My dream soccer team — football_team 🇿🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Evidence Makgopa's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Thapelo Maseko! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Evidence Makgopa climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Thapelo Maseko films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Khuliso Mudau intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Tshepang Moremi put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Ronwen Williams parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Mbekezeli Mbokazi launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Khuliso Mudau throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Khuliso Mudau to Tshepang Moremi, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Tshepang Moremi sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Tshepang Moremi fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Toboho Mokoena throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Toboho Mokoena, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Ronwen Williams sparks the transition with a quick throw to Tshepang Moremi, the break is lightning fast. Tshepang Moremi launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Tshepang Moremi was flying. Lightning overlap from Tshepang Moremi, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Tshepang Moremi, Thapelo Maseko receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Ronwen Williams palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Ronwen Williams has covered seven kilometres already." Toboho Mokoena shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Ronwen Williams fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Ronwen Williams is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 184, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Ronwen Williams comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Relebohile Mofokeng goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Ronwen Williams parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Khuliso Mudau clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Aubrey Modiba with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Aubrey Modiba to Evidence Makgopa, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Ronwen Williams getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Mbekezeli Mbokazi wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Khuliso Mudau. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Mbekezeli Mbokazi links up with Relebohile Mofokeng, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Toboho Mokoena is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Aubrey Modiba clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Tshepang Moremi curls a cross to the near post, Aubrey Modiba is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Ronwen Williams slides on his knees across the wet turf, Khuliso Mudau piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Toboho Mokoena winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Toboho Mokoena does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Thapelo Maseko launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Ronwen Williams arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Tshepang Moremi sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Tshepang Moremi dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Aubrey Modiba arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Aubrey Modiba places his header from the cross by Evidence Makgopa, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Khuliso Mudau sends an aerial beauty to Thapelo Maseko, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Relebohile Mofokeng, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Thapelo Maseko is there to gobble it up. Thapelo Maseko drifts just offside as Relebohile Mofokeng plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Khuliso Mudau, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Toboho Mokoena threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Thapelo Maseko bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Thapelo Maseko! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Thapelo Maseko takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Aubrey Modiba is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Khuliso Mudau, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Khuliso Mudau adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 31, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Relebohile Mofokeng jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Aubrey Modiba, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Aubrey Modiba, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Thalente Mbatha to Aubrey Modiba, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Aubrey Modiba, Thapelo Maseko receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Thapelo Maseko! The goal was empty, Mbekezeli Mbokazi puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Mbekezeli Mbokazi slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Mbekezeli Mbokazi slides a beauty through the gap, Thapelo Maseko is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Thapelo Maseko goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Ronwen Williams runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Khuliso Mudau joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Mbekezeli Mbokazi puts Thapelo Maseko into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Thapelo Maseko wants to find Toboho Mokoena between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Tshepang Moremi to Thapelo Maseko, they bypass the wall with the combination. Thapelo Maseko shifts it to Relebohile Mofokeng with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Aubrey Modiba exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Ronwen Williams just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Ronwen Williams legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Tshepang Moremi tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Tshepang Moremi presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Tshepang Moremi, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Tshepang Moremi! On the inswinging cross from Thapelo Maseko, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Tshepang Moremi right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Mbekezeli Mbokazi tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Ronwen Williams has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Aubrey Modiba, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Aubrey Modiba! It fizzes between the lines and Khuliso Mudau collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Khuliso Mudau sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Aubrey Modiba rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Mbekezeli Mbokazi jumps on his back, Ronwen Williams is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Ronwen Williams points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Mbekezeli Mbokazi comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Evidence Makgopa places it inside the post from the cross by Tshepang Moremi, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Evidence Makgopa mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Toboho Mokoena plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Ronwen Williams plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Toboho Mokoena is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Evidence Makgopa adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Aubrey Modiba sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 31, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Toboho Mokoena high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Tshepang Moremi, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Thapelo Maseko. Thapelo Maseko crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Khuliso Mudau in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Tshepang Moremi, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Tshepang Moremi pretends to strike and lays it off to Thapelo Maseko, well worked short free kick. Thapelo Maseko takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Thapelo Maseko! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Khuliso Mudau on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Khuliso Mudau picks out Khuliso Mudau with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Khuliso Mudau eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Khuliso Mudau pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Khuliso Mudau finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Khuliso Mudau, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Khuliso Mudau opens up to Aubrey Modiba on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Aubrey Modiba there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Relebohile Mofokeng, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Ronwen Williams grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Aubrey Modiba is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Khuliso Mudau and Evidence Makgopa, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Evidence Makgopa spots the gap and sends Tshepang Moremi into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Tshepang Moremi sets it for Khuliso Mudau, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Khuliso Mudau slips Khuliso Mudau in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Aubrey Modiba lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Khuliso Mudau down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Khuliso Mudau was beyond the last man when Khuliso Mudau released the pass. Relebohile Mofokeng scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Toboho Mokoena grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Thapelo Maseko pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Ronwen Williams to Khuliso Mudau, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Khuliso Mudau to the near post and wins the header. Khuliso Mudau was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! Sumptuous header on the cross from Evidence Makgopa, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Ronwen Williams stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Khuliso Mudau comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Thapelo Maseko reads the movement from Tshepang Moremi and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Tshepang Moremi! On the gift from Evidence Makgopa, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Thapelo Maseko stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Aubrey Modiba follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Ronwen Williams plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Tshepang Moremi shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Thapelo Maseko. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Thapelo Maseko looks for Khuliso Mudau but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Thalente Mbatha hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Thalente Mbatha loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Thapelo Maseko is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Relebohile Mofokeng and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Ronwen Williams owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 184, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Aubrey Modiba leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Thalente Mbatha launches it to Tshepang Moremi on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Khuliso Mudau! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Thapelo Maseko is away on his own. That is velvet. Thapelo Maseko bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Relebohile Mofokeng triggers a change of flanks for Thapelo Maseko, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Thapelo Maseko, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Relebohile Mofokeng, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Toboho Mokoena played as a cross, Tshepang Moremi positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Tshepang Moremi, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Ronwen Williams! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Evidence Makgopa to Thalente Mbatha, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Thalente Mbatha spreads the play and finds Toboho Mokoena in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Toboho Mokoena plays it simple to Thapelo Maseko, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Thapelo Maseko puts it right into the feet of Evidence Makgopa, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Toboho Mokoena spreads it to Khuliso Mudau, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Khuliso Mudau tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Khuliso Mudau, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Ronwen Williams launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Khuliso Mudau after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Khuliso Mudau to Evidence Makgopa, faster than the opposition can think. Evidence Makgopa gifts Aubrey Modiba a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Khuliso Mudau and Toboho Mokoena do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Khuliso Mudau turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Evidence Makgopa, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Evidence Makgopa! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Evidence Makgopa sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Evidence Makgopa legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Relebohile Mofokeng tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Thapelo Maseko finds the gap and serves Relebohile Mofokeng in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Relebohile Mofokeng, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Tshepang Moremi does not fancy the shot and goes short to Khuliso Mudau, trying to disorganise the defence. Khuliso Mudau beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Khuliso Mudau rolls it to Evidence Makgopa, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Evidence Makgopa and Thalente Mbatha blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Ronwen Williams eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Thapelo Maseko pulls Ronwen Williams away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Toboho Mokoena takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Toboho Mokoena over the entire defence, Aubrey Modiba finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Ronwen Williams! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Ronwen Williams to Khuliso Mudau, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Khuliso Mudau wants to push higher. Evidence Makgopa reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Evidence Makgopa, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Khuliso Mudau, standing at 181, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Toboho Mokoena is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Toboho Mokoena delivers a tidy ball to Relebohile Mofokeng, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Relebohile Mofokeng that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Khuliso Mudau sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Mbekezeli Mbokazi absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Evidence Makgopa into Khuliso Mudau, right into the boots. No waste. Khuliso Mudau turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Mbekezeli Mbokazi. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Mbekezeli Mbokazi! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Tshepang Moremi is beside himself. Tidy restart from Ronwen Williams along the deck to Khuliso Mudau, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Khuliso Mudau shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Thapelo Maseko chips his cross over the back line, Khuliso Mudau is at the far post, free as a bird. Khuliso Mudau goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Relebohile Mofokeng finds Khuliso Mudau between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Khuliso Mudau switches the play to Khuliso Mudau on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Khuliso Mudau dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Khuliso Mudau goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Thapelo Maseko, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Thapelo Maseko shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Thapelo Maseko... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Ronwen Williams eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Thapelo Maseko pulls Ronwen Williams away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Aubrey Modiba. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Evidence Makgopa! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Evidence Makgopa takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Relebohile Mofokeng follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Evidence Makgopa plays the simple ball to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Mbekezeli Mbokazi pulls it back along the ground for Evidence Makgopa, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Evidence Makgopa! On the genius pass from Toboho Mokoena, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Evidence Makgopa climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Relebohile Mofokeng films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Tshepang Moremi followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Tshepang Moremi treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Tshepang Moremi stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Toboho Mokoena comes over and hugs him without a word.

Toboho Mokoena delivers an inswinging free kick, Evidence Makgopa at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Evidence Makgopa, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Thapelo Maseko hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Khuliso Mudau wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Aubrey Modiba! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Aubrey Modiba to Tshepang Moremi, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Tshepang Moremi, Toboho Mokoena had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Relebohile Mofokeng gives it to Thalente Mbatha into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Thalente Mbatha, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Ronwen Williams winces. Khuliso Mudau looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Tshepang Moremi once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 26-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Toboho Mokoena sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Tshepang Moremi powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Tshepang Moremi floats a cross in from the wing for Khuliso Mudau, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Thalente Mbatha changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Aubrey Modiba. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Aubrey Modiba who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Toboho Mokoena picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Toboho Mokoena delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Thapelo Maseko hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Ronwen Williams throws it out quickly to Evidence Makgopa, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Evidence Makgopa to Tshepang Moremi, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Tshepang Moremi who crosses to the near post for Aubrey Modiba. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Ronwen Williams runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Relebohile Mofokeng joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Thapelo Maseko is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Mbekezeli Mbokazi heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Mbekezeli Mbokazi looks up and launches a long pass towards Khuliso Mudau. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Khuliso Mudau to Thapelo Maseko, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Thapelo Maseko, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Evidence Makgopa and Thapelo Maseko are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Evidence Makgopa. "Next time," replies Thapelo Maseko. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Evidence Makgopa tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Evidence Makgopa follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Tshepang Moremi! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Evidence Makgopa fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Thalente Mbatha plays the medic running in. Ronwen Williams plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Aubrey Modiba sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Aubrey Modiba, threading it through for Tshepang Moremi, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Tshepang Moremi! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Mbekezeli Mbokazi with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! On the pass from Tshepang Moremi, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Mbekezeli Mbokazi spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Relebohile Mofokeng gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Toboho Mokoena into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Khuliso Mudau, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Relebohile Mofokeng drops a lofted ball to Tshepang Moremi, it sails over the entire midfield line. Tshepang Moremi lofts a cross into the box, Relebohile Mofokeng is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Relebohile Mofokeng rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Thalente Mbatha aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 26 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Thalente Mbatha just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Evidence Makgopa, standing 188, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Thalente Mbatha sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Ronwen Williams fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Relebohile Mofokeng plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Aubrey Modiba refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Aubrey Modiba commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Aubrey Modiba picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Aubrey Modiba tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Thapelo Maseko comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Aubrey Modiba in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Tshepang Moremi puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Tshepang Moremi reaches the byline and cuts it back for Relebohile Mofokeng arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Ronwen Williams dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Aubrey Modiba! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Aubrey Modiba, the ball skims the grass and finds Khuliso Mudau who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Khuliso Mudau rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Ronwen Williams distributes short to Thapelo Maseko, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Thapelo Maseko to Aubrey Modiba, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Aubrey Modiba drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Toboho Mokoena is a dangerous one, Evidence Makgopa meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Evidence Makgopa loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Ronwen Williams! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Ronwen Williams walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Aubrey Modiba follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Khuliso Mudau rips through the defensive curtain, Aubrey Modiba is flying into the space like an arrow. Aubrey Modiba looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Khuliso Mudau mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Toboho Mokoena raises Khuliso Mudau's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Ronwen Williams plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Khuliso Mudau clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Thapelo Maseko, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Thalente Mbatha on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Thalente Mbatha dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Thalente Mbatha booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Thalente Mbatha plays a low free kick into the box, Thapelo Maseko cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Ronwen Williams hoofs it forward towards Relebohile Mofokeng, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Relebohile Mofokeng, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Mbekezeli Mbokazi brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Mbekezeli Mbokazi, he puts it on the far post for Khuliso Mudau. Khuliso Mudau tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Ronwen Williams is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Mbekezeli Mbokazi! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Mbekezeli Mbokazi slides it to Khuliso Mudau, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Thapelo Maseko is biting {his} nails in the corner. Ronwen Williams stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Khuliso Mudau once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 31-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Evidence Makgopa leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Khuliso Mudau lays it off first time to Thapelo Maseko, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Thapelo Maseko keeps it short to Tshepang Moremi, no frills, just good football intelligence. Tshepang Moremi takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Tshepang Moremi tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Thalente Mbatha's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Khuliso Mudau boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Khuliso Mudau launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Khuliso Mudau, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Relebohile Mofokeng tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Mbekezeli Mbokazi sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Toboho Mokoena bounces off Khuliso Mudau, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Toboho Mokoena and the entire defence is eliminated, Thapelo Maseko is through on goal. The space is enormous. Thapelo Maseko is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Aubrey Modiba is shaking his head. Short distribution from Ronwen Williams to Toboho Mokoena, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Toboho Mokoena, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Aubrey Modiba reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Aubrey Modiba to Relebohile Mofokeng, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Relebohile Mofokeng looks for Evidence Makgopa with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Relebohile Mofokeng kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Khuliso Mudau does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Ronwen Williams kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Thapelo Maseko takes a knee behind him. Ronwen Williams raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Aubrey Modiba and Evidence Makgopa, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Aubrey Modiba! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Aubrey Modiba legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Evidence Makgopa tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Khuliso Mudau and Thalente Mbatha, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Thalente Mbatha, Tshepang Moremi arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Tshepang Moremi winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Khuliso Mudau strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Relebohile Mofokeng points at it, jaw on the floor. Ronwen Williams shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Evidence Makgopa, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Evidence Makgopa, finding Thalente Mbatha in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Thalente Mbatha to Thapelo Maseko, the ball drifts into the free zone and Thapelo Maseko is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Aubrey Modiba, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Aubrey Modiba takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Thalente Mbatha got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 26 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Khuliso Mudau is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Tshepang Moremi down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Tshepang Moremi looks up and swings in a floated cross, Relebohile Mofokeng rises among the defenders. Cross from Relebohile Mofokeng far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Thapelo Maseko on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Thapelo Maseko for Mbekezeli Mbokazi in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Mbekezeli Mbokazi unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Tshepang Moremi! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Evidence Makgopa picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Evidence Makgopa thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Mbekezeli Mbokazi's pass. Ronwen Williams goes long for Khuliso Mudau, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Khuliso Mudau sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Thalente Mbatha is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Relebohile Mofokeng to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Mbekezeli Mbokazi with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Mbekezeli Mbokazi fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Relebohile Mofokeng, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Aubrey Modiba sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Evidence Makgopa is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Evidence Makgopa is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Aubrey Modiba's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Aubrey Modiba feeds Khuliso Mudau in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Thalente Mbatha, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Thalente Mbatha shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Ronwen Williams distributes by hand to Relebohile Mofokeng on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Relebohile Mofokeng wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Thapelo Maseko pings a long diagonal to Khuliso Mudau, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Khuliso Mudau! Khuliso Mudau picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Khuliso Mudau takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Khuliso Mudau, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Thapelo Maseko.

Points shared. Toboho Mokoena sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Tshepang Moremi crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Khuliso Mudau! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Thapelo Maseko onto the pass from Relebohile Mofokeng produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Khuliso Mudau runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Thalente Mbatha gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Toboho Mokoena, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Relebohile Mofokeng turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Ronwen Williams, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Relebohile Mofokeng. Aerial duel lost by Relebohile Mofokeng, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Ronwen Williams stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Thalente Mbatha, header from Relebohile Mofokeng at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Thapelo Maseko pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Thapelo Maseko launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Tshepang Moremi's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Evidence Makgopa who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Ronwen Williams is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Aubrey Modiba, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Thalente Mbatha once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 26 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Evidence Makgopa wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Aubrey Modiba launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Khuliso Mudau! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Khuliso Mudau, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Aubrey Modiba there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Evidence Makgopa tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Thalente Mbatha gives it to Toboho Mokoena who returns it first time, Thalente Mbatha ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Thalente Mbatha accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Thalente Mbatha in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Thalente Mbatha combines with Tshepang Moremi from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Ronwen Williams and Mbekezeli Mbokazi do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Ronwen Williams arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Thalente Mbatha plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Thalente Mbatha. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Thalente Mbatha, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Toboho Mokoena is lurking. Aerial duel won by Toboho Mokoena in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Ronwen Williams rolls it short to Thalente Mbatha into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Thalente Mbatha finds Evidence Makgopa on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Evidence Makgopa delivers a tidy ball to Relebohile Mofokeng, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Thalente Mbatha walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Mbekezeli Mbokazi carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Powerful run from Relebohile Mofokeng, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. PENALTY! Relebohile Mofokeng is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! GOOOAL! Relebohile Mofokeng produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Relebohile Mofokeng points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Ronwen Williams comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Aubrey Modiba plays it in, Thapelo Maseko lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Aubrey Modiba is off again. Magnificent. Perfect low cut-back from Aubrey Modiba, the ball slides across the box and Khuliso Mudau just has to finish. WHAT A STOP from Ronwen Williams! The attacker did everything right but the keeper pulled off the impossible. Ronwen Williams opts for the short option to Tshepang Moremi, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Tshepang Moremi floats a ball towards Thalente Mbatha but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

Aubrey Modiba links up with Tshepang Moremi, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Tshepang Moremi steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. The ref shows Tshepang Moremi yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue. Tshepang Moremi has a go from the free kick but the wall repels it. That's that. Panicked clearance from Evidence Makgopa, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

The press from Relebohile Mofokeng pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Relebohile Mofokeng pounces. A forced gift. Telepathic pass from Relebohile Mofokeng to Khuliso Mudau, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Wasteful from Khuliso Mudau on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Mbekezeli Mbokazi throws his arms up in frustration. Huge interception from Toboho Mokoena! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Toboho Mokoena boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Khuliso Mudau goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Khuliso Mudau goes crossfield to Thalente Mbatha, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Thapelo Maseko stares at the floor. Aubrey Modiba cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Teammates were gobsmacked when Thalente Mbatha revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 26, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Khuliso Mudau leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

It's there! Istanbul Cehennem FK hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Raw emotion: Ronwen Williams cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Khuliso Mudau crouches beside him and speaks softly. Ronwen Williams jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Tshepang Moremi unleashes a raking ball out to Khuliso Mudau, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Khuliso Mudau weights his pass into the space for Thalente Mbatha who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Thalente Mbatha is caught offside from Evidence Makgopa's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Ronwen Williams plays it short to Thalente Mbatha, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Thalente Mbatha gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Ronwen Williams closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Long ball from Ronwen Williams for Evidence Makgopa who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

The free kick from Thapelo Maseko clears the defence and finds Relebohile Mofokeng in the danger area. Relebohile Mofokeng tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Ronwen Williams runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Thalente Mbatha gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Short build-up from Relebohile Mofokeng to Toboho Mokoena, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Toboho Mokoena plays off Thalente Mbatha, the return arrives right down the middle and Toboho Mokoena is free as a bird. Offside against Toboho Mokoena. Relebohile Mofokeng spotted the run but the timing was just off. Ronwen Williams takes his time and plays it short to Tshepang Moremi. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. What positioning from Tshepang Moremi! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Long kick from Ronwen Williams, Khuliso Mudau positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Brilliant switch of play from Khuliso Mudau! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Mbekezeli Mbokazi. Mbekezeli Mbokazi releases Aubrey Modiba with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Aubrey Modiba plays it back across the box for Tshepang Moremi, the low cross is inch-perfect. Tshepang Moremi puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Ronwen Williams stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Aubrey Modiba walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Istanbul Cehennem FK are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Burst of pace from Toboho Mokoena on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Toboho Mokoena pulls it back to the penalty spot for Thapelo Maseko, the defence is caught napping. Thapelo Maseko touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Toboho Mokoena scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Thalente Mbatha is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Toboho Mokoena powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. PENALTY awarded! Toboho Mokoena enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOOL from Toboho Mokoena! Penalty struck with cannonball power, the keeper is frozen. GOAL!

Toboho Mokoena mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Relebohile Mofokeng plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Ronwen Williams plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Massive punt from Ronwen Williams, sends the ball sixty yards, Relebohile Mofokeng is scrapping for it up top. Relebohile Mofokeng rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Khuliso Mudau. The far side is completely deserted. Khuliso Mudau rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Thapelo Maseko's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Big clearance from Khuliso Mudau under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Relebohile Mofokeng stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Thapelo Maseko bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A scouting report from Mbekezeli Mbokazi's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 21 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Out they come. Relebohile Mofokeng has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Tshepang Moremi to Evidence Makgopa, instant return, and Tshepang Moremi is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Tshepang Moremi picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Failed dribble from Tshepang Moremi, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. What a tackle by Thapelo Maseko! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Instinctive clearance from Thapelo Maseko who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Evidence Makgopa skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. VAR would have a field day with that. Evidence Makgopa clearly dives, no contact whatsoever. Booking for Evidence Makgopa, cheats never prosper and the ref has made that crystal clear. The wall repels Evidence Makgopa's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. Evidence Makgopa puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

Individual run from Evidence Makgopa, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Evidence Makgopa tries a nutmeg but the defender closes his legs. It has not worked, the ball is gone. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Aubrey Modiba cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Aubrey Modiba boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

That's a beauty from Khuliso Mudau! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Surging run from Khuliso Mudau from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Khuliso Mudau tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Interception from Tshepang Moremi who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Tshepang Moremi.

That's what it MEANS! Khuliso Mudau rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Ronwen Williams catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

What a disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Toboho Mokoena does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Toboho Mokoena embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. The LOB! The LOOOB! Toboho Mokoena chips the ball and lobs the keeper with a DIVINE touch! The ball makes a perfect arc and settles into the goal. SUMPTUOUS!

Solidarity move: Toboho Mokoena grabs Thapelo Maseko who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Thapelo Maseko a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Ronwen Williams plays it along the ground to Aubrey Modiba, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Aubrey Modiba takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Burst of speed from Aubrey Modiba, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

What a mess after Toboho Mokoena's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Lifesaving clearance from Evidence Makgopa! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

Evidence Makgopa swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Relebohile Mofokeng, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Relebohile Mofokeng burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Silly ball loss from Relebohile Mofokeng, the dribble was one too many in that area. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Evidence Makgopa, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Evidence Makgopa takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Unconfirmed reports suggest Khuliso Mudau received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 31-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Ronwen Williams is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

High recovery from Tshepang Moremi, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Tshepang Moremi bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. CRAAACKER from Tshepang Moremi outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Ronwen Williams lumps it long towards Mbekezeli Mbokazi, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Thalente Mbatha nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Tshepang Moremi overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Killer ball from Khuliso Mudau through the gap! Toboho Mokoena bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Toboho Mokoena picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Ronwen Williams boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Thalente Mbatha! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Thalente Mbatha slips Toboho Mokoena in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Toboho Mokoena gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Toboho Mokoena has it running through his veins.

Ronwen Williams fires it out quickly by hand to Aubrey Modiba, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Incredible burst of pace from Aubrey Modiba, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Great vision from Toboho Mokoena who switches to Mbekezeli Mbokazi. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Mbekezeli Mbokazi goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Overlap from Mbekezeli Mbokazi on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Pull-back from Mbekezeli Mbokazi along the ground, Khuliso Mudau is in position in the area. Clean as you like. Khuliso Mudau fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

Lovely use of the ball by Thalente Mbatha, finding Toboho Mokoena in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Toboho Mokoena delivers a tidy ball to Relebohile Mofokeng, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nutmeg from Relebohile Mofokeng, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Relebohile Mofokeng tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try.

A draw — that grey zone. Aubrey Modiba signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Khuliso Mudau adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Oh no, it's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Oh what a challenge! Mbekezeli Mbokazi goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Relebohile Mofokeng chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

Mbekezeli Mbokazi runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Relebohile Mofokeng gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Ronwen Williams smashes a volley towards Khuliso Mudau, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Crossfield pass from Khuliso Mudau to Thapelo Maseko, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Thapelo Maseko wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Inch-perfect tackle by Khuliso Mudau, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Khuliso Mudau throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Khuliso Mudau is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Lovely claim from Ronwen Williams! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Thalente Mbatha decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Thalente Mbatha loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Khuliso Mudau sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Mbekezeli Mbokazi sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Khuliso Mudau nods but does not look up. The 34-year-old Ronwen Williams reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 184, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Second half underway and Aubrey Modiba is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Aubrey Modiba reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Aubrey Modiba was quicker. Aubrey Modiba spots Thapelo Maseko in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Masterful aerial duel from Thapelo Maseko, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Thapelo Maseko is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Thapelo Maseko was barely on his way up.

Enormous run from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Mbekezeli Mbokazi brings down the attacker to kill the counter. Cynical, but effective. Mbekezeli Mbokazi is cautioned for a deliberate trip on the counter-attack. Cold-blooded decision. The wall stops Mbekezeli Mbokazi's free kick! The defenders didn't budge, solid as a rock. Khuliso Mudau floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Magnificent tackle from Aubrey Modiba! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Aubrey Modiba gives it to Thapelo Maseko into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Thapelo Maseko charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Short build-up from Thapelo Maseko to Khuliso Mudau, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Massive clearance from Khuliso Mudau in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Mbekezeli Mbokazi spreads it to Evidence Makgopa, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Evidence Makgopa clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Relebohile Mofokeng sends Thalente Mbatha into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. OHHH Thalente Mbatha strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Thalente Mbatha fires the ball over to Evidence Makgopa with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Evidence Makgopa launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Khuliso Mudau, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Dominant header from Khuliso Mudau on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Khuliso Mudau plays it simple to Thapelo Maseko, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Points shared. Aubrey Modiba sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Mbekezeli Mbokazi crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Ronwen Williams slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Khuliso Mudau photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Khuliso Mudau clatters into the opponent to stop a three-on-two. Pragmatic to the core. Yellow card for Khuliso Mudau, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship. Khuliso Mudau curls his free kick, the wall jumps but the ball goes past, the keeper is stunned!

Brilliant interception from Aubrey Modiba, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Aubrey Modiba drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Thapelo Maseko read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. GOOOOAL! Thapelo Maseko was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Aubrey Modiba dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Khuliso Mudau can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Ronwen Williams claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

It's hit the back of the net! London Three-Pints lead and we look completely lost.

Free kick from Tshepang Moremi, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Aubrey Modiba is onto it! Aubrey Modiba launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Tshepang Moremi, it flies wide. Agonising. Mbekezeli Mbokazi clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Relebohile Mofokeng beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Khuliso Mudau grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Evidence Makgopa is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Now Tshepang Moremi — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 178, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' And the second half is go! Ronwen Williams charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Tshepang Moremi nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. The attacker is scythed down by Tshepang Moremi. A wild, reckless challenge that could end a career. Tshepang Moremi is cautioned for dangerous play. That high foot endangered everyone around him. Short free kick, Tshepang Moremi to Mbekezeli Mbokazi, tactical combination to unlock the defence. Smooth transition from Mbekezeli Mbokazi to Relebohile Mofokeng, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Sideways ball from Khuliso Mudau to Khuliso Mudau, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box.

Aubrey Modiba plays it simple to Khuliso Mudau, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Backpass from Khuliso Mudau goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Khuliso Mudau senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Khuliso Mudau delivers a tidy ball to Aubrey Modiba, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Lay-off from Aubrey Modiba to Relebohile Mofokeng, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Mbekezeli Mbokazi with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Mbekezeli Mbokazi spreads it to Tshepang Moremi, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Tshepang Moremi to Toboho Mokoena, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Toboho Mokoena gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Evidence Makgopa. Evidence Makgopa tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender.

It's a goal! London Three-Pints go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Ronwen Williams is at the centre, lifted up by Toboho Mokoena and Ronwen Williams, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Ronwen Williams finds Toboho Mokoena with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Toboho Mokoena sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Khuliso Mudau. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Superb leap from Khuliso Mudau who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

Aubrey Modiba with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Solo raid from Aubrey Modiba from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Smart pass from Aubrey Modiba into the hole for Toboho Mokoena, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Strike from Toboho Mokoena that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Ronwen Williams shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Relebohile Mofokeng is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'