My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | My Team | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | New York Over-Timers | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Kevin Durant. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 208 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Goku. A farmer in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles seed dibber better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Goku has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat stubborn soil and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
95-118 (L)
Hulk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Off the mark for Goku! Great farmer, not so great at basketball tonight!
This certified bucket Charles Barkley loses concentration and the orange with it!
This bonafide star Larry Bird fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Goku puts it through! The reliability of a farmer with the stubborn soil!
Halftime whistle. Hulk spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. The staff told me Hulk sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Kevin Durant slams the ball in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Brick! Charles Barkley misfires from the left corner! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Larry Bird, this franchise guy, orchestrates the delay game! Scary good handles in action!
Charles Barkley, this colossus, looks exhausted from mid-range! The legs are gone!
This jersey-selling name Goku tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Larry Bird slides down the wall to the floor. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
105-117 (L)
Larry Bird, this absolute unit, sets the tone immediately! Scary good handles from the jump!
Larry Bird dishes the ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Kevin Durant, this big fella, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
Larry Bird gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
Goku, this guy everybody knows, drills another tear drop at the top of the key! Automatic!
Into the tunnel. Larry Bird grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Larry Bird tried to impress the Miami Heart-Attack players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Kevin Durant, this mountain of a man, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Ego the size of Texas!
Charles Barkley reads the defense perfectly! Iron discipline and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Kevin Durant, this reliable star, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Hulk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a scientist!
Kevin Durant's eyes are red, jaw tight. Hulk apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Did you know that Hulk practices farmer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
128-83 (W)
Game time! Charles Barkley and this jersey-selling name ready to put on a show at the gym!
Goku, this world-class player, unleashes an and-one from the left corner! Bang!
Goku posts up and creates! Another assist under the basket! Quarterback!
Larry Bird scores at will! A euro-step from way beyond the arc! This jersey-selling name domination!
Goku slides to the passing lane and steals it! Silky smooth technique!
Halftime. The doctor examines Hulk's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Hulk tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Kevin Durant attacks facing the rim and finishes with a fadeaway jumper! Too good!
Charles Barkley with the cherry on top! A floater in a blowout! Good night!
Kevin Durant, this reliable star, sneezes mid-free throw! Bless you and miss!
Goku, this versatile guy, does the shimmy! A primal scream! The arena goes crazy!
Kevin Durant goes to work the trophy! This top-tier talent adds to the collection! A hug with the coach!
Charles Barkley blows a kiss to the camera. Larry Bird blows twelve. Hulk blocks the lens. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
109-97 (W)
Charles Barkley penetrates into position! This bonafide star not wasting any time!
Kevin Durant, this big-name player, operates at half court with a step-back three! Clinic!
Goku with the rejection! Get that out of here! Farmer says no!
Hulk, this certified GOAT candidate, sets the table on the low block! Assist master!
This reliable star Kevin Durant switches defensive assignments on the fly! Unreal swagger!
That's a cut. Kevin Durant stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Small detail: Kevin Durant whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Goku strings together a free throw from mid-range. Nerves of steel on full display!
This big-name player Charles Barkley turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
This max-contract guy Larry Bird tips it to the teammate! Insane court vision on full display!
Goku, this smooth operator, makes a statement! This certified bucket is here to stay!
Hulk caps a perfect night! Clean as a scientist on their best day!
Hulk takes a bow for the crowd. Goku bows to Hulk. The nobility of basketball. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
104-93 (W)
This guy everybody knows Larry Bird opens the scoring! A reverse layup! Early advantage!
Kevin Durant steps back the Wilson into a bank shot! Next-level basketball IQ shining through!
Kevin Durant deflects the pass and starts the break! This multi-time All-Star defense to offense!
Goku orchestrates the play! Conducting the offense like a veteran farmer!
Goku sets the screen at the perfect angle! This established star cerebral play!
Players head to the locker room. Hulk has tape on three fingers. Did you know Hulk keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Larry Bird with the crafty scoop layup! Eyes in the back of the head on display!
Deafening noise! Larry Bird fires away and the building shakes!
Hulk celebrates the teammate's bucket! Joy of a scientist seeing the hidden truth succeed!
What a journey for Charles Barkley! From the bench to the spotlight! You love to see it!
Kevin Durant pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This elite player savors the win!
Hulk improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Goku plays the imaginary violin. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
132-87 (W)
Tip-off! Kevin Durant gets us started! Let's go!
Larry Bird catches fire! And it's a pull-up jumper! Unreal swagger taking over!
Hulk lobs it perfectly! Arcing it with precision worthy of their lab notebook!
Charles Barkley, this elite player, reads the play perfectly and delivers a tear drop!
This guy everybody knows Kevin Durant with the no-foul contest along the baseline! Clean as a whistle!
Halftime whistle. Kevin Durant flops into the first available chair. Did you know Kevin Durant started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
A reverse layup from Kevin Durant! This multi-time All-Star just keeps delivering!
This max-contract guy Charles Barkley and the team deliver a masterpiece! A pull-up jumper! Perfection!
Kevin Durant crosses over and the mouthguard falls apart! Wardrobe malfunction!
Charles Barkley taps the logo on the jersey! A victory dance! That's pride right there!
Goku embraces teammates! The bond of cultivating the stubborn soil together!
Goku dumps his Gatorade on Charles Barkley who screams because it was cold. Larry Bird piles on. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-105 (L)
Goku gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a farmer on day one!
Hulk misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Goku gets the ball stripped! The stubborn soil would have stayed in a farmer's grip!
Charles Barkley, this long boy, fouls unnecessarily at the top of the key! Sometimes predictable game!
Charles Barkley hits a half-court heave! Natural-born leadership proving to be the difference tonight!
Time to breathe. Charles Barkley has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Confession: Charles Barkley tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
This multi-time All-Star Charles Barkley can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Goku, this versatile guy, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!
This guy everybody knows Kevin Durant adjusts the angle mid-drive! An unmatched feel for the game body control!
Charles Barkley is running on pure willpower! This established star refusing to quit!
Hulk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the scientist gave everything!
Kevin Durant sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Larry Bird puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
126-85 (W)
Hulk announces themselves! The scientist has arrived and the building knows it!
Kevin Durant, this titan, uses strength and skill for a finger roll! Complete player!
Larry Bird with the no-look pass! This big-name player has eyes in the back of the head!
This elite player Goku goes to work at the buzzer! A fadeaway jumper drops beautifully!
Goku walls up in the elbow! Immovable as the seed dibber bolted down!
Time to breathe. Larry Bird has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Larry Bird entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Charles Barkley with an incredible sky hook from way beyond the arc! Standing ovation!
Charles Barkley, this big-name player, still going full throttle! No mercy tonight!
Kevin Durant drives the wrong way on offense! This reliable star needs a GPS!
Hulk celebrates with a hug with the coach! Mimicking discoverring the hidden truth on the court!
Hulk wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their lab notebook and the leather!
Larry Bird rips the net off the rim. Kevin Durant wraps it around his neck like a scarf. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
105-87 (W)
Hulk gets the starting nod! A scientist starting with their lab notebook confidence!
A two-handed slam from Charles Barkley! This world-class player is putting on a show tonight!
This max-contract guy Charles Barkley reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Goku threads the needle! Precision of the seed dibber through the stubborn soil!
Larry Bird, this franchise guy, manipulates the defense with the eyes! A killer instinct!
Both teams head in. Larry Bird has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. True story: Larry Bird had his parking spot stolen by Houston Blast-Off's mascot. Still talks about it. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Larry Bird goes to work the Spalding with purpose! A sky hook! This top-tier talent means business!
The crowd is on its feet! Wild stands as Charles Barkley takes the court!
Hulk, this hall-of-fame lock, rotates on defense! Natural-born leadership team commitment!
Scouts overlooked a scientist. They won't overlook Hulk after tonight's their lab notebook show!
Larry Bird hugs the coach! This big-name player with a complete performance!
Larry Bird jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
111-105 (W)
This All-Star caliber talent Kevin Durant in the starting lineup! Let's see what this All-Star caliber talent brings!
Larry Bird penetrates and scores! A fadeaway jumper! This absolute unit is a problem!
Goku strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Goku unlocks the defense! Picked it apart like a farmer on a mission!
This world-class player Kevin Durant uses the floater over this 7-footer coverage! Smart!
Halftime whistle. Kevin Durant has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Word is Kevin Durant sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Hulk dishes the orange beautifully for an off-balance shot! What touch!
Charles Barkley, this long boy, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Hulk sets the perfect screen! Built like a scientist who doesn't skip leg day!
This jersey-selling name Goku has that look in the eyes! Watch out! A killer instinct!
This established star Charles Barkley wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Goku charges toward the crowd. Charles Barkley catches him just before he dives into the stands. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
112-103 (W)
Charles Barkley pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This bonafide star locked in!
Hulk with a deep three on the break! Running like they're late for work!
Hulk steals the ball! Quick hands from discoverring the hidden truth all day!
This world-class player Charles Barkley with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Charles Barkley identifies the soft spot in the zone! This big-name player surgical precision!
The players leave the court. Goku clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Goku tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This guy everybody knows Kevin Durant finishes with authority! A buzzer-beater driving to the hoop!
Hulk soaks in a hostile crowd! A scientist savoring life beyond their lab notebook!
Larry Bird, this world-class player, communicates the switch! A killer instinct and vocal leadership!
This reliable star Charles Barkley plays every possession like the last! Eyes in the back of the head burning bright!
Larry Bird, this mammoth, acknowledges the fans! A crowd fully behind them! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench!
Charles Barkley grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts Hulk's name. The announcer chases him. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
107-86 (W)
Hulk bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
An alley-oop from downtown by Larry Bird! This big fella with the long range!
This top-tier talent Larry Bird with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Goku with the kick-out pass! Kicking the offense into gear, farmer style!
Hulk runs the offense! Running it like a scientist runs the show!
Halftime. Hulk glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Hulk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Hulk scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a scientist right there!
Camera pans to Hulk's scientist colleagues in the stands! Scientist solidarity!
This franchise guy Larry Bird dives for the loose ball! Ridiculous creativity on every play!
This will be talked about for years! Goku with a floater! Iconic!
This bonafide star Charles Barkley thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Kevin Durant charges toward the crowd. Hulk catches him just before he dives into the stands. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
112-110 (W)
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, draws first blood! A floater to start!
Larry Bird, this absolute unit, alters the shot! Freakish explosiveness at the rim!
This elite player Kevin Durant misfires again! Shaky emotions under pressure could cost the team!
Charles Barkley, this max-contract guy, drops a reverse layup along the baseline! Pure artistry!
This guy everybody knows Kevin Durant recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Break time. Larry Bird bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Larry Bird tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Charles Barkley breaks the tie! A half-court heave! This All-Star caliber talent wants to be the hero!
Larry Bird with the suffocating defense! This guy everybody knows is a wall out there!
A standing ovation fills the arena! This top-tier talent Goku feeds off the energy!
Larry Bird crosses over for the game-tying thunderous slam! During crunch time! Unbelievable!
This reliable star Goku led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Kevin Durant mimes popping a champagne bottle. Larry Bird mimes chugging straight from it. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
121-102 (W)
Kevin Durant penetrates onto the floor! The crowd roars for this headliner!
Goku with a finger-roll finger roll! Dexterity you only get from years as a farmer!
This All-Star caliber talent Goku with a critical stop! A defensive rebound when it counts!
Goku finds the rolling big! Rolling with the momentum of a farmer on fire!
Hulk overloads one side! Loading up with scientist strategy!
End of the first half. Kevin Durant is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Kevin Durant failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Kevin Durant with the decisive devastating dunk! An unmatched feel for the game when it matters most!
This max-contract guy Kevin Durant draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Hulk plays their role perfectly! Role player, role scientist with their lab notebook!
Goku's arc from the stubborn soil to a buzzer-beater is the stuff of movies!
Hulk is named player of the game! The scientist is also the star!
Larry Bird jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-114 (L)
Goku lands the first bank shot! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
Hulk bricks another one! Building something awful with their lab notebook tonight!
Charles Barkley coughs up the basketball! Sometimes predictable game strikes again from mid-range!
Charles Barkley gets crossed over! This top-tier talent left frozen facing the rim!
Larry Bird launches and converts! A tear drop from downtown! Money!
End of the second quarter. Goku is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. I've been told Goku always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Larry Bird, this top-tier talent, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Goku can't buy a bucket! Maybe the stubborn soil would be easier to aim!
This big-name player Kevin Durant recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Larry Bird takes off but can't sustain the effort! Heavy feet emptying the tank!
This big-name player Goku stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this big-name player wanted.
Hulk walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Kevin Durant speeds up. Wants it to be over. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
My Team ends the season #4 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Kevin Durant.
Season journal
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