My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Declan Rice sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Julián Alvarez is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Julián Alvarez beats the keeper with a placed strike, it is in the back of the net!

Change of flanks from IShowSpeed, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Niko Omilana. Turnover from Niko Omilana, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Oh what a challenge! William Saliba goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. With one swing of the boot, William Saliba finds IShowSpeed on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Good run from IShowSpeed who crosses to the near post for Alessandro Bastoni. The defender is beaten to it.

Declan Rice is CUT DOWN in the box by the defender! Penalty! The referee is sure of himself, he points to the spot. The moment is VITAL, nobody is breathing in the ground! THE PENALTY IS MISSED! Declan Rice has completely missed the target, the ball flies over.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Wing switch from Philipp Lahm, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and William Saliba brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Lightning overlap from William Saliba, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

The rapper switches the play to Julián Alvarez, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Perfectly executed challenge by Julián Alvarez, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Sublime through ball from Julián Alvarez for Niko Omilana who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Niko Omilana tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Declan Rice punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." The 25-year-old Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 183, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Corner from Declan Rice and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! Monster clearance from William Saliba! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Burst of speed from the rapper down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. IShowSpeed gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Julián Alvarez. The cross from Julián Alvarez does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss.

Oh it's gone in! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Oliver Kahn throws it out quickly to Marc Cucurella, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Marc Cucurella gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Marc Cucurella puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head. Oliver Kahn grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands. Oliver Kahn opts for the short option to Declan Rice, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Marc Cucurella reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Marc Cucurella plays the simple ball to IShowSpeed, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. IShowSpeed shifts it wide to Marc Cucurella on the right, lovely ball into the space. Marc Cucurella whips in a cross at head height, William Saliba anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. William Saliba loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

IShowSpeed looks up and launches a long pass towards Julián Alvarez. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Overlap from Julián Alvarez on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Sideways ball from Julián Alvarez to Niko Omilana, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Niko Omilana sets it for Philipp Lahm, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Philipp Lahm bounces off Niko Omilana, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful.

Painful afternoon. Niko Omilana and Marc Cucurella walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Paris Saint-Glinglin's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia looks up and swings in a floated cross, Alessandro Bastoni rises among the defenders. Oh my days Alessandro Bastoni what on EARTH is that! Monumental own goal! He deflects the ball off his knee into his own net, the keeper is gobsmacked, his teammates are FUMING. What absolute HORROR!

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. William Saliba follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Oliver Kahn plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Marc Cucurella throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Marc Cucurella launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. William Saliba reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but William Saliba was quicker. William Saliba turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Alessandro Bastoni. The defence did not even have time to blink. Alessandro Bastoni has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Philipp Lahm reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Burst of speed from IShowSpeed, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. What a rush out from Oliver Kahn! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Panicked clearance from William Saliba, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Great vision from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia who finds IShowSpeed in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. The rapper is caught offside from William Saliba's through ball. Flag goes up.

The gaffer pulls up México No-Era-Penal's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Declan Rice, you have the pace. William Saliba, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Back on the estate, IShowSpeed is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 21 and standing 180, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' And we are back underway! Oliver Kahn jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Royal interception from Marc Cucurella! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Marc Cucurella spreads it to Philipp Lahm, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Philipp Lahm puts Julián Alvarez in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Dreadful pass from Julián Alvarez, lands three yards away from the target. IShowSpeed can do nothing with that.

Massive diagonal from Philipp Lahm! Niko Omilana receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. The youtuber beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Crunching tackle by Philipp Lahm on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Lovely use of the ball by Philipp Lahm, finding Julián Alvarez in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Nutmeg from Julián Alvarez on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. A tug on the shirt from Julián Alvarez, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Julián Alvarez finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Marc Cucurella cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Marc Cucurella delivers a tidy ball to Declan Rice, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Declan Rice pings a ridiculous diagonal to Marc Cucurella. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Quick exchange between Marc Cucurella and IShowSpeed, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

They've scored again! México No-Era-Penal are running riot and we can't cope.

Oliver Kahn lumps it long towards Niko Omilana, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Niko Omilana cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Rapid combination: Niko Omilana to Marc Cucurella, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Just wide from Marc Cucurella, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

Perfect parity. Niko Omilana slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Marc Cucurella watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

IShowSpeed picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. IShowSpeed finds Khvicha Kvaratskhelia with a pull-back, right in the middle of the box. The kind of ball that wins matches. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Delayed tackle from IShowSpeed, the attacker was gone ages ago by the time he hits the floor. The referee points to the SPOT! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has been brought down in the box by the defender. Huge decision, the TENSION is through the roof! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia sends the keeper the wrong way with STAGGERING ease! Penalty buried, GOOOAL!

IShowSpeed does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Oliver Kahn arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Free kick from Declan Rice looped in, the ball is dropped onto William Saliba at the penalty spot. NOOOO it is HEARTBREAK for William Saliba! Own goal! The cross from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia was harmless, HARMLESS! But William Saliba diverts it in with a completely botched clearance. The kind of OG that BREAKS you.

Declan Rice runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. IShowSpeed joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Free kick from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, he puts a whipped ball into the box and IShowSpeed is onto it! IShowSpeed meets the cross from Niko Omilana with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Oliver Kahn hoofs it forward towards IShowSpeed, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Oh dear oh dear! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Oliver Kahn and IShowSpeed do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Oliver Kahn arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Niko Omilana nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Julián Alvarez is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Philipp Lahm is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 43-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Oliver Kahn is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

IShowSpeed floats a cross in from the wing for Niko Omilana, the ball hangs in the box! OH THE VOLLEY from Niko Omilana! Sublime in execution but the ball soars over the crossbar. Oliver Kahn smashes a volley towards IShowSpeed, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Lifesaving clearance from Marc Cucurella! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Monster clearance from Oliver Kahn, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Declan Rice. Declan Rice launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Declan Rice was flying. Declan Rice scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's there! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Oliver Kahn falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then IShowSpeed arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

The press from Julián Alvarez pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Julián Alvarez pounces. A forced gift. Julián Alvarez sees the keeper six yards out and tries the lob... but the ball drops tamely into the gloves of the goalkeeper. Oliver Kahn fires it out quickly by hand to Niko Omilana, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Superb defensive work from Philipp Lahm there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Philipp Lahm boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Massive clearance from William Saliba, just get the ball as far away as possible. Philipp Lahm sends the game to the other side with a long pass to William Saliba. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Julián Alvarez, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Julián Alvarez crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Marc Cucurella is there to meet it. Oliver Kahn leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode.

Job done. Niko Omilana and Declan Rice stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia puts it right into the feet of Alessandro Bastoni, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Alessandro Bastoni squares it back for Julián Alvarez, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. GOOOOOAL for Julián Alvarez! On the genius pass from Declan Rice, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia wraps around the attacker like a python, the ref blows the whistle. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia picks up a deserved yellow. He fouled deliberately to prevent a three-on-two. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia drops the ball in from the free kick, IShowSpeed arrives at the near post. The rapper thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Long ball from Oliver Kahn for IShowSpeed who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

That's a beauty from Philipp Lahm! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Philipp Lahm finds the gap and serves Khvicha Kvaratskhelia in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Strike from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Blistering solo run from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. Dangerous play from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! He's left the ground and caught the attacker high. That's reckless. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia goes into the book for endangering the opponent. Reckless and unnecessary. Free kick played short, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia to IShowSpeed, they bypass the wall with the combination.

Almighty boot from Marc Cucurella who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Philipp Lahm wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Philipp Lahm picks out IShowSpeed with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Declan Rice. And you, Niko Omilana. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. A plumber was called to Julián Alvarez's house after the 26-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' Julián Alvarez is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

William Saliba sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Quick one-two between William Saliba and Julián Alvarez, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Superb pass from Julián Alvarez into the gap for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the defender is rooted to the spot. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia floats a ball towards Alessandro Bastoni but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Oliver Kahn plays it along the ground to Alessandro Bastoni, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Alessandro Bastoni links up with Philipp Lahm, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Julián Alvarez pings a long diagonal to Niko Omilana, completely shifts the point of attack. What a leap from Niko Omilana! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

OHHH what a strike from Niko Omilana! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Niko Omilana shoots, it ricochets off the defender's arm. Penalty! The arm made him bigger, the ref had to give it. William Saliba takes the penalty and it's miles wide! He's crumbled under the pressure.

Absolutely dreadful! Dakar Teranga FC score and we have only ourselves to blame.

The rapper finds William Saliba along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Step-overs from William Saliba, the defender has lost the ball completely. One touch football: William Saliba to Julián Alvarez, faster than the opposition can think. Brilliant cut-back from Julián Alvarez along the grass for Marc Cucurella. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Oliver Kahn rescues his side with an insane reflex save! Heroic stuff.

Draw. Declan Rice takes the time to shake every Dakar Teranga FC player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Declan Rice gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Declan Rice has it running through his veins. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOOAL! Julián Alvarez aims like a top finisher. The keeper was on the line but the ball went past him, in the net!

And that's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Rehearsed move all week: Oliver Kahn and Julián Alvarez stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Oliver Kahn plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Botched intervention from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, caught on the deck and out of position now. That'll come back to haunt him. The referee BLOWS! Penalty! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia has been hauled down in the box by a defender. The ground is BUZZING, everyone is on their feet! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia sends the keeper the wrong way from the spot. Did not even flinch.

Oliver Kahn sparks the transition with a quick throw to Julián Alvarez, the break is lightning fast. Aerial duel won by Julián Alvarez, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Philipp Lahm does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

The physio works on Khvicha Kvaratskhelia's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, you get in behind him the second we win it back. William Saliba, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Now Oliver Kahn has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 57 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' Kick-off! Alessandro Bastoni wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Corner from Declan Rice and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. Philipp Lahm clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Niko Omilana wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

Alessandro Bastoni throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Alessandro Bastoni plays it simple to IShowSpeed, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Tremendous work from IShowSpeed who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Good ball from the rapper to Niko Omilana, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

William Saliba with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Lay-off from William Saliba to Niko Omilana, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Niko Omilana spots the gap and sends IShowSpeed into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open.

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Oliver Kahn finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Declan Rice plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Oliver Kahn launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Julián Alvarez after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. What positioning from Julián Alvarez! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Julián Alvarez finds Philipp Lahm between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

The youtuber does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. The youtuber plays it simple to Philipp Lahm, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Overlap from Philipp Lahm on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Cross from Philipp Lahm too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect.

IShowSpeed puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Declan Rice charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Silly ball loss from Declan Rice, the dribble was one too many in that area. IShowSpeed steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class.

Honours even. IShowSpeed finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Niko Omilana walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. GOOOAL for IShowSpeed! Perfect downward header on the delivery from Niko Omilana, the ball bounces in front of the keeper and ends up in the net!

IShowSpeed dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Declan Rice can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Oliver Kahn claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

On the corner from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, IShowSpeed heads it at the back post but it is too high. Missed the target. Oliver Kahn goes long for Alessandro Bastoni, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Alessandro Bastoni steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Alessandro Bastoni goes crossfield to Marc Cucurella, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Marc Cucurella slides the ball into space for Niko Omilana, he is away down the middle.

Oh dear, Lagos No-Carry-Last have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Oliver Kahn climbs onto William Saliba's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Oliver Kahn circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The free kick from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia clears the defence and finds Alessandro Bastoni in the danger area. Alessandro Bastoni tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything. IShowSpeed absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Marc Cucurella jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him.

William Saliba lays it off first time to Niko Omilana, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Niko Omilana weights his pass into the space for Declan Rice who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Declan Rice just tips offside on the pass from IShowSpeed, the linesman doesn't hesitate. Harsh! VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. Disallowed by VAR! The youtuber won't get on the scoresheet. In that position, these chances are precious and this one's gone.

William Saliba rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." IShowSpeed reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 21-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Kick-off! Khvicha Kvaratskhelia wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Philipp Lahm boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Philipp Lahm gives it to Niko Omilana into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The youtuber gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it.

IShowSpeed spots the run from Niko Omilana and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Offside. Niko Omilana was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when IShowSpeed passed. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Philipp Lahm slips Khvicha Kvaratskhelia in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

IShowSpeed starts the one-two with Alessandro Bastoni, the ball comes back in stride and it is done. Two touches, three yards gained. IShowSpeed is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Niko Omilana's passes. Oliver Kahn sends an absolute rocket towards Julián Alvarez, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Good ball from Julián Alvarez to Philipp Lahm, playing it quick between the lines. Philipp Lahm takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean.

IShowSpeed sends an inswinging free kick in, Declan Rice rises for the header at the far post. Enormous leap from Declan Rice who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Declan Rice feeds Marc Cucurella in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Marc Cucurella wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Smooth transition from Julián Alvarez to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia fires the ball over to Declan Rice with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Absolutely immense from Declan Rice! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Declan Rice beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles.

Massive clearance from Philipp Lahm in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch.

A draw — that grey zone. William Saliba signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Niko Omilana adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

Alessandro Bastoni with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Oh the TOUCH from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Alessandro Bastoni fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia tries the one-two with Julián Alvarez and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia wins the battle without even touching the opponent. GOOOAL for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! On the cross from Niko Omilana, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Alessandro Bastoni thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Header lost for Alessandro Bastoni, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. IShowSpeed powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close. Instinctive clearance from IShowSpeed who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Suffocating pressure, defenders can't get out of their own half. Julián Alvarez has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over.

GOAAAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Oliver Kahn stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Philipp Lahm follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Oliver Kahn plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at William Saliba. "That is your job. 25 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Roommates on away trips confirm William Saliba sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 25, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The second period begins and Oliver Kahn launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Textbook tackle from Alessandro Bastoni there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Alessandro Bastoni decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos.

Julián Alvarez sees what nobody else sees and puts Niko Omilana through on goal with a genius through ball. Offside against the youtuber, who mistimed his run on Julián Alvarez's pass. Tidy restart from Oliver Kahn along the deck to Declan Rice, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Declan Rice swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Marc Cucurella, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Oliver Kahn mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Marc Cucurella does the wave with contortionist grace. Oliver Kahn solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Alessandro Bastoni with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Great vision from Alessandro Bastoni who switches to William Saliba. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. HEROIC rush from Oliver Kahn! He cut the line, narrowed the angle and smothers the lot. MASTERFUL! Clearance from William Saliba under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Huge interception from IShowSpeed! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match.

Short restart from Oliver Kahn to Marc Cucurella, building from the back nice and tidy. Short build-up from Marc Cucurella to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Burst of pace from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia dinks a lobbed cross for Niko Omilana, the ball clears everyone and drops perfectly.

Oliver Kahn finds Niko Omilana with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Overlap from the youtuber with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Niko Omilana sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping. Oliver Kahn climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone. Long kick from Oliver Kahn, Julián Alvarez positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Level at the final whistle. IShowSpeed and William Saliba walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

The pace is mental, nobody knows how this is going to end. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia dominates the defender in the air and meets it with his head! The ball flies into the net, GOAL!

Alessandro Bastoni rolls it to IShowSpeed, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. IShowSpeed nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. GOOOOAL! IShowSpeed places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, surgical finish!

Full moonwalk from Alessandro Bastoni, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Oliver Kahn applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Declan Rice has a crack and puts it into the crowd. The keeper didn't need to move a muscle. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Alessandro Bastoni launches himself at the attacker, no control, no timing. A horror tackle. VAR intervention! The referee listens intently to his earpiece, still no decision. Alessandro Bastoni thought he'd escaped with a yellow, but VAR corrects to red! Alessandro Bastoni is OFF! A disgusting tackle from behind, both feet off the ground. Disgraceful. The free kick from Alessandro Bastoni is floated in, William Saliba makes his run to the back post.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Niko Omilana reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Now Declan Rice — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 188, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' Back on the pitch and Declan Rice is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Corner from IShowSpeed, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Declan Rice bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. No joy for Declan Rice, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. Classy interception from Julián Alvarez, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

William Saliba to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar! Corner from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably. IShowSpeed launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Declan Rice shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for William Saliba. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The assistant spots it, William Saliba was offside by a whisker when Declan Rice played the ball. Quick throw from Oliver Kahn to IShowSpeed out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Diagonal from IShowSpeed to Marc Cucurella, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Niko Omilana is all alone at the back post on the corner from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, he heads it but it goes wide. Authoritative clearance from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The attacker crushes IShowSpeed in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. IShowSpeed was helpless. Declan Rice boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Free kick from Declan Rice played as a cross, Julián Alvarez positions himself at the far post. Julián Alvarez thumps his header on the delivery from IShowSpeed but it sails over.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Firm pass from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia into Alessandro Bastoni, right into the boots. No waste. Feint from Alessandro Bastoni, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. Alessandro Bastoni pulls it back along the ground for Marc Cucurella, that is the perfect cut-back! Little shift from Marc Cucurella to IShowSpeed, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Draw. IShowSpeed takes the time to shake every Montevideo Garra-Charrúa player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Alessandro Bastoni follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-1 (W)

High recovery from Declan Rice, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Declan Rice picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Decisive glance from Philipp Lahm who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. What a CANNONBALL from Niko Omilana! The keeper was well positioned but that strike was UNSTOPPABLE.

Philipp Lahm boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Massive punt from Oliver Kahn, sends the ball sixty yards, William Saliba is scrapping for it up top. Long ball from William Saliba to Marc Cucurella, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Shifting pass from Marc Cucurella to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball drifts into the free zone and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is onto it in two strides. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Marc Cucurella launches it to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Overlap and cross from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the ball drops at the feet of Declan Rice in the heart of the box. Cross from Declan Rice repelled by the defence in the heart of the area. It is not getting through. Alessandro Bastoni clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough.

The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Declan Rice presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football.

Oliver Kahn has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Marc Cucurella is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. In a baffling move, Marc Cucurella adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 28, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' Back on the pitch and Declan Rice is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Oliver Kahn and Alessandro Bastoni do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Oliver Kahn arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. The referee's whistle goes against Declan Rice, caught the opponent late. Free kick blocked by the wall! Declan Rice couldn't find a way through. What a scramble after Alessandro Bastoni's corner! The ball just won't go away, the defense is panicking!

William Saliba launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. William Saliba slides it to Declan Rice, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Declan Rice shifts it to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Cross from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, he puts it on the far post for IShowSpeed. IShowSpeed tries to find Khvicha Kvaratskhelia with a cross but the defender cuts it out.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia keeps it short to William Saliba, no frills, just good football intelligence. William Saliba pierces the backline with a low through ball, Alessandro Bastoni latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Overlap from Alessandro Bastoni with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Great overlap from Alessandro Bastoni down the flank, pinpoint cross for William Saliba in the area. This is the moment. William Saliba delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid!

Declan Rice bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Declan Rice goes straight through the attacker with a wild sliding challenge. Bodies everywhere. Declan Rice sees yellow for a reckless high boot that caught the defender flush. The free kick is taken quickly, Declan Rice to IShowSpeed who drives forward immediately. Lay-off from IShowSpeed to William Saliba, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Julián Alvarez nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Lovely use of the ball by Julián Alvarez, finding IShowSpeed in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Wall combination between IShowSpeed and William Saliba, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward.

That's what it MEANS! Julián Alvarez rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Oliver Kahn catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are done. Absolutely done. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Oliver Kahn stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. William Saliba follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Oliver Kahn plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Alessandro Bastoni. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Extraordinary run from Alessandro Bastoni, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. MASTERFUL lob from Alessandro Bastoni! On the pass from IShowSpeed, he spots the keeper off his line and executes with a DELICATE touch. The ball floats over and sails into the goal. SUMPTUOUS GOAL!

The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. Oh no Declan Rice! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from William Saliba deserved better. Short distribution from Oliver Kahn to Declan Rice, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Oliver Kahn hurls himself at the attacker and blocks. The ball is smothered, the keeper has won the duel. William Saliba throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. IShowSpeed intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar.

Niko Omilana gives it to Philipp Lahm and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Niko Omilana is away. Devastating burst of pace from Niko Omilana, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. The youtuber tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it. Interception from Philipp Lahm right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Khvicha Kvaratskhelia: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." The 25-year-old William Saliba has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 192, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' Second half underway and Oliver Kahn is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Oliver Kahn plays it short to Alessandro Bastoni, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Masterful aerial duel from Alessandro Bastoni, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Lay-off from Alessandro Bastoni to Declan Rice, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Declan Rice slides a beauty through the gap, Philipp Lahm is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

Enormous clearance from Marc Cucurella inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. IShowSpeed anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Emergency clearance from IShowSpeed, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, IShowSpeed gets across the near post first. The cross from IShowSpeed is miles away from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, completely off the mark.

One touch football: Julián Alvarez to Niko Omilana, faster than the opposition can think. Short pass from the youtuber to Philipp Lahm, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Body feint from Philipp Lahm, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. Failed dribble from Philipp Lahm, he tried the skill but the timing was off.

Niko Omilana feeds Philipp Lahm in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Delicious through ball from Philipp Lahm, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Niko Omilana is there to gobble it up. Niko Omilana puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

Points shared. Oliver Kahn sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. IShowSpeed crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

3-2 (W)

The rapper bends the ball into the box for Philipp Lahm. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Philipp Lahm produces the goal of the YEAR! Overhead kick on the cross from Declan Rice, the ball flies in and nobody can do a THING about it! GOAL of LEGEND, everyone is in SHOCK!

They've done it! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Three-man routine: Oliver Kahn, Marc Cucurella and Oliver Kahn do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Lovely use of the ball by Julián Alvarez, finding IShowSpeed in a tight pocket of space. Quality. IShowSpeed swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. The rapper was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

Julián Alvarez places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Oliver Kahn falls to his knees bowing. Oliver Kahn does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Flash wall from Philipp Lahm for IShowSpeed who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. GOOOOOAL! IShowSpeed places it inside the post from the cross by Declan Rice, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Blistering run from Declan Rice on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Declan Rice to Alessandro Bastoni, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. IShowSpeed stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. William Saliba bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. In a baffling move, Niko Omilana adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 28, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Marc Cucurella is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia goes tactical with the short corner to Alessandro Bastoni, the defense is forced to come out. Alessandro Bastoni sends in a curling delivery, Marc Cucurella peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Marc Cucurella tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw.

The rapper spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Declan Rice. That is exactly why he is out there. Powerful run from Declan Rice down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Declan Rice goes for a desperate slide but he's about a mile away from the ball. Not his finest moment. The rapper is sent off as the last man. In that position, he knew the stakes — his team is down to ten.

Declan Rice catches the attacker with a knee-high challenge. The bench is up in arms. Players standing around with hands on hips, waiting for VAR. This is agony. Video correction! No penalty for Declan Rice, that was a dive! The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Oliver Kahn distributes by hand to Declan Rice on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Declan Rice keeps it short to Marc Cucurella, no frills, just good football intelligence. Marc Cucurella to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Oliver Kahn takes his time and plays it short to Niko Omilana. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. It is not happening for Niko Omilana, the pass to Marc Cucurella is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Oliver Kahn sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Niko Omilana photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

IShowSpeed sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. The rapper has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Three points in the bag! William Saliba sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. IShowSpeed drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

High recovery from Niko Omilana, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. GOOOOOAL signed by the youtuber! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Niko Omilana does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. William Saliba launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Oliver Kahn arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

What a block! William Saliba slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Oh my word the touch from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! A SILKY lob over the keeper, the ball descends ever so gently and nestles in the back of the net. GOAL of an ARTIST, that is top drawer football!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. William Saliba is at the centre, lifted up by Declan Rice and Oliver Kahn, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Milano Piano-Piano's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Khvicha Kvaratskhelia gives it to IShowSpeed into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The ball from IShowSpeed rips through the defensive curtain, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is flying into the space like an arrow. SHOOOOOOT from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

Lovely use of the ball by Julián Alvarez, finding William Saliba in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Quick exchange between William Saliba and Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia frees up the entire channel for Declan Rice with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Declan Rice thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Julián Alvarez's pass.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Oliver Kahn weaves through Milano Piano-Piano's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Marc Cucurella screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The physio works on Niko Omilana's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Niko Omilana, you get in behind him the second we win it back. IShowSpeed, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Word from the training ground is that Niko Omilana brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 180 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' William Saliba spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Declan Rice takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Declan Rice gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

Philipp Lahm slides it to IShowSpeed, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The overlap from IShowSpeed, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. IShowSpeed crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, IShowSpeed is in the right place. IShowSpeed sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

Brilliant tackle from Alessandro Bastoni! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. WOOOW IShowSpeed launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post! Corner cleared by the defence, the rapper was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

Inch-perfect tackle by Marc Cucurella, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Sideways ball from Marc Cucurella to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Step-overs from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Deserved booking for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, he'd been getting away with murder all half.

Masterful reading from Alessandro Bastoni who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Absolute peach from Declan Rice, threading it through for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the centre-halves are done for!

It's there! Milano Piano-Piano tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Huge tackle from Alessandro Bastoni! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! IShowSpeed accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! The rapper whips in a classic cross for Alessandro Bastoni in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

1-1 and off we go. Marc Cucurella hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Alessandro Bastoni does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. What CLASS from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

The pile at the corner flag. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Oliver Kahn arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Acceleration from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia plays it back for Philipp Lahm who finds himself face to face with the goal inside the box. GOOOOOAL for Philipp Lahm! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. Julián Alvarez is on his knees clapping, Oliver Kahn is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Oliver Kahn catapults the ball towards IShowSpeed from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Firm pass from IShowSpeed into Philipp Lahm, right into the boots. No waste. Philipp Lahm eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

The wall from Julián Alvarez is perfect for IShowSpeed who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Late challenge from IShowSpeed, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. The ref shows IShowSpeed yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue.

Brilliant switch of play from Declan Rice! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Alessandro Bastoni. Brilliant opening from Alessandro Bastoni for Marc Cucurella, frees up the entire left flank. Marc Cucurella powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Marc Cucurella gets down the left and pulls it back low, Philipp Lahm is stationed on the penalty spot.

Marc Cucurella sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Oliver Kahn sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Marc Cucurella nods but does not look up. We're hearing that Declan Rice spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 27, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' Second half underway and Julián Alvarez is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Alessandro Bastoni plays off Niko Omilana, the return arrives right down the middle and Alessandro Bastoni is free as a bird. Alessandro Bastoni hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Alessandro Bastoni. Held the opponent back by the arm. Short free kick from Alessandro Bastoni, Marc Cucurella receives in space and can play on.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Oliver Kahn points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. William Saliba comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Beautiful distribution from Oliver Kahn to Niko Omilana, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Niko Omilana intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

William Saliba hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Dominant header from Julián Alvarez on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Julián Alvarez lays it off first time to Philipp Lahm, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

William Saliba shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. William Saliba plays it into the channel for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. DUEEEEL won by Oliver Kahn! He cut the line and gathered the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! Oliver Kahn boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Niko Omilana! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Monumental ball from Niko Omilana to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Oliver Kahn kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Alessandro Bastoni takes a knee behind him. Oliver Kahn raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Corner from Declan Rice, William Saliba finds himself unmarked for the header but sends it wide. Unforgivable. Oliver Kahn distributes short to IShowSpeed, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The rapper accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The rapper pulls it back along the ground for Niko Omilana. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Draw against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Alessandro Bastoni kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Marc Cucurella does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

It's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Niko Omilana drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Julián Alvarez read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. GOOOOAL for Julián Alvarez! He plays Khvicha Kvaratskhelia in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Niko Omilana arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Philipp Lahm slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

What a tackle by Alessandro Bastoni! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Alessandro Bastoni changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Julián Alvarez. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. What a DUEL from Oliver Kahn! He narrowed the angle to the maximum, the attacker shot, but the keeper claimed it all. Driven kick from Oliver Kahn to IShowSpeed, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. IShowSpeed triggers a change of flanks for Marc Cucurella, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

The youtuber floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. The rapper dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, William Saliba. And you, Oliver Kahn. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. We're told that Niko Omilana once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Philipp Lahm spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Oliver Kahn rolls it short to Philipp Lahm into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Superb leap from Philipp Lahm who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

IShowSpeed slides it to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Declan Rice to IShowSpeed, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Oh my word, the scramble from IShowSpeed's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth! Julián Alvarez puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

William Saliba goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Incredible burst of pace from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Firm pass from Marc Cucurella into Philipp Lahm, right into the boots. No waste. Philipp Lahm goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more.

Oliver Kahn plays out from the back with Julián Alvarez, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Julián Alvarez spots Marc Cucurella in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Awful pass from Marc Cucurella, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Alessandro Bastoni lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Shared match. Alessandro Bastoni walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. William Saliba does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. OHHH the GOAL from Declan Rice! On the gift from IShowSpeed, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Declan Rice and Alessandro Bastoni do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Oliver Kahn arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Nightmare! London Three-Pints score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Raw emotion: Oliver Kahn cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, IShowSpeed crouches beside him and speaks softly. Oliver Kahn jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The one-two between Niko Omilana and IShowSpeed blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Flag raised against the youtuber. Marc Cucurella's ball was good but the timing was off. Long ball from Oliver Kahn for Khvicha Kvaratskhelia who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Firm pass from Khvicha Kvaratskhelia into Alessandro Bastoni, right into the boots. No waste. Alessandro Bastoni sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. William Saliba reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. William Saliba sends an aerial beauty to Philipp Lahm, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Philipp Lahm sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

Free kick from IShowSpeed, lovely delivery and William Saliba rises above the defence. William Saliba tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender. Corner cleared, the youtuber finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Switch from Julián Alvarez! The ball arcs over the midfield and Marc Cucurella collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Niko Omilana stares at the floor. Alessandro Bastoni cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Alessandro Bastoni sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 27, the 190-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' Niko Omilana trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Short build-up from IShowSpeed to Niko Omilana, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Niko Omilana slips Alessandro Bastoni in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Lightning one-two between Alessandro Bastoni and William Saliba, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue.

Oliver Kahn plays it along the ground to Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Ball over the top from IShowSpeed, Marc Cucurella had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

The rapper is fouled in the box, PENALTY! In that position, winning a penalty is a DEADLY weapon. The referee points to the spot, the tension is ELECTRIC. IShowSpeed steps up and shoots... wide! The penalty is missed, what a letdown.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. OHHH the rush from Oliver Kahn! He read it, charged, and smothered the ball. ONE-ON-ONE WON! Oliver Kahn distributes by hand to Niko Omilana on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Niko Omilana senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Pitch-length run from the youtuber, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory.

Dangerous delivery from the rapper on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Julián Alvarez gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post.

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Enormous anticipation from William Saliba who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. IShowSpeed goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all.

Gutting. IShowSpeed throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. William Saliba picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.