My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Maria Parkinson sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Majestic individual run from Maria Parkinson, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. LOB from the musician over the keeper! GOAL! In that position, when you have that ability to read the game and finish with that much CLASS, you are simply an ARTIST.

The corner from the psychologist is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

GOAAAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Mateo Parlov does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Maria Parkinson launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Mateo Parlov arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Maria Parkinson sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, James Parsons pops up between two defenders. Cross blocked from the politician by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. The researcher boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The opponent gets the better of the psychologist in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if. Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Absolutely immense from Pat Parsons! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. The school teacher launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Mateo Parlov is biting {his} nails in the corner. Eva Paradis stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. We can confirm that Michel Parouty owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' Out they come. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Pass into space from Marie J Parsons for Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference.

Injury time, and nobody's leaving this ground early tonight. The tv host lays it off first time to Tom Parsons, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Tremendous work from Tom Parsons who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. SURGICAL fingertip save from Mateo Parlov! He barely touches the ball but it is enough to push it over. Mateo Parlov launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Michel Parouty after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

The corner from Michel Parouty is met by Marie J Parsons with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Massive clearance from the tv host under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Superb diagonal from the psychologist to Marie J Parsons, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

The researcher plays the one-two with Michel Parouty and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Marie J Parsons picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. The researcher loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. Royal interception from James Parsons! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air.

Through ball from the musician for Michel Parouty, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Michel Parouty was a good metre off on Marie J Parsons's pass. The athlete throws it out to Ivan Parshin, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Textbook tackle from Ivan Parshin there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Stalemate at home. Michel Parouty and Ivan Parshin embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

Give and go between Ivan Parshin and Tom Parsons, the timing is inch-perfect, the defender bit on the first touch. GOOOOL from Ivan Parshin! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Ivan Parshin fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. James Parsons plays the medic running in. Mateo Parlov plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Michel Parouty charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. PENALTY for Michel Parouty! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. Michel Parouty takes a run-up and STRIKES! Penalty into the back of the net, the keeper went the other way. GOAL!

Raw emotion: Michel Parouty cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Mateo Parlov crouches beside him and speaks softly. Mateo Parlov jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

athlete stays down after contact. In that position, you learn when to take a tumble. Yellow card. Tom Parsons just won't accept the decision and now he's paying for it. Tom Parsons plays the free kick as a cross, Ivan Parshin finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Oh no Ivan Parshin! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Marie J Parsons deserved better.

The tv host hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Marie J Parsons spreads the play and finds Michel Parouty in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. The musicologist butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre.

Maria Parkinson sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Burst of speed from Michel Parouty, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Ball lost by Michel Parouty, he tried to dribble but the defender shut the door. The politician intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one.

Mateo Parlov sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Mateo Parlov nods but does not look up. A little fun fact for you — Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, all 180 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1122 and answer this question: 'What is the postcode for existential dread?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Pat Parsons leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Maria Parkinson gives it to Michel Parouty into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Michel Parouty finds Pat Parsons between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Pat Parsons triggers the one-two with James Parsons in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Mateo Parlov catapults the ball towards Eva Paradis from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Dreadful pass from Eva Paradis, lands three yards away from the target. Pat Parsons can do nothing with that. Ivan Parshin heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Tom Parsons lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. Mateo Parlov sparks the transition with a quick throw to James Parsons, the break is lightning fast. Quick exchange between James Parsons and Eva Paradis, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Tom Parsons plays it into the channel for Barry Parsonson, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Barry Parsonson timed his run poorly there, Sareya Moustapha Ghreib's pass was good but the flag is up. The athlete goes long for Barry Parsonson, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Barry Parsonson drops a lofted ball to Pat Parsons, it sails over the entire midfield line.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Mateo Parlov runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Mateo Parlov tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

The movie actor/actress switches the play to Tom Parsons, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Tom Parsons goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Emergency clearance from the athlete, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Honours even. Ivan Parshin swaps shirts with one of the México No-Era-Penal lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Barry Parsonson, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the postcode for existential dread?'. The answer was of course SL1 1AA, which is technically in Slough, and that explains everything. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Maria Parkinson does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Maria Parkinson sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Ivan Parshin is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Ivan Parshin was THERE! The keeper spills the strike from Tom Parsons, he toes the ball into the empty net. GOAL!

Blistering solo run from Maria Parkinson, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. What GENIUS from Maria Parkinson! Slalom in the box, he sits the keeper down and prods it in. GOAL!

Maria Parkinson legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Eva Paradis tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Mateo Parlov opts for the short option to Pat Parsons, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Long ball from Pat Parsons to Ivan Parshin, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Ivan Parshin rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Monster clearance from Ivan Parshin! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Crafty ball from Michel Parouty into the gap, Barry Parsonson arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Nightmare! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Mateo Parlov falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Sareya Moustapha Ghreib arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Marie J Parsons reties {his} laces for the fourth time. James Parsons cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Quite remarkable — Ivan Parshin got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 53 years old. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Eva Paradis claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. Diagonal from Michel Parouty to Barry Parsonson, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. The psychologist whips in a classic cross for Pat Parsons in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Lovely take from the athlete! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Stunning tackle by James Parsons in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. James Parsons links up with Marie J Parsons, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Wall pass between the researcher and Pat Parsons, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

Oh no, it's in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Mateo Parlov is at the centre, lifted up by Eva Paradis and Mateo Parlov, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

The researcher finds James Parsons along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Wing switch from Tom Parsons, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Eva Paradis brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Short restart from the athlete to Ivan Parshin, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Ivan Parshin puts it right into the feet of Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Short build-up from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib to Michel Parouty, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Monumental ball from Michel Parouty to Maria Parkinson, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Raking ball from the movie actor/actress to Pat Parsons, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The school teacher bends the ball into the box for Barry Parsonson. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The psychologist is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger.

Late, late challenge from Tom Parsons on the attacker. He's caught him right on the ankle. Nasty. VAR intervention! The referee listens intently to his earpiece, still no decision. Tom Parsons thought he'd escaped with a yellow, but VAR corrects to red! Off, off, off! Tom Parsons is shown a straight red for a tackle that left the attacker screaming. Free kick from Tom Parsons, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Marie J Parsons is onto it!

A draw. Tom Parsons claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Barry Parsonson tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Lovely use of the ball by Eva Paradis, finding Marie J Parsons in a tight pocket of space. Quality. High recovery from the researcher who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. What FINESSE on the strike from Marie J Parsons! On the cross from Michel Parouty, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Eva Paradis runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Maria Parkinson joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Marie J Parsons steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Marie J Parsons launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Eva Paradis, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Eva Paradis absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Marie J Parsons shifts it wide to Michel Parouty on the right, lovely ball into the space.

And it's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Give and go from the athlete with Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Tom Parsons finds Barry Parsonson with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Barry Parsonson spreads it to Marie J Parsons, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Marie J Parsons links a one-two with Tom Parsons, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection. Marie J Parsons fires a low ball back across the box for James Parsons, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

The musician opens up to Marie J Parsons on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Ball into space from the researcher for Maria Parkinson, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. The musician is caught offside from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib's through ball. Flag goes up. Mateo Parlov boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Pat Parsons! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Devastating burst of pace from Pat Parsons, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

The gaffer pulls up Dakar Teranga FC's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Maria Parkinson, you have the pace. Mateo Parlov, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Eva Paradis reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 38-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' Second half underway and Sareya Moustapha Ghreib is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

The ball from Marie J Parsons rips through the defensive curtain, Ivan Parshin is flying into the space like an arrow. Offside against the movie actor/actress, who mistimed his run on Barry Parsonson's pass. Emergency clearance from the school teacher, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Burst of pace from Maria Parkinson on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Short pass from the musician to Ivan Parshin, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. The researcher wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. OHHH what a strike from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

Mateo Parlov fires it out quickly by hand to Michel Parouty, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The musicologist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin.

The researcher reads the movement before anyone else and puts Sareya Moustapha Ghreib into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Incredible burst of pace from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. The cross from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

The athlete finds Ivan Parshin with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Commanding header from Ivan Parshin who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Ivan Parshin did not budge an inch. Authoritative clearance from Ivan Parshin in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Pat Parsons dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Pat Parsons lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Honours even. Michel Parouty swaps shirts with one of the Dakar Teranga FC lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Eva Paradis, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

James Parsons tries the one-two with Sareya Moustapha Ghreib and it comes off! The wall is perfect, James Parsons wins the battle without even touching the opponent. GOOOOOAL signed by the politician! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Eva Paradis to James Parsons, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. Tom Parsons sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Tom Parsons has it in buckets.

The researcher plays it simple to Pat Parsons, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

It's there! Douala Makossa-Corner tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Clean lay-off from the musician to Tom Parsons into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Good cross from the athlete for Marie J Parsons in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. OHHH the header from the researcher goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Michel Parouty is livid, gesturing wildly. Eva Paradis chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Reports suggest that Barry Parsonson once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 86 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' And they are off! James Parsons touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Pat Parsons feeds Maria Parkinson in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The musician shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Pat Parsons. Pure quality, as per usual. Looping cross from Pat Parsons, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Eva Paradis. Danger. Eva Paradis sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

Lightning overlap from Maria Parkinson, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. That is a shocking dive from Maria Parkinson. He should be ashamed of himself. Maria Parkinson picks up a caution for diving, no sympathy whatsoever from the crowd. Free kick crossed in by the musician into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece.

Clinical interception from Marie J Parsons, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

Horrific challenge from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Straight red for Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, he's lashed out with his fist. That's a three-match ban minimum. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib sends the free kick in front of goal, Ivan Parshin leaps to try the header. Ivan Parshin rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

Brilliant tackle from Eva Paradis! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Eva Paradis plays the simple ball to Ivan Parshin, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Ivan Parshin puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Ivan Parshin lays it off first time to Marie J Parsons, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Fantastic high recovery from Michel Parouty, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Michel Parouty beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. CRAAACKER from Michel Parouty outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

Share of the spoils. Ivan Parshin walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Eva Paradis throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Douala Makossa-Corner probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

The researcher reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. GOOOOAL! Barry Parsonson lobs the keeper with a silky touch, the ball drops gently into the back of the net. That is MAGNIFICENT, pure velvet!

Marie J Parsons spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Mateo Parlov gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Foul by the athlete, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Free kick blocked by the wall! Tom Parsons couldn't find a way through. Pathetic corner from the researcher. In that role, missing set pieces that badly shows a focus problem.

High recovery from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Body feint from the researcher, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. SHOOOOT from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Oh no, Lagos No-Carry-Last have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Mateo Parlov runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Mateo Parlov tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Tom Parsons triggers a change of flanks for Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Phenomenal leap from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Solo raid from Maria Parkinson from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable.

Tactical debate in the corner. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib wants to push higher. Mateo Parlov reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Mateo Parlov, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. In a baffling move, Ivan Parshin adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 53, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' And the second half is go! Maria Parkinson charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Michel Parouty puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Ivan Parshin accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Perfect cut-back from Ivan Parshin, Michel Parouty receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Michel Parouty winds up and FIRES but the defender gets his body in the way and the ball rebounds. Frustrating.

Barry Parsonson sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. PENALTY! The psychologist is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. The psychologist sees his penalty pushed away by the keeper! In that position, you need nerves of STEEL to bounce back from that. Barry Parsonson clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Dangerous corner from the movie actor/actress, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. The tv host launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

Pat Parsons throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Clearance from the athlete towards Michel Parouty, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Enormous leap from the musicologist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Michel Parouty accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Crucial intervention from the researcher, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Good ball from the researcher to Maria Parkinson, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The musician gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

The musician produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. The musician accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Maria Parkinson crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Tom Parsons is there to meet it.

1-1. Mateo Parlov and Eva Paradis are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Mateo Parlov. "Next time," replies Eva Paradis. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-3 (L)

Ivan Parshin charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. The referee awards a penalty for the movie actor/actress! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. Ivan Parshin converts the penalty with OLYMPIC calm! The keeper went left, the ball went right. GOAL!

Full moonwalk from Ivan Parshin, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Pat Parsons does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Mateo Parlov applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Mateo Parlov takes his time and plays it short to Tom Parsons. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Decisive interception from the athlete, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. The athlete finds Pat Parsons along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Huge interception from Pat Parsons! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. What a ball from James Parsons! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Tom Parsons is away on his own. That is velvet.

A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing. Shot blocked from the musicologist! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it. The cross from the movie actor/actress is blocked by a defender. That is the risk when you deliver from that area, the defence is watching. Enormous clearance from Michel Parouty inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Tidy restart from Mateo Parlov along the deck to James Parsons, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Huge aerial duel won by James Parsons, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. James Parsons rolls it to Pat Parsons, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. CRAAACKER from Pat Parsons outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Ivan Parshin, you have barely touched the ball. Mateo Parlov, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." A delightful revelation — Tom Parsons panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 42 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Right then, part two. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Disaster! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Mateo Parlov mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Eva Paradis plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Mateo Parlov plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Lay-off from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib to Barry Parsonson, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Short pass from the psychologist to James Parsons, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The overlap from James Parsons, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Michel Parouty winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Short restart from the athlete to Eva Paradis, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Burst of speed from the tv host down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Eva Paradis cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. The tv host finds Barry Parsonson along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. With one swing of the boot, Barry Parsonson finds Pat Parsons on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

They've done it! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Mateo Parlov rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Ivan Parshin jumps on his back, Mateo Parlov is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Pitch-length run from the researcher, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. The referee BLOWS! PENALTY! Sareya Moustapha Ghreib has been illegally stopped in the box by the defender. The spot is pointed to, the stadium holds its BREATH, everything is decided HERE and NOW! Sareya Moustapha Ghreib shoots... SAVED! The goalkeeper has pulled out all the stops to deny this penalty! Massive punt from Mateo Parlov, sends the ball sixty yards, Marie J Parsons is scrapping for it up top.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Michel Parouty whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Crossfield pass from Eva Paradis to Maria Parkinson, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. The musician roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Maria Parkinson tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him. What positioning from Michel Parouty! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Marie J Parsons peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. GOOOOOAL! Barry Parsonson places it inside the post from the cross by Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Mateo Parlov unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Pat Parsons makes a heart sign with his hands. Mateo Parlov finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Ivan Parshin takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Overlap from the researcher with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Corner from Barry Parsonson and Maria Parkinson rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. Long ball from Mateo Parlov for James Parsons who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Lovely anticipation from the politician who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The politician shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Barry Parsonson. Pure quality, as per usual. The psychologist shifts Maria Parkinson into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

The free kick is worked short, Ivan Parshin sets up Tom Parsons who finds himself in a good position. Pinpoint delivery from the athlete towards Eva Paradis, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Aerial claim from the athlete, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

Maria Parkinson is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Maria Parkinson: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Incredible scenes last summer when Michel Parouty was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 81 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Tom Parsons is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Wall combination between Maria Parkinson and Marie J Parsons, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. Maria Parkinson gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Maria Parkinson catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Nice combination started by the musician from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball.

Marie J Parsons with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! The researcher spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Pat Parsons. That is exactly why he is out there. Tight offside call against Pat Parsons, the assistant raises his flag. Maria Parkinson protests furiously.

The crowd are on their feet for James Parsons's recovery run. That man runs for all eleven. The attacker is scythed down by James Parsons. A wild, reckless challenge that could end a career. James Parsons has bitten the opponent! Can you believe that? Straight red, and rightly so. James Parsons fires the free kick into the wall, no surprises. The wall was well organised.

Decisive glance from Pat Parsons who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Awful pass from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start.

Long kick from Mateo Parlov, Tom Parsons positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Good ball from the athlete to James Parsons, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The politician finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Michel Parouty clean through. Pure genius from that position.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Marie J Parsons races back alongside the winger and catches him on the line. Incredible effort. The researcher catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline.

A draw. Mateo Parlov claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Pat Parsons tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

The movie actor/actress finds Eva Paradis along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The tv host cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for James Parsons. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. GOOOOAL! James Parsons places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Ivan Parshin unleashes a raking ball out to Pat Parsons, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Pat Parsons threads a ball into the void for Maria Parkinson, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. The musician jumps the gun on Marie J Parsons's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. Clearance from the athlete towards Pat Parsons, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Blistering run from Pat Parsons on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

Oh that's poor! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Little shift from James Parsons to Eva Paradis, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. SO CLOSE! Ivan Parshin sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Ball in behind from the musicologist, James Parsons is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Turnover from James Parsons, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. The musicologist embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. James Parsons, lift your head up. Michel Parouty, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." A lovely bit of trivia here — Marie J Parsons once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 28 at the time. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' And they are off! Pat Parsons touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. The tv host positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt.

The school teacher bounces off James Parsons for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Nutmeg from the school teacher on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. The school teacher lays it off first time to James Parsons, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. James Parsons bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Oh it's gone in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Mateo Parlov is at the centre, lifted up by Ivan Parshin and Mateo Parlov, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Brilliant pass from Eva Paradis! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Marie J Parsons is onto it. The athlete rushes out at the feet and smothers the ball! In that position, winning a duel like that is what separates a good keeper from a great one. Short restart from the athlete to Eva Paradis, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Corner from Michel Parouty but it is cleared at the near post by a defender. Marie J Parsons boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Monster clearance from Mateo Parlov, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Tom Parsons. Tom Parsons with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Short pass from the athlete to James Parsons, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Mateo Parlov lumps it long towards Marie J Parsons, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Aerial duel won by the researcher, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Smooth transition from Marie J Parsons to Eva Paradis, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The tv host unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Ivan Parshin stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Mateo Parlov peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-3 (L)

Intense pressing from the musicologist, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

Barry Parsonson hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The referee points to the spot! PENALTY for Barry Parsonson! The defender fouled him in the box, impossible NOT to give it. The pressure goes up a NOTCH! The psychologist misses his penalty! In that position, the pressure of a penalty is the ultimate TEST, and he's cracked.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Rio Malandro FC score right on the stroke of half-time.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Good ball from the movie actor/actress to Marie J Parsons, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Marie J Parsons wants to play it quick but the pass to Michel Parouty is wayward, lacking any precision.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Dead defender. Mateo Parlov mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Michel Parouty completes the choreography by collapsing. Mateo Parlov arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Despite the wages, Ivan Parshin insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 53 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' Kick-off! Pat Parsons wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

James Parsons slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Shot from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Tom Parsons keeps it short to James Parsons, no frills, just good football intelligence. Free kick to the opponents. James Parsons caught his man with a stray leg. James Parsons is cautioned for persistent fouling. The referee finally snapped.

And that's a goal! Rio Malandro FC extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

The corner from Barry Parsonson picks out Tom Parsons in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. One touch football: Pat Parsons to Tom Parsons, faster than the opposition can think.

Lightning one-two between Maria Parkinson and James Parsons, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. The musician overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Maria Parkinson finds Sareya Moustapha Ghreib with a pull-back inside the eighteen, that is an absolute beauty of a ball.

Absolute peach from Ivan Parshin, threading it through for Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the centre-halves are done for! Heroic rush from the athlete! When your keeper comes out at the feet like that, you know you can defend high without trembling. Mateo Parlov sends an absolute rocket towards Marie J Parsons, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Pat Parsons with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Pat Parsons thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Maria Parkinson lunges in two-footed on the attacker, that is an awful tackle. The ref is straight over. Maria Parkinson goes into the book for a dangerous challenge. The opponent was lucky to walk away. Free kick from Maria Parkinson to the near post, Sareya Moustapha Ghreib gets a flick on it. The researcher wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Lost it. Mateo Parlov kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Pat Parsons hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

The athlete finds James Parsons with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. James Parsons is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Eva Paradis attacks the inswinging cross from Barry Parsonson and places a SURGICAL header into the far corner! GOAL!

Solidarity move: Mateo Parlov grabs Sareya Moustapha Ghreib who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Sareya Moustapha Ghreib a standing ovation right through to the restart.

The movie actor/actress cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Marie J Parsons. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The defence holds its line and Marie J Parsons is caught offside from James Parsons's ball over the top. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Good ball from the school teacher to Michel Parouty, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Superb diagonal from the researcher to Tom Parsons, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Tom Parsons with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Tom Parsons plays it simple to Barry Parsonson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Overlap from Barry Parsonson on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Barry Parsonson bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Tom Parsons wins the aerial battle.

Sideways ball from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib to James Parsons, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Foul by James Parsons on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. James Parsons is cautioned for accumulated fouls. The ref warned him twice, he didn't listen. James Parsons's free kick doesn't get past the wall. The wall did the business. Almighty boot from Michel Parouty who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

It's in the back of the net! Istanbul Cehennem FK celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Tom Parsons is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Tom Parsons: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Marie J Parsons once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 28-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' They are back. James Parsons salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The politician plays it simple to Marie J Parsons, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Brilliant cut-back from Marie J Parsons along the grass for Michel Parouty. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Mateo Parlov blocks the shot with an authoritative hand! No goal, the keeper is watching everything.

Mateo Parlov hoofs it forward towards Tom Parsons, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Tom Parsons delivers a tidy ball to Eva Paradis, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

Intense pressing from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. The researcher winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Brilliant opening from James Parsons for Eva Paradis, frees up the entire left flank. The tv host pulls it back along the ground for Ivan Parshin. The low cut-back is his trademark.

The tv host intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Careless distribution from James Parsons, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you.

Quick throw from Mateo Parlov to Tom Parsons out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Quick one-two between Tom Parsons and Ivan Parshin, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Poor decision from Ivan Parshin on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it.

1-1. James Parsons and Eva Paradis are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says James Parsons. "Next time," replies Eva Paradis. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Sareya Moustapha Ghreib presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. GOOOAL! Sareya Moustapha Ghreib pops up at the back post, the keeper was on the floor, he toes the ball in. GOOOAL!

Sareya Moustapha Ghreib falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Ivan Parshin arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Ball into space from Tom Parsons, Ivan Parshin just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Michel Parouty launches a long ball for Ivan Parshin, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Tom Parsons boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The athlete throws it out to Barry Parsonson, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

The tv host finds Sareya Moustapha Ghreib in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The researcher chips a lob over the defence for James Parsons. That kind of vision is rare in that position. Mateo Parlov comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority. The athlete throws it out to Maria Parkinson, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

The movie actor/actress does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. The psychologist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Mateo Parlov does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Marie J Parsons launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Mateo Parlov arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. James Parsons winces. Michel Parouty looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. A delightful detail about Ivan Parshin — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 53 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Michel Parouty claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Eva Paradis sends an aerial beauty to Ivan Parshin, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. The movie actor/actress rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Ivan Parshin takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Ivan Parshin gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Pat Parsons is there to meet it. Pat Parsons fires but a defender dives in and blocks the shot! The human wall holds firm.

Added time, the subs are cheering from the bench, this is the last chance. The athlete finds Eva Paradis along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Eva Paradis spots Ivan Parshin in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Good delivery from Ivan Parshin off the left flank, James Parsons positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Rapid combination: Pat Parsons to James Parsons, the ball barely touches the grass between them. James Parsons goes crossfield to Ivan Parshin, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Great overlap from Ivan Parshin down the flank, pinpoint cross for James Parsons in the area. This is the moment. The politician gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight.

Tom Parsons embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. BY A WHISKER! Tom Parsons fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all.

Sareya Moustapha Ghreib sends Eva Paradis into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Eva Paradis tries to find Ivan Parshin but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. The researcher sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them.

1-1 and off we go. Eva Paradis hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. James Parsons does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. Mateo Parlov running fifty yards to come and attack the back post. What a HEADER from Ivan Parshin! The cross from Maria Parkinson was perfect, he plants the ball into the ground and it is in!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Mateo Parlov ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Tom Parsons leaps over him. Mateo Parlov walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Marie J Parsons pings a long diagonal to Eva Paradis, completely shifts the point of attack. The tv host is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Michel Parouty hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Pat Parsons picks out Sareya Moustapha Ghreib with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Mateo Parlov points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Eva Paradis comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Superb tackle from the school teacher, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Burst of speed from the athlete down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Brilliant switch of play from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Marie J Parsons. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Ivan Parshin pierces the backline with a low through ball, Pat Parsons latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Pat Parsons overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

The gaffer pulls up Sevilla Olé-Olé's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. James Parsons, you have the pace. Barry Parsonson, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. The 81-year-old Michel Parouty reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 180, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Fink! To win a voucher for the Wetherspoons breakfast, text 5567 and answer: 'What is the cheapest full English breakfast in Britain and does it come with unlimited toast?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Pat Parsons comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

The tv host finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Marie J Parsons clean through. Pure genius from that position. The offside trap works a treat, Marie J Parsons is caught out as Barry Parsonson plays the ball forward. Big clearance from Ivan Parshin under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Corner cleared by the defence, the movie actor/actress was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

James Parsons reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Change of flanks from James Parsons, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Barry Parsonson.

The referee spots the foul by Ivan Parshin, a push in the back on the opponent. Ivan Parshin tries to bend the free kick around the wall but it goes the wrong side of the post.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Clean lay-off from the movie actor/actress to Marie J Parsons into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Powerful run from Marie J Parsons down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

The corner from Maria Parkinson is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Decisive interception from the tv host, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Eva Paradis swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Maria Parkinson, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The musician slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position.

Draw. Mateo Parlov takes the time to shake every Sevilla Olé-Olé player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Tom Parsons follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Baz from Middlesbrough says two pounds ninety-nine at the Spoons on the high street and yes the toast is unlimited. Breakfast voucher for Baz! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

The tv host reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Mateo Parlov arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Ivan Parshin slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Foul given against Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, he went through the back of the opponent. Free kick swung in by Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Maria Parkinson is lurking. Maria Parkinson meets the cross from Michel Parouty victoriously! The header is on target, the ball is in the net, GOOOAL!

Rehearsed move all week: Sareya Moustapha Ghreib and Michel Parouty stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Mateo Parlov plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Maria Parkinson hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Maria Parkinson slides the ball across the ground in the box, Eva Paradis arrives for the finish. Eva Paradis with the goal gaping thanks to Sareya Moustapha Ghreib... and he sends it over the crossbar. We cannot believe it.

Superb diagonal from the musician to Michel Parouty, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Michel Parouty sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Massive clearance from the athlete under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Ivan Parshin pings a ridiculous diagonal to Barry Parsonson. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Barry Parsonson punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." At age 9, Maria Parkinson entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 70, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Barry Parsonson wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Switch from Tom Parsons! The ball arcs over the midfield and Ivan Parshin collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Ivan Parshin looks for Tom Parsons with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. The musicologist trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. The musicologist puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games.

Pat Parsons absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. Barry Parsonson sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Sareya Moustapha Ghreib in the thick of it.

And there it is, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Mateo Parlov and Michel Parouty do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Mateo Parlov arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Sharp cut inside from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. The researcher throws himself to the ground in the box. Absolutely shameless simulation. The ref brandishes yellow, Sareya Moustapha Ghreib won't be trying that dive again anytime soon. The researcher fires into the wall from the free kick! In that position, it's a CLASSIC, the wall wins sometimes, but persistence always pays off. Corner cleared, the researcher finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly.

Short restart from Mateo Parlov to James Parsons, building from the back nice and tidy. The politician loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. Header from Marie J Parsons, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Barry Parsonson presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Quick dribble from Barry Parsonson, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated.

It's hit the back of the net! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein lead and we look completely lost.

Mateo Parlov fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Marie J Parsons plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Eva Paradis sets it for Barry Parsonson, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Step-overs from Barry Parsonson, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Barry Parsonson slides it to Marie J Parsons, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

A loss that will linger. Marie J Parsons drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Ivan Parshin texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-4 (L)

Oh no, London Three-Pints score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Mateo Parlov dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Marie J Parsons can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Mateo Parlov claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. GOOOAL from the musicologist! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Rehearsed move all week: Michel Parouty and Sareya Moustapha Ghreib stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Mateo Parlov plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Maria Parkinson gives it short to Sareya Moustapha Ghreib from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach. Good ball from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib to Marie J Parsons, playing it quick between the lines.

Unbelievable! London Three-Pints score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Clearance from the athlete towards Ivan Parshin, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Ivan Parshin slips Maria Parkinson in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The musician lays it off first time to Marie J Parsons, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Free kick conceded by the researcher, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. The free kick from Marie J Parsons is superb, it picks out Tom Parsons unmarked in the box.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Pat Parsons takes the hit without responding. James Parsons drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Eva Paradis is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 38-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Michel Parouty knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Barry Parsonson to James Parsons, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Aerial duel lost by James Parsons, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

What a mess! London Three-Pints capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. The athlete climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Short distribution from Mateo Parlov to Maria Parkinson, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

The politician boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The politician switches the play to Tom Parsons, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Tom Parsons burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The athlete sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. Beautiful distribution from Mateo Parlov to Ivan Parshin, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Maria Parkinson pulls out an elastico from nowhere, the defender is bamboozled. That is showtime. Overlap from Maria Parkinson on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Maria Parkinson delivers from the byline, Michel Parouty is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Oh no Michel Parouty fluffs his header! The cross from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib was inch-perfect but it goes over. Mateo Parlov smashes a volley towards Marie J Parsons, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

It's a goal! London Three-Pints go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Mateo Parlov plays it short to Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Attempted pass from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib to Tom Parsons, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. The musicologist produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The musicologist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

On the corner from Maria Parkinson, Eva Paradis heads it at the penalty spot, goes wide. What a waste. Mateo Parlov goes long for Maria Parkinson, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Firm pass from Maria Parkinson into Ivan Parshin, right into the boots. No waste. Ivan Parshin switches the play to Marie J Parsons on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Sareya Moustapha Ghreib bounces it off Barry Parsonson for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality. Nutmeg from Sareya Moustapha Ghreib, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Sareya Moustapha Ghreib shifts it to Ivan Parshin with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Overlap from Ivan Parshin with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

Final whistle, final nail. Mateo Parlov pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Pat Parsons gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'