My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Usain Bolt. Standing at 196 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. The chef's surprise of the evening is Usain Bolt. An athlete by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle personal records with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-119 (L)
Tip-off! Tyreek Hill gets us started! Let's go!
Usain Bolt rattles in and out! The personal records never teases an athlete like that!
Gout Gout loses the ball! A sprinter would never be this careless!
Arnold Schwarzenegger beaten to the spot! Slower than a film producer on a Monday morning!
Arnold Schwarzenegger throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
Rest time. Usain Bolt isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. They say Usain Bolt has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Usain Bolt bricks another one! Building something awful with the starting blocks tonight!
Tyreek Hill drives a step slower than usual! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the tank!
Arnold Schwarzenegger with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the risky picture!
Gout Gout, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
Tyreek Hill had the chances but couldn't convert. This hungry young player left wanting.
Eddie Hall refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Tyreek Hill watches it and immediately regrets it. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-131 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger takes the court to a cathedral silence! The film producer with their loaded checkbook is here!
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blocked! Rejected harder than a film producer's worst day on the job!
This hungry young player Eddie Hall commits the offensive foul! Turnover at half court!
Eddie Hall gets posted up and scored on! This dude out of nowhere overpowered!
Gout Gout argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to blitzing the hundred meters!
Into the tunnel. Usain Bolt grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Confession: Usain Bolt believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
A pull-up jumper from Tyreek Hill hits the iron! Shaky emotions under pressure under the spotlight!
Arnold Schwarzenegger can't get lift! Legs heavy as their loaded checkbook after the four quarters!
Gout Gout commits the live-ball turnover! Their starting blocks would be ashamed!
Usain Bolt penetrates away from the huddle! This hall-of-fame lock in a dark place mentally!
Tyreek Hill walks off in silence. This who-is-this-guy player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Gout Gout turns back to look at the court one last time. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn't turn around. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
75-117 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a film producer who means business!
Arnold Schwarzenegger with a rough thunderous slam driving to the hoop! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Eddie Hall throws it away! A pass worse than a strongman tossing the crushing weight!
This dark horse Tyreek Hill gives up the offensive rebound! Ego the size of Texas when boxing out!
Arnold Schwarzenegger waves off the play! The authority of a film producer in that gesture!
Both teams head to the locker room. Gout Gout wipes his forehead with his jersey. Locker room intel: Gout Gout has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Eddie Hall crosses over the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Heavy feet!
Tyreek Hill, this lightning-quick little man, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!
Arnold Schwarzenegger passes to nobody! This basketball god with a head-scratching decision!
Tyreek Hill, this rising star, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!
Usain Bolt leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as an athlete after the personal records setback!
Eddie Hall pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Tyreek Hill takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
79-117 (L)
Tyreek Hill fires up the crowd to open the game! This rising star starting strong!
Tyreek Hill, this lightning-quick little man, gets the look at half court but the lid's on the rim!
Gout Gout throws it into the stands! What was that from this who-is-this-guy player!
Gout Gout gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the hundred meters on a rough day!
Gout Gout drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a sprinter's spirit has limits!
Halftime! Gout Gout walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know Gout Gout entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Usain Bolt can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the personal records, an athlete always hits!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is spent! Used up like the risky picture after a film producer's long day!
Eddie Hall throws it out of bounds! Like launching their atlas stone into the void!
This hidden prospect Gout Gout slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
This surprise package Gout Gout stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this surprise package wanted.
Arnold Schwarzenegger scratches the back of his neck nervously. Usain Bolt has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-130 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets the starting nod! A film producer starting with their loaded checkbook confidence!
Arnold Schwarzenegger off the back iron! Hard miss, even a film producer cringes at that!
Gout Gout with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost sprinter!
Gout Gout can't stay in front! Blitzing the hundred meters doesn't build lateral quickness!
Usain Bolt slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an athlete hits the workbench!
The players leave the court. Arnold Schwarzenegger clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: Arnold Schwarzenegger threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Tyreek Hill rises up and fires but misses everything! Ego the size of Texas tonight!
Tyreek Hill, this guy nobody was talking about, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
Eddie Hall botches the handoff! Even their atlas stone exchanges go smoother!
Arnold Schwarzenegger looks to the heavens! A film producer praying for their loaded checkbook to work!
This diamond in the rough Eddie Hall tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Tyreek Hill lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Eddie Hall holds his in. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
93-117 (L)
Usain Bolt bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Usain Bolt just barely misses! Close as an athlete getting the personal records almost right!
Arnold Schwarzenegger forces the pass! Forcing their loaded checkbook where it doesn't fit!
Eddie Hall beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the crushing weight slipping from a strongman!
Gout Gout, this hungry young player, exploits the mismatch for a hook shot! Too easy!
The locker room. Usain Bolt sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know Usain Bolt entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Arnold Schwarzenegger storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
This hidden prospect Eddie Hall with a rare miss on the low block! Even the best stumble!
Arnold Schwarzenegger schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true film producer!
Eddie Hall labors up the court! Trudging like a strongman dragging the crushing weight!
Despite the loss, Eddie Hall held their own with the crushing weight! The strongman fought!
Tyreek Hill pulls his cap down over his eyes. Eddie Hall doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I learned Tyreek Hill used to be an athlete before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-119 (L)
Eddie Hall wins the opening tip! Tipping off with strongman energy!
Tyreek Hill takes a tough finger roll and it doesn't go! Sometimes predictable game in shot selection!
Arnold Schwarzenegger drives the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this certified GOAT candidate!
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the risky picture behind their loaded checkbook!
Arnold Schwarzenegger buries their face! Hidden from view, the film producer can't watch!
Break! Eddie Hall heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Anecdote: Eddie Hall threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Usain Bolt shoots short! Not enough juice! Even an athlete would cringe!
Eddie Hall can barely run! The 48 regulation minutes harder than the 48 regulation minutes of hoisting the crushing weight!
Gout Gout trips up in the elbow! A sprinter never trips at work... Right?
Tyreek Hill, this low-to-the-ground speedster, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
This player nobody saw coming Eddie Hall congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this player nobody saw coming.
Usain Bolt mutters while walking out. Eddie Hall watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
81-126 (L)
Tyreek Hill, this undersized spark plug, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Air ball from Arnold Schwarzenegger! Being a film producer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This player nobody saw coming Tyreek Hill with turnover number points! Heavy feet is piling up!
This dude out of nowhere Gout Gout fouls reaching in! Occasional mental lapses on defense!
Gout Gout shakes their head! A sprinter who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime! Arnold Schwarzenegger looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Arnold Schwarzenegger is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Hot head!
Usain Bolt bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an athlete after the starting blocks overtime!
Eddie Hall tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Tendency to rush in the decision-making!
Usain Bolt, this living legend, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Usain Bolt, this 7-footer, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Usain Bolt walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Gout Gout drags one foot after the other. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-133 (L)
Eddie Hall announces themselves! The strongman has arrived and the building knows it!
A bucket from Usain Bolt catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Eddie Hall with the careless pass! Hoisting the crushing weight with more care, please!
Usain Bolt overcommits! Going all-in like an athlete on the personal records, but wrong!
This who-is-this-guy player Tyreek Hill shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Break. Tyreek Hill collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Fun fact: Tyreek Hill is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This guy nobody was talking about Gout Gout whiffs on a devastating dunk! The crowd groans!
This absolute legend Arnold Schwarzenegger can barely jump! The springs are gone along the baseline!
This unknown gem Tyreek Hill forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Tyreek Hill, this lightning-quick little man, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Tyreek Hill, this newcomer, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Tyreek Hill replays the score in his head on a loop. Gout Gout tries to think about something else. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-131 (L)
Game time! Eddie Hall and this hidden prospect ready to put on a show at the venue!
Tyreek Hill can't buy a bucket! Another miss under the basket! Frustrating!
Stolen from Eddie Hall! A strongman who let it slip through their fingers!
Gout Gout gives up the back door! Limited stamina when overplaying!
Eddie Hall lets fly the towel! This hidden prospect showing occasional mental lapses!
Break! Usain Bolt has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Locker room intel: Usain Bolt has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Tyreek Hill forces a bad tear drop! This dude out of nowhere needs to trust teammates!
Tyreek Hill steps back sluggishly! Hot head catching up with this dude out of nowhere!
Usain Bolt turns it over at the jump ball! An athlete dropping the starting blocks at the worst time!
Tyreek Hill steps back and kicks the stanchion! This dark horse losing composure!
Gout Gout sits alone on the bench. This player nobody saw coming processing the defeat.
Tyreek Hill looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Usain Bolt looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-130 (L)
Tyreek Hill, this who-is-this-guy player, embraces the electric crowd! Game on!
Usain Bolt can't find the range! The starting blocks has better accuracy than that!
Tyreek Hill, this miniature missile, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
Tyreek Hill, this little guy, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Gout Gout storms to the bench! This newcomer is visibly upset!
Halftime. Arnold Schwarzenegger's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Locker room anecdote: Arnold Schwarzenegger talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Gout Gout with the contested two-handed slam in the paint! No good! Bad selection!
Arnold Schwarzenegger grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a film producer finishing the risky picture!
Arnold Schwarzenegger with the backcourt violation! A film producer going backwards with the risky picture!
Arnold Schwarzenegger mutters to himself walking back! This generational talent fighting inner demons!
Gout Gout, this all-around player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an unmatched feel for the game effort.
Usain Bolt bites his lip, fists clenched. Gout Gout shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-124 (L)
Usain Bolt steps onto the arena! From shatterring the personal records to this, game time!
Gout Gout misses the bunny! A sprinter dropping the hundred meters from point-blank!
Arnold Schwarzenegger turns it over in beyond the arc! Butterfingers from this film producer!
This hungry young player Eddie Hall commits the and-one foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in positioning!
This hungry young player Tyreek Hill gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Heading in. Arnold Schwarzenegger's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Arnold Schwarzenegger failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild fadeaway jumper!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Usain Bolt is a warrior but the body says no! The four quarters of war!
This hidden prospect Tyreek Hill commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
Arnold Schwarzenegger stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
Eddie Hall fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the strongman gave everything!
Gout Gout avoids the cameras like the plague. Eddie Hall gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Behind the scenes, I learned Eddie Hall was also an athlete in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
83-127 (L)
The game begins and Usain Bolt is ready! You can see ridiculous creativity written all over his face!
A pull-up jumper by Tyreek Hill at the top of the key is way off! Tough night for this surprise package!
This total unknown Gout Gout dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This first-ballot legend Usain Bolt can't recover! Scored on from downtown! Tendency to rush!
Usain Bolt mouths off during crunch time! An athlete venting about the personal records!
The players head to the locker room. Arnold Schwarzenegger is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Arnold Schwarzenegger watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Arnold Schwarzenegger shoots an air ball in a cathedral silence! A film producer lost in the noise!
Eddie Hall barely gets back on defense! Moving like a strongman on a Friday afternoon!
Arnold Schwarzenegger coughs it up! A film producer's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Gout Gout sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a sprinter after a long shift!
This dark horse Gout Gout shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to rush proved costly.
Tyreek Hill closes his eyes walking out. Gout Gout keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
78-122 (L)
Opening possession for Arnold Schwarzenegger! First touch, like first touch of their loaded checkbook!
Arnold Schwarzenegger forces up a buzzer-beater over the defense! Tendency to force bad shots! Bad decision!
Eddie Hall dribbles it off their foot! Their atlas stone would never betray a strongman like that!
This hidden prospect Tyreek Hill caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This certified GOAT candidate Usain Bolt stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Both teams head in. Usain Bolt has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Confession: Usain Bolt calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Eddie Hall can't hit from the corner! That zone is cursed for this strongman!
Gout Gout is gassed! More tired than after a full day of blitzing the hundred meters!
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at half court!
This who-is-this-guy player Tyreek Hill throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Usain Bolt vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the starting blocks reinforced with the personal records!
Usain Bolt turns back to look at the court one last time. Eddie Hall doesn't turn around. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-130 (L)
Usain Bolt dribbles into position! This basketball god not wasting any time!
Usain Bolt misses at right from the tip-off! An athlete dropping the personal records at the worst time!
Sloppy handling by Arnold Schwarzenegger! Greenlighting the risky picture is done with more finesse!
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Usain Bolt tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the athlete will bounce back!
The locker room fills up. Tyreek Hill has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Tyreek Hill is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Off the mark for Gout Gout! Great sprinter, not so great at basketball tonight!
Tyreek Hill is cramping up! This surprise package trying to shake it off! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Usain Bolt, this oversized freak, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
This household name Arnold Schwarzenegger fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Gout Gout leaves the palace of hoops with dignity! The dignity of a sprinter with their starting blocks!
Gout Gout shakes Tyreek Hill's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Usain Bolt.
Season journal
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