My dream soccer team — football_team 🇿🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

HOWLER from Iker Casillas! He thinks he has gathered it but the ball slips from his gloves, the attacker is delighted. GOOOAL from the stuntman/stuntwoman at point-blank range! In that position, knowing how to be RIGHT on the penalty spot at the right moment is what makes you indispensable.

Decisive interception from Marc Cucurella who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Marc Cucurella saw it all. Marc Cucurella lays it off first time to José Mourinho, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Brilliant opening from José Mourinho for Vin Diesel, frees up the entire left flank. Vin Diesel drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Pau Cubarsí. Pau Cubarsí is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better.

José Mourinho slides it to Michael Olise, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. What a hit from Michael Olise! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away! Corner from Michael Olise, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears.

Pau Cubarsí sends an aerial beauty to Lee Kang-in, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Phenomenal leap from Lee Kang-in who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. José Mourinho goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Marie Curie pulls out a showboating piece of skill, the defender is a spectator to his own downfall. Marie Curie bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. The cross from Marie Curie is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Eberechi Eze reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Michael Olise cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Paparazzi snapped Michael Olise on holiday in Benidorm wearing socks with sandals, a bum bag, and a bucket hat that said 'LADS ON TOUR.' At 184, the 25-year-old was impossible to miss. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Sergio Ramos does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Terrible lunge from Michael Olise! Both feet off the ground, straight into the attacker's legs. The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. What a turnaround! VAR waves the penalty away, Michael Olise went down on his own! The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Lee Kang-in switches the play to José Mourinho on the far side, superb crossfield ball! José Mourinho gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Lee Kang-in. Lee Kang-in attempts a cross for José Mourinho but the defender intervenes and deflects it behind. Clearance from Michael Olise under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

It's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Iker Casillas scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Marc Cucurella is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Clinical interception from William Saliba, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. William Saliba sets it for Marc Cucurella, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Pass into space from Marc Cucurella for Michael Olise, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Michael Olise aims for José Mourinho but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

High recovery from Lee Kang-in who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Lee Kang-in tries the lob over the keeper but it is overhit, the goalkeeper backpedals and catches it. Iker Casillas boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Vin Diesel! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Quick one-two between Pau Cubarsí and Marc Cucurella, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Marc Cucurella unleashes a raking ball out to William Saliba, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. William Saliba crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, José Mourinho is in the right place. José Mourinho crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Pau Cubarsí.

Points shared with Paris Saint-Glinglin. Iker Casillas slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Marie Curie has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

José Mourinho keeps it short to Marie Curie, no frills, just good football intelligence. Marie Curie hits the right post! The ball spins back into play, just centimetres from going in. The stuntman/stuntwoman pops up in the right place on the cross from Eberechi Eze! In that position, that kind of presence in the box is what turns you into a goalscorer. GOAL!

José Mourinho places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Michael Olise falls to his knees bowing. Iker Casillas does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Ground pass from Marc Cucurella into the free zone for Michael Olise, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Cross from Michael Olise off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds William Saliba at the far side. William Saliba heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle.

William Saliba puts in a desperate sprint to get back and it pays off, arrives just in time to clear. William Saliba deliberately fouls to let his defence regroup. Smart but ugly. William Saliba goes into the book for a tactical trip. He'd rather take the card than face a two-on-one. William Saliba has been sent off. Two yellows, one red. He only has himself to blame. William Saliba sends the free kick in front of goal, Sergio Ramos leaps to try the header.

Change of flanks from José Mourinho, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel curls a cross to the near post, José Mourinho is lurking in the box. José Mourinho tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away. Sergio Ramos clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic.

Rapid combination José Mourinho-Vin Diesel, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker. The referee's whistle goes against José Mourinho, caught the opponent late. Booking for José Mourinho, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Eberechi Eze nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Sergio Ramos is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. A delightful detail about Pau Cubarsí — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 19 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. José Mourinho high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Inch-perfect cross from Lee Kang-in, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds William Saliba at the back post. William Saliba connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not. William Saliba clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

José Mourinho swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Sergio Ramos, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Sergio Ramos tries to find Marc Cucurella but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Free kick conceded by Marie Curie, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The chemist puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games.

José Mourinho gives it to Sergio Ramos into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Sergio Ramos forces a pass to Pau Cubarsí who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. José Mourinho sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. José Mourinho delivers a tidy ball to Eberechi Eze, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Firm pass from Eberechi Eze into José Mourinho, right into the boots. No waste.

Marc Cucurella with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Diagonal from Marc Cucurella to William Saliba, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Overlap on the left from William Saliba, floated cross towards Eberechi Eze who rises highest at the far post. Scramble in the box after Eberechi Eze's corner! A defender boots it away, just about! Sergio Ramos goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

William Saliba spots José Mourinho in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Poor decision from José Mourinho on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Superb defensive work from José Mourinho there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Wing switch from José Mourinho, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Sergio Ramos brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Good delivery from Sergio Ramos off the left flank, William Saliba positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Get in! Marc Cucurella and Eberechi Eze do the customary shirt swap with a couple of México No-Era-Penal players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Marc Cucurella turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. José Mourinho decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. José Mourinho takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Burst of pace from Lee Kang-in on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Lee Kang-in fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Pau Cubarsí throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Pau Cubarsí tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything. Michael Olise boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Pau Cubarsí anticipates the run from Marc Cucurella and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Marc Cucurella timed his run poorly there, Vin Diesel's pass was good but the flag is up. Iker Casillas throws it out quickly to Marie Curie, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The chemist lays it off first time to José Mourinho, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

José Mourinho starts the one-two with Lee Kang-in, the ball comes back in stride and it is done. Two touches, three yards gained. Cut-back from José Mourinho along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Marc Cucurella centrally. SAAAAAVED by Iker Casillas! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips! Iker Casillas lumps it long towards José Mourinho, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. José Mourinho floats a ball towards Marie Curie but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

And there it is, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Iker Casillas mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Marc Cucurella does the wave with contortionist grace. Iker Casillas solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Iker Casillas, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Iker Casillas takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Now Marie Curie has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 159 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' And we are back underway! Michael Olise jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Eberechi Eze eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Eberechi Eze takes a tumble, rolls three times, peeks at the referee... no whistle. Good. Yellow card, Eberechi Eze tried to buy a penalty and got a caution instead. Karma. The wall repels Eberechi Eze's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. The corner from Lee Kang-in is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it.

Pau Cubarsí reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Massive diagonal from Pau Cubarsí! Eberechi Eze receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. It falls apart for Eberechi Eze, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Ball into space from William Saliba, Marie Curie just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Oh my word José Mourinho fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Iker Casillas fires it out quickly by hand to Sergio Ramos, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Lazy pass from Sergio Ramos, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Almighty boot from Marc Cucurella who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Tidy restart from Iker Casillas along the deck to Pau Cubarsí, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Pau Cubarsí makes a mess of a simple pass to José Mourinho, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

The chemist dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. Marc Cucurella spreads it to José Mourinho, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. José Mourinho crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Marie Curie is there to meet it. Iker Casillas stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper.

Stalemate at home. José Mourinho and William Saliba embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Vin Diesel spots the run from William Saliba and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! What CLASS from William Saliba! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Textbook tackle from William Saliba there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. William Saliba launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Pau Cubarsí rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Eberechi Eze. The far side is completely deserted. Eberechi Eze wins the header and flicks it on for Marc Cucurella. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Overlap from Eberechi Eze on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Low cut-back from Eberechi Eze, Michael Olise arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Michael Olise winds up and shoots, but the defender throws himself down and takes the ball in the stomach. Brave stuff.

Lee Kang-in drops the ball in from the free kick, William Saliba arrives at the near post. Aerial duel won by William Saliba in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Panicked clearance from William Saliba, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Added time announced, the players know it's now or never. Quick exchange between Michael Olise and Sergio Ramos, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Intense pressing from Sergio Ramos, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. José Mourinho, stop dropping deep. Lee Kang-in, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Dietitians have given up on Marie Curie, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 159 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' Here come the lads. Iker Casillas jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

José Mourinho swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears! Sergio Ramos tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Eberechi Eze plays the simple ball to Marc Cucurella, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Marc Cucurella shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Vin Diesel. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The stuntman/stuntwoman accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The stuntman/stuntwoman bends the ball into the box for William Saliba. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. William Saliba puts the corner in, MELEE in the six-yard box! The ball bounces around, defense clears eventually!

William Saliba puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Rapid combination: William Saliba to José Mourinho, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Quick dribble from José Mourinho, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Foul by José Mourinho, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. The referee finally pulls out the yellow for José Mourinho. That's four fouls and counting.

Marc Cucurella picks out Lee Kang-in with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Lee Kang-in frees up the entire channel for Marc Cucurella with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Marc Cucurella links up with Michael Olise, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Michael Olise finds Pau Cubarsí between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

GOAAAL! Dakar Teranga FC score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Raw emotion: Iker Casillas cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Vin Diesel crouches beside him and speaks softly. Iker Casillas jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Wall combination between William Saliba and Lee Kang-in, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. William Saliba skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. William Saliba to Eberechi Eze, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Eberechi Eze powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

Honours even. Michael Olise swaps shirts with one of the Dakar Teranga FC lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Marie Curie, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Marc Cucurella intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. GOOOOAL! Marie Curie was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Marc Cucurella runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Iker Casillas tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Marie Curie sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Marc Cucurella pops up between two defenders. OHHH NOOOO! Own goal from Marc Cucurella! He tried to head it clear but the ball loops over his keeper and nestles in the net! The poor lad is on his KNEES, he does not know where to look. Complete disaster.

High recovery from Michael Olise, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Michael Olise beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. Good ball from Michael Olise to Marc Cucurella, playing it quick between the lines.

They've scored! Douala Makossa-Corner break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Michael Olise to José Mourinho, instant return, and Michael Olise is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Close-quarters dribble from Michael Olise, he finds space where there is none. Sideways ball from Michael Olise to Marie Curie, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Lightning overlap from Marie Curie, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Iker Casillas. "That is your job. 45 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Eberechi Eze turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 28-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' Second half underway and Iker Casillas is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Lovely use of the ball by Pau Cubarsí, finding Eberechi Eze in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Eberechi Eze sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Little shift from Eberechi Eze to Lee Kang-in, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Lee Kang-in gets down the left and pulls it back low, Pau Cubarsí is stationed on the penalty spot. OHHH the save from Iker Casillas! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY.

Phenomenal run from Eberechi Eze, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. Telepathic pass from Eberechi Eze to Pau Cubarsí, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Pau Cubarsí sends the ball to join the pigeons above the stadium. Completely and utterly missed. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Short build-up from Vin Diesel to Eberechi Eze, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Eberechi Eze opens up the space for Marc Cucurella with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Marc Cucurella is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Michael Olise's pass deserved better than that. VAR intervention! The referee listens intently to his earpiece, still no decision. The big screen shows the offside — VAR rules Lee Kang-in's effort out!

William Saliba reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. The stuntman/stuntwoman roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The stuntman/stuntwoman unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Ferocious press from Michael Olise! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Michael Olise unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Vin Diesel spots the gap and sends Lee Kang-in into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Lee Kang-in reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Marc Cucurella receives it in the box. It is on a plate.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Eberechi Eze charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Eberechi Eze dinks his cross over the centre-halves, William Saliba arrives at full pace behind them. Iker Casillas catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. Short restart from Iker Casillas to Pau Cubarsí, building from the back nice and tidy.

Honours even. José Mourinho swaps shirts with one of the Douala Makossa-Corner lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Iker Casillas, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

José Mourinho flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Marie Curie gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

José Mourinho stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Lee Kang-in comes over and hugs him without a word.

Eberechi Eze launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Sergio Ramos, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Sergio Ramos wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Emergency clearance from Sergio Ramos, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

José Mourinho beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. The referee points to the SPOT! José Mourinho has been brought down in the box by the defender. Huge decision, the TENSION is through the roof! José Mourinho's penalty is saved! The goalkeeper dives magnificently and turns the ball away. Iker Casillas smashes a volley towards Michael Olise, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

The stuntman/stuntwoman shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Sergio Ramos. Pure quality, as per usual. Great overlap from Sergio Ramos down the flank, pinpoint cross for Marie Curie in the area. This is the moment. Cross out of reach from Marie Curie, Eberechi Eze cannot do a thing, it is too high. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Marc Cucurella scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Long ball from Iker Casillas for Vin Diesel who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. The stuntman/stuntwoman wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Overlap from the stuntman/stuntwoman with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Lee Kang-in, you go left. Iker Casillas, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Michael Olise, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 25-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' Second half underway and Lee Kang-in is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

And that's a goal! Lagos No-Carry-Last extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Iker Casillas mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. José Mourinho does the wave with contortionist grace. Iker Casillas solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. William Saliba triggers a change of flanks for Marc Cucurella, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel lost by Marc Cucurella, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Marc Cucurella clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Lay-off from Pau Cubarsí to Vin Diesel, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Low pull-back from Vin Diesel across the turf, William Saliba controls and shoots in one movement. William Saliba blazes it into the stands when Marie Curie had opened the door wide! Empty goal and he still finds a way to miss. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Devastating burst of pace from Eberechi Eze, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. The referee blows for a PENALTY! Eberechi Eze has been put on the floor in the box by the defender. OBVIOUS foul, indisputable penalty. The crux of the match is happening RIGHT NOW! OH NO! Eberechi Eze puts the penalty wide! That's terrible, he's collapsed on the pitch.

Marie Curie threads the needle between the two centre-backs, William Saliba bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. William Saliba smashes it home from Lee Kang-in's pass but the linesman says NO! Offside, goal disallowed! The referee draws the rectangle in the air, he's going to have a look himself. Huge moment. The technology backs it up — Michael Olise's goal is perfectly legal!

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Marc Cucurella gifts José Mourinho a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. José Mourinho curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save! José Mourinho whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post.

Draw. William Saliba sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Marc Cucurella waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Lee Kang-in sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Poacher's goal from Lee Kang-in! The keeper spilled it and Lee Kang-in prods the ball into the net.

Michael Olise pings a long diagonal to Pau Cubarsí, completely shifts the point of attack. Cross from Pau Cubarsí, he puts it on the far post for Sergio Ramos. Completely wasted cross from Sergio Ramos, the keeper just plucks it out of the air in his six-yard box. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. José Mourinho launches it to Eberechi Eze on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Sergio Ramos heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Marc Cucurella shifts it to Pau Cubarsí with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Pau Cubarsí clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

William Saliba slips Pau Cubarsí in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Nutmeg from Pau Cubarsí, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Foul by Pau Cubarsí on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Pau Cubarsí is cautioned, that challenge was dangerous and completely unnecessary. Pau Cubarsí's free kick crashes into the wall, well defended.

Pau Cubarsí lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. José Mourinho puts it right into the feet of William Saliba, one touch and away. Silky stuff. William Saliba slides the ball across the ground in the box, Marie Curie arrives for the finish. The chemist wastes the gift from Lee Kang-in, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those.

Iker Casillas paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Iker Casillas exhales and sits. Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that Iker Casillas has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' Out they come. William Saliba has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Switch from Sergio Ramos! The ball arcs over the midfield and José Mourinho collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

Shoulder charge from Eberechi Eze on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Free kick blocked by the wall! Eberechi Eze couldn't find a way through. Dreadful corner from José Mourinho, goes straight out the other side, unmissable in its awfulness.

Disaster! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Iker Casillas dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Marc Cucurella can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Iker Casillas claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. HEROIC rush from Iker Casillas! He cut the line, narrowed the angle and smothers the lot. MASTERFUL! Iker Casillas plays it short to José Mourinho, building out from the back. Calculated risk. José Mourinho throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Solo charge from José Mourinho, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field.

Sergio Ramos intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Sergio Ramos plays it simple to Vin Diesel, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Body feint from Vin Diesel, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Vin Diesel delivers from the byline, Marie Curie is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Marie Curie gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post.

Michael Olise feeds Sergio Ramos in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Sergio Ramos squares it back for Eberechi Eze, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

A draw — that grey zone. Sergio Ramos signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Lee Kang-in adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Huge interception from Sergio Ramos! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Sergio Ramos sees what nobody else sees and puts William Saliba through on goal with a genius through ball. OOOOH the POACHER'S goal from William Saliba! The keeper spilled, he was THERE, he poked it in. GOAL!

William Saliba with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! William Saliba covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Textbook lay-off from William Saliba to Lee Kang-in who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway.

Sergio Ramos with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Michael Olise burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

Pau Cubarsí sends Sergio Ramos into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Shot from Sergio Ramos, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. A tug on the shirt from Marc Cucurella, the opponent can't get away. Free kick.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. Marc Cucurella hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Lee Kang-in pings a ridiculous diagonal to Eberechi Eze. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Marie Curie is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Iker Casillas and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. Here's one that'll make you smile — Vin Diesel spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 59 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8080 and answer this question: 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. José Mourinho is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Oh my word, the scramble from José Mourinho's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth! Massive hit from Vin Diesel, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football. High recovery from Marie Curie! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off.

The wall from Michael Olise is perfect for Lee Kang-in who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Blistering run from Lee Kang-in on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Lee Kang-in attempts a feint but the defender does not bite. Clean ball loss. Classy interception from Pau Cubarsí, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Quick throw from Iker Casillas to Michael Olise out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. That's a beauty from Michael Olise! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Michael Olise rolls it to Sergio Ramos, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Sergio Ramos lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Smooth transition from Pau Cubarsí to Sergio Ramos, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Sergio Ramos reaches the byline and cuts it back for William Saliba arriving from the second wave. William Saliba goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. One touch football: William Saliba to Pau Cubarsí, faster than the opposition can think.

FULL TIME! Pau Cubarsí jumps on Lee Kang-in's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?'. The answer was of course none, crumpets don't have hands but they do have holes, which is arguably worse. Derek wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Elastico from Lee Kang-in, the ball goes right then snaps back left in an instant. The defender is lost. Lee Kang-in produces an OUTRAGEOUS slalom! He dribbles, dribbles, dribbles and scores! GOAL!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Lee Kang-in, arms out like an aeroplane. Iker Casillas follows in like he's skiing. Iker Casillas arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

José Mourinho delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm! Lee Kang-in was THERE, like a TRUE poacher! On the inswinging cross from Marie Curie, he prods it in from 4 yards. GOAL!

Monster clearance from Pau Cubarsí! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. José Mourinho spreads it to Michael Olise, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Underhit ball from Michael Olise, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open.

Iker Casillas launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Sergio Ramos after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Sergio Ramos sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Foul by Sergio Ramos in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Booking for Sergio Ramos, persistent fouling. The referee drew a line in the sand.

Absolute suspense, nobody willing to settle for the draw. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Michael Olise floats it into the gap for Pau Cubarsí, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot.

The gaffer pulls up Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. José Mourinho, you have the pace. Pau Cubarsí, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Word from the training ground is that Lee Kang-in brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 173 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Iker Casillas picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Cross from the right by Michael Olise, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Marc Cucurella at the back post. Marc Cucurella gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Pau Cubarsí throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Sergio Ramos boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Vin Diesel to José Mourinho, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Vin Diesel spreads the play and finds José Mourinho in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. José Mourinho drills a low ball back for Sergio Ramos, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

They've nicked a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío catch us cold on the break.

Dead defender. Iker Casillas mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Sergio Ramos completes the choreography by collapsing. Iker Casillas arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Michael Olise bounces it off William Saliba for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality. Michael Olise charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Michael Olise plays it back across the floor in the box, Vin Diesel receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back.

Corner swung in by Lee Kang-in, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear. Monumental ball from Lee Kang-in to Vin Diesel, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Vin Diesel rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Vin Diesel plays it simple to Marie Curie, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Flash wall from Eberechi Eze for Marie Curie who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Solidarity move: Iker Casillas grabs José Mourinho who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives José Mourinho a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Vin Diesel climbs above everyone on the corner from Lee Kang-in but his header is too wide. Long kick from Iker Casillas, Sergio Ramos positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Sergio Ramos hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Sergio Ramos fires a low ball back across the box for Lee Kang-in, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

Share of the spoils. Vin Diesel walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Michael Olise throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío probably walk away happier than we do. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

The referee spots the foul by Sergio Ramos, a push in the back on the opponent. Sergio Ramos whips the free kick into the box for Vin Diesel, dangerous delivery! Headed goal for Vin Diesel from the perfect cross by Marie Curie, the keeper is beaten.

'I told you so' mode. Sergio Ramos eyeballs the Rio Malandro FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. José Mourinho pulls Sergio Ramos away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Iker Casillas stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Michael Olise comes over and hugs him without a word.

Pau Cubarsí opens up to Lee Kang-in on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Lee Kang-in whips in a cross at head height, José Mourinho anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. NOOOO it is HEARTBREAK for José Mourinho! Own goal! The cross from Lee Kang-in was harmless, HARMLESS! But José Mourinho diverts it in with a completely botched clearance. The kind of OG that BREAKS you.

Perfect back flip from Pau Cubarsí right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Eberechi Eze tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Iker Casillas has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Oh dear, Rio Malandro FC have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Iker Casillas unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Michael Olise makes a heart sign with his hands. Iker Casillas finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Michael Olise picks out William Saliba with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Eberechi Eze fires the ball over to Pau Cubarsí with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Lee Kang-in punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." You won't believe this, but Sergio Ramos has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' Pau Cubarsí spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Iker Casillas stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Eberechi Eze comes over and hugs him without a word.

Marc Cucurella boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Sergio Ramos looks up and launches a long pass towards Marc Cucurella. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Enormous leap from Marc Cucurella who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

Lee Kang-in and Marc Cucurella exchange passes on the corner, looking for the opening for a better cross. Quick exchange between Marc Cucurella and Pau Cubarsí, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Little shift from Pau Cubarsí to Vin Diesel, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Superb diagonal from the stuntman/stuntwoman to Marc Cucurella, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

The stuntman/stuntwoman plays it simple to Lee Kang-in, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Lee Kang-in sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Marie Curie. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Floated cross from Marie Curie off the right, Pau Cubarsí has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Cross from Pau Cubarsí far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

José Mourinho does not fancy the shot and goes short to Eberechi Eze, trying to disorganise the defence. Eberechi Eze curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Eberechi Eze picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off.

Decisive glance from William Saliba who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Quick exchange between William Saliba and Eberechi Eze, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Enormous press from Eberechi Eze who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Good ball from Eberechi Eze to Lee Kang-in, playing it quick between the lines.

José Mourinho slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. The referee's had enough, yellow card for José Mourinho. Non-stop backchat. The free kick from José Mourinho is played to the side for Marie Curie, intelligent stuff. Marie Curie tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

Long ball from William Saliba to José Mourinho, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. José Mourinho tries to open it up for Michael Olise but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Authoritative clearance from Marie Curie in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Eberechi Eze drops a lofted ball to Vin Diesel, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Lee Kang-in stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Iker Casillas peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Nightmare! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Cross after cross, corner after corner, the defence is creaking. Iker Casillas right in the middle of the area, waving his hand for the ball. What a HEADER from Marie Curie! The cross from Michael Olise was perfect, he plants the ball into the ground and it is in!

Lobbed cross from Lee Kang-in, it sails over the entire back four and Vin Diesel is there behind. Brilliant. Vin Diesel attempts the overhead kick on the delivery from Eberechi Eze and it goes IN! We will be watching this goal for WEEKS, that is a moment of pure GENIUS!

Lee Kang-in mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Iker Casillas raises Lee Kang-in's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Iker Casillas plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Vin Diesel rolls it to Marie Curie, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Step-overs from Marie Curie, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Clumsy challenge from Marie Curie, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Marie Curie sees yellow, charged into the opponent with excessive force. Marie Curie curls his free kick but the wall jumps and blocks it. Missed.

Marie Curie slides it to Sergio Ramos, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Looping cross from Sergio Ramos, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Vin Diesel. Danger. Cross from the stuntman/stuntwoman deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. Beautiful distribution from Iker Casillas to William Saliba, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Dominant header from William Saliba on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Marc Cucurella has covered seven kilometres already." Iker Casillas shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Marc Cucurella fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim William Saliba once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 192 and 25 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Pau Cubarsí high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Huge tackle from William Saliba! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Delicious through ball from William Saliba, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Marie Curie is there to gobble it up. Iker Casillas hurls himself at the attacker and blocks. The ball is smothered, the keeper has won the duel. Iker Casillas goes long for Michael Olise, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. With one swing of the boot, Michael Olise finds Marc Cucurella on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Iker Casillas distributes by hand to Pau Cubarsí on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Pau Cubarsí is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Iker Casillas stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Sergio Ramos launches himself on the corner from Michael Olise and powers a header but it is off target.

Quick one-two between Marie Curie and William Saliba, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Eberechi Eze feeds Sergio Ramos in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Overlap from Sergio Ramos on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Iker Casillas catapults the ball towards José Mourinho from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Brilliant switch of play from José Mourinho! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Marie Curie. Crafty ball from Marie Curie into the gap, Eberechi Eze arrives into the space and collects on the move. Brilliant cut-back from Eberechi Eze along the grass for Lee Kang-in. That is an absolute peach of a ball. That is a tackle of the highest order from Lee Kang-in. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Iker Casillas dives at the attacker's feet and gathers! One-on-one WON by the keeper! Big clearance from Marc Cucurella under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Magnificent reading of the game from Pau Cubarsí, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. The UPRIGHT denies Eberechi Eze! He drops to his knees, that was the perfect strike but the post decided otherwise. Iker Casillas takes his time and plays it short to Sergio Ramos. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

What a performance! Iker Casillas exchanges jerseys with the Istanbul Cehennem FK skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Marc Cucurella just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Pitch-length run from the stuntman/stuntwoman, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Vin Diesel storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. GOOOAL from the stuntman/stuntwoman on the penalty! In that position, converting a penalty with that composure is the mark of a LEADER.

Vin Diesel fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Sergio Ramos plays the medic running in. Iker Casillas plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Just wide from José Mourinho, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Marie Curie lays it off first time to William Saliba, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. William Saliba lights the fuse with a cutting pass for José Mourinho down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. José Mourinho picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. José Mourinho sends in a curling delivery, Sergio Ramos peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Sergio Ramos's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege!

Iker Casillas sparks the transition with a quick throw to Marie Curie, the break is lightning fast. Marie Curie plays it simple to Sergio Ramos, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Sergio Ramos shifts it to Pau Cubarsí with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Pau Cubarsí gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Pau Cubarsí bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Eberechi Eze wins the aerial battle.

Marie Curie plays the give-and-go with Pau Cubarsí, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Overlap from Marie Curie with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Ball loss from the chemist on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Perfectly executed challenge by Sergio Ramos, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Enormous clearance from Sergio Ramos inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Sergio Ramos has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Lee Kang-in is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. In a baffling move, Marie Curie adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 159, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' Vin Diesel is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Pau Cubarsí plays the simple ball to Marc Cucurella, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Marc Cucurella mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Marc Cucurella picks up a deserved yellow, the repeated fouling left the referee no choice. The wall is impenetrable! Marc Cucurella's free kick is blocked straight away. Michael Olise boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

José Mourinho does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Sharp turn from José Mourinho, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. José Mourinho has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Monster clearance from Iker Casillas, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to José Mourinho.

Michael Olise catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. Michael Olise slides the ball into space for Marc Cucurella, he is away down the middle. Tight offside call against Marc Cucurella, the assistant raises his flag. Pau Cubarsí protests furiously. Iker Casillas finds Sergio Ramos with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

William Saliba clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Iker Casillas rolls it short to José Mourinho into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. José Mourinho goes crossfield to Michael Olise, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Michael Olise keeps it short to José Mourinho, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Driven kick from Iker Casillas to Vin Diesel, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Great vision from Vin Diesel who switches to Marie Curie. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Good ball from Marie Curie to Eberechi Eze, playing it quick between the lines.

Brilliant! José Mourinho goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Iker Casillas photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. The timing is everything: José Mourinho releases the ball at the perfect moment and William Saliba explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. William Saliba winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

José Mourinho spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Pau Cubarsí gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Sevilla Olé-Olé score right on the stroke of half-time.

Brilliant tackle from William Saliba! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. William Saliba launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Iker Casillas sends an absolute rocket towards José Mourinho, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Crossfield pass from José Mourinho to Lee Kang-in, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Crunching tackle by Marc Cucurella on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Little shift from Marc Cucurella to Lee Kang-in, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

Eberechi Eze lays it off first time to Michael Olise, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Michael Olise powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Michael Olise looks up and swings in a floated cross, Marc Cucurella rises among the defenders. The cross from Marc Cucurella is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless.

Marc Cucurella stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Iker Casillas cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Unconfirmed reports suggest Pau Cubarsí received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 19-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' Back on the pitch and Lee Kang-in is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Massive punt from Iker Casillas, sends the ball sixty yards, Michael Olise is scrapping for it up top. Michael Olise changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Vin Diesel. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Lay-off from Vin Diesel to William Saliba, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Change of flanks from Marie Curie, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Sergio Ramos. Sergio Ramos spots Michael Olise peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Good run from Michael Olise who crosses to the near post for Lee Kang-in. The defender is beaten to it.

Marc Cucurella sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Sergio Ramos is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Sergio Ramos breaks through but the flag is already up. Marie Curie's ball came just too late. Iker Casillas plays it along the ground to Sergio Ramos, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Sergio Ramos shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Interception from William Saliba who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of William Saliba. William Saliba embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Michael Olise puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Lob from Michael Olise over the defensive line, the ball drops right onto Pau Cubarsí. What precision. Iker Casillas comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority. Iker Casillas opts for the short option to Michael Olise, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Iker Casillas hoofs it forward towards William Saliba, clearance mode, no time to mess about. William Saliba is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. Iker Casillas comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone. José Mourinho finds Sergio Ramos between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

A draw. Marc Cucurella claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Iker Casillas tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Marc Cucurella launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Blistering solo run from Marc Cucurella, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. GOOOOAL! Marc Cucurella places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Michael Olise, surgical finish!

The pile at the corner flag. Marc Cucurella is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Iker Casillas arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Oh that's terrible! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Iker Casillas stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Eberechi Eze follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Iker Casillas plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Marc Cucurella steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Effort from Lee Kang-in, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Oh what a mess from Michael Olise's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear! Lifesaving clearance from José Mourinho! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon.

José Mourinho slides it to Vin Diesel, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The stuntman/stuntwoman fires but a defender dives in and blocks. In that position, keep shooting, the next one will get through. Marc Cucurella puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Massive clearance from Lee Kang-in in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Eberechi Eze is livid, gesturing wildly. Marie Curie chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Sergio Ramos has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 40, the 184-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Kick-off! William Saliba wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Iker Casillas distributes short to William Saliba, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. William Saliba is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Iker Casillas comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. José Mourinho puts it right into the feet of Marc Cucurella, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. Free kick to the opponents. Marc Cucurella caught his man with a stray leg. Marc Cucurella hits the free kick and it ends up three yards over the bar. Dreadful technique.

Monster press from Marie Curie! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Marie Curie attempts the chip over the keeper but it is way too high, floats well over the crossbar. Iker Casillas plays out from the back with William Saliba, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Lee Kang-in takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Silly ball loss from Lee Kang-in, the dribble was one too many in that area. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Michael Olise drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Marc Cucurella read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. OHHHH Iker Casillas makes the right call! He comes out head-first and grabs the ball at the feet! Short distribution from Iker Casillas to Marie Curie, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Short build-up from William Saliba to Sergio Ramos, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Crossfield pass from Sergio Ramos to Marc Cucurella, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Overlap and cross from Marc Cucurella, the ball drops at the feet of William Saliba in the heart of the box.

Full time and it's level. Marie Curie stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. José Mourinho grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

Wall pass between Marie Curie and Eberechi Eze, the combination comes off a treat. BOOOOOM! Marie Curie sends a BOMB from 25 yards, the keeper just watched the ball fly past!

Marie Curie mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Marc Cucurella plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Iker Casillas applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. You can feel the tide turning, they're camped in the opposition half now. Killer ball from Vin Diesel through the gap! Pau Cubarsí bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Pau Cubarsí hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Absolutely immense from William Saliba! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. William Saliba hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. The opponent beats Lee Kang-in to the near post and wins the header. Lee Kang-in was caught on his heels. IMPECCABLE aerial command from Iker Casillas! He clears house, the ball is in his gloves. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Brilliant pass from Sergio Ramos! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Marie Curie is onto it. Offside against Marie Curie. Eberechi Eze spotted the run but the timing was just off. Beautiful distribution from Iker Casillas to Marc Cucurella, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Marc Cucurella reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

Michael Olise switches the play to Vin Diesel on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Superb tackle from the stuntman/stuntwoman, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The stuntman/stuntwoman finds José Mourinho along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Pau Cubarsí is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Sergio Ramos, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Scouts initially spotted William Saliba not on a pitch but in a Greggs queue, where the 25-year-old demonstrated elite spatial awareness and patience beyond his years. At 192, the lad dominated the sausage roll section. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' The second period begins and Pau Cubarsí launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Vin Diesel sets it for Pau Cubarsí, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Pau Cubarsí finds Marie Curie in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Burst of speed from Marie Curie, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Marie Curie holds the attacker at the waist, professional foul, ref blows.

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Crossfield pass from Lee Kang-in to Marc Cucurella, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Marc Cucurella tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

Marc Cucurella reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Marc Cucurella was quicker. Marc Cucurella pings a ridiculous diagonal to Michael Olise. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Acceleration from Michael Olise down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Michael Olise crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Instinctive clearance from Vin Diesel who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Lightning one-two between Marc Cucurella and Marie Curie, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. The ball from Marc Cucurella rips through the defensive curtain, Lee Kang-in is flying into the space like an arrow. The linesman spots Lee Kang-in offside by a hair, William Saliba's pass was magnificent though. Short distribution from Iker Casillas to José Mourinho, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. José Mourinho dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game.

It was bound to happen. London Three-Pints score and honestly, we deserved that.

Iker Casillas fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Marie Curie plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

William Saliba goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Absolute peach from William Saliba, threading it through for Marc Cucurella, the centre-halves are done for! What courage from Iker Casillas! He dives in among the studs and smothers the ball. The keeper is A WARRIOR! Iker Casillas catapults the ball towards Pau Cubarsí from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Pau Cubarsí opens up to Marie Curie on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Marie Curie drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Iker Casillas slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. London Three-Pints trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.