My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Adam Armstrong's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Morgan Rogers! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Adam Armstrong climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Morgan Rogers films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Trent Alexander-Arnold intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Jack Harrison put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Marc Guéhi jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Jordan Pickford parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Marc Guéhi launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Levi Colwill throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Levi Colwill to Jack Harrison, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Jack Harrison sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Jack Harrison fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Kobbie Mainoo throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Kobbie Mainoo, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Jordan Pickford sparks the transition with a quick throw to Jack Harrison, the break is lightning fast. Jack Harrison launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Jack Harrison was flying. Lightning overlap from Jack Harrison, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Jack Harrison, Morgan Rogers receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Jordan Pickford palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Jordan Pickford has covered seven kilometres already." Kobbie Mainoo shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Jordan Pickford fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Jordan Pickford is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 185, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Jordan Pickford comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Liam Delap goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Jordan Pickford parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Trent Alexander-Arnold clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Lewis Hall with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Lewis Hall to Adam Armstrong, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Jordan Pickford getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Marc Guéhi wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Levi Colwill. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Marc Guéhi links up with Liam Delap, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Kobbie Mainoo is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Lewis Hall clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Marc Guéhi! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Jack Harrison curls a cross to the near post, Lewis Hall is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Jordan Pickford slides on his knees across the wet turf, Levi Colwill piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Kobbie Mainoo winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Kobbie Mainoo does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Morgan Rogers launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Jordan Pickford arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Jack Harrison sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Jack Harrison dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Lewis Hall arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Lewis Hall places his header from the cross by Adam Armstrong, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Trent Alexander-Arnold sends an aerial beauty to Morgan Rogers, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Liam Delap, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Morgan Rogers is there to gobble it up. Morgan Rogers drifts just offside as Liam Delap plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Marc Guéhi to Trent Alexander-Arnold, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Kobbie Mainoo threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Morgan Rogers bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Morgan Rogers! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Morgan Rogers takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Lewis Hall is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Levi Colwill, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Levi Colwill adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 23, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Liam Delap jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Lewis Hall, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Lewis Hall, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Mason Mount to Lewis Hall, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Lewis Hall, Morgan Rogers receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Morgan Rogers! The goal was empty, Marc Guéhi puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Marc Guéhi slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Marc Guéhi slides a beauty through the gap, Morgan Rogers is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Morgan Rogers goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Jordan Pickford runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Trent Alexander-Arnold joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Marc Guéhi puts Morgan Rogers into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Morgan Rogers wants to find Kobbie Mainoo between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Jack Harrison to Morgan Rogers, they bypass the wall with the combination. Morgan Rogers shifts it to Liam Delap with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Lewis Hall exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Jordan Pickford just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Jordan Pickford legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Jack Harrison tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Jack Harrison presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Jack Harrison, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Jack Harrison! On the inswinging cross from Morgan Rogers, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Jack Harrison right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Marc Guéhi tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Jordan Pickford has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Lewis Hall, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Lewis Hall! It fizzes between the lines and Levi Colwill collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Levi Colwill sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Lewis Hall rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Marc Guéhi jumps on his back, Jordan Pickford is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Jordan Pickford points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Marc Guéhi comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Adam Armstrong places it inside the post from the cross by Jack Harrison, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Adam Armstrong mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Kobbie Mainoo plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Jordan Pickford plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Kobbie Mainoo is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Adam Armstrong adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Lewis Hall sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 22, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Kobbie Mainoo high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Jack Harrison, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Morgan Rogers. Morgan Rogers crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Trent Alexander-Arnold in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Jack Harrison, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Jack Harrison pretends to strike and lays it off to Morgan Rogers, well worked short free kick. Morgan Rogers takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Morgan Rogers! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Trent Alexander-Arnold on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Trent Alexander-Arnold picks out Levi Colwill with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Levi Colwill eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Levi Colwill pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Levi Colwill finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Levi Colwill, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Levi Colwill opens up to Lewis Hall on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Lewis Hall there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Liam Delap, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Jordan Pickford grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Lewis Hall is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Trent Alexander-Arnold and Adam Armstrong, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Adam Armstrong spots the gap and sends Jack Harrison into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Jack Harrison sets it for Trent Alexander-Arnold, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Trent Alexander-Arnold slips Levi Colwill in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Lewis Hall lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Levi Colwill down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Levi Colwill was beyond the last man when Trent Alexander-Arnold released the pass. Liam Delap scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Kobbie Mainoo grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Morgan Rogers pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Jordan Pickford to Trent Alexander-Arnold, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Trent Alexander-Arnold to the near post and wins the header. Trent Alexander-Arnold was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Marc Guéhi! Sumptuous header on the cross from Adam Armstrong, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Jordan Pickford stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Levi Colwill comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Morgan Rogers reads the movement from Jack Harrison and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Jack Harrison! On the gift from Adam Armstrong, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Morgan Rogers stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Lewis Hall follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Jordan Pickford plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Jack Harrison shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Morgan Rogers. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Morgan Rogers looks for Trent Alexander-Arnold but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Mason Mount hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Mason Mount loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Morgan Rogers is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Liam Delap and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Jordan Pickford owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 185, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Lewis Hall leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Mason Mount launches it to Jack Harrison on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Trent Alexander-Arnold! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Morgan Rogers is away on his own. That is velvet. Morgan Rogers bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Liam Delap triggers a change of flanks for Morgan Rogers, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Morgan Rogers, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Liam Delap, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Kobbie Mainoo played as a cross, Jack Harrison positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Jack Harrison, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Jordan Pickford! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Adam Armstrong to Mason Mount, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Mason Mount spreads the play and finds Kobbie Mainoo in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Kobbie Mainoo plays it simple to Morgan Rogers, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Morgan Rogers puts it right into the feet of Adam Armstrong, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Kobbie Mainoo spreads it to Levi Colwill, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Levi Colwill tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Levi Colwill, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Jordan Pickford launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Trent Alexander-Arnold after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Trent Alexander-Arnold to Adam Armstrong, faster than the opposition can think. Adam Armstrong gifts Lewis Hall a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Trent Alexander-Arnold and Kobbie Mainoo do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Trent Alexander-Arnold turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Adam Armstrong, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Adam Armstrong! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Adam Armstrong sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Adam Armstrong legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Liam Delap tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Morgan Rogers finds the gap and serves Liam Delap in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Liam Delap, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Jack Harrison does not fancy the shot and goes short to Trent Alexander-Arnold, trying to disorganise the defence. Trent Alexander-Arnold beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Trent Alexander-Arnold rolls it to Adam Armstrong, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Adam Armstrong and Mason Mount blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Jordan Pickford eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Morgan Rogers pulls Jordan Pickford away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Kobbie Mainoo takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Kobbie Mainoo over the entire defence, Lewis Hall finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Jordan Pickford! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Jordan Pickford to Trent Alexander-Arnold, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Levi Colwill wants to push higher. Adam Armstrong reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Adam Armstrong, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Levi Colwill, standing at 187, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Kobbie Mainoo is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Kobbie Mainoo delivers a tidy ball to Liam Delap, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Liam Delap that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Levi Colwill sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Marc Guéhi absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Adam Armstrong into Levi Colwill, right into the boots. No waste. Levi Colwill turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Marc Guéhi. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Marc Guéhi! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Jack Harrison is beside himself. Tidy restart from Jordan Pickford along the deck to Levi Colwill, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Levi Colwill shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Morgan Rogers chips his cross over the back line, Trent Alexander-Arnold is at the far post, free as a bird. Trent Alexander-Arnold goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Liam Delap finds Trent Alexander-Arnold between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Trent Alexander-Arnold switches the play to Levi Colwill on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Levi Colwill dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Levi Colwill goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Morgan Rogers, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Morgan Rogers shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Morgan Rogers... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Jordan Pickford eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Morgan Rogers pulls Jordan Pickford away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Lewis Hall. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Adam Armstrong! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Adam Armstrong takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Liam Delap follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Adam Armstrong plays the simple ball to Marc Guéhi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Marc Guéhi pulls it back along the ground for Adam Armstrong, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Adam Armstrong! On the genius pass from Kobbie Mainoo, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Adam Armstrong climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Liam Delap films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Jack Harrison followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Jack Harrison treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Jack Harrison stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Kobbie Mainoo comes over and hugs him without a word.

Kobbie Mainoo delivers an inswinging free kick, Adam Armstrong at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Adam Armstrong, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Morgan Rogers hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Levi Colwill wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Lewis Hall! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Lewis Hall to Jack Harrison, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Jack Harrison, Kobbie Mainoo had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Liam Delap gives it to Mason Mount into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Mason Mount, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Jordan Pickford winces. Trent Alexander-Arnold looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Jack Harrison once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 30-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Kobbie Mainoo sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Marc Guéhi produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Jack Harrison powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Jack Harrison floats a cross in from the wing for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Mason Mount changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Lewis Hall. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Lewis Hall who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Kobbie Mainoo picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Kobbie Mainoo delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Morgan Rogers hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Jordan Pickford throws it out quickly to Adam Armstrong, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Adam Armstrong to Jack Harrison, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Jack Harrison who crosses to the near post for Lewis Hall. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Jordan Pickford runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Liam Delap joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Morgan Rogers is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Marc Guéhi heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Marc Guéhi looks up and launches a long pass towards Levi Colwill. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Levi Colwill to Morgan Rogers, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Morgan Rogers, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Adam Armstrong and Morgan Rogers are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Adam Armstrong. "Next time," replies Morgan Rogers. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Adam Armstrong tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Adam Armstrong follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Jack Harrison! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Adam Armstrong fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Mason Mount plays the medic running in. Jordan Pickford plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Lewis Hall sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Lewis Hall, threading it through for Jack Harrison, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Jack Harrison! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Marc Guéhi with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Marc Guéhi, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Marc Guéhi! On the pass from Jack Harrison, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Marc Guéhi spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Liam Delap gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Kobbie Mainoo into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Trent Alexander-Arnold, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Liam Delap drops a lofted ball to Jack Harrison, it sails over the entire midfield line. Jack Harrison lofts a cross into the box, Liam Delap is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Liam Delap rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Mason Mount aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 27 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Mason Mount just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Adam Armstrong, standing 172, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Mason Mount sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Jordan Pickford fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Liam Delap plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Lewis Hall refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Lewis Hall commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Lewis Hall picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Lewis Hall tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Morgan Rogers comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Lewis Hall in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Jack Harrison puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Jack Harrison reaches the byline and cuts it back for Liam Delap arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Jordan Pickford dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Lewis Hall! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Lewis Hall, the ball skims the grass and finds Trent Alexander-Arnold who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Trent Alexander-Arnold rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Jordan Pickford distributes short to Morgan Rogers, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Morgan Rogers to Lewis Hall, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Lewis Hall drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Kobbie Mainoo is a dangerous one, Adam Armstrong meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Adam Armstrong loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Jordan Pickford! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Jordan Pickford walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Lewis Hall follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Trent Alexander-Arnold rips through the defensive curtain, Lewis Hall is flying into the space like an arrow. Lewis Hall looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Trent Alexander-Arnold mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Kobbie Mainoo raises Trent Alexander-Arnold's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Jordan Pickford plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Trent Alexander-Arnold clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Morgan Rogers, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Mason Mount on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Mason Mount dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Mason Mount booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Mason Mount plays a low free kick into the box, Morgan Rogers cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Jordan Pickford hoofs it forward towards Liam Delap, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Liam Delap, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Marc Guéhi brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Marc Guéhi, he puts it on the far post for Trent Alexander-Arnold. Trent Alexander-Arnold tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Jordan Pickford is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Marc Guéhi! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Marc Guéhi slides it to Trent Alexander-Arnold, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Morgan Rogers is biting {his} nails in the corner. Jordan Pickford stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Trent Alexander-Arnold once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Adam Armstrong leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Levi Colwill lays it off first time to Morgan Rogers, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Morgan Rogers keeps it short to Jack Harrison, no frills, just good football intelligence. Jack Harrison takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Jack Harrison tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Mason Mount's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Levi Colwill boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Levi Colwill launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Levi Colwill, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Liam Delap tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Marc Guéhi sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Kobbie Mainoo bounces off Levi Colwill, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Kobbie Mainoo and the entire defence is eliminated, Morgan Rogers is through on goal. The space is enormous. Morgan Rogers is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Lewis Hall is shaking his head. Short distribution from Jordan Pickford to Kobbie Mainoo, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Kobbie Mainoo, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Lewis Hall reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Lewis Hall to Liam Delap, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Liam Delap looks for Adam Armstrong with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Liam Delap kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Levi Colwill does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Jordan Pickford kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Morgan Rogers takes a knee behind him. Jordan Pickford raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Lewis Hall and Adam Armstrong, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Lewis Hall! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Lewis Hall legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Adam Armstrong tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Trent Alexander-Arnold and Mason Mount, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Mason Mount, Jack Harrison arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Jack Harrison winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Trent Alexander-Arnold strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Liam Delap points at it, jaw on the floor. Jordan Pickford shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Adam Armstrong, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Adam Armstrong, finding Mason Mount in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Mason Mount to Morgan Rogers, the ball drifts into the free zone and Morgan Rogers is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Lewis Hall, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Lewis Hall takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Mason Mount got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 27 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Levi Colwill is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Jack Harrison down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Jack Harrison looks up and swings in a floated cross, Liam Delap rises among the defenders. Cross from Liam Delap far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Morgan Rogers on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Morgan Rogers for Marc Guéhi in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Marc Guéhi unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Jack Harrison! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Adam Armstrong picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Adam Armstrong thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Marc Guéhi's pass. Jordan Pickford goes long for Levi Colwill, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Levi Colwill sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Mason Mount is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Liam Delap to Marc Guéhi, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Marc Guéhi with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Marc Guéhi fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Liam Delap, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Lewis Hall sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Adam Armstrong is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Adam Armstrong is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Lewis Hall's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Lewis Hall feeds Levi Colwill in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Mason Mount, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Mason Mount shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Jordan Pickford distributes by hand to Liam Delap on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Liam Delap wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Morgan Rogers pings a long diagonal to Levi Colwill, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Levi Colwill! Trent Alexander-Arnold picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Trent Alexander-Arnold takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Morgan Rogers.

Points shared. Kobbie Mainoo sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Jack Harrison crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Trent Alexander-Arnold! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Morgan Rogers onto the pass from Liam Delap produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Trent Alexander-Arnold runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Kobbie Mainoo gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Kobbie Mainoo, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Liam Delap turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Jordan Pickford, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Liam Delap. Aerial duel lost by Liam Delap, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Jordan Pickford stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Mason Mount, header from Liam Delap at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Morgan Rogers pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Morgan Rogers launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Jack Harrison's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Adam Armstrong who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Jordan Pickford is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Lewis Hall, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Mason Mount once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 27 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Adam Armstrong wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Lewis Hall launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Trent Alexander-Arnold! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Trent Alexander-Arnold, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Lewis Hall there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Adam Armstrong tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Mason Mount gives it to Kobbie Mainoo who returns it first time, Mason Mount ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Mason Mount accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Mason Mount in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Mason Mount combines with Jack Harrison from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Jordan Pickford and Marc Guéhi do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Jordan Pickford arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Mason Mount plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Mason Mount. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Mason Mount, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Kobbie Mainoo is lurking. Aerial duel won by Kobbie Mainoo in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Jordan Pickford rolls it short to Mason Mount into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Mason Mount finds Adam Armstrong on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Adam Armstrong delivers a tidy ball to Liam Delap, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Mason Mount walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Marc Guéhi carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Liam Delap from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Liam Delap storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Liam Delap! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Liam Delap sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Marc Guéhi snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Jordan Pickford waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Trent Alexander-Arnold with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Liam Delap spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Trent Alexander-Arnold grabs Morgan Rogers who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Morgan Rogers a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Lewis Hall to Trent Alexander-Arnold, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Trent Alexander-Arnold. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Trent Alexander-Arnold... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Marc Guéhi in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Morgan Rogers! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Morgan Rogers plays it into the channel for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Trent Alexander-Arnold aims for Morgan Rogers but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Trent Alexander-Arnold! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Trent Alexander-Arnold boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Marc Guéhi with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Marc Guéhi! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Morgan Rogers. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Jack Harrison is leaning back with {his} feet up, 175 cm of pure relaxation. Trent Alexander-Arnold is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Marc Guéhi once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 26 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Mason Mount leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Morgan Rogers unleashes a raking ball out to Kobbie Mainoo, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Kobbie Mainoo weights his pass into the space for Morgan Rogers who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Jack Harrison launches a long ball for Morgan Rogers, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Jordan Pickford plays out from the back with Marc Guéhi, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Marc Guéhi, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Jordan Pickford closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Jordan Pickford opts for the short option to Lewis Hall, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Morgan Rogers delivered with pace, Lewis Hall finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Lewis Hall is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Morgan Rogers slips Liam Delap in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Levi Colwill for Liam Delap who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Liam Delap is caught offside from Morgan Rogers's ball over the top. Jordan Pickford boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Adam Armstrong! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Adam Armstrong slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Jordan Pickford plays it along the ground to Jack Harrison, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Jack Harrison! The ball arcs over the midfield and Morgan Rogers collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Morgan Rogers releases Levi Colwill with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Levi Colwill gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Jack Harrison just needs to sidefoot it home. Jack Harrison with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Jordan Pickford walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Kobbie Mainoo follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Morgan Rogers to Mason Mount, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Mason Mount lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Jordan Pickford, Levi Colwill positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Levi Colwill explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Levi Colwill over the defence, Lewis Hall is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Marc Guéhi goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Marc Guéhi inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Morgan Rogers plays the free kick quickly to Levi Colwill, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Levi Colwill strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Adam Armstrong tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Mason Mount picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Mason Mount, it sails over the entire back four and Lewis Hall is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Jordan Pickford! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Jordan Pickford sends an absolute rocket towards Marc Guéhi, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Kobbie Mainoo claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Morgan Rogers's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 24 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Liam Delap salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Adam Armstrong overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Adam Armstrong, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Morgan Rogers. Danger. Cross from Morgan Rogers intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Morgan Rogers, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Mason Mount, lovely delivery and Adam Armstrong rises above the defence. Adam Armstrong goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Adam Armstrong to Morgan Rogers, playing it quick between the lines. Morgan Rogers wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Levi Colwill goes crossfield to Kobbie Mainoo, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Kobbie Mainoo off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Liam Delap at the far side. Jordan Pickford repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Adam Armstrong heads the corner from Mason Mount at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Lewis Hall has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Lewis Hall sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Jordan Pickford lumps it long towards Adam Armstrong, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Adam Armstrong! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Adam Armstrong feeds Morgan Rogers in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Morgan Rogers! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Jack Harrison is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Trent Alexander-Arnold pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Trent Alexander-Arnold goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Adam Armstrong! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Adam Armstrong spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Trent Alexander-Arnold kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Adam Armstrong takes a knee behind him. Jordan Pickford raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Jack Harrison rises on the delivery from Liam Delap and powers a furious header into the net!

Marc Guéhi rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Trent Alexander-Arnold. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Trent Alexander-Arnold for Mason Mount, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Mason Mount into the box, Trent Alexander-Arnold arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Jordan Pickford! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Jordan Pickford smashes a volley towards Adam Armstrong, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Adam Armstrong! Lewis Hall receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Mason Mount is chatting with Jordan Pickford about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Marc Guéhi — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 182, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Jordan Pickford is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Lewis Hall is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Lewis Hall has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Lewis Hall plays the free kick back to Levi Colwill, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Jack Harrison, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Jack Harrison grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Jack Harrison, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Jack Harrison shapes to shoot but plays it short to Adam Armstrong, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Adam Armstrong and Trent Alexander-Arnold, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Levi Colwill! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Levi Colwill feeds Trent Alexander-Arnold in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Trent Alexander-Arnold to Mason Mount, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Liam Delap gives it to Jack Harrison into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Jack Harrison has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Levi Colwill, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Jack Harrison! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Mason Mount pings a ridiculous diagonal to Kobbie Mainoo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Kobbie Mainoo is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Marc Guéhi lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Jordan Pickford grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Lewis Hall pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Mason Mount feeds Liam Delap in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Liam Delap! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Levi Colwill anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Levi Colwill beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Levi Colwill takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Adam Armstrong, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Adam Armstrong sets it for Liam Delap, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Jordan Pickford plays it short to Jack Harrison, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Jack Harrison plays the simple ball to Mason Mount, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Jordan Pickford, you have the pace. Lewis Hall, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Jordan Pickford, all 185 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Marc Guéhi leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Jordan Pickford to Adam Armstrong, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Adam Armstrong powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Adam Armstrong tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Jordan Pickford! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Jordan Pickford, sends the ball sixty yards, Jack Harrison is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Jack Harrison clears the defence and finds Liam Delap in the danger area. Liam Delap beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Liam Delap winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Jack Harrison gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Jack Harrison. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Jack Harrison earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Jack Harrison is floated in, Liam Delap makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Jordan Pickford spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Mason Mount gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Marc Guéhi swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Adam Armstrong, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Adam Armstrong wins the header and flicks it on for Mason Mount. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Adam Armstrong under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Marc Guéhi dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Kobbie Mainoo sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Adam Armstrong. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Jack Harrison drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Morgan Rogers read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Morgan Rogers, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Adam Armstrong leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Adam Armstrong racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Adam Armstrong's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Jordan Pickford for Mason Mount who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Jordan Pickford slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Mason Mount has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Jordan Pickford sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Kobbie Mainoo! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Adam Armstrong, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Liam Delap catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Liam Delap! On the pass from Mason Mount, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Liam Delap does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Jordan Pickford launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Jordan Pickford arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Mason Mount finds Kobbie Mainoo between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Kobbie Mainoo along the grass for Mason Mount. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Mason Mount trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Kobbie Mainoo had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Morgan Rogers lays it off first time to Marc Guéhi, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Marc Guéhi squares it back for Levi Colwill, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Jordan Pickford catapults the ball towards Levi Colwill from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Levi Colwill who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Levi Colwill. One touch football: Levi Colwill to Kobbie Mainoo, faster than the opposition can think.

Kobbie Mainoo starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Marc Guéhi conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Adam Armstrong was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 172, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Marc Guéhi jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Adam Armstrong, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Lewis Hall sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Jordan Pickford is at the centre, lifted up by Kobbie Mainoo and Jordan Pickford, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Kobbie Mainoo on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Kobbie Mainoo, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Levi Colwill mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Levi Colwill sends an inswinging free kick in, Jack Harrison rises for the header at the far post.

Lewis Hall cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Lewis Hall slides it to Marc Guéhi, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Marc Guéhi to Morgan Rogers, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Lewis Hall, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Trent Alexander-Arnold. Trent Alexander-Arnold tries to find Lewis Hall but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Lewis Hall goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Lewis Hall just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Kobbie Mainoo has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Jack Harrison presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Jack Harrison unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Levi Colwill frees up the entire channel for Liam Delap with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Liam Delap, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Lewis Hall.

Brilliant! Levi Colwill goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Jordan Pickford photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'