Sombrero flick from Mason Mount, the ball lobs the defender and he collects it on the other side. Majestic. Mason Mount plays football of the GREATS! Solo run of 40 yards, dribbles galore, and perfect finish. GOAL!

Lasisi Elenu with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. The brand ambassador spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Cafu. That is exactly why he is out there. Cafu has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Andrea Pirlo to Carles Puyol, they refuse the aerial cross. Carles Puyol spreads it to Lamine Yamal, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Lamine Yamal keeps it short to Cafu, no frills, just good football intelligence. Cafu looks up and launches a long pass towards Andrea Pirlo. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Lifesaving clearance from Cafu! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Massive punt from Gianluigi Buffon, sends the ball sixty yards, Kaká is scrapping for it up top. Aerial duel won by Kaká, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Kaká puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

Lasisi Elenu paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Lasisi Elenu exhales and sits. Planning records show Andrea Pirlo's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 47-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Andrea Pirlo high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Corner swung in by Andrea Pirlo, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear. Tiger Shroff boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Andrea Pirlo whips the free kick into the box for Tiger Shroff, dangerous delivery! OHHH the header from the stuntman/stuntwoman goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really.

Corner from Andrea Pirlo, Αrda Güler heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! Gianluigi Buffon lumps it long towards Carles Puyol, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Carles Puyol spreads it to Cafu, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Cafu drops a lofted ball to Kaká, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Gianluigi Buffon plays out from the back with Lamine Yamal, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Lamine Yamal springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Lamine Yamal powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

Emergency clearance from the inventor, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Lasisi Elenu plays it simple to Cafu, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Cafu gets down the left and pulls it back low, Tiger Shroff is stationed on the penalty spot. Tiger Shroff blazes it into the stands when Kaká had opened the door wide! Empty goal and he still finds a way to miss.

Gianluigi Buffon launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Andrea Pirlo after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Massive diagonal from Andrea Pirlo! Albert Einstein receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. The inventor gets to the byline and floats one in for Andrea Pirlo. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Shared match. Gianluigi Buffon walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Cafu does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-3 (L)

Mason Mount puts the corner in, MELEE in the six-yard box! The ball bounces around, defense clears eventually! GOOOAL! Αrda Güler sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Mason Mount ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Gianluigi Buffon leaps over him. Gianluigi Buffon walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Ferocious press from Αrda Güler! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Αrda Güler plays it into the channel for Kaká, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Kaká! The keeper got demolished by a world class rocket!

Αrda Güler runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Cafu gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

It's hit the back of the net! Istanbul Cehennem FK lead and we look completely lost.

Enormous anticipation from Carles Puyol who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. With one swing of the boot, Carles Puyol finds Mason Mount on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Lightning overlap from Mason Mount, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Mason Mount crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Albert Einstein. Panicked clearance from Carles Puyol, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Almighty boot from Cafu who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Carles Puyol gives it to Albert Einstein into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The opponent is bundled over by Albert Einstein. Not much in it, but the whistle goes.

The gaffer points at Andrea Pirlo: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Andrea Pirlo clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Incredible scenes last summer when Gianluigi Buffon was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 48 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Andrea Pirlo trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

The free kick from Kaká sails across the entire box, Andrea Pirlo is at the back post waiting. Enormous leap from Andrea Pirlo who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Andrea Pirlo plays the simple ball to Lamine Yamal, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Lamine Yamal presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast.

And that's a goal! Istanbul Cehennem FK extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Gianluigi Buffon runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Cafu joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Short distribution from Gianluigi Buffon to Cafu, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Firm pass from Cafu into Kaká, right into the boots. No waste. Kaká spots Tiger Shroff in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Lamine Yamal powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Lamine Yamal gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Carles Puyol just needs to sidefoot it home. The crowd cannot believe it! Carles Puyol misses in front of an open goal after the perfect service from Lasisi Elenu. That is physically painful to watch.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Cafu sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Andrea Pirlo is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Andrea Pirlo thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Tiger Shroff's pass. Gianluigi Buffon boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Tiger Shroff! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Smooth transition from Tiger Shroff to Αrda Güler, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Lasisi Elenu boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Andrea Pirlo tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Yellow card. Andrea Pirlo lunged in recklessly and took the man clean out.

Kaká does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Kaká turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Lamine Yamal. The defence did not even have time to blink. Lamine Yamal with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

Andrea Pirlo sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Albert Einstein reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Albert Einstein. Andrea Pirlo almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Kaká sends in a curling delivery, Albert Einstein peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Bicycle kick from Albert Einstein! The ball smashes into the top corner, the ground ERUPTS! On the cross from Mason Mount, he throws himself backwards and hammers the ball home! EXTRAORDINARY!

Kaká mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Andrea Pirlo plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Gianluigi Buffon plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Mason Mount pulls out a showboating piece of skill, the defender is a spectator to his own downfall. Blistering run from Mason Mount on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Inch-perfect cross from Mason Mount, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Αrda Güler at the back post.

Massive clearance from Cafu in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Αrda Güler loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Diving header from Lasisi Elenu on the cross from Kaká! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting! Mason Mount clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Quick one-two between Αrda Güler and Lasisi Elenu, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Lasisi Elenu releases Albert Einstein with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Albert Einstein strays offside by half a boot on Mason Mount's pass, brutal decision! Players standing around with hands on hips, waiting for VAR. This is agony. VAR has spoken — Tiger Shroff's goal is no good! Utter dejection!

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Ball into space from Lasisi Elenu, Carles Puyol just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Overlap from Carles Puyol on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Lasisi Elenu rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Mason Mount glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Club sources confirm Mason Mount has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 27, the 181-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Andrea Pirlo comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

The stuntman/stuntwoman lays it off first time to Albert Einstein, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Brilliant pass from Albert Einstein! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Lamine Yamal is onto it. Lamine Yamal charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Albert Einstein boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The inventor catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Nice combination started by the inventor from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Cafu winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

Mason Mount plays the free kick quickly to Cafu, they catch the defence napping. Cafu puts the ball right into the mixer, Carles Puyol arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. The cross from Carles Puyol is cut out cleanly by an alert defender. The defence has stood up. Corner from Lasisi Elenu into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away. Carles Puyol sends an aerial beauty to Albert Einstein, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. The inventor finds Mason Mount in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Cut-back from Mason Mount, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Tiger Shroff. Tiger Shroff fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Tidy restart from Gianluigi Buffon along the deck to Carles Puyol, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Carles Puyol swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Lasisi Elenu, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Lasisi Elenu whips in a cross at head height, Αrda Güler anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Cross blocked from Αrda Güler, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending.

1-1. Lamine Yamal and Albert Einstein are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Lamine Yamal. "Next time," replies Albert Einstein. And they vanish into the tunnel. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Benches up, fans up, the whole place is bedlam. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Andrea Pirlo winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Gianluigi Buffon runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Kaká gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Free kick from Andrea Pirlo to the near post, Albert Einstein gets a flick on it. The cross from Albert Einstein is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Corner from Mason Mount, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Switch from Αrda Güler! The ball arcs over the midfield and Lamine Yamal collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

The brand ambassador plays it simple to Mason Mount, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Rapid combination Mason Mount-Kaká, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker. Mason Mount is well offside there. Carles Puyol tried to find him but the run was mistimed. Gianluigi Buffon plays it along the ground to Tiger Shroff, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Interception from Tiger Shroff right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence.

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Gianluigi Buffon running fifty yards to come and attack the back post. Oh no Αrda Güler! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Albert Einstein deserved better. Gianluigi Buffon throws it out quickly to Tiger Shroff, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Carles Puyol stares at the floor. Mason Mount cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Now Lamine Yamal has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 180 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Kick-off! Andrea Pirlo wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Mason Mount climbs above everyone on the corner from Lamine Yamal but his header is too wide. Gianluigi Buffon throws it out quickly to Lasisi Elenu, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The brand ambassador overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Cross from Lasisi Elenu, he puts it on the far post for Lamine Yamal.

Absolutely immense from Albert Einstein! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Kaká goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent.

Oh dear, Sevilla Olé-Olé have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Gianluigi Buffon goes long for Αrda Güler, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Αrda Güler sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Shoulder charge from Kaká on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Kaká steps up for the free kick and blasts it wide. Miles off target.

Gianluigi Buffon boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Lamine Yamal! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Lamine Yamal hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Lamine Yamal chips a cross over everyone, Tiger Shroff finds himself alone behind the defence.

Lamine Yamal gives it to Andrea Pirlo into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Textbook lay-off from Andrea Pirlo to Lasisi Elenu who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Lasisi Elenu is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Tiger Shroff is shaking his head. The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. The technology has gone against Αrda Güler — the goal is not given!

Lasisi Elenu goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Tiger Shroff takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Gianluigi Buffon hoofs it forward towards Mason Mount, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Firm pass from Mason Mount into Cafu, right into the boots. No waste. GOOOOAL! Cafu tries from distance and it goes in, the keeper is beaten, what a strike!

Magnificent reading of the game from Lasisi Elenu, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. The brand ambassador finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Kaká clean through. Pure genius from that position. OHHH Kaká sniffed it out! On the keeper's parry, he pokes it in with a perfect opportunist's finish!

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Rehearsed move all week: Gianluigi Buffon and Αrda Güler stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Gianluigi Buffon plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

The brand ambassador shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Cafu. Pure quality, as per usual. Cafu wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Cafu launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Albert Einstein, it flies wide. Agonising.

The wall from Carles Puyol is perfect for Cafu who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Free kick to the opponents. Cafu caught his man with a stray leg. Cafu is cautioned for persistent fouling. The referee finally snapped.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Cafu, lift your head up. Gianluigi Buffon, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Αrda Güler once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 21-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Andrea Pirlo is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Absolutely appalling challenge from Carles Puyol on the attacker. The stadium erupts in anger. Booking for Carles Puyol, studs up at chest height. That's borderline red, he's lucky. Carles Puyol puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Tiger Shroff comes steaming in. Aerial duel won by Tiger Shroff, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Nightmare! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Powerful run from Andrea Pirlo down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Overlap on the left from Andrea Pirlo, floated cross towards Αrda Güler who rises highest at the far post. Αrda Güler crosses but it hits the defender's knee. The danger is cleared. Carles Puyol hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Corner from Lamine Yamal, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Massive clearance from Kaká, just get the ball as far away as possible. Αrda Güler launches it to Tiger Shroff on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Gianluigi Buffon plays it along the ground to Andrea Pirlo, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Quick one-two between Andrea Pirlo and Kaká, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Oh that's terrible! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

'I told you so' mode. Gianluigi Buffon eyeballs the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Mason Mount pulls Gianluigi Buffon away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Andrea Pirlo decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Andrea Pirlo finds Tiger Shroff in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. The stuntman/stuntwoman is flagged offside by a whisker on Kaká's ball, agonising decision. Tidy restart from Gianluigi Buffon along the deck to Αrda Güler, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Free kick from Lamine Yamal, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Kaká is onto it! Cross from Kaká deflected by the defence, Andrea Pirlo will not see the ball this time.

That's that, then. Gianluigi Buffon trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Cafu hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

Carles Puyol plays off Kaká, the return arrives right down the middle and Carles Puyol is free as a bird. Carles Puyol winds up and unleashes an APOCALYPTIC strike! The ball explodes in the goal, GOOOOOAL!

Carles Puyol and Tiger Shroff do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Gianluigi Buffon arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

It's kicking off everywhere, tackles, pressing, aerial battles nonstop. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. GOOOOOOL! Mason Mount catapults an indecent rocket on the cross from Lamine Yamal, the keeper did not even move!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Mason Mount is at the centre, lifted up by Lasisi Elenu and Gianluigi Buffon, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Gianluigi Buffon plays it short to Lamine Yamal, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Stunning tackle by Lamine Yamal in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Sideways ball from Lamine Yamal to Albert Einstein, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Albert Einstein lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Carles Puyol with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Short build-up from Carles Puyol to Albert Einstein, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Albert Einstein takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Albert Einstein pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Albert Einstein picks up a deserved yellow, the repeated fouling left the referee no choice.

Αrda Güler is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Lamine Yamal puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Mason Mount sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 27, the 181-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Carles Puyol squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

They've scored again! London Three-Pints are running riot and we can't cope.

Gianluigi Buffon climbs onto Tiger Shroff's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Gianluigi Buffon circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The referee grants extra minutes, both teams digging into their last reserves. Mason Mount delivers a tidy ball to Kaká, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. High recovery from Kaká! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off.

Through ball from the stuntman/stuntwoman for Mason Mount, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Gianluigi Buffon closes the door by coming out to meet the attacker, one-on-one won. Massive punt from Gianluigi Buffon, sends the ball sixty yards, Lasisi Elenu is scrapping for it up top.

It's there! London Three-Pints hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Gianluigi Buffon points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Andrea Pirlo comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

The free kick from Lamine Yamal is a dangerous one, Albert Einstein meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Albert Einstein wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. The inventor launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

The brand ambassador reads the movement before anyone else and puts Αrda Güler into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Overlap from Αrda Güler with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Αrda Güler floats a lobbed cross over the defence, Andrea Pirlo pops up behind the back line. Aerial claim from Gianluigi Buffon! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard. Tidy restart from Gianluigi Buffon along the deck to Andrea Pirlo, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Mason Mount sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Kaká switches the play to Lamine Yamal on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Lamine Yamal spreads it to Albert Einstein, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Devastating burst of pace from Albert Einstein, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Good ball from Mason Mount to Lamine Yamal, playing it quick between the lines. Lamine Yamal goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Lasisi Elenu is unmarked at the far post.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Tiger Shroff stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Kaká walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. London Three-Pints are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.