My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Julius Caesar. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Julius Caesar. Profession? Military personnel. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with their service rifle, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the frontline could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-123 (L)
Julius Caesar locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a military personnel who means business!
John F. Kennedy attacks but it's well off! Tendency to force bad shots under fatigue!
John F. Kennedy loses the leather! A statesperson would never be this careless!
Stephen Hawking gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the young scholars behind their lecture notes!
Julius Caesar, this certified GOAT candidate, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
Both teams head to the locker room. Stephen Hawking wipes his forehead with his jersey. Did you know Stephen Hawking entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Julius Caesar can't finish! The military personnel who finishes the frontline can't finish the play!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This first-ballot legend bent over at half court! Heavy feet catching up!
Turnover by Julius Caesar! Defending the frontline requires less coordination, clearly!
Jesus Christ glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this messiah!
Julius Caesar leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a military personnel after the frontline setback!
Julius Caesar replays the score in his head on a loop. John F. Kennedy tries to think about something else. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-134 (L)
John F. Kennedy gets the starting nod! A statesperson starting with their diplomatic pouch confidence!
Jesus Christ can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
Stephen Hawking with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
Julius Caesar can't contain the drive! Defending the frontline is more containable!
John F. Kennedy slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a statesperson hits the workbench!
The locker room. Jesus Christ sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? Jesus Christ once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This undisputed superstar Stephen Hawking muscles up a buzzer-beater but can't get it to fall!
John F. Kennedy, this certified GOAT candidate, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
This basketball god Jesus Christ forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
John F. Kennedy walks away muttering! Muttering about the political storm under their breath!
Jesus Christ walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to messiah life tomorrow!
Julius Caesar walks head down toward the tunnel. Stephen Hawking drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Did you know that Stephen Hawking practices military personnel on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
89-134 (L)
Julius Caesar, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The immense pressure is electric!
Julius Caesar, this solid build, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this all-time great!
This generational talent Jesus Christ dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
John F. Kennedy, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over shaky emotions under pressure!
Jesus Christ can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
End of the first half. Stephen Hawking is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Julius Caesar steps back but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
Jesus Christ slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
Stephen Hawking charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
Julius Caesar walks off in defeat! Even a military personnel's skills couldn't save tonight!
Julius Caesar closes his eyes walking out. John F. Kennedy keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
78-120 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
A step-back three by John F. Kennedy from mid-range is way off! Tough night for this undisputed superstar!
Julius Caesar coughs up the rock! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again driving to the hoop!
This living legend Stephen Hawking fouls reaching in! Occasional mental lapses on defense!
Julius Caesar picks up the second technical! This living legend ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Players head to the locker room. Julius Caesar has tape on three fingers. Intel: Julius Caesar refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Jesus Christ misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Jesus Christ can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of competing the game!
Julius Caesar coughs it up! A military personnel's grip doesn't work on the basketball!
Stephen Hawking stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
This living legend Julius Caesar stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this living legend wanted.
Julius Caesar walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Stephen Hawking speeds up. Wants it to be over. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
82-127 (L)
John F. Kennedy stretches center court! Loosening up, the statesperson is getting ready!
Stephen Hawking launches a scoop layup and... Airball! Hot head at its peak!
This all-time great John F. Kennedy commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Stephen Hawking caught flat-footed! Standing still, the university professor reflexes took a nap!
Jesus Christ can't mask the disappointment! This basketball god wearing it on the sleeve!
The locker room fills up. Stephen Hawking has already eaten three oranges. Quick anecdote about Stephen Hawking: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Stephen Hawking with the off-balance layup! This franchise cornerstone couldn't set the feet!
Julius Caesar bends over during the dead ball! This household name gathering what's left!
This living legend John F. Kennedy gets pickpocketed in the paint! Sloppy handling!
This first-ballot legend John F. Kennedy slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Stephen Hawking looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a university professor!
Julius Caesar punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. John F. Kennedy slides down the wall to the floor. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
73-117 (L)
Julius Caesar opens with a fadeaway jumper! This certified GOAT candidate making an early statement!
Stephen Hawking short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their lecture notes!
John F. Kennedy with the backcourt violation! This undisputed superstar under too much pressure!
Stephen Hawking reacts too late to rotate! Sometimes predictable game on the help side!
This household name John F. Kennedy gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break. Stephen Hawking collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jesus Christ, this global icon, comes up empty! A bucket off target back to the basket!
John F. Kennedy stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a statesperson over the political storm!
Julius Caesar throws it into the stands! What was that from this generational talent!
Julius Caesar argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to defending the frontline!
This potential GOAT John F. Kennedy shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
John F. Kennedy mutters 'damn' under his breath. Julius Caesar says 'yeah' in the same tone. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
85-129 (L)
The game begins and John F. Kennedy is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Jesus Christ, this household name, sends the basketball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jesus Christ loses possession! The game never leaves a messiah's hands like that!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ gives up the offensive rebound! Injury-prone body when boxing out!
Jesus Christ glares at the scoreboard! This once-in-a-lifetime player not happy with the situation!
Break! Jesus Christ rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know Jesus Christ started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
John F. Kennedy air-mails a thunderous slam driving to the hoop! Way off for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Jesus Christ is running on fumes! The messiah tank is completely empty!
Julius Caesar turns it over at right from the tip-off! A military personnel dropping their service rifle at the worst time!
John F. Kennedy mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Julius Caesar unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. John F. Kennedy runs a hand down his face. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
77-122 (L)
Julius Caesar sets the tone early! The military personnel came to play tonight!
John F. Kennedy misses the open look! This global icon can't believe it! Hot head!
Stephen Hawking, this do-it-all player, gets called for the carry! Hot head in ball-handling!
Jesus Christ watches helplessly! A messiah watching the game fall off the shelf!
This global icon John F. Kennedy fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Halftime whistle. John F. Kennedy spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. They say John F. Kennedy eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ misses the mark! A buzzer beater goes begging back to the basket!
John F. Kennedy waves for a timeout! The statesperson needs the political storm break!
Stephen Hawking, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
John F. Kennedy mouths off on a strategic timeout! A statesperson venting about the political storm!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite nerves of steel effort.
Stephen Hawking slams his fist on the bench. Jesus Christ places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
77-121 (L)
Stephen Hawking, this all-time great, draws first blood! A finger roll to start!
John F. Kennedy can't buy a bucket! Another miss in the paint! Frustrating!
Jesus Christ commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This generational talent Julius Caesar can't recover! Scored on along the baseline! Ego the size of Texas!
Stephen Hawking drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a university professor's spirit has limits!
Break. Jesus Christ's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Stephen Hawking, this swiss-army-knife type, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Injury-prone body!
Stephen Hawking gulps water! As thirsty as a university professor reaching for the young scholars!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass from the left corner!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Julius Caesar lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential GOAT will learn from this.
Stephen Hawking snaps at the bench on his way out. Julius Caesar says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I had a revelation: Julius Caesar runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
81-126 (L)
Stephen Hawking starts in the sixth man! Playing the sixth man the way a university professor plays with their lecture notes!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
Julius Caesar goes to work into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
John F. Kennedy throws their hands up! Like a statesperson when their diplomatic pouch breaks!
Halftime whistle! John F. Kennedy slides down against the hallway wall. Little secret: John F. Kennedy has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Jesus Christ penetrates the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Occasional mental lapses!
Stephen Hawking launches but the legs won't cooperate! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
John F. Kennedy throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure from mid-range!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! This all-time great is visibly upset!
John F. Kennedy tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we navigates better, like the political storm!'
Stephen Hawking sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. John F. Kennedy winces. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-133 (L)
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!
Stephen Hawking can't convert! The university professor's touch with the young scholars deserted them!
Julius Caesar, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the Spalding!
Jesus Christ bites on the pump fake! This first-ballot legend sent flying driving to the hoop!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. Jesus Christ wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Physio's confession: Jesus Christ purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Jesus Christ clanks another one off the rim! This guy with rings on every finger needs to find rhythm!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, looks exhausted from way beyond the arc! The legs are gone!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
Jesus Christ looks to the heavens! A messiah praying for their bare hands to work!
John F. Kennedy refuses to make excuses! A statesperson owns the political storm failures too!
Jesus Christ watches the crowd file out in silence. John F. Kennedy prefers not to look. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Game time! Stephen Hawking and this certified GOAT candidate ready to put on a show at the gymnasium!
Jesus Christ puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Julius Caesar with the backcourt violation! A military personnel going backwards with the frontline!
This franchise cornerstone Stephen Hawking commits the and-one foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in positioning!
This basketball god Jesus Christ can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Finally a breather. Jesus Christ has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. I've been told Jesus Christ once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
John F. Kennedy shoots an air ball in a hostile crowd! A statesperson lost in the noise!
This living legend John F. Kennedy can barely jump! The springs are gone from the left corner!
Julius Caesar with a wild pass that sails out! This certified GOAT candidate giving it away!
John F. Kennedy, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
Stephen Hawking pulls his cap down over his eyes. John F. Kennedy doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-133 (L)
This basketball god Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
John F. Kennedy with a wild attempt! This potential GOAT not finding the range tonight!
Julius Caesar turns it over in the right wing! Butterfingers from this military personnel!
Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
Julius Caesar dishes angrily after the turnover! This potential GOAT spiraling!
Back to the locker room. John F. Kennedy's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Exclusive: John F. Kennedy was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
John F. Kennedy can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the leather differently than the political storm!
Stephen Hawking cramps up! Muscles tight from their lecture notes and the Spalding double duty!
John F. Kennedy trips up in half court! A statesperson never trips at work... Right?
Stephen Hawking kicks the air! The frustration of a university professor who knows they can do better!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Stephen Hawking lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jesus Christ decides not to comment. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Stephen Hawking's name. Forgive me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-119 (L)
John F. Kennedy, this basketball god, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a messiah would cringe!
Stephen Hawking with the careless pass! Challenging the young scholars with more care, please!
John F. Kennedy gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
John F. Kennedy buries their face! Hidden from view, the statesperson can't watch!
Rest. John F. Kennedy buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know John F. Kennedy keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Stephen Hawking launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the young scholars, and it shows!
Stephen Hawking grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their lecture notes in the workshop!
Julius Caesar double-dribbles! Defending the frontline doesn't have that rule!
John F. Kennedy, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
This guy with rings on every finger Julius Caesar tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jesus Christ taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Stephen Hawking walks through the door without pushing it. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-123 (L)
Julius Caesar comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the military personnel means business!
Julius Caesar forces a bad tear drop! This guy with rings on every finger needs to trust teammates!
John F. Kennedy gets picked! A statesperson getting the political storm stolen in broad daylight!
Jesus Christ scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!
This hall-of-fame lock John F. Kennedy throws an elbow in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
End of the second quarter. Stephen Hawking is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know Stephen Hawking started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
John F. Kennedy can't score in the fourth quarter! This statesperson is way off tonight!
Stephen Hawking, this all-time great, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Julius Caesar botches the handoff! Even their service rifle exchanges go smoother!
Stephen Hawking sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a university professor after a long shift!
Jesus Christ had the chances but couldn't convert. This first-ballot legend left wanting.
John F. Kennedy closes his eyes walking out. Stephen Hawking keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Julius Caesar.
Season journal
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